 Mercedes announced on Monday that it's pulling its advertisements from the O'Reilly Factor. After The New York Times published a story claiming that Bill O'Reilly has had to pay at least five women $13 million to address accusations of sexual harassment. Sexual harassment or as Fox and Friends calls that acting presidential. It's 3 a.m. March 4th, 2017. I'm David Feldman. We have a lot of show. So let's get right to it. Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman, DavidFeldmanshow.com. On today's show, comedian Dave Attell, comedian Dean Abedaya, comedy writer Cassie Grimaldi, Dr. Katz calls in Dr. Jonathan Katz, and music from the insecure morons. We're putting out an album. It's called Pay What You Want, and you can literally pay what you want. Every month, we're posting anywhere between seven to 10 minutes of new stand-up material that's going to be used for an album. We're going to put out around Thanksgiving of 2017. Each month, we're putting up about five to seven minutes. Go to David Feldman's show. Look for the banner. Click on it and pay what you want. You can give us a penny or $3 billion, and you'll get the first seven minutes of my comedy album. Then next month, we're going to post another seven minutes. Please go to DavidFeldmanshow.com and check out a comedy album that is in the works. You can listen to the first iteration of Pay What You Want by paying what you want anywhere from a penny to whatever you want. On today's show, David Tell joins us. We recorded a very special conversation at the world-famous Cellar Comedy Club in Greenwich Village in Manhattan. David Tell has been called one of the greatest stand-up comics whoever did it. If you ask the greats, they will tell you that they became great from watching it tell. He is considered a boundless, fearless joke writer. He has a work ethic that is beyond puritanical. That makes him one of the most prolific artists working today. David Tell joins us. Dean Abedaya is an American comedian of Palestinian Italian descent. He is the host of Sirius XM's radio show, The Dean Abedaya Show, and it is the only national radio program hosted by a Muslim American. He joins us. Cassie Grimaldi is a comedy writer. She's been published in The New Yorker and also with us are the insecure morons who will be singing for us. Also Dr. Jonathan Katz. You're listening to the David Feldman radio program. Use sad, pathetic hump. Joining us is David Tell. David Tell, comedian slash stand-up comic. You call yourself a comedian slash stand-up comic. Do you ever worry that by being both a comedian and a stand-up comic, you're diluting the product? I like to think I'm funny and then I'm funny for money. So there you go. Like everybody's comical, but then the stand-up comic is like, whoa, this guy does this for a living. What is the horriest thing you've ever done? That's a great question, David. Is it entertaining the troops? I hear that pays really well. That would be in the good bank. In the bad bank would be when I did the reboot of the gong show. I felt like such a dirty, filthy whore the whole time. I really did. I was looking at the accent. I was like, here's a guy juggling chainsaws or whatever. And I'm like, you know, I wish one of those chainsaws would just slip out of his hand and cut my head off. I took the money, though. You took the money and did you really feel guilty? Did you feel dirty? It's always bad when you take the money and then it kind of stinks. Like the product stinks. That's what happened. Do you think some people don't belong on television and don't look at me? I'm not belong on TV. I like to think of it as the package. How much tape do we have? Or are we using tape? How many bites do we have for this one? Like there's a lot of comics, let's call them the bitters who are like, what's with this guy? I'm as funny as that guy. And whoa, how did he get in that movie? Huh? And I always go like, well, being a comic has nothing at all to do with actual show business. It's just being funny and, you know, writing jokes and performing and your performance. But the marketing of that into the next level, I guess you could say of film or television, that's beyond me. I mean, look at my career. Well, you are what every standup comic thinks they should be doing. I don't think that's true. Killing hookers in Seattle. There's the Dave Feldman I knew. All of us say, you know, here I am on the set of a movie punching up a script that will never be made better. Meanwhile, Dave, it tells up there at Green River in Seattle. Well, let me just say one thing, Dave, you know, I'm glad you finally got into the podcast game because it takes it takes a special kind of man to go, hey, you know what? Everyone else is doing it. I might as well get in myself and do it. You're kind of the guy who if I could use if I could use the Holocaust. Oh, please, the train is pulling away. And you're like, wait, wait for me. Hold on. You I'm not on the train yet. Well, I don't want to be left out. So let me ask you this as the world's oldest middle. I mean, it's a title you should wear with pride. You've opened for some of the best. Is it hard? Is it hard looking on at the headliner as they go through their routine? Has anyone ever told this is something that a lot of the young comics come up to me when like when I'm on the road, they'll go like, is there any jokes you don't want me to do or anything? And I'm like, no, you're supposed to do all your jokes and I'm supposed to be able to follow you. That just all works. And if I can't follow you, then my banjo and puppet will help me. So I don't see why you're you're worried. But I guess this is new thing up where like the opener has to get like a green light from the headliner. What do you think of that? The only thing I asked is that they don't use the F word before. I'm serious. Right. Because I just I don't like hearing you don't like that. I really don't give them like I just say you can talk about and I say to them, I want to talk about you, but I always say feel free to use the N word, the C word. Right. Just don't use the F word because that's cheating. But if you if you want to be edgy, I'm begging you to use the C word. Is that the F U word or the F A word? Oh, you know, there are two F words double F. Yeah, speaking of double F, you dated Norma Stitz. She's the woman with double F's. Right. Okay. Yeah. So I don't know who it is though. You're kidding. No. I was going to ask you about can I ask you about porn? I don't want to talk about your career. I'd rather I'd rather we talk about porn than comedy because I feel like with porn at least there is a career path to it. Comedy I feel like it just kind of ends up here on a scribbled note podcast. I don't want to go beyond my little table of show here, but I'd say there's no better time to get into porn than now. It's the worst time actually. I think it's the best time because they've gotten rid of all the gatekeepers. Now we're free to do it the way we want to do it. Well, first of all, there's more women behind the camera. That's wonderful. So there's a thing called romantic porn. So you see a lot of, you know, more dramatic stuff as opposed to the fisting and gaping which we grew up on. Yeah, of course. You know, it's funny because no, there's no worse time for porn right now. I disagree. We've never needed it more than we do now. That's the way I see it. I think you're sclerotic in your thinking. Is it my back? I just think you don't realize this new wave of porn that's coming up where they're hungry for it. Well, and they're self-starters. If you could control. Well, hold on a second. I was just going to give you some props because I've always thought that like when I would see you, and I wouldn't ever see you a lot on stage. When you say props like an arrow through my head. No, no. I was just going to say that you always made me laugh. You always had the darkest, well-written material. And that's what I love. Like Shimmel was another guy, really dark, well-written stuff. When I would see it like, and let's face it, the crowd reaction, you know, to some of that stuff, you know, not the best always, you know. And I'll put myself in that bit. I just want you to know that giving me compliments, I'm one of those people who... You don't like compliments. No, I love compliments. I love them. I could do a whole show of you telling me how great I am, believe me. What I like is that in your eyes, you can always see like when we tell these jokes, you're like, I can't believe they didn't find that funny. Right. Like, don't they sit around all day thinking like this? And then you realize, no, they're on the life site. You know, like they're life people. They don't want to hear about any of that. You know, like a bounce house tragedy or anything. Like, those are the reasons, you know. For us, it's very funny. See, look at that evil maniacal laugh coming out of your head. A bounce house tragedy is... Yeah, like, you know, the hoverboard explosions, like, I find it all, like, hilarious. And yet these kids, that's their biggest barriers. You know, the hoverboard isn't working. I was raised to think... Yeah, how were you raised? I was raised to think and say horrible things, but not do them. Is that because you grew up in a very, I guess, orthodox home? I thought you were the son of rabbis. Yes, my mother was the first male rabbi. The first transgender rabbi. The first transgender. She was the opposite of a mollusk. I grew up in a secular family. I pursued the orthodoxy, because my parents would not do it. Oh, really? Yeah, it was important to me. Right. But what about you? No, I grew up in that secular Jewish, you know, thing of like, you know, retail was really our religion. I mean, I'm not dancing around that. I grew up in a store. Like, my parents ran a store. So retail was like what we talked about, you know, margins and things like that. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, I found religion later in life. When you went to prison? No, like, when I went all over the world, then I realized how, like, you know, like religion is so much more important in other places. So I realized I want to get in the game, you know, like, but I don't think I would do anything crazy for religion, you know, but I think it's always worth a good drunken argument. And now a game of thrones is so many more gods to worship. Here's the many face God. Have you, do you have a joke on it yet? Well, you should. The many face God? Yeah. And then there's who's the many face God. Then there's the iron God, you know, of the what's dead can never die, which is I guess that would be the, that would be great for my career. What's dead can never die. I'm sorry, I've brought up references that everyone should know. Go ahead. So so petticoke junction. Is that what the first show you jerked off to jerking off? Yeah, let me ask your daughter ever called you jerking off because I'm porn that happens all the time. I did do a show where we were talking about masturbation being a form of prayer Oh, in front of my kids. And I was kind of embarrassed saying that. But I do think masturbation is a form of prayer because you do find God and other people like worshiping another human being the Martin Buber I value find God and another human. So I think masturbation is a form of prayer if you're using your imagination. Right. I'm being serious. Oh, I see what you're saying, creating like in your head, you're creating a scenario in a world like like it is religion. Right. Yeah, you're focused. You're focused on one beautiful woman with three nipples and a lazy eye. Do you think there's a skill on the road to masturbating to Oprah? Oh, wow. Have you ever done that? Wow. Could you do that? I've done that. You have. That's really I'm proud of that. That's a great one. I never thought of masturbating to over. It's a little too late now. Don't you think? Or gay? Well, I guess the view you could use it as almost. Yeah, almost as a carnival game. Face comes up in the close up. You got to make sure. Wack a malignant mole. No, you know what? I'll tell you what I usually do is at the meet and greet through the show, you know, like it's always like the couple come up to you, you know, and then like you shake their hand, take a picture with them. And then like, then that night, like I'll be like, all right, wouldn't that be cool if they invited me back to a hot tub three way? And then I'll jump off to that. Maybe this would be a good time for me to ask you a few questions. Okay. But unlike the rest of the world, I have like a very strict parameters like I keep a professional. Okay, that's what I do. So when you started comedy, was it in San Francisco? I started in New York in New York at Dangerfields at Dangerfields. Yeah. Okay. 82. Oh, and 82. When did you start? I started in 87. Oh, college. All right. You know. And then I always would in my mind go, wouldn't it be cool if I started in 67? You know, like during the Vietnam stuff, like woodstock and all that kind of stuff. By now, I would definitely be running like a gift shop. So I mean, there's no way I'd be like a shaking. I'd work on Tiamo somewhere up on 7th Avenue. That's a smoke shop. Joe Ansis. The first night I did comedy, Joe Ansis was at Dangerfields. Who's that? Okay, he was in the Lenny Bruce book. He was Joe Ansis was considered the funniest man in the world who never did stand up comedy. And Lenny Bruce loved him and would just sit at his feet and listen to him. And he borrowed ideas and bits from Joe Ansis. No, he lived with Rodney for decades. And so the first night I did stand up, I met Joe Ansis. And I always wondered what happened to him. Yeah, that's there's a lot of there's a lot of these like characters and comedy that no one ever like talks about. I wonder about them all the time, right? Because like Rodney, especially who I only met one time. And that was when I was a doorman at the at the improv in New York City. Did you play there? Because I remember seeing you there. At least you were in the bar area, right? I think I remember you were there. It was Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. And they said, Hey, Dave, we're going to do a sitcom about nothing. And you're like, that'll never work. And then you walk the other direction and said Enron's hiring. No, but supposedly that's where they came up with the idea right there. So there's a lot of guys like that who are super funny that no one really knows were like Dan Vitale. You remember him, right? I just meant he's like a local legend, this guy. And he was on SNL. But he also was a great comic because I used to see him do comedy. I wish he had done more comedy or does more comedy. But, you know, he was like one of these guys who was like a New York guy. I'm sure no one, you know, outside of our scene like knew how great this guy was, but he's super funny. And this Joe Ansis guy, right? I've heard that about like, you know, that there was that whole crew like the Carnegie Deli crew where people would, you know, like the bit taking was happening over there. Like someone would take someone's bit, you know, the mother-in-law bits, you know, we're up for grabs all the time. I've noticed that the New York comics borrowed. Be very careful what you said. Go ahead. They're now borrowing from Todd Barry. I've noticed this. There's a delivery system now that yes, they've appropriated. Is it from Todd, you think? Now it is. But then what would you consider it? Go ahead. Because I know Todd. Todd is very unique. I think he's for tell. I think for as a TV comic, I think he's one of the like there's nobody better. Wow. But I think that's great. What a great guy props to Todd. This whisper and this low energy is what we call it in the business. Boring. Is that the word I'm looking? It's I like to call it intense. Yeah. Intense. It's very apropos for today's times. But I saw before the Todd Barry phenomenon, there was a David Tell phenomenon where I'd be watching. That was yes. Right. And I just said they weren't stealing your jokes. They were kind of barring your rhythms. Right. Much like Hitler. That was the problem. Mussolini started it. He just made it. He made money on it. But here's the thing about that. You remember the high energy days of comedy? Yes. Like when there was like high energy urban acts, you know, all these crazy, you know, white guys yelling stuff. Now everybody's so low key, like it's all super low key. And sometimes I don't know if I'm hearing just the prophetic words of an American Indian up there talking about a lost land and culture or or a benevolent lesbian telling me the rules of the co-op. I don't know what's going on. But it's very low energy, lots of pauses. But you're a symphony. I am. You are. You are. Sam Kinnison is my guy. I Bill Hicks was my guy and I still love Bill. But when I when I look back on it, I'm like Sam Kinnison is the guy because he was a machine gun. He would come in and boom, take over the room, knock him down. He was angry. The anger just fueled the party. And I love that. I hate like you're a likable guy. I know like you're this corporate act where like you have to be happy all the time. And, you know, these comics that can't be angry. Oh, man, I feel bad for them because you're a symphony and that there's fortissimo, pianissimo. You're all in terms of dynamics. You can bring it down and bring it up. You're the best. I learned all like all these stage craft, I believe they call it. Were you in the back of the room? Were you a comic in the back of them? I don't think of you as a comic in the back. Oh, well, I, you know, now you can get on stage with just, you know, a high Yelp review. I mean, you know, you can get like a Twitter following will get you on stage. But back in the day, you had to wait till the end. And this club was a good example of it. The Comedy Cellar, where like they would just have you wait like over there. And then Rick Chrome and Bill Grunfest, they were the House MCs. They would like say, OK, well, you know, Rondell Sheridan show up or like, there's still some people here you want to go for a couple minutes. And that was cool because you really were the end of the show. And now like the newer comics go on earlier, like they get the choice pickings of the audience. But did you watch the comics? Oh, yeah, absolutely. And who had the act that you thought? There's people that you are a product of your environment, whether it's public housing or comedy. Like, Simon Feller would always say, wouldn't go on after 10 o'clock. Like, there's definitely like that after 10 o'clock feel to the room, where like, you know, it's wilder, it's drunker. And back in the day, it was definitely more, I guess you could say, the verbal barbs were going back and forth. And you had to defend yourself. And that was also like a New York comedy scene in Boston, like where it was really like the audience, you know, wanted you to prove it over and over. Now you go out to L.A. And it's really like a TED Talk, like they're just singing or not. If they're even listening, I think that they've been trained by their by their parents to like fake listen, just like, you know, like that kind of thing. Because we had to hang out to get on stage crying. Yes. Because we had to hang out. Do you still enjoy hanging out in the club and waiting to go on? Or do you just want to get on and then get off? You mean get on, get into my car service and go back to my private jet to fly to an island that I own release? No. And you get addicted to the scene here. You get addicted to the comedy scene, right? And that's the point of it. Like it becomes like, you know, I guess a social club, if you would, if I can borrow a Benson Hurst term, you know, it's like, for me now, it's like, unless I come up with a new bit or something like that, I feel like the whole night's away. So hanging out with the comics is the most fun of it. Hopefully, you know, you go on stage and mix it up and like something new will shake loose. That's really what I'm trying to get out of these like showcase sets. But when I go on the road, you know, I've been on the road for so long that like when you come back to the city, you see all these comics and you can have a good time and talk it up. I mean, that's a lot of fun, you know, especially, you know, for us, you know, like sad old people, you know, it's like that's all you can do. You can't drink, can't like party or anything. Do you not drink? I don't. No, I don't. When did you quit drinking? Well, I think it was during the Falklands war. I am. No, I quit. I quit about eight or nine years ago. And let me just say one thing. I never needed to drink to get on stage, but afterwards I'd like to throw it down, you know. But I know you were kind of you were one of those guys like, hey, I got early morning radio. I'm just going to hit the gym. Oh, David, you've never even worked with any of these new comics where like they want to pal around with you during the day on the road. Like, hey, I'm going to the mall and I hear they got like, you know, I don't know, there's like a Pokemon Go thing happening down there. No, I don't know. I just feel sorry for those guys. Those are like the first guy to die in the Vietnam movie. It's like, well, I guess if I follow what the serge tells me, I'll make it all right. Your road day is what? What time do you wake up? I never go to sleep really on the road anymore. And I blame it on the mattresses. Okay, because it's hard to conform to all these different mattresses across the country. And what's your sleep number? I hope I really don't know. And I hope this new administration delt dumps into this. I don't know where they're making the mattresses or who is making them and finds that comfortable. You know, I assume I assume they do get to sleep on a mattress just so they know what they're making. I don't know what they call them land clouds or something. Now, what is my road day like? I usually I used to do a lot of morning radio. Did you ever have to do that on the road? Yeah, it's a nightmare. Yeah. Well, but you know what, I'm not bad at it. I'm not great at it, but I'm not bad at it. These younger comics, I go, oh man, you got to do the morning radio. They're like, I'm not going to do that. It doesn't help. And I'm like, whoa, how do you're allowed to say no to that? I didn't think you were allowed to. There are some great stations out there. The number one, of course, is Stern. He's like the ultimate. And then Ron Pennington. Awesome. And the guys who know comedy or at least know our deal, those are the most fun. Now there's like some great podcasts where you just get to mix it up. Now, do you think that like with this new podcast, like how many episodes in are we my podcast? Yeah. I would say, let's see, we've been doing it for eight years. You have? Yeah. No way. Yeah. So this is our third episode. You've been doing how long have you really been doing since 2009? Oh, it's had different incarnations. Right. It used to be a sketch comedy show. Oh, I see. I see what happens. So now it's a podcast. So now it's like a year from now, it will be just you fliering people's cars with a funny image on it. It's nice to be part of another downward spiral. I made a promise myself and the audience that we would do the show no matter what, no matter what I was doing. I'm speaking for the audience. You do what you want to do. If you want to quit, that's fine. Now, the podcast game is also super competitive. I mean, everybody jumped in and now, you know, it's really like, I don't know who's doing all this listening, how much driving to an abortion clinic can someone do to hear all this scandalous talk and just sad lives gone in a bad direction? That's what it seems like. It seems like everybody is just are we allowed to use the FOM? Oh, you don't like it. I don't like it. But coming out of you, it sounds like cinnamon scented breath mints. Would you say your first love is writing or comedy? Let's hear it is probably performing comedy. Really? Yeah, but it didn't work out for me because unlike you. No, that's not true. Well, I'm sorry, but it didn't work out because I went bougie like you. You were more in the I consider you of the generation of the Jake Johansson's and those guys. Yeah. So when you look back on your class, what do you what do you see? I think that I fooled myself into thinking I could have a balanced life. Oh, that's true. Like family. Yeah, I thought I can handle this. I can. I'm smart. I can figure this out before I had a family. I put comedy first. And I said everything I got comes from comedy. Okay. Suddenly, there's a wife and kids and they come first. And I do the balancing act and suddenly comedy isn't as important. You pay a price. I'm being serious. You pay a price by not putting comedy first. Had I put comedy first, I think my marriage would have lasted. Really? Yes. Do you also think that you would have been probably in some of the greatest movies of our time like WrestleMania six, the big bus? I think when you compromise and you second guess your instincts, because comedy got me the wife, the jobs and the kids. Yeah. And then I took the comedy gods for granted. That's true. And I'm serious. No, I agree with you. Yeah. And then that comedy is like a marriage in itself. We're there every day. And the more you put into it, the more it will reward you supposedly. And then when you have a real thing, that's the same situation, same dynamics. As I'm saying this, I'm having this breakthrough where I realize you're told when you're a parent, you don't want to miss a thing. You don't want to miss a thing. So you stay home. You make all the sacrifices. I didn't know that you were that great. Yeah. So you don't miss a thing. And what happens is they turn 15 and they don't want to be around you. And then you don't see them. That's just lost. So I guess what you're telling the audience, and I don't know who he is, but you're telling the audience that like, it'd be better to have a balance of being really into your career, but yet having a family you don't care about. So would you say that the other form for you would be jazz? I mean, you never hear any jazz people going like, you know, I'm a great father. I mean, that's kind of a given that they're not going to be a good father. So I had a rabbi who said to me early on, you can be a great rabbi or a great father. Yeah. And I said to him, you must be a great father because you're a horrible rabbi. And but that was his message. You can either be a great rabbi or a great father. Do you think it's time for us Jews to like move our holidays around a little bit and not make them so seasonal to the harvest? I mean, I know probably at this point, maybe 50% of us are still farmers, but I mean, should we celebrate the harvest all the time? You know, maybe a harvest of savings down at, you know, I think we should update our entire thing, the religion of our holidays. Yeah. They should be more to our like things, you know, of our villain should be more villainy like now, you know, like predatory loans and of course, now, do you ever think of moving to another country where they might give you a second chance? All the time. I keep thinking what country would it be? I think Italy, Canada, France, maybe Germany, England. I didn't know you were selling the real thing. Israel, let me finish. Oh, all of them, huh? Communist China, Free China. A lot of these young comics are playing these Chinese gigs now. They're going over there. Yeah. And they're playing and I assume they pay them with phones and sneakers hot, like really hot. I can't use them. They're so right off the presses. Now, you've traveled with your shows. Yes. I want to talk about the USO later, but I didn't know you'd want to talk about that. I have a benefit. Oh, either you got to pick a benefit or a podcast. I do a benefit for emotionally distraught USO performers. Okay, there you go. A lot of these guys come home from these shows. They come home and no one wants to hear their shitty stories. Nobody wants to hear their shitty stories. And they find out that audiences won't laugh at them just at a gratitude. Yes. So it's very hard for them to transition into regular comedy. Well, it's a forever war, as we call it. So you got to support the troops. But I have traveled a bit, but I didn't travel as much as I thought I would when I was a young boy laying in my mom's bunk beds. You know, thinking about all the adventures I have. I realized that I'm probably one of the worst adventurers. I was just thinking about that the other day. How like, you know, I finally got to travel on someone else's dime. And then after a while, I was like, oh, man, I can't do this. I'm, you know, I'm shitting blood. And it's like, would that have stopped Ponce de Leon? Would have John Cabot? Who is that guy? I'm trying to think of the classic explorers. He was Italian, John Cabot. Oh, was he? Yeah. Let's talk about Dick Cabot. Did you ever meet him? Dick Cabot, the explorer who would go into the mind of Groucho. Did you ever meet Groucho? No. Okay. What about Chaplin? I didn't know Chaplin. I knew Charlie Chase. Okay. Charlie Chase. Patty Arbuckle. We started again. What, what comics did you like when you were growing up? I don't know if this was covered either in earlier podcasts or the sketch show that we keep hearing about. Go ahead. I'm just trying to, it's called Promote. The comics that I grew up watching. David Brenner, right? David Brenner was great. Right. He was somebody you stayed up late to watch. And now, do you see how comedy ages, like the way it is, is like, you know, in the 70s, like everyone's read that book now about the comedy store, and like David Brenner was like the top of the, the top of the pack, right? And now, now like, you know, all these people are like, oh, whatever. I'm like, you got to look at it like, like in the time, you know? It's like, you know, this guy was like an icon, you know? So I don't think they get enough props for that. That's like why this few guys that hold up all the way through and that would be, what's his name? Rodney. He totally does, you know? Right. I mean, his stuff is like, it's great. Rodney is why I started. I didn't know that. Yeah, I love it. What did you see him? I would watch him on television. This was the early 80s and it was just when he was getting his groove. And I thought, oh, you can just tell great jokes and hide behind the jokes and not have to tell the audience the truth about yourself. And I thought that's really interesting that you don't have to be self revelatory. So I don't have to talk about yourself. Myself. And let me ask you this. Did you ever see him live before you were a comic? No. Did you ever see any comics live before you were a comic? Mort Saul. No way, really? How long a show is that? Was that from like eight o'clock till he needs a ride home? Or like, I see that as a never ending show. So I'm sure there's a potluck with some local communists that he has to go to at their house. He's the mortis the best. He is. He's still around. That's the cool of it. Yeah. I wonder what he thinks of today's scene. He's kind of conservative. He is? Yeah, and he never appreciated the new comics. That was old. But he was super like lefty liberal in the 60s, right? But he turned right after the Kennedy. After Saul to get drafted. Is that usually how it works or what happens? The Kennedy assassination. Oh, that's what did it. Yeah. And do you remember where you were when that happened? Yes. I was at the top of the book depository building, holding a Van Likker carcano aiming at the president. There's very few. Do you? Okay, I was thinking of something else. But go ahead. No, please. You know, I had to say it like I do like the president. Kenny, I was to I was not born yet. Okay. It was like my older brother. That's his story. But I remember the two things I do remember was the fall of Saigon. I remember that. And I was like, what's going on? And, you know, just my dad was sitting there punching his fist. No, my dad was like, he could care less. He was what? He could care less. But you know what's so funny is that the people who live next door, they were like real like, you know, like pot heads and stuff like that. You know, they were like, whoa, you know, because they didn't want to fight or anything. So was your mother funny? I just found out. Yes. My mother is funny and I didn't realize it. Why? I didn't realize that when she said horrible things to me. Oh, she was that kind of a mother. My kids hung out with her and they were laughing hysterically. No way. And I'm taking it personally and I realize, oh, she's funny. She is. I didn't get her bitter biting wit. Oh, because she was verbally abusive to you. But now I realize it's funny. Are you an only child? No. How many other kids? I have a sister. And what does she do? She is an appellate judge. I always like that. Like one guy, he's a session musician. I think he sells pot. And the other one, oh, he's a brain surgeon. I'm like, what kind of what kind of house was that? Excuse me, I have to give all the attention to this kid. She's a teacher. Do you have any bougie brothers and sisters? I don't really use that word. I'm not from England, but I have any bougie brothers. Could you know not all everybody in my family, we were all raised to be workers. Like in my house, if you had work that topped everything. But I was in a very loving home and all that kind of stuff. And my mom was very funny. My dad had a sense of humor. The rest of us are kind of like dullards, I would say. But my sister's fun. We're not close or anything. Like we don't live near each other. And that's what I realize is that when you're a parent and you have children, you've got to make sure you have enough kids. But one of them should be a townie that's there. You need someone to lift you out of a bathtub. You know, it's great to have a son who's an astronaut. But you need another one who just like, you know, I don't know what he does. You know, he lives in the attic, but he's always there when I fall out of the toilet, you know. Well, the walk-in tub basically changed the family dynamic. It really did. That's when everybody said, you know what, go, you're free. Because in the past, the immigrants always crippled one kid. So they would stay home. Is that true? Yeah, that was the technique. My mom has a great story about, I think her grandma dying in the house and like she was sitting in a chair and she's like, grandma, grandma, and she was dead in the chair. Like that rarely happens nowadays. People used to die in their homes. Now you ship them off to a hospice or, you know, one of these reality TV shows, whatever you do, you get them on an amazing race and they just die there. But that's the way it should be. We should get closer to death. I think that's why apartments and homes are so unaffordable now because nobody dies in them. Nobody dies enough. So you don't mind buying that? Oh, that's right, the haunting. The haunting, yeah. I've lived in a haunted apartment. So, you know, it never gets as much attention as a haunted house. But I did. Yeah, I did. I know I did. So do you believe in this stuff or not? I like to believe that I don't believe it because it scares me. I've been in several haunting situations and it terrifies you. And, you know, in order to really come to terms with the ghost, a Yeager and Coke binge will really bring them to the forefront. It's great when you're already ramped up paranoid, all sensors are firing and then you hear the haunting story and now you're on the hunt. When were you haunted? Well, I lived in an apartment. There was a gay murder or something in there and then I know that it was being haunted and people had told me it was haunting there. What do you mean a gay murder? Like, I think it was like a lover's quarrel between two men and you knew that moving in. And I didn't know that moving in. How did you find this out? Well, I would get gay ghosts. Yes, that's that was it. It's not a joke, but it's true. I did, I believe, have a bicurious ghost. But, you know, I would leave out my porn, you know, my male centric porn to kind of throw him in the circle around me. But then after a while, I believe the ghost had entered my presence because I was, you know, watching more cooking shows. I was, you know, putting up figurines and whatnot. Everything. No, no, no, wait, no. Then I have another haunting story, which is even better. In Idaho, Boise, Idaho, there's a haunted hotel, which I think is now closed. But we were all staying there and me and the other comics and we're like, this place is haunted. And like, there was like, you know, people crying in the lobby. Like, I can't sleep. The noises and the guy who worked there, you know, there's a type of people that love this stuff, that love haunting like these weird people. And they're like, how do you know it's a ghost? Maybe it's just like the building laundry, something, what else? And like, they kind of get off on the fact that you're like terrorized, you know, basically it's like, you know, like a phone service or something. They know they have you. So like, whatever they say you're into. But I was like, oh, this is horrible. And then the next day my dad died and I had to fly home. So there you go. Let's get back to the gay ghosts. I don't think we I know that's more of a joke bag. I don't think and I don't think you nailed it there. Have you talked about this on stage in these times? You really shouldn't just start a crowd funder for it and just move on. But I'd say no. I've hit on the fact that they were gay ghosts, but they were they were or one was all right. The other one I think was just a friend. How did they manifest themselves? No, I could just feel the presence and things would move. And like, you know, a lot of it also had to do with like massive amounts of drinking, but still like it was true. Someone had died in the apartment and like once I heard that like, do you remember living in New York like in the 80s? Like what people, you know, like it was different than now. Like if you heard children's voices coming from another apartment, you immediately called the cops. You're like, what's going on there? Now it's like, oh, how's it going? I forgot, you know, you guys are both graphic artists and you have five kids. I don't even know how that's possible in New York. Or like the only time you did see a kid was the landlady's kid, you know, slowly growing to, you know, a murder, a psychic. Have you been to a psychic? No, I'm afraid of that. Are you into that? I would not go that way. I can't you seem like such a very practical, like, you know, a man of science and empirical. Is that the word? Whatever, a guy, a guy who believes in facts. Is that, did I say it right? Yeah, I believe in the humors. And the humors. Yes. And what about your daughter? Like, did you want her to have a good grounding in the STEM thing, the science? Yes, I did. My kids, your daughter's turned out great because she works in a museum, right? Yeah. That's a great job. Yes, she's great. I mean, Ben Stiller really brought out the fun of that job, you know, the highs and lows of it. But she got interested in museums by watching my act. See, I like a museum. I like going there. And I think that's a nice date. You're bringing someone to a museum and like, wow, this is way better than the cock fights I'm usually caught in. This is so much better than the hobo beatdowns that I usually am the prize for. Have you been to a cock fight? Have you been to a darn big show? In Puerto Rico, I, yeah, I kind of saw one. And did you get what it was about? Do you see the beat through? Did you see the way that I saw? The beauty of it, the way the cocks, the way the roosters really are fighting for their pride. It's a beautiful thing. There's something to it where like, you know, the guys really do love those birds. Like they really do love them. And they've been raised with the birds, you know, and they, and they, and they love them. And I mean, that was beautiful. The actual fight, which I believe it might have just been put on for the Torristos because I, I believe this isn't the one that they do when, you know, when they're celebrating. But it is the sweet science. A good cock fight. A good cock knows what it's doing. Well, would you say it's the MMA of the animal world, the cock on cock fight? I don't know, Dave. I didn't know that you even thought about any of these things. I would say that, you know, usually at this point in the podcast, someone will ask you your process. Now, I know you don't have a process. I'm not interested. I don't have a process either. I'm not interested in the donkey show. Have you actually seen a donkey show? I saw the gorilla show in Amsterdam. With Jane Goodall? I think it's a guy dressed up in a gorilla suit, any, any bangs and chick on stage. I'm not sure if they still do that over there. It's really up to the EU. I don't know. I'm sure there's a lot of regulation on that. There was a guy dressed in a gorilla suit and he made love. I wouldn't call what he did love. You know, it was really interesting because, you know, there's like an age variant in Europe where like they're allowed to drink earlier. I think at like 16 or something like that. Or like they're allowed to drink wine at 16 and then at 18, you know, they can drink regular whatever and they get high and all that kind of stuff. But they're cooler with it, you know, until they get really crazy with it, you know, like where they go like, you know, skinhead nightmare kind of stuff. So like you'll see them at these places and like they don't get too excited. I think they get all their excitement out at like things we don't care about, like soccer, you know, like that kind of thing or global warming. They get really up, you know, we, you know, over here, you know, do you worry about your daughter in the future of America? When I'm fighting with my kids or they're not talking to me, I'm a Republican. Screw them. Just myopic, short-sighted. What's good for me when I love my kids and my family? I'm a liberal. Now, do you think that they are heading into a better futuristic world of like delivery of packages by drone? Or do you see that as like, that's a job my son should have. He's being replaced by a robot. I don't think that's right. I'm at an age now where I'm beginning to say, thank God I won't be alive to see that. I'm almost there. I say that right before the People's Choice Award. Every time, like, I hope by the time this is over, I'm dead. See, I thought because of your many like, you've won an Emmy, haven't you? Or no? Yeah, so you have. So doesn't that bring you to another rarefied world of showbiz that I can only dream of? I mean, I could give a shit about any of that stuff. But I assume that once you're in that world of the Emmy world, it's all brunches and, you know, a lot of lunch meetings, like that kind of thing. No. Then how about that brunch? No brunch. That was nothing about my haunted apartment. Every Sunday from like one to three, there was no haunting. You got brunch. Even the other gigos would go out shopping. I saw an elliptical machine just going in my apartment for no reason. I think you have a movie. No, it's not a movie. I think you're a gay ghost. I think gay. I'm sure that's illegal at this point even to even gender genderize a ghost. Well, you've heard of my Halloween, my, you know, the trans neutral Dracula that I've been working on in the by Curious Frankenstein. Speech codes. Do you work colleges? No, I would. Did you ever work? Yeah. Yeah. Back in the day, that was a great money grab. And what happened? Did you? No, I gave up on it. I would never do one now. Because they're so prim and proper. And they're not, and they're not all that way, because I was playing always like, you know, like a community college. There's a lot of these like religious colleges where they let them drink. So there's like a lot of that saying, you know, Josephine's of the Our Lady of Whatever, you know, couldn't get into Notre Dame, you know, whatever they call it. And I played the colleges, but I have no desire to do any of that now. Like, I would, like, that's the thing about like, where I am in the whole thing. It's like, I'm pretty much happy doing what I'm doing, like, you know, playing the clubs that I do. Like theater shows, rarely I'll do them. Sometimes like, I'll buddy up with Jeff Ross, who's real fun, like, and we'll do like a bigger show. I love that. But I, it's like arena comedy. I only've done that like two or three times. Like a huge, what's the biggest venue you've ever played? Family court. There must have been 80, 90 people there. Your honor, the man is conflicted between his career and his family. Am I right? You know, the guy who sells sandwiches outside of family court, that guy's going to hell. I swear to God, he charged eight bucks for an exhaled sandwich and, you know, comes walking out with a black eye, holding two babies like that. That's really, honestly. Have you ever gotten into trouble with the law? I think I'm in trouble with it right now. Now, here's the thing about like New York and like laws here. It's like, I feel like, I feel like, you know, there's so many laws here. Like, is it legal to smoke pot here or not? I don't know. Like, I don't know. Like there's like this weird like thing, like I don't smoke pot, but like I look at these kids that are smoking pot all the time and it's like I'm hanging around talking to them. So now I reek of pot. And then it's like, and then I have to fly. And then I'm like, oh, what's going to happen with that, you know? So I know that's being kind of like a, you know, a nerd or whatever. But I don't, I don't really, yeah. No, I'll say this, okay. I don't go on the web as much as I guess I should. Like you have a big heavy web presence, right? Yeah, I'm pouring. I mean, your Christmas Mem is like, everybody waits for it every year. Your Christmas Vine video. That one where you put antlers on your dog and had your son ride them. I mean, that was hilarious. And you both were naked. I don't know. What do you see as the next step for comedy? We're already doing podcasts. So what do you think it is? Platforms or just being funny? I think we have enough platforms, right? Right. Do you think? So do you see it more as a PlayStation we experience where interactive where the crowd themselves will be like watching from many places in the world and like commenting and you will have to like much like a webcam girl. You'd have to like answer their requests. I have no idea. All I just want to do is stay funny. Put me in any situation where I can be funny. I don't care what the technology is. You think you're funnier now than you ever were? Yes. I agree with that. I am. I'm much funnier. I think that I'm at the point, especially now since I have no career goals. I really have none. Just being able to go and do my act and stuff is fine. And anything else is like who care? You know, it's great, whatever. Being able to do the clubs. But I think that like the age being age gives you such a great like perspective because of all the sadness, you know, like all the broken dreams and everything. And when you look at these crowds, you realize that they're all winners. None of them have lost yet. You know, they're all winners, you know. They still believe. Well, I still believe in the dream. They believe in the dream. I still believe in the dream. You do. I do. I still believe that happiness is possible. And I think you find happiness by hanging out with. I'm being serious like with people who you respect and. Sure. Don't press charges to me. That's that's the happiest you can be is just hanging out with good people where you're freer. You're you're just uninhibited. Do you think 10 years ago, we'd be having this conversation with the. We had this conversation. But not with a toilet plunger up my ass and this big smile on my face. Do you think that your LaWima was asking for it? Yes, I do. Do you feel that you're able to connect with the younger crowd? Absolutely. You are always, you know, I always do well in front of the youngest, like the drunk crowd on a Saturday night. And they always assume I'm going to bomb, but there's nothing funnier than your father getting up and berating you. I mean, I think it's hilarious. It's hilarious to see your father trying to hit on a 24 year old girl. That's right, because you're single now. So there might be, yeah, some play. So have any girls come up to you after the show and go like, hey, wow, that's, you know, wow. I have not mastered the after show. Yes. And I wanted to ask you about that. There's some guys who are great at it. Some guys who are not, but I'll just say one thing. Most of the people come up to me after the show are drunk guys who watched me years ago. And now they're married with their family and they come up to me and then, you know, I take pictures with them. That's that's pretty much all it is. As you get older, you realize that like, nobody really like sees how old they are until they see other people who are old that they knew like, what happened? Look at this guy and then they don't realize that they're old. But I realized that these were like young kids watching me and now they're like all adults. So it's like I'm old like Captain Kangaroo kind of style, you know, like they grew up watching me and now I'm the old man. So let's talk about San Francisco. Like you with with Jake and all those guys in the 80s, right? And who would you say is the template of that generation of comics? Well, for my generation would be Jake. I mean, Jake was the standard. Dennis Miller used to say, who's the comic you started out with who you were competitive with? And you resented because every comic has that according to Dennis Miller. Jake was that comic for me because he was clean. Good looking guy. Good looking guy told stories on stage. Right. Way out of the game. Right. He didn't tell jokes. Yeah. He hung the jokes in a story. And my father used to call me up and say, have you seen Jake Johansson? Yes, I've seen Jake. This guy is fantastic. He was he was the guy. Yeah. And then he came to my wedding. Jake and my father wanted to meet him. And I didn't know. I didn't know was that that close. But who were the Rubin was the other guy? Rubin. I was just talking about Bob Rubin yesterday. Probably the most original comic to come out of San Francisco. Just not commercial kind of self-destructive. And then there are the mega, you know, the guys who Robin Williams, Robin. You guys would get to see him perform. Yes. As like at the height of his fame. Yes. And to this day. I always feel what's the point of doing it. When we look at when you look at him. I watch Robin and I was bubbles. I always used to say this one. Yeah. And Larry also. Yeah. We used to say you do realize that the only reason this crowd is here is they think Robin might show up. That's the same at the cellar here now where there's so many celebrity drop buys. It's really great for comedy. It really helped energize this younger audience because up until that point, you know, you were thinking like, are they just going to watch this on the web? Like, are they ever going to come out to the clubs? Because you were there in the 80s, like when the comedy boom went down and how like that was really depressing. Like I just started, you know, as I got more into comedy, I realized I was like, Oh, I get it why people aren't coming. There's a lot of generic comedy here. It's really bad. Like, you know, like just like, you know, everybody's kind of doing the same act, you know, and I guess that comes in waves where everybody is doing kind of the same but now at least it's so niche oriented that like, you know, there's so many different, like if you don't like one style of comedy, you can find another style you want. Back then it was really like that kind of like, everybody was doing an evening at the improv set all the time, you know, and you were on evening at the improv set. How many? More than I remember, but that I was always I was on once and Bud said, thanks for dressing up. Give it up for Bud, everybody. What about Gary Shandling? Did you get to work with him? He was never a San Francisco guy. No, but Gary was. Did you know him as a stand-up before he was a TV guy? Because he went to TV and he kind of never looked back. Right. I would see him at the comedy magic club just going up with notes. And it was the kind of thing. Oh, really? It was the kind of thing where Here's the alt, like the maker of the alt world. Or he couldn't remember his act. Is that what alt is? You can't remember your act? Well, you're always supposed to bring like a notebook up there or whatever. Now the alt scene, like they're so moneyed and like, you know, like private jet that they should actually go up there with a butler. And he just whispered into their ear. Talk about your dog's birthday party. I like how like, you know, like people, you know who like, you know them as comics, but then like when they come super famous, like, you know, the lifestyle that they have and how like, unimaginable it is. And then you get to see like, you know, all those times we were sitting in a diner. Oh, so they were really thinking about buying a boat. I didn't know that. Right. What's the most indulgent thing you've done when you when you felt you had money? When I had money? Well, I bought my parents a house. Oh, I bought my mom a house. So I thought that was very MBA of me to do that. MBA, you know. Oh, MBA. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very. Yeah. You bought your mom a house. Like a basketball player would do. Yeah. Wow. I bought her a house. What did you do for yourself? That's interesting. Can you can you? Well, I bought myself an apartment. That was good. But I'm not into cars or jewelry or stuff like that. Yeah. I know you're a big jewelry guy. Yeah, I like to. Yeah. I'm Iranian. I'm an Iranian Jew. I think on this side of the Mississippi, you have the biggest high collection. That's a Jewish cross for the Western viewer. I love gold. I mean, I'm just, I'm reading gold and Aramis. I walk in and. Yeah. What would be, what would be the, I don't know. Can you spend money on yourself? I can't. No, I can't. I don't really spend money on myself. I cannot spend money on myself. That's great. What is your end of my life? So do your kids like have that same thing or they go like, I'm going to spend a lot of money on myself because my dad never did it. I think they're, I don't know. No, I think. Do you know them at all or no? I don't know them. I don't know. I would say that the rich kids of Instagram say it best, you know, fake it till you make it. Stand in front of a private jet, tell everyone it's yours until you can, you know, get your dad to buy you one. That's really the way. But growing up. Growing up, I grew up in a middle class family. Yeah. We had every, we were fine. Yeah. But you were, it wasn't a consumer culture where you didn't. Yeah. It was all like, yeah, we, no, we went to the mall. We went to the mall and we did all those like Long Island things, you know, racquetball and all those kind of things of drinking and driving. We did all those things, you know, but now I don't know. The thing I like the most about money is that like you can take it and do your own project. So when you say the most self-indulgent thing is with the Dave's old porn thing, they paid me to do it, but it wasn't enough to finish it. So I had to end up throwing in like a hundred, over a hundred grand. And this new thing I'm working on now, this self-invented game thing. I'm probably like 50 grand in on that. So, but I like doing my own things just because I really don't like the system and I don't like show business, like in terms of like the whole, you know, waiting to hear and then like, you know, it would be good if you went there and did this and like, you know, there's some people I want you to be. I'm not really into that. I don't like any show biz party thing or I don't like any of that. You don't. You love a good show biz party. I can go. Especially if there's a piano there. And you can stop. Show tunes all night with gay ghosts. I know you don't believe this, but I'm a creep. Yeah. No, you're like, I think a lot of us are just like, you know, before Asperger's, it was just like, you know, hey, this guy's weird and like, you know, now I know it's a whole mental spectrum thing. But back in the day, it was just like, you know, there's a lot of people, I think that went into comedy that have that kind of like weird spectrum. But a lot of them, like I've seen a lot of comics and I go, oh, you're not as weird as I thought you were. Right. You can hang out. You play basketball at Gary Shanlings. Right. You're part of the tribe. And I envy that because I'm kind of greedy with my time. Well, I consider those kind of people that where they're like, they're sociable, like if it might help their career, you know, it's like, hey, you know, there's two guys waiting out of the show to take a picture. I don't do that. But hey, there's, you know, what's it called? Gary Sinise is doing an apple picking. Oh, sure. I'm going poor Gary to take on the best guy. And so, you know, those people are always there for some reason. And they're always the one that pulls you aside and goes like, I hate parties. You know, really? Do you go to what's the last party? I don't go to any of them. Would you go to a party if you thought it would be good for your career? Never. I would never do that. I like I think you're telling the truth. I'm not a party guy. Back in the day, like we used to, you know, as comics, like we used to hang out and write. Like, and I was like, I love that, you know, but now it's like now it's really now it's so hard to like get anybody together to do anything, you know. Everybody's got families. Everybody's, you know, like busy. So as a prolific writer, you're considered. Well, I believe in the new joke. Like people talk about like jokes. When you said the whole thing of Jake Johansson stories and stuff like that, Jake was a great comic in the fact that he was telling a story, but there were jokes all along the way. Now for some reason in this new style of comedy, it's the story and then your personal outrage or your political, whatever. Then a few jokes, you know, and I'm like, it really should always be the jokes and then the the rest of this. Are we wrong? Are we wrong? I don't know. I feel like this generation of new people that have never seen them more stressed out and like serious yet worldly, but like also like they don't have the same sense of humor that we did. I mean, they've been told everything is wrong, you know, racism and all that stuff. That like they've really taken a lot of the the funny off the buffet if you ask me. So you're so you're watching young performers who are doing tell their stories, but they're like the same stories my mother tells me. They're doing music, but not lyrics. Oh, that's interesting. That's how I see it. And I'm thinking, well, they represent a group or an ideal or a lifestyle and the audience connects with them right away. But the rest of the the rest of the crowd, I go, these people like are, you know, better people than ever lived on the planet. But then the minute someone does a corny hacky joke, they go historical laughter. And I'm like, oh, so it's just like, they don't really know comedy. That's they're kind of new to comedy, like this kind of comedy. So I was reading a biography of W.C. Fields. And one of the things that amazed him when he was doing the vaudeville was that he could travel to a town and say, what's the town everybody here makes fun of? Yeah, I do that too. Absolutely. Yeah. And it's like, so there are these universals that never change. That could date back to before vaudeville, back to minstrel shows, which you are trying to bring back. Well, I think Mark Twain, who was the first touring comic actually, you know, where he was always talking about, like, you know, I've got a two nighter in Ithaca. He really toured heavily upstate New York. I know that. But if you look at his thing, like I read his thing, he goes like, I don't know what the problem is here in Rochester. Like you would talk about like, who are these people? But his like long drawn out stories and everything like that, I feel like he would kill right now, Mark Twain. Debussy's Fields, I'm not so sure. I think that he would, you know, because he was also a pool hustler, according to his movies. I'm not sure if people would enjoy a guy who's milking his substance abuse, or alcohol, that is. Well, he was also, before he even became a comedian, the best juggler in the world. I didn't know that. Yeah, really. He was considered on the vaudeville circuit the best juggler and just got bored with it and switched to comedy. He was that good. Wow. Yeah. In those movies, like you've seen those movies, right? I think that was like the last time you could see like a grown man and a child. You know, they're both, I guess, scamps, you know, like living on the streets and like you're laughing your ass off. Now that would be like, you have to have a march for that. Baby Leroy, was that it? Baby Leroy, yes. You know, there were jokes. I never hit a woman, not even my mother. It was about to hit Baby Leroy. And this one goes, how dare you? And she clutches her pearls. He was relaxed. I've never hit a woman, not even my mother. And I thought that was the funniest joke I had ever heard in my life. Right. I never hit a woman, not even my mother. And then the whole thing with wanting to hit this baby, that's hysterical that he would, he hated Baby Leroy. Yes. Hating children. You can't do that anymore. Yes. He was ahead of his time if he asked me. Now it's cool to make, like, you know, make fun of your kids. Like, like on stage, like, you know, comics are finally talking about like how hard it is to be a parent. Like they're starting to talk about it. It is very PC, but still like, nothing compared to that dynamic that we just expressed. I wanted to do a roast battle with somebody's kid and win. Oh, that's a good idea. I wanted to do a thing. And everybody should know you'll get into trouble. I wanted to do a thing, like a double act with my son where I made fun of him, where I wasn't the idiot. Wow. Like I'd make fun of him for being stupid. You know, and he's the straight man, and I'm making fun of it, but people in the audience won't accept that. I go, but that's so funny for the old guy to win. I want to do a show of like, you know, the sons and daughters of all these comics, you know, you have children, have them like a show of them doing their dad's best jokes. But here's the funny of it. That's a funny. The more famous sons and daughters would bump the. And go along. Yeah. Oh, no. Look who walked in. It's Jerry Seinfeld's kid. Sorry. Hey, traveling around the world for the for the army. For the military. For the military. Yeah, the military. Yeah. Did you go to Iraq? Yeah, I went there like five times. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Weren't you involved in the in the war effort at all or no? I was too afraid. Were you really afraid? Yes. Because let me tell you my biggest fear in all the U.S. are things was that I was going to do something stupid. I was going to get some poor guy killed because he had to watch me because they have watchers that watch you and everything. But they were really cool to me. The problem with the military shows they have a PC thing there too. Because like all the laws that we act they have to they have to do it. So now I would say like my act was already kind of too blue for them. Now now it's like probably out of control. But they've always been cool to me. And the crowds crazy. You went to Iraq five times. Yes. What year? How early? From like 05 till like 09 or something like that. Who did you go with? I went with a bunch of comics. And you know some of them no longer with us. But they it was really like it was really a cool like thing to get to do. Because I think that like the majority of people in this country want to do something for the troops. But to actually get to go and see kind of you know just a taste of what they do. And then like realize how like you know like I never served in the military like that. Like you know it really it really kind of like you know I felt bad that like I wasn't a part of something. So it was cool to get to see them do that. And then I did a bunch of charities. The big one that I do is the or I was really involved with was Operation Purple which is you know for the families you know of these deployed troops. You know I sent them to summer camps and they have all these great programs for them to deal with like multiple deployments. And of course it's really hard to be the child of a kid who's like parents are away. You know mother or father on multiple deployments. You know I guess it would probably be like you know weren't you involved in the amazing race or something like that. It was tough on the kids. You don't know if your kids are coming down. Yeah no I mean like there's no comparison to anything for it. So they have these special programs where they get to hang with themselves and like get to go do some really fun things. So it's called Operation Purple and the you can check it out online. So but I would say the troop thing was like one of the good things that I've done with comedy that I was blessed to allow to do something good. That's that's the good about like getting to do these shows because like you realize like you know it's such a selfish life and then one of the troops will go like dude I listen to your album like every day like we listen to it when we come back from a mission we just laugh our ass off and I was like wow I didn't know anybody's listening to it let alone people would have a good time with it. So that makes you feel good. But you've helped out in many other ways. By not entertaining the troops. Well I think that there's that but then there must have been seven or eight San Francisco like a collective needed a new jukebox or the air hockey table down at the youth hostel needed a new court or something. Some other San Francisco and what about in LA you were never pulled into any live aids or any of those kind of things. Yeah I did some benefits. The problem with my act is. Yes. They don't want me. See that's the thing. But I did here's the thing Karen Rinkowski who I love and does a battered women's benefit in Silmar. And I'm being absolutely. You can't do that. I do it. You do. And I kill and it's so much fun. It's it's a shelter for women in Silmar California. When I was living in LA I would do it like three times a year. And the women love. I'd go like I'd get up I'd go all right ladies I'm just reaching for the microphone. Don't don't flinch. I swear to God Dave. I like it. And they would laugh hysterically. If a joke doesn't work I'd go you want to try listening. And boom they and I go well wait what's going on here. How come I found your crowd. I found my crowd battered women. When you were starting to do comedy and I know this is going way too long. I mean I'm just blathering. I love this. Of course you do. I'm a pig. I smell a two parter. As they say in the podcast world. I call them double flushers. Now I was going to say that like my crowd is really cool like the older crowd like the ones who are like over I guess twenty five thirty something like that where they've already like been broken by life and they realize that you know there's humor and all the sadness. But the young crowd doesn't connect. I find it harder to connect with them just because like I said they're still winners you know like they still are going to win in their lives. Do you think you have to be broken by life to be funny. I think so. I think it helps. I really do. I remember seeing you as a joke writer I was like oh my god. I was like how does this guy come up with this stuff. When you play Carolines you know. Like that was like the hottest club in New York City. And like to get a week in there was like such a you know you still and I remember seeing you you play there right. Yeah. Yeah OK. So it was it was great. You and I were at Harvard. We're getting our MBA. Right. And you said to me. I said computers. Don't waste your time. Comedy traveling around the country performing in front of people who can't make up their mind whether or not they want to kill us. That's the future. Do you think it's possible for me to go on stage in front of you and tell jokes. That would make it impossible for you to follow me. But isn't that my job to follow you. Are there jokes that can just totally poison a room for you. No. What usually happens is you'll play a club and there'll be a guy who like you know is a headliner. But for some reason he's middling and then you'll go you're a headliner. Why are you middling. They'll go like oh dude I see you come to town. I'm a huge fan and I just wanted to blow you off the stage. And it's happened to me. It's happened to me and it will happen to me again. But that's really. I remember one club where there was all these guest spots. But every one of them was like a regional power headliner. It's like you don't mind this guy does 10 minutes. And I really don't mind if people do. Yuck yuck since Toronto. OK. You could yell. You could there's like five. I think there's a lot of pressure point areas where that happens. But mine was in the north. It was out west. And it was just another guy like you don't mind this guy. He just got off a cruise ship. And he just wants to like work some new stuff out. And he hit me with every like high energy likeable bit ever invented. And then another guy is like this guy you know he's like he's just trying to figure some stuff out. And like he don't mind. And he comes up there and he's like plugging a guitar in you know for like a guest spot. And I'm like OK great. And then you know it's like you have to follow that. And have you ever snapped on the road where somebody's where at the crowd or at the at the crowd or the other comics or the opening act. No I would never do that. What if the guy is imitating Al Pacino getting butt by. Well he should be the headliner then. What if you're working Texas. Yeah. And see now you have a lot of issues with the road. You never you got to give it up to the road. You got to give up to the road. What do you know. That means that like anything goes and that like it's not going to be you know like you're not going to cut you know you're there for you're there for the money you're there for the time like the stage time and all that kind of stuff and you're there for the fans. So you got to give it up to the but if you're bringing like a lot of nose with you on the road then it's then it's a lot of hard like you know I don't like dirty this and you know that. Yeah that's what I did. I'm not saying people don't do it a lot of people don't but for me I was always like the road is where like I get to test the bits out that I was working on. Now it's the other way around where it's like I'll come up with bits on the road and bring them back to New York because the crowds here are more PC than the road crowds. Well hang on hang on hang on. So as I understand it because I'm new to New York I'm back. I think you're new to the comedy road situation. Yeah. You know you can play these bar shows if you want like a more eclectic kind of small crowd you know. Do you play them? Yeah yeah. I think the road helped me develop as a comic and a man. No I think the road helped me develop as like a comic because I got to do way past my comfort zone of time and also deal with a lot of crazy situations but I'm a product of the late night New York scene so I'm always going to be that kind of comic but the road was what kind of helped formulate it into like a thing but I've done those five minutes sets for TV and people don't get how important they used to be like just Johansson did like 30 Letterman's Carson's and that's an impressive number and it's also really hard to do and people don't get how important that was. Today's comics they don't really even see that as like no one's going to watch it who cares it's not going to lead to like an own workaholic show so like what's the point but I think at the end of the day there's some ones that are really good joke writers and they do it like Sam Morrell is really good. Mark Norman, Mackie they're there's so many great ones Mike Vicky own. These guys are great joke writers and you know they do them and it kind of makes you feel good to go like hey look they're doing it. Right when you say what's the point? Yeah because it doesn't lead to anything. I say here you are you did like a hundred dinosaurs. How many Mike Douglas's have you done? I mean Murph Griffins. I did Murph. That's where the first time I started Gary Shannon was on dinosaurs. Can you believe it? Mr. Alt and these areas doing his oval team bit. Will you come back and do this? I would love not to. You know I think the best thing to do is like you move on to the next comic. That's the best way to go. Well no I love to. And then you put a live show together and we all come back out. That's how you do it. Is that how you do it? Will you be my producer because I'm looking for one? No I'm not going to do that. You and I watched Mr. Saturday Night together. Do you remember this? We went to see Mr. Saturday Night together. Oh we did? I didn't know that. Yeah we both had a gig. I think we were both playing Carolines. Oh okay. And how was it? There was a woman crying throughout. Of a laughter. No just crying. For Mr. Saturday Night? I remember this vividly and you kept laughing at the woman crying. Oh okay. And it was the Billy Crystal movie. Yeah. Wanted to ask you about this because Mr. Saturday Night when people ask me should I be a comic or should I stay and I've been doing it for six years I'm thinking of getting out. I always say go watch Mr. Saturday Night and if you think it has a happy ending. That's a good idea. Then you should do it. Right. And any Billy Crystal movie has a happy ending because it's over. No it ends with it ends with him playing the condo circuit. And I remember and I remember thinking well that's good. I wouldn't mind being in my 80s playing the condo circuit. So many people have said to me it's so depressing. It's so I'm going what are you talking about? He's got a gig. He's playing the condo circuit. Yeah but you as a guy who probably you know will be playing the condo circuit go like hey you know what it's great that he you know how did he get that gig. Is that how you're looking at it? Yeah. No I think that that's a good movie. A template of comedy. I think that really is. It's one of the rare comedy movies that is actually funny because usually you know people bring this intensity to this kind of half-ass world we live in. Like we're not pilots. All right. You know like we're not it's really the most important unimportant thing you could ever do with your life is being a comic. It's like it's not going to change the world. It's not going to do anything but it's there is definitely a in my mind like you know you get driven. You get you know like once you're like fanatical about it there's nothing else you can do. I know people have been doing it like you know 15 20 years or so like you know I don't know if I should keep doing it. I'm like well take that 20 years mark and throw it on any other job and go like let's say you worked construction. You know what would you say? You'd say like I don't know if I should do anymore. Then you would quit right wouldn't you? So it's like just quit then you know just stop. Nobody ever really quit. But yeah I don't think anybody ever really quits and I also think that the only real thing that you can do in comedy is get funnier like for yourself. Like I'm very happy that like all those for 15 years I'll say it I never really understand the whole thing like it took me so long to learn how to write a joke and then to perform I wasn't a good performer and then they like one would be better than the other would be better and I'm talking about years of like just like you know man am I ever gonna get like a decent joke and then you know my performance But you came out of the gate pretty quickly. No that's not true seven years before I really made any money doing it you know. Yeah but in today's time I think people usually like three three years. But you were with then you started in 87. Yeah. You were writing on SNL within three years four years. On 94 I was there. Could you have ever made it as a writer could you give. So that's seven years dude so three or four years. Could you have made it as a writer you. No I hated it. What just working for some. I've said this on multiple podcasts that back in the day if you were ugly people wanted you to be a writer all your good looking Israeli agents would go you know what you should be a writer and I'm going to get you into a Disney program where you learn how to write like a little mermaid or something right and you're like I don't want to do that want to be a comic and then now things are different where it's like you walk in the writing room the ugliest guy is the star and all the good looking Harvard guys are the writers they're all like these super you know heavy duty writers but no I would never I wish I knew how to write I wish I was a writer I think that's still a cool thing you know to be a writer but I'm not I'm not a writer I'm not a script writer I'm not a book writer I know that so I'm not any of those things were you a writer back at where'd you go to school again at Yeshiva were you a writer or what did you do I wrote I heard you were thrown out of Yeshiva because you smuggled deodorant in somebody said get that get that Goya should smell out of here and turn the heat up somebody wave around a dead fish because there's a good smell in here were you bar mitzvah yes I was did you go and did you go to Hebrew school for sure I did can you read Hebrew well I don't like to brag but Dave to sum it up and I'd love to come back any time but I'd like to see you get like who's on your wish list or your bucket list for the guests go ahead you well ta-da done and coming back maybe sure I would love to get all those questions written down on coffee table somewhere yeah you don't talk politics this is the last question oh now we have you don't talk politics I doubt and I respect that you can do an as the third Koch brother I believe my politics in my checkbook you can do an entire hour on stage yeah make people laugh and nobody has any idea if you're a Democrat or Republican they have no idea oh I voted for Hillary I'll say it right now but uh they don't know if you're against assault with a deadly weapon or fort you don't know if you're against animal cruelty I play all these they call them red states but those people are cool the majority of them the majority of them you know like love every kind of joke you know a dick joke is universal and all kind of stuff and they're you know like I can see him laughing with their guns jiggling on their sides and everything here's the thing that I don't like political comedy and there's some people that are great at like Lewis Black I think is the best and uh Bill Maher and those guys like uh this John Oliver guy is super great but for the rest of us who are like dabblers in it you know it's like you're preaching to your choir to like everybody in that room kind of agrees with you already so it's it's like a pep rally if you really want to if you really want to like throw down with your idea let's go to Birmingham, Alabama or like some of the clubs I play and that's what I love about Bill Hicks is like you know he had an altie like act even though it was so great the jokes but he was playing all these like these like you know like uh all the places that I play like Kentucky and Alabama and all these different places where they didn't necessarily want to hear his theories on Jesus you know right but he wouldn't pull back because he was that cool but these kids are pretty much preaching to the choir you know it's not very like brave to be a vegan who believes in same-sex marriage in Williamsburg I mean that's kind of like that's their jury duty I mean do you shift gears do I yeah when the audience starts getting prickly with you will you why I know you challenge two gears hilarious yes you do David it's how no no hold on I said well I shift gears well I do my thing of like uh because I'm the worst performer I go three jokes that I wanted to try if they don't laugh at that then I immediately it turns into a knife battle that's how it works with me now I assume with you when you're locked in do you work with the situation at all or you have jokes to tell when I know what I'm doing you know when I know what I'm doing because I don't always know what I'm doing but I know really see I thought you went up there more prepared I am prepared you are but when I really know what I'm doing yeah I know that every joke is not supposed to work I have this that's good I have this killer instinct in me where I want to kill and I'm and I'm so in the moment I'm judging each joke and I'm going that didn't work that didn't work instead of embracing the joke not working and challenge the the audience not laughing and go what huh and respond to me that's what timing is is being in the moment with the reaction and not wanting them to laugh just wanting them to react that's when I know what I'm doing but when I just want laughs that's insecure oh that's interesting and it's weak and it's not entertaining that's interesting I agree with some of that and I are you up on stage counting your laughs no not at all no I I go I don't even care about I just care about the joke and like if it doesn't get a laugh I'm immediately trying to fix it in my head as I'm telling the next one what do you mean you're fixing a joke that you just told well yeah I'm like oh damn that didn't work so now I'm gonna like have to work on that one and then I'll go on to the next one you know but for me the most fun of it is the joke in the moment which is like if you're working with like another comic like Jeff Ross or somebody on stage and you come up with something or like you know like offer some crowd work or just for me sometimes like I'll go up with a topic and I will try and get the joke just to keep my brain going keep the you know try and find the joke as I'm telling it so that helps me keep it fresh but I really always appreciate a good clean joke you know like where it's like like Nick Griffin have you ever seen him he's great he's a great he's a great joke writer and he also is really a fun fun like act and you know like there's so many guys who are clean you know it doesn't mean like they're like Noxbury farm clean you know it's not like oh gosh clean but they don't Jingleberry farm yeah yeah so like they're clean and like you know the audience like doesn't appreciate how hard it is to write a clean joke like clean joke is really hard I know we have to wrap it up but that's I that was one of the questions I wanted to ask you did well we're going to get to that after 400 on the on the cap and trade bill don't you think I maintain that most comics would rather be clean than dirty or blue or dark I would rather be clean and light yeah than dark but I can't make an audience laugh unless I'm showing them the truth my or my rot when you started out you had a light touch you weren't no that's not true I mean I think that it's the dirty joke writes itself and then when you live the dirty life those are like I'm just talking about my life man but the shocking joke I think never works which is like the guy who's just shocking uses filth to shock the audience and I see a lot of that now of like in both sides of the fence in the PC world where they'll like shock people what's with an issue and then talk about it and it's like the audience has to like deal with it whoa this person was adopted and then like you know they have to deal with it and like blah blah blah and then the person will tell their tale but I never like a shock joke of like you know just like boo you know like that right but going back to I like a good well written I like a dirty joke that's smart and I also like a clean joke that just a good clean joke the rules of engagement yes with comedy good what are the rules of engagement you're saying because I agree with you and nobody talks about this there are rules and there are standards that's why I never want people saying the F word in front of me right because you're punching up weak cheese that's true that I I I agree with that that when you when you're throwing as Carlin used to say you're just throwing the sauce on it like the spice that like you really are like probably build up a joke that's not that that's strong right so I agree with that so I don't want it in front of me when I'm performing I want you working on your act I want I want you writing jokes and I don't know if you're running a camp or a club but well I can't run a camp anymore because you can like you said earlier three or four hours ago when we started you can't control people am I right well what I'm I think Uday or Kusay Hussein said best those guys were I guess this is probably inappropriate but um you know if we gave them a chance you know what are the rules of engagement as a respected comedian when you see a comic on stage working clean you just like me respect the guy what is a clean joke do people even know what a clean joke is it doesn't even have to be dirty if it's about a topic that's considered you know politically incorrect do people know what a dirty joke is I don't think people know what a dirty joke is no I think on the setup you know on the setup you can get boozed because the topic itself is politically incorrect so the the dirty joke itself the dirty joke itself might not be as as um to the crowd might not be as threatening as an actual like clean joke that deals with like uh you know politically incorrect topics so I see that a lot too where people are groaning at someone telling their story about something that happened to them racial or something and the the crowd will like immediately turn off on on them you know and uh it's weird because like uh the comic club was the last place where you thought like this PC thing would really kind of entrench but when I used to do morning radio they were under the gun and then like I said I know this is going to happen in comedy clubs too it's like it just has to go that way and then like as twitter built and all that kind of stuff it did so now that's where we live in where like the comedy show is uh like also under this kind of weird filter you know is that what is helping comedy don't we need taboos to make no absolutely you know what this these kids don't need that they really don't need it I think that they're more focused than we give them credit for first of all they have a lot of great role models for being amazing you know like the zuckerbergs and all those people a billionaire 20 you know nine-year-olds or whatever so there's a lot of they like when you were a kid right who was the most famous person Edison Edison and for me was evil can evil and I was like so in order to get any attention or any kind of play I got to jump over a canyon these kids only going to sit at home and think of an app that you know creates the ultimate peanut butter jelly sandwich they're you know balls deep in it now you know what I like is how easily they've embraced money because remember growing up it was like not cool to look rich now it's like it's pretty cool and and you're not supposed to do things for money what oh that's true you know but these kids who knows let's plug some gigs okay let's do where are you going to be playing where am I going to be playing yeah because I'd like to um heckle no I'd like to as a heckler I would like to watch oh greatest yeah response ever in the history of heckling what there was a comic yeah I've always wanted to tell you this story because Larry god Larry bubbles brand yes and Alex Reed and I would tell this story about a comic being heckled and it is the greatest response ever in the history what give us a give us the situation there was a comic yeah who was on stage and somebody heckled him and I always wanted to tell you this story and somebody was heckling this great comic and the great comic said okay what do you do sir and the heckler said I f*** your mother and this great comic said welcome to the world of AIDS oh that's great that's you I know I know dude that is the funny we have talked about that you and bubbles like once a year the things that you talk about deciding on who's going to pick up a check at a lunch and I really two known grubbers well that's cool but you know why that's so funny yeah because Alex Reed who was that again he's a comedy writer what he said is what is so great and disarming about this was there's nothing socially redeeming you didn't get the best of the heckler the heckler didn't get the best of you it is the perfect response for a comic on stage when the guy says I f*** your mother and you say welcome to the world of AIDS it is the greatest heckler response do you remember that I don't like being quoted to myself like I'm somebody do you remember that a kind of I don't know but what I want to say is this is that people always pull out these nuggets of like a quote like that and like in in their minds now since you don't really tell stories like the way I would tell them which is like and then a curtain closes and a girl walks out and there's a trophy no then there's another 30 minutes of shitty comic that happened and I like how people always pull these nuggets of what happened but they don't really get like you know it's like it's not all Viking funerals you know what I'm saying like it's a lot of there's a lot of grunt work out there but that's what always gets me is that like people go like and then this guy said this and that's like and then you know there was like a whole other shitty show like you know but that's life you have sex and you remember the sex you don't remember the cleaning up afterwards true well David to tell I always said that like I'm going to die up there but I'm not going to I'm not going to leave until my time's up like I'm going to do my job in my mind I would leave my body like I would I would be dying so badly that I would leave my body and I could actually like watch myself dying on stage like I really would feel that outer body experience I had an outer body experience I shit my pants when right now no wonder I I thought it was smoke no did you the first time I went on stage I pissed my pants I know that did you really yeah I was so nervous but people don't piss just a tinkle you know wasn't like a full tilt do people really piss their pants when they're nervous I just said I did it didn't I I can't tell if you're telling the truth and I did no I was like all these people go on stage to have such confidence you know I I was so nervous I was like uh and I had all my jokes written down in my pocket and all that kind of stuff and I was like so nervous and it was horrible and I remember I remember like I was like oh you know and then somebody goes the first time is always the worst and then there was like another six months of times like that no no pissing now dry you know it was a dry night as we said and I remember going to my mom and go like I guess I'm not good at anything you're good at pissing Dave let's plug some gigs I really have no gigs to plug well you what is this air it's going to air tonight at 3 a.m. oh really it airs 3 a.m. Tuesday we launch a new podcast every Tuesday and Friday at exactly 3 a.m. oh that's cool the seller I'll be at the uh yeah I'm always I'm always hanging around here at the commie seller I'll be at the stress factory in New Jersey with Vinny Brand yes I like that club good crowds yeah so that's coming up well thank you so much thank you and Passover I'll be leading the sader at my mom's house so that's true Jonathan Katz told me a great joke oh come on already a blind guy at a Passover sader picks up the motz and says who wrote this shit thanks buddy all right this one goes out to Dean you guys ready two three I'm Dean I don't know all the chords Dean the David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you you sad pathetic comps Dean Obadala thank you for joining us sure thanks for having me and we had of a a song that we prepared for you and I appreciate that and it's been in my head ever since I saw you on the schedule I like that song a lot seriously that was very good and I'm convinced that it's hack that everybody does that no one never heard that Obla de Obla Da I've heard for ever I've heard Dean owe me a dollar I've heard that forever I've heard go back to your country I've heard you Muslims are dogs and your pigs and you know that kind of stuff and that but not and that's how I'll hack to me never no one's ever done I like that it's very good you have been talked about on the show for a year Scott Blakeman tours with you sure good guy he is a he's a great guy and I've met you doing stand-up your hysterical comic let me introduce you let me give you a proper introduction about fucking time yeah I know because some come on I've earned this some people may not know who you are most don't you are the host of the Dean Obla Da show on Sirius XM the insight channel you come on before John Fugel saying I do and I badmouthed John for the entire show somebody asked badmouthing John does anybody not like John Fugel saying other than John John is except for John John has self-leveling we all do as comedians but John is well like a really good guy and very very talented you know guy you're a great comic you are also one of the stars of the Muslims are coming and you write for The Daily Beast you're a lawyer by training I don't practice anymore what kind of law did you practice litigation you know court trial trial attorney tried cases and stuff represented big companies against little people who were in need of help but there I was on the side of the big company crushing their their house of their dreams or whatever they had didn't make me feel good at the end of the day so it's part of the reason I left you're also an amazing writer and I amazing doesn't do you justice and you don't deserve justice considering what you used to do for a living right you wrote a piece inditing Bill Marr for putting Milo Yaponapilapilas on his show I just lost it when Bill had him on the show completely lost my mind and I wrote for this show I do these rants on my show and I read your piece in CNN and the CNN website so brilliantly well thank you it was like case law you had written out a case against Bill for putting him on I don't like Bill Bill doesn't like me apparently because he wrote an article I wrote last year and attacked me even though he's never invited me on the show although he almost did I wrote an article for Daily Beast defending the Ahmed the teenage clock boy from Houston and he's saying this guy Dean Obi-Dahl I'll write this stuff and discount me these liberal apologists and holy shit you know but that's not why I have a problem with Bill I have a problem with Bill because he demonizes Muslims that's why I have a problem with Bill I want to ask you about that because I work for Bill for a very long time I think he's the bravest guy out there and I'll play dumb with you I'm gonna I'm gonna defend this is what I'm gonna do during this show sure I will not have a Muslim basher on the show I won't have a Trump supporter on the show I've tried it my listeners don't want it Roger Stone would you have Roger on? Nah Trump Maher had him on last night I wouldn't have him on because he's not real Yeah he plays people and I I'm gonna do this and then I promise my listeners I know I've been talking too much I apologize I talk too much on this show It's fine your show I know People tune in for you for David Feldman they turned it for you You're Dean of the Galaxy Do you have a theme song? Do you have a song? David Feldman Oh you should change the name of the song I thought it was really for me this is absolutely this is bull I mean I thought you wrote a song so everyone gets the same it's the same song it's changing the name it's Scott Blakeman Blakeman it's Scott very nice I'm gonna tell Scott And by the way you had Robert Klein on your radio show for SiriusXM a couple days ago and I'm jealous I'm jealous that you know Robert Klein I don't know personally he was through I've met him once before but Scott opens for him and it was through the SiriusXM talent department frankly that's how he get most of your guests there but he was really nice guy and a nice conversation Okay and you're a brilliant comedian you really are and you're a great writer you write for the Daily Beast you appear on CNN and you write for their website which is getting better and better I've noticed their website well they certainly give you a lot of leeway to to go after Donald Trump if you want there's no issue about that they cover CNN which is interesting I like the idea of a website that reports in writing what appeared on television which is kind of interesting okay what I'm gonna do on this show to get some answers from you is I'm gonna be a Trump defender and a Bill Maher defender go right ahead and and I'll tell you why because I thought about this before you came in I'm ignorant right now I really am I've been depressed I've been having trouble concentrating I start reading things and my mind wanders I can't even watch I have MSNBC on my phone and to me that's like a cheat sheet I can't even focus watching Rachel I really yeah and I I'm going through the character you're playing which is really this is the truth oh okay this is the truth okay the past three weeks I fell hear this I fell off my high horse right and life got to me and I go through the motions of reading The New York Times and The Daily Coase and hitting everything but I'm sleep walking through my life right now not good not good no which makes me susceptible to Trump so I'm gonna I think the way I'm gonna do this show with you today is I'm gonna I'm stupid I'm brain dead I'm depressed I'm frightened I'm ignorant I kind of know what's going on but I don't I can't think of a better way to have you on the show than using you you are the profile of many Trump voters absolutely really not happy and things haven't worked out and they want someone to tell them who's fault it is that's not their own okay so I'm gonna play the devil's advocate you got it or the idiot's advocate Bill Maher Bill Maher Bill Maher hates all religion true he has been demonizing the Muslims but he also demonizes Christianity he has a documentary called Religulus he's gone through the Koran with Sam Harris and Ursan what's your name whatever Asra Naumani or Ayan Harsiyali and they say you can look at the Koran and it's a violent religion and there's a problem it's not Muslim extremists right Muslims by their very nature in the Koran and Muhammad right or it's a violent religion that's what Bill Maher says sure Sam Harris is having Sam Harris talk to you about Islam like having Mel Gibson talk about Judaism or I was on CNN with Sam Harris and he was punch me and I said Sam getting advice from you on Islam like getting advice from about Black Lives Matter from Paula Dean he got so upset he was like what on life with Don Lemon it was beautiful because he had no idea this is where I was going to go because because I told the booker it's not going to be pleasant he's not going to enjoy this so he got and he wrote a whole article I called up to his diary his blog but I called it Sam's diary attacking me and all this up and then the next week when Bill Maher said me by name on his show so it was not a coincidence it all connected part of thing together there are people who here's the bizarre thing I bet you said Bill Maher and I probably agree on certain things about Islam and I bet you me and Sam Harris agree on a few things and he said a few things on that show with Don Lemon Sam Harris and Don Lemon on CNN right and he goes well that seems pretty fair I go it's fair and we can talk about this stuff but the messenger matters and I said we can't play a game and say the messenger doesn't matter if Mel Gibson really came on the show and said I want to reform today and made it great points about what should be changed do you like but you're Mel Gibson you've got a history of demonizing Jews how how can we ever take you series on this show there's no different Sam Harris or Bill Maher when Sam Harris said Islam is the mother load of all bad ideas game over there's nothing more you're going to say to make me and he said so much more than that about in favor of practical things I can favor profiling of Muslims because of our religion and he goes well even I would be profiled because I look kind of it's a weird bullshit Bill Maher to me Bill Maher argues on Islam the same way Sean Hannity does on Islam finding the worst examples and trying to define an entire group the same way they will call Black not Bill but the people on the right Black Lives Matters a terrorist group because they'll find a few going oh kill the cops and they'll go that's Black Lives Matters they're a terrorist group Bill does the same thing Bill Maher does the same thing with us by saying here are some terrible Muslims he has almost no Muslims on anymore he used to have Res Aslan rule Jabril they're gone after they argued with him on air the ones he brings on now are ones who agree with him like Asra and Amani and he had freedom but they didn't get into the issue of Islam Fareed Sicaria yeah from CNN right so you say you have to judge the messenger and I think Bill would say isn't Muhammad the messenger what's the different messenger isn't he called the messenger he is a prophet in the view in the view of Islam he's a prophet so so is Jesus Christ so is Moses so is Abraham so is Noah they're all prophets so are there they called Surah chapters yeah where he talks about there there is a version of Quran that is it's cherry picked with no understanding can seem scary there are many verses in the Quran there are many things in the Old Testament New Testament mainstream Muslim scholars and clerics have also the same thing that the Quran is not supposed to be cherry picked it's supposed to be looked at in a historical context of when it was revealed to the Prophet Muhammad over a 20 year period revelations from I mean from Jesus from God were given to the Prophet Muhammad so in this context of war this specific war going on so if you find these infidels if you find them there you kill them that's the only time I'm supposed to apply every mainstream Muslim agrees that there's no but here's the reality we won't talk about in America and I will talk about it here and I've talked about it on my show ISIS and al-Qaeda are not killing people in the west because of that version of Quran they're not killing them because of any version of Quran they're killing them because of the west has killed Muslims American Muslims have committed terrorism have invoked the same thing when the Sairnaw brother the one who was in the boat dying and wrote a note which they will reveal later you've killed Muslims and this is our way back in Orlando the guy went there and shot horrific terrorist attack called up and said you're bombing Muslims this is all revenge now does the Quran play a role no because the Quran actually argues against his eye for an eye mentality every clerk I've had on my show every scholar I've talked to the same thing it's it's much more tribal you've killed my people and here's the reality we don't have a counter-narrative because we have killed Muslims America has slaughtered thousands of Muslims this week right so we right so we're killing them and but we don't have a counter-narrative to explain why we did it and try to make a sense of it to people so instead we go the haters for our freedoms or there's a scary version of Quran that's not when Nidal Hassan and Ford Hood terror attack again invoke the idea you're killing Muslims this doctor right the doctor and Ford and that was a terrorist attack that wasn't a workplace violence I don't know why the Obama administration for a short time said the guy was clearly radicalized online by Al-Aqawi the American cleric I went to Yemen and we just killed his daughter yes and they don't even talk about that no we don't and we just we just killed his eight-year-old daughter an American citizen in Yemen yeah nobody talks about that why not because did you no one cares did you talk about it I don't think I talked about it on my show but I've talked about this concept many times about the idea that I've talked to a mom whose son joined ISIS on my show he was a Christian convert to Islam I mean he was a Christian convert to Islam young guy in Canada I've talked to other guys who have dealt with guys in ISIS who have been in prison and talked to them the the scariest thing about ISIS no let me let me pull back here sure because it's going to be I want to I want to stay focused here there was a botched raid on Yemen yeah the first week Trump was in the White House like it was a full week right and he said let's go in and take out some al-Qaeda operatives even though the Obama administration recommended against it they ended up killing the eight-year-old daughter of an American citizen named Alawaki yeah we killed him killed his son and killed his son the media never brought up that an eight-year-old don't take a picture excuse me for one second there's a reflection when you do that it won't work how did you even see him how did you even see him sorry I I didn't mean to snap at you I'm sorry you're a dick I am a dick both of you you enjoy you know okay tell your story because this is important here and keep that in by the way because it reveals a side of me that the audience should know they think I'm this progressive liberal do you see the way I snapped at them but it was in a helpful tone the kind of a tone where when I leave he's going to beat the shitty that's the kind of that was like don't do I've told I didn't know what happened he spanked me that's a whole different I spank him I spank Alex that's I thought I thought you were going to say don't tell me it stopped working again that's what I thought when you said don't because he was leaning I thought he didn't have a camera in his hand I thought he was leaning to go I'm sorry I didn't work in and I thought you were going to say don't tell me it didn't work again because he's not the podcast that's why he takes pictures because he's in the control you're only doing this for two years together so I mean yeah give him a break he doesn't know about the reflection we don't report things because it's inconvenient it is inconvenient what did we report about that attack in Yemen once navy seal and one us plane destroyed right that's what we talked about some media and some innocent and some collateral damage some mentioned 14 people some mentioned 20 it got no play they're muslims that doesn't matter when we kill this week now it looks at maybe 100 to 200 muslims in Iraq if you don't think that leads to radicalization then you're playing a denial game that's dangerous this is why Bill Maher has no understanding of Islam what city did we phone in an air strike in Iraq over it was Mosul Mosul and how many Iraqis died it's hard to say SMS are between 100 and 200 in a building that we blew up and now the narrative that I'm hearing is they died a couple of days after the air strike that the building had been weakened and you're smiling that's the story has changed I heard I first heard a story it was Al Qaeda killed them then I heard a story okay maybe we bombed them but we really didn't kill them to now it almost seems like an admission from our military that because in the fog of war things happen but the real debate is have the rules of engagement changed and the military saying it's not but the New York Times on the front page the other day said well you had two essence missions that were kind of known and you've had a lot of collateral damage Donald Trump who said Islam hates us who wants to ban all Muslims as he said in the campaign does not think much of Muslims he has Muslim business partners I've written about them for the Daily Beast but I don't think he cares if you're killing Muslims I don't think he cares and I don't think he cares what the result is does Americans does Americans care for we is learning do do we does Americans care is we learning about the number of Muslims we kill the Trump people will say fake media fake media fake media and my hackles well how dare you how dare you but there is fake media we do not cover the number of Muslims who are killed each week by the American military I don't know how much we're killing now I mean these two stories came out I'm not sure what we're doing in Syria we have Marines on the ground doing things a drone strike in Afghanistan yeah we don't get much press on that stuff we don't know what's going we don't know what's being done in our name on a day-to-day basis we know broad strokes and most Americans probably don't even follow the broad strokes they find the broadest strokes oh we won I'm going to dress up like a fighter pilot land on an aircraft carrier like bush oh we we took Kandahar like during that time but you are following this stuff I try to as much as possible where do you keep track of the scorecard how do you score the number of Muslims we are killing I'm on the ISIS email list so they go here here's more for you Dean you have to find it in the media and I find the media sometimes you'll find it and it's reported in New York Times is a good job about Juan Cole Juan Cole sometimes I'll see his tweets or something I'm not on his email unless I should be and he's a nice guy he's been he retweeted some of my articles over the years when I see stuff I get posted on Facebook to me on Facebook I have an ordinal amount of Muslim friends I mean probably it's not by I don't prevent non-Muslims from becoming my friends I have plenty of friends who aren't but I have three different Facebook accounts and probably 70% are Muslim and they're from all over the world in this state so anything with Muslims being killed I see right it's on my feet right okay let me give some context here where were you born New Jersey what part of New Jersey Lodi I mean in a hospital in Patterson I was raised in Lodi and then we moved to Paramus we immigrated I'm from Anglewood oh you are yeah oh cool Paramus shopping mall sure we have many malls there yeah but the the premise in this morning I was there visiting my mom she lives in Paramus I was just there literally a couple hours ago I'm supposed to go see my mother in Anglewood in Anglewood yeah very nice yeah you were raised in is Paramus Bergen County yep it is of course so we're both from Bergen County you so I was raised in a madrasa are you Palestinian I'm my dad's Palestinian I am Palestinian heritage and I'm also Italian heritage you're Palestinian Sicilian and Sicilian yeah no joke there there's many but no though I don't I couldn't possibly make a joke about the reality is the Sicilian side tempers no the Palestinian side tempers the Sicilian side people get this idea Palestinians are like crazy blowing stuff up that's not Palestinians are actually differential quiet people Sicilians oh my god that's a danger right there so is it true that during the Intifada the first one that the rocks came from Sicily isn't Sicily just all rocked there's a lot of I've been in Sicily once there was a lot of rocks I don't think they came from there but that would make all the sense of the world on some level the Sicilian side of my family is allowed off the handle screaming people the Arab side quiet differential just get along my father said to me when I was a kid like don't argue with your mother he goes look you can get out I'm stuck here the rest of my life type of thing that was sort of his view on things because don't rock the boat my mother's attitude was like if you want something this world go get it you have to if you have to take it I don't care if you have to steal it Chris Christie is Sicilian he's part half Sicilian and half bacon grease half exactly I was trying to think of Krispy Kreme but we were thinking the same lines there I think he's half Irish half Irish half Sicilian and you know Jersey got a lot of battalions a lot of Sicilians of course so grow up in my North Jersey it wasn't a big deal I want to get that one mind if I do some line of questioning here for sure okay under oath I'm no longer I'm no longer a Trump stupid Trump I'm David Feldman okay good so we're both from Bergen County your dad is Palestinian and your mother is Sicilian do you mind if I ask you some personal questions sure I won't have to answer them all though okay did your father come to America after the is it called the catastrophe the Nakba the catastrophe and there's a word in Arabic for the creation of the state of Israel what they call it the Nakba he came here in 1957 1957 57 so he was born from Palestine from he was in Jordan at that time he was born in the early 1930s in what was Palestine it was called Palestine there was no Israel then it was at the time under British control was a British mandate of Palestine so he was just a Palestinian born there he in 1948 the war happens and then he leaves oh he stays and then what happens is in this war Jordan takes control of the West Bank where he is after the war is over there's no more Palestine it's gone there's Israel and Jordan takes some Egypt takes some so he's in the West Bank and so that's technically part of Jordan in a way of knowing they didn't take it sovereignty but you can go back and forth so he went to Jordan to go work in Jordan like many Palestinians that's why he came to America from Jordan directly okay these are the rules of engagement on the show good okay no facts no no facts free like this you're gonna get the last word you're gonna give your version of events here's why here's why because we did a show explaining the situation in the Middle East oh that must have been with three Jews Jordan didn't get a motion at all I'm sure well because it was three Jews explaining the Middle East how'd that go very successful if but what they do but Jews don't mean there's no monolithic Jew I mean there are Jews involved it's just monotheism right right there there are Jews who are far right and there are Jews involved in the boycott divestment sanctions movement I mean you've got that the full spectrum right absolutely in fact we only get the Likud parties version of events in the United States you can America is where you don't hear about the labor party and so but there's a historical context that we outlined and I gave the Jewish version of events I'm gonna get pushback from my listeners because I'm gonna let you get the last word sure so I'm gonna ask you questions if you don't mind of course about the founding of Israel one of the most popular episodes we ever did was comics explaining Israel the situation in the Middle East it blew us away and it changed the direction of the show for 2017 we had three Jewish comics explaining the Middle East you have three Palestinian comics I know I can get you two others I would be more than happy to so what I'm gonna do now and my Jewish listeners do not send me emails complaining that I didn't argue pushback or fight I'm gonna ask questions and you're gonna get the last word I have to take a decongestant right now so I can have the energy no my nose is dripping and um but okay I will here's the reality when I took what the Palestinians really conflict because there's so much emotion involved I tend to give facts objective facts as much as possible I will tell people when I'm giving opinion but I know that you do it with Scott and it's very sure it's very it's very helpful you became a lawyer and you practiced law and you're a Palestinian do you identify Palestinian sure I identify the beauty of this country is you can be something and American Palestinian American Italian American Muslim American all this stuff and do you pay close attention to what's going on in Gaza and the West Bank I do I have friends who play more attention I probably pay more than 98% of Americans do but there's others I mean my fiancé is Israeli I mean she's born in Haifa she's Palestinian a Muslim but she's born in Israel so wow I mean she's reading the Israeli every day I'm hearing Hebrew in our apartment she watches the Hebrew news and she speaks Hebrew oh Hebrew and Arabic she's an actress she was on TV in Israel and speaks Hebrew she just got back she's two episodes of Transparent here with Jeffrey Tambor she literally got in yesterday from doing that but she did stuff I saw the Israeli Palestinian version he just wears a burqa like that but no she performed over there for years I mean she went to Haifa University she was born and raised in Israel came to America when I kidnapped her of course I took her here again she was on Israeli Sesame Street she played an Arab character on Israel Sesame Street wow and she spoke in all in Hebrew in Israel all the characters are Oscar the Grouch everybody's like it's weird though she kidnapped Elmo that was kind of weird in the script made her kidnap Elmo and then rancid him off I'm like wow that was kind of but I'm all like wow I'm all lovely having a Palestinian playing so so no I've been there do they count to six million is that how it works we're going to have the six million figure so I see the conflict from a myriad different points yeah because the Palestinian point of view of my families in the West Bank is different than the Arab-Israeli point of view like my fiance okay so let me interrogate you go ahead right okay we're at a border I approve my pedigree I think I'm ready we're at a border crossing now where let's say the West Bank the West Bank okay okay been through them let me let me ask you some quick questions because I have a let me interrogate you please go ahead do it with an Israeli accent where have you been are you going what is happening this is going to be very edifying to the listeners so you're about to marry a Palestinian woman who's an Israeli citizen right well we've been engaged for years so I'm going to say we're not engaged for years and she's an actress any day we're going to get where we live together for years she's Palestinian and Muslim and Muslim and Muslim one fifth of Israel proper as I understand it if you exclude the West Bank Gaza and the Golan Heights one fifth of the population is Palestinian is Arabic right they're Arab Arab heritage Arab heritage they do not identify as Jews no they're not they're either Muslims or Christian okay by like Nazareth area I've been to it's very Christian that's in northern Israel okay you're soon to be wife an eventual ex-wife right is Israeli she speaks Hebrew okay perfectly with no accent she speaks it in Arabic her third language is English which she now speaks very well does she vote in the when she was home she may have but there's a whole debate there because her brother has a radio show in Israel he's kind of known and he's of the mindset don't vote don't get your complicit in this whole thing if you if you vote but at the same time he's friends with one of his cousin is Arab who's a member of the parliament over there a member of the Knesset and I actually interviewed him by email he didn't speak English well enough so there's two schools of thought in fact oddly enough the leader of the BDS movement from the Palestinian side what is BDS a boycott the vestment sanctions movement okay um is a Palestinian guy in the West Bank who tells Israeli Arabs you gotta vote okay let me interrogate you go ahead go ahead does she vote I think she had at some point but I'm not now they're coalitions so nobody would the Arab party's done pretty I wrote about they did pretty well in the last election there is an Arab party in the Israeli Knesset the parliament and what does that mean an Arab party there's a party that were and I'm not sure if anyone is Jewish is in it or not I am not positive right now but it was definitely a party that was I think its name is Ballad which means like town in Arabic but it was a party of Israeli Arabs then and most of them identify as Palestinian some might not you know but they're Arab are there members of the Knesset the Israeli parliament who are Arab sure of course yeah and they represent they represent their district wherever they're from I mean they represent just like in parliament they have their district so they represent arguably they would represent their district which is mostly predominantly Arab so we're sending them there right to represent their views and they Knesset as I understand it they the Arab Israelis are treated as second-class citizens in Israel it depends you talk to I think in a broad stroke that's the response you will get from them and but if you go there would you see no Arabs allowed not there have been some reports and Haritz which I read a lot the Israeli paper it's like the New York Times right of some extreme right wing like rabbi guys like way to the right putting things up no Arabs wanted on their stories and stuff like that that's the extreme that's not the typical experience you're gonna see there and you've been to Israel how many times or Palestine Trump in Israel twice and I've been to Palestine twice I call one I have a lot of questions I want to ask sure sure okay but I can tell you what the second class is about and how it really works on a practical level well well let me well go right ahead let me interrogate it's your interrogation okay I'm interrogating you did your fiance serve in the Israeli military no did her brother no heard she has two brothers neither did were they drafted no no they they don't have to if you're of Arab heritage you don't have to serve are there Arabs who serve in the Israeli military it's my understanding there are some who've chosen to serve yes they do choose to serve in the Israeli if you don't you don't have the same way the ultra orthodox I think were exempted from service they've changed that recently yeah how do you prove that you're an Arab or or a Palestinian and not an Israeli because you if you're Jewish you're not if you're Arab and Jewish I don't think that exception applies I think it's probably I don't know the definition of it it's a good question I don't know if it's by like if you're not Jewish you don't have to serve and that's where the line comes because there are Arab Jews and they and I'm sure they're serving who are because they you know they moved to Israel to be a part of Israel so but it's it's more the Arab Christians and Arab Muslims who are not serving because there are many I've met believe me if I were in Israel I'd figure out a way to to not serve can you be a can you be a Jew and just claim that you're an Arab no you can be ethnically you can be Arab and Jewish that's not an issue in our Arab in our I produced the New York Arab American Comedy Festival we've done 13 years my friend and me soon we've had many Jewish Arabs in our festival they're American they're they're Jewish and Arab my phone Noel Grobley from LA comes in every year there's been others too you can be Muslim is a religion you can be any race you can be white and black I mean Muslim the Arab is an ethnicity so you could be any religion be Buddhist I know Arab Buddhist I know Arab Muslims and Jews and Christians everything so that's different one of the problems with prejudice and bigotry is once you get to meet the other person who you've been raised to hate there are many things that happen one of them is you become friends you become fascinated right and then the your sister marries one or your brother marries one that's trouble and there's intermar... I mean that's the whole babies and there's the whole questions how do you raise them yeah and that's why there's little prejudice in Manhattan the island of Manhattan is the least prejudiced place in the world because we're all on top of each other and we hate everybody I... why should I hate you for being black when I hate you because you smell of garlic right and you're breathing getting in the subway like that fucking jerk like that right exactly I don't hate you because you're black I hate you I don't like the way you smell it's very specific in New York yeah I like our bigotry you have to earn it it's not like a broad stroke and there is bigotry in New York because we all know but I agree with you so your point is Jews and Arabs don't meet each other well they do but they do in Israel they do in Haifa where Hen lives my fiance's name is Hen H-E-N-D on her floor in the building their apartment building they're in there are Jews and Arabs living in this building together they get along they get along fine their buddy's growing up it's not a big deal but when there's a wall well that's between the West Bank and right now there are within Israel there are pockets of Arabs who are like slums like in Lid and and Nazareth not so Nazareth is almost all Arab it's Arab Christian it's pretty it's somewhat flourishing they're doing okay when you talk to Israeli Arabs or Palestinians in Israel they'll tell you that they feel like they have less opportunity what the discrimination is subtle because Arabs don't serve in the military and my my fiance's actually working on one person's show which hopefully be ready soon frankly about being in Israeli Arab which is a unique experience the discrimination is much more subtle they'll say like she has in her show and it's a true story she went to work at a restaurant and they go we only hire military service and what it does they know that means Arabs don't serve in the military that's their way of discriminating around that's actually for the ads in the newspaper wow military service required to be a waitress and she goes why she went to them and she didn't understand it she goes well I'm not going to serve in the military it's great you can hire me you don't have to lose me because part of it was the idea like if you you get the job before you do your service just leave us but the way of doing the discrimination against the Arabs saying taking military service for jobs which didn't matter it wasn't like you're doing something in national security that's where it comes in like her brother that's really interesting it's subtle it's it's no different than laws on their face are neutral it's application right that changes things there are Israeli Arabs who are doing great there who love being in Israel there are some who are very upset and feel like they've been screwed their whole life and some have committed terrorist attacks we've seen that within Israel it's horrible is that the fifth column is what they some people will call on that yes some would say that that's certainly a broad stroke view of of 20 percent of the country who are most of them just living their lives one fifth of the country is the fifth column it would be a lot that would be a lot if that was really going if it was that let me ask you about let me continue this line of questioning sure as I understand it the 20 the 20 percent of the Arabs who live in let's say Israel proper they while they relate to the people living in Gaza and the West Bank this is from what I understand sure they are terrified of the people living in the West Bank in Gaza because if this is I'm just repeating what you were told by Net Yahu sent you an email about this the you're saying the Israeli Arab I will tell you this the Israeli Arabs I've spoken to have no interest in living in the West Bank or Gaza I can tell you that I think the people who live in Gaza have no interest in living in Gaza right and that's a different story but the for people like Hend my fiancee and her brother who's a lawyer a smart guy for them the idea of a two state solution means makes no sense to them one state where everyone lives together the way they do in Haifa because I was the example we live in Haifa everyone lives here we're all getting along they're Jews and Muslims owning businesses together it's fine it's your democracy one person one vote type of thing now that undermines having a Jewish state and their goal is not destruction the Jewish state because Jalal who if he comes back to New York I'll try to get him to come here you'd like him a lot he was on my show cause a lot of anchor from people on the even on the left who were Jewish by him he just speaks openly about his own experience he does not even put it in opinion because this is what happens to me and they get upset because there's some people don't want to hear about about what goes on in Israel like just like some Americans don't want to hear about us killing people in other places I'm not equating it to them saying the idea you want to have this vision of what the U.S. military is doing you want this vision of what Israel is doing and when things go up against it either you're going to have cognitive dissonance and just ignore it or you're going to be troubled by it and it's going to give you aljana let me as I I do a radio show with Ralph Nader I heard this is cool I like a big admire I love Ralph Nader the only thing we disagree on is Israel right and he is I mean this this is not a joke Ralph Nader to me is God wow and I'm not joking around that's not hyperbole but you really like this guy I get I have said on this show and it's unfair to put Ralph Nader on that pedestal but I do believe that if you do what Ralph says to do you will live the perfect life wow and I grew up where my parents said ask Ralph we they didn't know him but they would he would fill out their ballots for you that's a fact you would get ballots in the mail from Ralph Nader telling you how to vote and my father said to me that's your hero and I went who is he and he said you better find out because that's your hero it's remarkable well it is but it's true I'm not doubting it but I'm saying it's remarkable I have never heard this type of well it's true and because Ralph believes that government is our temple that if you have issues democracy take it to the state legislature take it to the city council that is the only way we can all live together and religion essentially is a set of rules that's that's what the Old Testament is that's what the Talmud is they are instructions on how to live and those instructions are in my case since I'm Jewish they're you know 3,500 years old they don't I'm sure a twitter and uber stuff like that who knows how to deal with any of that so we have to kind of vote right and use democracy as a way to establish a set of principles and laws on how we treat one another so everything Ralph preaches is correct and true and righteous except well he's very critical of Israel and my generation probably either has to change or die off because I've got the Holocaust on my mind and my kids don't and they're very critical they're Jewish they've been bar mitzvah they're very critical of Israel they agree with Ralph American Jews who are millennials have a lot of questions about Israel and they don't see it through the prism of the Holocaust that's interesting and I'm so that's my perspective right the one state solution to me is so out of the question but as I'm hearing you I'm thinking well maybe with enough time I don't know to me I'm in favor of two states I've been in favor of a for a long time for two states I don't know if two states can happen as a practical matter maybe it has to be something like a federation type of thing or something where all right help my listeners that because you're speaking in a shorthand right and I'm speaking in a shorthand and the value of a podcast is we don't have to talk in shorthand right we can really explain this to people and they want it and that and podcasting is different from serious access certainly yes there's we have we can breathe here there is Israel 20 percent of Israel is Arab right and their citizens and then there are the West Bank Gaza Strip and the Golan Heights right a two state solution which is what the Oslo Accords like 96 93 pretty sure why don't we say we're both semites make it 95 right we'll split the difference 94 and a half that's what I'm going to give you Feldman could be 96 for some reason 93 jumped in my head I'm not sure when in any event Carter in the 90s not Carter Bill Clinton president right we know Bill Clinton who's president Clinton who's saying from Jordan right Arafat and Shamir and Perez yeah I think on the White House lawn shaking hands that's when the Palestinians were given the authority over the occupied territories yes and in exchange the Palestinians in their covenant are supposed to renounce the idea of destroying Israel except Israel as a state and that they were going to contemplate that and they divide up the West Bank the three sections A, B, and C where the Palestinians have autonomy over A joint autonomy with Israel over B and Israel keeps C area but it was envisioned then that ultimately the West Bank in mass parts for a few things would become and the Gaza would become a Palestinian state I don't know if Golan Heights was involved probably not at all but I want my listeners to see the geography before we go to the next step because we have time here right so I want to do this this is important and you can't do this on live television no and you can't do it on the radio and you can't do it on satellite radio you can only do it on a podcast so I'm going to I'm going to stay with you on this sure the geography the West Bank is to the east of Israel and to the west of Jordan Gaza is to the south of Israel to the north of Egypt and the Gaza Strip belonged at one time to Egypt the West Bank at one time until 1967 that war the West Bank belonged to Jordan and was taken by the Israelis right before and before 48 the West Bank was just part of the Palestinian mandate that the British had the mandate it was just called Palestine you know it was the British mandate of Palestine so when the war broke out in 1948 Jordan as I understand invaded I think a bunch of Arab countries are four or five and they took the West Bank for themselves they did the war I mean the war happened and then there was some kind of armistice and how it played out internally I have no idea they go we get that but Israel got their land they go okay this is our country now and Jordan's like we're going to keep this and I guess so they kept the West Bank and there were about two million Palestinians who became Jordanian I'm not sure of the number the number could have been that high because at the time of this creation of Israel there was 1.3 million Palestinians and 600,000 Israelis or Jews who were wanted to be Israelis so it couldn't have been that mum that number at 48 but it was a lot okay so so what the Oslo Accords that Clinton had negotiated said Yasser Arafat who was head of the PLO would now be in charge of something called the Palestinian Authority which was their government that was set up in the West Bank and it was the first time that the Palestinians would be self-governing or begin to have a taste that's condescending but a taste of governing themselves I would have to think that's fair to say because under the mandate of before when the British had as a mandate I'm not sure what kind of self-governing they allowed like on a local level and before the British took it it was under the Ottoman Empire's control for a long period of time and I have no idea how much self-control to understand the time the chronology it wasn't until the mid to late 90s that Yasser Arafat and the Palestinians were holding elections were policing themselves definitely that's it was the Israelis who were policing the Palestinians after the Oslo Accords the Palestinians had to collect the garbage they had a right they did taxing they did everything they had a government they had a government right they had a government that was kind of overseen by the Israelis it was it was like a colony right is that a fair state statement it's hard for me to say on the ground what was going on there I have no idea to be honest if it was like they truly had autonomy the way it was contemplated in Oslo in certain areas or if it was always with the oversight of the Israeli military I don't I just don't know the answer right but they had elections yeah and there was like a Palestinian parliament and there were parties parties you see right a political party they've been like fun parties and fun parties it was probably fun parties yet there were political parties in my understanding I can't remember then and the way and the geography was the insanity of it was because there was a diaspora of Palestinians you had two non-contiguous territories Gaza yeah and the West Bank that's not good not good I have a good formula for our state now and geography creates a culture so there is a culture in the West Bank of Palestinians and there's a culture in Gaza of Palestinians and over time as I understand it Hamas came out of Gaza they certainly that's where their stronghold was they may have had some people in the West Bank I'm not sure but their stronghold was Gaza and and and like like any party at the beginning of a nation Hamas is a terrorist organization that does a lot of good and is a political party the same way that the Ergun when the when Israel was founded was a terrorist organization that did a lot of good the PLO became went from a terrorist organization to a political party people things do evolve I mean certainly Yuzhak Shamir and Menachem Begin were terrorists at one point absolutely the British had them on their on their list of most wanted absolutely and ultimately they evolved into world leaders and diplomats so people do that I mean there's certainly people who are in the founding of America who were considered revolutionaries and rebels and the British would consider them terrorists there's no doubt George Washington was considered a terrorist to the British he didn't fight fairly they hid behind trees they that's a fact they didn't go into field of battle and have this kind of kind of nice battle where we kill each other nicely and then you get off the field of battle and there's some kind of nobility involved or nobilities not the right word but the sense of like it's it's it's appropriate right right so I'm saying yes and things but that's where yeah and so is that history the history although we don't know if it's 93 or 90 our history we agree that from the mid to late 90s to the present that is the that's the situation right and also the east Jerusalem which you add into there which companies isn't that part of the west bank or not it's hard to say right now frankly I'm not really sure where it is yes it was contemplated that at one point that would be the capital of the palestinian state okay and explain the demographic nightmare the time bomb of of of what's going on in israel because after the catastrophe of 48 what's the what's the word nakba they call an arabic where they call it a catastrophe from the palestinian point of view it's a nakba from the Israeli point of view it's a day of of independence there were refugee camps set up after that in lebanon sure been there really yeah i'm in the sabr shatila really yes that's a whole okay hold on to the discussion that's another okay so there are palestinian refugees who spread out all over the middle east came to new jersey my dad came to bergen county new jersey of all the places yes like like seeds like like sort of holding up dandelion or so the lucky ones went to lebanon the unlucky ones had to go to new jersey it's a lateral movement lateral movement best for my dad going from for tour in middle east in new jersey so he was the first one who's found me to come here and then he brought the rest over like most immigrants down okay where are the refugee camps they're refugee camps in lebanon it's not like a camp like people think it's not tense and stuff we're not talking about what you're seeing now with the Syrian refugees in iraq or turkey especially turkey and jordan they're little community sabershetil is a thriving community with a lot of energy i mean their stores and people walking around it's not it's not this vision of a refugee camp of tense and people groveling for food on the ground okay there's a vibrant a little are they citizens of lebanon or are they my understanding no and they can't even get jobs unless no lebanese wants and if they get a job then the lebanese can throw them out of their jobs and they're identified as what then palestinians living in lebanon and were they were they put there after 48 or did king hussain of jordan send them there after what is it the black oh black septembers hold on my uncle's killed on that that's a whole different discussion there's too many topics here David why why where you're unpacking the entire you know it's all right my uncle was involved i'm doing a geography what i'm doing what i'm doing so my listeners know what so you know is people don't have a lay of the land right they don't see they don't they don't see the geography and without saying the geography they're not going to understand the situation you cannot understand we're talking about land we're you know it's two peoples fighting over a land so unless you can see the land and where the people are and why they are where they are you're not going to understand israel so so let me continue this interrogation sure but here's the thing i have no idea who was sent anywhere i can tell you in the case of my fiance that her family because they were in in what it was palestine but now israel proper hypha for generations when the war happened they fled to lebanon then they snuck back because you really couldn't sneak back if you had hypha hypha is by the sea it's it's it's it's on the western end of israel right so they snuck back because literally had to sneak back because if you had left you lose your land whatever you have it was taken by the new israeli government right so they were able to sneak back and then that's how come she was able she was ultimately born there you know decades later or something so um that's so no one told them to leave some were told to stay some were told to leave i have no idea what king was saying told i'm not sure you know i'm not denying behavior told them go there there's this kind of story told that the arab countries don't accept the palestinians because it's all some kind of strategy to destroy israel they don't accept the palestinians because they were taking the jobs away from the local people it's no different than america and donald trump telling the people unemployed in america you're losing your job to these people out of the country right jordan's done it i've been a jordan many times jordan's on its best now to embrace palestinians and have them become part of the fabric of their society it's really been great and queen ronius palestinian and king abdullo i've met it several times and i've been to the comedy festival in jordan for the king for like three years so you know i've been to jordan countless times it's different there they're doing it lebanon it's still a little bit backwards but the palestinians have gone everywhere and they've been welcomed and then thrown out in certain places after certain wars new jersey is a pretty good place are the palestinians their version of islam sheite suni no suni they're all suni that's the weird thing when iran helps hamas they they shouldn't be that's how desperate hamas is because these fundamental suni muslims don't like the shia they maxi they're going to kill them over their their sect of islam but they really have a different view of them it's not like in america where suni and shia i don't care i have friends who are shia that means nothing to me and that's a geographic thing suni is saudi arabia egyptian suni is almost all the muslim world shia has a very small sub sect predominantly in iran you've got parts of lebanon because hezbollah is there and you have other pockets of shia islam in iran in iraq you have some shia that's a big that's the biggest group right there that's when let's not change the conversation but when you get rid of a saying you've allowed the shias to get so so this gets back to what i'm saying Yemen, Bahrain, their shias saudi has some but it is geography it really is geography because the sunis grew up around saudi arabia that's where it emanated from there's no that's where it emanated from right the prophet muhammad that's where it emanated from and then shia was a split later on about who do you follow as the new leader of islam who's going to be the next you know caliph or the leader and that's Muhammad's brother or something the brother-in-law Ali the shia just means followers of ali that's the whole thing i mean and that's such a ridiculous thing well but it's geography because it it came out of persia which is far away right the shia no no no it's not they came out of the same place ali was there ali no he was the brother-in-law of prophet muhammad they were all in saudi this is a political thing this is they later divided and then the sunnis so how dare you shias have your own leader how dare you do this now it's in persia or oran it wasn't there then they were all together they were all in this little thing that you know then prophet muhammad dies and abhubakar becomes an x caliphate people like but ali should be it and they're like it should be not like a monarchy someone's like well that's like a monarchy but in order to select the person so but in order for my listeners to understand it it's a it is in many ways a geographic territorial which one the palestinian israeli conflict or the divisions within islam both i i'm not sure the palestinian israeli conflict is certainly a land dispute with religious undertones and overtones and but you can but saudi arabia and oran hate each other now that that's right this is all different because this is modern day because shia moved east they they have their realms because they have political disputes and they use religion just like the sunni leaders use it to oppress their people in other countries they use religion to divide each other and to rally around and that's why they're concerned about oran is in is imperialistic they want to export what they want as well as their buddy it works out great you have the game of thrones on playing out in the middle east like i've you've never seen before like siri is a horrible killing field because all these proxy wars going on there's very little part of me that actually believes that saudi and oran have promised because one is shia muslim and one is sunni they have promised because they both have different interests and they're using weapons to deal with those interests okay and they're fighting in yemen over the same thing yemen is a proxy war right now what's going on there were oran is supporting i think it's the houthis or marsha and the sunnis are in there and saudi isn't supporting them and yemen is attached is contiguous to saudi arabia and so the saudi arabians would want a sunni government and oran wants the shia government because it's more power it's more power this is their access to all political everything in the middle east is political religion plays a role but there are leaders in the middle east who use who will use islam to stifle dissent and say if you my friend bossam usif is a comedian he was the john strip the middle east and we're good friends you're just in town recently his whole story i i wrote about it many times the leader of is of each of the time morsey said you're making fun of me you've made fun of islam literally that was some of the charges islamic brotherhood muslim brotherhood yeah and making it so you're making fun of islam and he got arrested my friend it was detained for six hours ultimately released because he was famous so he was lucky if he wasn't now under cc who's very secular killing journalists just killing but you go to jail you're gone you make fun of the ministry you can't you're just gone it's it's i think potentially worse than brotherhood but i'm not sure because i didn't live there during that time these guys want power they'll use islam for power ices uses islam for power al-qaeda the biggest thing if anyone takes anything out of this conversation is that all of these groups use islam for their own benefit and for oppression for power for violence for terrorism and they will pretend it has to do with islam what it has to do with power the simplest thing so in america we're trying to believe that the split in the middle east is between secular government controlled by the military versus a free and open democracy which can only lead to religious oppression of one religious group over the rest that that in turkey and egypt we're brainwashed into believing and i believe this that you need the military in turkey and egypt to prop up a secular government because left to their own devices these people will always choose the religious mob they could they could i mean that we had in egypt that free election and they voted for the muslim brotherhood now my friends who live in kairu it's like red state blue states all my friends who live in kairu on the city all wanted the secular government they didn't vote for the muslim brotherhood you go to the rural areas and that's who got the muslim brotherhood when you choose the secular government you're choosing no i'm then this election was different this was an actual real election when they elected more that was a real election jimmy carter think was there this was a first and only probably fully fair election is in egypt's history almost and they chose the muslim brother that they did that and but if you did a map like an america red state blue state the cities were all voting for the other candidates who were not religious but there was more of the rural people in the red states the red part of the country who wanted this religious muslim brotherhood and the military as i understand it is against the muslim brother at first they let them have their government until things didn't work out and then ultimately they took power again and and the military to me egypt is using the turk the turkish model the ataturk model of the 1920s where you need a secular government propped up by the military to get rid of the religious influences is that a fair it's yeah but at the same time see we're not seeing this but cc will invoke islam for justifications for things i mean these guys all islam is intertwined in their daily life over there um it's it's part of their constitution it's part of who they are and so bill marr i believe we're getting back to marr well no no no no i'm talking about the brainwashing that goes on in the united states and part of my brainwashing is that you cannot bring democracy to the middle east this is the brainwashing i understand the it's it's ataturk we're not going to like the democracy they're going to have well it's gaza it's what happened in gaza hamas won they had elections in 2004 2005 in gaza and hamas won which is an extremist right almost like the muslim brotherhood i mean the muslim brotherhood gave us al-qaeda is that fair from my understanding yes they did the muslim brother today will tell you they're not a violent group at all they have nothing to do with violence but the ophthalmologist who was osama bin laden's business partner the hillman cohen who's the guy he's still alive um he's an egyptian doctor right i see him on tv all the time i can picture him with this turban and yeah i don't know but but he was bin laden's you know uh paul mccartney to his john lenin but they so they came out of the the muslim brotherhood uh in egypt right they were locked up by the the muslim brother i mean bin lad obviously came from saudi went to afghanistan fought there things didn't work out got really upset that there were you know western troops on saudi land and all that kind of stuff there's a lot going on there but the but the teachings the wahhabist teachings of saudi have had an influence in where we're going yeah and that we're we're the the saudis have exported wahhabist which is extreme it's not terrorism inherently it's not it's extreme form conservative form of islam where even islamic scholars have told me the best way of putting it that they are bringing people off into the doorstep of violence through the what they're teaching them there very us versus them mentality they exported that to build mosques in america the saudis they did in the 80s and 90s there's no doubt about it undisputed what do you mean they're funding it like people want to build muslims came here from other countries and there's no mod my dad when i was growing there were no mosques in our area so some people like we want to build mosques and someone would know from someone from saudis will give you the literally give you the money but then we want you to teach this conservative form of islam wahhabism exactly in your mosque in america that played a role in america at certain time there's a complete rebellion against that now i didn't know this yeah well that's why i'm here so most so i don't know most some mosques definitely were influenced by their the money was coming from saudis for wahhabists much more conservative and that's the kind of islam they want taught here because that was their view of islam it's not like the saudis think wow we're the most conservative form of islam no we're the right form of islam that's what they think and they want this form of islam taught everywhere that's their view like evangelical christian will tell you that's their view and disagree horribly will say a catholic who might be more like easygoing about stuff that kind of things um they they just view as the right form of islam the only form not right let me understand this about 300 years ago the saud family made a holy alliance with the wahhabi sect of islam in saudi arabia as a form of control right that's what it seems like so wahhabism was a partnership between the the saudi royal family to stay in power to stay in power and because wahhabism is a very oppressive form of the religion is i it's very certainly very extreme i can tell you that i mean they justify women not being able to drive they're the only muslim country that does that of 50s plus it's just insane stuff so the saudi family was able to keep its power with its own police and a religion that policed its own right yep using religion people in power using religion to stay in power the saudi's had a lot of money because of oil and about 300 years ago do they have oil in i'm not i'm talking about like in the past 100 years so when you have muslims coming to america they need mosques it just so happens that saudi arabia has so much money because of oil 80s this is actually what this is about 80s and 90s they were building mosques you know they were funding it and then my understanding was it the bin laden construction family it very well could have been but i i don't even know i'm not saying it is or it isn't but very well could have been who knows wow and they were funny so they would say and this was told to me by moms who were around at the time that the Saudis want okay we're going to give you the money you build this beautiful mosque people like oh this is great but we want you to have clerics who teach this form of so do we know how many shia mosques and how many suni mosques are in the united states i don't know if anyone's ever done that breakdown solely overwhelmingly suni i mean the shia's just a minority it's a minority part of islam um i don't know but it's going to be much smaller i but as i understand that islam a suni i'm pretty sure if i remember correctly it might be around there i'm okay it just comes to my 90 i could be wrong but i usually go to the trigger something like 90 i think that's right i'm not all right so a one state solution in israel would the fear that my generation has is gaza egypt morsi erdogan in turkey who kind of runs counter to otta turk right he's a little bit more religious now it seems they're having more he was very secular at one point seems erdogan has moved over and when they had that little coup he appealed to the religious people to come out in the streets again using religion for power this is a theme that i saw people well anything they think about the use of islam to keep power or take power is over and over and over again and it's accepted by people not for that part of the world because they're used to that you know the same way the crusaders use christianity to try to take land and take control well so i mean how how different is it when you see so it's not about religion religion is the rallying cry religion is the thing that religion is so powerful people give money for it they will give their life for it they will kill for it they will do horrible things the name of it all thinking they're doing something good when i was reading this really good book about the crusades i think it was pope urban who his rallying cry to christians the godly pope urban only lives in the country that's it he was the irony but when you read his plead to christians to go to crusades it's not they called the muslims infidels i mean that's where this term comes from infidels comes from them right if you are not a christian you are an infidel you are non believing christianity to go there hit the speeches you read and they were translated in this great book almost no different than the ices rallying cry right we're being a prayer they're taking our people we have to go there they're killing christians we have to go there and do this stuff it didn't matter what was really going on there was no internet there was no even news people like oh my god that's horrible let's raise money because pope urban needed the money and needed the power religion is used for the worst thing which i think religion can be great i like religion i actually think religion me too at its best brings out the best in people like when it's done unless your religion is really bad but if your religion is like about doing good things it's it's great um it's unfortunate is so how do you see a solution if you were oh in the middle east conflict palestinians really conflict i mean you know i think a u type of thing a federation i i think you can't even divide the land up anymore i don't even know how you do that there's too many settlements are you talking about israel israel palestinic i don't know what you can do i mean you can label some part of it palestine and in between you have israeli settlements and then you're like here palestin here's your land and it's it's these little you know like batastan's like there's a little sovereignty and it's not a contiguous state or do you do a federation and go look where israel and your palestine loosely we're going to have some common parliament we can elect people to that and so i'm i'm thinking out of the but i'm just trying to get out of the box because two states was what i was advocating forever like i don't know what people ask me all the time i go i have no and i have no answer anymore i have no clue what the answer is i don't think one states answer but two states i don't think practically be the answer so we have to think beyond that i mean with trump's like everyone who gets a state here you got to say two states where everyone you're in state you want your those eight million states it's gonna be huge trump film you know like my little condos that's what it seems like which i'm like you want a state you got two i don't care whatever state eight hundred thousand states why two three states like iraq why don't they just make a three separate states for the iraq yeah i think they effectively are aren't they and some level i mean i'm not sure but certainly courage of their own no one's going to Kurdistan and telling the Kurds what to do they got their own thing up there right and the she has to do their thing and as soon as they're look the middle east was drawn by western powers after war one and go here's this here's this here's this enjoy yourselves have fun this should work out well you know watch Lawrence of Arabia watch the very end with you know psychs and pico sitting there like we're dividing up the middle east but Lawrence of Arabia's Lawrence like i bet i told these guys they have their own sovereignty is like i shut up sit down right so the the middle east is not organically people coming together there are tribes of people living around this area and now it becomes a Saudi now it becomes a Jordan for transjordan and Jordan it becomes here's Palestine here's israel it's again the western powers going we're gonna have israel here now well intention after the holocaust makes complete sense i get it but without any regard for the indigenous people in all these places we're gonna here's lebanon let's draw it up here you have christians and muslims there they're not getting along did they even know that did the western powers that drew up lebanon even know that i have no idea i just don't know wow this is so interesting we had dan pasturnak on we know that name he's a network executive but one of the good ones all right he's how we only no because i have to go do comedy in your comic book at five o'clock i'm doing this first spot dammit i told him but no we don't like an hour and 15 minutes this is like the longest usually you get like a water break and call my lawyer after this point this long of interrogation how much time do i have with you like like well five or six because i'm like usually the first spot the show started five okay you know what the problem is we're on central time oh that's why i that's we never move the clock i honestly oh my god you actually thought that was but we've been here since i know but he didn't put he's supposed to say chicago oh and so it's not my fault alex it's always your fault all right then you'll you'll come back sure not after the show i got this but yeah i will come back another day we can mean scott or if you want to have a thing if you're in if you're daring enough i what and to have three like my friend may soon as i is a comedian very funny yeah um she's more she's more to the right than i am i'm left right what does right mean i'm liberal in everything she will give you views on she goes to west bank every year she runs a camp for disabled kids she has cerebral policy she will give you things that are going to upset people who are supportive israel they've never heard these stories i can assure you what everything she's saying is true but her opinions are definitely skewed much more she doesn't she believes in two states too but she doesn't believe it's ever gonna happen now so um i'm progressive in everything like i'm a true progressive i know progressives who are progressive in everything except for israel palestine and they their views change there maybe a little more hawkish or something bizarre way way to the left or something um i'm pretty consistent on my views but you can have her i'm treating another one whoever you you bring you bring it as george w bush said bring him on bring on and and you can generalize and i think your listeners will be challenged and hopefully informed and some might even be enlightened or at least some might be more questioning it's not it's not that it's the way it's sold to us a lot of times but you know my goal is trying to figure out ways that we can somehow live together yeah can i i'm gonna say something because i'm gonna let i'm gonna let you go i'm gonna let your people go right but and then you get the last word and and by the way thank you we didn't get to the stuff about trump it's about trump and this is what i want to end on trump and then you get the last word we both grew up in bergen county i'm the grandson of four immigrants who came to america and when you come to america you're supposed to leave it behind otherwise go back there human nature is to bring our grudges with us our grudges unfortunately define us but part of the american experience is leave it behind fresh start this is new the sin that trump committed the unamerican sin that he has committed is to dredge up the grudges and the resentments and it is the worst thing he could do you and i are americans and the role of americans is to be a beacon to the middle east to say how come a jew and an arab can get along so well in the united states there's something wrong with you look how well look look at all the look at how all the arabs in america are welcomed they're not terrorists there's no home grown islamic american terrorists there's white christian right we've had some some terrorists though but because of what we're doing because of what we do overseas that's the round that's not because of what we do yet right to muslims in america they're doing it because of what we're doing overseas after 9 11 they said to us i remember reading this the difference between america and europe is the muslims have been absorbed into the country that's very very true and they'll never be problems in america the way they have in england and france because muslims are not considered second-class citizens in the united states what trump is doing is he's creating homegrown terrorists last word i have to say that i agree with you that donald trump is destroyed what i think is the promise of this country which makes this country special the idea that it's welcoming regardless of your background your religion your race your ethnicity that donald trump is pitted people against each other in a sectarian form the same way i've seen middle east leaders do similarly do with the same power and keep control by turning religions on each other and saying we're the right religion they're not when donald trump said we're going to let christian refugees in and not muslims that is the mirror of what an isis person would say about you know the christians want to kill you and they're bad and the muslims are the ones we have to protect and it's stunning and it's scarier that so many americans i don't mean just in the election i mean opinion polls that almost half of americans agreed with a muslim band and i'm not talking about GOP voters i'm talking two-thirds of GOP voters agreed with the muslim band the overall muslim band almost half the time trump was talking about it sometimes when americans get afraid i think we lose our values at the end i think those good people will come back to it but trump is on earth something in this country that we have lost our standing in the world and it's a challenging time it's a challenging time i i i don't want you to go i want to stay i'm being pigished i just want to say one more thing and i'm sorry i thought i had the last word david i know you get the last word we're both from bergen county new jersey we both grew up with an immigrant community that could not shake its prejudice but we grew up at a time when you kept it to yourself you didn't celebrate your prejudice you didn't celebrate that when you went to school when you went to the public schools you were told to take your religion and shove it up your ass i don't care if you're christian muslim or jewish keep your effing religion out of the classroom and your prejudice it doesn't belong here and the country is changing for the worse and we have to stop it keep your effing grudges and your religious beliefs to yourself right you get the last word i promise i'm i'm getting and grab up the shop i think i know i i think the idea that all i could say is tearing people tearing americans apart and pitting each other groups against each other is something that i've seen when i've gone to the middle east and it's not something i ever expected to see in the united states of america by someone who's running for president and then ultimately became the nominee of a major party and then became president of the united states so if people know history and what donald trump has done in destroying credibility so much with the media although we had questioned before but the media then intelligence agencies and now congress is turning on when you go to the middle east the only thing they trust is the military and are we going toward a military coup that what is what is the groundwork that is being laid is for that right now and i have to be honest it's it's scary where we could go because i've seen in the middle east and i hope we don't get there i hope there's enough people in the military or we would not be trump supporters to listen to him and the only difference between the middle east and the us on this point is that trump didn't point his son or son-in-law to be the head of the military that's what you would see in syria in those countries if we had that we'd definitely be going towards a military coup luckily they're cowards the trump kids they would never serve america you're a lawyer the first amendment the genius of the first amendment is this if you really because that's the establishment clause the the genius of the first amendment is this you're free to say whatever you want the establishment clause is freedom of and from religion right so it's the built into the first amendment is freedom of speech that also says go believe whatever you believe but shut the f up about it shut the f up about your god damn religion that would be almost consistent with the first amendment but i know you're getting it it is the first amendment is freedom of speech and the establishment right well the establishment clause is not to establish religion the congress should establish no religion which means freedom from religion if you want to believe that sure i i think that church and state there should be a line i think there should be an absolute wall between religion and state i don't think any text of any religion should be used for laws and any in america but that's different but all right we'll give you this conversation i look forward to it i have to go make 12 people laugh at the five o'clock show at uh near your time well you just made 12 people think on my show i'm sure you have more than that we have a call here from philadelphia mr jk hello you're on with david feldman so thank you so much for taking my call to be before we talk about anything else can i set the stage sure it's 1959 i just am about to fight england bergman what can i middleweight bat kate smith would like to send the national anthem and somebody in the audience tells that kate smith is a fat fucking whore and he now says but nonetheless yes sir uh i don't like it i told him that joker one this sounds very familiar i i kind of know this voice i just can't seem to place it so david can i tell you about this event in philadelphia oh it's bill cosby it's bill cosby on the line from philadelphia how's the trial going so far so good this is a trial trial by era this dr catz dr catz is on the line how are you sir it's good to hear your voice yeah so this so this event is to raise money for an organization called art well they do wonderful work for kids young men and women having to do with uh they use art as their tool to help kids who are this is what matters is all kids are at risk for wonderfulness ah yeah so this is an event on may 7th at the philadelphia punch line hmm you need me to show up and kind of can i can i be on it yeah i'd love for you to be to me for you to be one of my guest patients wow and i need a couple i need a couple more if you have any ideas well nobody's sicker than i am so it would be dr catz helping me deal with helping you deal with what else you wow i would love to do that so it's a may 7th in philadelphia at the punch line and it's to raise money for art world dot org art world dot org so actually you know if you want to find it online it's called the art world dot org phd the art world dot org i'm sorry say that again the art world ph e a r t w e l l the art the art world dot org and it it's a benefit for children at risk in philadelphia and it helps them heal themselves through art they use art as a tool not simply use music as a tool or this is their specialty and they train other teachers in the in the use of it all began on my daughter julia wrote this paper about the art of growing up and that became the curricula at this curriculum at this place your daughter what does she do she's the program director of art world ah well i am on i'm telling you that that's certainly a coincidence why it would be an honor to oh last year they honored despite grievous i guess the runner we're going to need to find somebody who is we're going to find somebody else uh who else is on the bill so far but can we be named uh chanel james okay good wonderful yes and if you don't know who she is you will soon because chris rock is developing the series winner well and chris rock and chuck's law are developing it great do you know chuck i know chuck sclar of course yeah i'll see you may seventh at the punch line in philadelphia yeah what night of the week is it sunday night let me let me see if the dog let me ask the dog i doubt he can do it but maybe if i pick him up i'll ask the dog jonathan cats how do people reach you sir they can't and nobody can remember my wife is in front of me for 35 years i just keep people i just keep people at arm's length is it true your parents were communists yes well you know communists like they left me everything anything you left my parents online and on the fji website so that flood that destroyed all the family photographs you can just go to the fji through the freedom of information act but that's great what are we gonna do about the sad state of our country we're going to embrace it and know that this is a great opportunity yeah i mean i think as long as you're not black mexican arab female gay uh poor transgender transgender part of the 99 percent i think this is our finest moment you know it's you know it's on when i was younger my hero was the cisco kid and now it's al franken mm-hmm he is one of my heroes now he's definitely the funniest guy in congress james inoff is pretty good oh yeah yeah he's pretty funny he was the one who brought the snowball onto the well of the senate and said i don't see no global warman and i know so little about anything except uh except me you should do a podcast the way i do i don't know anything either and they have a very well-informed guy and i'm guessing you have many sources of news i get all my information from the artificial hip that was implanted in my brain i don't know what i'm talking about an artificial too hip for the room jonathan cats thank you for uh i'll see him i'll see you may 7th at the punch line in philadelphia yeah i'll i'll follow up with an email okay that'll be great thank you so much thank you okay bye bye okay please welcome the music of the insecure morons when i see someone i know walking beside me on the street i only use my peripheral vision and walk the other direction with my feet because the last thing i want to have happened is some sort of awkward social interaction even if it's someone i like even if it's someone i really ought to talk to because i do terribly in most social interactions i just you know i can't i can't get any uh i can't get i can't get traction what do i say i just met you at the spa and i'm already saying weird things to you i just heard myself say where are you from like a town i don't know i love towns oh god jeez i just heard myself say i don't know if genders fluid i think it's more liquid where are you from again i just heard myself say no no no i'm not on instagram i'm on lexapro i just heard myself say i have this weird thing where i was rude for the bad guys and not in the movies in real life i just heard myself say everything gives me gas everything gives me gas everything gives me gas i just heard myself say well duh life is transient and glories and illusion when i go to the barber making small talk is tough what is there to talk about beside my unrelent and then dream i sit on the subway oh i always wear my headphones if you ignore the urine smell it's almost like you're home alone yeah when i go to the bank i always choose the atm but they'll be coming i have to be compelling with them and i do terribly and most social interactions i met you and i can't oh i already forgot the word i can't get i can't get traction i just heard myself say i don't want a name drop but i'll betty white block me on twitter i just heard myself say two truths and a lie harry ron her my knee i just heard myself say no i didn't mean like a guy in college i meant like a guy an ecologist yeah i just heard myself say what's that smell is that blood i hope so maybe i just heard myself say no my pin number is five five two one you think that's good what do you think about that i wouldn't tell people that i just heard myself say i mean technically speaking nine eleven was an outside job you look in my eyes and you realize i wish i was dead and i look in your eyes and i realize you wish you were dead too should be to shoot scooby-doo max azulay hello and alex mullen good don't confuse me are the insecure morons you can see their work on the huffington post or funny or die they do non-musical sketches as well very true and you guys are really great i've seen you with scott regowski and alex where you from i'm uh i'm from south of boston and max where are you from i am from just north of the city uh hastings on hudson oh yeah near scott we're getting near where scott is from uh so if you pick up a similar vibe that could be it or just the word jews and scott blakeman is also from hastings upon hudson i don't know scott blakeman but i i imagine he is it's beautiful up there it is it's very nice it's on the river i've been many times it's very nice yeah it's right up on hudson i performed with nancy jiles there it's gorgeous oh well and it has such a nice name to it Hastings upon hudson yeah it makes me want to eat like bread pudding yeah and ice cream and smoke dope and drink white wine and have unprotected sex that's what's going on up there it is i mean it's you nailed it you know the name max azule makes me want to do that as well how'd you guys meet we uh we attended college together we did went to occidental college in los angeles i know occidental college very well that's where the president of the united states spent his first two years yeah exactly got out of there it's true he left running when things are getting serious to be clear which president too it's not uh so president obama it is president obama yeah we met in college we were both film majors both studying uh the art of film uh and uh alex is making a short film a thesis film uh and ultimately what it was turned out to be was me in my underwear uh it was like a five ten minute film right yeah it was a long one it was me in in tidy whiteies as they're called as the kids call them and it was called dissatisfied man alone in a studio apartment and i read the script i said i have to do this this is this is born you read the script and you have to do i have to do this so many scripts are coming your way yeah well i didn't do my agent has said he i should i should really look into it uh he was 12 at the time um no but i wait i did i did the movie ten minute uh film in my underwear and uh and then it ended up being projected in front of our whole class the whole school just a giant version of him in his underwear close-ups on like a movie you're describing it as a series of pictures that create yeah so when did you guys graduate 20 11 2011 all right i was living in oh yeah we live together in in los angeles uh huh wow i know a couple of professors at occidental who do you know well we just had lisa wade on the show who wrote a book called hooking up where she studied you guys hookup culture hookup culture you know what i'm talking no no but i i can imagine do you know professor i don't know what it should do you know what she taught i mean hooking up it's an actual class at parties she was great she told me what class yeah she held a class she is living in new orleans right now but she teaches at occidental and she has written a book about the hookup culture which you guys were a part of we sure were barely and she studied you and she studied you how did she study occidental students or she studies the that generation of yeah yeah yeah surveys and like me she's a peeping tom did field research looking field research you walked around yeah just looking through the winter and uh so you met at occidental we we hooked up there one could say what'd you major in we both majored in film alex majored in film and max major in major in film so you both let me let me just see if i can deduct let me just figure this out yeah you guys both majored in close you were so close to us major in film it's true now they don't use film anymore do they no and that's why we did we didn't graduate because we because we were confused we you know no no no we we major we shouldn't say film they call it cassettes yeah lisa wade major in film but they don't make they don't make movies with film i mean we didn't use film no i shouldn't have said film but we they this it was called film although they did change the name of the major to media arts and gender something i it's true no i swear to god it is the guy who took it over had forced his uh you know ideology onto the department this is very true it couldn't be more academic i mean it is film history and filmmaking and now it's uh like studying gender studies through film or something okay so it's like lisa wade got in there yeah wade hooked it up 2011 the year of our lord yes all right i can i want to talk about hooking up the hooking up culture we could do that i want to talk about movies i want to talk about student loans student debt social media and why the conservatives are really right about college because your parents sent you off to occidental yeah it's a private school it's not a public college i sent my kids to you know Berkeley it was part of the uc program right you were living in l at the times yeah i wasn't going to spend money on a private college like i was that sounds a lot wealthier than i don't have the money where'd your kids go Berkeley well i don't like to talk about them but but you brought them up yeah my my one of my kids went to Berkeley and the one who recently graduated went to a very uh even more liberal college and i don't want to say the name well he went to uc santa cruise oh well and now he's out of the country thank god because what they teach you at santa cruise leave well i don't want this kid around when trump is president right i have a feeling it's either germany law i just think it's germany or gitmo for this yeah those are the choices you see gitmo he did go to cuba as a matter of fact recently right before obama lifted this and i just said to him don't go don't go please don't go no i have to see it it's a socialist eat and i want to get there before the capitalists destroy it right and so i you know i stalk him on facebook that's how you find out about your son and i why he's there with he's there with three beautiful women hello he's i see pictures of him swimming in the bay of pigs with three beautiful women and i'm not you know if you're the deal is hi cassey the deal is with parents you're not supposed to comment on facebook you can be their friends but you're not allowed to talk to them and uh i see him with these three beautiful women and barely i don't even know what they're called they weren't bikinis and i wrote uh how's that exploration of a socialist even going for you so he unfriended me oh wow and i went a year without getting to talk we're talking about my son cassey grimaldi hi cassey grimaldi that's me hello hello good to meet you brilliant oh jeez is a she writes and produces and has been published i'm going to embarrass you okay great i'm embarrassed because she usually doesn't like to talk about this no and it's you're all going to be impressed when i mention this okay all right i'm ready all right she brought down flight 106 wow over egypt in 2004 what happened so modest jeez i don't like to talk about it i mean somebody had to intervene she's been published in new yorker that's a big thing that that is a big thing yeah i guess so um and you're and you're a brilliant comedy writer and a producer and you don't really perform no i don't i hate it i feel like my body is collapsing in on itself i've tried it yes and that is a great virtue that alex brazil has that's why i fell in love with alex brazil when alex came to me and said he produces shows and manages and i said do you perform he goes no and i said please take my hand in marriage i dropped to me it's amazing it's amazing that just that lack of neediness too or something about it's it's appealing i'm glad i'm so appealing to all of you it's very appealing so kassie so yeah produce shows over the creek in the cave tell us some of the shows you produce so we know to suck up to you okay so i produce a show at the creek in the cave called creek bros it's like how i started producing um stand up and i produce a show called rent party at union hall and then i produce another show called bitch party party theme just i love to party point blank um they've been you called five bucks rock ship so yeah i book and produce them and make sure everything goes right and then i produce tv shows i guess whenever i get hired to do so so and you're a great producer i've worked with you thank you you are you are you're you're very calm and you don't panic that's um i don't know how true that is but you have excellent taste in comedy thank you and you know that it all turned out okay yeah i try to have that attitude what about you guys hi i'm sure you guys already did so in in a crisis you're you're cool uh i guess so i i think i project that on the outside world but um inside not so much maybe but i'm glad that everybody got that impression that's a huge skill for a producer director to to make people feel like nothing's wrong that it's all gonna be okay even if you're not feeling it have you met the insecure morons have you met us oh you no i haven't well these here we are insecure these are the insecure morons okay this is alex mullen to my left and this is max azule how are you nice to meet you nice to meet you one of them is jewish oh jeez the pop quiz here we go look at look at alex mullen this is alex mullen and one is max azule so i'm going to ask you three times during the show okay i'm first i'm just first snap impression yes and then a little bit of knowledge and then yeah and then know by the end and then what's your final decision of who's jewish of who's jew so this is alex mullen say hello alex hello there hey alex and this is max azule say hello shalom okay you threw this is interesting i couldn't be on throwing you off we don't know we don't know this is a game show that i love it this is let's pitch this i i'm ready i have it who's the wheel they've already done that on saturday or not a jew that's an snl sketch but not with us but now it's never been done with us but i pitched a sketch to the guys at snl jew or swede because like engmar bergman is he swedish oh because of the the man suffix yeah that's right that's right there are a lot of swedes that's interesting bergman is just two suffix so what would that sketch be it would be it would basically be a ripoff of it would be the exact same sketch but with sweets with sweets interesting i like that okay sweet into the mix okay okay this say hello alex hello alex that's alex mullen and that's max azule yep just snap impression who's the jew and no i'm not going to tell you whether you're right you're wrong i think it's max just because i feel like you said this is max that's max okay so okay i'm gonna come back to you that's it i say nothing it's got a semitic air to him okay then then later in the middle of this segment i'm gonna ask you and then okay great that'll be great great so yeah so you produce shows and you're and you're very calm i yeah i try to be yeah and what did your parents say this is i'm not trying to embarrass you okay i'm not trying to embarrass you okay but of course not what did your parents say when you called them and said that flight that i that was i what did you what did your parents say when you got published in the new yorker they the their first question was if i got paid really also the first question after the flight and bringing it down yeah yeah if i was paid and if there are benefits do they really say that yeah i guess that's a good question if you're i guess that's why you're funny that they would ask those not that's fantastic that's incredible nobody gets published in the new yorker that's amazing i don't know i don't think do you mind if i ask you these questions no it's okay totally they're very practical yeah i guess uh i don't think they really like my dad has had the same job for like 35 years so was this a shouts and murmurs piece it was yeah your dad had the same job for 35 years he's the green river killer in seattle yeah good work consistent work it's the career yeah 35 years yeah okay so yeah but i mean i would assume they know that being published in shouts and murmurs is not winning the lottery it's not luck but it's like no nobody gets published in shouts and murmurs right um i don't think they did know that i don't think they really get do they read the new yorker no i don't really wow no they don't live in new york uh they're smart they like listen to npr i don't like to think that like people who like wouldn't i don't read the new yorker really i read it i read it you write it i no but i i read like pieces of it i'm sure they've i'm sure they're familiar with it i don't know i just don't think they really get what i'm doing okay like they don't get that you don't really get paid to do comedy how does it feel to be published you know hosay you know i don't know if you know who hosay or royo is he's there's a brilliant comedy writer there i always say there are two people who threw osmosis also jim there are a couple people but one hosay or royo is one of those comedy writers you just be around him and then you learn how to think differently how to think i learned how to think in visual puns by hanging out with him he great writer who writes on kona now he took up cartooning oh well and suddenly his cartoons were in the new yorker he just picked it up later in life is a he decided he had a cartoon in him and he started cartooning and got published printed what do you what do you i don't know what it anyway you got in the new yorker well it's great i wish i could cartoon yeah so it gives you the seal of approval i think internally i think it's why it was like extremely validating yeah and i had been i like right before it i it happened i had been dating a comedy writer who really really wanted to get published like get a show published and we both did and i it was very important to me that i got it first which i did so like it was extremely you get it before you broke up no after so like double double whammy double feeling great very validating i'm happy yeah what was the time period between your acceptance and his acceptance and who got first he still has not been accepted oh oh he i thought you yeah he's he'll never be accepted we know it oh i i misheard you i thought you both got i mean he's doing fine he's got a he's got a late night job he's okay but but you janitor he's the shouts and murmurs of janitors he's actually just that's great and for one second all right it's so great i'm with the nbc late night program they're they're training me to be a janitor it's great yeah is that been done already just make that up i i read it i don't know i saw in shouts and murmurs what do you mean that that's a great joke really good joke great joke publish me give me benefits well that's great because i i cannot tell you the number of times i've been sitting on the subway and hearing people go well i'm applying for the nbc late night program and as somebody who's you know there's i have i go f you know we didn't have late night program yeah i was a kid yeah we were pages yeah we were we slipped jokes underneath the door not i was never a page but so no no that was true no no but we slipped jokes under the door we didn't have a program to learn how to do this stuff you just were desperate and frightened and beaten but now they have programs that you apply to and then they but so that's a great joke the late night i'm curious that your parents wanted to know if you got benefits for one piece like that seems rather rash they're like yeah i don't know how that would work in like from like an administrative point yeah they write the benefits i don't know i think they're fair i think it's really important to them that i am stable and i don't think i will like ever be stable so like they're i don't know like i said he's been working at the same job for 35 years and i don't know they want me to have a say you are stable i guess so i'm not homeless i think it's a generational difference of you know like no one has the 30 year one company yeah or that's like a they you know that generation might not necessarily understand it's just changed and we accept that as a good thing but it's wrong it's just greed yeah it's a form of control to tell people hey you're not going to have a job for 30 years anymore that ship has sailed and by the way you won't have health insurance i don't mean to get political on you but this is no i totally agree this is this is you have 20 families in america controlling half the wealth and until you guys under the you're all under the age of 30 right oh yeah okay so you guys very young you got to wake up man thank you really do and you got to understand that you're being controlled by literally 20 families who are telling you get with the program the idea that you're going to have a job at the same company for 30 years that's gone and health insurance your employer provides that with you so you better just be a slave dentured servitude yeah so get with the program so this is the same as what our parents all this is the same conversation you had with your parents uh yeah i was like you guys got to wake up now they're right you have a job for 30 years there's no need i don't know if i'd want to have the same job for 30 years but um what do you want to do what do i want to do i don't know i i don't know i think happens i think the form of control that my generation has put on you is we don't pay you right we don't give you health insurance we don't give you jobs we give you the lottery ticket to become the next zuckerberg or seth rogan or judd apatow we say to you okay you're going to you're really going to suffer all of you but one of you will take one of you into the richest little bit of yeah one of you can enter the kingdom of heaven the rest of you are serfs stressful yeah well it's like the silicon valley genius idea is the destruction of yeah like union and like you know standard pay and that's like the genius that came out of silicon valley and all those uber and all those short-term working things it's not innovation that's just exploiting the work but anyway well the revolution will be podcasted thank you i guess so i don't know there's like also that mentality in silicon valley where they like because they rely on like venture capitalists and stuff they can fail and not face any repercussions and you're answering to a venture capitalist not to your customer yeah great okay who do you think's the jew now i would still save but he had a rant a bit of a i what he just said makes me think he's a jew i think maybe does this end well don't answer for her don't you explain that it's so yeah that would also back up my argument that it's still max thank you okay he got round number two yeah i'm sorry what are the other other other tests or is it just all like so just her her judar she has judo i do have good judo i have one of us lactose intolerant or something yeah neck can we please have some milk milk alix do you want to do a little your Torah portion though uh yeah a little bit just the just the segment the good part the one we practice you do realize that if she gets it right she gets accused of being an anti-semite you're too good yeah wow so we were talking before you showed up cassie we're talking about they went to occidental college oh i don't really know what that means well from context clues can you guess well i don't have any context yet but tell college part what it means what you don't know much about the school no was it named after the hammer the guy arm and hammer the guy owned occidental oil it could have been you don't think so it definitely wasn't using the name of the college accidental i thought occidental was like an adjective it is it is it is okay but it's also the name of the school that we we like question it we met at and yeah it's it's in la it's in eagle rock uh california it's a great great it's a great private college you really know you know occidental what do you know about it there are these colleges where the wealthy send their kids okay and it's under the radar you know the if you're really wealthy really really really wealthy you pay a publicist to keep your name out of the papers so when this country during the gilded age and after when there was like real money there was harvard the ivy league and then they the really wealthy invented these colleges that no one would know about like amherst and williams oh the little ivy's the little that only the secret club would know about right occidental is one of them oh wow for the people who started princeton started occidental yeah that's like for the very very wealthy who have idiot kids who couldn't get into wow i started feeling good about this at first and then we were idiot kids yeah and then they said why don't we pretend this is like a secret college that nobody knows yeah there was we had a classmate who uh she was from i think malaysia and her family was like the richest you know like they owned like all fast food companies there or something and one time yeah and one time she told me about how she had a growing up a pet dolphin and uh i kept it in a pool and i guess uh dolphins don't survive in small pools and she told me a sad story about how her uh her pet dolphin died that poor girl that was the story that was the occidental story we used to we used to chant that about the doll about the dolphin by the way i have my pet monkey is finally ping standing up i did i should mention that i would pet monkey congratulations after three years i finally got him to peace he's a cappuccino i wanted a bonobos because they just sponsorship bonobos i've learned a lot about recently yeah bonobos have no inhibitions right sex for them is a handshake yes did you know that i did know that and i know that when they have sex they gaze into each other's eyes oh wow they do gaze yeah gaze not just look yeah like a loving gaze you have a pet monkey yeah interesting i'm fascinated and he pees standing up that is the good but only if he's gazing in my eye oh all right that is a deviant monkey no it's just it's just it's a moth and so anytime we make eye contact he pees so well the bonobos are very interesting because they don't consider sex to be that important and yet we had maryl marco on who is the greatest comedy writer in the history of television and she was saying about relationships that once sex is introduced it becomes complicated but my generation tried to believe that wasn't true my generation said no it's just sex that we are not my yeah the 70s yeah and now we're finding from professor lisa wade and her book the hookup culture that your generation has sex on its mind but you're not having the kind of sex that we like to think you guys are having but you take sex very seriously despite everything we what do you what do you what is the what do you think yeah what are the conceptions of your generation of bonobos level well i thought i had three bonobos you think we're gazing at you that bonobos is more they're they're like really in a free love society like it's a matriarchy they're like a hunter gather not even hunter i would just say gather like they don't hunt they're extremely peaceful and i wouldn't say that's like i would say that's an ideal right i don't think we're at that so it's a matriarchal society yeah are they violent no no violence whatsoever no not really um at least not in the book i read about them i think i think them a lot of people say the main difference between bonobos and trims is that chimps tend to be a little more violent when they're male other male yeah dominant and so is so the bonobos made there it's matriarchal yeah so what when you grow up to be a man how are you treated in the bonobos equal as an equal yeah but you answer to the women well i don't know if they really well i will say i know bonobos can't talk so i don't know if there's really any question or answer but what how does a matriarchal society manifest itself in animals yeah it's because i don't know is it like gentle so like a gorilla gorillas for example gorillas um they're like so it's a harem society so like the gorilla there's like one silverback and he just like takes and he like captures the females but because there was no say this again a gorilla is a harem society so he'd like essentially like kidnaps the female gorillas and they're a lot smaller so like the silverbacks evolved to be like really huge and the female gorillas are really small but be since there was no competition amongst the gorillas their uh penises are really really tiny because they didn't evolve so like these huge bodies with small interesting wow kind of like like hungarian man yeah like dude to go to the gym a lot i guess no it's hungarian man yeah it's a hungarian man what is this book because it is sound interesting it's called sex at dawn sex at dawn tells us about gorillas and bonobos yeah and and humans and oh they're humans and the beginning of world war one it's a long but sex at dawn it was it was written by i think barbara typhoon yeah and it's about the bonobos of folly yeah barbara tugman wrote it because the hungarians the austral hungarians had small penises and a big army and they wanted to fight oh wow so you didn't tell me about that yeah okay so the bonobos so moving on so my point is don't move on i agree with everything you're saying we are not in a matriarchy we are definitely in the patriarchy as we all know like right in this room in the world in this room new york city the u.s. large this room the microcosm yeah we're not a matriarchal society uh no iceland has become one really yes meaning what that they woke up and discovered that the economy was crashed i think it's in michael moore's movie oh michael moore where to invade next yeah he talks sicko see it yeah that the michael lewis book or something and talks about iceland somebody named michael there's a michael joint you know is michael nesmith from the monkeys he wrote a book yeah about bonobos because he's a monkey he's hungarian penis yes we're just this is just i'm confused but i i'm interested i feel good well we need we need a matriarch first of all i have to ask you for permission to talk about this it's fine okay i'm comfortable because i do believe that we need to have a matriarchal society i agree with you because i'm close to retirement age i don't give a damn what happens to men i got mine right i got my slice of the pie yeah so i don't give a damn what happens to men either and i am not yesterday without new yorker benefits no boy i read something from eve densler the other day from the vagina monologues otherwise known as my first marriage dear god so call me an uber alex and the the anger the right and they're right what do we do guys right what do we do what do you do i've brought this up before i always maintain how old are you 27 you're 27 so i've said my listeners are gonna get sick of hearing this but this is what i say to you guys you're 27 you are the white man in 1859 in alabama who inherited his father's plantation seriously and you're the idiot son this is who you are this is who you are what about him there's there's two here why are you just talking to me the two of you inherited thank you thank you your dad's plantation and you're going 1859 why is everybody so angry at me i i i have to keep the plantation going yeah you called us an idiot plantation owner and the son of of rich we're an idiot son of rich people a lot of metaphors revolving around the word idiot do you do you sense that the world is changing i hope so you do you do and you want it he's a big trump guy changing for the better yeah great again you want your confederacy back yeah he loves them i get it do are you aware of this i mean and or did you what do you mean of of like social more is changing and i mean what's your problem are you aware that they're changing are we all or am i i don't know what do you this is an intervention it's not yeah and are you okay with it absolutely yeah what what but deep down i'm like i don't know for pretend nobody's listening all right pretend this is our commerce pretend this isn't i need to present myself as a you know socially responsible millennial you know i want to know i mean i mean i'm on a male level on a male level well i mean obviously would you want a level playing field if you could benefit from it deep down inside what i want you're sorry you're asking would i prefer the the benefits of of the patriarchy and yeah hegemonic structure as is versus now we're talking more like equitable yeah that's an oxidant of shit yeah no i want to keep going buddy this is good i like this i want a more equitable society cashier malty do you mind if i ask your question yeah go for i'm ready do you want me to benefit do i want do you want a level playing field or do you want absolutely not as right now no i don't i want you want to tilt i want a quota system i'm like i want i want women and minorities to benefit more yeah i agree with you because like it shouldn't be an equal playing field because it never was an equal playing right because like i feel like it's more a time thing it's like time's up wait man yeah you know it's tough for me because my dad was a progressive liberal fought in world war two and in d-day he killed so many americans it's an old joke it's not coming i know he's not coming no no he was an american he just fracked fragged he fragged he was a fracker he did fracking too he fracked and fracked my dad it was a d-day he killed a lot i'm just trying to work the joke because it's a you got killed a lot of americans because he he fragged his he didn't like his you know what fragging means me yeah i don't think i do it's when in vietnam right the american soldiers would kill their supervisors so they wouldn't end up getting right right this guy wants to become a colonel if we don't kill them we're all going to be dead so they would frag them got it this has nothing to do with what we're just talking about right but that's kind of like overthrowing power over mutiny yeah so i was very ambitious in high school i wanted to get into harvard because i'm a douchebag right and i know that i'm not really i'm being serious i knew that i wasn't smart so i needed something like harvard to cloak myself in so when i walked into a room i would have credentials because i don't have the goods and i remember a dinner saying to my father you know they were going out of their work because i went to white mara high school which was half african-american and the other half was black and the wow and i remember they were it was a time of affirmative action in a dinner i was going dad it's not fair yeah they're going to take these and my and my father would say good i said you your own son is not going to get into good you care more about them than your own blood yeah as i got older i realized he was right because it doesn't because it's all bullshit it's all bullshit that stuff and yeah i mean it's oppression people are all people are smart you know well i don't know about that thing they are all people are smart all people have a specific specialization that's fair that's go ahead i'm sorry no it's okay i was no you're right you mean all people generally are smart you're talking in general say not everybody is smart i think we invent harvard's as it's oppression oh yeah it's a total like construction of whatever but it's a way to keep people in line it's a way for people to say i i have this sheepskin you won't get pregnant wait that's a different type of sheepskin that's lambskin or no that's a lamb okay honey you don't have sex i'm going to go take care of the lamb yeah but it's a form of what's lamb sex like is that in the bad good bad touch yes and it gets worse cassie it just gets worse it does it really does this this show just goes it just it just gets horrible by the way the comedy writing rooms have gotten better because it's no longer yeah yeah i don't know what is a matriarch do you mind if i go yeah a matriarchal writing room as opposed to a patriarchal like a transparent or i don't know i guess like a matriarchal writing room would be like so like a woman would obviously be a showrunner and a woman would be head writer maybe those are different jobs so that more people can get paid um i agree with you go ahead there's lots of different voices and sort of like if you talk over people you're sent social signals that that's not an appropriate thing to do and you're shunned like what social signals can be like so like if you were to talk over me i might which i did and you said earlier and i yeah i am really sorry yeah see that that was a social signal and now he's he's groveling and i but also you said it was you how you built you did call it out as jewish it's sorry i'm sorry i did that um but do you see what i mean now i've just deserted my female spirit over the job yeah do you mind if i pursue this yeah go ahead okay because there are two schools of thought that i've witnessed one is some people believe that you don't need to transform the writing room the or a business that it is what it is i happen to believe that it needs to be transformed oh yeah totally but not everybody agrees with that um i think it depends on what you're writing about and i think from being having been on both sides of the getting of writing packets and also seeing submitted packets i will say like a blind submission you're more well number one there's like more white guys submitting all the time always because of the way everything is set up because people i don't know just for some reason there's more white male comedians comedy writers whatever and because they're more represented and whatever well i i think the reason is if you're part of the ruling class yeah you're gonna that sensibility is going to appeal to you no matter what even you're going to choose you're going to choose it you're going to choose comedy writing because you have a safety net yeah that's true and that's the worst kind of comedy comedy that has a safety net is the worst kind totally agree with you and i think sorry i misinterpreted what you're saying but i think people like people who are choosing the writing packets if they're most likely going to be like a white guy who's like 42 ish whatever like an 80 miles whatever um and so they're going to pick the sensibility that speaks to them most which is they're picking it blindly yeah and even if it's blind it's most likely gonna be somebody who looks like them okay that's interesting i think you're talking about a spec script or jokes yeah like a late night packet or whatever your your color and gender will shine through i think so yeah and does that mean so that means it reflects the taste of the person reading it yeah so is it is it gender and color or sensibility or does color and gender have a sensibility yes it does doesn't it does sometimes i think it depends on the individual but like i don't i don't think people should be pigeonholed as being like a black comedian or a female comedian or whatever i just think people do that because uh we've pigeonholed white male comedy as comedy so you know that's interesting so if if this were i don't even want to say writing room i'm just talking about a business the criticism of Cheryl sandberg right also that's a for my game show jew or swede yeah she's not a jew did you know that did she are you sure sandberg i'm pretty sure sandberg is a one of those sounds like a boy yeah deceptive yeah she's been criticized because as i understand it she's part of the patriarchal system that her idea is learn how to handle the oppressor deceive them work with your man don't overthrow the system is that a fair statement um i think she's also criticized because she's like super wealthy and she's like you want to be a feminist you got to get childcare and like you know i mean uh i think she's like very like white and wealthy and i think her scope is limited to that um i didn't i don't know i didn't realize that like people criticized her because she's just like i guess it's true though she's just like a cog in the machine to use a really dumb phrase but yeah that's it's like the avanka oh yeah avanka you know work with the oppressor and if you're being harassed or manipulated leave and go find work elsewhere just just yeah which is i mean easier said than done sure i think that is number i don't know that's like way easier said than done and uh sorry i'm like really distracted about being mad about avanka trump now but what's the what what what are you mad about avanka trump is uh she like for example at the republican national convention she did a speech about how her father would provide paid child care and how she's just kind of like patching these holes and like obviously politicians never follow through on these promises for things like paid maternity leave paid child care whatever and she's just enabling this like hot air balloon by like patching the holes in it and she's uh she's awful and she and she claims to be like a feminist and empowering to women and yeah and she's anything but she's disgusting yeah she creates problems for women yeah exactly as yeah she's holding up the thing that is holding women back style glamour oh yeah that possible aspirations yeah she's awful she's an oppressor a traitor she is she's a we would call them copos in the yeah and with back to comedy i always say comedy is like dissecting a frog yeah eventually i'm going to get an erection but that's it comedy is aggressive yeah for sure like i think like if you do stand up people are like i killed i crushed i yeah whatever it's like it but female aggression is different than male aggression right yeah i guess so right i think they're both testosterone based what way well i mean how how is it different i i i think on the page i don't mean to traffic and in stereotypes and maybe it's because i'm in a certain place emotionally now but i talk to maryl about this i think women their their first instinct isn't violence they don't think violently men think violently women therefore their writing is a hundred percent vicious whereas a man's is 50 percent vicious because there's the there's violent there's physical there's a little brawn so when it comes to wit and sarcasm i think women are all in in the viciousness on the page i guess so is that a fair statement i don't know about that i think i don't know about writing but i think like i think i like like i guess roasts for example i'm much more interested in watching like women roast each other because men are just like who looks like and brazil and women will say something like maybe more truthful but i guess yeah yeah way more cutting like way more mean maybe like borderline not like too true um but it's much more i don't know it's more interesting and i think i don't know well what was i gonna say oh i guess gone girl are you familiar with gone girl so it's one of my favorite books properties whatever oh the aflec movie yeah oh yeah so in the book there's this whole passage about how um men i guess like when men like men are like the biggest threat to women on earth right so like if a man kills his wife it's going to be like in the heat of passion like he's just gonna like hit her too hard and she's gonna fall down stairs and die but if a woman wants to like kill her husband she's gonna plan it for like a year and like buy a tarp to hide the body like three years out so it's like untraceable and undetectable that it was like part of this huge like conspicuous murder so i guess that would be a difference in female what about variation which is also like a huge stereotype and also fiction but i think it's one of the my favorite things i've ever read yeah yeah who wrote it i know the movie gillian flinn i heard it on tape i just want to throw that out there i walked around the city listening to it okay so let me let me understand this this is very important to me i'm 58 wow yeah and about three or four years ago i said on the show there's this awakening going on where women let me i'm beginning to understand something about me i said and i think i was wrong that women are waking up that men are the they're finally realizing that men are their oppressors and they're no longer expecting men to help them they have to just help themselves and they're not going to explain it to a man anymore because they're just not going to get it they're moving on it coincided with my divorce so you young guys how old are you i'm 29 did you sense this awakening among the the diss staff among the women three or four years ago when i started to get my divorce or did you just did you know or was there no well it coincides with my divorce oh did you really get it no i didn't get oh did you but did you because i always blame external factors i mean i have it down to a science of and it's all a defense mechanism well you know in the 2012 election they didn't know right that women get pregnant from rape they have you know that guy aching or somebody said yeah but women have these juices that prevent their and i thought well women have just woken up to how stupid men are and david's getting a divorce that's what was that did that predate but there's so many white women voted for trump no i'm asking you a personal question okay well i don't think i knew the you know world as well i don't know i was just discovering i had nothing to compare it with or something you know when did you know that men were a problem when did i know that men were a problem when did you when did you know that men are a serious problem like cassie just said the biggest threat to women are men yeah and that's true yeah and that we're aggressive and we're dangerous and we cause war and we're violent and and uh going having a relationship with a man has the potential to be physically dangerous when did that occur to you how many victims did you have before you said most no when when did it occur to you i i guess it yeah it's like the past few years for me of you know looking more critically at this and yeah i don't know would you say in a moment when obama how old are you 27 okay so how old were you when obama was president oh 20 19 18 yes yes around okay so you were just losing your virginity i would assume i mean about that time okay did you know how bad men were i don't think so i don't know i i it's hard to put myself in the that perspective what about you did i know how bad men were when obama was elected yes max uh it's a good question i mean there are bad men i don't think all men are bad i've i've uh i don't know i've been in therapy a long time i feel like i've been aware of my okay who's the jew ding ding ding ding ding ding i've known answer my question i'm being serious i don't understand the question i'm asking did you did i know men were a problem men are a problem they're a problem men are a problem and because of my narcissism i i realize men were a problem at the same time the divorce started and i always say it's not me right right it's not me and it's not her it's the culture women are changing the ground is shifting out from underneath us women have decided that men can't be changed no matter how much you work with them i want a divorce but it's not david feldman's fault it's because rush limbaugh looked at sandra fluke and and who wanted obamacare to cover her birth control pills and and and rush limbaugh went on the radio and said i'm not going to pay for her pill every time she decides to have sex and women said he doesn't even realize how birth control works and this senate this guy running akon said women produce a juice when they're being raped and they don't get pregnant and that's it it's 2012 men don't understand women david feldman has to get a divorce yeah i well right did it come was it 2012 for that was about the year i realized so it's not a generational thing for us men no it's 2012 seriously i i have a sister i have i mean i've always been sympathetic to to women i mean i don't i don't as you get older sure you're more aware that that uh men are very difficult and you know now trump is president and you just you look at a lot of men and you hate them so was it 2012 so something it's was there an awakening if you study american history they'll talk about these awakenings these periods in american history that they call awakenings where these christian evangelical awakenings right happened because of climate was 2012 the year your divorce is that what you're to be honest with you i would say it was 2012 for me too because i think i was like in college doing like a women's studies class for the first time and i think the discourse in general probably started to open up and change because like what we were reading about probably got different but i do i have always hated men so like so have i but so so i'm i apologize putting this through the prism of my own experience but i think we all do that yeah sure because i i i think we're all connected in a culture and when the culture changes we all start thinking differently it's like a wildfire yeah and divorce happens or people get sick i think people are depressed now because of trump and they're waking there's an awakening going on right now where we're going you know what this country has the potential to be amazing and it also has the potential to do terrible things and a lot of people can't get out of bed because of that because they're waking up and discovering that not only is this country capable of doing horrible things i as a citizen have been doing horrible things and i'm complicit just through my silence or ignorance and 2012 for me and a lot of men was the awakening right i guess so yeah i mean i think it's definitely been happening for a lot longer than that i think it's probably when it tragically like got to the mainstream like uh i was reading this book from 1971 uh it was like a book of essays about uh it was edited by Angela Davis and it was like political prisoners and it was like letters they wrote from jail or just essays or whatever like 1970s like radical thinkers whatever and like i like the first essay i read from it was all uh it was just like chilling because it was like all about just it was just echoing what we're all saying about Donald Trump right now and it was just i can't recommend it highly enough well 71 was when era yeah the urn run average amendment was and it never got passed it never got passed and when you go back and read because people don't think it's real it's so insidious they're like you have equal rights when you go back and read about my heroes from the 60s the men yeah yeah they had they were neanderthals right yeah some of it also probably has to do with the internet and 2012 you know the ongoing dialogue and cultural emotional you know voices being heard on on the internet that's probably a proliferation of that in 2012 for sure when you know you hear more points of view uh suddenly yeah you're both of you are new to this show have you seen this no have i i've never been on here i listened to an episode to prepare right and that explains the gaping hole in your head yeah where's the gun wow and you still showed up i did yeah so we're the the promise to the listeners is that we address a problem and then we offer a solution it just can't be negative i have to give marching orders to the listeners and because we're all trying to behave better as human beings sure what i'm getting out of this is my wife might take me back no uh that it reinforces it reinforces what i believe and that is that mental illness or sadness depression hostility anger rage comes from within but the vessel is filled from without there's a there's a vessel we're all vessels and we respond to external stimuli we get filled up with stuff and then the mental illness is how we release what's inside of us that society pours into us yeah and i i kind of feel that we're waking up again and four or five years after the last awakening i think trump there's a new awakening of the not just men yeah but america is a toxic brew of so what do you think so you cast you were pretty spot on you you say we have to shift to a matriarchal you have to be like the bonobos we absolutely have to be like bonobos in every way i need to wait excuse me for one second you say it jokingly but i you mean it i do me yeah and you're giggling it okay so well like there's like a huge also in this book is that there's a huge misconception that like early humans were super violent but they weren't they were like and like uh they would like kill each other for resources or whatever but they didn't they just like moved they were like nomadic and uh what i want to use the appropriate phrase because i'm saying foragers they were foraging societies and they like just i don't know they were they were foraging society and they moved that they were nomadic yeah they were nomadic and they like didn't kill each other and everybody got along and just had bonobos acts and there was no and it was matriarchal yeah so so let me understand this so you're saying that a nomadic society yeah it you're hunting you're gathering you're not farming no farming is a root cause of a lot of issues creates dependency and alcoholism and drug addiction oh for sure yeah but the many people maintain that men discover seriously when men discovered alcohol beer and wine the hunting and gathering stopped and we became farmers yeah barley beer yeah there was like a whole like the 19 teens i don't know the temperance of it was all like women like all like early feminists who thought like alcohol made men horrible which they're not wrong but okay so if you're if you're nomadic the why would the women then control the culture if you're traveling um they have purses yeah that's exactly versus and purses and they can carry i think it had it had something to do i want i don't know i really don't know i would assume i think just everything is better but i would assume it's matriarchal because if your hunter-gatherer the men are out using their brawn to kill things and bring it back to the women who have to be smart enough to cook it prepare it say we need a little let's plan for the future with this idiot man over there may not be able to kill another lion or whatever whatever we eat i don't know i have to go so we would require planning ahead yeah thinking about the future i'm gonna yeah i'm gonna be impregnated i have to have a baby i need a place to protect it this guy is a murderer the men are murderers they don't they only think they operate on adrenaline they don't think past the thing they have to kill or be killed by i guess so and if women are gathering it was a lot it came that's like that's definitely i want to say that was like a simplistic way to look at it but i'm simplistic well i i'm i'm simplistic so i can't remember exactly what it was but i know that it was much more than like gender roles because i weren't gender roles really yeah there were there were male gatherers i'm sure female hunters i'm sure that huntresses yeah female huntresses and i would assume that the female huntress was able to kill the deer without a rock or an arrow just with their mordant wit that's exactly right they would just say something to the deer it's a roast battle and they would the deer would go oh god you really are going to bring that up about the size of my antlers really you're gonna do that she's right she's right oh my god just i'll walk you back just i'll walk back with you to the fire you can start burning me let's plug some gigs this was interesting so bonobos is that's what we're aspiring to be like that's what we're learning that's exactly bonobos yeah interesting you should i'd like to read that book sex at dawn sex at dawn i got it at the strand you got at the strand yeah a plug the greatest place how much i think it was like 1295 that's good it's about 300 pages what would you like to talk about what would i like to talk to you if you had if you were controlling the situation here oh man what's what's pissing you off what's pissing me off lately or does it have to be what's pissing you if i always approach it by what's pissing me off i just i don't know i don't have a lot going on i'm for it right now you're working full time i am working full time i think it's the change of the seasons i i just finished a dresser you made a dresser i did uh i just finished a cleanse i'm like extremely boring i'm like just sorry it was a it was like a anti-inflammatory it's very not interesting no i don't want to talk about it i'm interested in that for sure um it was an anti-inflammatory diet wow is it working yeah i lost like i don't know i can't do math i lost close to 20 pounds whoa that's amazing i think like 12 to 15 and how long a month and what did you live on uh meat through vegetables paleo yeah like a bonobo wow this is your this is your well paleo is meat and vegetables right yeah uh no added sugar no alcohol no grain no dairy and is that the paleo diet that's uh it's a stricter version of the paleo diet my listeners are going to hang themselves but i tell you this oh my god but i had the inventor of the paleo diet on my show dr cot i and i have a block on his name that's okay i feel like all these people who in like atkins and the guy who invented uh hot yoga they're all a little bit off no this guy i'll take i'm bringing it back to wrap up the show okay okay i i talk about him all the time on the show and i don't know why i don't have him back he's like jody armor this law professor who i always quote and then people said well why don't you have him back on the show gee okay he invented the paleo diet he went to harvard medical school and while he was going to harvard medical school he noticed that he had extra time so he got a phd in anthropology while he was going to harvard medical school very as you do yeah i mean yeah brilliant guy so he combined anthropology with medical science and helped develop the paleo diet well and studied ancient cultures and he wrote a book called women after all oh man i gotta read it and he concluded that women hold men's life's life's lives in their hands you could you can only have a healthy relationship men with a woman if you worship her that was his conclusion yeah that that's true that and the whole conclusion is that women are not supposed to be like men women are supposed to be like women and men must worship women and if you don't worship them you will not have a healthy relationship that you don't try to understand them don't try to don't argue there's you it's like arguing with another species just worship them i don't know if it's like necessarily true that you need to worship them but i think men are maybe a little slow on the uptake that you would need to use a hyperbolic word like worship to get what's wrong with that baseline respect baseline wow that's how they interpret the word worship you just woke up alex brazil but but why not why not worship them i don't know maybe i feel like i might need to unhealthy tendencies but women on a pedestal yeah and and so when i sacrifice animals right you don't want to you don't exactly yeah that's not a good thing no hmm but appreciate you need to appreciate appreciate respect respect respect i would say it's the main thing how about be kind to kind love it that's one of me well if you approach it from a martin buber i vow which i do you do yeah if you worship all humanity there's nothing wrong with worshiping women right if you find god in all people maybe with women you can have a god that you can worship more if you're not i'm losing my mind i really am so i thought we were going somewhere huh yeah okay i'm gonna wrap it up okay because i'm going off i wanted to talk i went off the deep end i'm off the deep end that's let's uh plug some gigs okay max azulea sir you are the jew ah the reveal the whole time i knew it and she knew because i cut her off you circumcised the conversation i'm the model of this and max azulea and alex mullen are the insecure morons thank you for coming on the show thank you so much for having us well thank you for thanking me and thank you and come back and we can see your work on the huffington post every time you're a die and the insecure morons we're on uh scott regoski show running late on monday when is this come out this will be yesterday oh okay this will be tuesday all right so that already happened how was it oh my god we crushed or you know we should use more feminine language i don't know do you have a suggestion i would say crushed okay i was like kassie grimaldi yes when you're not in america you go back to monaco to oh yeah with my royal family i am the heiress of both the mona monican yeah yeah the monican royal family you came into this country illegally you're from monaco that's true and i started a pizza empire which i rule over wow the grimaldi grimaldi what kind of name is that italian but but but the prince of monaco yeah you said the last name is grimaldi yeah it is i don't know i i'm going to say yes we are related even though i don't know okay and let's plug some gigs for kassie when is this i'm doing i'm roasting a friend on april 12th i don't remember where but okay now when you roast here when you roast yeah do you single out the thing that they're ashamed of or yeah okay sure everything no stone is left unturned is the friend of men or woman she's a woman so she is i like that you know woman yeah she's a woman it's for her birthday she asked me to roast her so i'm gonna do that that's april 12th don't remember the name of the venue but i'll be there uh april 13th bitch party at prime box rock shop it's very fun um and you should have the insecure morons uh for sure we'd love to i would love to have them uh april 15th april 15th is tax day or as donald trump calls it no touch just a day just a normal day just a regular day um it is a creek bros and i'm sure i'll be doing a lot more i don't know i don't know what my schedule is i take it one day at a time okay cleanse is over though cleanse is over okay we also have a show on the day after this do we have wednesday at the pit at 7 p.m oh nice first i'm hearing of it it's not okay and where is the pit it is on west 20 or east 23rd street east as opposed to this show which is the pits thank you guys i'd like to welcome everyone to the david feldman podcast everyone's favorite show i like social media and the good things that it brings reconnecting old friends and the arab sprang but social media makes me feel inferior i am lake eerie everyone else is lake superior oh look wendell travers got a job at the white house i mean good for wendell travers i'm doing fine myself oh look tanner fisk has a supermodel girlfriend i brushed up against a woman on the train today and oh look teddy rider let's is getting married my mom really wants me to get married to her and oh look cherim i cross just got funded for his digital novel if shame were money i'd be bill gates it's like you're competing against everyone you know and everyone can somehow forward to vacation in bordeaux it's like a mythological greek punishment where every day in every way you feel incompetent and oh look craig burns has a kid who seems to love him i have all the psychological issues of a child actor in spite of having never acted he's never acted before and oh look holly peterson just reached eight years of sobriety oh that's so weird i haven't talked to holly in like exactly eight years is that a coincidence i wouldn't overthink it man okay well all right bian jones just took a picture of a wonderful italian dinner my behavior towards women has been described as italian most of bennie and oh look lina ain't finds a picture of a cat amusing the only thing i find amusing is society i exist everybody come on join in join in i exist all my david feldman heads out there sing along sing along i exist everybody's tired of what the fuck waymark baron exists everyone who's ever masturbated using chapstick come on everybody thinks lincoln had it coming thank you very much that's our show david tell on april seventh through the eighth will be at comedy club on state in madison wisconsin then he goes to my favorite comedy club in minneapolis the acme comedy company that would be april 20th through the 22nd then he's onto the stress factory april 28th through the 29th and if you live in boston catch them at the wilbur theater on may 13th may 18th he's at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas and then may 19th through the 21st cobs comedy club in beautiful san francisco dina bedia's radio shows on sirius xm please listen to it and if you live in the philadelphia area we'll see a may 7th of the punchline in philadelphia for dr catz's special benefit please share this program with all your friends copy and paste the links and share it we're putting out an album it's called pay what you want and you can literally pay what you want every month we're posting anywhere between seven to ten minutes of new stand-up material that's going to be used for an album we're going to put out around Thanksgiving of 2017 each month we're putting up about five to seven minutes go to david feildman show look for the banner click on it and pay what you want you can give us a penny or three billion dollars and you'll get the first seven minutes of my comedy album and then next month we're going to post another seven minutes please go to david feildman show dot com and check out a comedy album that is in the works and you can listen to the first iteration of pay what you want by paying what you want anywhere from a penny to whatever you want from the show briz studios in downtown Manhattan that'll do it for us