 Hey Abbott what time is it it's time for the Abbott and Costello show we're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show It's the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure Chuckles with a carload and music by Matty Malek. So hold on to your chairs folks for here. They are but Abbott and Lou Costello Where you late again? Why am I late again? Yes? Well, I've been helping my uncle Tom's zizamas in his butcher shop in Baltimore He's having a sale on lamb chops for $4 a pound. Wait a minute. He sells lamb chops for $4 a pound What does he pay for them wholesale about six cents a piece? Then what makes the lamb chops so high? It's them little paper panties the garment workers union don't pay don't work for nothing You know, right That's talk says what why are you limping? Well when I was coming to the studio tonight a big dog in a parking lot bit Me on the leg. I still have the dog that dog might have rabies. Oh, gee. I hope he does He'll name one after me Ah Stop yet dummy Was that was a ever anybody in your family that wasn't an idiot Lou? Oh sure my great-grandfather when George Washington crossed the dollar where my great-grandfather Valley Forge Costello Was the first man to jump out of the boat. He was yes, but Washington made him get back in the boat and go across anyway I Never mind that what makes you look so tired didn't didn't you get any sleep? Oh, I snort so loud loud last night I kept waking myself up. Well, if you snorts a lot why why didn't you do something about it? I did I moved to another room Then I dreamed about Merlin all night long. By the way, how are you getting along with Merlin? We're hitting it off pretty good. You are yep. I keep putting my head on the shoulder and she keeps hitting it off Oh Custella all right That's a lot. Why don't you go back with the rest of the baboons? Okay, any message? Yes, the boys are on the beam tonight, and they'll be back on it in just about one minute, but first let's hear this The best things in life may be free the moon the sun a rare day in June the right summer But one best thing in life cost quite a few greenbacks It's a home of your own and that's exactly what seven couples have an opportunity to win this evening when they go for the house Go for the house is the wonderful show on which contestants can win a beautiful new honeymoon house of their own Each Thursday night MC John Reed King calls seven couples up to the ABC microphone Each couple selects a room of honeymoon house to furnish and as they answer each of seven questions correctly a different prize Goes into the house after the third question. They can take their prizes or go for the house If they answer their seventh question, they win the honeymoon house What is she'll fill with 30 minutes of excitement and suspense? Don't miss go for the house this evening over most of these same ABC stations And I'll back to ABC's Abbott and Costello Joe Why are you doing that rubber doll? What are you doing with that rubber doll as a present for my sister's baby Tony? He's one year old today has the baby learned to walk it Abbott kid is only one year old He only learned how to drive the car last week What's the baby's name? It's my sister's fifth baby and she named it mean toy lotus blossom mean toy lotus blossom Why did she name the child that she read in a big book that every fifth child born as a Chinese What is your sister's husband doing now huh? What's he doing now? He had a filling station and what a filling station But they picketed him and closed him up Now he's opened a skunk farm a skunk farm Mm-hmm a skunk farm he figures. That's one business the union won't stick their nose in I haven't seen your brother long in a long time. How is he Lou? Ah, you wouldn't know him Abbott the sands of time have changed his face Well, he's only a young guy. How could the sands of time change his face customer my sister belted him in a puss with a hourglass Where are your sister and husband has granulated eyelids? Yeah Well, where are your sister and husband living now? I'll let you know in a second hand In the middle of the page They're living in Pasadena and boy is that a ritzy town. Oh, no, no, no It's not so ritzy have a Pasadena so high-class that they stop all the tourists at the city limit and make them rent Mean coach before they can drive through town. I don't believe Ah stop, I don't believe that I don't believe that I don't believe it You don't believe it. No, I don't my brother Pat You should drive a truck for the city of Pasadena. He told me that all the garbage he picked up was gift wrap You mean your brother Pat drives a garbage truck Oh, he's just doing that until he gets his new invention on a market His invention will change the whole toothbrush industry. What is a tooth on a stick to clean brushes Castella, let's face it. Your brother is nothing but a bum I beg your pardon. I said your brother is nothing but a bum Abbott That's why I can't sleep at night Thinking what a bum my brother Pat is Well, if you can't sleep, why didn't you count sheep? I did once I counted the 10,000 sheep I was just ready to fall asleep when along came a black sheep and I got the thing of what a bum My brother Pat is and I couldn't sleep the rest of the night Castello with all the thousands of people that have no place to live and are looking for vacancies How can you walk around with a big empty head like that? Show me in the script where it says anything like that Oh, wait a minute. I can tell a joke. I'm a pretty good showman. Yeah. Yeah, you tell a joke like PT Barnum PT Barnum is dead. You keep telling those kind of jokes. You'll join them I don't know I don't know about that Lou. My wife always laughs at my jokes You ever noticed those little like crow's feet around her eyes? Those are from laughing at my jokes If those are crow's feet around your wife's eyes, crows that made him must have been wearing baseball shoes How can you say that? My wife Betty has a beautiful face. She's got an automobile face We'll watch an automobile face as soon as she gets the jacks. You ought to have it lifted My wife is okay And you'd better be off if you found a nice home Well, you'd be much better off Lou if you found a nice home with a loving girl and got married yourself Do you know where you're at? I don't But my wife is okay. You'd be better off if you found a nice home loving girl. I'm lost myself now Have you got your place? Have you got yours? Oh, yes, let's go. Let's go from scratch My wife is okay. You'd be better off if you found a nice home loving girl and got married yourself Well, we gave you enough time to rehearse, that's right Had a home loving girl and I had to get rid of her. Why when I wasn't around she was home loving some other guy Well, you should go out and meet some nice girls. I'm going out tonight. There's going to be 26 girls at this party I'm going to kiss every one of them. Now. That's the trouble with you. You have no manners Now when there are 26 girls at a party and you take you talk about kissing every one of them. Remember one doesn't One doesn't know. Well, tell me which one it is and I'll cross her off my list You get it. No, I didn't get it They are lost. Well, we were before Costelli you should be satisfied with one girl Don't you know one girl that you like better than the rest? Oh, but I saw one the day that I could really go for Well, why don't you propose to her propose to her? Yeah, how dare you say that to me? Well, your father proposed to your mother. Yes, she was my mother, but this girl is a total stranger But why don't you start calling her? I did. I sent her some orchids not orchids It says here orchids. No, no, no, not orchids orchids kids kids kids Oh, sure. Probably after we're married. No, no, no No, you know me you don't you don't get the girl with orchids You get her with orchids kids kids kids just a minute. Where am I getting all these kids? I ain't even married yet You talk sense. I'm talking about orchids orchids are raised in a nursery Your kids might have been raised in a nursery, but our kids are going to be raised at home. No, no You don't understand. I'm talking about orchids. We have orchids at home. They're potted They take after you don't they Probably mr. Costello you mind if I make an announcement This is Abbott's nephew folks at any statement that he makes does not necessarily reflect the views of a human being I'll go Go ahead norman make your announcement Ladies and gentlemen starting next monday. I will be available to the public as a babysitter. You can always tell another teacher Huh Again, please. I say ladies and gentlemen starting next monday. I will be available to the public as a babysitter. I thank you Just a minute norman. How can you be a babysitter? The only job you ever had was trying up bundles in the department store How could you be a babysitter? It's the same thing wrapping and unwrapping wrapping and unwrapping Hello boys I'm glad you showed up early viola tonight. I'm gonna sing a song just for you Why castella? I didn't know you sang. Oh, I got a high voice. I can hit a high you above teeth high you fine. Thanks. Hi you They know attention to them viola They know attention to them. And why don't you and I have a bite of supper after the show, huh? Well, I Well, just a minute viola. I hired you. Don't you think you should go out with me kid Mr. Costello, I'll decide who I want to go out with. Well, that suits me. Make your own choice I will try to help you in any shape or form With your shape with your shape and form nothing will help you Oh, that was awfully clever abbot. Oh, yeah, you know viola abbot is practicing up for television Why would mr. Abbott want to be on television? It's the only way he can get in every bar in town at once Well abbot I uh, and I I think we both struck out now. You tell one Well, I'll have a try at it. Did you boys know that my uncle is in the hospital? No viola. Tell us what happened Well, my uncle was watching two men hoisting a piano into the fifth floor window of a hotel He was waiting. I didn't hear viola wait. Take that again Well, I said my uncle was watching two men hoisting a piano into the fifth floor window of a hotel He was standing underneath them yelling heave ho heave ho wait a minute. How did you get into the hospital? They thought he said leave go Let's give this kid six silver dollars in the box of snickers I knew you're not mad at me just because I told a little joke. Well, I Oh, come here. Let me put my arms around you. No there Just rest your head on my shoulder And I'll hold you close now Would you mind if I ran my fingers through your hair? Viola, I wouldn't care if you walked through it in your bare feet When you hold me like this, I get an aching feeling in my chest Is it love? You're pressing against my elk's tooth Oh, get him up The plot thickens, we'll ring down the curtain in a nonsense just long enough to bring you this message How much do you think crime caused the citizens of the united states last year? According to figures gathered from the files of the federal bureau of investigation. The answer is more than 100 million dollars This alarming fact is one of many revealed to listeners of this is your fbi Broadcast over most of these abc stations each friday night The purpose of bringing facts like this to the attention of americans Is to spotlight dramatically how crime affects each of us and to explain how the individual can guard himself against methods used by lawbreakers Further the program which is the only network show produced with the full cooperation of the fbi Presents an authentic action-filled drama which drives home an important lesson Yes for exciting drama plus hence helpful to the protection of your family Be sure to listen to the official. This is your fbi tomorrow night when it's on the air over most of these abc stations And now back to abc's abominan castello show And now the spotlight turns to hallowind as our singing star. Here he is with maddy mollick and his orchestra Brush those tears from your eyes and try to realize that the ache in my heart is for you Brush those tears from your eyes and try to realize that from now on I'll always be true I went away But I didn't mean to stay and I will regret it until my dying day Brush those tears from your eyes and try to realize that the ache in my heart is for you That the ache in my heart is for you That from now on but I didn't mean to stay And I until my dying day That the ache in my heart is for you And I till my dying day brush those tears from your eyes And try to make the ache in my heart Castella come out here. What's that you have in your hand? It's a picture of my grandfather general stonewall castello What a hero Abbott he fought in the spanish-american war Every time he went off the battle all the girls in paddison would line up to kiss him goodbye Wait a minute every time he went to battle all the girls in paddison kissed him goodbye Yes, the war ended in 1898 But they couldn't get grandpa to stop fighting from 1935 He must have been some fighter. Yeah, she taught me to fight. I became quite a boxer I remember my first fight in the third round my manager threw a towel in and I won Well, wait a minute. How could you win if your manager threw in the towel? He threw it over my opponent's side Yeah, dummy, you're no fighter. You're not an athlete You're not an athlete in your whole family? Oh, yes, there is. My brother Pat is a famous athlete. Just last week you pitched a no-hit game Oh, lots of guys that pitched no-hit games In football? Castella, you and your brother Pat are the dopiest guys in the world Yes, there ain't nobody at dopier than him and me Well, that's incorrect. You should say there's nobody at dopier than he and I Okay, there's nobody at dopier than him and you But never mind that. How's Pat getting along with his new girl? Oh, well for a while he had it pretty tough. Every time Pat went over to see her Her brother would throw him out of the house. Last week her brother went away to college and things are different What do you mean? Now her father throws him out of the house Pat's working? Oh, yes, he's got a job at a milk company and he works like a horse. What does he do? He pulls one of the wagons Stella, what do you want Norman? Are you gonna do another one of them Sam Shuggle misery programs tonight? Look Norman, look at the script. That's mystery. I listen to the show brother. It's misery But if you don't keep that nephew out of here, I'm gonna flatten them I'll hit him in the head so hard that his shoes will have three tongues. I'll lay down Well enough of this nonsense. Custella. What did you say him shovel detective story about tonight? It's one of my greatest cases. I have it. I call it the case of the russian diplomat who took the 6 p.m. vote back to russia or Red sales in the sunset That sounds interesting. Let's get on with the case fair enough Yeah, I'm sam shovel Sam shovel private detective The detective business has been lousy lately I ain't got a nickel to my name I guess it's just as well How would it sound if people called me sam shovel nickel? Last night somebody ransacked my office They went over it with a fine tooth comb I know they went over it with a fine tooth comb because this morning when I came in the horse hairs sofa had a partner I'm so mad. I can see red. Hi Sam. Hi red In the office across the court. I see the beautiful stenographer combing her hair She just combed out her bangs I'm a little thirsty I think I'll have some orange juice I squeeze my orange juice the hard way The hard way I place the orange in my mouth stick my head in the doorway and slowly close the door On my way to the office. I found a woman's handbag I wonder what's in it. I decide to empty the contents on my desk That takes care of the change purse. I wonder what's in the bag I look at my appointment book. I see that tonight. I have a date with a gorgeous peach I think I'll break it and make a date with a girl I glance down at my desk. There's one of my old business cards Sam shovel FBI Fat busy ignoramus The printer made a mistake. I haven't been busy in years I look out the window in the garage across the street. The mechanic is working on a car On your mark get set go No matter what car comes in. He always races the motor Up the street. I see my pile lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad What a cop whenever the police department makes a raid lieutenant Abbott is a spearhead Not that he's so brave, but he's the only cop in the department with a head like a spear Abbott is a quiet cop every Sunday. He sits home and listens to the radio He's trying to win the jackpot and stop the music He's trying to win it the hard way the hard way He has no telephone It's it's a chilly day And I've got a fire going in the kitchenette of my little office There's a kettle boiling on the stove Hello sam shovel What's that smell coming from your kitchenette? It's my washing. I thought it smelled too good to be your cooking I'm mighty tired sam. So are your jokes I'm really tired I've just been out on a wild goose chase What were you chasing a wild goose? Lieutenant Abbott used to be a comedian tried to make a living He tried to make a living with his monkey shines He had to give it up There's no money in shining monkeys Lieutenant Abbott I've got bad news for you your cook was picked up this morning for passing a bad check Whose check was it yours? That's not funny same shovel You wanted a friend of mine. I'd punch you in the nose. I knew lieutenant Abbott was only bluffing He couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag Don't worry him after all how often do you get stuck in a paper bag? I mean got the small town talk sam Lefty lump head is in town and he's gunning for you. I know that lieutenant I've already notified the police. They've thrown a net over the city. I'll call headquarters and see how they're making out Hello chief. Yes This is sam shovel. Have you got that net out for lefty lump head? Yes How's the net working? Did you catch lefty yet? No, the net's working fine already. We've caught three butterflies Sam this is serious no matter what you give Abbott's nephew nothing happened, but sam Sam this is really serious lefty lump head is a killer. He's out to get you He may be on his way here now and I know you're afraid of me afraid of lefty lump head Pish tush I'd like to see the day I'd be afraid of him Hello sam This is the day Before me stood the toughest killer on the coast When he was eight years old, he shot his father and mother Then he asked the judge for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan What a tough mug. He's got cauliflower ears Never was a fighter. It's just that his ears was made out of cauliflower I noticed lieutenant Abbott's hand reached for his holster Abbott's gun barked. I got you covered Sam shovel I got one bullet in this gun. It's for you I'm going to give you a break Sam. I'll put that bullet wherever you say If it's all the same to you put it in lieutenant Abbott You're pretty clever lefty lump head You're one of the smartest burglars in the business, but there's something I want to ask you Oh, is it you you've never been caught robbing a house. That's easy. It's easy. I only rob houses on Thursday nights Why did you pick Thursday nights because Abbott and Costello were on the air Thursday nights and brother when they're on the air Nobody stays home Lefty that's alive Abbott and Costello are on right now. I'll prove it's alive by checking with the police department Hello, police department. Can you tell me we ain't got time to take an all I could stand from that killer Quick as a flash. I pulled my gun lefty is seriously wounded your bullet went through his shoulder call the hospital What have you done? What have you done sam shovel you shot my boyfriend lefty's girl the most gorgeous malony on the world She's beautiful look. He's bleeding call the hospital He's the only boyfriend I've got and he's liable to die Call the hospital if he dies Who's gonna love me and please me and kiss me Call the morgue back to a final reminder on this subject One day a little man who was quite a big guy in the underworld decided to turn over the proverbial new lead He thought to himself This life outside the law won't get me anything but a nice long jail sentence So this tiny pelt character took the bull by the horns from safecracker par excellence. He turns sleuth par excellence Know his name Sure, it's little herman that captivating character who entertains you with exciting adventure every saturday night over most of these same abc stations Little herman's never regretted his step for it was one in the right direction the direction of law and order As for excitement There is nothing lacking in the life of little herman because he knows the underworld He's of invaluable help to the law as little herman says it takes a crook to catch a crook So don't miss little herman on the air saturday night over most abc stations And I'll back for a final word from abc's avalanche castello show Well castella you should work hard tonight. Yep, but you know my motto hard work never hurt anybody That's what I keep telling the people that do my work. Well, you should thank You should thank the people that do your work. I'm going to do that right now At first I want to thank our writing staff headed by eddie foreman with paul carlin pat castello Wait a minute and our band leader maddie melnick. You're right. Let's not forget our producer charles vander See you next thursday night folks. Good night folks. Good night everybody Listen, it's Thursday night of this time for another great abacus castello show Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainer which follows throughout the evening on this abc station This is abc the american broadcasting company eight o'clock at keca am and fm los angeles