 Love. That delicious and coveted spice. It's the source for countless magazines, books, podcasts and blog posts all about how to fall in love. There are a few ways or styles to go about obtaining love. Mainly, there's the healthy way. Then, there are five other ways that are considered not so healthy, as defined by Dr. Milan and K. Yerkovich in their book How We Love. These five love styles can stunt a person's growth and may even harm their relationships. So today, we will examine the five love styles in detail and discuss how we can improve or even change the way we love. Because after all, who doesn't want to love better? Number one, the pleaser. The pleaser love style pleases everyone at their own expense. To the pleaser, everything is sure, I'll do that, and of course, I agree with you. They have no boundaries. They devalue themselves to the point where it almost encourages others to treat them poorly. And even though they are constantly exhausted and frustrated, they cannot seem to stop because they feel that this is the only way for them to be loved. As a child, pleases may have been conditioned to expect disproportionately negative punishments if they didn't please their parents. The child learned that their best way to get affection was to say, I have to serve everyone else. To become better lovers, pleases need to set boundaries and value themselves as equally important and worthy as anyone else. This will lead to them being able to say no and also learning how to communicate their own needs to others. Number two, the victim. Children who are abused are considered victims. They don't have the means to effectively protect themselves from angry or violent parents who are supposed to be the ones protecting them. They may find protection from angry outbursts by taking on the victim role, learning that this too gone is sympathy or a little kindness from others. As an adult, this style and belief in their victimhood manifests as I'm unhappy and powerless to effect change one way or the other. Poor me, why isn't anyone rescuing me? The victim love style places the focus on themselves. Why me? Why isn't anyone helping me? Why am I suffering? Overcoming the victim mentality requires self-awareness and acknowledging that it is the individual's responsibility to provide for themselves and not place the blame on everyone else. Sounds like tough work, right? But hey, you gotta admit knowing that you have the power to change your own life is pretty empowering. Number three, the vacillator. Vacillators ride on the premise of maybe. It's an inconsistent swing back and forth between pulling close, intimately, and pushing away abruptly. This style is cultivated from a neglectful environment where the child feels unseen, unheard and unimportant. This same cycle repeats in adulthood. They may fear that relationships may not last or that they are not even able to make meaningful connections. This lack of assurance can result in a constant swaying between intimacy and distance. Even if the vacillator does find a meaningful connection, they find that nothing lives up to their ideal relationship. This causes them to nitpick at their partner's imperfections while clinging onto them in fear of abandonment. The antidote to the vacillator is to take ownership. Learn how to say, my childhood was neglectful, but my partner was not part of that. Acknowledge that you sway between intimacy and distance because you're afraid. Communicate clearly with your loved ones about this behavior. This can help the vacillator stop jumping to conclusions when trying to make meaningful connections. Number four, the controller. An overly controlling individual could have grown up in a home where they had little to no control. For instance, a person with very strict parents could have felt that they had no control growing up. The child, now an adult, is determined to never again feel that they have no control in their life. So when there's a perceived loss of control, controllers tend to react with anger or feed their illusion of control through manipulation. However, this doesn't always end well for them. Sometimes they grip too tight on their relationships until their loved ones grow tired of being manipulated and leave the controller. The controller's key to adjusting or changing their habits is to challenge their fear, practice acceptance and flexibility and even try using helpful mantras. Acknowledging that the old way of anger and lashing out did not work and thinking of other methods and responses requires flexibility and self-awareness. However, we should also acknowledge that we are not perfect and that we cannot control other people. If you can accept that, then you can also accept that you have what it takes to overcome the frustration of not being in control and walk toward a healthy relationship with others. This is where using mantras can help, making use of a goal-oriented mantra can help keep them in focus as you wrestle with untangling your previously set way of thinking and breaking unhealthy cycles. Number 5 The Avoider This is what happens when a child is not only neglected but also completely deprived of love and affection. All emotions and hurt that the child expresses are treated with a shove to be independent and to deal with it alone. As an adult, they tend to avoid feelings and interactions with others. Since they were forced to go at it alone from childhood, they don't trust emotions or other people. Their avoidance is for their protection. The fix, again, comes with self-awareness and an objective view. For example, if someone is actively and consistently finding excuses to dodge interaction with others, chances are that they are displaying the traits of an avoider. Self-awareness will help you observe whether their behaviour is truly an attempt to avoid it or just a coincidence. If you have a tendency to constantly avoid uncomfortable interactions, don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect and change takes time and patience. If you suspect that your partner is an avoider, ask yourself how much you're willing to put up with it and what can be done about the roots of the behaviour. In some cases, an objective outside perspective can do wonders. Try speaking to a counsellor, psychologist or therapist. Mental health professionals can provide you with insights that can help you walk toward change more quickly. Rewiring your thinking and changing your habits can be difficult. So it's advisable to reach out to a professional to make sure the approach and effort are suitable for what you need and want. If you are choosing to tackle the mission to change, that decision to do so is probably one of the most difficult ones you'll have to make. So go for it. We know that all the effort will be worth it. Do you recognise any of these traits in yourself or others? What are your thoughts? Feel free to comment and discuss below. See you soon.