 Now, Anacin, the tablets thousands of physicians and dentists recommend for fast relief of pain of headache, neuritis, neuralgia, and Bicidal Mints, that quickly rid stomach of gastric distress, present Armist Brooks starring Eve Arden. It's time once again for another comedy episode of Armist Brooks transcribed, but first Here is something you should know if you ever suffer from the pain of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia It is an incredibly fast way to ease the pain It's Anacin, a way countless numbers of people have found superior Anacin acts so promptly to relieve pain. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription That is, Anacin contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in convenient tablet form Thousands of persons have been introduced to Anacin through their own physicians or dentists But today these tablets are in such widespread use that all drug counters have them and everyone can have the benefit of their Incredibly fast action So if you want to relieve the pains of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia, by all means try Anacin on this guarantee If the first few Anacin tablets do not give you all the relief you want as fast as you want it Return the unused portion and your money will be refunded. I'll spell the name for you ANACIN Easy-to-take Anacin tablets come in handy boxes of 12 and 30 and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100 Ask for Anacin at your druggists today Well various principles have various methods of running their schools Nobody is better acquainted with this fact than our Miss Brooks who teaches English at Madison High School Now you take her principle Osgood Conklin, and I wish you would Mr. Conklin has always been a great believer in meetings. These invariably occur early in the morning before first class This is to ensure that everyone will be as brisk and chipper as a damp pen wiper Our most recent meeting took place in his office last Friday morning Present were Mr. Conklin's daughter Harriet, president of the student body, Mr. Boynton and myself as faculty advisors, and Walter Denton, editor of the Madison Monitor This meeting is now called to order as in the past parliamentary procedure will prevail How extremely illiterative Parliamentary procedure will prevail If you wish to speak kindly raise your hand The chair recognizes Walter Denton. The Walter Denton says thank you chair Why did we have to get here so early couldn't we have held this meeting like The chair recognizes its lack of judgment in recognizing Walter Denton However, the reason for this meeting can be told in two words. The first one is Excessive and the second please Walter. Don't interrupt. That's right. Walter. Just listen Come on. Mr. Conklin drop the other word The other word is noise Noise excessive noise. That's why we're here because of excessive noise. This is beginning to sound like choir practice What kind of noise do you mean daddy? I mean the noises that penetrate this office while I am trying to work Well, you mean when the students are changing classes. Yeah, and they make sounds like shuffle shuffle shuffle Hey Charlie want to play hairball after school? Fred old lady Nelson might keep me in I'll be able to tell you during lunch period. Okay, Charlie. See in the cafeteria I bring my lunch. I can't eat that slop in the cafeteria I mean the chair sees no cause for such graphic description Nor is this specifically the excessive noise to which we have reference. Well, then what is it, sir? Is it the street noises that penetrate your office while you're trying to work the street noises like Hong Kong be beep Get that heap out of my way buster I call this meeting to secure some constructive suggestions not to start a little theater movement Now stop acting and listen During school hours. This institution is a veritable bedlam You will now submit whatever ideas you may have toward mitigating this unhappy Circumstance. Well speaking for the sounds that emanate from the biology laboratory, mr. Conklin Perhaps the flames of the Bunsen burners are hissing too loud. I Could turn those down a bit Then too I could cut down on the tinkle of the test tubes Then too You could put socks on the mice in the treadmill As far as the corridors go daddy You could ask all the students to whisper while they're changing rooms and if they fail to comply You might station monitors at strategic points to see that they did yeah or better yet Just string a banner across the hall right outside your office. What would the banner say walter? It would just say No noise at all It is quite apparent to me that now as in the past any feasible plan for combating a given crisis Must stem from one source and one source alone. Well, that's nice of you to say so mr. Conklin I refer to myself However before I disclose the cure I will make known the nature of the ailment There are only two human sources of irritation to me within the confines of this institution They are a the student body and be the faculty What is it we do that bothers you daddy you talk During classes after classes during lunch period after lunch period But mr. Conklin and you on the faculty are equally guilty guilty It isn't the volume of jabber that's so nerve-wracking to me But the fact that all these conversations are directed to but one target. What target is that mr. Conklin each other I tried talking to a board eraser one morning, but everybody looked at me funny If we didn't talk to each other we'd be talking to ourselves and what kind of a looking school would be then Even you Denton should be able to comprehend the fact that when I say each other I mean the male and female members of the student body and faculty You know my anti-fratalization law from now on there will be teeth in it Oh, you will board and you will From now until further notice I hereby decree that all members of the opposite sex shall refrain from any conversation not Absolutely essential to school business boys and girls will sit on separate sides of the classroom and during lunch period Male and female teachers as well as students will occupy two different sections of the cafeteria Positively medieval it's worse than that. It's medieval tyranny if I may borrow an expression from the undergraduate body Denton turn blue I Just a minute, mr. Conklin may I say something to you first? I'd like to say something to you I wish you wouldn't I don't look good in blue That is speaking for the faculty sir I'm afraid this edict of yours will be met with considerable resentment the temper of the faculty doesn't concern me in slightest Miss Brooks needless to say stringent punitive measures will be taken if anyone violates my order But sir, perhaps such stern measures won't be necessary if you'll permit me to address the school assembly I think I could get your point across by relating a humorous anecdote pertinent to the subject a Humorous anecdote, mr. Boydton. Yes, sir I told his story at a recent biology club meeting and it was received with considerable enthusiasm by my fellow Biologists, but they laughed so hard they dropped their frogs Anyway this story involves some extremely humorous characters their names are Timothy Sweeney Patrick Clancy and Seamus O'Hoolahan You see it's about three Irish fellas Bank teller in Dutch Guiana Please miss Brooks let mr. Boydton finish to be perfectly candid when I discovered this anecdote in an old anthology of humor It was couched in rather antiquated terms. However by rephrasing it. I've brought it up to the minute. So without further ado here goes One day Sweeney Clancy and O'Hoolahan were about to take a written examination Preparatory to entering the police force Now see here begara O'Hoolahan exclaimed with a merry twinkle in his Irish eye I'm going to get the highest mark of anyone in the room Now what do you think of that? I don't know what do you think of it? I'm not finished miss Brooks When Sweeney heard that he looked at O'Hoolahan and with a merry twinkle in his Irish eyes declared fiddle-de-dee. Oh that's Sweeney Then Clancy with a merry twinkle in his Irish eyes a bird Faith, and you'll get the lowest mark be javers Well, sir, they had no sooner begun taking the test when low and behold a mounted policemen's horse wandered in with a merry twinkle in his Irish tail Please be quiet, miss Brooks. Oh, let her talk I didn't mean to interrupt Thank you After O'Hoolahan turned in his test paper Clancy and Sweeney accosted him somewhat chagrined Oh Hoolahan you cheated cried Sweeney brandishing his chalely a quaint cudgel indigenous to those lovable folks of the old sod Then he said We saw you pakin at the answers in the back of the book Well, O'Hoolahan retorted somewhat testily I vowed I was going to get the highest mark of anyone in the room Now I knew that fair and square I could get a higher mark than you Sweeney and a higher mark than you too, Clancy By the same honest means But when that horse came in to take the test, I thought I'd better cheat Don't you get it I Don't particularly wonder Now what has that anecdote got to do with the current situation? Well, it's about cheating Mr. Conklin someone violates your ban against conversation between the sexes That's a form of cheating a form of cheating one of the dollar forms. I'd say Well, we've wasted enough time since there seems to be some doubt as to the efficacy of my plan I shall put it to the acid test. What do you mean daddy in accordance with my democratic principles? I shall put it to a vote at this meeting all opposed to my plan will signify by saying no All in favor say aye The eyes have it motion What about our nose keep it out of my business Friends if you suffer from acid indigestion, I hope you didn't miss reading this wonderful news a headline that says New mints medically proven quickly rid stomach of gastric distress That headline is talking about new bisodol mints Doctors recommend bisodol mints because the bisodol medication acts at once to make painful acid harmless and give you fast five-way relief One speeds relief from gas to sweetens your breath Three gives complete longer lasting relief and baking soda for relief stomach upset from too much eating drinking smoking Five let's you sleep when acid indigestion strikes at night So don't suffer acid indigestion heartburn or gastric distress from excess acidity Remember new mints medically proven quickly rid stomach of gastric distress and remember the name bisodol mints bi so do well get bisodol mints for fast relief Well at lunchtime one half of the school cafeteria was roped off for males And the other half for females But despite this barrier Walter Denton managed to slither past my table and surreptitiously slipped me a cryptic note the note directed me to report to an abandoned stock room in the basement and It also contained the secret password by which I could gain admittance I was loath to take part in such sneaky maneuvers So I didn't report to the appointed room until three minutes later What's the secret password mr. Conklin is a schnook Correct and her friend. Well, what do you think of this old abandoned stock room miss Brooks? I think we ought to abandon it Pretty stuffy Walter. Well, you should have seen it before I cleaned it up This room is my answer to mr. Conklin's ban against conversation between the sexes It's a secret meeting place in which a few choice male and female teachers and students it may Conversationally rendezvous during lunch period. Well, what do you know a talk Lager? These are rather cramped quarters Walter, but I must admit it's a good idea. Thanks And now about the rates. I charged 10 cents for the first five minutes What and five cents for each additional three minutes those are about the same rates you pay for a phone call Yes, but the phone company provides a bigger booth I'm sorry, Walter, but I'm not shelling out 10 cents just for some conversation I also told mr. Boynton about it. He'll be here any minute. Well, nevertheless, I don't intend here's my dime Where do I sit? You just park any place you like I'll get it What's the password mr. Conklin is a schnook and her friend I Cleaned her from top to bottom mr. Boynton. How does she look mr. Brooks always looks neat to me Give me 10 cents and she's yours for five minutes What I do with mr. Brooks for five minutes Let's pay an extra half dollar and figure something out I Think that ten cent fee is just for the use of the room mr. Boynton just for the room Ten cents. Well, that's exorbitant water. It's outrageous. It's unreasonable. It's try be jabers Jabers it's too much Those are my rates. It's only fair. I get something for my labors mr. Boynton this morning This was just a musty old room loaded with dust cobwebs Gophers they've left they didn't like the rates either This is no time to economize mr. Boynton Don't you think it's worth ten cents to be able to sit around and chat with members of the opposite? You should excuse the expression sex. I Suppose you're right mr. Brooks. Do you have two nickels for a dime? Yes, I have well give them to Walter I don't happen to have a dime on me I Was the quickest way I was ever beaten out of a dime Walter do you have ten pennies for two nickels? Yes, I have well keep them. I don't have two nickels I'll put you on the cuff for today mr. Boynton I'll go. What's the password? Mr. Conklin is a snook, but he really isn't miss Brooks. Come in Harriet. Oh Oh, hello Harriet. Hello, mr. Boynton. Hi, Walter Harriet my beloved All this gloomy mourn I have prayed for this magic laden moment when you would come to me on the wings of love That'll be ten cents, please That's a nickel a wing That's the price we must pay for your father's folly Harriet Oh, please don't be too harsh on poor daddy The reason he's become so antagonistic toward fraternizing is because of mother Your mother. Yes, miss Brooks mother isn't due back home until this afternoon for the past week She's been visiting grandma and Montrose and daddy's mr. Dreadfully. What's become an obsession Wherever he looks he sees boys and girls together him and Mamie, oh Rourke They're conversing and having fun makes him all the more lonely It's gotten so bad that he's going to stay after school and write an editorial for the Madison monitor Announcing his long-range anti-fraternization plans. Maybe we can nip that in the bud Harriet mr. Boynton, Walter While he's writing those editorials. I think we ought to drop over and see mrs. Compton She's always been very fair-minded about these things and I believe I have a rather brilliant idea Excuse me What's the password I am a schnook Curiosity prompted me to read this unsigned neatly typed note that I found in the cafeteria now then will you open the door miss Brooks or do your rules black ball schnooks over 40 Sir come right in Mr. Conklin yipe So we have the start of a nice little cell haven't we You don't understand mr. Conklin. We know nothing about any notes. You may have found We came here merely to do some spring cleaning spring cleaning. Yes, sir We decided that this room must be cleaned out immediately when we discovered that its inhabitants were behaving in a shocking manner and Inflagrant violation of your anti-fraternizing rule just what do you mean by that miss Brooks the boy gopher's were holding hands with the girl gopher's I Bs radio has an important suggestion for you a suggestion that more Americans take a personal part in the international struggle for peace and freedom Perhaps you have never looked at service with the ground observers is quite that but that's exactly what it adds up to Today throughout the world There's a struggle for the minds of great masses of human beings both sides have attempted to convince people everywhere To choose between two opposing ways of life Since the end of World War two America has helped great and small nations regain their stability and live in freedom at the same time Using every means at its command another major power has attempted to spread its influence Now at this moment in history when we have every reason to believe the free world is winning the Cold War We must be more vigilant than ever We must keep our powder dry our eyes open to tempt a would-be aggressor by apparent weakness would be potentially Disastrous so let's all make home defense our business drop in at your local civilian defense office and volunteer your two hours a week With your local ground observer core with mr. Conklin's rigid anti fraternization rule Madison High seemed like an occupied country under the heel of a conqueror's boot Rather than the charming pleasant little prison. It had always been It was obvious something drastic would have to be done about the rule and that night with mrs. Conklin's assistance. We set out to see if we could abolish it I'll go lend a hand to mrs. Conklin and Harriet in the kitchen mr. Brooks. All right, walter And need any help setting the table mr. Boyman? I'm afraid I do I'm not much good at this sort of thing. Would you give me a hand? Both I mean you're doing fine. I think but you ought to set those shakers at the far end of the table. Oh, yes Uh, uh, excuse me mr. Brooks, but you're standing in the way unless you move. I'll have to squeeze past you I know get going Won't be such a tight squeeze mr. Boyman just try it for size Okay, I'll just you I'll never get through that way Now maybe if I slant my shoulders I can Oh, mr. Brooks. I'm stuck. So I was wrong. Kiss me There you go joshie again I've got to admit it mr. Brooks, you're as full of fun as patty's pig And I miss irish as a barrel of monkeys Well dinner's almost ready mr. Brooks any sign of us good not yet mrs. Conklin apparently he's still working on those editorials at school Oh such nonsense Well, those ridiculous Anti-fratonizing rules of his will be a thing of the past if your scheme works mr. Brooks And I'll do everything I can to see that it does we certainly appreciate your cooperation I'd better move those casserole dishes to the other side of mr. Boyman I'm busy mixing the salad mr. Brooks. You'll have to walk around me Sounds like a fascinating trip Mother daddy's car just pulled into the driveway and he's got a big bouquet of roses. Oh dear ours. Good. He has missed me hasn't he Goodness, I I mustn't get sentimental if your schemes to work miss Brooks. We'll see how he likes a taste of his own medicine Mother You room are good. Oh mother come into my arms. Please no fraternization. Oh, what? Miss Brooks point and dentin. Hi mr. Conklin. Long time no see b. J. Burrs What is the unholy three doing here? Well, we had no place to go so mrs. Conklin invited us to dinner You see sir, mr. Boynton's apartment's being painted today. It shows my house mine too Isn't that a coincidence? We made a deal with the same paint company. They only paint one day a week on friday That's why they're called the friday paint company I see marty if you'll step into the den with me where we can be alone. Ah Sorry os good. No fraternizing darling. What are you saying? I'm your husband That's no excuse take off your hat os good dinner's ready. But love the girl I've missed you terribly. Look. Look. I've brought you flowers dump them in the salad though I mean get a vase walter Now let's have dinner before it gets cold. Shall we dinner? Yeah You sit down here, Martha. The seating arrangements are not up to you os good Since miss brooks has helped me to prepare this meal. I've asked her to take charge of serving it She says she's learned some wonderful methods at madison. Take over miss brooks. Thank you You are to be seated at the head of the table mrs. Conklin. Harriet you'll sit to her right and I'll sit to her left Mr. Conklin, yes, you're to have dinner in the kitchen In the kitchen with mr. Boynton and walter dentin in this way the males are separated from the females Oh, but this is absurd. I haven't seen my wife in a week This is the way you run things at school os good and you've got to practice what you preach Now into the kitchen with walter and mr. Boynton, but sweetie pie Come on dad. We'll have a ball Now tonight mr. Conklin, how did you enjoy it in the garden? Frankly, I found it rather unromantic sitting on the hammock between boynton and dentin Well, miss brooks and Harriet and I are having loads of fun playing bridge os good. Oh bridge you need a fork Sorry, no fraternization If you'll escort walter and mr. Boynton to the den sir. I've laid out a set of tiddly winks for you Tiddly winks at my aid some tiddlies are older than others Martha I haven't been alone with you for one minute during this entire evening. It's almost midnight Well, so it is os good and it's time. We turned in high time. Let us retire to our bedroom. Martha. Good night, miss brooks Mr. Boynton, you know their homes are being painted os good. I've asked them to stay over with us What uh, what are the sleeping arrangements to be miss brooks? Well, there's only one feasible scheme You'll sleep with harriet and me in your bedroom, mr. Conklin And you miss conklin will sleep in harriet's bedroom with mr. Boynton and walter Oh, I will Be rude os good. It's an emergency You mean I actually have to spend the night with mr. Boynton and dentin not the night os good the entire weekend The entire what end? Week sir the way you're beginning to feel about your plan at school Oh miss brooks, you're right. Not only am I outnumbered. I've been outmaneuvered However, if I agree to cancel my ban on coeducational conversation at madison Do you suppose you and your cohorts could find someplace to village yourselves? I'm sure we could mr. Conklin. We could all go home home But what about the painters? Oh, haven't you heard the friday paint company went on strike this afternoon on strike Yes, it seems they want longer brushes and a shorter day Honest brooks, garrie, yvard, and transcrout is produced and directed by larry berns written by joe Killam and al lewis with the music of wilber hatch. Mr. Conklin was played by gale gordon Others in tonight's cast were dick crunna, bob rockwell, gloria mcmillan and paula winslow Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of our miss brooks