 Lady Windermere's Fan A play about a good woman By Oscar Wilde This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org The persons of the play Lord Windermere, read by Joseph Early Falls Church, Virginia Lord Darlington, read by Simon Taylor Lord Augustus Lawton, read by Christian Gonzalez Mr. Dumbie, read by Jeff Cowgill Mr. Cecil Graham, read by Chugash Mr. Hopper, read by Tobias Parker, read by Ed Mead Lady Windermere, read by Christian Hughes The Duchess of Berwick, read by Ruth Golding Lady Agatha Carlyle, read by Iswa Lady Plimedale, read by Christina Walk Lady Stutfield, read by Sarah Corsmo Lady Jedburgh, read by Colinda Mrs. Cowper Cowper, read by Anna Roberts Mrs. Erlen, read by Elizabeth Clatt Rosalie, read by Dwan narrator, read by Ross Clement The scenes of the play Act I, morning room in Lord Windermere's house Act II, drawing room in Lord Windermere's house Act III, Lord Darlington's rooms Act IV, same as Act I Time, the present, place, London The action of the play takes place within 24 hours beginning on a Tuesday afternoon at 5 o'clock and ending the next day at 1.30pm Act I, scene Morning room of Lord Windermere's house in Carlton House Terrace Doors centre and right Bureau with books and papers right sofa with small tea table left Window opening onto Terrace, left Table right Lady Windermere is at table right arranging roses in a blue bowl Enter Parker Is your lady's ship at home this afternoon? Yes, who has called? Lord Darlington, my lady Hesitates for a moment Show him up, and I'm at home to anyone who calls Yes, my lady Exit centre It's best for me to see him before tonight I'm glad he's come Enter Parker centre Lord Darlington Enter Lord Darlington centre Exit Parker How do you do, Lady Windermere? How do you do, Lord Darlington? But no, I can't shake hands with you My hands are all wet with these roses Aren't they lovely? They came up from Selby this morning They are quite perfect Sees a fan lying on the table And what a wonderful fan May I look at it? Do, pretty isn't it It's got my name on it and everything I have only just seen it myself It's my husband's birthday present to me You know today is my birthday No, is it really? Yes, I'm of age today Quite an important day in my life, isn't it? That is why I'm giving this party tonight Do sit down Still arranging flowers Sitting down I wish I had known it was your birthday, Lady Windermere I would have covered the whole street in front of your house With flowers for you to walk on They are made for you Lord Darlington You annoyed me last night at the foreign office I am afraid you are going to annoy me again I? Lady Windermere Enter Parker and Footman's centre with tray and tea things Put it there Parker, that will do Wipes her hands with her pocket handkerchief Goes to tea table and sits down Won't you come over Lord Darlington? Exit Parker centre Takes chair and goes across left centre I am quite miserable, Lady Windermere You must tell me what I did Well, you kept paying me elaborate compliments the whole evening Sits down at table left Smiling, ah Nowadays we are all of us so hard up That the only pleasant things to pay are compliments They're the only things we can pay Shaking her head No, I am talking very seriously You mustn't laugh, I am quite serious I don't like compliments And I don't see why a man should think he is pleasing a woman enormously When he says to her a whole heap of things that he doesn't mean Ah, but I did mean them Takes tea, which she offers him I hope not I should be sorry to have to quarrel with you, Lord Darlington I like you very much, you know that But I shouldn't like you at all if I thought you were what most other men are Believe me, you are better than most other men And I sometimes think you pretend to be worse We all have our little vanities, Lady Windermere Why do you make that your special one? Oh, nowadays so many conceited people go about society pretending to be good That I think it shows rather a sweet and modest disposition to pretend to be bad Besides, there is this to be said If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism Don't you want the world to take you seriously then, Lord Darlington? No, not the world Who are the people the world takes seriously? All the dull people one can think of From the bishops down to the boars I should like you to take me very seriously, Lady Windermere You more than anyone else in life Why? Why me? Because I think we might be great friends Let us be great friends, you may want a friend some day Why do you say that? We all want friends at times I think we're very good friends already, Lord Darlington We can always remain so, as long as you don't Then what? Don't spoil it by saying extravagant, silly things to me You think I am a Puritan, I suppose Well, I have something of the Puritan in me I was brought up like that I am glad of it My mother died when I was a mere child I lived always with Lady Julia, my father's elder sister, you know She was stern to me, but she taught me what the world is forgetting The difference that there is between what is right and what is wrong She allowed of no compromise, I allow of none My dear Lady Windermere Leaning back on the Sothe You look on me as being behind the age Well, I am I should be sorry to be on the same level as an age like this You think the age very bad? Yes Nowadays people seem to look on life as a speculation It is not a speculation It is a sacrament Its ideal is love Its purification is sacrifice Smiling Oh, anything is better than being sacrificed Leaning forward Don't say that I do say it, I feel it, I know it Enter, Parker Center Do men want to know if they are to put the carpets on the terrace for tonight, my lady? You don't think it will rain, Lord Darlington, do you? I won't hear if it's raining on your birthday Tell them to do it at once, Parker Exit, Parker Center Still seated Do you think, then, of course I am only putting an imaginary instance Do you think that in the case of a young married couple Say, about two years married If the husband suddenly becomes the intimate friend of a woman of Well, more than doubtful character He's always calling upon her, lunching with her And probably paying her bills Do you think that the wife should not console herself? Frowning Console herself? Yes, I think she should, I think she has the right Because the husband is vile, should the wife be vile also? Vileness is a terrible word, Lady Windermere It is a terrible thing, Lord Darlington Do you know, I am afraid that good people do a great deal of harm in this world Certainly the greatest harm they do is that they make badness Of such extraordinary importance It is absurd to divide people into good and bad People are either charming or tedious I take the side of the charming And you, Lady Windermere, can't help belonging to them Now Lord Darlington Rising and crossing right, front of him Don't stare, I'm merely going to finish my flowers Goes to the table, right centre Rising and moving chair And I must say I think you are very hard on modern life, Lady Windermere Of course there is much against it, I admit Most women for instance nowadays are rather mercenary Don't talk about such people Well then, setting aside mercenary people who of course are dreadful Do you think seriously that women who have committed what the world calls a fault Should never be forgiven? Standing at table I think they should never be forgiven And men? Do you think that they should be the same laws for men as there are for women? Certainly I think life too complex a thing to be settled by these hard and fast rules If we had these hard and fast rules We should find life much more simple You allow of no exceptions? None What a fascinating puritan you are, Lady Windermere The adjective was unnecessary, Lord Darlington I couldn't help it I can resist everything Except temptation You have the modern affectation of weakness Looking at her It's only an affectation Lady Windermere Enter Parker Center The Duchess of Berwick and Lady Agatha Carlisle Enter the Duchess of Berwick and Lady Agatha Carlisle Center Exit Parker Center Coming down center and shaking hands Dear Margaret, I am so pleased to see you You'll remember Agatha, don't you? Crossing left center How do you do, Lord Darlington? I won't let you know my daughter, you are far too wicked Don't say that, Duchess As a wicked man I am a complete failure Why, there are lots of people who say I have never really done anything wrong in the whole course of my life Of course, they only say it behind my back Isn't he dreadful? Agatha, this is Lord Darlington Mind you don't believe a word he says Lord Darlington crosses right center No, no tea, thank you, dear Crosses and sits on sofa We have just had tea, Lady Markbiz Such bad tea, too, it was quite undrinkable I wasn't at all surprised her own son-in-law supplies it Agatha is looking forward so much to your ball tonight, dear Margaret Seated left center Oh, you mustn't think it's going to be a ball, Duchess It is only a dance in honour of my birthday, a small and early Standing left center, very small, very early and very select, Duchess On sofa, left Of course it's going to be select But we know that, dear Margaret, about your house It is really one of the few houses in London where I can take Agatha And where I feel perfectly secure about, dear Berwick I don't know what society is coming to The most dreadful people seem to go everywhere They certainly come to my parties The men get quite furious if one doesn't ask them Really, someone should make a stand against it I will, Duchess I will have no one in my house about whom there is any scandal Oh, don't say that, Lady Windermere I should never be admitted Oh, men don't matter With women it is different We're good Some of us are, at least But we are positively getting elbowed into the corner Our husbands would really forget our existence If we didn't nag at them from time to time Just to remind them that we have a perfect legal right to do so It's a curious thing, Duchess, about the game of marriage A game, by the way, that is going out of fashion The wives hold all the honours and invariably lose the odd trick The odd trick? Is that the husband, Lord Darlington? It would be rather a good name for the modern husband Dear Lord Darlington, how thoroughly depraved you are Lord Darlington is trivial Oh, don't say that, Lady Windermere Why do you talk so trivially about life, then? Because I think that life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about it Moves up centre What does he mean? Do as a concession to my poor wits, Lord Darlington Just explain to me what you really mean Coming down back of table I think I'd better not, Duchess Nowadays to be intelligible is to be found out Good-bye Shake hands with Duchess And now Goes upstage Lady Windermere Good-bye I may come tonight, may entail Do let me come Standing upstage with Lord Darlington Yes, certainly But you are not to say foolish insincere things to people Smiling You are beginning to reform me It is a dangerous thing to reform anyone Lady Windermere What a charming, wicked creature I like him so much I'm quite delighted he's gone How sweet you're looking Where do you get your gowns? And now I must tell you how sorry I am for you, dear Margaret Crosses the sofa and sits off Lady Windermere Agatha, darling Yes, Mama Risers Will you go and look over the photograph album that I see there? Yes, Mama Goes to table, up left Dear girl, she is so fond of photographs of Switzerland Such a pure taste, I think But I really am so sorry for your Margaret Smiling Why, Duchess? Oh, on account of that horrid woman She dresses so well too, which makes it much worse Set such a dreadful example Augustus, you know my disreputable brother Such a trial to us all Well, Augustus is completely infatuated about her It is quite scandalous For she is absolutely inadmissible into society Many a woman has a past But I am told that she has at least a dozen And that they all fit Whom are you talking about, Duchess? About Mrs. Erlin Mrs. Erlin? I never heard of her, Duchess And what has she to do with me? My poor child Agatha, darling Yes, Mama Will you go out on the terrace and look at the sunset? Yes, Mama Exit through window, left Sweet girl, so devoted to sunsets Show such refinement of feeling, does it not? After all, there is nothing like nature, is there? But what is it, Duchess? Why do you talk to me about this person? Don't you really know? I assure you we're all so distressed about it Only last night at Dear Lady Janssen's Everyone was saying how extraordinary it was That of all men in London, Windermere should behave in such a way My husband? What has he got to do with any woman of that kind? Ah, what indeed, dear That is the point He goes to see her continually and stops for hours at a time And while he is there, she is not at home to any one Not that many ladies call on her, dear But she has a great many disreputable men, friends My own brother particularly, as I told you And that is what makes it so dreadful about Windermere We looked upon him as being such a model husband But I am afraid there is no doubt about it My dear nieces, you know the Savile Girls, don't you? Such nice domestic creatures Plain, dreadfully plain, but so good Well, they are always at the window doing fancy work And making ugly things for the poor Which I think so useful of them in these dreadful socialistic days And this terrible woman has taken a house in Curson Street Right opposite them, such a respectable street, too I don't know what we're coming to And they tell me that Windermere goes there four and five times a week They see him, they can't help it And although they never talk scandal, they well, of course They remark on it to everyone And the worst of it all is that I have been told That this woman has got a great deal of money out of somebody For it seems that she came to London six months ago Without anything at all to speak of And now she has this charming house in Mayfair Drives her ponies in the park every afternoon and all Well, all, since she has known poor dear Windermere Oh, I can't believe it But it's quite true, my dear, the whole of London knows it That is why I felt it was better to come and talk to you And advise you to take Windermere away at once to Homburg or to Ex Where he'll have something to amuse him And where you can watch him all day long I assure you, my dear, that on several occasions after I was first married I had to pretend to be very ill and was obliged to drink the most unpleasant mineral waters Merely to get Berwick out of town He was so extremely susceptible Though I am bound to say he never gave away any large sums of money to anybody He is far too high principled for that Duchess, Duchess, it's impossible Rising and crossing stage to centre We are only married two years Our child is but six months old Sets and chair, right of left table Ah, the dear pretty baby How is the little darling? Is it a boy or a girl? I hope a girl Ah, no, I remember it's a boy I'm so sorry Boys are so wicked My boy is excessively immoral You wouldn't believe at what hours he comes home And he's only left Oxford a few months I really don't know what they teach them there Are all men bad? Oh, all of them, my dear, all of them without any exception And they never grow any better Men become old, but they never become good Windermere and I married for love Yes, we begin like that It was only Barrick's brutal and incessant threats of suicide That made me accept him at all And before the year was out He was running after all kinds of petticoats Every colour, every shape, every material In fact, before the honeymoon was over I caught him winking at my maid A most pretty respectable girl I dismissed her at once without a character No, I remember I passed her on to my sister Poor dear Sir George is so short-sighted I thought it wouldn't matter But it did, though It was most unfortunate Rises And now, my dear child, I must go as we're dining out And mind you don't take this little aberration Of Windermere's too much to heart Just take him abroad and he'll come back to your right Come back to me Yes, dear, these wicked women Get our husbands away from us But they always come back Slightly damaged, of course And don't make scenes Men hate them It is very kind of you Duchess To come and tell me all this I can't believe that my husband is untrue to me Pretty child, I was like that once Now I know that all men are monsters Lady Windermere rings bell The only thing to do is to feed the riches well A good cook does wonders and that I know you have My dear Margaret, you're not going to cry I'm not needing to be afraid, Duchess I never cry That's quite right, dear Crying is the refuge of plain women But the ruin of pretty ones Agatha, darling Entering left Yes, Mama Stands back of table, left centre Come and bid goodbye to Lady Windermere And thank her for your charming visit Coming down again I must thank you for sending a card to Mr Hopper He's that rich, young Australian People are taking such notice of just at present His father made a great fortune By selling some kind of food in circular tins Most palatable, I believe I fancy it is the thing the servants Always refuse to eat But the son is quite interesting I think he's attracted by dear Agatha's clever talk Of course we should be very sorry to lose her But I think that a mother who doesn't part With a daughter every season Has no real affection We're coming tonight, dear Parker opens centre doors And remember my advice Take the poor fellow out of town at once It is the only thing to do Goodbye once more Come, Agatha Exeunt Duchess and Lady Agatha centre How horrible! I understand now what Lord Darlington meant By the imaginary instance Of the couple not two years married Oh, it can't be true She spoke of enormous sums of money paid to this woman I know where Arthur keeps his bank book From one of the drawers of that desk I might find out by that I will find out Open's drawer No, it is some hideous mistake Rises and goes centre Some silly scandal He loves me, he loves me But why should I not look I am his wife, I have a right to look Returns to bureau, takes out book And examines it page by page I knew it There is not a word of truth in this stupid story Put's book back in drawer As she does so, starts and takes out another book A second book? Private? Locked? Tries to open it, but fails Sees paper knife on bureau And with it cuts cover from book Begins to start at the first page Mrs. Erlin, six hundred pounds Mrs. Erlin, seven hundred pounds Mrs. Erlin, four hundred pounds It is true, it is true How horrible Throws book on floor Enter Lord Windermere, centre Well dear, has the fan been sent home yet? Going right centre, sees book Margaret, you have cut open my bank book You have no right to do such a thing You think it wrong that you are found out, don't you? I think it is wrong that a wife should spy on her husband I did not spy on you I never knew of this woman's existence till half an hour ago Someone who pitied me was kind enough to tell me What everyone in London knows already Your daily visits to Curson Street Your mad infatuation The monstrous sums of money you squander on this infamous woman Crossing left Margaret, don't talk like that of Mrs. Erlin You don't know how unjust it is Turning to him You are very jealous of Mrs. Erlin's honour I wish you had been as jealous of mine Your honour is untouched, Margaret You don't think for a moment that Put spoke back into desk I think that you spend your money strangely, that is all Oh, don't imagine I mind about the money As far as I am concerned you may squander everything we have But what I do mind is that you who have loved me You who have taught me to love you Should pass from the love that is given to the love that is bought Oh, it's horrible Sits on sofa And it is I who feels graded You don't feel anything I feel stained, utterly stained You can't realise how hideous the last six months seem to me now Every kiss you have given me is tainted in my memory Crossing to her Don't say that, Margaret I never loved anyone in the whole world but you Risers Who is this woman then? Why do you take a house for her? I did not take a house for her You gave her the money to do it, which is the same thing Margaret, as far as I have known Mrs. Erlin Is there a Mr. Erlin or is he a myth? My husband died many years ago She is alone in the world No relations? None Rather curious isn't it? Margaret, I was saying to you and I beg you to listen to me That as far as I have known Mrs. Erlin She has conducted herself well If years ago Oh, I don't want details about her life I am not going to give you any details about her life I tell you simply this Mrs. Erlin was once honored, loved, respected She was well-born She had position She lost everything Throw it away, if you like That makes it all the more bitter Miss fortunes one can endure They come from outside, they are accidents But to suffer for one's own faults Ah, there is the sting of life It was twenty years ago too She was little more than a girl then She had been a wife for even less time than you have I am not interested in her And you should not mention this woman and me in the same breath It is an error of taste Sitting right at the desk Margaret, you could save this woman She wants to get back into society And she wants you to help her Crossing to her Me? Yes, you How impertinent of her Margaret, I came to ask you a great favor And I still ask it of you Though you have discovered what I intended You should never have known That I have given Mrs. Erlin a large sum of money I want you to send her an invitation For our party tonight Standing left of her You are mad Risers I entreat you People may chatter about her Do chatter about her, of course But they don't know anything definite against her She has been to several houses Not to houses where you would go, I admit But still to houses where women who are in What is called society nowadays do go That does not content her She wants you to receive her once As a triumph for her, I suppose No, but because she knows that you are a good woman And that if she comes here once She will have a chance of a happier, A sureer life than she has had She will make no further effort to know you Won't you help a woman who is trying to get back? No, if a woman really repents She never wishes to return to the society That has made or seen her ruin I beg of you Crossing to door right I am going to dress for dinner And don't mention the subject again this evening Arthur Going to him, centre You fancy because I have no father or mother That I am alone in the world And that you can treat me as you choose You are wrong I have friends, many friends Left centre Margaret, you are talking foolishly And recklessly I won't argue with you But I insist upon your asking, Mrs. Erlin, tonight Right centre I shall do nothing of the kind Crossing, left centre You refuse? Centre Absolutely Ah, Margaret, do this for my sake It is her last chance What has that to do with me? How hard good women are How weak bad men are Margaret, none of us men May be good enough for the women we marry That is quite true But you don't imagine I would ever Oh, this suggestion is monstrous Why should you be different from other men? I am told there is hardly a husband in London Who does not waste his life over some shameful passion I am not one of them I am not sure of that You are sure in your heart But don't make chasm after chasm between us God knows the last few minutes have thrust us Wide enough apart Sit down and write the card Nothing in the world could induce me Crossing to Bureau Then I will Rings electric bell, sits and writes card You are going to invite this woman Crossing to him Yes Pause, enter Parker Parker Yes, my lord Come down, left centre Have this note sent to Mrs. Erlin At number 84A Curzon Street Crossing to left centre And giving note to Parker There is no answer Exit Parker centre Arthur, if that woman comes here I shall insult her Margaret, don't say that I mean it Child, if you did such a thing There's not a woman in London Who wouldn't pity you There is not a good woman in London Who would not applaud me We have been too lax We must make an example I propose to begin tonight Picking up fan Yes, you gave me this fan today It was your birthday present If that woman crosses my threshold I shall strike her across the face with it Margaret, you couldn't do such a thing You don't know me Moves right Enter Parker Parker Yes, my lady I shall dine in my own room I don't want dinner, in fact See that everything is ready by half past ten And Parker, be sure you pronounce The names of the guests very distinctly tonight Sometimes you speak so fast that I miss them I am particularly anxious to hear the names quite clearly So as to make no mistake You understand, Parker Yes, my lady That will do Exit Parker centre Arthur, if that woman comes here I warn you Margaret, you'll ruin us Us? From this moment my life is separate from yours But if you wish to avoid a public scandal Write it once to this woman And tell her that I forbid her to come here I will not, I cannot She must come Then I shall do exactly as I have said Goes right You leave me no choice Exit right Margaret, Margaret My God, what shall I do? I dare not tell her who this woman really is The shame would kill her Sinks down into a chair And buries his face in his hands Act drop End of Act One Lady Windermere's fan Biosco Wilde Second Act This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer Please visit LibriVox.org Lady Windermere's fan Biosco Wilde Second Act Scene Drawing room in Lord Windermere's house Door right up opening into ballroom Where band is playing Door left through which guests are entering Door left up opens onto illuminated terrace Palms, flowers and brilliant lights Room crowded with guests Lady Windermere is receiving them So strange Lord Windermere isn't here Mr Hopper is very late too You have kept those five dances for him, Agatha Comes down Yes, Mama Sitting on sofa Just let me see your card I'm so glad Lady Windermere has revived cards They're a mother's only safeguard You dear simple little thing Scratches out two names No nice girl should ever waltz with such particularly younger sons It looks so fast The last two dances you might pass on the terrace with Mr Hopper Enter Mr Dumby and Lady Plimdale from the ballroom Yes, Mama Fanning herself The air is so pleasant there Mrs Cowper Cowper Lady Stutfield Sir James Royston Mr Guy Berkeley These people enter as announced Good evening, Lady Stutfield I suppose this will be the last ball of the season I suppose so, Mr Dumby It's been a delightful season, hasn't it? Quite delightful Oh, good evening, Duchess I suppose this will be the last ball of the season I suppose so, Mr Dumby It's been a very dull season, hasn't it? Dreadfully dull, dreadfully dull Good evening, Mr Dumby I suppose this will be the last ball of the season Oh, I think not There'll probably be two more Wonders back to Lady Plimdale Mr Rufford Lady Jedburg and Miss Graham Mr Hopper These people enter as announced How do you do, Lady Windermere? How do you do, Duchess? Bowls to Lady Agatha Dear Mr Hopper, how nice of you to come so early We all know how you are run after in London Capital Place, London They're not nearly as exclusive in London as they are in Sydney Ah, we know your value, Mr Hopper We wish they were more like you It would make life so much easier Do you know, Mr Hopper Dear Agatha and I are so much interested in Australia It must be so pretty with all the dear little kangaroos flying about Agatha has found it on the map What a curious shape it is Just like a large packing case However, it is a very young country, isn't it? Wasn't it made at the same time as the others, Duchess? How clever you are, Mr Hopper You have a cleverness quite of your own Now I mustn't keep you I should like to have a dance with Lady Agatha, Duchess Well, I hope she has a dance left Have you a dance left, Agatha? Yes, Mama The next one? Yes, Mama May I have the pleasure? Lady Agatha Bowls Mind you take great care of my little chatterbox, Mr Hopper Lady Agatha and Mr Hopper pass into ballroom Enter Lord Windermere Margaret, I want to speak with you In a moment The music drops Lord Augustus, Lorden Enter Lord Augustus Good evening, Lady Windermere Sir James, will you take me into the ballroom? Augustus has been dining with us tonight I really have had quite enough of dear Augustus for the moment Sir James Royston gives the Duchess his arm And escorts her into the ballroom Mr and Mrs Arthur Bowden Lord and Lady Paisley Lord Darlington These people enter as announced Coming up to Lord Windermere I want to speak to you particularly, dear boy I'm worn to a shadow No, I don't look it None of us men do look what we really are Damned good thing, too What I want to know is this Who is she? Where does she come from? Why hasn't she got any damned relations? Damned nuisance relations But they make one so damned respectable You are talking of Mrs Earlean, I suppose I only met her six months ago Till then I never knew of her existence You have seen a good deal of her since then Coldly Yes, I've seen a good deal of her since then I have only just seen her It gad the women are very darn on her I have been dining with Arabella this evening By Jove, you should have heard what she said about Mrs Earlean She didn't leave a rag on her Aside Burwick and I told her that didn't matter much As the lady in question must have an extremely fine figure You should have seen Arabella's expression But look here, dear boy I don't know what to do about Mrs Earlean Hey gad, I might be married to her She treats me with such damned indifference She's deuce clever, too She explains everything Hey gad, she explains you She has got any amount of explanations for you And all of them different No explanations are necessary about my friendship with Mrs Earlean Well, look here, dear old fellow Do you think she will ever get into this damned thing called society? Would you introduce her to your wife? No, you speaking about the confounded bush Would you do that? Mrs Earlean is coming here tonight Your wife has sent her a card Mrs Earlean has received a card Then she's all right, dear boy But why didn't you tell me this before? It would have saved me a heap of worry and down to misunderstandings Lady Agatha and Mr Hopper cross an exit on terrace left upper exit Mr Cecil Graham Enter Mr Cecil Graham Bows to Lady Windermere, passes over and shakes hands with Lord Windermere Good evening, Arthur Why don't you ask me how I am? I like people to ask me how I am It shows a widespread interest in my health Now, tonight I am not at all well Been dining with my people I wonder why it's one's people are always so tedious My father would talk morality after Darrow I told him he was old enough to know better But my experience is that as soon as people are old enough to know better They don't know anything at all Hello, Tuppy Here you're going to be married again Thought you were tired of that game You're excessively trivial, my dear boy Excessively trivial By the way, Tuppy, which is it? Have you been twice married and once divorced Or twice divorced and once married? I say you've been twice divorced and once married It seems so much more probable I have a very bad memory I really don't remember which Moves away, right Lord Windermere, I have something most particular to ask you I'm afraid if you will excuse me I must join my wife Oh, you mustn't dream of such a thing It's most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public It always makes people think that he beats her when they're alone The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks like a happy married life But I'll tell you what it is at supper Moves towards door of ballroom Centre Margaret, I must speak to you Will you hold my fan for me, Lord Dowlington? Thanks Comes down to him Crossing to her Margaret, what you said before dinner was, of course, impossible That woman is not coming here tonight Right, Centre Mrs. Erlen is coming here If you anyway annoy or wound her You will only bring shame and sorrow on us both Remember that Ah, Margaret, only trust me A wife should trust her husband London is full of women who trust their husbands Always recognise them, they look so thoroughly unhappy I am not going to be one of them Lord Dowlington, will you give me back my fan, please? Thanks A useful thing, a fan, isn't it? I want a friend tonight, Lord Dowlington I didn't know I would want one so soon Lady Windermere! I knew the time would come some day But why tonight? I will tell her Must it would be terrible if there are any seen, Margaret Mrs. Erlen Lord Windermere starts Mrs. Erlen enters, very beautifully dressed and very dignified Lady Windermere clutches at her fan, then lets it drop on the floor She bows coldly to Mrs. Erlen, who bows to her sweetly in turn And sails into the room You have dropped your fan, Lady Windermere Picks it up and hands it to her Centre How do you do again, Lord Windermere? How charming your sweet wife looks, quite a picture In a low voice It was terribly rash of you to come The wisest thing I ever did in my life And by the way, you must pay me a good deal of attention this evening I am afraid of the women You must introduce me to some of them The men I can always manage How do you do, Lord Augustus? You have quite neglected me lately I have not seen you since yesterday I am afraid you are faithless, everyone told me so Now really, Mrs. Erlen, allow me to explain No, dear Lord Augustus, you can't explain anything It is your chief charm Ah, if you find charms in me, Mrs. Erlen They converse together Lord Windermere moves uneasily about the room Watching Mrs. Erlen To Lady Windermere How pale you are Cowards are always pale You look faint Come out on the terrace Yes Parker, send my cloak out Crossing to her Lady Windermere, how beautifully your terrace is illuminated Reminds me of Prince Dory as at Rome Lady Windermere bows coldly and goes off with Lord Darlington Oh, how do you do, Mr. Graham? Isn't that your aunt, Lady Jedberg? I should so much like to know her After a moment's hesitation and embarrassment Oh, certainly, if you wish it Aunt Carolyn, allow me to introduce Mrs. Erlen So pleased to meet you, Lady Jedberg Sits beside her on the sofa Your nephew and I are great friends I am so much interested in his political career I think he's sure to be a wonderful success He thinks like a Tory and talks like a radical And that's so important nowadays He's such a brilliant talker, too But we all know from whom he inherits that Lord Allendale was saying to me only yesterday In the park that Mr. Graham talks almost as well as his aunt Most kind of you to say these charming things to me Mrs. Erlen smiles and continues conversation To Cecil Graham Did you introduce Mrs. Erlen to Lady Jedberg? Hand to my dear fellow, couldn't help it That woman can make one do anything she wants How I don't know Hope to goodness she won't speak to me Saunters towards Lady Plyndale To Lady Jedberg On Thursday, with great pleasure Rises and speaks to Lord Windermere, laughing What a bore it is to have to be civil to these old dowagers But they always insist on it To Mr. Dumby Who is that well-dressed woman talking to Windermere? Haven't got the slightest idea Looks like an addition deluxe of a wicked French novel Meant especially for the English market So that is poor Dumby with Lady Plyndale I hear she is frightfully jealous of him He doesn't seem anxious to speak to me tonight I suppose he is afraid of her Those straw-coloured women have dreadful tempers Do you know I think I'll dance with you first, Windermere Lord Windermere bites his lip and frowns It will make Lord Augustus so jealous Lord Augustus Lord Augustus comes down Lord Windermere insists on my dancing with him first And as it's his own house I can't well refuse You know I would much sooner dance with you With the low bow I wish I could think so, Mrs. Erlen You know it far too well I can fancy a person dancing through life with you and finding it charming Placing his hand on his white waistcoat Oh, thank you, thank you You are the most adorable of all ladies What a nice speech So simple and so sincere Just the sort of speech I like Well, you shall hold my bouquet Goes towards ballroom on Lord Windermere's arm Ah, Mr. Dumby, how are you? I am so sorry I've been out the last three times you have called Come and lunch on Friday With perfect nonchalance Delighted Lady Plimdale glares with indignation at Mr. Dumby Lord Augustus follows Mrs. Erlen and Lord Windermere Into the ballroom holding bouquet To Mr. Dumby What an absolute brute you are I never can believe a word you say Why did you tell me you didn't know her? What do you mean by calling on her three times running? You are not to go to lunch there Of course you understand that My dear Lord, I wouldn't dream of going You haven't told me her name yet Who is she? Cough slightly and smooths his hair She's, uh, Mrs. Erlen That woman? Yes, that is what everyone calls her How very interesting How intensely interesting I really must have a good stare at her Goes to door of ballroom and looks in I have heard the most shocking things about her They say she is ruining poor Windermere And Lady Windermere, who goes in for being so proper, invites her How extremely amusing It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing You are to lunch there on Friday Why? Because I want you to take my husband with you He has been so attentive lately That he has become a perfect nuisance Now this woman is just the thing for him He'll dance attendance upon her as long as she lets him And won't bother me I assure you women of that kind are most useful They form the basis of other people's marriages What a mystery you are Looking at him I wish you were I am to myself I'm the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly But I don't see any chance of it just at present They pass into the ballroom and Lady Windermere and Lord Darlington Enter from the terrace Yes, her coming here is monstrous, unbearable I now know what you meant today at tea time Why didn't you tell me right out? You should have I couldn't A man can't tell these things about another man But if I had known he was going to make you ask her here tonight I think I would have told you That insult at any rate you would have been spared I did not ask her He insisted on her coming Against my entreaties, against my commands Oh, the house is tainted for me I feel that every woman here sneers at me as she dances by with my husband What have I done to deserve this? I gave him all my life He took it, used it, spoiled it I am degraded in my own eyes and I lack courage I am a coward Sit down on sofa If I know you at all I know that you can't live with a man who treats you like this What sort of life would you have with him? You would feel that he was lying to you every moment of the day You would feel that the look in his eyes was false His voice false, his touch false, his passion false He would come to you when he was weary of others You would have to comfort him He would come to you when he was devoted to others You would have to charm him You would have to be to him the mask of his real life The cloak to hide his secret You are right, terribly right But where am I to turn? You said you would be my friend, Lord Darlington Tell me what am I to do? Be my friend now Between man and women there is no friendship possible There is passion, enmity, worship, love But no friendship I love you No, no Risers, yes, I love you You are more to me than anything in the whole world What does your husband give you? Nothing Whatever is in him he gives to this wretched woman Whom he has thrust into your society, into your home To shame you before everyone I offer you my life Lord Darlington My life, my whole life Take it and do with it what you will I love you Love you as I have never loved any living thing From the moment I met you I loved you Loved you blindly, adoringly, madly You did not know it then, you know it now Leave this house tonight I won't tell you that the world matters nothing Or the world's voice or the voice of society They matter a great deal They matter far too much But there are moments when one has to choose Between living one's own life fully, entirely, completely Or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence That the world in its hypocrisy demands You have that moment now Choose Oh, my love, choose Moving slowly away from him And looking at him with startled eyes I have not the courage Following her Yes, you have the courage There may be six months of pain, of disgrace even But when you no longer bear his name, when you bear mine Or will be well Margaret, my love, my wife that shall be some day Yes, my wife, you know it What are you now? This woman has the place that belongs by right to you Oh, go, go out of this house with head erect With a smile upon your lips with courage in your eyes All London will know why you did it and who will blame you? No one, if they do what matter Wrong? What is wrong? It's wrong for a man to abandon his wife for a shameless woman It is wrong for a wife to remain with a man who so dishonours her You said once you would make no compromise with things Make none now Be brave, be yourself I'm afraid of being myself Let me think, let me wait My husband may return to me Sit down on sofa And you would take him back You are not what I thought you were You're just the same as every other woman You would stand anything rather than face the censure of a world Whose praise you would despise In a week you will be driving with this woman in the park She will be your constant guest, your dearest friend You would endure anything rather than break with one blow this monstrous tie You're right, you have no courage None Give me time to think I cannot answer you now Passes her hand nervously over her brow It must be now or not at all Rising from the sofa Then not at all You break my heart Mine is already broken Tomorrow I leave England This is the last time I shall ever look on you You'll never see me again For one moment our lives met Our souls touched They must never meet or touch again Goodbye, Margaret Exit How alone I am in life How terribly alone The music stops Enter the Duchess of Berwick and Lord Paisley laughing and talking Other guests come on from ballroom Dear Margaret, I've just been having such a delightful chat with Mrs. Erlin I am so sorry for what I said to you this afternoon about her Of course she must be all right if you invite her A most attractive woman and has such sensible views on life Told me she entirely disapproved of people marrying more than once So I feel quite safe about poor Augustus Can't imagine why people speak against her It's those horrid nieces of mine, the Savile Girls They're always talking scandal Still I should go to Homburg, dear, I really should She is just a little too attractive But where is Agatha? Oh, there she is Lady Agatha and Mr. Hopper enter from terrace, left upper entrance Mr. Hopper, I am very, very angry with you You have taken Agatha out on the terrace and she is so delicate Awfully sorry, goddess, we went out for a moment and then got chatting together Oh, about dear Australia, I suppose Yes Agatha, darling Beckons her over Yes, Mama Aside Did Mr. Hopper definitely Yes, Mama And what answer did you give him, dear child? Yes, Mama My dear one, you always say the right thing Mr. Hopper, James Agatha has told me everything How cleverly you have both kept your secret You don't mind my taking Agatha to Australia then, Dodges? To Australia? Oh, don't mention that dreadful vulgar place Well, she said she'd like to come with me Did you say that, Agatha? Yes, Mama Agatha, you say the most silly things possible I think on the whole that Grosvenor Square would be a more healthy place to reside in There are lots of vulgar people live in Grosvenor Square but at any rate there are no horrid kangaroos crawling about But we'll talk about that tomorrow James, you can take Agatha down She'll come to lunch, of course, James At half-past one instead of two The Duke will wish to say a few words to you, I'm sure I should like to have a chat with Duke, Dodges He has not said a single word to me yet I think you'll find he will have a great deal to say to you tomorrow Exit Lady Agatha with Mr. Hopper And now good night, Margaret I'm afraid it's the old, old story, dear Love, well, not love at first sight But love at the end of the season Which is so much more satisfactory Good night, Duchess Exit the Duchess of Berwick on Lord Paisley's arm My dear Margaret, what a handsome woman your husband has been dancing with I should be quite jealous if I were you Is she a great friend of yours? No Really? Good night, dear Looks at Mr. Dumby and exit Awful man as young Hopper has Ah, Hopper is one of nature's gentlemen The worst type of gentleman I know Sensible woman, Lady Windermere Lots of wives would have objected to Mrs. Allen coming But Lady Windermere has that uncommon thing called common sense And Windermere knows that nothing looks so like innocence As an indiscretion Yes, dear, Windermere is becoming almost modern Never thought he would Bows to Lady Windermere and exit Good night, Lady Windermere What a fascinating woman Mrs. Erlen is She is coming to London on Thursday Won't you come too? I expect the bishop and dear Lady Merton I'm afraid I'm engaged, Lady Jedburg So sorry Come, dear Excent Lady Jedburg and Miss Graham Enter Mrs. Erlen and Lord Windermere Charming bullet has been Quite reminds me of old days Sits on sofa And I see that there are just as many fools In society as there used to be So pleased to find that nothing has altered Except Margaret She's grown quite pretty The last time I saw her, twenty years ago She was a fright and flannel Positive fright, I assure you The dear Duchess And that sweet Lady Agatha Just the type of girl I like Well really, Windermere If I am to be the Duchess's sister-in-law Sitting left of her What are you? Exit Mr. Cecil Graham with rest of guests Lady Windermere watches With the look of scorn and pain Mrs. Erlen and her husband They are unconscious of her presence Oh yes, he's to call tomorrow at twelve o'clock He wanted to propose tonight In fact he did, he kept on proposing Poor Augustus, you know how he repeats himself Such a bad habit But I told him I wouldn't give him an answer till tomorrow Of course I am going to take him And I dare say I'll make him an admirable wife as wives go And there is a great deal of good in Lord Augustus Fortunately it is all on the surface Just where good qualities ought to be Of course you must help me in this matter I am not called on to encourage Lord Augustus, I suppose Oh no, I do the encouraging But you will make me a handsome settlement, Windermere, won't you? Frowning Is that what you want to talk to me about tonight? Yes With the gesture of impatience I will not talk of it here Laughing Then we will talk of it on the terrace Even business should have a picturesque background Sure did not, Windermere With a proper background women can do anything What tomorrow do as well? No, you see tomorrow I am going to accept him And I think it would be a good thing if I was able to tell them that I had Well, what shall I say? Two thousand pounds a year left me by a third cousin Or a second husband or some distant relative of that kind It would be an additional attraction, wouldn't it? You have a delightful opportunity now of paying me a compliment, Windermere But you are not very clever at paying compliments I am afraid Margaret doesn't encourage you in that excellent habit It's a great mistake on her part When men give up saying what is charming They give up thinking what is charming But seriously, what do you say to two thousand pounds? Two thousand five hundred pounds, I should think In modern life margin is everything Windermere, don't you think the world an intensely amusing place? I do Exit on terrace with Lord Windermere Music strikes up in ballroom To stay in this house any longer is impossible Tonight, a man who loves me offered me his whole life I refused it It was foolish of me, I will offer him mine now I will give him mine, I will go to him Put some cloak and goes to the door, then turns back Sets down at table and writes a letter Puts it into an envelope and leaves it on table Arthur has never understood me When he reads this he will He may do as he chooses now with his life I have done with mine as I think best As I think right It is he who has broken the bond of marriage Not I I only break its bondage Exit Parker enters left and crosses towards the ballroom right Enter Mrs. Erlen Is Lady Windermere in the ballroom? Her ladyship has just gone out Gone out? But she's not on the terrace No madam, her ladyship has just gone out of the house Starts and looks at the servant With a puzzled expression on her face Out of the house? Yes madam Her ladyship told me she had left a letter For his lordship on the table A letter for Lord Windermere Yes madam Thank you Exit Parker The music in the ballroom stops Gone out of her house? A letter addressed to her husband Goes over to Bureau and looks at letter Takes it up and lays it down again With a shadow of fear No, no, it would be impossible Life doesn't repeat its tragedies like that Why does this horrible fancy come across me? Why do I remember now the one moment of my life I most wish to forget? Does life repeat its tragedies? Tears later open and reads it Then sinks down into a chair With a gesture of anguish Oh, how terrible! The same words that twenty years ago I wrote to her father And how bitterly I have been punished for it No, my punishment My real punishment is tonight, it's now Still seated, right Enter Lord Windermere Left upper entrance Have you said good night to my wife? Come centre Crushing letter in her hand Yes Where is she? She is very tired She has gone to bed She said she had a headache I must go to her You'll excuse me Rising hurriedly No, it's nothing serious She's only very tired, that is all Besides, there are people still in the supper room She wants you to make her apologies to them She said she didn't wish to be disturbed Drops letter She asked me to tell you Picks up letter You have dropped something Oh, yes, thank you, that is mine Put's out her hand, take it Still looking at letter But it's my wife's handwriting, isn't it? Yes, it's an address Will you ask them to call my carriage, please? Certainly Goes left and exit Thanks What can I do? What can I do? I feel a passion awakening within me that I'd ever felt before What can it mean? The daughter must not be like the mother That would be terrible How can I save her? How can I save my child? A moment may ruin a life Who knows that better than I? Windermere must be got out of the house That is absolutely necessary Goes left But how can I do it? It must be done somehow Ah Enter Lord Augustus, right up her entrance Carrying bouquet Dear lady, I am in such suspense May I not have an answer to my request? Lord Augustus, listen to me You ought to take Lord Windermere down to your club at once And keep him there as long as possible You understand? But you said you wished me to keep early hours Nervously Do what I tell you Do what I tell you And my reward? Your reward? Your reward? Oh, ask me that tomorrow But don't let Windermere out of your sight tonight If you do, I will never forgive you I will never speak to you again I'll have nothing to do with you Remember, you ought to keep Windermere at your club And don't let him come back tonight Exit left Well, really, I might be her husband already Positively I might Follows her in a bewildered manner Act drop End of Act 2 Lady Windermere's fan Biosca Wilde, third act This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer Please visit LibriVox.org Lady Windermere's fan by Oscar Wilde, third act Scene Lord Darlington's rooms A large sofa is in front of the fireplace right At the back of the stage a curtain is drawn across the window Doors left and right Table right with writing materials Table centre with siphons, glasses and tantalus frame Table left with cigar and cigarette box Lamps lit Standing by the fireplace Why doesn't he come? This waiting is horrible He should be here Why is he not here to wake by passionate words Some fire within me I am cold, cold as a loveless thing Arthur must have read my letter by this time If he cared for me he would have come after me Would have taken me back by force But he doesn't care He's entrammeled by this woman Fascinated by her, dominated by her If a woman wants to hold a man She has merely to appeal to what is worst in him We make gods of men and they leave us Others make brutes of them And they fawn and are faithful How hideous life is Oh, it was mad of me to come here horribly mad And yet which is the worst, I wonder To be at the mercy of a man who loves one Or the wife of a man who in one's own house dishonours one What woman knows What woman in the whole world But will he love me always This man to whom I am giving my life What do I bring him Lips that have lost the note of joy Eyes that are blinded by tears Chill hands and icy heart I bring him nothing I must go back No, I can't go back My letters put me in their power Arthur would not take me back That fatal letter No Lord Darlington leaves England tomorrow I will go with him I have no choice Sits down for a few moments Then starts up and puts on a cloak No, no, I will go back Let Arthur do with me what he pleases I can't wait here It has been madness my coming I must go at once As for Lord Darlington Oh, here he is What shall I do? What can I say to him? Will he let me go away at all? I have heard that men are brutal, horrible Oh! Hides her face in her hands Enter, Mrs. Erlen left Lady Windermere Looks up, then recoils in contempt Thank heaven I am in time You must go back to your husband's house immediately Must? Yes, you must There is not a second to be lost Lord Darlington may return at any moment Don't come near me Oh! you are on the brink of ruin You are on the brink of a hideous precipice You must leave this place at once My carriage is waiting at the corner of the street You must come with me and drive straight home Lady Windermere throws off her cloak and flings it on the sofa What are you doing? Mrs. Erlen, if you had not come here I would have gone back But now that I see you I feel nothing in the whole world would induce me to live under the same roof as Lord Windermere You fill me with horror There is something about you that stares the wildest rage within me And I know why you are here My husband sent you to lure me back to serve as a blind to whatever relations exist between you and him Oh! you don't think that You can't Go back to my husband, Mrs. Erlen He belongs to you and not to me I suppose he is afraid of a scandal Men are such cowards They outrage every law of the world and are afraid of the world's tongue But he had better prepare himself He shall have a scandal He shall have the worst scandal in London for years He shall see his name in every vile paper Mine on every hideous placard No, no! Yes, he shall Had he come himself I admit I would have gone back to the life of degradation you and he had prepared for me I was going back But to stay himself at home and to send you as his messenger Oh! it was infamous infamous Centre Lady Windermere, you wrong me horribly You wrong your husband horribly He doesn't know you were here He thinks you were safe in your own house He thinks you're asleep in your own room He never read the mad letter you wrote to him Right Never read it? No, he knows nothing about it How simple you think me Going to her You are lying to me Restraining herself I am not I am telling you the truth If my husband didn't read my letter how is it that you are here? Who told you I'd left the house you were shameless enough to enter? Who told you where I had gone to? My husband told you and sent you to decoy me back Crosses left Right centre Your husband has never seen the letter I saw it, I opened it, I read it Turning to her You opened a letter of mine to my husband? You wouldn't dare Dare? Oh, to save you from the abyss into which you were falling There is nothing in the world I would not dare Nothing in the whole world Here is the letter Your husband has never read it He never shall read it Going to fireplace It should never have been written Tears it and throws it into the fire With infinite contempt in her voice and look How do I know that that was my letter after all? You seem to think the Communist device can take me in How why do you disbelieve everything I tell you? What object do you think I have in coming here except to save you from utter ruin to save you from the consequence of a hideous mistake? That letter that is burnt now was your letter I swear it to you You took good care to burn it before I had examined it I cannot trust you You whose whole life is a lie Could you speak the truth about anything? Sit down Think as you like about me Say what you choose against me but go back Go back to the husband you love I do not love him You do and you know that he loves you He does not understand what love is He understands it as little as you do But I see what you want It would be a great advantage for you to get me back Dear heaven, what a life I would have then Living at the mercy of a woman who has neither mercy nor pity in her A woman whom it is an infamy to meet A degradation to know A vile woman A woman who comes between husband and wife With the gesture of despair Lady Windermere Lady Windermere don't say such terrible things You don't know how terrible they are How terrible and how unjust Listen, you must listen Only go back to your husband And I promise you never to communicate with him again on any pretext Never to see him Never to have anything to do with his life or yours The money that he gave me He gave me not through love but through hatred Not in worship but contempt The hold I have over him Rising Ah, you admit you have a hold Yes, and I will tell you what it is It is his love for you, Lady Windermere You expect me to believe that? You must believe it It is true It is his love for you that has made him submit to Oh, call it what you like Tyranny, threats, anything you choose But it is his love for you His desire to spare you Shame, yes, shame and disgrace What do you mean? You are insolent What have I to do with you? Nothing, I know it But I tell you that your husband loves you That you may never meet with such love again in your whole life That such love you will never meet And that if you throw it away The day may come when you will starve for love And it will not be given to you Beg for love and it will be denied you Oh, Arthur loves you Arthur, and you tell me there is nothing between you Lady Windermere, before heaven Your husband is guiltless of all offence towards you And I, I tell you that had it ever occurred to me That such a monstrous suspicion would have entered your mind I would have rather died than have crossed your life for his Who died, gladly died Moves away to so far right You talk as if you had a heart Women like you have no hearts Heart is not in you You are bought and sold Sits left centre Start with the gesture of pain Then restrains herself And comes over to where Lady Windermere is sitting As she speaks She stretches out her hands towards her But does not dare to touch her Believe what you choose about me I am not worth a moment's sorrow But don't spoil your beautiful young life on my account You don't know what may be in store for you Unless you leave this house at once You don't know what it is to fall into the pit To be despised, mocked, abandoned, sneered at To be an outcast, to find the door shut against one To have to creep in by hideous by-ways Afraid every moment lest the mask should be stripped from one's face And all the while to hear the laughter The horrible laughter of the world A thing more tragic than all the tears the world has ever shed You don't know what it is One pays for one's sin And then one pays again And all one's life one pays You must never know that As for me If suffering be an expiation Then at this moment I have expiated all my faults Whatever they have been For tonight you have made a heart in one who had it not Made it and broken it But let that pass I may have wrecked my own life, but I will not let you wreck yours You—why, you are a mere girl, you would be lost You haven't got the kind of brains that enables a woman to get back You have neither the wit nor the courage You couldn't stand dishonour No Go back, Lady Windermere, to the husband who loves you whom you love You have a child, Lady Windermere Go back to that child who even now, in pain or in joy, may be calling to you Lady Windermere rises God gave you that child He will require from you that you make his life fine That you watch over him What answer will you make to God if his life is ruined through you? Back to your house, Lady Windermere Your husband loves you He has never swerved for a moment from the love he bears you But even if he had a thousand loves you must stay with your child If he was harsh to you, you must stay with your child If he ill-treated you, you must stay with your child If he abandoned you, your place is with your child Lady Windermere bursts into tears and buries her face in her hands Rushing to her Lady Windermere Holding out her hands to her, helplessly, as a child might do Take me home, take me home She's about to embrace her, then restrains herself There is a look, a wonderful joy in her face Come, where is your cloak? Getting it from Sofa Here, put it on, come at once They go to the door Stop, don't you hear voices? No, no, there was no one There is, listen Oh, that is my husband's voice He's coming in, save me Oh, it is some plot you have sent for him Voices outside Silence, I'm here to save you if I can But I fear it is too late There Points to the curtain across the window The first chance you have, slip out if you ever get a chance But you Find me, I'll face them Lady Windermere hides herself behind the curtain Outside Not since dear Windermere, you must not leave me Lord Augustus, that it is I who am lost Hesitates for a moment, then looks round and sees door right And exits through it Enter Lord Darlington, Mr. Dumby, Lord Windermere Lord Augustus Lawton, and Mr. Cecil Graham What a nuisance they are turning us out of the club at this hour It's only two o'clock Sinks into a chair A lively part of the evening's only just beginning Urgh Yorns encloses his eyes It is very good of you, Lord Darlington Allowing Augustus to force our company on you But I'm afraid I can't stay long Really? I'm so sorry You'll take a cigar, won't you? Thanks Sits down To Lord Windermere My dear boy, you must not dream of going I have a great deal to talk to you about Of damned importance, too Sits down with him at left table Oh, we all know what that is Tuppy can't talk about anything but Mrs. Erlen Well, that is no business of yours, is it, Cecil? None! That's why it interests me My own business always bores me to death I prefer other peoples Have something to drink, you fellows Cecil, you'll have a whiskey and soda? Thanks Goes to table with Lord Darlington Mrs. Erlen looked very handsome tonight, didn't she? I am not one of her admirers I usant to be, but I am now Why, she actually made me introduce her to poor dear Aunt Carolyn I believe she is going to lunch there In purple, no? She is, really? Excuse me, you fellows I'm going away tomorrow, and I have to write a few letters Goes to writing table and sits down Clever woman, Mrs. Erlen Hello, Dumbie, I thought you were asleep I am, I usually am A very clever woman I know very well what a damned fool I am Knows it as well as I do myself Cecil Graham comes towards him, laughing Ha! You may laugh, my boy But it is a great thing to come across a woman that thoroughly understands one It is an awfully dangerous thing I always end by marrying one But I thought, Tuppy, you were never going to see her again Yes, you told me so yesterday evening at the club You'd heard Whispering to him Oh, she's explained that And the Weissburden affair? She's explained that, too And her income, Tuppy, has she explained that? In a very serious voice She's going to explain that tomorrow Cecil Graham goes back to centre table Awfully commercial, women nowadays Our grandmothers threw their caps over the mills, of course They drove their granddaughters only through their caps over mills That can raise the wind for them You want to make her out a wicked woman, she is not Oh, wicked women bother one Good women bore one That is the only difference between them Buffing a cigar Mrs. Erlen has a future before her Mrs. Erlen has a past before her I prefer a woman with a past They're always so damned amusing to talk to Well, you'll have lots of topics of conversation with her, Tuppy Rising and going to him You're getting annoying, dear boy You're getting damned annoying Puts his hands on his shoulders Now, Tuppy, you've lost your figure and you've lost your character Don't lose your temper, you have only got one My dear boy, if I wasn't the most good-natured man in London We'd treat you with more respect, wouldn't we, Tuppy The youth of the present day are quite monstrous They have absolutely no respect for dyed hair Lord Augustus looks round angrily Mrs. Erlen has a very great respect for dear Tuppy Then Mrs. Erlen sets an admirable example to the rest of her sex It is perfectly brutal the way most women nowadays behave to men who are not their husbands Don't be, you are ridiculous And Cecil, you let your tongue run away from you You must leave Mrs. Erlen alone You don't really know anything about her And you're always talking scandal against her Coming towards him, left centre My dear Arthur, I never talk scandal I only talk gossip What is the difference between scandal and gossip? Oh, gossip is charming History is merely gossip Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality Now I never moralise A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite And a woman who moralises is invariably plain There is nothing in the whole world So unbecoming to a woman as a nonconformist conscience And most women know it, I'm glad to say Just my sentiments, dear boy Just my sentiments Sorry to hear it, Tuppy Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong My dear boy, when I was your age But you never were, Tuppy And you never will be Goes up centre I say, darling Tuppy Let us have some cards, you'll play Arthur, won't you? No, thanks, Cecil With a sigh Good heavens! How marriage ruins a man It is demoralising as cigarettes Far more expensive You'll play, of course, Tuppy Purring himself out of brandy and soda at table Can't, dear boy Promised Mrs. Erlin never to play or drink again Now, my dear Tuppy Don't be led astray into the paths of virtue Reformed you would be perfectly tedious That is the worst of women They always want one to be good And if we are good, when they meet us They don't love us at all They like to find us quite irretrievably bad And to leave us quite unretractively good Rising from right table We here's been writing letters They always do find us bad I don't think we are bad I think we are all good, except Tuppy No We are all in the gutter But some of us are looking at the stars Sit down at centre table We are all in the gutter But some of us are looking at the stars Upon my word you are very romantic tonight, Arlington Too romantic! You must be in love Who is the girl? The woman I love is not free Or thinks she isn't Glances instinctively at Lord Windermere While he speaks A married woman, then Well, there's nothing in the world Like the devotion of a married woman It's a thing no married man knows anything about Oh, she doesn't love me She's a good woman She's the only good woman I've ever met in my life The only good woman you have ever met in your life? Yes Lighting a cigarette Well, you are a lucky fellow Why, I have met hundreds of good women I never seem to meet any but good women The world is perfectly packed with good women To know them as a middle-class education This woman has purity and innocence She has everything we men have lost My dear fellow What on earth should we men do Going about with purity and innocence? A carefully thought-out buttonhole Is much more effective No, she doesn't really love you, then No, she does not Well, I congratulate you, my dear fellow In this world there are only two tragedies One is not getting what one wants And the other is getting it The last is much the worse The last is a real tragedy But I am interested to hear she does not love you How long could you love a woman Who did not love you, Cecil? A woman who didn't love me? Oh, all my life So could I But it's so difficult to meet one How can you be so conceited, dumby? I didn't say it as a matter of conceit I said it as a matter of regret I have been wildly, madly adored I am sorry I have It's been an immense nuisance I should like to be allowed a little time to myself now and then Looking round Time to educate yourself, I suppose No, time to forget all that I've learned That's much more important, dear Tappy Lord Augustus moves uneasily in his chair What cynics you fellows are Sitting on the back of the sofa What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything And the value of nothing And a sentimentalist, my dear Darlington Is a man who sees an absurd value in everything And doesn't know the market price of any single thing You always amuse me, Cecil You talk as if you were a man of experience I am Moves up to front of fireplace You're far too young That is a great error Experience is a question of instinct about life I have got it, Tappy hasn't Experience is the name Tappy gives to his mistakes That is all Lord Augustus looks round indignantly Experiences the name everyone gives to their mistakes Standing with his back to the fireplace One shouldn't commit any Sees Lady Windermere's fan on sofa Life would be very dull without them Of course you are quite faithful to this woman You are in love with Darlington To this good woman Cecil, if one really loves a woman All other women in the world Become absolutely meaningless to one Love changes one I am changed Dear me, how very interesting Tappy, I want to talk to you Lord Augustus takes no notice There's no use talking to Tappy You might as well talk to a brick wall But I like talking to a brick wall It's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me Tappy Well, what is it? What is it? Rising and going over to Cecil Graham Come over here I want you particularly Aside Darlington has been moralizing And talking about the purity of love And that sort of thing And he has caught some woman in his rooms All the time No, really, really In a low voice Yes, here is her fan Points to the fan Chuckling By Jove, by Jove Up by Dore I am really off now, Lord Darlington I am sorry you are leaving England so soon Pray call on us when you come back My wife and I will be charmed to see you Upstage with Lord Windermere I am afraid I shall be away for many years Good night Arthur What? I want to speak to you for a moment No, do come Putting on his coat I can't, I'm off It is something very particular It will interest you enormously Smiling Is it some of your nonsense, Cecil? It isn't, it isn't really Going to him My dear fellow, you mustn't go yet I have a lot to talk to you about And Cecil has something to show you Walking over Well, what is it? Darlington has got a woman here in his rooms Here is her fan Amusing, isn't it? Good God Ceases the fan Dumby rises What is the matter? Lord Darlington Turning round, yes? What is my wife's fan doing here in your rooms? Hands off, Cecil, don't touch me Your wife's fan? Yes, here it is Walking towards him I don't know You must know I demand an explanation Cecil Graham Don't hold me, you fool She's here after all Speak, sir, why is my wife's fan here? Answer me, my God I'll search your rooms, and if my wife's here I'll Moves You shall not search my rooms You have no right to do so You scoundrel, I'll not leave your room till I have Searched every corner of it What moves behind that curtain? Rashes towards the curtain centre Enters behind right Lord Windermere Mrs. Olin Everyone starts and turns round Lady Windermere slips out from behind the curtain And glides from the room left I am afraid I took your wife's fan and mistake for my own When I was leaving your house tonight I am so sorry Takes fan from him Lord Windermere looks at her in contempt Lord Darlington in mingled astonishment and anger Lord Augustus turns away The other men smile at each other Act drop End of Act 3