 Publishers Foward and Preface of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners. Bunyan Bunyan was born at Elstow near Bedford, England, sometime in the fall of 1628, the first of three children born to Thomas and Margaret Bunyan. The Paris Register indicates that he was baptized on November 30, 1628. In Grace Abounding Bunyan describes his dissent as, of a low and inconsiderable generation. He had particular disdain for his father's house, to him it was, of a rank that is meanest and most despised of all the families in the land. Sir Walter Scott thought John Bunyan was of gypsy dissent, because his father was a traveling tinker, a mender of pots and pans. But historians view the occupation as somewhat like that of village blacksmith. The Bunyans were not homeless, they were landowners, but of peasant stock. Bunyan's schooling was of brief duration, and it wasn't long before he was assisting his father in learning the trade himself. On his sixteenth birthday Bunyan joined Cromwell's new model army, introducing him to the Puritan movement. After this military stint he settled down as a tinker, brazier, and married at the age of twenty. In 1653 Bunyan joined the Puritan Free Church in Bedford, and in 1657 he took on his first assignment as a field preacher. At this time there were scores of men, most with little education, who were preaching to nonconformist audiences throughout England. With the restoration of Charles II to the throne, these preachers were suspect and subject to arrest. Refusing to refrain from preaching, Bunyan was arrested in 1660 and imprisoned for more than eleven years. Grace abounding to the chief of centers, written during this imprisonment, is the spiritual autobiography of Bunyan, the traveling tinker who became the eminent preacher and author. It is in the genre of Augustine's Confessions and Thomas A. Kempis's Inventation of Christ. It is not a detailed account of Bunyan's early life, for it tells us very little of his youth, education, military experiences, and marriages. Written in 1666, Grace abounding Cromwell's Bunyan's spiritual journey from a profane life filled with cursing, blasphemy, and Sabbath desecration to a new creation in Christ Jesus. Some commentators on Bunyan's life and work are of the opinion that Bunyan wrote too disparagingly of his early life. George Offer, editor of a three-volume compilation of Bunyan's works, observes, A great difference of opinion has been expressed by learned men as to whether Bunyan's account of himself is to be understood literally as it respects his bad conduct before his conversion, or whether he views himself through a glass by which his evil habits are magnified. No one can doubt his perfect honesty. He plainly narrates his bad as well as his redeeming qualities, nor does his narrative appear to be exaggerated. Grace abounding is an autobiography that begins with guilt and despair, and ends with a heart full of comfort, a thankful heart for Grace Abounding. Those who have read both Grace Abounding and the Pilgrim's Progress will realize that the Pilgrim's Progress in substantial measure is the same life as that described in Grace Abounding, but in allegory rather than straightforward narrative. George Offer makes this point when he quotes a Dr. Chiefer. As you read the Grace Abounding, you are ready to say at every step, here is the future author of the Pilgrim's Progress. It is as if you stood beside some great sculpture and watched every movement of the chisel, having seen his design, so that at every blow some new trait of beauty in the future comes clearly into view. Ernest W. Bacon in a recent biography based on the latest historical research makes the same point. The experiences he records in Grace Abounding are seen in the characters of the Pilgrim's Progress, and there is little doubt that he could not have written the great allegory had he not experienced God's saving mercy recounted in the autobiography. It has an undying vitality and perpetual youth about it, is a record of Puritan experience unsurpassed, and a spiritual stimulus of great value. The importance of Grace Abounding is summed up by Hugh Martin. Grace Abounding is among the greatest stories of God's dealings with the human soul and to be put on the shelf beside such treasures as Augustine's Confessions, Law's Serious Call, Baxter's Autobiography, and Wesley's Account of his own Spiritual Traveille, a preface, or brief account of the publishing of this work, written by the author thereof and dedicated to those whom God hath counted him worthy to beget to faith by his ministry in the Word. Children, Grace be with you. Amen. I, being taken from you in presence, and so tied up, that I cannot perform that duty that from God doth lie upon me to youward, for your further edifying and building up in faith and holiness, etc. Yet that you may see my soul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare. I now once again, as before, from the top of Chanaire and Hermon, so now from the lion's dens, from the mountains of the Leopards, song of Solomon 4.8. You look yet after you all, greatly longing to see your safe arrival into the desired haven. I thank God upon every remembrance of you, and rejoice even while I stick between the teeth of the lions and the wilderness, at the grace and mercy and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God hath bestowed upon you with abundance of faith and love. Your hungrings and thirstings also after further acquaintance with the Father and His Son, your tenderness of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also, before both God and men, is great refreshment to me. For ye are my glory and joy, 1 Thessalonians 2.20. I have since you here enclosed a drop of that honey that I have taken out of the carcass of a lion, Judges 14.5-9. I have eaten thereof myself also, and am much refreshed thereby. Temptations, when we meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson, but if we overcome them, the next time we see them we shall find a nest of honey within them. The Philistines understand me not. It is something of a relation of the work of God upon my own soul, even from the very first till now, wherein you may perceive my castings down and raisings up, for he woundedth and his hands make whole. It is written in the Scripture, Isaiah 38-19, The Father to the children shall make known the truth of God. Ye it was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai, Deuteronomy 4, 10, and 11, to see the fire and the cloud and the darkness that I might fear the Lord all the days of my life upon earth, and tell of his wondrous works to my children, Psalm 78-3-5. Moses, Numbers 33-1-2, writ of the journeyings of the children of Israel, from Egypt to the land of Canaan, and commanded also that they did remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness. Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldst keep his commandments or know, Deuteronomy 8, 10. Wherefore this I have endeavored to do, and not only so, but to publish it also, that if God will others may be put in remembrance of what he hath done for their souls by reading his work upon me. It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very beginnings of grace with their souls. It is a night to be much observed unto the Lord for bringing them out from the land of Egypt. This is that night of the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in their generations, Exodus 12, 42. O my God, saith David, Psalm 42-6, my soul is cast down within me. Therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan and of the Hermonites from the hill Mazar. He remembered also the lion and the bearer when he went to fight with the giant of Gath, 1 Samuel 17, 36, and 37. It was Paul's accustomed manner, Acts 22, and that when tried for his life, Acts 24, ever to open before his judges the manner of his conversion, he would think of that day and that hour in the which he first did meet with grace, for he found it support unto him. When God had brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea, far into the wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again to remember the drowning of their enemies there, Numbers 14, 25. For though they sang his praise before, yet they soon forgot his works, Psalm 106, 11-13. In this discourse of mine you may see much. Much, I say, of the grace of God towards me. I thank God I can count it much, for it was above my sins and Satan's temptations, too. I can remember my fears and doubts and sad months with comfort. They are as the head of Goliath in my hand. There was nothing to David like Goliath's sword. Even that sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels, for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach forth God's deliverance to him. Oh, the remembrance of my great sins, of my great temptations, of my great fears of perishing for ever. They bring afresh into my mind the remembrance of my great help, my great support from heaven, and the great grace that God extended to such a wretch as I. My dear children, call to mind the former days and the years of ancient times. Remember also your songs in the night and commune with your own heart, Psalm 77, 5-12. Yea, look diligently, and leave no corner therein unsearched, for there is treasure hid, even the treasure of your first and second experience of the grace of God towards you. Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you. Remember your terrors of conscience and fear of death and hell. Remember also your tears and prayers to God. Yea, how you sighed under every hedge for mercy. Have you never a hill-mizarred to remember? Have you forgot the close, the milk-house, the stable, the barn, and the like where God did visit your soul? Remember also the word, the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath caused you to hope. If you have sinned against light, if you are tempted to blaspheme, if you are down in despair, if you think God fights against you, or if heaven is hid from your eyes, remember it was thus with your Father, but out of them all the Lord delivered me. I could have enlarged much in this my discourse of my temptations and troubles for sin, as also of the merciful kindness and working of God with my soul. I could also have stepped into a style much higher than this in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all things more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not. God did not play in convincing of me. The devil did not play in tempting of me. Neither did I play when I sunk as into a bottomless pit, when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me. Wherefore I may not play in my relating of them, but be plain and simple and lay down the thing as it was. He that liketh it, let him receive it. And he that does not, let him produce a better. Farewell. My dear children, the milk and honey is beyond this wilderness. God be merciful to you, and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess the land. End of Publishers Forward and Preface. Part 1 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners by John Bunyan. Part 1. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners or a brief relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to his poor servant John Bunyan. In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul it will not be amiss if, in the first place, I do, in a few words, give you a hint of my pedigree and manner of upbringing, that thereby the goodness and bounty of God towards me may be the more advanced and magnified before the sons of men. For my descent then it was, as is well known by many, of a low and inconsiderable generation, my father's house being of that rank that is meanest and most despised of all the families in the land, wherefore I have not here as others to boast of noble blood or of a high-born state according to the flesh, though all things considered I magnify the heavenly majesty, for that by this door he brought me into this world to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel. But yet notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my parents it pleased God to put it into their hearts to put me to school, to learn both to read and write, the which I also attained according to the rate of other poor men's children, though to my shame I confess I did soon lose that little I learned, and that even almost utterly, and that long before the Lord did work his gracious work of conversion upon my soul. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in the world it was indeed according to the course of this world, and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience, Ephesians 2, 2, and 3. It was my delight to be taken captive by the devil at his will, 2 Timothy 2, 26. Being filled with all unrighteousness, the which did also so strongly work and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child, that I had but few equals, especially considering my years, which were tender, being few both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God. Yea, so settled, and rooted was I in these things that they became as a second nature to me. The which, as I also have with soberness considered sense, did so offend the Lord that even in my childhood he did scare and affright me with fearful dreams, and did terrify me with dreadful visions. For often, after I had spent this and the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted while asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, labored to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with the thoughts of the day of judgment, and that both night and day, and should tremble at the thoughts of the fearful torments of hellfire, still fearing that it would be my lot to be found at last amongst those devils and hellish fiends who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of eternal darkness unto the judgment of the great day. These things, I say, when I was but a child but nine or ten years old, did so distress my soul, that when in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my sins? Yea, I was also then so overcome with despair of life and heaven, that I should often wish, either that there had been no hell, or that I had been a devil, supposing they were only tormentors, that if it must needs be that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor than be tormented myself. A while after, these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon forgot, for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them as if they had never been. Wherefore, with more greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins to my lust, and delighted in all transgression against the law of God. So that, until I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth that kept me company, into all manner of vice and ungodliness. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid myself open even to the stroke of those laws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the world. In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me. I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should. So that, when I have seen some read in those books that concern Christian piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. Then I said unto God, Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge of thy ways, Job 2114. I was now void of all good consideration. Heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind, and as for saving and damning they were leased in my thoughts. O Lord, thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid from thee. Yet this I will remember, that though I could myself sin with the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions, yet even then, if I have at any time seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. As once above all the rest, when I was in my height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit that it made my heart to ache. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now with convictions, but judgments, yet such as were mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford River, but mercy yet preserved me alive. Besides another time, being in the field with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway, so I, having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back, and, having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plugged her sting out with my fingers, by which act had not God been merciful, I might, by my desperateness, have brought myself to my end. This also have I taken notice of with thanksgiving, when I was a soldier, I, with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege it. But when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in my room, to which, when I had consented, he took my place, and coming to the siege as he stood sentinel, he was shot into the head with a musket bullet, and died. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did awaken my soul to righteousness. Wherefore I sinned still, and grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own salvation. Presently after this I changed my condition into a married state, and my mercy was to light upon a wife whose father was counted godly. This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might be, not having so much household stuff as a dish or spoon betwixt us both, yet this she had for her part, the plain man's pathway to heaven, and the practice of piety, which her father had left her when he died. In these two books I should sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me, but all this while I met with no conviction. She also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house and amongst his neighbors, what a strict and holy life he lived in his day, both in word and deed. Wherefore these books with this relation, though they did not reach my heart to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget within me some desires to religion, so that, because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times, to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost, and there should very devoutly both say and sing as others did, yet retaining my wicked life. But with all I was so overrun with the spirit of superstition that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all things, both the high place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else belonging to the church. Counting all things holy that were therein contained, and especially the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God and were principal in the holy temple, to do his work therein. This conceit grew so strong, and little time upon my spirit, that had I but seen a priest, though never so sordid and debauched in his life, I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit unto him. Yea, I thought for the love I did bear unto them, supposing they were the ministers of God I could have lain down at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them. Their name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me. After I had been thus for some considerable time another thought came into my mind, and that was, whether we were of the Israelites, or no. For finding in the scriptures that they were once the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs be happy. Now again I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this question, but could not tell how I should. At last I asked my father of it, who told me, no, we were not. Before then I fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that, and so remained. But all this while I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin. I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ. Nay, I never thought of him, nor whether there was one, or no. Thus man, while blind, doth wander, but wearyeth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way to the city of God. Ecclesiastes 10.15. But one day, amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject was to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breaking that, either with labor, sports, or otherwise. Now I was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith, wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose, to show me my evil doing. And at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before that I can remember. But then I was, for the present greatly loading therewith, and so went home when the sermon was ended with a great burden upon my spirit. This for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights, and did embitter my former pleasures to me. But behold, it lasted not. For before I had well dined the trouble began to go off my mind, and my heart returned to his old course. But oh, how glad was I that this trouble was gone for me, and that the fire was put out, that I might sin again without control. Wherefore when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind into my old custom of sports and gaming I returned with great delight. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game at Kat, and having struck it one blow from the whole, just as I was about to strike at the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to an exceeding maze. Wherefore leaving my Kat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for those and other my ungodly practices. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this conclusion was fastened upon my spirit, for the former hint that set my sins again before my face, that I had been a great and grievous sinner, and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven. For Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell to musing upon this also, and while I was thinking on it, and fearing lest it should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late. And therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin, for thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable, miserable if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them. I can, but be damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins as to be damned for few. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were present, but yet I told them nothing. But I say, I having made this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again, and I well remembered that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I should get in sin. For heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not think. Wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was set to be committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it, and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire. For that I feared greatly. In these things I protest before God, I lie not, neither do I feign this sort of speech. These were really, strongly, and with all my heart, my desires. The good Lord, whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions. And I am very confident that this temptation of the devil is more than usual amongst poor creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun their spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of conscience, which frame he stillly and slyly supplyeth with such despair, that though not much guilt attendeth the soul, yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hope for them, for they have loved sins, therefore after them they will go. Jeremiah 2 25 and 18 verse 12. Now therefore I went on in sin, with great greediness of mind, still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it as I would. This did continue with me about a month or more. But one day, as I was standing at a neighbor's shop window, and there, cursing and swearing and playing the madman, after my wanted manner, there sat within the woman of the house, and heard me, who though she was a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me, and told me further, that I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing that ever she heard in all her life, and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the youth in a whole town, if they came but in my company. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame, and that too, as I thought, before the God of Heaven. Wherefore, while I stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished, with all my heart, that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn to speak without this wicked way of swearing, for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation, for I thought it could never be. But how it came to pass, I know not, I did from this time forward so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it, and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath before and another behind, to make my words have authority, now I could, without it, speak better, and with more pleasantness than ever I could before. All this, while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and plays. But quickly after this I fell in company with one poor man that made profession of religion, who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion. Wherefore, falling into some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical part thereof, for, as for palsy-pistles and scriptures of that nature, I could not away with them, being as yet but ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation, both in my words and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven, which commandments I also did strive to keep, and as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort. Right now and then should break one, and so afflict my conscience. But then I should repent, and say I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and there get help again, for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in England. Thus I continued about a year, all which time our neighbors did take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and manners. It was indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope, and truly, as I have well seen since, had I then died my state had been most fearful. Well this, I say, continued about a twelve month or more. But I say my neighbors were amazed at this my great conversion, from prodigious profaneness to something like a moral life, and truly so they well might, for this my conversion was as great as for Tom of Bedlam to become a sober man. Now therefore they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face and behind my back. Now I was, as they said, become godly. Now I was become a right honest man. But oh, when I understood that these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me mighty well. For though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet I loved to be talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my godliness, and I did all I did either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by man. And thus I continued for about a twelve month or more. Now you must know that before this I had taken much delight in ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it, yet my mind hankered, wherefore I should go to the steeple-house and look on it, though I durst not ring. But I thought this did not become religion, neither, yet I forced myself and would look on still. But quickly after I began to think, how if one of the bells should fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam that lay over thwart the steeple from side to side, thinking there I might stand sure. But then I should think again. Should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then rebounded upon me, might kill me for all this beam. This made me stand in the steeple-door, and now thought I am safe enough. For if a bell should then fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be preserved, notwithstanding. So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go farther than the steeple-door. But then it came into my head, how if the steeple itself should fall? And this thought, it may fall for odd I know, when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple-door any longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head. Another thing was my dancing. I was a full year before I could quite leave that. But all this while, when I thought I kept this or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me. Yea, to relate it in my own way, I thought no man in England could please God better than I. But poor wretched I was, I was all this, while ignorant of Jesus Christ, and going about to establish my own righteousness, and had perished therein, had not God and mercy showed me more of my state of nature. But upon a day the good providence of God did cast me to Bedford, to work on my calling, and in one of the streets of that town I came where there were three or four poor women, sitting at a door in the sun, and talking about the things of God, and being now willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk talker also myself in the matters of religion, but now I may say I heard, but I understood not, for they were far above, out of my reach, for their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature. They talked how God had visited their souls with his love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported against the temptations of the devil. Moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular, and told to each other, by which they had been afflicted in how they were born up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own richness of heart, of their unbelief, and did condemn, slight and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy and insufficient to do them any good. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak. They spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such appearance of grace, and all they said, that they were to me as if they had found a new world, as if they were people that dwelt alone, and were not to be reckoned among their neighbors. Numbers 23.9. At this I felt my own heart begin to shake, as mistrusting my condition to be not, for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation the new birth did never enter into my mind. Neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts I took no notice of them, neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood and resisted, etc. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I left them, and went about my employment again. But their talk and discourse went with me. Also my heart would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one. End of PART 1 Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and again into the company of these poor people, for I could not stay away. And the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition, and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel, especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch, but just before I was. The one was a great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other was a great bending in my mind to a continual meditating on it, and all other good things which at any time I heard or read of. By these things my mind was now so turned that it lay like a horse-leach at the vein, still crying out, Give, give! Proverbs 30-15 Yea, it was so fixed on eternity and on the things about the kingdom of heaven, that is, so far as I knew, though as yet God knows I knew but little, that neither pleasures, nor prophets, nor persuasions, nor threats could loosen it, or make it let go his hold. And though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I often found it often since to get it again from earth to heaven. One thing I may not admit. There was a young man in our town, to whom my heart was knit more than to any other, but he, being a most wicked creature for cursing and swearing and whoring, I now shook him off and forsook his company. But about a quarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane and asked him how he did. He, after his old swearing and madway, answered he was well. But Harry, said I, why do you swear and curse thus? What will become of you if you die in this condition? He answered me in a great chaff. What would the devil do for company if it were not for such as I am? About this time I met with some rancher's books that were put forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by several old professors. Some of these I read, but was not able to make a judgment about them. Wherefore, as I read in them and sought upon them, feeling myself unable to judge, I should be take myself to hearty prayer in this manner. O Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know the truth from error. Lord, lead me not to my own blindness, either to approve of or condemn this doctrine. If it be of God, let me not despise it. If it be of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul in this matter, only at thy foot. Let me not be deceived, I humbly beseech thee. I had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was the poor man that I spoke of before. But about this time he also turned a most devilish rancher, and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness. He would also deny that there was a God, Angel, or Spirit, who would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety. When I labored to rebuke his wickedness, he would laugh the more and pretend that he had gone through all religions and could never light on the right till now. He told me also that in a little time we should see all professors turn to the ways of the ranchers. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger as I had been before a familiar. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling, lying in the country, I happened to lighten into several people's company, who, though strict in religion formally, yet were also swept away by these ranchers. These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark, pretending that they had only attained to perfection that could do what they would and not sin. Oh, these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man, and my nature in its prime. But God, who had, I hope, designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of his name, and did not suffer me to accept of such principles. And blessed be God, who put it into my heart to cry to him to be kept and directed, still distrusting my own wisdom, for I have since seen even the effect of that prayer in his preserving me not only from ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since. The Bible was precious to me in those days. And now, me thought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles of the Apostle Paul were sweet and pleasant to me. And indeed I was then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation, still crying out to God that I might know the truth and way to heaven and glory. And as I went on and read, I lighted on that passage, to one is given by the Spirit the Word of Wisdom, to another the Word of Knowledge by the same Spirit, and to another faith, etc. And though as I have since seen that by this scripture the Holy Ghost intends in special things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten with conviction that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On this Word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this Word faith put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question whether I had any faith or no. For I feared that it shut me out of all the blessings that other good people had given them of God, but I was loathed to conclude I had no faith in my soul, for if I do so thought I, then I shall count myself a very cast away indeed. No, said I within myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant sought, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other good people have, yet at a venture I will conclude I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is. For it was showed me, and that too, as I have since seen by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state had neither rest nor quiet in their souls, and I was loathed to fall quite into despair. Wherefore by the suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid to see my want of faith. But God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my soul, but did continually against this my blind and sad conclusion create still within me such suppositions, and so much that I might in this deceive myself, that I could not rest content until I did now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no, this always running in my mind, but how if you want faith indeed? But how can you tell if you have faith? And besides, I saw for certain if I had not, I was to perish forever. So that though I endeavored at the first to look over the business of faith, yet in a little time I better considering the matter was willing to put myself upon the trial, whether I had faith or no. But alas, poor wretch so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew to this day no more how to do it than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art which I never yet saw nor considered. Wherefore, while I was thus considering and being put to my plunge about it, for you must know that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider the tempter came in with his delusion, that there was no way for me to know I had faith, but by trying to work some miracle, urging those scriptures that seemed to look that way for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation. Nay one day as I was betwixt Elstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me to try if I had faith by doing of some miracle, which miracle at that time was this. I must say to the puddles that were in the horse-pads, be dry, and to the dry places, be you the puddles. One truly one time I was a going to say so indeed, but just as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind. But go under yonder hedge and pray first, that God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me, that if I prayed and came again and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then be sure I had no faith, but was a cast away and lost. Nay thought I, if it be so, I will never try yet, but will stay a little longer. So I continued at a great loss, for I thought if they only had faith which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded that for the present I neither had it, nor yet for time to come were ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed between the devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some times that I could not tell what to do. About this time the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus in a dream or vision represented to me. I saw, as if they were set on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds. Me thought also betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about this mountain. Now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass, concluding that if I could, I would go even into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun. About this wall I thought myself to go again and again, still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage by which I might enter therein, but none could I find for some time. At the last I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the wall, through which I attempted to pass, but the passage being very straight and narrow, I made many efforts to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in. At last, with great striving, me thought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by sidling, striving, my shoulders and my whole body, then I was exceeding glad, and went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun. Now this mountain and wall, etc., was thus made out to me. The mountain signified the church of the living God, the sun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining of his merciful face on them that were therein. The wall, I thought, was the word, that did make separation between the Christians and the world, and the gap which was in this wall I thought was Jesus Christ, who was the way to God the Father. John 14.6. Matthew 7.14. But for as much as the passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in there at, it showed me that none could enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest, and unless they left this wicked world behind them, for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days, all which time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine. Now also I should pray wherever I was, whether at home or abroad, in house or field, and should also often with lifting up of heart sing that of the fifty-first psalm, O Lord consider my distress, for as yet I knew not where I was. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I had faith in Christ, but instead of having satisfaction, here I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness, especially with such as these, whether I was elected, but how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted, sometimes by one and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so offend and discourage me that I was, especially at sometimes, as if the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all my desires. It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy. Romans 9.16 With this scripture I could not tell what to do, for I evidently saw that unless the great God of his infinite grace and bounty had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire and long and labor until my heart did break, no good could come of it. For this would still stick with me. How can you tell that you are elected? And what if you should not? How then? O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may be you are not, said the tempter. It may be so indeed, thought I. Why, then, said Satan, you had as good leave off and strive no further. For if indeed you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your being saved. For it is neither of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy. By these things I was driven to my wits end, not knowing what to say or how to answer these temptations. Indeed I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence, thus to start the question. For that the elect only attained eternal life, that I without scruple did heartily close with all, but that myself was one of them, there lay all the question. Thus therefore for several days I was greatly assaulted and perplexed, and was often when I had been walking ready to sink where I went, with faintness in my mind. But one day, after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith, as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit. Look at the generations of old and see. Did ever any trust in the Lord and was confounded? By which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul. For thus at that very instant it was expounded to me. Begin at the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the revelations, and see if you can find that there was ever any that trusted in the Lord and was confounded. So coming home I presently went to my Bible to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently, for it was so fresh and with such strength and comfort on my spirit, that I was as if it talked with me. Well I looked, but I found it not. Only it abode upon me. Then I did ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was, but they knew no such place. At this I wondered that such a sentence should so suddenly and with such comfort and strength seize and abide upon my heart, and yet that none could find it, for I doubted not, but it was in holy scripture. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place. But at last, casting my eye into the Apocrypha books, I found it in Ecclesiasticus 2.10. This at the first did somewhat daunt me, but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical, yet for as much as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it, and I blessed God for that word, for it was of God to me, that word doth still at times shine before my face. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me. But how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day, as I was walking into the country, I was much in the thoughts of this. But how if the day of grace be past? And to aggravate my trouble, the tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came. Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so. Wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition, feeling myself far worse than in a thousand fools, for standing off thus long and spending so many years in sin as I had done. Still crying out, oh that I had turned sooner, oh that I had turned seven years ago. It made me also angry with myself to think that I should have no more wit but to trifle away my time till my soul and heaven were lost. But when I had been long vexed with this fear and was scarce able to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, compel them to come in, that my house may be filled, and yet there is room. Luke 14, 22, and 23. These words, but especially them, and yet there is room, were sweet words to me. For truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me, and moreover that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, he then did think of me, and that he, knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in his bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation. This I then verily believed. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while, and the comfort was the more when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that he should speak these words on purpose for my sake. For I did then think verily that he did on purpose speak them, to encourage me with all. But I was not without my temptations to go back again. Temptations I say, both from Satan, my own heart, and carnal acquaintance, but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the day of judgment which abode as it were continually in my view. I should often also think on Nebuchadnezzar, of whom it is said, he had given him all the kingdoms of the earth. Yet, I thought, if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell fire would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to me? I was almost made about this time to see something concerning the beast that Moses counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts were types of men, the clean, types of them that were the people of God. But the unclean types of such as were the children of the wicked one. Now I read that the clean beast chewed the cud, that is, thought I, they showed us we must feed upon the word of God. They also parted the hoof. I thought that signified we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And also in further reading about them I found that though we did chew the cud as the hare, yet if we walked with claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like the swine, yet if we did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean. For I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin, and that the swine was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so devout. Deuteronomy 14. After this I found, by reading the word, that those that must be glorified with Christ and another world must be called by him here, called to the partaking of a share in his word and righteousness, and to the comforts and firstfruits of his spirit, and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed forfeit the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above. Here again I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not called, for thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh, how I now love those words that spake of a Christian's calling, as when the Lord said to one, follow me, and to another, come after me, and oh, thought I that he would say so to me too, how gladly would I run after him. I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ, and did also see at that day such glory in a converted state that I could not be contented without a share therein. Gold! Could it have been gotten for gold, what could I have given for it? Had I a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state. How lovely now was everyone in my eyes that I thought to be converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh, I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage, Psalm 166. But that which made me sick was that of Christ in Mark. He went up into a mountain and called to him whom he would, and they came unto him, Mark 3, 13. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to me, for he called whom he would. But oh, the glory that I saw in that condition did still so engage my heart that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished. Would I had been in their clothes? Would I had been born Peter? Would I had been born John? Or would I had been by, and heard him when he called them? How would I have cried? Oh, Lord, call me also! But oh, I feared he would not call me. And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together, and showed me nothing, either that I was already or should be called hereafter. But at last, after much time spent and many groanings to God, that I might be partaker of the holy and heavenly calling, that word came in upon me. I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion, Joel 321. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God, and signified unto me that if I were not already, yet time might come I might be in truth converted to Christ. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Bedford, and to tell them my condition which, when they heard, they told Mr. Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think but from little grounds. But he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others about the dealings of God with the soul, from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart. For as yet I knew no great matter therein. But now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate for wickedness as it never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and corruptions would strongly put forth themselves within me in wicked thoughts and desires which I did not regard before. My desires for heaven and life began to fail. I found also that whereas my soul was full of longing after God, now my heart began to hanker after every foolish vanity. Yea, my heart would not be moved to mine that that was good. It began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven. It would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty, and was as a clog on the leg of a bird to hinder her from flying. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse, now on my father from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart as laid me low as hell. If now I should have burned at a stake I could not believe that Christ had love for me. Alas, I could neither hear him, nor see him, nor feel him, nor savor any of his things. I was driven as with a tempest. My heart would be unclean, the Canaanites would dwell in the land. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises. But they had as good of told me that I must reach the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promise. And as soon as I should have done it, all my sense and feeling was against me, and I saw I had a heart that would sin and that lay under a law that would condemn. These things have often made me think of that child which the father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet a coming to him, was thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him that he lay and wallowed foaming. Chapter 9, 42 Mark 9, 20 Further in these days I should find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord and against his holy word. I have found my unbelief to set, as it were the shoulder to the door to keep him out, and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open! Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron asunder. Psalm 107, 16 Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause. I girded thee, though thou hast not known me, Isaiah 455. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I never was more tender than now. I durst not take a pen or a stick, though but so big as a straw, for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch. I could not now tell how to speak my words, for I fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gentrally did I then go in all I did or said! I found myself as on a mirey bog that shook if I did but stir, and was there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things. But, I observe, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me, only he showed me I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner. I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was nowhere to be found but in the person of Jesus Christ. But my original and inner pollution, that, that was my plague in my affliction, that I say at a dreadful rate always putting forth itself within me, that I had the guilt of, to amazement. By reason of that I was more loathsome in my own eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was so in God's eyes too. Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart as water would bubble out of a fountain. I thought now that everyone had a better heart than I had. I could have changed heart with anybody. I thought none but the devil himself could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell, therefore, at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair, for I concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with a state of grace. Sure thought I. I am forsaken of God. Sure I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind, and thus I continued a long while, even for some years together. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things would make me wonder. The one was when I saw old people hunting after the things of this life as if they should live here always. The other was when I found professors much distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses as of husband, wife, child, etc. Lord thought I, what ado is here about such little things as these? What seeking after carnal things by some, and what grief and others for the loss of them? If they so much labor after and spend so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for? My soul is dying. My soul is damning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, oh how rich I should esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water? I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burdens. A wounded spirit, who can bear? And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind. For I found that, unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ, a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mine than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off, and if it was going off without it, for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away. Then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment for sin and hellfire upon my spirits, and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart but the right way, but by the blood of Christ, and by the application of thy mercy through him to my soul. For that scripture lay much upon me, without shedding of blood is no remission. Hebrews 9.22 And that which made me the more afraid of this was, because I had seen some who, though when they were under wounds of conscience, then they would cry and pray, but they, seeking rather present ease from their trouble than parting for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt. So they got it out of their mind, and therefore, having it got off the wrong way, it was not sanctified under them, but they grew harder and blinder and more wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more that it might not be so with me. And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I was a reprobate. I counted man as unconverted, the most doful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men, unblessed. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of heart as to thank God that he had made me a man. Man, indeed, is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world, but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, etc., I blessed their condition for they had not a sinful nature. They were not obnoxious in the sight of God. They were not to go to hell fire after death. I could therefore have rejoiced had my condition been as any of theirs. In this condition I went a great while. But when comforting time was come I heard one preach a sermon upon those words in the song, For One. Behold, thou art fair, my love. Behold, thou art fair. But at that time he made these two words, my love, his chief and subject matter, from which, after he had a little open the text, he observed these several conclusions. One, that the church, and so every saved soul, is Christ's love when loveless. Two, Christ's love without a cause. Three, Christ's love when hated of the world. Four, Christ's love when under temptation and under desertion. Five, Christ's love from first to last. But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came to the application of the fourth particular. This was the word he said, If it be so that the saved soul is Christ's love when under temptation and desertion, then poor tempted soul when thou art assaulted and afflicted with temptation and the hideings of God's face, yet think on these two words, my love, still. So as I was a going home these words came again into my thoughts, and I well remember as I came in I said thus in my heart. What shall I get by thinking on these two words? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but the words began thus to kindle in my spirit. Thou art my love. Thou art my love. Twenty times together, and still as they ran thus in my mind they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up. But being as yet between hope and fear I still replied in my heart, But is it true? But is it true? At which that sentence fell in upon me. He whist not that it was true which was done by the angel. Acts 12.9. Then I began to give place to the word, which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul. Thou art my love. Thou art my love. And nothing shall separate thee from my love. And with that Romans 8.39 came into my mind. Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me. Yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home. I thought I could have spoken of his love and of his mercy to me, even to the very crows that sat upon the plowed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me. Wherefore I set in my soul with much gladness. Well, I would, I had a pen and ink here. I would write this down before I go any farther, for surely I will not forget this forty years' hints. But alas, within less than forty days I began to question all again, which made me begin to question all still. Yet still at times I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and savor of it. Now about a week or fortnight after this I was much followed by this scripture. Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you. Luke 22.31. And sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it were called so strongly after me, that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me called to me, being at a great distance me thought he called so loud. It came as I have thought since to have stirred me up to prayer and to watchfulness. It came to acquaint me that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it not. Also as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud was the last time that it sounded in my near, but me thinks I hear it still with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in my nears. I thought verily as I had told you that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me, and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud meant me. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound, which, as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming. Only it would make me muse and wonder in my mind to think what should be the reason that this scripture, and that at this rate so often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in my nears. But as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein. For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before. It came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another. First all my comfort was taken from me. Then darkness seized upon me, after which whole floods of blasphemies both against God, Christ, and the scriptures were poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God, and of his only beloved son, as whether there were, in truth, a God, or Christ, or no, and whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word of God. The tempter would also much assault me with this. How can you tell but that the Turks had as good scriptures to prove their Muhammad the Savior as we have to prove our Jesus is? And could I think that so many ten thousands and so many countries and kingdoms should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven? If there were indeed a heaven in that we only who live in a corner of the earth should alone be blessed therewith. Everyone doth think his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors and Pagans. And how, if all our faith in Christ and scriptures should be, but I think so too. Sometimes I have endeavored to argue against these suggestions and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them. But alas, I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguing as these would return again upon me. Though we made so great a matter of Paul and of his words, yet how could I tell but that in very deed he, being a subtle and cunning man, might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions, and also take both that pains and travail to undo and destroy his fellows? These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not nor dare not utter, neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure upon my spirit and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me, and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else, and also concluded that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up unto them, to be carried away with them as with a mighty whirlwind. Only by the distaste they gave unto my spirit I felt there was something in me that refused to embrace them. But this consideration I then only had when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle, otherwise the noise and strength and force of these temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were bury all such thoughts or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation I should often find my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ his Son and of the scriptures. Now I thought surely I am possessed of the devil. But other times again I thought I should be bereft of my wits, for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord with others, if I have but heard him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against him, so that whether I did think that God was, or again did think there were no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me. These things did sink me into very deep despair. For I concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare myself in the case of such a child, whom some gypsy half by force took up under her apron, and as caring from friend and country, kicked sometimes I did, and also screamed and cried. But yet I was as bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him, and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his. 1 Samuel 1614. In these days when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had committed that. Now no sin would serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no. And in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening, and to that end also I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward into some muck hill hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking. Now I blessed the condition of the dog, and toad, and counted the estate of everything that God had made far better than this dreadful state of mind, and such as my companions was. Yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of dog or horse, for I knew they had no soul to perish under the everlasting weights of hell for sin as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it, yet that which added to my sorrow was that I could not find that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions. The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked. Isaiah 57, 20, 21. And now my heart was at times exceeding hard. If I would have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one. No, nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected to think that this should be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin, and others again could rejoice and bless God for Christ, and others again could quietly talk of and with gladness remember the word of God, while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me. I thought my condition was alone. I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of, these things I could not. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend upon none of the ordinances of God but with sore and great affliction. Yea, then was I most distressed with blasphemies. If I have been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold me as captives there. If I had been reading, then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read. Sometimes again my mind would be so strangely snatched away and possessed with other things that I had neither known nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time. Sometimes I have thought I should see the devil. Nay thought I have felt him, behind me, pull my clothes. He would be also continually at me in the time of prayer to have done. Break off! Make haste! You have prayed enough, and stay no longer. Still drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these, that I must pray to him, or for him. I have thought sometimes of that fall-down, or if thou wilt fall down and worship me, Matthew 4 or 9. Also when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty, I have labored to compose my mind and fix it upon God, then with great force hath the tempter labored to distract me and confound me, and to turn away my mind by presenting to my heart and fancy the form of a bush, a bull, or bessem, or the like, as if I should pray to those. To these he would also at some times especially so hold my mind that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else, but to these, or such as they. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of his gospel. But, oh, how would my heart at such times put forth itself with inexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word I should cry with pangs after God that he would be merciful unto me, but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these. I should think that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the Holy Angels, this poor simple wretch doth hanker after me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy, but to bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor fool, how art thou deceived? It is not for such as thee to have favor with the highest. Then hath the tempter come upon me also with such discouragements as these. You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you. This frame shall not last always. Many have been as hot as you for a spirit, but I have quenched their zeal. And with this such and such who were falling off would be set before my eyes. Then I should be afraid that I should do so, too. But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind. Well I will watch, and take what heed I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you. I will cool you insensibly by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep. I will ply it close, but I will have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, yet if I can pull you from this fire, I shall have you cold before long. End of Part 3. Part 4 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners. These things brought me into great straits, for as I at present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit. For time would make me forget all, and where even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of my mind and thought. But I thank Christ Jesus. These things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it, like her who met with the adulterer. In which days, that was a good word to me after I had suffered these things a while. I am persuaded that neither height nor depth nor life, etc., shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. Romans 8.38. And now I hoped long life should not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though there were then all questioned by me, that in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was something to me, and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that chapter. That though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, my Father, thou art the guide of my youth, and should return unto him. I had also once a sweet glance from that in 2 Corinthians 521. For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin, that we might be made the righteousness of God in him. I remember also that one day, as I was sitting in a neighbor's house, and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies, and as I was saying in my mind, what ground have I to think that I, who have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? That word came suddenly upon me. What shall we then say to these things, if God be for us, who can be against us? Romans 8.31. That also was in help unto me, because I live, ye shall live also, John 14, 19. But these were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present, only they lasted not, but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me to heaven again. Acts 10, 16. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto me, and indeed did quite not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things, was laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof, for the temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again as other Christians were. I remember that one day, as I was traveling into the country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering of the enmity that was in me to God, that Scripture came in my mind, he hath made peace through the blood of his cross. Colossians 1.20. By which I was made to see, both again, and again, and again, that day that God and my soul were friends by this blood. Yea, I saw that the justice of God and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other through this blood. This was a good day to me, I hope I shall not forget it. At another time as I sat by the fire in my house, and musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me. As much then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself, likewise, took part of the same, that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver them who, through fear of death, were all their lifetimes subject to bondage. Hebrews 2.14 and 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sat, not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace. At this time also I sat under the ministry of holy Mr. Gifford, whose doctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability. This man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those faults and unsound rests, that, by nature, we are prone to take and make to our souls. He pressed us up to take special heed that we took not up any truth upon trust, as from this, or that, or any other man, but to cry mightily to God that he would convince us of the reality thereof, and set us down therein by his own spirit in the holy word. For, said he, if you do otherwise when temptations come, if strongly you, not having received them with evidence from heaven, will find you want that help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had. This was as seasonable to my soul as the former and latter reign in their season, for I had found, and that, by sad experience, the truth of these his words. For I had felt what no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord, but by the Holy Ghost. Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God that, in nothing that pertain to God's glory and my own eternal happiness, he would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven. For now I saw clearly there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notions of flesh and blood and the revelations of God in heaven. Also a great difference between that faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and of that which comes by a man's being born thereto of God, Matthew 16, 15 through 17, and First John 5.1. But oh, now how was my soul led from truth to truth by God, even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God to his ascension and second coming from heaven to judge the world? Truly I then found upon this account the great God was very good unto me, for to my remembrance there was not anything that I then cried unto God to make known and reveal unto me, but he was pleased to do it for me. I mean not one part of the Gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it. Me thought I saw with great evidence, from the relation of the Four Evangelists, the wonderful work of God in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from his conception and birth even to his second coming to judgment. Me thought I was as if I had seen him born, as if I had seen him grow up, as if I had seen him walk through this world, from the cradle to his cross. To which also when he came I saw how gently he gave himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this, his progress, that dropped on my spirit, he was ordained for the slaughter. When I have considered also the truth of his resurrection, and have remembered that word, touch me not, Mary, etc., I have seen as if he leaped at the grave's mouth for joy that he was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes, John 2017. I have also in the spirit seen him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me, and have seen the manner of his coming from heaven to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by the Scriptures following Acts 1, 9, and 10, Acts 7, 56, Acts 10, 42, Hebrews 7, 24, Hebrews 8, 3, Revelation 1, 18, 1 Thessalonians 4, 17, and 18. Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both man as well as God, and God as well as man, and truly in those days letting men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was as nothing to me. I counted not myself set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be resolved. At last that in the fifth of the revelations came into my mind, and I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders stood a lamb. In the midst of the throne thought I there is his Godhead. In the midst of the elders there is his manhood, but oh, me thought this did glister. It was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other Scripture also did help me much in this. To us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be on his shoulder, and his name shall be called wonderful, counselor, the mighty God, the everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace, et cetera, Isaiah 9.6. Also besides these teachings of God and his word, the Lord made use of two things to confirm in me these things. The one was the error of the Quakers, and the other was the guilt of sin. For as the Quakers did oppose his truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the Scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it. The errors that this people then maintained were, one, that the Holy Scriptures were not the Word of God, two, that every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, et cetera, three, that Christ Jesus, as crucified and dying sixteen hundred years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people, four, that Christ's flesh and blood was within the saints, five, that the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the churchyard shall not rise again, six, that the resurrection is past with good men already, seven, that that man Jesus that was crucified between two thieves on Mount Calvary and the land of Canaan by Jerusalem was not ascended up above the starry heavens, eight, that he should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day, and as man judge all nations, et cetera. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the Scriptures, and was, through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth, and, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much, for still as that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again and again and again, and that too, sweetly, according to the Scriptures. O friends, cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you, there is none teacheth like him. It would be too long for me here to stay, to tell you in particular how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how he did, that he might do so, lead me into his words. Yea, and also how he did open them unto me, make them shine before me, and comfort me, over and over, both of his own being, and the being of his son, and spirit, and word, and gospel. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in general he was pleased to take this course with me. First to suffer me, to be afflicted with temptation concerning them, and then reveal them to me, as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith, and then the Lord would show me the death of Christ, yea, and so sprinkle my conscience with his blood, that I should find, and that before I was not aware, that in that conscience where, but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and love of God through Christ. Now had I in evidence, as I thought, of my salvation from heaven, with many golden seals thereon all hanging in my sight. Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace with comfort, and should often long and desire that the last day were come, that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion with him whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face was spit on, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins. For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now me thought I was got so far therefrom that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it. And oh, thought I, that I were forescore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ some hundreds of years before I was born. For those who had writ in our days, I thought, but I desire them now to pardon me, that they had writ only that which others felt, or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God in whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand one day a book of Martin Luther. It was his comment on the Galatians. It also was so old that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hands, the which, when I had, but a little way perused, I found my condition, in his experience, so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel, for thus thought I, this man could not know anything of the state of Christians now, but must needs write and speak the experience of former days. Besides he doth most gravely also in that book debate of the rise of these temptations, namely blasphemy, desperation, and the like, showing that the law of Moses, as well as the devil, death and hell, hath a very great hand therein, the which at first was very strange to me. With considering and watching I found it so indeed. But of particulars here I intend nothing. Only this, me thinks, I must let fall before all men, I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians, except in the Holy Bible, before all the books that ever I have seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly. O, me thought, my soul cleaved unto him, my affections cleaved unto him. I felt love unto him as hot as fire. And now, as Job said, I thought I should die in my nest, but I did quickly find that my great love was but little, and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let him go again for a very trifle. God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of his holy Gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my interest in his love through Christ, the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before. And that was, to sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange him for the things of this life, for anything. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month. No, not sometimes one hour, and many days together, unless when I was asleep. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded that those who were once effectually in Christ, as I hoped, through his grace, I had seen myself, could never lose him for ever, for the land shall not be sold for ever, for the land is mine, say of God. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me, against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as he had done, and yet then I had almost none others but such blasphemous ones. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavor to resist it, then in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof. For it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, and such sort that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast my eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that, sell him, sell him. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, sell him, sell him, sell him. Just which I may say, for whole hours together I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, less happily before I were aware some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent thereto, and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole days together. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at sometimes I say consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, and by the very force of my mind in laboring to gainsay and resist this wickedness my very body also would be put into action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows. Still answering as fast as the destroyer said, sell him, I will not, I will not, I will not, I will not, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds. Thus reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults set to low a value of him, even until I scarce well knew where I was or how to be composed again. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet, but forsooth when I was set at the table at my meat I must go hence to pray, I must leave my food now and just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted I should say in myself, now I am at my meat, let me make an end. No, said he, you must do it now, or you will displease God and despise Christ. For I was much afflicted with these things, and because of the sinfulness of my nature, imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should deny to do it as if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty because I did not obey a temptation of the devil as if I had broken the law of God indeed. But to be brief one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was at other times most fiercely assaulted with this temptation to sell and part with Christ. The wicked suggestion still running in my mind, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, as fast as a man could speak, against which also in my mind as at other times I answered no, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together. But at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart. Let him go, if he will. But I thought also that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. O, the diligence of Satan, O, the desperateness of man's heart! Now was the battle won, and down I fell as a bird that is shocked from the top of a tree into great guilt and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed I went moping into the field, but God knows with as heavy a heart as mortal man I think could bear, where for the space of two hours I was like a man bereft of life and has now passed all recovery and bound over to eternal punishment. And with all that scripture did seize upon my soul, or profane person as he saw who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright, for ye know how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected, for he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears. Hebrews 12, 16, and 17. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come. Nothing now for two years together would abide with me but damnation and an expectation of damnation. I say nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o'clock one day, as I was walking under a hedge, full of sorrow and guilt God knows, and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence bolted in upon me. The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in my spirit, with that this word took hold upon me. The blood of Jesus Christ his son cleanseth us from all sin. I John 1.7. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and me thought I saw as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ thus represented to me, that my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it than this little clot or stone before me, is to this vast and wild field that I see here. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours, in which time also me thought I saw by faith the Son of God as suffering for my sins, but because it tarried not I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esau's selling of his birthright, for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea all the year long in my mind, and hold me down so that I could by no means lift up myself. For when I would strive to turn me to this scripture or that for relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me, for ye know how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Sometimes also I should have a touch from that in Luke 22 32. I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not, but it would not abide upon me, neither could I indeed when I considered my state find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace within me having sinned as I had done. Now was I torn and rent in heavy case for many days together. Then began I, with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search in the word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence by which I might take relief. Before I began to consider that third of Mark, all manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place, me thought, out of blush did contain a large and glorious promise, for the pardon of high offenses. But considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural state, committed such things as there are mentioned. But not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had, both after and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done. End of Part 4