 Sixודididididididididididudehnamamamamam NA The Jack Benney program presented by Lucky Strike. Feeling low, feeling tense. These eight words are common sense. Smart level best, that's just how you'll feel when you light up a Lucky because Lucky's fine debacle picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense, you on the right level to feel and do your level best. It's important to know that fine tobacco can do this for you. And LSMFT, LSMFT. Lucky strike means fine tobacco, mild, ripe, light tobacco that makes a grand smoke. So next time you buy cigarettes, remember, lucky's fine tobacco, pick you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the lucky level where you feel your best and do your best. Yes, smoke a lucky to feel your level best. It's Rochester, Dennis Day. Yours truly, Don Wilson. And our guest, Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills, where we find Rochester helping Jack fix up his scrapbook. Now, Rochester, you got the scissors? Yeah, I'm cutting something out of the front page of the Pasadena News. It's a picture of you getting the Queen of the Rose Berets. Oh, yes. Gee, that is a nice picture of me, isn't it? And some color, too. It would be even nicer if your eyelashes weren't so pretty. My lashes aren't gray. Just that my eyes are so blue, they pick up lint. Now, Rochester, I've got enough clippings for my scrapbook. I better start pasting it, man. Boss, I looked everywhere, but I can't find the glue. Well, just make some flour and water. That'll make it good. I thought of that, too, but we're all out of flour. We're out of flour? Yeah, yesterday I had hardly enough to finish baking the bread. Well, if we're short of flour, why'd you bake so much bread? I had two barbers, now we've got four extra loaves. The reason's yet. Well, why don't you run over to the Coleman's and borrow a cup of, hey, wait a minute. I haven't seen Mr. Coleman for quite a while. Hand me a cup. I'll go get the flour. Here you are. Back, Rochester. Yeah, da-dee-da-doom, da-dee-da-dee. Bum-bum, hmm. As long as I'm going over, I really should have brought a larger cup. Oh, well, I guess this cup will be all right. Can it be the trees that fill the breeze with rain? A lot of people out today. La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Thank you. Yeah, da-dee-da-doom, da-dee-da-doom, da-dee-da-doom. Gee, the Coleman's keep their lawn nice and, oh, isn't that cute. A garbage can shape like a knob. You just lift up the head and throw the stuff in. When I make my next picture, maybe they'll give me a garbage can. I mean, an Oscar. Oh, it's you, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, sir. Is Mr. Coleman in? Yes, yes, he's in the library. Well, could you tell him that I'd like to borrow a cup of flour? Oh, there's no need to tell him. I'll give you the flour. Oh, shall I? That won't be necessary. I'll sift it to you through the screen door. I have the sack right here on the shelf. What is that? Oh, by the way, Sherwood, I tried to call Mr. Coleman on the phone this morning, but I couldn't get him. Did he change his number since I talked to him last week? Yes, sir, three times. Oh, well, I hope he got the one he likes. Will this be enough flour, Mr. Benny? Yes, yes. I'm just going to use it to make a little paste. You see, I'm working on my scrapbook, and I'm sticking in the many things that have been said about me. You save those? Yes, yes. Well, thanks for the shower, Flurwood. I mean, thanks for the flour, Sherwood. You're quite welcome, sir. This weather, my tongue froze there. Well, I must ask the Coleman to put a gate in the back so I won't have to clear out to the sidewalk. Yeah, da-dee-da-da-da-da-dee. There's Ronnie's long underwear hanging on the line. He's got a gate in those. Da-dee-da-da-da-da-da-da-dee. Oh, Jack! Jack! Oh, hello, Mary. Hey, come on in the house, Mary. I haven't got time. I just stopped by to ask if I could skip rehearsal tomorrow. Skip rehearsal? Why? Well, my sister, Babe, is coming in from playing field, and she's trying to forget a broken romance. Oh, no. Not Sebastian. No. No, a new one. Oh. And she was so in love with him, they were already into a lope. The ladder was up against the house, the window was open, and Babe was so embarrassed. Why? He wasn't home. Yeah, it's a shame. What did she do? Well, as long as she was up there, she painted the house. Well, when a guy gives you the brush, I guess she must need it. Who was that, uh, Mary? You know, you got to have to live once in a while. Mary, who was this new love of hers? Well, I don't know his name, but she said he was making good money. He was a glass blower. A glass blower? Yeah. Whenever Babe went out with a mama could always tell when he'd kissed her. How? When Babe came home, her head would be three times its size. Three times its size? That was when he gave her a plane kiss. Once he got fancy, in her head looked like a stu-da baker. Good old Babe, I knew she could do it. Say, Mary, why don't you come in for a little while? Oh, no, no, Jack, I've got her on long now. See you later. OK. Da-da-dee-da-da-da. Yes, a nice Cadillac Mary has. I would have gotten one too, but they didn't make them then. In those days, they only had three models, Maxwell, Saxons, and horses. Oh, Rochester. Rochester, I got the flowers so we can make the apace. You all need it now, boys. I found some glue. I've already pasted things in the book. Wait a minute. This stuff doesn't seem to be sticking very well. Rochester, is this glue fresh? Fresh, only two days ago, it was eight to one at Santa Anita. What? I had him across the board, win place in Musilich. No. Well, how do you like that? I'll get the door. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny, I just came over to tell you the good news. Good news? What? I finally got two tickets for the Rose Bowl game. Dennis, that game was played almost three weeks ago. I know. That's why they're so hard to get now. Dennis, Dennis, come in a minute. Now, let me get this straight. Maybe I'm the one that's confused. Are these tickets for the game that was just played or the one that's going to be played next year? What do you care? I'm not taking you. Dennis, I can't stand this crazy talk. Now, do me a favor. Will you go outside and come back in again? OK. Oh, hello. Howdy, bub. Well, that's better. Now, you're tight as moody. Yep, and I've got two tickets to the Rose Bowl game. Now, cut that out! Look, kid, what did you come over here for anyway? Well, I wanted you to hear the song I'm going to do on the program. Well, why didn't you say so? Let's hear it, will you? OK, OK. Clancy was a peaceful man, if you know what I mean. The cops picked up the pieces after Clancy left the scene. He never looked for trouble, that's a fact you can assume. But nevertheless, when trouble would press, Clancy lowered the boom. Oh, there Clancy, oh, there Clancy. Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, here he was, a fighting man, they all knew he was tough. He strutted round the neighborhood, just shooting off his gun. He picked a fight with Clancy, then and there, he sealed his doom. Before you could shout, oh, there is Clancy. Before you could shout, oh, there he looked out. Clancy lowered the boom. Oh, there Clancy. Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Now Clancy left the barbershop with Tonic on his hair. He walked into the poor room and he met O'Reilly there. O'Reilly said, for goodness sakes, now do I smell perfume? Before you could stack your chew in the rack, Clancy lowered the boom. Oh, there Clancy. Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. The neighbors all turned out for Kato Grady's wedding night. McDougal said, let's have some fun. I think I'll start a fight. Direct the hall, then kiss the bride and pulverize the groom. Then quick as a wink before you could think, Clancy lowered the boom. Whenever they got his Irish up, Clancy lowered the boom. Clancy lowered the boom. What was the greatest sight you ever did see when Clancy lowered the boom? Very good, Dennis. You're saying that beautifully. Yeah, I heard it. One bad kid. Phil, I didn't see you. Why didn't you tell me you were here? Well, I didn't want to intrude while you were so enraptured by Mr. Day's musical rendition. Phil, Phil, that come out of you? Why? What's so incongruous about that? Incongruous? Listen to me, Jackson. It's often literature and English and even in music. Music, too? Well, that I'm glad to hear. Certainly, Jackson. I just came from the library where I picked up this book on music by Grofay. Oh, Purdy Grofay? No, he's brother George. George Grofay? I never heard of him. Well, here's the book right here. I've been reading it all morning. There it is on the cover, George Grofay. That's geography. I'll learn about... Dennis, get away from my scrapbook. Dennis, stop drinking out of that bottle. It's glue. Dennis, it's glue. Oh, my goodness. Dennis, speak to me. You better stop it, kid. If you want to get any place in show business, you've got to stop being ridiculous, ludicrous, incompetent, and uncool. Phil, where'd you learn all those words? Well, they're in my contract with Rexall. What? Right under the sobriety clause. Phil, do you know what sobriety means? No, what? It means that according to that contract, you're not allowed to take a drink. Holy smoke, I've signed my life away. Phil, Phil, denatured boy. Do me a favor, pick up Dennis in that geography book, and let's... Well, I have a wonderful contract with my sponsor, Colgate. I don't have to sign anything. We just shake hands. Really? Yeah, but I think he's nearsighted. Your sponsor nearsighted? Why? When my option came up, instead of shaking my hand, he grabbed me by the throat. Well, if you gave him that Rose Bowl routine, I don't blame him. Now, look, kid... Boys, boys! What is it, Rochester? I was preparing your lunch, and I found we're all out of butter. We're all out of butter? Well, you know what to do. I'm on my way. Mr. Coleman, here I come. You're the one we borrowed from. In the library, Benita, who was that at the back door? Mr. Benny's Butler, Manchester. Milk? No. Sugar? No. Glorious Weeks in Honolulu. Yes, Benita, I'm getting sharp. Yeah, but you know, let's not talk about it, Benny. It only upsets me. Borrowing, borrowing, borrowing. What a neighbour. Well, darling, sometimes he tries to be helpful. During the freezing weather the other night, when you were worried about our orange trees, Jack did come over and lend you a smudge pot. Yeah, some smudge pot. Three old toupees smouldering in a broken pressure cooker. What about the snow? Tuesday morning he volunteered to shovel all the snow away from our house, and he did it too. You know, that was shrewd of me telling him I dropped a dime on our front lawn. Cricked him into doing all that work. Yes, Benita, I must confess, even though it makes me a bit of a stinker, I did. There's little things like that that make life worth living. For once I got even with him for his constant borrowing. Now, Ronald, you shouldn't be too hard on Jack. After all, it isn't his fault that he's like he is. It's just fate. What do you mean? Well, you know the famous saying, there but for the grace of God, go I. Yes, but what's that got to do with it? Well, people can't help being who they are. It's fate. You could have been born Jack Benny. And he could have been Ronald Coleman. Benita, have you been nipping the sherry again? No, King. Now, you know, it's something to think about. Well, I'm too tired to think about it now. We're going out to dinner tonight. I'm going to take a little nap. I'll lie down here on the... Oh! Only I should have told you he borrowed the couch too. Darling, darling, if you want to take your nap, why don't you just sit here in this easy chair? Well... You'd better hurry while it's still here. All right. I will. I'll turn out the lights and light. I'll turn out the lights and leave you alone. Thank you. Have a nice nap, dear. Sometimes Benita has the weirdest ideas. Imagine her saying it's just fate that I could have been born Jack Benny. Whoa, what a nauseating thought. This is a comfortable chair. I feel so good to close my eyes. Yes, Ronnie, you could have been born Jack Benny. You could have been Jack Benny. You could be Jack Benny. You could be Jack Benny. You could be Jack Benny. Is it Rochester? Today's... Today's payday. Some of your cast is waiting... I might as well go in. Help me on with my shoes, Rochester. Why? You'll just have to take them off again when you pay them. Yeah, I guess you're right. You know, Rochester, I'm a pretty lucky man. My cast has been wonderful to me. They're always on time. They work hard, they try their best, and always give great performances. I wish there was something I could do to show my gratitude. Why don't you give them a raise? I will not. Magic perfume. Oh, I understand you're all here for your salaries. Here's yours, Mary. Well, thanks, Jack. Don? Thanks, Jack. Dennis? Whoops, dropped it. The latest news about Don. He's got another show now. Well, congratulations, Don. What program is it? Well, it's the Alan Young show, Jack. Alan Young, eh? He's a clever comedian. How does it feel having two shows? Oh, wonderful, and the nice thing about it is that one of my bosses is young. Blimp belly. Any more cracks like that? Ouch, Dennis, why are you biting my leg? You're standing on my salary. Well, since you're all here, I want to invite you to my birthday party on February the 14th. Say that's right, Jack. Next month is your birthday. Yep, time sure flies. One more month and I won't be 39 any more. 39? Where were you born on a slow boat to China? A slow boat to China, slow boat to China, slow boat to China. Better watch it, sister, or you'll be on a fast bus to the make-up. My mother. Really? And what does the command decision of your father's life have to say? Oh, nothing much, except that the Dennis Hell convention in Plainfield when my sister Babe was voted Miss Lower Plate Wobble of 1949. Good old Babe, I knew she could do it. Oh, by the way, Jack, what are you planning to do on the program next week? Well, I want to do a Shakespearean sketch, and I'm going to try and get Ronald Coleman as a guest star. I've even offered him a hundred dollars. A hundred dollars? Why, you can't get Ronald Coleman to do Shakespeare for that? Done. He's such a big ham, he'll jump at the chance. Well, have you finished the script for Mr. Coleman yet? Yes, Mary, I have it right here. Listen to this wonderful Shakespearean soliloquy I'm going to have Ronnie do. To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to enjoy a lucky end so to feel thy level best, or to smoke, to puff, a chance to blow a smoke ring. Aye, there's the thrill. Come, let me light thee. Art thou not round and firm and fully bent? Art thou not first again with friends, Romans, Countrymen? Art thou not a noble creation? Your praise is tripping lightly from the nimble tongue of speedy regs. Aye, Horatio, the tobacco's the thing that makes a lucky fitting for a king. And Jack Benny could have been born Ronald Coleman. Jack could have been Ronald Coleman. I'm in the library, Benita. Doing Ronnie? I'm looking at the list of nominees for the Academy Awards. My name is Nonnet. But, darling, you didn't make a picture this year. How can you expect to win anything? I thought they might give me some sort of an award for living next to Benny. Get how I despise that blue-eyed babble. Oh, darling, don't pick on his appearance. Why not, after all, Benny's eyes aren't really blue. I happen to know that he dies them. I forget him, dear. Remember what happens to your blood pressure when you think of Benny? I can't help thinking of that jerk, always borrowing. Eggs, milk, cream, butter. Doesn't he have anything of his own? What does he keep in his icebox? A film of the hornblows at midnight. Oh, yes, if I ever made a picture like that, I'd ask Clancy to lower the boom. Oh, Ronnie, forget Jack, and let's talk about something else. I haven't told you before, but I'm planning a hunting trip for us up in the High Sierras. In the High Sierras? Or are we gonna hunt bear? No, we'll be wearing your long underwear. You're a jolly one. It's not funny, Benita. Anyway, I don't want to go hunting. I want to go to the races at San Anita. Anita? Come here, darling. Oh, don't, dear. Don't. You're tickling me. Oh, stop being so dignified. It's only us. You know, darling, I'm a lucky man, having such a beautiful wife. Come here, Benita. Let me kiss you. Oh, Ronnie, that was wonderful. Kiss me again. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. Oh, it's you, Benita. Yes, I've been calling you for five minutes. Oh, well, where did he go? Where did Benny go? Benny, Jack wasn't here. Oh, he wasn't, eh? Now, Benita, I distinctly saw you kiss him. Me? Kiss? Jack? Benny? Have you gone out of... Oh, wait a minute. You must have dreamed it. Yes, I guess I did. Well, that settles it. We'll have to move. Move? Benita, I don't mind Benny borrowing everything I've got. And I don't mind Benny ruining my life. But when he starts to last up my dreams, that's too much, my girl! Too much! Ladies and gentlemen, the nation's fight against infantile paralysis continues relentlessly. But your contributions must keep rolling in to continue this fight. A covered wagon has just been sent across the country with Jack Benny's vault in it to collect your dimes and dollars to aid in this worthy cause. Obviously, the wagon can only visit a limited number of cities, so please send your dimes and dollars to Jack Benny in care of your local CBS station or direct to the March of Dimes. Let's all join in the fight against polio by contributing to the March of Dimes. Thank you. Jack, we'll be back in just a moment. But first... Smoke a lucky To feed your love won't pass Smoke... To feed your love... As luckies find tobacco, picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. It's good to know that find tobacco can do this for you. And that's why it's so important that you select and smoke the cigarette of find tobacco lucky strike. For as every smoker knows... L-S-M-F-T... L-S-M-F-T... Lucky strike means find tobacco. No wonder more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen smoke lucky strike regularly than the next two leading brands combine. So when you choose your cigarette, remember that luckies find tobacco puts you on the right level, where you feel your best and do your best. Yes, when you are feeling low, feeling tense, these eight words are common sense. Smoke... To feed your love won't pass. Smoke... Thanks, Ronny and Bonita, and good night, everybody. Be sure to stay tuned to the Amos and Ady-Charles Follows immediately, and the rest of the CBS Sunday Night Line Up, which includes Armist, Brooks, Sam Spade, and Lemon Avenue. And don't forget, through Friday, the Lucky Strike Program, your lucky strike starring Don Amici. And don't miss Dennis Day in a day in the life of Dennis Day. This is CBS The Columbia Broadcasting System.