 Hello everybody. Welcome back to Esoteric Atlanta. Of course, this is our reading on the Magdalen manuscript that we've been on for a while. It's going to be a little bit longer of a reading today because I want to go ahead and finish up this chapter. We are almost done with the book and I'm super excited about the next book that we're going to be doing on Tuesdays. I'll tell you guys later which one that is but I am so excited, okay? So if you're following along, my book, we're going to be starting on page 253. Of course, we're in the middle of Judy's own personal story, her own awakening as it were. If you are new to this channel, I'm so glad you're here. But once again, as always, I would suggest that you probably start with part one. This is in the playlist, Understanding the Magdalen. We have, let's see, four books right now in that series when we're studying what the Magdalen means, what the Divine Feminine actually means. Of course, we started off with Megan Watterson's Magdalen Revealed. We finished that. We've also finished the Sophia Code. And currently, we are almost done again with the Magdalen manuscript and we have started the return of the Divine Sophia as well on that channel. If you go to the playlist, you'll see all the books. You'll see them divided into parts that we've broken down so that we can have discussions over these findings over our own research into what they have found regarding the true story, the truth of our spirituality and what the Magdalen means. The Magdalen again, from my understanding, means womb. It's a womb. And Mary Magdalen, the person we know as Mary Magdalen, from my understanding, her name was never Mary. It was just Magdalen. And she carried the name Magdalen through her mother's line. Now, again, if you're following along also in the other playlist, we know that Magdalen and Yahshua's line, their blood lineage, were the Merovingians. And the Merovingian, it comes from Magdalen, which is the O negative blood type, which is the Atlantean or Lyran blood type that happens to be my blood type as well. And so this is all part of a bigger story. Again, the spirituality of you understanding God is the big awakening, right? Everything else, the story, that's just part of the details of the exterior details. But the most important part of this awakening is you. Is you finding that connection back to your creator through you? Not through a priest, not through a rabbi, not through anybody else, but you. And that's the beautiful thing about this book and a lot of the books that we're studying is it really does come down to your experience, your perspective, your divine spark. All right. So again, we're starting again on page 253. She had lost, kind of lost the love of her life. He had some financial crisis back in Europe. She had to kind of go through another kind of rebirth and restoration of her own soul. Many times we've seen in her story, she's had to do that, which also mirrors a lot of us. A lot of us have had to do that. You know, we think about restoration and the cycle of life. Yes, we have the grand cycle of birth, life and death. But in our own lives, we have micro birth, lives and deaths as well. We die to our own self every time we awaken even more. So I love reading her story because it does make you realize sometimes we feel very alone in this world that we are the only one going through such heartache. But nobody in this world gets out of this world alive. And if you understand true spirituality, you understand that heartache and suffering is a necessary part. It's a necessary friction to get you to change, to get you to understand who you are. If life were just peaches and roses and rainbows and unicorns, we would never evolve, ever. Even when we get to fourth density positive, when we get to fourth density positive, they're still going to be karma. They're still going to be things we have to work through. It's just never-ending, but there's a beautiful side to all of this suffering. And I hope, again, reading through her story, it helps many of you feel like you're not alone. It maybe gives you a different perspective into your own life, into your own story as it's done for me. All right. So once again, after she kind of had to restore herself, she took her daughters and they went off to Europe to find some of these locations where allegedly Magdalene had lived. Now, this again is where my information differs because I am following currently at the moment the Tartarian timeline. And so with the Tartarian timeline, it comes the idea, the theory, that what we call as Egypt, what we call Israel today, that's not the original location. So that the original location is actually here in the American continent. So Egypt, according to the Tartarian timeline, Egypt, the original Egypt would be the southeastern part of the United States, where I live. Israel would have been the Grand Canyon, which makes a lot of sense, right? The Northeast is Babylon. So that's kind of my perspective and my research right now. So I don't agree with these landmarks in Europe being where Magdalene actually lived. If you again, if you look into Tartaria, you see how they moved artifacts, all that kind of stuff after Gog and Magog. But with that being said, we're still going through the research because all of this is really just theory at this moment. So we can't shut off to any possibility because if we shut down to any all possibilities, then we've closed our mind. I mean, we want to have open minds when we come in to rediscovering this stuff. All right. So here we go. They're in Europe. Despite the heights I scaled in Europe, despite my visions and visitations there, I home ultimately demanded our presence. Life refused to be avoided and we return deeply touched, but only momentarily distracted from my losses. I suppose relationship is not really my life's work, I told myself. Perhaps I should pass the torch I carry for this work to someone who can bring it home. Obviously, I can't do it. I made peace with all my childhood advisors, said goodbye to all my dreams. And one night when Tom and Pam and I were driving through Hopi land, I realized what I had to do. The love between them was the deepest and purest love I had ever seen between two people. I was thrilled. I was thrilled to be close to it. Absolutely thrilled that the closer I got, the more obvious the love was. It wasn't put on for show. They had loved each other from first sight. The exquisite depth of it had not lessened through the years and the experiences of each other's flaws. They still held each other in the highest of scenes on all levels spiritually and emotionally. Maybe I'm not the one who is supposed to work in relationship. I gushed out from the back seat, gesturing blindly in the dark, nothing if not dramatic. I've never seen two people love each other the way you do. It would be my honor to pass the relationship torch to you. Now I can relax and stop searching. I will never have another relationship. I passed the torch to you. I think we've all been in that situation. Ruby, just there have been times in my life where I just don't even want to see a man because I'm just so hurt and pissed that I just want to be by myself and that's okay. We need those times by ourselves to kind of regroup, right? Heal our hearts. I don't know if either of them understood the depth within me from which my words came, but I leaned forward from the back seat and announced just that. I told them I never seen any two people love each other as they love each other. And I babbled on that I'd always been told that I came to work on balancing the male female energy on the plane through living with my mate and through the day-to-day living loving of each other in the full and total harmony and evenness and truth. And then I thrust my hand forward as if passing a torch and similarly announced that I was out of the relationship business and that the job was henceforth theirs. Then I sat back and was quiet to emphasize my point. By this time, however, I'd spent two years desiring to die and I usually get what I want in the long run. I just noticed that I usually get what I want after I don't want it anymore. And so it was inevitable, I suppose, that the discomfort from certain physical symptoms would overtake the attention I was paying to my depression. Walking had become painful. My joints ached. I felt terrible. My strength seemed to have run out along with my will. I had no energy. I couldn't sleep at night, tossing and turning, haunted by all the ghosts of my past. Oh girl, been there many times. Still there sometimes. I contacted Metronon, the Archangel through a remarkable and most genuine woman in Utah who was also a medical intuitive. I had several readings and they along with the information I had gotten from the Hathors through Tom had been my only source of comfort and healing through those years. Metronon had sharp words for me on this occasion though. He told me I was in the early stages of lupus and that if I didn't work immediately to counteract or it, I would get my death wish. He then gave me a formula of antioxidants to take. I immediately called Tom and asked to speak to the Hathors. I needed co-operation or a different opinion. When they came in, I announced my unfaithfulness and told them that I had been seeing someone else. They howled with laughter and then without telling them anything that I had already been told, they launched into what was wrong with me and what I could be done to heal it if I chose to live. Then they gave me the sounds that I needed to release and heal. It was recorded and I took those sounds home and played them over and over and over. I credited Tom's Hathor sounds along with the regimen of antioxidants, antioxidants, there we go, with healing me. Now, I must tell you that though I'd had my personal healing experience with sound, I had not experienced Tom Kenyon as a teacher. Needless to say, I had issues with teachers and I had observed his impeccability as a human for a long, long time before I decided I would take a chance and see what he taught. But by now, the impact of sound on my life was significant and when there was a local workshop, if it only made sense for me to step in and help with registration and other facilitation needs as a feeble attempt at a thank you. So there we go, guys. So I talked about this with Stephanie and Emmy. So what is she saying here? So there's a lot of sound workshops that go on at like yoga studios and stuff like that with sound bowls, Shanti does sound bowls. So what she's saying here is that she would take every opportunity that came along for sound healing and if she couldn't afford it, she worked for the studio. She took in registration. I talked about those Stephanie and Emmy. Many small businesses, many shalas, many healing clinics that are owned by people, not by corporations will work with you. So there you go. She just proved my point. So if you're someone that's looking to start yoga or go to sound healing or Reiki or anything like that and you don't have the means to afford it yet, just contact the teacher, contact the healer, work something out with them. This happens all the time. It's not an anomaly. It happens all the time. So I hope that gives you guys some confidence seeing that she did that as well. All right. By the end of the first day, I had discovered that my friend Tom not only had one of the most remarkable voices in the world, but was also the most erotic single human being I'd ever experienced on a vast purview of subjects. He understood the nuances and the intentions behind the major streams of internal alchemy, including Tibetan Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Egyptian high alchemy and esoteric Christianity and whatever his subject he taught with humor and humility, making the material both comprehensible and consciousness alerting simultaneously. He had distilled the essence of how each stream raises consciousness. He literally understood the intention behind what was held as sacred within each pathway. He understood the mystery without having to wrap the tendrils of dogma around it. He gleaned the kernels of these streams of internal alchemy and taught both the science and the physics of consciousness, carefully and gently with no dogma attached. By the end of the first weekend, Tom Kenyon had earned my respect in a category where I never thought I would respect another human being as a teacher. I was different. Literally and profoundly alerted from both the information and the sound. I knew how he lived his life. I had been around the house enough to see the impeccability with which he attended his daily functions. I knew his honor. I saw how much he loved his wife, how he served the feminine, how the mother was honored in his work. Now I had experienced the master teacher and I wanted to help him present his work to the world in a way it deserved to be presented. As I researched his life, I discovered he was one of the pioneers in helping science accept the reality that sound and frequency can do and do to shift brain states having formed acoustic brain research to research the effects of sounds of consciousness in 1983. He's been a decade doing the research that ultimately proved just how successful sound could alter and affect brain states. So again, are you Veda the sister science of yoga? I've talked about this before. The three principles of are you Veda is breath, food and sound or vibration. That's why I've said before in the yoga world. It's imperative that the teachers speak in Sanskrit because that's the light language of sound. That's the vibration that's already affecting the consciousness. So that's super important. What he's studying was already one of the main principles in eastern philosophy and healing. He had coined the world psychoacoustic to explain the marriage of psychotherapy and sound. How this translated in a workshop was actually quite obvious and utterly brilliant. The left brain got the hard information it needed from the psychotherapist scientist Tom and the right brain got what it needed during the sound meditations from the mystical Tom. Unspoken material was transmitted through sound codes that came through his voice during these frequent sound meditations. The combination of both teaching and words and toning and sounds was remarkable to experience. My intuition told me his work was going to be critical in the next decade on planet earth. We began to dialogue about how I could help Tom put his work into the world. My years in communication and writing could be used on something that made a difference again. But then their beautiful waterfront rental house went on the market for sale and since they had to move, they decided to move to the southwest. I couldn't face any more losses in my life. We were all so close. I reasoned it was perhaps time for a change in my life as well and I made plans to join them. The three musketeers couldn't be separated by anything so mundane as losing a rental house and my friends like we and friends like we had become don't come along often in a lifetime. I held a garage sale and sold my favorite things and went east to handle some old business there. My mother's care had gotten beyond my capability and I finally placed her in a home. My daughters were both in college. I could move anywhere. Pam had fought breast cancer a few years before but she had successfully beaten it. She had chosen to live. I had worked to do now that felt important and no longer spent all day wanting to die. I too had chosen life. So life began to feel like springtime. There were many places within Tom's work where my business background was sorely needed. I was going to help facilitate for him and I was heavily involved in raising funds to build a sound healing temple that the Hathorys had requested in New Mexico which is interesting because that's part of the old Israel. That's where there's ISIS temples and all that kind of stuff. So that makes sense to me. There was so much work to do and I generally felt that getting Tom's work into the world was the most important thing I could do with my talent. His work is sound and sound and music cut across all boundaries. Sound transcends languages and he was real. He was no hypocrite and he loved and honored the feminine. The mother and he loved and adored his wife and that was what really mattered to me after a lifetime of men who either abused or ignored the feminine and besides we were all best friends. We all had great times together. We moved through the kitchen with ease. We traveled together well. We laughed and watched bad television together. Pam and I had cried over the mistakes we'd made with our children. We looked at our childhood photo albums and saw that we had known how beautiful we were. We cried together that we had spent a lifetime thinking we were fat and ugly. I looked at her childhood photos and saw one of the truly most beautiful women I'd ever seen. She swore the same was true of me. We held each other and told each other our most intimate secrets. She'd given up a girl for adoption at birth. I had given up a girl for adoption at birth. But Pam's shoulder had begun to hurt and when she went to the doctor on the island before they left they told her it was a torn rotator cuff probably from her previous surgery. They decided would take a long time to heal and there was nothing she could do so she did nothing but it was getting worse and then just before Christmas, Tom called me on the east coast where I was cleaning up old business. Pam's pain had gotten so bad and that he had taken her to the emergency room. The emergency room had done bone scans which hadn't been done on the island and they show that the cancer had gone to the bones. That's bad when it gets to the bones. Tom was told that Pan was in stage for cancer. Allopathic medicine offered her nothing but only a death certificate. It was jarring news but Pam swore she could beat it. Before I could join them they began the process of moving back. Pam wanted to come closer home. Then they called and asked if I would accompany Pam to Mexico to a specific clinic where there was hope through a new treatment. Tom had taken care of her alone for the last several years since the initial diagnosis and expenses were mounting and he needed to stay behind to work and pay bills. It would mean being gone for a month and Adriana had just gotten home for the summer and wanted me with her but I had made a promise a few years back on a beach in Greece in the middle of the night that I knew I had to go. So remember last week Pam asked her travel to Judy when she was traveling with her girls and she never told us what the conversation was but now I think we're starting to understand what that is. So let's reread that but I had made a promise a few years back on a beach in Greece in the middle of the night and knew I had to go and so it was that Pam and I spent a month in Tijuana in a clinic that used insulin comas just to spend the body in a state close to death allowing for maximum penetration of oxygen which ostentatively could kill cancer cells. This process was highly experimental and was not possible North America not with the monopoly on death that the American Medical Association has. True that. In that month I watched the most remarkable desperate and genuine people come and go. I watched miracles occur and I watched people die. When Pam initially began the coma process after weeks of preparation the induction process caused a terrible struggle as she moved between the dimensions. The shifting of dimensions was exhausting emotionally as it was physically and after her first coma pan swore she would never do another one. The process of both induction and the return to consciousness were extremely altering. The sense of departure was so severe on induction that panic could easily occur and when they injected the vitamin formula through her back the body was subject to horrible sweats and spasms. The morning she was due to appear for a second coma she refused to go. The comas were everyone felt her only hope. There was nothing left to try. She had been doing all the other possible protocols for weeks to build her system but she was in stage four cancer. North America offered her no hope. This at least offered her hope and as long as she had thought she could handle the process she had believed she could heal. I didn't know what to do. I was alone in Tijuana, Mexico with my best friend and the responsibility felt huge and so that morning I seized the only thing I could think of. I offered to try to guide her through the dimensions during the induction process to try to guide her into a coma and back with my voice to lay a trail she could follow when her consciousness left her body and I promised her I would be there for her when she returned singing her back. She liked the idea which is that that's so interesting that she offered to do that because we know even biblically like and we see this for people who have near-death experiences that when you start to leave your life and you start to cross over the veil to the other side the people that you've loved and trusted in your life that went before you are often there standing to help you get to the other side to be a safe place for you to land. I know when my grandmother, my mom's mom, I mean I was nine when she passed away but I've heard I wasn't in the room when she passed away the grandkids weren't allowed in which I understand they didn't want us to see her. She was dying of cancer. They didn't want us to see her looking that sick. They wanted us her grandkids to remember her healthy which I respect but I remember my mother and her sisters who were in the room with her when she was dying said that a few days before she passed away when she was really just hanging on she was openly talking to my grandfather who had passed away like four or five years before her mother, her family members that had gone before her like she was having conversations with them from the bed like they were standing right there makes me emotional just thinking about it because they probably were standing there. My grandfather, my maternal grandfather the Bryce's, my grandfather's name was voice Bryce and my grandmother was Maxine Bryce. My grandfather met my grandmother when they were 12 years old. They grew up on the coast of South Carolina and the story is that my grandfather came home from school that day and he told his mom my great grandmother that day he had met the girl he was going to marry and that was my grandmother at 12 years old and they were together their whole lives and just the idea that he passed away very young in his mid 50s of cancer and then later she passed away of cancer and just the idea that he was there waiting to help her come with him that's very reassuring of what the power of love love can do you know especially when you know your husband, your partner, your wife, they're not your blood relative very the person that you've decided to be one with and the fact that he was waiting for her for his bride to join him on the other side that's that shows you the power of love and that shows you that death isn't something any of physical death because our souls never die but physical death isn't something we should fear because when it's our time to go the people that we've loved in this world will be there to help us they'll be waiting so it's not scary and then when those we love that stay behind us will be there to help them come with us to the other side so anyway I would love to hear from you guys if you've experienced that or if you've had a near death experience and saw loved ones or if you watched a loved one dying and saw them talking to a past loved one that you couldn't see but knew was there as well with them I'd love to hear those stories down in the comment section below if you care to share them and actually I have another story my dad's parents my they just recently passed away they lived my mom's parents died pretty young but my grandfather Ed Big Ed my dad's dad my paternal grandfather he died in 2017 and my paternal grandmother Mary Ann who is a lot like me she was very mystical and hid books from him on reincarnation she died last and almost a year ago in 2021 actually she died we're coming up on her her death anniversary and the interesting thing is so my grandmother had Alzheimer's and towards the end she had a really hard time remembering even who like we were especially my sister's kid like she could remember my sister and me but my sister's kid she had a hard time like like when my youngest niece May was born my sister would bring May to see my grandmother and May with my grandmother would get confused she'd be holding May and then she would like who is this baby whose baby is this so it was kind of touch and go there and she would forget that my grandfather had passed away so my grandfather and her were living in a assisted living home and the nurses would say that almost daily she would ask where where Ed was like where's where's Ed she would forget so that was heartbreaking for her to have to go through that realization that he died every single day well the day my grandmother passed away just happened to be on their wedding anniversary and nobody in the nursing home or in the assisted living home knew that that was their wedding anniversary in that morning before my grandmother passed away she kept telling the employees that she was going to see Ed today she was so excited because she was going to see Ed today and the employees thought that she just that was her dementia and then that afternoon she passed away and when they were telling my dad and his sisters what had happened they said well today is their wedding anniversary so my grandmother passed away on her wedding anniversary knowing that she was going to get to see my grandfather that day so that's just another story guys so this really is touching that a friend would understand that and help another friend facilitate those transitions I spoke with the clinic director as he had become a friend and he approved I had begun the process of rewriting their medical protocols and for all practical purposes I had essentially started working there he offered the potential of making the process easier I resonated that whatever belief system the patient held should be honored as the patient was essentially going through the death process with each coma over and over so if I could seem comfort to her honoring the deity she held sacred that might create a safe platform for her so the next morning I took a I took along the shamanic tools I had brought with me I had eagle and hawk feathers in a Tibetan battle and other simple Tibetan instruments I had stones that had spoken to me and asked to come when I willed her in that morning the doctors who had become my friends moved aside and let me join them they used one side of the hospital bed and I used the other we laid out our tools across the sheets from each other syringes tubes set the scopes on one side eagle hawk bells on the other I was deeply touched by their respect they took out syringes and bottles of medicine that would induce the coma and the vitals that would bring her back I took out the tinctures and rattle that would lay the trail of sound I hope she would follow just as I had seen Tom do many times they injected the insulin and I kissed her goodbye and held her hand while the insulin suck into her veins as it traveled through her her journey began the process had caused her deep panic the first time for as she slipped through the dimension she encountered her own underworld of monsters of her childhood I called the archangels and sang her chants and represented the deities that she revered she loved Tara and so I sang her the Tara chant over and over until she slipped until she slipped deeply into a coma with a blissful smile on her face unlike the first time when she had jerked and moaned so radically I sat by her for some time while she was gone holding her hand as I had the first time the doctors motioned to me to begin the process of injecting the vital that would bring her back having held her hand in the near death state as long as the monitored vital signs showed she could handle I picked up my feathers and instruments and called her back I sang her the Tara chant again and the other chance I knew her return was peaceful and she came back smiling without the jerking and the panic I was ecstatic she came back with remembrance that would eventually help her heal many unresolved issues that had haunted her these were early childhood abuses she had hidden from her worldly view covered with layers of acceptability after all there were people to please there were issues that were killing her issues that could easily cause cancer in my humble non AMA approved opinion I agree with her non AMA approved opinion yes it's our own issues that cause these diseases and that's our job is to heal them the process continued every day then until we left when we left the CAT scan showed a remarkable reduction of about 60% in the bone cancer but a 60% reduction that 40% was left and the clinic didn't want her to go but Pam needed a rest and so we went back home which Tom had moved back to the northwest at her request while we had been gone once back though it became very apparent that she needed to take the process further and I couldn't go to Mexico with her this time the summer was almost gone and Adriana was about to return to college and so plans were made for Pam's son to go with her instead expenses were mounting and Tom had to work she was unhappy in the Seattle she was unhappy in the Seattle area where Tom had initially moved them and so while she was gone a second time Tom moved all their belongings back where Pam wanted to be back to the beautiful waterfront house they had left behind one year before right back almost next door to me I was rethinking my life Adriana was about to go back to college I loved working in the clinic in Tijuana and they really needed me there though through my time there I had discovered a strange gift I am good with people in crisis I love the edge of life and death no wonder I had been drawn to shamanism I was really good at ushering people between dimensions I began a dialogue with the clinic about working in Tijuana full-time I would be a North American shaman at a cancer clinic in Mexico and so it was with small towns so it is with small islands word went around the island that I might work in Mexico and one morning as I dreamed about how it might be to live in Mexico Tom called so I hear you might be going to Mexico well I'm thinking about it I said so I guess that would mean you couldn't help me get my work into the world then we had all been so busy about taking care of Pam I hadn't thought about what we sit out to do a few years ago I realized that with everything going on Tom and I hadn't had any time for business conversations in almost a year his work had been put on hold and the work I was going to do for him certainly hadn't materialized I sat at my dining room table staring out to sea and I realized that this phone call really and I realized what this phone call really meant he was really asking if I was going to leave them he was asking how much I believed in his work and he was asking how much I really wanted to be with them and I remember the promise I made to Pam on the beach in Greece and I heard my mouth tell Tom I wasn't really serious about going to Mexico that was all that was said we made no more of it I never regretted the decision for one minute when we got the phone call from the clinic that Pam's hip had developed a hairline crack leaving her unable to put any weight on it at all she wanted to come home though they pressed her to state the clinic where she could continue therapy but Pam wanted to come back to the island where she could look at the water and the eagles and where ferry boats ply the great depth water of Puget Sound Tom and I went to Seattle to pick her up we hadn't seen her in a month and I remember how shocked we all were when she got off the plane she couldn't walk and she'd lost a lot of weight and incoming ferry had hit the ferry docks at okras and it was closed there was no way on or off the island with a car I located a private barge that could land without a ramp and so we brought Pam home like MacArthur returning to the Philippines the boat pulled in and lowered its head gently onto the shore and we drove off I could write a thousand pages about the next few months and I could never fully or adequately tell this story you know you go through life and you think you know someone from little experiences little intimacies here and there a cup of coffee a tear and eventually you do know them but not like we came to know each other in the next few months I had known Penn Canyon about five years then and I thought I knew her and I thought I knew the stuff of which Tom Canyon was made but the two people I thought I knew became my blood in the next few months they both ran in my veins I watched Tom give everything he had to help Pam stay alive he served her day and night he made her juices and when juices made her sick he made her grains and when grains didn't taste good he made her curd vegetables and we didn't when they didn't taste right he made her soup he searched through magazines and medical books and brought anything he could to help the living room swelled with boxes of therapies and supplements in the next few months we exchanged intimate intimacies a few people ever get the privilege to experience I learned how to bat bat someone in a wheelchair it took all of us to figure out how to dress her without putting any weight on her at all we fell over each other and learned to roll and turn the sheets as Tom and I figured out ways to move her around the bed we propped pillows for comfort and told jokes and laughed and cried and shared deep secrets and she had breakthroughs I will not share here she remembered her deepest and darkest demon the ones that she had driven so far into her bones I arrived at their house around 7 a.m. and I left midnight those months Tom handled the night shifts alone getting almost no sleep at all for the nights were when she thrashed and relived her deeply painful childhood he simply never slept slept and I watched his color turn beige and in gray we were convinced Pam would live but I wasn't so sure about him anymore we hired several caregivers to give each of us a few breaks and Pam's other close friends came in when we had workshops to teach one by one everyone she loved got to have cherished time with her remarkable people in the island came and sang to her and gave her massages and checked her vitals and did her hair a doctor friend made house calls in retrospect she lived with bone cancer for two years with no pain medication until the last weeks of her life she took nothing Tom held the pain off with sound and energy work which he diligently delivered with love and humor one morning I went over early to find her sitting with the biggest smile I'd ever seen Pam was bright and cheery and hungry something I hadn't seen in quite a while she drank a whole can of liquid food and asked for more many friends stopped by that morning and she greeted each of them with that smile that lit up the dark corners but there was there was something different this morning there was a power about her a self-affirmed self-assured presence I hadn't seen in her before she told us what she wanted and how she wanted it she didn't care what the people around her wanted this morning she knew what she wanted Tom was in California teaching and was due to return later that day and I couldn't wait until he saw this new powerful Pam I bathed her and washed her hair and we howled at the abject ridiculousness of it all her sitting in a wheelchair with me pouring water over her head and me sitting on the edge of the bathtub wetter than she was Jennifer my daughter stopped by to visit I don't remember now what Jennifer wanted to do but I disapproved and gave her my usual parent talk recommending my vision of her future which of course differed from hers when Jennifer left everyone seemed to disappear simultaneously Pam's grown kids all went into town and Pam and I were alone in the house you have to let go of your girl's duty you have to let them make their own decisions Pam said to me cocking her head to one side and narrowing her eyes at me oh I know I said but she depends on me being the mother I'm supposed to disagree with her I tried to laugh it off but I noticed the air was different in the room it had that wet appearance that I had seen in the room once before the light transfigured differently it was moist and pregnant looking Pam wasn't letting go look I'm serious you have to let go they have their own lives to lead let Jennifer go let Adriana go let them go I thought I just could jewel us through this well look who's talking I could go let her aren't you the one who hasn't let your 17 year old son out of your sight the last two weeks her eyes lay on me like clouds lifting and floating on me that was yesterday today I see things differently the very air changed density the light in the air was visible you have to drop your agendas for your daughters they have their own agendas you have to allow them their agendas she wasn't going to let this go everyone has an agenda she looked out the window towards the sparkling water even my caregivers have agendas they all want to be the one who helps me feel better or the one who takes away the pain all the healers want to be the one who heals me there's nothing wrong with that agenda but that's their agenda not mine we were at one of the major issues in Pam's life she had lived her life fulfilling someone else's agenda most of the time I think we can all agree to that my caregivers even have agendas for what I see when I look outside the window she laughed yesterday she said I was looking out the window steering at the water and my caregiver said Pam what are you looking at and I just said I'm looking at the sparkling on the water and the caregiver said Pam what do you see when you look at the sparkles on the water do you see God Pam shot me a cheesy grin and curled her lip and Pam said no I don't see God I see freedom the silence cut the air like a knife we were at some nexus point somewhere to the left of the last star and closing in on forever I knew that the next question had to be but I didn't know if I had the courage to ask it I don't think it had ever been seriously occurred to any of us that Pam might die she was healing this was just a healing crisis she only came home for her hip to mend enough to go back to the clinic to finish the treatments and everything would be fine after that but this conversation had taken on a mystical proportions sounding like last words and I didn't want to think that but if this was her last conversation and I didn't ask this question how would I live with myself do I have an agenda for you I bit my lip you used to before you went to Albuquerque what was my agenda for you you wanted me to live she smiled a crescent that would the whole room Pam is the only person I've ever met who could light up a room like that my hand trembled as I brushed a strand of hair from her forehead in a tear parked out of my eyes like corks bobbing to the surface I want to dance with you on all the great pages of the world we will she said yeah what in my mind in my heart yes in your mind and in your heart and what about Albuquerque I had just recently slipped down to Albuquerque under the direction of the Hathors to sink the shaft for the tone healing temple we were building there and it had been deeply mystical experience in which I had to have my own power to make it happen now you're willing to allow me my own agenda she said with a broad smile look she continued it doesn't matter if I live 20 minutes or 20 years it's the process that matters I felt transported to some realm I had never known before there was a palpable luminous quality between the molecules around us the air held moisture and refractal light differently than I'd ever seen before it looked wet and Pam was literally glowing give away your animals Judy find a good home for Cola bear you have to be free to go she closed her eyes after she wanted to take a nap she said she did but she was afraid she'd wake up choking on childhood memories I promised I'd stay in the room with her and she drifted to sleep I sat down and began to write down the conversation I made notes to remind the caregivers not to press their agendas on Pam in the future Pam began to breathe strangely I dropped the notebook and stood up by her I put my hand on her arm she seemed to inhale but she wouldn't exhale she just held her breath breathe Pam I said and she exhaled watching her and coaching her breathing I remember a teaching Tom had done on the three Gunas he had used the breath as an example so we'd understand the role of each Guna and again we talked about that earlier in the series I know a lot about the Gunas so I understand what she's saying here Guna I remember him saying begins in action Satva is the sustainer the point of continued inhale almost the in between breaths the place most of us live where we get too comfortable where we want to stay where we hold our breath then there's Tamas who ends in action like breathing out and breathing in no one wants to think about destruction but without destruction without letting the breath out Tom said there can be no room for creation that is that is the crux of spirituality that's why we do shadow work that's why there's pain you can't have creation without destruction I was thinking about the three Gunas listening to Pam breathing she looked absolutely radiant her skin was ablaze with an incandescent beauty and I had never seen her look so powerful even in her sleep her breathing evened out but then it began to slow and became a shallow I don't really know why I began to sing but I sang the Tara chant standing beside her holding her arm this is what death looked like it was powerful and mystical and deeply peaceful and all I knew to do was to sing to her and so I sang her songs Tara's chant for what seemed like a long time but was only a few minutes and then I thought about Tom and I wondered how to let him know wherever he was somewhere in the air nearing Seattle that this might be the end and so I shifted to a chant that I hope would call his consciousness but once that was done I shifted back to the Tara chant this was Pam's time whatever was happening I was singing her chant when she stopped breathing exactly 20 minutes after she said it didn't matter she lived 20 minutes or 20 years her process was complete she was as free as the sparkles on the water the rest of the day and the night are a blur of intruding assaults that land when death visits funerals directors police I wanted to scream about this mystical place I adjusted with Pam I wanted them to know how to read and peaceful and exquisite her death had been about how powerful she was at the end but everyone had something to do late that night exhausted and hysterical I finally went home to an empty house I sat by the window and sobbed that's all about that's about all I remember for the next few days sitting by the window in an empty house sobbing as we said with Emmy and Stephanie this is why it's important to get just some waterproof mascara when you're doing shadow work we had walked the long exhausting road to the end of her life together laughing and crying at the mysticism of death and the insulting unexpectedness of it all life the process so unvalued one day had become so precious in the end power there for the taking had been taken finally but not soon enough to save her life I felt Pam all around me I felt her in me I felt like I was Pam for days people came from every direction I didn't know what to do with myself I had known what to do every other day for months I got her up early and went over to Tom and Pan's house and helped take care of Pam I was lost and purposeless without her and there seemed to be no place for me in the new life Tom was pulled into no one needed me one morning as I said looking out the window crying Tom called hearing the tears he asked me what I was doing and I remember telling him I don't know who I am anymore I don't know what to do I used to know what to do I used to get up every morning and come over to your house but I don't know what to do now it blurted out with a breath a continuous wail of exhaustion and abject frustration at seeing at seeming hopelessness of it all yes you do he said matter of factly you go back to doing what we were doing before Pam died you helped me get my work back into the world and I remembered what I was doing before Pam got sick there was something to live for something that mattered I could write whole books about the next few months there were textbook lessons and agendas you'd be amazed at what descends on a man whose wife has just died they came from everywhere to help him I wondered where they had all been when we needed them but my voice felt rather small in those first few months especially up against all the rosses voices that all knew exactly what Tim Conyon Canyon ought to do with the rest of his life everyone had an agenda for Tom everyone knew where he ought to move where he ought to spend his time what would heal him what his grief should look like what supplements he needed who she he should be with and who she shouldn't be with specifically me I watched people circle and surround him with agendas he was so torn in his grief he couldn't see anything beyond that paralyzing pain of losing the love of your life as the parade came and went I began to plan to move back east I just lost one best friend in the way it looked I was going to lose another and I just couldn't watch that happen Tom was completely unaware of what was happening around him pulling him this way and that assaulted by so much grief he just couldn't see beyond it it was quicksand and he wasn't even able to muster the strength to try to pull himself out instead latching on to whichever branch was dangled nearby the more I began to plan my move the satter I got I had my own grief from the loss of Pam and the loss of Tom and Pam the hopelessness engulfed and overwhelmed me and I felt rather lost in all the processes happening around Tom he had just lost his wife I wasn't family I had no idea where my place was in all this twisting and so there I was at the bottom once more unsure where my next breath of air would come from some things just don't some things just bring you to your knees and if you don't believe in a bearded old god to whom do you pray I can't tell you that I got a message or that a light appeared and told me what to do I just gave up I surrendered and I went to mother metronaut had always told me that I possessed certain powers which I have done my best to completely ignore one of which is the power to call forth according to him and though I have thought this not possible I sank to my proverbial knees and asked for help that's all I asked for I asked for help almost immediately mystical events began to unfold around me as I slid toward sleep each night Isis appeared she stepped forward from a circle of ancient women all cloaked in robes with hoods so I never saw their faces interesting in the Sophia code they talk about seeing them with cloaks and hoods she took my hand and waved us through surly mist and what were I can only presume dimensions we appeared from this flight in a variety of temples in each temple we visited a group of priestesses stepped forward and took me by the hand while Isis is waited they dipped me first in one bowl of oil and then in another night after night this bathing ritual continued from temple to temple and pool to pool I always returned about dawn slowly my skin began to feel softer and I think my heart rate quickened I began to be conscious of my breathing it seemed deeper and more audible and I swear I could hear my heartbeat one night they bathed me as usual and wrapped me mummy-like in long strip fabrics then they laid me down on a huge bed with giant crystal points with dozens of different stones underneath my chakra points I remember my mind thought it ought to hurt to lie there on these crystal points perhaps it was the fabric wrapped that was that so protected me or the careful way I was positioned but I don't remember any pain this specific process occurred several nights they changed the location of the crystal points against my body and the stones from night to night some nights the rose quartz was against my back at my heart some nights a ruby pointed directly at my throat chakra for breath some nights a great blue sapphire pierced my heart from the back and then one night as I lay in bed a thick fog licked its way across the floor and a giant cobra seemed to ride along the fog somehow it didn't frighten me though I remember thinking about to be afraid it slid under the sheets and across one leg and down the under the other then looping back and under again holding me in a human moba strip then it rose high above me and spread its hood still firmly in control of my body I told no one about these new nightly visitations of Isis and friends I observed that I acted differently when Tom called I caught myself twisting the phone cord staring off into space when I talked to him once I blushed and giggled for no good reason the people telling Tom what he ought to do with his life began to bother me I got edgy around them I didn't trust them I saw their agendas and I began to worry that I might have one as well I struggled to remain his friend no matter what the price without prejudice and without personal agenda leaving the island and returning east was the only solution I could imagine for the swirling emotions washing over me I had learned to run away from the hurt if at all possible I made lots of phone calls each preparing what friends I had left for my intimate return one day I drove Tom to the ferry landing so he could take the boat to a nearby island to visit a healer we sat in my car watching for the ferry to dock it was pouring rain not the usual spotting we get out here but a real east coast downpour it added to the salminity and the air we sat staring at the ghost ferry slipping into dock shadowed by the rain and gray so thick it licked the land like a dragon's breath we sat in silence then Tom reached over and placed his hand on my heart he said I pledge you my truth I felt my heart tremble in response and I placed my hand on his heart and said I pledge you my truth it's the greatest commitment ever made it has sustained us through everything it has held us like a great chord when I think I can't possibly talk to him about something I realize I wouldn't be in truth if I don't when I want to let something slip by and not address it I realize I can't just let it go or I won't be in total truth with him moments later two old friends went to the southwest to see if we could assign to plans with a dose of sun when we returned Tom suggested I not go back to my house and so I moved my chair closer to his patio and so I moved my chair closer to his piano at his house and he wrote a song sometimes when I'm near you I feel like floating on air and it still amazes me that I do not even seem to care sometimes when I'm beside you I feel like I am falling trembling tumbling in space and it seems to happen most often whenever I see your face what is this feeling I'm feeling inside of me what is this grace coming down from above I don't know but I feel like singing with the turtle doves could it be that I'm just falling in love and I wrote a poem I long to know your taste as well as I know your song and I can't and I won't write any more of our story it is too precious too magical and too potent to put into words now we are living my childhood dreams living in prophecies I have shared with no one all these years until now once a psychic dodged traffic rushing across busy street to give me a message about my life my life's work it had to do with the sacred relationship one night in a restaurant in Washington DC I felt someone staring at me across the room I saw him write a note on a napkin out in the corner of my eye and I watched it get passed from table to table I knew it was headed for me and I knew what it was going to say the same things the words without a voice had said in the fork of a pear tree when I was five and I had given up hope some days I feel like an old old crow now an ancient woman who has seen it all and all these memories are like the pages in a detached book of life I can view them from a distance but they seem to belong to someone else I feel immune for my own life story after all it's just another story and I've heard them all by now and they're all the same and they're all different I know what it feels like to think you are finally safe and to step inside a car for a ride home from a long night of running from danger only to find yourself looking once again into the eyes of torment to have to edge to have the edge of a cold steel pressed against your neck I have listened to screaming and realized it was my own and I have slept gasping for breath in the tear of childbirth and not slept for days on and when a precious little girl needed me much more than I needed sleep and I have chosen love over and over and over again and I have fought long hard battles with the dark side over the soul of a man and lost I have left over dinner and shared my soul in my best red wine with a good friend only to be fed back betrayal in his clinic for what he wanted I have been cut with knives and words sometimes betrayal looks like your best friend sometimes it looks like your lover it wouldn't be called betrayal if you had seen it coming I have screamed in pleasure in the long nights of ecstasy and climbed the greatest peaks of the world in another's arms and those are the nights I will never regret that is the closest to God to the goddess I have been I had dreams for my children and for God they might have dreams of their own my respect and the love I hold for Jennifer and Adriana grows by the day as they teach me about strength and integrity and the child I gave away has found me in that sweet peace has found the vacancy in my heart and filled it I am truly sorry I didn't have the courage to raise her for it was only my cowardice that made me give her up she is exquisitely beautiful physically and spiritually she is Laura and I love her I have held the arm of a good friend when she died and I had her tell me what freedom looks like it looks like sparkles on the water on a sunny day like diving into shards of diamonds and becoming one of them I have loved and desired from such a place of desperation that I have allowed someone to hurt me my back shoved against the door unable to breathe or twist or contort in a direction where there wasn't a blow fist and blood tangled in a web of horror I have prayed and sweat and begged and intended and hoped and owned and hungered and believed and known and I have wanted to die to find freedom and the sparkles on the water on a sunny day more than anything and just when there was no more breath no more hope in me an angel said to me just imagine what the next one will be like if you're still alive there's hope remember where you came from remember a place where being swim and blue tinge liquid love where the most beautiful fairy princess in the whole world wears pink lady slippers and she and jack live in a pulpit happily ever after and forces can fly and so can I I stopped believing but I never stopped knowing and just whenever one went around me had died and there are so many ways to die with death of another hunger in the far corner salivating for more my best friend put his hand on my heart and said I pledge you my truth and I pledge to mine and truth is beauty as all great poets know there is no happily ever after in a world where beings don't yet swim and liquid love but there's work to be done and I have found the most dynamic and quickest way to God realization just where I thought it was I have found my goddess the mother of all time and space she is returning in this the beginning of this ending of time and if you really hear these words well that is enough a few years ago I was sitting in the back of a workshop running the video camera tom asked everyone to find a partner and tell the partner his or her life story at five minutes no crosstalk whatever came out in five minutes is your life story I didn't have a partner so I shut the camera often set down as far away from everyone as I could get I didn't want anyone to think I was listening to their private story I tried to hide in the wall actually I felt so obvious and so alone back there but no matter how far I backed away I could still hear the stories being told around me so I turned and buried my head into my hands so I could possibly hear but the stories around me got even louder I looked up to see how this was possible there was no logical way this could be happening then I began to hear the stories at the far end of the room just as clearly as those near me and again I tried to bury my hand deeper into my lap I heard every story in that room my father wouldn't let anyone pick me up so I lay there for months and months they fed me and changed me and put me back but no one was allowed to hold me when I was three I got sick the doctor came in order then take me to the hospital I almost died then she hit me and kept hitting me he held me down and I could feel him over and over and he smelled bad God he was my father and she died when I was six and no one really loved me since I lost my father and he was the only one who ever really loved me and I felt so alone since my family lost everything in the fire and we just had the awful cans of food they give you at the food bakes when my dog died my life ended I still miss my mother I made millions but I wasn't happy I was so hungry and cold I always thought I came here to do something but I don't know what it is and he left me for her and she left me for him I pressed my middle finger deep into my ears I was afraid everyone I knew could hear their stories and in the sound waves of the cosmos parted there was a swoosh like air moving through a huge seashell like waves pounding the shore it seemed to open a portal of sound and I heard it all I mean I heard everyone in the room and I heard the literacy of every story from the beginning of time they spiraled out of an invisible tunnel around me birth love birth love hope betrayal mistrust anger pity judgments lost anger laughter tears sweat hard work millions of story bubbles burst inside me I heard it all it's all the same we all have the same story the details are different but it's all the same story in a strange way we are not just one great being connected divinely at a universal level we all have a chapter in the same story my heart burst and engulfed everyone in that room everyone from the beginning of time as we know it underneath it all I'm still the little girl who believes in love the one who knew that the secrets of the universe lay in the love that can unfold between two people and I'm the same little girl who knew that you can go further along in the search for God business if you draw to a partner a mate and if you evenly stay in a complete truth day in and out in the bedroom in the bathroom and in the kitchen and I'm the same little girl who always believed that if you don't have a partner you just need to stay in complete and even truth with yourself it doesn't matter if I live 20 years or 20 minutes it's the day-to-day process that matters what are you doing with your time it may be all you have this minute this day would you rather lie in bed with someone you love for 10 minutes or get up early and jog do you smile on the way out the door or just turn your back and walk away who is your god is it a fearsome jealous thing that calls you a sinner darling that's not god that's the patriarchy talking it's either a religion or a government or an unevolved alien it's the voice of enslavement we have been held by such insidious ensrapments for eons through the great ostracism and derision through the conjoined efforts of ignorance around us through lies my story doesn't contain any hard truths it doesn't contain alchemical processes that have stirred and carefully followed will produce the love of your light or enlightenment and I don't care how sophisticated we all appear to be I know what we all really want in our heart of hearts someone to love us someone who will let us love them it's our potential time as you know it is running out and I have received permission from the goddess herself indeed I have been asked by the goddess herself to reveal to you some of the most closely guarded secrets of all times they are revealed to you in hopes that you will elevate yourself in time and so it is that I reveal one who lost secrets of the ages that spirit the male principle in order to return to itself through its journey into matter requires the assistance of the female principle the intelligence of matter itself but from the solar light filled perspective of this masculine principle the feminine principle carries within her a dark moist and dangerous of this the solar principle feels threatened by the darkness of the winter aspect but it is the joining of the sun and moon the joining of the masculine and feminine principles and equilibrium and energetic balance that true illumination is attained Mary Magdalene one night very early on as we had just begun to ever so gently unfold our new love right in the midst of other people's agendas Tom and I stood at the precipice we stood alongside a sea walled on another island it had been a rough day and the sea monsters were after Tom all the sirens had turned up their volume and I couldn't hear the pounding waves for their cacophony they pulled at him luring him into the sea out way over his head and he was blinded by the light just because something appears to look like light doesn't mean it is light I have learned that lesson the hard way and he walked away from me he just walked away with palm trees swaying gently in the night air he left me there standing alone in the middle of the dark night and looked around and there were campfires burning all around with men huddled drinking and partying I didn't want to admit I was afraid to walk home across the darkness alone in my pride stung fiercely I had been left along a sea walled on a strange island by someone who was numbed by a spider's bite and couldn't tell the light from the dark in that moment I'm fine I will not ask for help I don't need anyone I know how to be alone I have rather perfected that and I love being alone I do it well I don't know how to do relationships perfectly that's the one I have to learn and so I swallowed hard and I called him back and he hadn't walked so far that he could hear me and he chose to come back it took both those steps I chose to call him back and he chose to come and every moment in every circumstance the simplest to the most sublime it's all just choices in the coming years I suspect we will face choices the likeness of which have never been posed to humanity choose freedom choose love if there's any way you can bring total complete and even truth into your life at all levels please do it the truth really will set you free and there is nothing without freedom and to my beloved I adore you may it bring tears to anyone's eyes as Magdalene's love for Yashua did to me to read how it is that I love you for your willingness to cross the moist dark dangerous abyss to live in the portal of the feminine in the holy grail with me your integrity and your honor shine above all and your song will echo in the halls forever thank you for allowing me to be both the initiate and the woman in love to me you will always be the little boy in the back of the bus whose face I never forgot the one I knew I would grow up to play guitar and sing songs the one I knew was my soulmate you sing my heart yours is the voice of god