 All right, so I'm going to start with the longest chapter of the book, The Lesbian Sex Psycho Book with Cats. And it is called How Lesbian Sex Works. And it's the longest chapter, despite what you may have heard about lesbians. Lesbian sex has been confounding people since the dawn of cucumbers. What is it that two women do together in bed when they're not perfecting their cross stitch or creating non-binary safe spaces in which to embrace their intersectionality? Well, the serious lesbian will tell you there's no one right way that lesbians get it on, idiot. I will tell you the same thing, but in a far less judgmental tone. So here are the ins and ins and some outs of lesbian sex. Picture foreplay that lasts longer than a few minutes. Now add crying. That's it. Strap on sex is fun until you realize you don't know when to stop. It's just like porn for women, but with less soothing flute music playing, there's not one right way lesbians get it on. There are like four, at least. Pour the wine, light the fire. Now argue over something she said eight months ago. Lesbian foreplay. Strip every time Rachel Maddow makes a pun. And this is the haiku for this one. It's like straight sex, but afterwards we ask ourselves, we just had sex, right? And please enjoy the wet spot. I know I do. I can't give away all the secrets, but we'll say that our sex involves dream catchers. It's like straight sex, but the little spoon is determined by lottery. It's like straight sex, but by sex, I mean deconstructing patriarchy. For the love of all that is sacred, it's called foreplay. Think outside my box. Hitachi magic wands have two settings, low and immersion blender. It's like straight sex, but with more Ikea wardrobe storage assembling, how lesbians discuss porn. Of course, I loved Crash Pad's fisting lend a hand, but the book was better. Sex through the ages, sex in your teens. After a Buffy viewing, you're not going to tell your boyfriend, are you? Sex in your 20s. I'm pretty sure it was good, but that may have just been the tequila. Sex in your 30s. We can open this second bottle of wine or have sex, but not both. Sex in your 40s. You are not above bartering sex favors to get out of doing the dishes. Sex in your 50s. Let's do that role-play scene where I get to lie on my back the whole time. Sex in your 60s. I should tell you that I'm bi-onic, and this hip is titanium. Sex in your 70s. Fuck me until I can't remember my name. Wait, what is it again? If lesbian porn were accurate, and many of these, many of these are based on actual porn titles that I got from the internet when I was researching. Two hot milfs engage in steamy, clam photo sesh. One arranges bread, while the other gets the best angle for Instagram. Two blondes engage in some much sought-after pussy play. Susan and Chris knew how understaffed the local no-kill shelter was. Cohabitating coeds and lust swap many secrets. Take off your shirt, she commands. The soap I made has no skin irritants. A busty babe's first time kissing her flatmate. 10 hot seconds, followed by 10 months of what did it mean conversations. Naughty lesbian babysitter has a surprise for dad when he gets home. She let the kids stay up until 11, watching Harry Potter. Bicurious girls want to experiment. May expects Beck to make a move. Beck thinks May will. They die celibate. Petite redhead and Latina roommates surprise the pizza delivery man with a lecture on how his ball should really be composting those pizza boxes. Lesbian reviews the movie bound. Gina Gershon wears a tight tank top. Sorry, does something else happen? She's going to regret that. OK, a representative sample of all Craigslist women for women missed connections. Subject, to the tall dark haired witch from the moon worshipping ritual. I think you swiped my sage stick accidentally. I'd like it back, please. In response to the tall dark haired witch from the moon worshipping ritual. I bought that sage at womb of one's own sun ray. Do we need to dialogue? R-E-R-E to the tall dark haired witch from the moon worshipping ritual. Goddess, no. But I hope you purify your soul with it, Ember, to the girl ahead of me at Whole Foods yesterday. You have great taste in nutritional yeast. I will ignore the crazins. To the girl in line for the porta potty with the infinity tattoo at the Canadian Folk Festival. I wrote a poem about your shoulder blades. Can I tweet it to you? To the girl in the beige multi-pocket invest working at the Berkeley REI. I smiled at you in my mind and never made eye contact. You're the one. Possible first messages to women on online dating sites. I'd love it if we could message each other for months and then never meet. Like being pissed on? I know, OK, Cupid Girl asks. If so, you're in luck. The wrong way to break up with someone. This may be based on an actual picture of me. I wish. Clutching this 40, like it was you in my arms, was going too far. And this is the last set. It's called hipster appropriation of lesbian culture, a manifesto. First, they came for our small batch pickled Kohlrabi, and we said nothing. Then they came for our plaid. And we blogged a little, but still said nothing. Then they came for our light beer, and we tweeted passive-aggressively. Then they came for our mullets. And we let that one slide, actually. Then they came to our bars, and we hit on all of them on accident. Thank you guys so much.