 Hey Abbott, what time is it to pay the clock, Costello? We're only here for PDQ gasoline. Here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go to the Abbott and Costello show. This is the new transcribed Abbott and Costello show with their new singing discovery, Susan Miller and Matty Melnick Orchestra. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Abbott and Luke Costello. I am Costello. What are you so happy about? Well, it's wonderful here in California, Abbott. The sun is shining, the flowers in their buds, the bees in their honey, the cats in their honey. Wait a minute, Costello. Cats don't have any honey. No? Then why does our cats stay out until 4 o'clock every morning? Nah. What are you doing with that knife and that gun stuck in your belt? Abbott, all California drivers carry a knife and gun. What for? So they can shoot up one street and cut down the other. Well, you better drive carefully tonight because it's two years east and the streets are very crowded. You're telling me, coming down here a girl, she blew a horn right in my ear? So what? It took me two years to get it out. Our whole family is going to stay up until midnight, Abbott. You welcome in the new year? No. None of them have worked in a year and a half and they want to hear what a factory whistle sounds like. Well, I suppose they'll all be celebrating tonight. Oh, indeed. Oh, but my Uncle Mike, Aunt May made him sign the pledge. It was as easy as a twist to the wrist. Now, how does he do it? He's twisted his wrist. What have you got in that big bottle? Champagne. That's mum. All that champagne is mum, certainly. Well, uh, will your mum be loaded tonight? It's mum champagne, that's the best kind. When you open the cork, pop! The champagne is mum and the cork, pop! That's a pretty picture. Mum could throw a champagne and pop lines up at the cork. Why didn't you come to my house in that castle? Let me have it. We had a party last year. What games we played? Drawing pictures. Right. Hey, wait a minute. Remember how I drew a picture of a taxi cab on the wall? Yeah, and at four o'clock we all got in it and go home. Well, when you keep quiet, Castello, that's enough of you. Give my friend here a chance at the microphone. I'd like to bring you greetings and best wishes, too, from the men you ought to know. There's Jim Anderson up in San Francisco. George Clay, Los Angeles. Daniel Brenning in Walnut, California. And A.W. Thornton out in Ontario. And then, too, there's Herman Geldo Apadaco in Cucamonga and another Los Angeles man, Everett L. Miller. Who are they? Well, they're some of the new PDQ independent dealers. Some automotive experts. Men who operate their own filling stations. Who decided the PDQ has the quality, the reputation, and the value they insist on giving their customers. That's why these new PDQ dealers, like so many before them, have decided to stake their personal business success on the PDQ name. We're proud to welcome these men into the PDQ family. More and more independent dealers are selecting PDQ as the gasoline to sell. For these men know that what's good for your car is good for their business. And they know that motorists get more for their money when they fill up with PDQ. And now, Abbott and Costello. Costello, Costello, put that gun down. The idea of bringing that gun to the studio. Oh, that ain't a real revolver, Abbott. It's a cigarette lighter. I'll tell you how it works. I'll put the cigar on my mouth and when I pull the cigarette, we'll light my cigar. Now, you'd better be careful. That's a pretty short cigar. Watch out for your nose. Don't worry. Oh, well, things don't smell too good around here anyway. You talk sense. What's the idea of having that big piece of, that big piece of Mrs. O'Pim on your head? This isn't true. Yes, but I ain't. Yeah. You idiot. The old year passes out in just a few hours. And you'll be far behind it. Oh, cut that out. Last year, you beat it by eight minutes. Costello, what's that you've got on your hand? It's a medium-sized car for silver McGee. What does it say? I don't know. You have to wax it three times a day for three months before the message comes out. That is it? Oh, continue. Thank you. Well, you made it for Abbott. Well, that's in your way. Oh, I just bought a coat my wife gave me for Christmas. I thought it was a little too short for a battle. You don't guard yourself. You look tired, Louis. I am tired. The fuss is so crowded I had to stand up all the way into Hollywood. You did? Yes. My legs got so numb, I had to pinch them to see if they were mine. Is that so? Yep. My case comes up tomorrow. Well, that's very cute for being laid. That's, Stella, what takes you so long to get here every week? What do you do in the morning? Oh, Abbott, I'm a busy man. I'll give you a brief outline of a day in the life of who got settled. At six o'clock, my alarm clock rings. I jump up and set it off. I said I set it off. I said I set it off! I know we're trying to keep down a budget on a show, but I think we should have pulled a better alarm clock. Never mind. Go ahead. Go ahead. Why is it me I open the door of my room? Quickly, I close it, come back in the room. What happened? I forgot to dress. After I finished dressing, I opened the door again. What's the idea of all those locks and bolts on the door? I can't be too careful, Abbott. There's a gorgeous red-headed bubble dance that lives across the hall from me. And you put all those locks and bolts on your door? No, he did. How could he gain me a go ahead? Well, I don't want to disturb anybody till I tip-toe down the hall. I'm wearing my heavy underwear, you know. Now I sneak down the back stairs. There's no back stairs. Step outside into a typically beautiful California date. I forgot there was a slight fog. Well, I didn't want to do. I scrolled. I scrolled leisurely down the street, tipping my hat to the left and right. I take up about eight bucks that way every morning. That's really a perfect mate for an idiot. Thanks, Abbott. But you have to ask my mother first. Are you going to turn over a new lease this year? After this year, I won't see any more nasty things behind your back. Oh, I'm glad to hear that. Hereafter, I'm going to say I'm right to your face. And another thing, I'm giving up drinking hard liquor. You dummy, you don't drink hard liquor. I know, that's what makes it easy to give it up. Hello, boy. Well, it's Susan Miller. Hello, Susan. How are you? You look lovely tonight. Would you give me a kiss? Well, I might give you a good innocent kiss. A what? A good innocent kiss? Don't you know what good innocent kisses are? No, what good are they? Well, never mind that. Why don't you take Susan to the Rose Bowl tomorrow, Castello? Come on. Oh, no, thanks. Oh, all right. Don't go to the game with me. Ah, that's no way to talk, Castello. After all, they only hold the Rose Bowl game one day a year. Yes, and I found out why. Why? It takes the other 364 days to get home. Isn't that crowded, Lewis? Oh, no. Two years ago, the people were packing so tight that the girl next to me fainted. I picked her up in my arms and started for the exit. Yes. Then the state men rushed over to me and said, Well, take her. I said, oh, no, you don't. There's more in there. Go in and get your rose. See what you've done? She'll never go with you, though. Well, I'm going alone anyway, Abbott. I wouldn't miss that Rose Bowl game for anything. You know, my whole family are football players. They are? Oh, sure. My oldest brother was a fullback, and my youngest brother was a tackle. And when I was born, my mother looked at me and said, Pop, this is the end. Castello, I don't think you ever played football. Oh, no. I was captain of the Cucamonga Wash Women. We were a scrub team. That must have been some football team. I'll say it was. We had the cutest little redhead cheerleaders. Every Saturday when a game started, I would grab that little cheerleader and run down the field. Grab the cheerleader? Yes. You're supposed to grab the ball. You grab what you like, and I'll grab what I like. Let's now ask you a few questions about football. Now, what team has the best line? Michigan. All right. Who has the best offensive? The old plenty. No, no, no. Who has the best offensive? Your check. And who has the best back? Eddie Lamar. Castello, pay attention. Now, let's say you're in the game. The open gun is fired. And the fullback kicks off. What do you do? I put on my big, tricky bags and grab the guy who fired the gun. Before! You know you said that some guy fired a gun and the fullback kicked off. I know I'm murder when I see what happens. I'll forget him. Now, the team brings into action Captain Seaton's back to make a pass. That's a pretty sight. One of his best friends just kicked off, and this guy starts to clap his hands. Pay attention. Now they're in for me. The ball is stepped from the center. And the quarterback makes a hole in the left guard. Just as terrible. First the fullback kicks off. Now somebody put a hole through the left guard. Have a curly F.D.I. Get the low-ranger. Get Jane Russell. What do you want with Jane Russell? You get her. I'll think of something. Castello, keep your mind on the football game now. Now the halfback tries a light and runs and loses two feet. And I suppose nobody worries about that either. Certainly not. What's two feet to the halfback? Well, I guess if he had to, he could run through the rest of the game on his knees. Don't worry. On the next play he gets those two feet back. And probably a couple of more. They don't have four feet. Certainly. Brother, is he in trouble? What do you mean? Have you tried to buy shoes lately? There's a game going on. Look, time has just been called. The players are refreshing themselves from the water bucket. What's so funny? The tackle just stumbled and kicked the bucket. How can you stand that laugh when these four fellas are out there dying like flies? Get on with the game. They're calling time out again. Looks like trouble. Uh-oh. What's the matter now? One of the fellas just sprained his little finger. And his teammates are worried. This is serious. This is serious? So far, three guys have been slaughtered. Nobody says a word. All of a sudden, some sissy sprains his little finger. Everybody's running for their doctor. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. The opposing team left the ball and got it. And then the end runs out and falls on the ball. Now the referee is running out. He's jumping up and down, waving his arms. That means the ball is dead. That did it, Abbott. I didn't say nothing when you said that the guy fired that gun and a full-back kicked off. I held back my tears when a quarter-factor stabbed a hole into the left side. I only sniffed a little when the half-back lost the two feet. And I tried to be brave when that tackle kicked the bucket. But when you stand there and tell me that the poor little ball is dead, you have not only blackened the fair name of football, but you have cast aspersions on the clean American sport of partizzi, croquet, dominoes, not to mention skips the rope. There'll be more hijinks in a minute, folks. But first, if you're remarked on another subject. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we pause the midst of this gay hilarity to bring you word of the late. The scientific, the interesting, and instructive aspect of what learners of many leading institutions have called the internal combustion motor and you. Step in closer, please. Give those in the rear a chance to hear. Now you, sir, is your tank low? Not you, Lou. The man in the purple coupe. Very well, sir. I have here an object that is 5,280 feet long. It's called a mile. You will find two to six of these miles. Extra ones, you understand? In each and every gallon of PDQ gasoline you buy. In the untuited mind, it is a feat of most uncommon magic that so many, many long and happy miles of motoring can be put into the small space of a single tank full of PDQ. But get the windshield to, Lou. Scientific tests have shown time and again that the miracle men of PDQ have harnessed the energy of petroleum to give you more for your dollar. Don't take my word for it. Don't strain, feel, sniff, taste, or listen for those extra PDQ miles. Just put a tank full in your car and watch. Observe closely and you should see the extra PDQ mileage on your own speedometer. Not an advertising stuff, not a special offer, but a bona fide transaction between you and the independent PDQ dealer. PDQ gas is sold during the performance and afterwards at your neighborhood PDQ station. Finally remaining your seats now for the Abbot and Costello shows. Now here is the vacious Susan Miller with Maddie Malnick and the orchestra. Maddie, don't get yourself in a sweat When things look great, you struggle and say it must have been from my atrocious Your temper gets in a tough hand All you gotta do is just stop and pass that piece I'd made that hat she'd like to talk about She'd have thought better who she'd ever want to be It's your feeling Maddie's a wet hand Maddie, you can't possibly get Then pass that piece I'd made that time a whole flight So she had to make sure it was useful to pass Don't be crazy Maddie, you can't do it or you'll be strange Fold that hand and wait for fall of that war Hey, and if you find yourself in a fury Be your own judge and your own jury Pass that piece I'd made that hat she'd like to talk about She'd have thought better who she'd ever want to be Write that apology and pass it when you can't celebrate And pass that piece I'd made that hat she'd like to talk about She'd have thought better who she'd ever want to be Yeah, but she'd make Moeyn cherishes o'clock the good human man is here All right, cut it out, cut it out, Castellas Listen, when you cut it out, it's not 12 o'clock yet It's not 12 o'clock yet Look, now, I want you to start the new year I want you to start... Will you listen to me, please? I want you to start the new year With a resolution Huh? I want you to start the new year with a resolution All right, why should I start a resolution? I'm satisfied with the government we got now I mean, don't you want to start the new year with a clean seat? Yes, and clean pillowcases, too Castellas, I'm telling you about good resolutions Things you are going to do next year Oh, them kind of resolutions? Yes I made a whole list of them I wrote them down on a piece of paper First? I will not misplace anything What's next? I don't know, I can't find the paper Any more of them? Oh yes, I promise to give up gambling I'll never make another bet You'll never stick to that How much do you want to bet? And here's my list, Abbott Resolution number one Stop spending my money on girls Number two, stop flirting with girls Number three, stop necking with girls Good! What's number four? Ignore numbers one, two and three Yes, W, you have nothing on your mind with girls Were you out with a girl last night? No, I spent the evening at home I lit a warm, curry fire in my living room But my landlord objected Why? I don't have a fireplace Never mind that What is that you have that rolled up in your pocket there? It's a beautiful calendar for next year Mr. Schiltz, my butcher, gave it to me And look, it's got a picture of Mr. Schiltz's grandfather You idiot, that's a picture of Father Time See, he's got a long white beard And he's got a sickle in his hand So, you know what that sickle is for? To cut his beard? No, no Whenever you see Father Time, you'll find the old man sickle The old man sickle? Certainly Why don't they call it doctor? No, no, no They should let an old man run around sickle He's rival of kids that's the hooker-buffle That's quick to follow up in the step of the cockle Of the neckle He'll wind up on a hot sickle No, no, no He's not much for that kiple All right Will you cook? The sickle I'm talking about I don't cook Will you listen to me? The sickle I'm talking about The sickle I'm talking about is the size Huh? It's the size What size? What size do you want? My size What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You just said that the old man was sickle on the side If he's sickle on the right side, sickle would be very dangerous He might have a pen to sickle Oh, no, look Look, that Father Time in his sickle represents the old year And this little baby's picture alongside him on the calendar is the new year Oh, that's a cute little baby But he certainly wears expensive clothes Expensive clothes? Look at the price tag on his diaper 1948 1948 That's a 1948 calendar And 1948 is a leap year In California, every year is leap year Aw, I can see that You don't look at the face on that calendar I can see you don't look at the pedestrians on Hollywood and Vine Leap year is different from other years What makes it different? Well, it's the year when girls pursue the men It's the year the girls chase men It's the year when the girls trick the men into burying them Any questions? What makes it different? Leap year comes once every four years It's controlled by the stars Have you ever studied the stars? Yes Lots of nights I lay out in my backyard and look up at a big diaper That's big dipper They don't know the stars That's big diaper You don't know my backyard Let's go back to the sickle That was a good one How do you manage to accumulate such an abundance of ignorance? I keep in touch with my congressman Tonight is New Year's Eve Now, what are your plans? I'm taking Ruby Pooke you to a party And we're going to play that new game I invented Tony Express How do you play Tony Express? Just like Post Office With a little more horse in the round You shouldn't run around with that Ruby Pooke you were Why not, bud? I took her to a party last night And if it wasn't for Ruby, the party would have been a failure Why? They couldn't find a bottle opener And she was the only girl there with buck teeth But, Stella, why do you go steady with such a homely girl as Ruby? Homely girls are the best kind to go steady with How do you figure that out? If some guy takes her away from me, I don't lose nothing Ruby Pooke she was not for you She's an educator Oh, she is not Ruby went to college, she went to Notre Dame Now wait a minute, how could Ruby go to Notre Dame? That's a boy's school Abbot, if you play football, they don't ask no questions You won't make any mistakes in the new year I'm going to get you a horoscope A what? A horoscope, you know a horoscope I don't know a horoscope, but I know it's got a horoscope height Oh, come on We're going to visit an astrologer And see what's in store for you for the coming year It's a great Madame Zaza That's a funny name Madame Zaza I brought Castella here to get his horoscope for 1948 Very well Now, Mr. Castello, tell me, what sign were you born under? What sign was I born under? That's right This kid thinks I was born under a billboard No, no, no Castella, she's talking about a zodiac sign Yes, what if you're a sign? That's right What about a zodiac sign? Yes, what if you're a sign? Forest of the Bull or Leo the Lion? Burma the King Never mind that Tell her what day you were born Thursday? How do you know it's Thursday? Well, it's the next day we have fish I have... Castello, in your case, I will have to get your future by the bumps on your head But I ain't got no bumps on my head I will now get your future by the bumps on your head Castello, in 1948, you will be very lucky You're a good business man She's right, Abbott, Madame Zaza I would have been a wealthy man today except for one thing Oh, what's that? I never had any money Please, finish reading the bumps on Castella's head That was a funny one Hold your head down Go ahead, read those bumps, Madame Zaza This bump shows me that you will meet a gorgeous bump And this bump shows me that you will hug you and kiss you and hug you and kiss you and then... Tell me more Well, I can't, you don't have any more bumps Madame Zaza, hit me once more Hey, now I can see your character You are a very shy and bashful boy Castello, shy and bashful? He's right, Abbott I never told you this I'm so bashful I keep the purer in my room Turned toward the wall Why? So it's drawers who will show I would rather go back to sickle I never mind this thing Enough of this Madame Zaza, what does Castello owe you for the reading? $10, but if he pays me $20 I'll give him a lucky gift to drink it Okay, here's the $20 And here's your ticket Hey, hey, this is nothing but a glass of water Well... Abbott, I think that Madame Zaza's nuts Did you notice all the geraniums she has? No, that's nothing Lots of people have geraniums Growing out of their heads? Come on, let's walk back to town I suppose you're going to Ruby's party? No, I'm going to stick with you, Abbott We'll have a big New Year's Eve Now, that's fine Hey, Abbott Hey, Abbott, the people in that house Are they having a choosy of a party? Come on, let's party Come on, we can have a lot of fun Hey, we're brushing up the joints tonight Ruby! Hey, hey, whose house is this? I don't know, I just got here myself Hey, come here Help me throw the stand out the window Come on, let's lift Okay, here's your $20 Abbott, boy, it's just fun Come on, here Move the slip out the window Ruby! Hey, give me the lamp I've got a happy new year Lamp like that is your house Don't stop me, Abbott I'm rolling Here goes the sofa It's off the wall Hey, what do you know? Here's a picture of me I'm going to be back in just a few seconds, folks First, we want you to hear this Good night, we bring you the only commercial you'll hear This New Year's Eve That is not flavored with odd-langsine This one is to be flavored with PDQ Mild Stretching Gasoline We'll forgive you your past purchases of the Well, other brands No, no, no more for me, thank you And we'll turn over a newly, a PDQ lead No, no, I'm doing fine And beginning tomorrow Or maybe the day after We expect you to drive into the neighborhood PDQ service station and fill her up No, no, really, I'm quite happy Fill her up with that superb power That traditional extra mileage That dependable service which have made PDQ gasoline And the independent service station men who sell it The favorites of so many motorists Low these many years Anyone know something else? This old world would be a better place If more people use PDQ gasoline That's what Okay, now, just one lump Now I think we're probably running a little late tonight So you may or may not here 1947's final thing of the Abbott & Costello show Let's stick around and find out My Abbott & Costello with our final words Well, Costello in a few hours will be starting a new year 1948 And I want you to save your money next year I will, Abbott I'll start right now saving on stamps for New Year's cards I'm sending my greetings right now A happy New Year to everybody Including my family, your family Joe Barzo, Mary Barzo Uncle Artie Stebbins, Aunt May and Uncle Mike My mother, my sister Happy New Year to everybody in the world Happy New Year to everybody All over the world We're going to unite at this time for another great Abbott & Costello show Produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanden Featuring Susan Miller and Maddie Malmick This is Michael