 Listen to the danceable rhythms of Freddie Ritchie and his orchestra, the sweet and swingy songs of Connie Haynes, and that very familiar rolly-poly figure who's sweet mellow voice. Blisters. Los Angeles Railroad Station, back home again. Those zestful zanies and screwy stars. Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Welcome, Costello. Welcome home. Boys, good to see you. How was your train trip? Oh, Abbott, what a trip. I was seasick all the way from Chicago. Seasick? How could you be seasick on a train? Oh, I was sitting between two waves. Well, everybody's glad to see you back, Costello. Hey, look at those five beautiful girls over there waving their handkerchiefs at you. Oh, they're waving their handkerchiefs at me? Yeah. That's the first clean laundry I've seen in two weeks. You thought I lost my place. Allow me to officially welcome you back to Hollywood. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Who are you, the mayor? No, just another bum. Oh, it's nice to be home among your friends. Yes, yes, yes. Say, tell me, Costello, how did you enjoy your visit up to your Uncle Marty's farm? Oh, it was great, Abbott. I spent the whole summer taking care of the pigs. Those little pigs loved me like a little brother. Well, I could understand that. Gee, Abbott, those little pigs were cute. But the big pig was afraid of them. The big pig was afraid of the little pigs? Yeah, the little pigs used to chase the big pig all around the pan. No. And then he fell down. Yes. And then the little pigs would jump on the big pig and shoot all the buttons off his vest. What about the crops? Did you have anything to do with the crops? They're nice. No, no, no. I mean, did you help with the planting? Did you sow the seed? Did I what? I said, did you sow the seed? I didn't even know it was ripped. No. Wait a minute. When I say so, I don't mean sow S-E-W. I mean sow S-O-W. So. For what? S-E-W. You see, you've got the sow the seed before you reap it. You sow it first and reap it later. Now what kind of talk is that? I used to reap my seed first and my mother would sow it later. Costella, when I say reap, I don't mean reap like rip when you rip. I mean reap like you reap when you sow. Say reap like you reap when you rip. You don't mean rip like you rip when you reap. What do you mean? Look, I'll try to explain. I'll try to explain what sow the seed means. Suppose you were planting tomatoes. To what? Tomatoes. To what? Tomatoes. And them today. All right, all right, all right. So you're planting tomatoes today. Now when they grow up, what do you do with them? I eat them. Oh. Wait a minute. You can't eat all of them. Why not? They're my tomatoes. I'm going to eat them. Wait a minute. You can't eat all those tomatoes alone. Well, I don't eat them alone. Oh, that's better. I put some pepper on them. Look, you dummy. You've got a whole feed of tomatoes. You can't possibly eat them all. So you eat what you can and what you can't eat, you can. Sure. I mean, any... Certainly. Only this time, spread what you're saying. All right, all right, now look. Make it good because we've got stiff competition. All right, all right, all right, all right. Look, look. You've got all those tomatoes. Now you eat what you can and what you can't eat. You can. I can what? What you can. I can what I can. That's right. Look, I'm willing to forget the whole thing, whatever. Now you don't. I'm trying to tell you that you don't eat... Let's go back to Soda Reap. Now listen. Wait a minute. Now we're not going back. We'll stick to the tomatoes. I'm just trying to tell you that you can't eat all the tomatoes. You can only eat what you can and what you can't eat you can't. You know what? There's only one way to settle the whole thing. How is that? We'll throw away all the tomatoes and eat the can. Just tell her you're impossible. But let's forget about it. Come on, let's... Hey, wait a minute. By the way, did you make any money on the farm? Yeah, I'm... Here's my paycheck. 75 dollars. Hey, that's fine. Just give me the check and I'll sign your name on the back and deposit the check in my bank. Oh, you can't do that. That's against the law. You can't... You can't send... Sign my name on a check. That's fraud. You... You... Yeah, no... No, no, you mean... No, no, no, you mean... You mean forgery. Forge. Forge. Oh, forge. Yes. Oh-ho! That's what me and my girl made last night. You made forge? You made forge? We made forge last night. What are you talking about? We made truck... Talk sense. ...with walnuts. Look, all right, look. Listen, Mo. I have a perfect right to sign your check. Now, as your partner, remember, I have power of attorney. Well, remind me to have the power shut off. Give me that check, and I'll cash it and take my share. I wouldn't do that if I were you, Abbott. Why not? Because if you take my money, you're going to wind up in a can. And when you're in a can, you can't eat, and you can't tan. Not even what you can, why are you in a can? I welcome home to Abbott and Costello, and for your listening pleasure, Freddie Ritch and his orchestra play the nation's favorite tune, I'll Walk Alone. You've got $75 you made on the farm. We're going to find out what people are going to buy when the war is over. Yeah. Now, invest your money in the thing that everybody wants the most. How can you invest money in neck and... Oh, come on, look, we'll make a house to house canvas. Canvas? Yes. You mean we're going to make tents for people to live in? Of course not. People don't live in tents. How about the people on Tent Street? No, no. Never mind. Hey, we'll start with this big house right here. Now ring the bell and ask them what they want to buy most when the war is over. But Abbott, look, there's a sign on the door. What does it say? It's a swing-shift welder. Day sleeper. Do not disturb. It means you. Police. I wouldn't mind it, but he's got police all underlined. Oh, come, come, come. Pay no attention to the sign. Go ahead and ring the bell. I know, but I... I... ring the bell. Okay. Well, no answer. He ain't home. Let's go. Come here. Come here. Come here. Go ahead and ring that bell. Go on. Okay, okay. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Can't you read that sign? Why, you fathead? I got a good notion of break every bone in your body. Just a minute. Just a minute, brother. I dare you to strike my little friend. Yeah, you heard him. Yeah. I dare you to strike his. Come on. Pick yourself up, you powered. Hey, wait a minute. Look, there's a kindly-looking woman going to the house next door. Go ahead. Now speak to her. How do you do, madam? Well, come in, Mr. Costello. You cute little snuggle bug. I've always been one of your greatest admirers. A young girl. But I wasn't on a screen when you were a young girl. They used magic lanterns. No, no. No, no, no, no. Quiet. Magic lanterns. All right. All right. Quiet, please. What do you know? All right. Quiet, Costello. Lady, we just like to find out what you are going to do when the war is over. What? Ask you one question. The answer is yes. Abbott, let's go back to the welder's house. That's the first time I ever slammed the door in my own face. And listen, Abbott, I ain't knocking on any more doors. No, no. Don't be silly. Look, Costello, we still don't know what to invest your money in. Let us try one more house. Come on. Hey, look, Costello, it's our old friend Kitzel. My friend Costello here is looking for a good place to invest his money for post-war security. Now you're talking my language, if that's possible. For $100, I'll take you in my clothing business as a senior partner. But I've only got $75. Coming, Junior. Just a minute, Mr. Kitzel. First, we've got to know what kind of clothes you made. Well, now, right here over my arm, I got a coat that I just now finished for Fiber McGee. And you know something with this suit? I'm giving you three of charge, three pails of suspenders. I don't wear suspenders. Well, how do you keep up your pails? My stomach establishes a beach head, and the rear guard holds it. Oh, come on, Costello. We're wasting time. Just a second now, boy. You haven't seen all my stock yet. Why I got your toothpicks, candlesticks, and all kinds of knock-knicks, freezers, freezers, and powder for your beezers, door knobs, corn cups, and rubber plugs for best pops? I'm po-po to you. Lovely Connie Haynes, the singer of the season's most popular tunes, Swing On A Star. Would you like to swing on a star? Carry moon, beam poem, and a jar. Suffer anything you hear. The back is broken, just plain stupid with a stubborn streak. And by the way, if you hate to go to school, Remi Rude, but if you don't care, a feather or a fig. The orchestra played your own current's lovely hit song, Long ago and far away. Settle down and go to sleep. What's the matter with you? I don't know, whatever. I can't sleep, Abbott. I'm worried about how to invest my money. Oh, that's ridiculous. Just look at you. You're learning this. Get on your nerves. Your eyes are all bloodshot. Oh, they are? Give me the mirror. Hey, what do you mean, Abbott? My eyes ain't all bloodshot. They're not? No, only the whites. Listen to me, Castello. There's only one way to settle this. Tomorrow morning, we're going down to the bank and invest your $75 in war bonds. I got enough war bonds now. You can't have enough bonds, Castello. Bonds mean security for you and your family. Just think, you put $75 in a bond now, and in 10 years, it's worth $100. Abbott, I think you got something. Sure. I'm gonna go right down and fight bonds with the dope. That's the way to talk. And now you can go back to sleep with tranquility. Go back to sleep with tranquility? Yes. What's the matter? You want to sleep with me anymore? No. Oh, boy, oh, boy. How about those guys? I'll have a lot of money in 1954. Ladies and gentlemen, we take you into the future. The time is 10 years hence, the year 1954. The scene is the futuristic, prefabricated air-conditioned home of Luke Astell. The mother speaks. If you'd be darling, tune in on the television set. Your father and your Uncle Bud are on the air tonight. Ah, scopes again! That's no way to talk about your Uncle Bud. Now, go ahead and turn on the program. Good evening, folks. This is Ken Niles bringing you the 197,000 broadcast of the current 1954 series featuring those two old jolly men, Bud Abbott and Blue Castello. Look at you, Castello. Well, where have you been? Talk sense. You realize I'm trying to organize a baseball team? Yep. Yep. Yep. I finally got them together. Fine, Jimmy. Yeah, but the players nowadays, the players nowadays surely have funny names. For instance, who's on first? Who is? Yes. What? No. What's on second? That's not the program. Working late at the office, his work has been piling up on him. But I thought he just hired that new redheaded snuff, didn't he? Yes, I think I'd better. After all, it takes me 10 minutes to fly from Hollywood to Denver. Futuristic prefabricated air-conditioned residents of Mr. and Mrs. Castello? Yep. I am Mr. Blank from the bank. Back in 1944, Mr. Abbott and Mr. Castello purchased a number of war bonds. Those bonds have matured now, and I'm here to pay you off and catch. Oh, isn't that wonderful, Uncle Bud? It sure is. Yeah, Uncle Bud. Now you can get that mink to pay you what he's wanted. Now, if you'll just sign the bonds on the back, I'll give you your money. There's my signature. There you are. There's mine, and I'll also sign for Castello. Dad! And now, as you remember, the little boy here is the beneficiary on these bonds, so we'll have to have his signature. Oh, of course. I won't sign. Time? How dare you say such a thing? The way you've been acting lately, I don't know what's gotten into you. What's the matter with you? Oh, Uncle Bud. Snap on the peek-a-scope screen, fuse at the back door. Well, all I can see is the garbage can. Did I? Yes. Just in time, Castello, this man here is here to pay us the money on those war bonds that I tucked you into buying ten years ago. And you're from Cupid who refuses to sign the bond. Oh, yeah? Be in the bedroom and get him a sound thrashing. Oh, I can't do that. I can't whip my son. Why not? I'm playing both parts. And in one part it might revolve. You know the old saying, spare the rod and spoil the child. But my cut is... Oh, you're daddy wants the money for you. He wants you to have a career and a fine education. If you'll sign the bonds, we'll give you all... Folks, you've made a wise decision in turning the money over to the boy because you know, if anything should happen to the little fellow, all the money goes to the survivors. Get it? Well, good night, folks. Good night, you little... Well, Lou, you heard what the man said if anything happens to Cupid. All the money goes to the survivors. Do you get it? Yeah, I get it. He was a good man. Told my friend. Thanks, Ken. Good night, folks. Good night, folks. And I want to say good night to little Eunice in the hospital in Pittsburgh. Get well quickly, honey. Get well for Abbot and I. Good night.