 J-E-L-L-O! The Jello Program, coming to you from Hollywood, California, starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with silver threads among the brass section. Welcome a spring as colorful as an April rainbow. That's Jello, one of the gayest, curious desserts you ever laid eyes on. Jello's glowing colors offer a rich invitation you simply can't resist. And when you taste its intriguing flavor, you're tasting a flavor that's beyond compare when it comes to downright goodness. The cost Jello's grand flavor is just as delightful and refreshing as the juicy ripe fruit itself. Jello is one of the easiest desserts to prepare, too. It dissolves instantly in lukewarm water, sets as quick as a wink. So ask your grocer for several packages of Jello, choosing any or all of Jello's six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, or lime. By the way, next time you try a strawberry, raspberry, or cherry, Jello, just notice how much better they are than they've ever been before. Each has a new improved flavor obtained by using a natural flavor base artificially enhanced. And the result is something truly distinctive, really swell. Try a rich shimmering mold of Jello tomorrow, mixed and played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you our master of ceremonies who has just returned from a quick trip to Chicago, Jack Benny. Well, again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, quick trip is right. I was in Chicago back before I knew it, 3,600 miles. Oh, that's really traveling. Did you fly, Jack, or did you go by train? I took the train, Don, and you know, that's the first time I've ever been on the streamliner. You talk about modern design, I never saw anything like it. Take the engine was streamlined, the coaches were streamlined, and the compartments were so compact and narrow. Well, you see, Jack, that's to cut down wind resistance. Everything has to be streamlined. I know, Don, and I'm in favor of it. But when the conductor asked me to tape back my ears, I thought that was going too far. After all, how much can they slow the train down? But at that, you do save a lot of time. Oh, there's no question about it. In fact, the next time I go east, I think I'll take the streamliner myself. With your hips? That would spoil the whole effect. After all, Jack, I could do the same as you did and tape my hips back. You could, eh? Well, Don, let me know when you're going to use that much adhesive tape. I want to buy some Johnson and Johnson stock. That'll really start a boom. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Good to see you. We kind of missed you around here all week. Well, thanks, kid. I bet it was pretty chilly in Chicago, huh? Well, it was for me, Mary. I'm used to this warm California climate and that cold air sort of got me. My teeth were chattering all the time. Why didn't you put them in your pocket? Well, there's our little Mary right on schedule. I go all the way to Chicago to appear at a benefit and you can't even ask me, did they like me? How did I go over? Was I a big hit? I'll ask you, Jack. Were you a big hit? Don, they adored me. There were 6,000 people in that civic opera house and when I made my entrance, you'd think that, oh, let's forget it. Nobody but a conceited ham could describe that ovation. Now, really, the minute I walked on that stage, the audience screamed. Well, how often do they see a guy with his ears taped back? That wasn't the only reason. I've always been a big hit in Chicago. Hiya, Jackson. You back in town? Yep. Well, I was hoping you wouldn't make it. You know, I was going to do a lot of those snappy gags tonight. Oh, you were? Yeah, I had a swell monotone already. That's monologue. Monotone. I wish you wouldn't correct me all the time, Jackson. It makes people think I don't know big words. Well, you don't. You've been going to night school for six months now when you're going to learn something. Don't worry, I'll get there. Romeo wasn't built in that day. Oh, fine. Romeo, yeah. Say, Phil, why don't you ask Jack if he was a big hit in Chicago? Don and I got a face full of it already. Well, I was a hit. What do you want me to do, lie about it? Oh, yeah, you played that big benefit for the Greek war relief, didn't you? Yes, and it was a swell affair, too. Did you get paid for it? No. No, it was a benefit, Mary. Naturally, I didn't get any money. Did you know that ahead of time? Well, certainly. Certainly I did, of course. Well, didn't you even sell magazines on the train? Oh, right. And that reminds me, Mary, I want you to stop kidding me about being cheap. Thanks to you, I had the most embarrassing thing happen at the station in Chicago. What was it, Jack? Well, Mary keeps saying I'm cheap so much, people get to believe it. Here's what happened, Don. I got off the train in Chicago carrying four heavy grips, and all the red caps just stood there looking at me. You mean they didn't offer to take your baggage? No, they just stood there. So I said, well, how about it? Well, what do you fellows help me or not? Finally, one little red cap came over and said, I'll take your grips, Mr. Benny. Uh-huh. So I said, are you sure you want to? He said, yes, if you can do a benefit, I can. So you see, Mary, you're to blame for the whole thing. All right, why don't you buy a second hand gun, one bullet, and shoot me? That's exactly the kind of remark I'm referring to. Hello, Mr. Benny. Did you have a good time in Chicago? Hmm, you're a little late tonight, aren't you, young man? Yeah. I'm sorry, Dennis, but I'll have to fine you $10. Well, the benefit's over. Mary, that's an old established rule on this program. The last one in gets it. I'm sorry, Dennis. Well, it's not my fault, Mr. Benny. I was stuck in a phone booth for 10 minutes. Stuck in a phone booth? What do you mean? Well, I was talking to my girl over the phone. Uh-huh. And when I kissed her goodbye, my lips got caught in the mouthpiece. My goodness, Dennis, as long as your girl wasn't right there, you didn't have to kiss her with so much feeling. Well, she says I'm better over the phone than in person. Well, she ought to know what a kid. Say, Jackson, that reminds me, did you call up that number I gave you in Chicago? What number? You know the one I gave you before you left, Mamie Peterson. Oh, yeah. Well, that was a smart crick you pulled on me, Phil. I called her up, and her husband answered the phone. That was Mamie. She talks like a man. What? You ought to hear her sing a sleep in the deep. I can imagine. Well, I'm not going to discuss it now, Phil, as we have a long show. Dennis, are you ready for your song? How can I sing with this mouthpiece on? You'll sing. You'll sing. Go ahead. This is some program. Dennis is wearing a mouthpiece. You got tape on your ears, and my slip is showing. Well, pull it out. Sing, Dennis. It's in the night, in the magical light of the moon, knowing how soon night is gone, and discover romances are made only to fade with the dark. Hearts that pass in the night sung by Dennis Day through a mouthpiece which belongs to the Southern California telephone company. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as we announced last week for our feature attraction this evening and our cultural contribution of the season, we have with us tonight four youngsters from one of radio's most popular programs, which comes to you every Wednesday night from Chicago, The Quiz Kids. These children are here tonight to match wits with Mary Livingston, Don Wilson, Dennis Day, and Phil Harris. And I will be the quiz master. That is, I will ask the questions. You're picking out a pretty safe job, ain't you, Jackson? No, no, that's not it. That's not it at all. Of course not. I can understand Jack's side of it. He's had much more experience in The Quiz Kids. And naturally, he doesn't want to take advantage of them. Certainly. And besides, he's as yellow as a banana. Oh, I'm yellow, eh? Well, for your information, Mary, a week from Wednesday, a week from next Wednesday, I am going to be quizzed on The Quiz Kids program. Well, you won't need that tape. They'll pin your ears back. Oh, quiet. Now, let's see. Where did I put that list of baffling questions? Oh, Mr. Benny. Yes? Do I have to answer some of the questions, too? Yes, Dennis. And I'm depending on you to pull the Jell-O team through to ultimate victory. Do you think you can do it? Yes, sir. Good. And now, folks. Ultimate? What does that mean? Oh, fine. That's a nice start we're getting, eh? Don't worry, Jackson. Ask me the tough ones. I'll pull us through to ultimate. That's ultimate victory. Ultimate is an adjective. Why not? Well, I'd call this off right now, but The Quiz Kids came all the way from Chicago. Don, I hope you won't let us down. I'll do my best, Jack. Of course, it's only fair to tell you that in school, I flunked in everything but cookie. I, uh... I, uh, I see. Hmm. What's going to happen to us? It shouldn't happen to Einstein. You've, uh, you've got something there, Mary. Oh, well, we'll do the best we can. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this battle of wits will go on immediately after a short number by Phil Harris. And then we will... Hold it a minute. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. Rochester, I'm very busy right now. You'll have to call me later. But this is important, boys. Call Michael just came out of hibernation. Hi, Michael. Well, that's impossible. That polar bear was supposed to sleep in the basement for two more weeks. How did he happen to wake up? Well, the gas man went down. The gas man went downstairs to read the meter, and all of a sudden it sounded like feeding time at the zoo. Oh, my goodness. Well, what happened to the gas man? I don't know, but I doubt if we get a bill this month. Now, that's just silly. Rochester, Carmichael wouldn't hurt a fly. He was just playing, that's all. Yeah, but where's the man? Stop being so pessimistic. Now, Carmichael's pretty hungry after sleeping all winter, so the first thing you have to do is give him a big dinner. Well, we got an ice box and some roast beef. All right, put that on a plate and give it to him. Uh-huh. But don't let him eat too fast. This is his first meal. Second meal? Where's the man? Forget about the gas man. He must have run away. Now, there's nothing to be afraid of, Rochester. After you feed Carmichael, take him in the bathroom and give him a nice warm bath. Uh-huh. Scrub him good, comb his hair, and brush his teeth. Uh-huh. And then, after you've done that... After I've done what? After you brush his teeth. I forgot to tell you while I was combing his hair, I fainted. What? Through some brandy on me. Now, cut that out. And if you're such a baby, I'll take care of the whole thing when I get home. Now, goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? Are you really going to have the quiz kids on your program tonight? Yes, I am. They're supposed to be pretty smart, ain't they? They're brilliant. They know everything. Well, ask them what happened to the gas man. Carmichael got up so early this year. He must have had coffee before going to bed. Play, Phil. I'm sure the gas man got away all by himself. That was a very short number played by Phil Harrison as orchestra, and quite enough, believe me. Oh, Gerard, uh... Gerard, are all you children here? Yes, we are, Mr. Benny. Good, good. Well, here we go, folks. The quiz kids versus the jello kids. And may the best team win. Oh, yes. They're better. That's right. Just a little... I mispronounced the word there. All right. I will now call the roll. First, the quiz kids. Richard. I am Richard Williams. I'm 11 years old, and I'm in the sixth grade at Harrison School, East Chicago, Indiana. Thank you. You know, folks, that Richard's a whiz at mathematics. Claude. I am Claude Brenna. I'm 12 years old, and I'm a sophomore at San High School. Well, I was a sophomore once. Yes, sir, I was sharp as a tack. Now you can sit on one and not even feel it. Quiet. Joan? I'm Joan Bishop. I'm 14 years old, and I go to the Chicago School for adults. Well, she's sweet. You see, Joan knows everything about music. She does, huh? Yes. Fortissimo, kid. Top that. Keep out of this, Phil. You don't even know what fortissimo means. Oh, stop, will you? Fortissimo means when you're playing a violin. And you're pluck on the strings. That's a cadenza. Isn't it, Joan? No, Mr. Benny. When you pluck the strings, the musical term is pizzicato. Oh, oh, yes, yes, of course. I was thinking of raviola. That's, uh, that's it, Joan. Oh, brother. I'll be all right, Joan. Don't worry. Now who's next? Oh, yes, Gerard. I'm Gerard Gerard. I'm eight years old, and I go to the Bradwell School. Eight years old, yeah. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Jell-O kids. Philip. I'm Philip Harris, and I attend the Hollywood Recreation Bowling Alley. Isn't he adorable? What do you specialize in, Philip? Funny monotones. We know. And now, Mary. Mary? I am Mary Livingston. I am six years old, and I graduated from the May Company. Oh, that's a lovely school. Uh, what did you learn there, Mary? If you won the stockings, madam, you cannot exchange them. Very good. Isn't she bright? Now, Donald. I am Don Wilson. I'm seven years old, and I have eight chins. Isn't he a doll? Sit down, Donald, but easy. Now, Dennis. I am Dennis, uh, Dennis? Day, Dennis Day. Fine chance we've got. How old are you, Dennis? I'll be one in December. You'll be one? Yes, my mother's raffling me off. Don't blame her. And now, folks, we will proceed with the battle of wits. And I would like to announce that I am personally awarding a prize of $10 to the winning team. That's fair enough. You'll find out. Mary. Now, our first question this evening comes from Miss Edna West of Evanston, Illinois. Listen carefully, Gerard. A colioptera, a muscadomestika, and a lepidoptera were having a bit of a tater-tate on a screen door. Now, if you suddenly appeared with a fly swatter, one of the party would leave quite hastily. Who would it be? The colioptera, the muscadomestika, or the lepidoptera? Wipe your chin. Quiet. Now, Gerard, have you, have you the answer? Yes, sir. The muscadomestika had a reason to leave in a hurry because it was the common housefly. The colioptera and the lepidoptera shouldn't leave in a hurry because the colioptera is the beetle. The lepidoptera is the mall. Very good, Gerard. That's one point for the quiz kids. Now, Dennis, in order to be absolutely fair, I'm going to ask you a question along the same line. Now, listen carefully. What fly would you associate with butter? That's a little tough, so I'll put it this way. Butter is associated with what fly? The butterfly, of course. Gerard, I didn't ask you. This question is for the jello kids. Dennis, do you know the answer? No, sir. Mary Livingston. Mary Livingston. The butterfly. Correct. And there's a point for the jello team. Both sides are even. Now, let's see. Or is it a bumblebee? The question is over. Now, here's a problem in mathematics sent in by Miss Catherine Johnston of Los Angeles. I think this is in your department, Richard. I'm ready, Mr. Benny. Now, listen carefully. Two men who earn $450 and $150 a month, respectively, decide to build a house and divide the cost in proportion to their income. Each of these two men has three sons who help with the work, but they cannot work full-time. Listen carefully. One works every day. The second every other day. The third every 30 and so on. Are you following, Richard? Yes, are you? Don't worry about me, Bob. Now, they all work the first day. Get this carefully. They all work the first day and finish the house the second day that they all work together. Each guy has three kids, huh? They'll go away, will you? Now, Richard, one joint owner, I mean one joint owner, had to pay $1,500 more than the other. How much did the house cost and how long did it take to build it? Well, Richard, have you figured out the answer yet? Yes, sir. The house cost $3,000 and it would be 60 days before the house was finished. Excellent. $3,000 and 60 days is correct. How do you know? I trust Richard. Now, Dicky Boy, will you please, Richard, will you please tell us how you arrived at the 60 days? Well, you find the prime factors in each number and multiply them the most times they appear in any one group of numbers. So that would be multiplying 1 by 2 by 2 by 3 by 5. Oh, yeah. If you don't get that prime factor, you're a dead pigeon. Oh, really? Oh, you must prime it up, you know. If I was Richard, I'd kick you right in the shin. Quiet. Continue, Richard. By multiplying these prime factors together, you get the product of 60, which is the least common multiple of these numbers. Obviously. Very good, Richard. I was afraid you'd miss on that least common multiply. Or multiple. And there's another point for the quiz kids making the score 2 to 1. Now, Mary, here's your question. The answer is 15. Wait till I ask you. Now, Mary, concentrate. If you had 20 apples and your mother took away 5, how many would you have? I give up. You know it's 15. The score is now 2 for the quiz kids and 2 for the jello kids. That was a tough one, Mary, but you came through. There's something funny going on around. Gerard, if you don't think that's fair, I'll ask one of the jello team another question. Donald Wilson. Yes, sir? Now listen carefully. If you were on your way to your neighborhood grocer, and his store was 2 miles from your house, and you could make it in 17 minutes by rowing a boat across a river, have you got it so far? How wide is the river? 350 feet. I see. However, on this particular day, there is a strong current carrying you downstream at the rate of 3.6 miles per hour. So it takes you an extra 23 minutes to reach the grocery store. Now here's the question. What did you buy when you got them? Jello. Absolutely correct. Now, Don, what flavors of jello would you purchase? Strawberry, raspberry, cherry. Yes, yes, go on. You say there was a strong current downstream? Yes. Orange lemon and lime. Very good. Very good. Don, you're a big fat genius. The score is 2 to 2, and both teams are even. Wait a minute. I demand the recount. Dennis, you're on our side. Oh. Remember that. Now, Claude. Yes, sir? Here's a problem in the field of ick theology. Ick theology? What's that? How do I know? Now, Claude, name the five subclasses of fish in order of their development and give examples of each. Go ahead, Claude. Authorities differ, but I prefer this setup. I do. I do too. First come the cyclistamata, which are the lampreels and hagfishes. Next, we find the elasmobranchei, which are the sharks and rays. After that, we come upon the gainoidii, which are the armbitfishes, an example of which is the sturgeon. Oh, the sturgeon. Yes, I have. Quite often, the sturgeon. I get a little indies a lot, very often. Then come the teleostomai, the tulip. Oh, the tele, yeah, the teleostomai. Of which 90% of the fish world are composed. I see. And last, but not least, come the dipnoi, which are the lungfishes, of which there are only five species living in the world today. Only five. I thought there were six. Wasn't that funny? Very good. Now, Phil Harris, I'm not playing any favorite, so I'm going to ask you a question on the same subject. Are you ready? Yeah. How do you spell fish? Go ahead, fish. F-I-F-C-H. That's right, Joe Fish. I know him well. That's three points for each side. Both teams are even. Isn't it wonderful how we're running neck and neck? I'm sorry, I know you. Quiet. And now for the final question, and this is the toughest one of all. Joan Bishop. Yes, Mr. Benny? I understand you're an authority in the field of music. That is, you can identify any number played, whether classical or popular. Is that correct? Well, I think I can. You can. That's your specialty. Now, Mr. Harris in his orchestra will play a few bars of a musical selection. Now, Joan, I won't tell you whether it's classical or popular, but see if you can identify this melody. The kid ain't got a chance. We shall see. Go ahead, Phil. Now, boys, all right. All right, Joan, what's the title of that number? Well, I'm sure I don't know. Hmm. Well, is it popular or classical? I haven't the slightest idea. Oh, you haven't. Well, Joan, would you like to hear that melody again? I'm afraid that won't help. Aha, we stumped one of the quiz kids. Here's your chance, Yellow Kid. Phil Harris, what was the name of it? I don't know. Hey, Eddie, what was the name of that song? I don't know. Congratulations. Tough luck, quiz kid, but you lost fair and square. Play, Phil. The prominent citizen arrived in town today to be with us for the Easter holidays. He's Mr. Easter Rabbit himself. In interviewing him for this program, we asked Mr. Rabbit, what's the good word? And he replied, the good word by friends is jello. Confidentially, you might tell your listeners that a swell dessert for Easter would be a creamy jello parfait. A swell dessert, ladies and gentlemen, and I might add an easy one to make, too. Simply prepare one package each of strawberry jello and jello's grand vanilla pudding is directed in the boxes. While the jello is chilling, turn the pudding into parfait glasses, filling them about two-thirds full and then chill. When the jello is slightly thickened, pour it over the pudding and chill until both are firm. The result will be a gloriously creamy, delightfully refreshing dessert. Add strawberry jello tomorrow and blend it with a package of jello vanilla pudding for the best Easter dessert you ever tasted. Creamy jello parfait. We're a little late, so good night, folks. Special broadcast in cover.