 Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haynes. And that roly-poly little roadhog who, whenever he's stopped by a traffic cop, always says... Hey, Costella, Costella, come here. Where have you been? Hey, wait a minute. And where did you get that suit? It looks like a naval officer's uniform. Oh, a naval officer's uniform! Uh-huh. I should have to tell you, Abbot, I'm gonna join the Merchant Marine. How do you like the fancy uniform? Get all the gold bread on my cap, the gold bread on my sleeve. Wait a minute, Costella. That's a nice uniform, all right? But you've got the pants on backwards. I know. I want to be a rear-admiral. Look, you can't get it in the Merchant Marine. You couldn't pass the physical examination. Who couldn't have it? I walked in a recruiting officer's afternoon, everybody stood up and the captain pointed at me and he said, Boys, there's a whale of a man. The captain said you were a whale of a man? Well, he didn't use them same words. What did he say? He said, Boys, get a load of that big hunk of blubber. You know, I can hardly wait till I get on my ship, Abbot. Sailing, sailing, over the bounding New Jersey... Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's over the bounding Maine. I come from Paterson, New Jersey. Why should I give a plug to Maine? No, I love plug. Well, there you are. That shows you you know nothing about the sea. You're not a nautical, man. I'm not what? I said you're the, you're the least bit nautical. Oh, I have my moments. Oh, no, you're not. I do, Abbot. I do. And after all, a fella can't be nice-icle all the time. There's no sense-icle and be a nice-icle when you meet a little cuticle who wants to be nautical. What are you talking about? What am I talking about? Yes. Well, last night-icle, I met a cuticle riding a bicycle. I bought her a popsicle, and just as she was going to give me a kiss-icle, a cop-sicle on a motorcycle blew his whizz-icle, and gave me a slap-sicle in a puss-icle, and sent me home-sicle. That's enough of that silly talk. What do you mean by coming in here talking about being a sailor? You don't know anything about the sea. Who don't? My whole family were sailors, Abbot. Even my Uncle Artie Stubbins was a sailor. What was his capacity? Five quarts? No, no, no. What did he do as a sailor? He was on a tanker. Where is he now? On a fender? Now, will you be serious, please? Now, take me. Who wants you? Now, shut up. I love the sea. The sea is in my blood. Sailboats, seamboats, rowboats, they're all in my blood. No wonder your skin is so lumpy. Oh, you can joke all you want, but I love the sea. Do you realize that I lived on soft water for 20 years? How can you drink that stuff? Oh, never mind that. The ocean is wonderful. Did you ever see the flying fishes fly? All the leaping tuners leap? Nope, but I saw the dolphin's stout and heard the porpoise's pork. Look, Castella, I'm going to see how much you know about boats. Now, have you ever been down to the docks? Yeah, I was at the docks this morning. Did you see any vessels? Yep, the nurse carried one in. No, no, no. I'm not talking. I'm not talking about that kind of a dock. I'm talking about a wharf. A what? A wharf. Wharf, wharf, wharf. Oh, that's cute, Abbott. Now, give me your paw. No, no, no, no, no, Castella. The wharf is where the boats embark. Do what? Embark, embark. Woof, woof, woof, woof. What are you doing? I didn't know you want to play talking. Oh, Castella, please. I don't think you know anything about boats. Do you know anything about sloops? Oh, I'm crazy about sloops. Nothing like a hot bowl of sloop with plenty of clackers. You dummy, you wouldn't know the difference between a s- I'm starting to talk like Charlie Chan. Listen to me, please. I'm just, I'm just after telling you, you wouldn't know the difference between a sloop and a gunboat. That's what my mother made for lunch. She made what? Chicken gunboat sloop. You please talk sense. Look, how about this boat you're going out on? How fast is it? How fast is it? Yeah, it goes 40 miles an hour. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you don't mean miles. You mean your boat goes knots. My boat goes knots? Certainly. Every boat goes knots. The faster the engines turn, the more knots you get. And the more you talk, the more knots I get. No. Will you please listen? Knots are nautical miles. For instance, if you ask a sailor how fast a boat is going, he won't say miles to you. He'll say knots to you. And I'll say knots right back to half. Oh, no, you don't. No, no, no, no. You're a fine sailor. Great guy to have on a boat in case of an emergency. Look, what would you do if you were on a boat and it started leaking in the middle of the night? I'd put a pan under it and go back to bed. No, no, no. Isn't that right? No, certainly not. Suppose there was a big hole in the side of the boat and the water was rushing in. What would you do? I'd pour a hole on the other side and let the water out. You see, there you go again. Why, you don't even know what part of the boat from one part from the other. Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do. Well, let me see here. Let's see. All right, go ahead. Name the different parts of the boat. Okay, the bow, the bow is the front of the boat. That's right. The stern is the back of the boat and the starboard is on the right side. Yeah, where's the port? In the bottle in the icebox. There you go. I told you, look, look, look, suppose you were out in a boat and a strong east wind came up. What would you do? I'd throw out an anchor. That's right. Now, but suppose a terrific west wind came up. I'd throw out another anchor. But suppose a north wind came up. Then I'd throw out another anchor. Hey, wait a minute. Where are you getting all those anchors? Same place you're getting while I wind. Costello, you are without a doubt the most imbecilic moron I have ever met in my life. Thank you, Abbott. And I wish you'd tell that to my Uncle Artie Steppins. Why? He thinks I'm a jerk. Eddie Ritz with the wonderful arrangement of Sweet Dreams, Sweet Heart. What's the idea of dragging me down here to shipyards? Well, Costello, if you're going into the merchant marines you've got to learn something about boats. Now, is he right over there, tied up to that pier? You see two schooners and a skiff. Oh, this must be the place where my Uncle Artie Steppins was last night. What do you mean? He had two schooners and he came home skiff. No. Will you cut that out, please? Hey, Abbott. Abbott. Look, look. There's a boat over there with only top on it. Oh, that's one there just building. That's a hull of a ship. You're telling me. But what kind of a boat is it? Hey there, fat boy. Step aside. We're about to christen a ship. All right, lady. Break that bottle of champagne over the stern. Sorry. In all this fog, I couldn't tell one tub from another. Let me at that day. Get away from there, Costello. It's not her fault. She mistook you for a ship. I hope I didn't hurt you. Oh, no. You didn't. In fact, my boilers in my engine room was flooded. I should let girls around shipyard, Abbott. I'm telling you. Oh, I have a perfect right to be here. It should look like a blood transfusion. All right. Never mind that now. I said that, didn't I? I have a perfect right to be here. In fact, they named this boat after me because I have such graceful lines. My friends tell me I look just like a streamlined ship. Well, don't look now, kid, but your cargo has shifted. Hey, wait a minute. What are you two guys hanging around here for? My friend, Costello here, wants to be a sailor. Oh, he does, huh? Yes. Oh, come on, fat boy. Grab that duffel bag and follow me. Okay. Oh, put me down, you fool! I'm sorry, Lee. In all this fog, I couldn't tell one old duffel from another. Costello, come on. Let's go. Our singing star now, lovely Connie Haynes in one of today's favorites. I'll be my doom. Let hope to you seem to see birds that fill my heart. Please, let's get going. Come on. Yeah, step right into this office and we'll examine you. Now that's it. Now, uh, open your shirt, Costello, and let me see what kind of a chest you've got. Oh, I couldn't do that. Oh, come on, Costello, open your shirt. Yeah, but I can't. I feel too embarrassed. Embarrassed to show your chest? I forgot the comet this morning. Come on, here, I'll help you off with your shirt. Come on. Hey, you got some nice tattooing there. What's that picture of that lady on your back? Oh, that's Whistler's mother. Whistler's mother? Well, what are those two sailors doing there with her? Those are the guys she whistled at. Well, you seem to be all right physically. Now, just step in the next room and see the officer in charge of personnel. Hi, I am Sugar Andy, and the poof-deck I'm at the Andy. Hey, look, Costello, it's Pencil. There you are, Maggie. Well, well, well, for goodness sake. What can I do for you, boys? I'm in charge of the CBs. CBs? Yeah, CBs. Now, just a second, Costello, what are you doing with your hand? I'm saluting you. That's a very funny salute. Can I help it off my nose, itches? Costello, behave yourself. Kitzel, could you use a man like Costello on one of your ships? Oh, yes, indeedy. You know, I've got a ship leaving tomorrow for the underwear island. The underwear island? Ah-ha, the West Undies. Oh, I was telling you last summer what a picture company. In the West Undies? I was making shorts. He was making shorts. Oh, I get it. Ha-ha-ha, making shorts. I don't wear them. Now, listen, Kitzel, where else does your boat go? Well, after it leaves the West Undies, it goes to Cuba, Puerto Rico, and Haiti. What comes after Haiti? Haiti one, Haiti two, Haiti three. Oh, I bet this guy is nothing but a big no-bab. What is a no-bab? Spelt backwards, baboon. Who are you calling a baboon in my country? That means fight. Well, in my country, that means fight, too. Well, how do you like that? We're both from the same country. Costello, quit hogging and our Kitzel won't give you a job. Yes, sir, Mr. Costello, and you know I got just a job for you. We are looking for a brave boy like you to fight man-eating sharks in the water. Oh, I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I couldn't take that job. On account of my middle name is Earl. What's your middle name got to do with it? Earl and water, don't mix. Costello, don't be such a coward. Why don't you admit that you can't swim? Who can't swim? Every night I go swimming after dinner. You mean you swim on us? A full stomach? No, I swim on my back. Last night I was out swimming in the ocean. I saw a school of whales swimming eight feet above the water. Now just a second, just a second. How could a school of whales swim eight feet above the water? This was a high school. I couldn't take a high school where we're going to see how much you know about swimming. I challenge you to a swimming race right now. You are, Costello. Kitzel is calling you bluff. All right, Kitzel, tell you what I'll do. Do you see that little red light way out in the water? Oh, yes. Well, we'll swim out of that red light in back. And the guy who makes it in the fastest time wins. Okey-dokey, I'll go for you. Go ahead. Well, there he goes, Costello. He's swimming straight for the red light. You'd better be ready to try it when Kitzel gets back. Kitzel ain't coming back. Isn't coming back? What do you mean? That red light is on the back end of a boat going to China. Tonight, Connie Haines sings a beautiful ballad. I'm making believe. I'm making believe that you're in my arms though I know you're so far away I'm making believe I'm talking to you if you could hear in the gloom like we used to do so till my dreams come true goodnight making believe you're in my arms making believe if you could hear what you used to do Costello, this is ridiculous. We've been rowing around in this harbor in the dock for over an hour. They've chased you off every ship. Nobody wants to hire you as a sailor and besides, I'm very hungry. Oh, here's a bottle of milk. Catch yourself a fish. What kind of a fish could I catch with a bottle of milk? Catfish. Oh, look, let's go back to shore. Not me, Abbott. I'm going to every boat in this harbor until I get a job. Hey, hey, look. There's a boat bearing down on us now. Can you spare a dime for a cup of coffee? A dime for a cup of coffee? Who are you? Oh, just a tramp steamer. Here's a quarter of an isle. Go scutting yourself, will you? Hey, Costello, there's a big ship lying in anchor and there's a ladder hanging over the side. Look, I'll grab you by the coat and boost you up. What rip? Your coat is gone. Then you better grab me by the shirt. What rip? Your shirt is gone now. I'll grab you by the trousers. I'm afraid to ask. What's coming off down below? You'd be surprised. Better get you aboard. Never mind aboard. Give me a barrel. Stand by below. I'm sending down my first mate. Put something around me. Abbott, quick. His wife is coming down. Ahoy up there. Don't bother sending down your first mate. All right. I'll send down my second mate. How do you like that? The guys are pigamists. Don't send down your second mate either. How about the third mate? The guys got three mates. What is this? To see a mat for money. Go ahead, Costello. Climb aboard. Well, welcome to the SS Sponge. This sponge is soaked. Hey, you must be our new Admiral. Just a minute, Captain. Wait a minute. Quiet, quiet. What's the matter? Abbott, this guy thinks I'm an admiral. This is my big chance to run my own ship. Take it easy. Here I go. Watch me put it on. Take it easy. Go ahead. Crank up the ship. Let's get started. Put it in gear. Oh, but sure. You can't start the ship until you get steam up. I'll get steam up. Hey, steam. Get up. Anything else, sir? Yeah. Batten down the hatches. What the hatches are all batten down? Batten them down again. We'll show those hatches. Wait a minute, Costello. You can't make this ship go until you weigh the anchor. Okay, Abbott. Bring me the scales. No. Before you start, Costello, you'd get all your hands on deck. Get what? Your hands. Where are your hands? In my pocket, ya dope. Costello, what about the weather? Did you get the weather forecast? The what? The weather forecast. How do you find the weather? I opened the window, and there it was. No. This is serious, Costello. Suppose we run into a storm. Oh, I don't think we'll have a storm. How about a shower? Take one if you think you need it. Oh. And I think you need it. Yeah, never mind. I think we both need it. All right. Come on, Costello. Let's go up on the captain's bridge. Honest what? That thing over there is the captain's bridge. For goodness sakes, how did you get that big thing in his mouth? Pardon me, sir, but we'd better not set sail. The barometer is falling. Let's pick it up and let's get going. A bass, you slobs, swabs, change sail, raise the gypsail, lower the sheets and change the bedspreads. Well, we're moving, Costello. Isn't this wonderful? Here we go over the bounding waves. Up and down. Up and down. Are you psychic? No, I'm seasick. Ah, you'll be all right in a minute. Let's take a walk around the dick. Hey, Evan. What? Isn't the air wonderful? What's that little coop up on top of the ship? That's the crow's nest. The crow's nest? Let's go up and take a peek at the little darlings. Oh, please, please. There are no crows up there. Then what are those big birds flying around up there? Those are gulls. How can you tell the gulls from the boys? No. Come on, please, Costello, please. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I mean, I want to climb up in that crow's nest and gather some eggs. There are no eggs in that crow's nest. There must be a couple of them just dropped after that last gag. Look, please, forget about the egg. I wish I was an egg. What do you mean? Now take it easy. Resuscitation. Now wait a minute. Resuscitation. Just a minute, look. Now be careful what you're saying. I'd like to be a little egg sitting in a tree. When you'd walk by, I'd break myself and splatter thee with me. Some yolk. Yes, plenty. Costello, please, cut that kind of stuff out. Well, I think I'll go below and get something to eat. Well, where do I eat? Well, you can mess with the captain's wife. Not me. I ain't messing with nobody's wife. Oh, pardon me, sir. We'll have to turn back. We're going to run into a squall. Costello, look. Something looming up ahead of us in the fog. Yes. He's trying to run into us. Yes. Hide in me. Costello, you'd better let me take that wheel before we're all killed. Don't you get worried, Abbott. Don't you worry. I can steer this boat. I know every rock along this coast. That must be a strange one. Hey. Costello. What? I think you struck a reef. A what? Reef, reef. You were barking much better in the first spot. Right. Hey, we're moving again. Look out, Costello. There's a little fishing boat dead ahead. Press your clams at 25 cents a dozen. Press your clams at 25 cents a dozen. Climb a child at 10 cents a bowl. Clackers, I'm in a sloop again. Singing star Connie Haynes has already musically tell us, is you is or is you ain't, my baby? Come on, God. I got a man anytime, but I love just to get it straight, cause I want him. Creature that has always been strange. Just when you're sure of one you'll find he's gonna make a change. Is you ae my baby when somebody new? Man is a creature who's always been strange. When you're sure of one you'll find he's gonna make a change. And I'll hear our bud and Lou back with a final word. Say, Costello. Yeah. Did you know that your kid brother Sebastian was sitting in the control room all through the show tonight? Yeah. What's he doing in there? I'm gonna find out. Hey, Sebastian! Come on out here. I'm gonna ask you guys to do me a favor. Well, what's on my mind? I mean, what's on your mind? Yeah, but if I'm gonna play these double parts, I want more money. Come on, Sebastian. What do you want? Well, Uncle Bud, I'm thinking of starting a program on my own. And I got a couple of good guys to help me do it. Midgey Shields and Tommy Lam. And we want to put on a nice program. Now, you know all the big shots on radio. You can help me. Well, we'd like to help you, Sebastian, but really, we don't know anybody. Don't give me that. I heard this program tonight. You must know somebody. Now, look, Sebastian, I'm surprised at you to think that you would come out here on this microphone and deliberately try to discredit the acting ability of your brother Lou and myself. How can you be so ungrateful? What in the world is the matter with you? Tonight, folks!