 Chapter 42 of Esther Waters Esther kept William with indoors during the winter months. If his health did not improve it got no worse, and she had begun to hope that the breakage of the blood vessel did not mean lung disease. But the harsh winds of spring did not suit him, and there was business with this lawyer to which he was obliged to attend. A determined set was going to be made against the renewal of his license, and he was determined to defeat his opponents. Counsel was instructed, and a great deal of money was spent on the case, but the license was nevertheless refused, and the northeast wind did not cease to rattle. It seemed resolved on William's death, and with the sick husband on her hands and all the money they had invested in the house irreparably lost, Esther began to make preparations for moving. William had proved a kind husband, and in the seven years she had spent in the king's head there had been some enjoyment of life. She couldn't say that she had been unhappy. She had always disapproved of the betting. They had tried to do without it. There was a great deal in life which one couldn't approve of, but Ketley had never been very right in his head, and Sarah Smith's fortune had had very little to do with the king's head. They had all tried to keep her from that man. It was her own fault. There were worse places than the king's head. It wasn't for her to abuse it. She had lived there seven years. She had seen her boy growing up. He was almost a young man now, and had had the best education. That much good the king's head had done, but perhaps it was no longer suited to William's health. The betting, she was tired thinking about that, and that constant nipping, it was impossible for him to keep from it with everyone asking him to drink with him. Her look of fear and distress passed across her face, and she stopped for a moment. She was rolling up a pair of curtains. She did not know how they were to live. That was the worst of it. If they only had back the money they had sunk in the house, she would not so much mind. That was what was so hard to bear. All that money lost, just as if they had thrown it into the river. Seven years of hard work, for she had worked hard, and nothing to show for it. If she had been doing the ground lady all the time, it would have been no worse. Horses had won, and horses had lost. A great deal of trouble and fuss, and nothing to show for it. That was what stuck in her throat. Nothing to show for it. She looked round the dismantled walls, and descended the vacant staircase. She would never serve another pint of beer in that bar. What a strong big fellow he was when she first went to live with him. He was sadly changed. Would she ever see him strong and well again? She remembered he had told her that he was worth nearly three thousand pounds. She hadn't brought him luck. He wasn't worth anything like that today. How much have we in the bank, dear? A bit over six hundred pounds. I was reckoning of it up yesterday. But what do you want to know for? To remind me that I've been losing? Well, I have been losing. I hope you're satisfied. I wasn't thinking of such a thing. Yes, you was. There's no you saying you wasn't. It ain't my fault if the horses don't win. I do the best I can. She did not answer him. Then he said, It's my elf that makes me irritable, dear. You aren't angry, are you? No, dear. I know you don't mean it, and I don't pay no attention to it. She spoke so gently that he looked at her surprised, for he remembered her quick temper, and he said, You're the best wife a man ever had. No, I'm not, Bill, but I try to do my best. The spring was the harshest ever known, and his calf grew worse, and the blood spitting returned. Esther grew seriously alarmed. Their doctor spoke of Brompton Hospital, and she insisted on his going there to be examined. William would not have her come with him, and she did not press the point, fearing to irritate him, but sat at home waiting anxiously for him to return, hoping against hope for their doctor had told her that he feared very long trouble, and she could tell from his face and manner that he had bad news for her. All her strength left her, but she conquered her weakness and said, Now tell me what they said. I have a right to know. I want to know. They said it was consumption. Oh, did they say that? Yes, but they don't mean that I'm going to die. They said they hoped they could patch me up. People often live for years with only half a lung, and it is only the left one that's gone. He coughed slightly and wiped the blood from his lips. Esther was quite overcome. Now don't look like that, he said, or I shall fancy I'm going to die tomorrow. They said they thought they could patch you up. Yes, they said I might go on a long while yet, but that I would never be the man I was. This was so obvious she could not check a look of pity. If you're going to look at me like that, I'd sooner go into the hospital at once. It ain't the cheerfulest of places, but it will be better than air. I'm sorry it was consumption, but if they said they could patch you up it would be all right. It was a great deal for them to say. Her duty was to overcome her grief and speak as if the doctors had told him that there was nothing the matter that a little careful nursing would fail to put right. William had faith in the warm weather, and she resolved to put her trust in it. It was hard to see him wasting away before her eyes and keep cheerful looks in her face and an accent of cheerfulness in her voice. The sunshine which had come at last seemed to suck up all the life that was in him. He grew paler and withered like a plant. Then Illak seemed to have joined in the hunt. He could not touch a winner, and their fortune drained away with his life. Favorites and outsiders it mattered not, whatever he back lost, and Esther dreaded the cry. Winner, all the winner. He sat on the little balcony in the sunny evenings, looking down the back street for the boy to appear with a special. Then she had to go and fetch the paper. On the rare occasions when he won, the spectacle was even more painful. He brightened up. His thin arm and hand moved nervously, and he began to make projects and indulge in hopes which he knew were vain. She insisted, however, on his taking regularly the medicine they gave him at the hospital, and this was difficult to do. For his irritability increased in measure as he perceived the medicine was doing him no good. He found fault with the doctors, railed against them unjustly, and all the while the little calf continued, and the blood spitting returned at the end of true intervals, when he had begun to hope that at least that trouble was done with. One morning he told his wife that he was going to ask the doctors to examine him again. They had spoken of patching him up, but he wanted to know whether he was going to live or die. There was a certain relief in hearing him speak so plainly. She had had enough of the torture of hope and would like to know the worst. He liked better to go to the hospital alone, but she felt that she could not sit at home counting the minutes for him to return, and begged to be allowed to go with him. To her surprise he offered no opposition. She had expected that her request would bring about quite a little scene, but he had taken it so much as a matter, of course, that she should accompany him, that she was doubly glad that she had proposed to go with him. If she hadn't, he might have accused her of neglecting him. She put on her hat. The day was too hot for a jacket. It was the beginning of August, the town was deserted, and the streets looked as if they were about to evaporate or lie down exhausted, and the poor, dry, dusty air that remained after the season was too poor even for estrus healthy lines. It made William cough, and she hoped the doctors would order him to the seaside. From the top of their omnibus, they could see right across the plateau of the green park, dry and colorless like a desert. As they descended the hill, they noticed that autumn was already busy in the foliage. Lower down, the dells were full of fallen leaves. At high park corner, the blown dust whirled about the hilltop. All along St. George's Place, glimpses of the empty park appeared through the railings. The white pavements, the Brompton Road, and a semi-detached public house at the crossroads announced suburban London to the Londoner. Your say, said William, where them trees are, where the road turns off to the left, that house is the bell and thorns. That's the sort of house I should like to see you in. It's a pity we didn't buy it when we had the money. Buy it? That house is worth ten thousand pounds if it is worth a penny. I was once in a situation not far from here. I liked the Fulham Road. It's like a long village street, ain't it? Her first service was with Mrs Dunbar in Sydney Street, and she remembered the square church tower at the Chelsea End. A little further on, there was the Bestry Hall in the King's Road and then Oakley Street on the left leading down to Battersea. Mrs Dunbar used to go to some gardens at the end of the King's Road. Cremon Gardens, that was the name. There used to be fireworks there and she often spent the evening at the back window watching the rockets go up. That was just before Lady Elwyn had got her the situation as kitchen maid at Woodview. She remembered the very shops. There was Palmer's, the Butterman, and there was Hyde's, the Grocers. Everything was just as she had left it. How many years ago? Fifteen or sixteen? So enwrapped was she in memories that William had to touch her. Here we are, he said. Don't you remember the place? She remembered very well that great red brick building. A centrepiece with two wings surrounded by high iron railings lined with gloomy shrubs. The long straight walks, the dismal trees a row, where pale-faced men walked or rested feebly, had impressed themselves on her young mind, thin, patient men pacing their sepulcher. She had wondered who they were, if they would get well, and then quick with sensation of lingering death she had hurried away on her errands. The low wooden yellow painted gates were unchanged. She had never before seen them open, and it was new to her to see the gardens filled with bright sunshine and numerous visitors. There were flowers in the beds, and the trees were beautiful in their leafage. A little yellow was creeping through, and from time to time a leaf fell exhausted from the branches. William, who was already familiar with the custom of the place, nodded to the porter and was let pass without question. He did not turn to the principal entrance in the middle of the building, but went towards a side entrance. The house physician was standing near it, talking with a young man whom Esther recognised as Mr. Alden. The thought that he too might be dying of consumption crossed her mind, but his appearance and his healthy, hearty laugh reassured her. A stout common girl, healthy too, came out of the building with a child, a little thing of twelve or thirteen, with death in her face. Mr. Alden stopped her, and in his cheerful kind manner hoped the little one was better. She answered that she was. The doctor made him good-bye and beckoned William and Esther to follow him. Esther would have liked to have spoken to Mr. Alden, but he did not see her, and she followed her husband, who was talking with the doctor through the doorway into a long passage. At the end of the passage there were a number of girls in print dresses. The gait of the dresses led Esther to think that they must be visitors, but the little calf warned her that death was amongst them. As she went past, she caught sight of a wasted form in a bath chair. The thin hands were laid on the knees on a little handkerchief, and there were spots on the whiteness deeper than the color of the dress. They passed down another passage, meeting a sister on their way, pretty and discreet she was in her black dress and veil, and she raised her eyes, glancing affectionately at the young doctor. No doubt they loved each other. The eternal love story among so much death. Esther wished to be present at the examination, but a sudden whim made William say that he would prefer to be alone with the doctor, and she returned to the garden. Mr. Alden had not yet gone. He stood with his back turned to her. The little girl she had seen him speaking to was sitting on a bench under the trees. She held in her hands a skein of jello worsted, which her companion was winding into a ball. Two other young women were with them, and all four were smiling and whispering and looking towards Mr. Alden. They evidently sought to attract his attention, and wished him to come and speak to them. Thus the natural desire of women to please, and moved by the path of this poor concubine, he went to them, and Esther could see that they all wanted to talk to him. She would have liked to have spoken to him. He was an old friend, and she walked up the grounds intending to pass by him as she walked back. His back was still turned to her, and they were all so interested that they gave no heed to anything else. One of the young women had an exceedingly pretty face, a small oval perfectly snow-white, and large blue eyes shaded with long dark lashes, a little aquiline nose, and Esther heard her say, I should be well enough if it wasn't for the calf. It isn't no better since. The calf interrupted the end of the sentence, and, affecting to misunderstand her, Mr. Alden said, No better than it was a week ago? A week ago, said the poor girl, It's no better since Christmas. There was surprise in her voice, and the pity of it took Mr. Alden in the throat, and it was with difficulty that he answered that he hoped that the present fine weather would enable her to get well. Such weather as this, he said, Is as good as going abroad. This assertion was disputed. One of the women had been to Australia for her health, and the story of travel was interspersed with the little calves, terrible in their apparent insignificance. But it was Mr. Alden that the others wished to hear it speak. They knew all about their companions' trip to Australia, and in their impatience their eyes went towards Esther, so Mr. Alden became aware of a new presence, and he turned. What? Is it you, Esther? Yes, sir, but there doesn't seem much to the matter with you. You're all right? Yes, I'm all right, sir. It's my husband. They walked a few yards up the path. Your husband? I'm very sorry. He's been an outdoor patient for some time. He's being examined by the doctors now. Whom did you marry, Esther? William Latch, a betting man, sir. You married a betting man, Esther? How curiously things do work out. I remember you were engaged to Pious Young Man, the stationer's foreman. That was when you were with Miss Rice. You know, I suppose, that she's dead. No, sir. I didn't know it. I've had so much trouble lately that I've not been to see her for nearly two years. When did she die, sir? About two months ago. So you married a betting man. Miss Rice did say something about it, but I don't think I understood that he was a betting man. I thought he was a publicum. So he was, sir. We lost our license through the betting. You say he's being examined by the doctor? Is it a bad case? I'm afraid it is, sir. They walked on in silence until they reached the gate. To me, this place is infinitely pathetic. That little calf never silenced for long. Did you hear that poor girl say with surprise that her calf is no better than it was last Christmas? Yes, sir, poor girl. I don't think she's long for this world. But tell me about your husband Esther, he said, and his face filled with an expression of true sympathy. I'm a subscriber, and if your husband would like to become an indoor patient, I hope you'll let me know. Thank you, sir. You was always the kindest, but there's no reason why I should trouble you. Some friends of ours have already recommended him, and it only rests with himself to remain out or go in. He pulled out his watch and said, I'm sorry to have met you in such sad circumstances, but I'm glad to have seen you. It must be seven years or more since you left Miss Rice. You haven't changed much. You keep your good looks. Oh, sir! He laughed at her embarrassment and walked across the road hailing a handsome, just as he used to in old times when he came to see Miss Rice. The memory of those days came back upon her. It was strange to meet him again after so many years. She felt she had seen him now for the last time, but it was foolish and wicked, too, to think of such things, her husband dying. But she couldn't help it. He reminded her so much of what was past and gone, a moment after she dashed these personal tears aside and walked open-hearted to meet William. What had the doctor said? He must know the truth. If she was to lose him, she would lose everything. No, not everything. Her boy would still remain to her, and she felt that, after all, her boy was what was most real to her in life. These thoughts had passed through her mind before William had had time to answer her question. He said the left lung was gone, that I'd never be able to stand another winter in England. He said I must go to Egypt. Egypt, she repeated, is that very far from here? What matter how far it is? If I can't live in England, I must go where I can live. Don't be cross-deer. I know it's your health that makes you that irritable, but it is hard to bear at times. You won't care to go to Egypt with me. How can you think that, Bill? Have I ever refused you anything? Quite right, old girl. I'm sorry. I know you'd do anything for me. I've always said so, haven't I? It is this calf that makes me sharp-tempered and fretful. I shall be different when I get to Egypt. When do we start? If we get away by the end of October, it will be all right. It will cost a lot of money, the journey is expensive, and we shall have to stop there six months. I couldn't think of coming home before the end of April. Easter did not answer. They walked some yards in silence. Then he said, I've been very unlucky lately. There isn't much over a hundred pounds in the bank. How much shall we want? Three or four hundred pounds at least. We won't take the boy with us. We couldn't afford that, but I should like to pay a couple of quarters in advance. That won't be much. Not if I have any luck. The luck must turn, and I'll have some splendid information about the Great Eber and the Yorkshire steaks, stag-nose of a horse or two that's being kept for sand-down. Unfortunately there is not much doing in August. I must try to make up the money. It's a matter of life and death. It was for his very life that her husband was now gambling on the race course, and a sensation of very great wickedness came up in her mind, but she stifled it instantly. William had noticed the look of fear that appeared in her eyes, and he said, It's my last chance. I can't get the money any other way, and I don't want to die yet the while. I haven't been as good to you as I'd like, and I want to do something for the boy you know. He had been told not to remain out after sand-down, but he was resolved to leave no stone unturned in his search for information, and often he returned home as late as nine and ten o'clock at night, coughing. Easter could hear him all up the street. He came in ready to drop with fatigue, his pockets filled with sporting papers, and these he studied spreading them on the table under the lamb, while Easter sat striving to do some needlework. It often dropped out of her hands, and her eyes filled with tears, but she took care that he should not see these tears. She did not wish to distress him unnecessarily. Poor chap, he had had enough to put up with as it was. Sometimes he read out the horse's names, and asked her which she thought would win, which seemed to her a likely name, but she begged of him not to ask her. They had many quarrels on this subject, but in the end he understood that it was not fair to ask her. Sometimes stack and journeymen came in, and they argued about weights and distances until midnight. Oh, John came to see them, and every day he had heard some new tip. It often rose to Esther's lips to tell William to back his fancy and have done with it. She could see that these discussions only fatigued him, that he was no nearer to the truth now than he was a fortnight ago. Meanwhile the horse he had thought of backing had gone up in the betting, but he said that he must be very careful. They had only a hundred pounds left. He must be careful not to risk this money foolishly. It was his very lifeblood. If he were to lose all his money, he wouldn't only sign his own death warrant, but also hers. He might linger on a long while. There was no knowing, but he would never be able to do any work. That was certain, unless he went out to Egypt. The doctor had said so, and then it would be she who would have to support him. And if God were merciful enough to take him off at once, he would leave her in a worse plight than he had found her in, and the boy growing up. Oh, it was terrible! He buried his face in his hands and seemed quite overcome. Then the calf would take him, and for a few minutes he could only think of himself. Esther gave him a little milk to drink, and he said, There's a hundred pounds left, Esther. It isn't much, but it's something. I don't believe that there's much use in my going to Egypt. I shall never get well. It is better that I should pitch myself into the river. That would be the least selfish way out of it. William, I will not have you talk in that way. Esther said laying down her work and going over to him. If you was to do such a thing, I should never forgive you. I could never think the same of you. All right, old girl. Don't be frightened. I've been thinking too much about them, Oasis. And I'm a bit depressed. I daresay it will come out all right. I think that Mahomet is sure to win the great Eber, don't you? I don't think there's no better judge than yourself. They all say if he don't fall lame that he is bound to win, then Mahomet shall carry my money. I'll back him tomorrow. Now that he had made up his mind what horrors to back, his spirits revived. He was able to dismiss the subject from his mind, and they talked of other things, of their son, and they laid projects for his welfare. But on the day of the race from early morning, William could barely contain himself. Usually he took his winnings and losings very quietly. When he had been especially unlucky, he swore a bit, but Esther had never seen any great excitement before a race was run. The issue of this race were extraordinary, and it was heartbreaking to see him suffer. He could not remain still a moment, a prey to all the terrors of hope exhausted with anticipation. He rested himself against the sideboard and white drops of sweet from his forehead. A broiling sunlight infested their windowpains. The room grew oven-like, and he was obliged at last to go into the back parlor and lie down. He lay there in his shirt sleeves, quite exhausted, hardly able to breathe. The arm, one so strong and healthy, was shrunken to a little nothing. He seemed quite bloodless, and looking at him, Esther could hardly hope that any climate would restore him to health. He just asked her what the time was, and said, The race is being run now. A few minutes after he said, I think Mahomet has won. I fancied I saw him get first past the post. He spoke as if he were sure, and said nothing about the evening paper. If he were disappointed, Esther felt that it would kill him, and she knelt down by the bedside and prayed that God would allow the horse to win. It meant her husband's life. That was all she knew. Oh, that the horse might win! Presently he said, There is no use praying. I feel sure it is all right. Go into the next room. Stand on the balcony so that you may see the boy coming along. A pale yellow sky rose behind the brick neighborhood, and with agonized soul the woman viewed its plosive serenity. There seemed to be hope in its quietness. At that moment the cry came up, Winner! Winner! It came from the north, from the east, and now from the west. Three boys were shouting forth the news simultaneously. Ah, if it should prove bad news. But somehow she too felt that the news was good. She ran to meet the boy. She had a hipney ready in her hand. He fumbled, striving to detach a single paper from the choir under his arm. Seeing her impatient he said, Maho, much won! Then the payment seemed to slide beneath her feet, and the setting sun she could hardly see. So full was her heart, so burdened with the happiness that she was bringing to the poor, sick fellow who lay in his shirt sleeves on the bed in the back room. It is all right, she said. I thought so too. It seemed like it. His face flushed. Life seemed to come back. He sat up and took the paper from her. There, he said, I've got my place money too. I hope Stack and Journalman come in tonight. I'd like to have a chat about this. Come, give me a kiss, dear. I'm not going to die after all. It isn't a pleasant thing to think that you must die, but there's no hope for you that you must go underground. The next thing to do was to pick the winner of the Yorkshire handicap. In this he was not successful, but he backed several winners at Sanddon Park, and at the close of the week had made nearly enough to take him to Egypt. The dawn cast a week, however, proved disastrous. He lost most of his winnings and looked forward to retrieving his fortunes at Newmarket. The worst of it is, if I don't make up the money by October, it will be no use. They say the November Fox will polish me off. Between Doncaster and Newmarket he lost a bet, and this bet carried him back into his despondency. He felt it was no use struggling against fate. He could remain in London and be taken away at the end of November or December. He couldn't last much longer than that. This would allow him to leave Esther at least fifty pounds to go on with. The boy would soon be able to earn money. It would be better so. No use wasting all this money for the sake of his health, which wasn't worth Tuppen's three farthings. He was like throwing sovereigns after farthings. He didn't want to do any betting. He was as hollow as a shell inside. He could feel it. Egypt could do nothing for him. And as he had to go, better sooner than later. Esther argued with him what should she have to live for if he was taken from her. The doctors had said that Egypt might set him right. He didn't know much about such things, but he had always heard that it was extraordinary how people got cued out there. That's true, he said. I've heard that people who couldn't live awake in England or haven't the length of your finger of a long left can go on all right out there. I might get something to do out there and the boy might come out after us. That's the way I like to hear you talk. Who knows, at new market we might have luck. Just one big bet, a winner at fifty to one, that's all we want. That's just what has been passing in my mind. I've got particular information about the Caesar Witch and Cambridgeshire. I could get the price you speak of, fifty to one against the two. Matchbox and Chosmore. The double event. You know, I'm inclined to go it. It's my last chance. End of Chapter 42. Red Pailage, Rolander. Chapter 43 of Esther Waters. This is a LibriVox recording or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Reading by Lars Rolander. Esther Waters by George Moore. Chapter 43. When Matchbox galloped home the winner of the Caesar Witch by five lengths, William was lying in his bed seemingly at death's door. He had remained out late one evening, had caught cold, and his mouth was constantly filled with blood. He was much worse and could hardly take notice of the good news. When he revived a little, he said, I guess come too late. But when Chosable was back to win thousands at ten to one, and Journeyman and Stack assured him that the stable was quite confident of being able to pull it off, his spirits revived. He spoke of hedging. If, he said to Esther, I was to get out at eight or nine to one. I should be able to leave you something, you know, in case of accidents. But he would not entrust laying off his bed to either Stack or Journeyman. He spoke of a cab and seeing to it himself. If he did this, the doctor assured him that it would not much matter whether Chosable won or lost. The best thing he could do, the doctor said, would be to become an indoor patient at once. In the hospital he would be an inequitable temperature and he would receive an attention which he could not get at home. William did not like going into the hospital. It would be a bad omen. If he did, he felt sure that Chosable would not win. What has going or not going to the hospital to do with Chosable's chance of winning the Cambridge Shire, said the doctor. This window is loose in its sash. A draught comes under the door and if you close out the draught, the atmosphere of the room becomes stuffy. You're thinking of going abroad. A fortnight's nice rest is just what you want to set you up for your journey. So he allowed himself to be persuaded. He was taken to the hospital and Esther remained at home waiting for the fateful afternoon. Now that the dying man was taken from her, she had no work to distract her thoughts. The unanswerable question would Chosable win was always before her. She saw the slender greyhound creatures as she had seen them at Epsom through a sea of heads and hats and she asked herself if Chosable was the brown horse that had galloped in first or the chestnut that had trotted in last. She often thought she was going mad. Her head seemed like it, a sensation of splitting like a piece of calico. She went to see her boy. Jack was a great tall fellow of fifteen and had happily lost none of his affection for his mother and great sweetness rose up within her. She looked at his long straight yellow stocking legs. She settled the collar of his cloak and slipped her fingers into his leathern belt as they walked side by side. He was bareheaded according to the fashion of his school and she kissed the wild dark pearls with which his head was run over. They were much brighter in colour when he was a little boy those days when she slaved seventeen hours a day for his dear life but he paid her back tenfold for the hardship she had undergone. She listened to the excellent report his masters gave of his progress and walked through the quadrangles and the corridors with him thinking of the sound of his voice as he told her the story of his classes and his studies. She must live for him though for herself she had had enough of life. But thank God she had her darling boy and whatever unhappiness there might be in store for her she would bear it for his sake. He knew that his father was ill but she refrained and told him no word of the tragedy that was hanging over them. The noble instincts which were so intrinsically ester waters told her that it were a pity to soil at the outset a young life with a sordid story and though it would have been an inexpressible relief to her to have shared her trouble with her boy she forced back her tears and courageously bore her cross alone without once allowing its edge to touch him and every day that visitors were allowed she went to the hospital with a newspaper containing the last betting Chausable ten to one taken William read out the mare had advanced three points and William looked at Esther inquiringly and with hope in his eyes I think she'll win he said racing himself in his cane chair I hope so dear she murmured and she settled his cushions two days after the mare was back again at 13 to one taken and offered she went back even as far as 18 to one and then returned for a while to 12 to one this fluctuation meant that something was wrong and William began to lose hope but on the following day the mare was back to win a good deal of money at tattersalls and once more she stood at ten to one seeing her back at the old price made William look so hopeful that a patient stopped as he passed down the corridor and catching the sight of the sportsman in William's lap he asked him if he was interested in racing William told him that he was and that if Chausable won he would be able to go to Egypt them that has money can buy health as well as everything else we'd all get well if we could get out there then William told him how much he stood to win well that'll keep you going long enough to set you straight you'd say the mare is back to ten to one two hundred to twenty I wonder if I could get the money I might sell up the house but before he had time to realize the necessary money the mare was driven back to 18 to one and he said she won't win I might as well leave the wife in the house there is no luck for them that comes here on the day of the race Esther walked through the streets like one daft stupidly interested in the passersby and the disputes that arose between the drivers of cabs and omnibuses now and then her thoughts collected and it seemed to her impossible that the mare should win if she did they would have two thousand five hundred pounds and would go to Egypt but she could not imagine such a thing it seems so much more natural that the horse should lose and that her husband should die and that she should have to face the world once more she offered up prayers that choice will might win although it did not seem right to address God on the subject but her heart often felt like breaking and she had to do something and she had no doubt that God would forgive her but now that the day had come she did not feel as if he had granted her request at the same time it did not seem possible that her husband was going to die it was all so hard to understand she stopped at the bell and horns to see what the time was and was surprised to find it was half an hour later than she had expected the race was being run choiceable hooves were deciding whether her husband was to live or die it was on the wire by this time the wires were distinct upon a blue and dub colored sky did that one go to Newmarket or the other which the red buildings came in sight and a patient walked slowly up the walk his back turned to her another had sat down to rest 16 years ago patients were walking there then and the leaves were scattering then just as now without transition of thoughts she wondered when the first boy would appear with a pnews Williams was not in the grounds he was upstairs behind those windows poor fellow she could fancy him sitting there perhaps he was watching for her after one of those windows but there was no use her going up until she had the news she must wait for the paper she walked up and down listening for the cry every now and then expectation led her to mistake some ordinary cry for the terrible wainer all the wainer with which the whole town would echo in a few minutes she hastened forward no, it was not it at last she heard the word shriek behind her she hastened after the boy but failed to overtake him returning she met another gave him a hipony and took a paper then she remembered she must ask the boy to tell her who won but heedless of her question he had run across the road to sell papers for some men who had come out of a public house she must not give William the paper and wait for him to read the news to her if the news were bad the shock might kill him she must learn first what the news was so that her face and manner might prepare him for the worst if need be so she offered the paper to the porter and asked him to tell her bramble king of trumps young hopeful he read out are you sure that choiceable hasn't won of course I'm sure there it is I can't read she said as she turned away the news had stunned her the world seemed to lose reality she was uncertain what to do and several times repeated to herself there's nothing for it but to go up and tell him I don't see what else I can do the staircase was very steep she climbed it slowly and stopped at the first landing and looked out of the window a poor hollow-chested creature the wreck of a human being struggled up behind her he had to rest several times and in the hollow buildings his calf sounded loud and hollow it isn't generally so loud as that she thought and wondered how she could tell William the news he wanted to see Jack grow up to be a man he thought that we might all go to Egypt and that he'd get quite well there for there's plenty of sunshine there but now he'll have to make up his mind to die in the November Fox her thoughts came strangely clear and she was astonished at her indifference until a sudden revulsion of feeling took her as she was going up the last flight she couldn't tell him the news it was too cruel she let the patient pass her and when alone on the landing she looked down into the depth she thought she'd like to fall over anything rather than to do what she knew she must do but her cowardice only endured for a moment and with a firm step she walked into the corridor it seemed to cross the entire building and was floored and wainscotted with the same brown varnished wood as the staircase there were benches along the walls and emaciated and worn-out men the long cane-chairs in the windowed recesses by which the passage was lighted the wards containing sometimes three sometimes six or seven beds opened on to this passage the doors of the wards were all open and as she passed along she started at the sight of a boy sitting up in a bed his head had been shaved and only slight bristle covered the crown the head and face were a large white mass with two eyes at the end of the passage there was a window and William sat there reading a book he saw her before she saw him and when she caught sight of him she stopped holding the paper loose before her between finger and thumb and as she approached she saw that her manner had already broken the news to him I see she didn't win, he said no, dear, she didn't win we wasn't lucky this time, next time there is no next time, at least for me I shall be far away from here when flat racing begins again the November fox will do for me I feel that they will I hope there'll be no lingering, that's all better to know the worst and make up your mind so I have to go, have I? so there is no hope and I shall be underground before the next meeting I shall never lay or take the odds again it do seem strange if only that mare had won I knew damned well she wouldn't if I came here then catching sight of the pained look on his wife's face he said I don't suppose it made no difference it was to be and what has to be has to be I've got to go underground I felt it was to be all along Egypt would have done me no good I never believed in it only lot of false hope you don't think what I say is true look here, do you know what book this is? this is the Bible that'll prove to you that I knew the game was up I knew I can't tell you how but I knew the mare wouldn't win one always seems to know even when I backed her I didn't feel about her like I did about the other one and ever since I've been feeling more and more sure that it wasn't to be somehow it didn't seem likely and today something told me that the game was up so I asked for this book there's wonderful beautiful things in it there is indeed Bill and I hope you won't get tired of it but we'll go on reading it it's extraordinary how consoling it is listen to this isn't it beautiful ain't them words heavenly? there is indeed I knew you'd come to God at last I'm afraid I've not led a good life I wouldn't listen to you when you used to tell me of the lot of harm the betting used to bring on the poor people what used to come to our place there's Sarah I suppose she's out of prison by this you've seen nothing of her I suppose no nothing there was Ketley no Bill don't let's think about it if you're truly sorry God will forgive though you think he will and the others that we know nothing about I wouldn't listen to you I was headstrong but I understand it all now my eyes have been opened the empires fought that got up the prosecution knew what they was about I forgive them one and all William coughed a little the conversation paused and the cough was repeated down the corridor now it came from the men lying on the long cane chairs now from the poor emaciated creature hollow cheeks brown eyes and beard who had just come out of his ward and had sat down on a bench by the wall now it came from an old man six feet high with snow white hair he sat near them and worked assiduously at a piece of tapestry it'll be better when it's cut he said to one of the nurse who had stopped to compliment him of his work it'll be better when it's cut then the cough came from one of the wards an ester thought of the fearsome boy sitting bolt up his huge tallow-like face staring through the silence of the room a moment after the cough came from her husband's lips and they looked at each other both wanted to speak and neither knew what to say at last William spoke I was saying that I never had that feeling about Choswall as one has about a winner did she run second? just like my luck if she did let me see the paper ester handed it to him bramble a fifty to one chance not a man in a hundred-vector king of trumps there was some place money lost on him young hopeful a rank outsider what a day for the bookies you mustn't think of them things no more said ester you've got the book it'll do you more good if I'd only have thought of bramble I could have had a hundred to one against matchbox and bramble coupled what's the use of thinking of things that's over we should think of the future if I'd only been able to hedge that bit I should have been able to leave you something to go on with but now when everything is paid for you'll have hardly a five pound note you've been a good wife to me and I've been a bad husband to you Bill you mustn't speak like that you must try to make your peace with God think of him he'll think of us that you leave behind I've always had faith in him he'll not desert me her eyes were quite dry the instinct of life seemed to have left her they spoke some little while longer until it was time for visitors to leave the hospital it was not until she got into the Fulham Road that tears began to run down her cheeks they poured faster and faster like rain after a long dry weather the whole world disappeared in a mist of tears and so overcome was she by her grief that she had to lean against the railings and then the passers-by turned and looked at her curiously End of chapter 43 read by Lars Rolander chapter 44 of Esther Waters this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org reading by Lars Rolander Esther Waters by George Moore chapter 44 with fair weather he might hold on till Christmas but if much fog was about he would go off with the last leaves one day Esther received a letter asking her to defer her visit from Friday to Sunday he hoped to be better on Sunday and then they would arrange when she should come to take him away he begged over to have Jack home to meet him he wanted to see his boy before he died Mrs. Collins, a woman who lived in the next room read the letter to Esther if you can, do as he wishes once they get them fancies into their heads there's no getting them out if he leaves the hospital on a day like this it'll be the death of him both women went to the window the fog was so thick that only an outline here and there was visible of the house opposite the lamps burnt low, mournful as in a city of the dead and the sounds that rose out of the street added to the terror of the strange darkness what do we say about Jack that I'm to send for him it's natural he should like to see the boy before he goes but it would be cheerfuler to take him to the hospital you say he wants to die at home he wants you to be with him at the last yes, I want to see the last of him but the boy, where is he to sleep we can lay your mattress down in my room an old woman like me, it don't matter Sunday morning was harsh and cold and when she came out of South Kensington Station a fog was rising in the squares and a great whiff of jello cloud drifted down upon the housetops in the fulham road the tops of the houses disappeared and the light of the third gas lamp was not visible this is the sort of weather that takes them off I can hardly breathe it myself everything was shadow like those walking in front of her passed out of sight like shades and once she thought she must have missed her way though that was impossible for her way was quite straight suddenly the silhouette of the winged building rose up enormous on the sulfur sky the low-lying gardens were full of poisonous vapor and the thin trees seemed like the ghosts of consumptive men the porter coughed like a dead man as she passed and he said, bad weather for the poor sick ones upstairs she was prepared for a change for the worse but she did not expect to see a living man looking so like a dead one he could no longer lie back in bed and breathe so he was propped up with pillows and he looked even as shadow like as those she had half seen in the fog cloud there was fog even in the ward and the lights burned red in the silence there were five beds, low iron bedsteads and each was covered with a dark red rug in the furthest corner lay the wreck of a great working man he wore his hobnails and his corduroy and his once brawny arm lay along his thigh shriveled and powerless as a child in the middle of the room a little clerk wasted and weary without any strength at all lay striving for breath the navvy was alone the little clerk had his family round him his wife and his two children a baby in arms and a little boy three years old the doctor had just come in and the woman was rattling gaily about her confinement she said I was up the following week wonderful what the wee women can go through no one would think it brought the childer to see their father they is a little idle to him poor fellow how are you today, dearie? Esther said as she took a seat by her husband's bed better than I was on Friday but this would all do for me if it continues much longer you see them two beds they died yesterday and I heard that three or four that left the hospital are gone too the doctor came to William's bed well, are you still determined to go home? he said yes, I'd like to die at home you can't do nothing for me I'd like to die at home I want to see my boy you can see Jack here, said Esther I'd sooner see him at home I suppose you don't want the trouble of a death in the house oh, William, how can you speak so? the patient coughed painfully and leaned against the pillows, unable to speak Esther remained with William till the time permitted to visitors had expired he could not speak to her but she knew he liked her to be with him when she came on Thursday to take him away he was a little better the clerk's wife was chattering the great Navi lay in the corner still as a block of stone Esther often looked at him and wondered if he had no friend who could spare an hour to come and see him I was beginning to think that you wasn't coming said William he's that restless, said the clerk's wife asking the time every three or four minutes how could you think that, said Esther I don't know you're a bit late, aren't you? it often to make them that restless, said the clerk's wife but me poor old man is quite enough, aren't you, dear? the dying clerk could not answer and the woman turned again to Esther and how do you find him today? much the same I think he's a bit better, stronger, don't you know? but this weather is that trying I don't know how it was up your way but down my way I never seen such a fog I thought I'd have to turn back at that moment the baby began to cry and the woman walked up and down the wall hearing it violently talking loud and making a great deal of noise but she could not quiet him hungry again, she said I never seen such a child for the breast and she sat down and unbuttoned her dress when the young doctor entered she hurriedly covered herself he begged her to continue and spoke about her little boy she showed him a scar on his throat he had been suffering but it was all right now the doctor glanced at the breathless father a little better today, thank you doctor that's all right and the doctor went over to William are you still determined to leave the hospital? he said yes, I want to go home I want to you'll find this weather very trying you'd better no, thank you sir I should like to go home you've been very kind you've done everything that could be done for me but it's God's will my wife is very grateful to you too yes indeed I am sir however am I to thank you for your kindness to my husband I'm sorry I couldn't do more but you'll want the sister to help you to dress him I'll send her to you when they got him out of bed Esther was shocked at the spectacle of his poor body there was nothing left of him his poor chest, his wasted ribs his legs gone to nothing and the strange weakness worst of all which made it so hard for them to dress him at last it was nearly done Esther laced one boot the nurse the other and leaning on Esther's arm he looked round the room for the last time the Navi turned round on his bed and said goodbye, mate goodbye goodbye all the clerk's little son clung to his mother's skirt frightened at the weakness of so big a man go and say goodbye to the gentleman the little boy came forward timidly offering his hand William looked at the poor little white face he nodded to the father and went out as he went downstairs he said he would like to go home in a handsome the doctor and nurse expostulated but he persisted until Esther begged of him to forego the wish for her sake they do rattle so these four wheelers especially when the windows are up one can't speak the cab jogged up Piccadilly and as it climbed out of the hollow the dying man's eyes were fixed on the circle of lights that shone across the green park they looked like a distant village and Esther wondered if William was thinking of Shoreham she had seen Shoreham look like that sometimes or if he was thinking that he was looking on London for the last time was he saying to himself I shall never see Piccadilly again they passed St. James's street the circus with its mob of prostitutes came into view the criterion bar with its loafers standing outside William leaned a little forward and Esther was sure he was thinking that he would never go into that bar again the cab turned to the left and Esther said that it would cross Soho perhaps passed down Old Compton Street opposite their old house it happened that it did and Esther and William wondered who were the new people who were selling beer and whiskey in the bar all the wild boys were crying winner all the winner they was run today flat racing all over all over for this year Esther did not answer the cab passed over a piece of asphalt and he said is Jack waiting for us yes he came home yesterday the fog was thick in Bloomsbury and when he got out of the cab he was taken with a fit of coughing and had to cling to the railings she had to pay the cab and it took some time to find the money would no one open the door she was surprised to see him make his way up the steps to the bell and having got her change she followed him into the house I can manage go on first I'll follow and stopping every three or four steps for rest he slowly dragged himself up to the first landing a door opened and Jack stood on the threshold of the lighted room is that you mother yes dear your father is coming up the boy came forward to help but his mother whispered he'd rather come up by himself William had just strength to walk into the room they gave him a chair and he fell back exhausted he looked around and seemed pleased to see his home again he gave him some milk into which he had put a little brandy and he gradually revived come this way Jack I want to look at you come into the light where I can see you yes father I haven't long to see you Jack I want it to be with you and your mother in our own home I can talk a little now I may not be able to tomorrow yes father I want you to promise me Jack that you'll never have nothing to do with racing and betting it hasn't brought me or your mother any luck very well father you promise me Jack give me your hand you promise me that Jack yes father I promise I see it all clearly enough now your mother Jack is the best woman in the world she loved you better than I did she worked for you that is a sad story I hope you'll never hear it husband and wife looked at each other and in that look the wife promised the husband that the son should never know the story of her desertion she was always against the betting Jack she always knew it would bring us ill luck I was once well off but I lost everything now good comes of money that one doesn't work for I'm sure you worked enough for what you won sadistor traveling day and night from race course to race course standing on them race courses others it was the colds you caught standing on them race courses that began the mischief I worked hard enough that's true but it was not the right kind of work I can't argue Esther but I know the truth now what you always said was the truth no good comes of money that hasn't been properly done he sifted the brandy and milk and looked at Jack was crying bitterly you mustn't cry like that Jack I want you to listen to me I've still something on me mind your mother Jack is the best woman that ever lived you're too young to understand how good I didn't know how good for a long time but I found it all out as you will later Jack when you are a man I'd hope to see you grow up to be a man Jack and your mother and I thought that you'd have a nice bit of money but the money I hope to leave you is all gone what I feel most is that I'm leaving you and your mother's badly off as she was when I married her he heaved a deep sigh and Esther said what is the good of talking of these things weakening yourself for nothing I must speak Esther I should die happy if I knew how you and the boy was going to live you'll have to go out and work for him as you did before it will be like beginning it all again the tears rolled down his cheeks he buried his face in his hands and sobbed until the sobbing brought on a fit of coughing suddenly his mouth filled with blood Jack went for the doctor and all remedies were tried without a veil there is one more remedy the doctor said and if that fails you must prepare for the worst but this last remedy proved successful and the hemorrhage was stopped and William was unrest and put to bed the doctor said he mustn't get up tomorrow you lie in bed tomorrow and try to get up your strength you have done yourself today she had drawn his bed into the warmest corner close by the fire and had made up for herself a sort of bed by the window where she might dose a bit to get much sleep she would have to be up and down many times to settle his pillows and give him milk or a little weak brandy and water night wore away the morning grew into day and about 12 o'clock he insisted on getting up she tried to persuade him but he said he could not stop in bed and there was nothing for it but to ask mrs. Collins to help her dress him comfortably in a chair the calf had entirely ceased and he seemed better and on Saturday night he slept better than he had done for a long while and woke up on Sunday morning refreshed and apparently much stronger he had a nice bit of boiled rabbit for his dinner he didn't speak much Esther fancied that he was still thinking of them when the afternoon 4 o'clock he called Jack he told him to sit in the light where he could see him and he looked at his son with such wistful eyes these farewells were very sad and Esther had to turn aside to hide her tears I should have liked to have seen you a man Jack don't speak like that I can't bear it said the poor boy bursting into tears perhaps you won't die yet yes Jack I'm wore out I can feel he said pointing to his chest that there is nothing here to live upon it is the punishment come upon me punishment for what father I wasn't always good to your mother Jack if to please me William you'll say no more the boy ought to know it will be a lesson for him and it weighs upon my heart I don't want my boy to hear anything bad about his father and I forbid him to listen the conversation paused and soon after William said that his strength was going from him and that he would like to go back to bed Esther helped him off with his clothes and together she and Jack lifted him into bed he sat up looking at them with wistful dying eyes it is hard to apart from you he said if Chorsoble had one we would have all gone to Egypt I could have lived out there you must speak of them things no more we all must obey God's will Esther dropped on her knees she drew Jack down beside her and William asked Jack to read something from the Bible Jack read where he first opened the book and when he had finished William said that he liked to listen Jack's voice sounded to him like heaven about eight o'clock William made his son good night good night my boy perhaps we shan't see each other again this may be my last night I won't leave you father now my boy go to your bed I feel I'd like to be alone with mother the voice sank almost to whisper you remember what you promised me about raising be good to your mother she's the best mother her son ever had I'll work for mother father I'll work for her you're too young my son but when you're older I hope you'll work for her she worked for you goodbye my boy goodbye the dying man sweeted profusely and Esther wiped his face from time to time Mrs. Collins came in she had a large tin candle stick in her hand in which there was a fragment of candle-end he motioned to her to put it aside she put it on the table out of the way of his eyes you'll help Esther to lay me out I don't want anyone else I don't like the other woman Esther and me will lay you out make your mind easy none but we too shall touch you once more Esther wiped his forehead and is signed to her how he wished the bed cloths to be arranged for he could no longer speak Mrs. Collins whispered to Esther that she did not think that the end could be far off and compelled by a morbid sort of curiosity she took a chair and sat down Esther wiped away the little drops of sweet as they came upon his forehead his chest and throat had to be wiped also for they too were full of sweat his eyes were fixed on the darkness and he moved his hand restlessly and Esther always understood what he wanted she gave him a little brandy and water and when he could not take it from the glass she gave it to him with a spoon the silence grew more solemn and the clock on the mantelpiece striking ten sharp strokes did not interrupt it and then as Esther turned from the bedside for the brandy Mrs. Collins candle spluttered and went out a little thread of smoke evaporated leaving only a morsel of black and wick the flame had disappeared forever gone as if it had never been and Esther saw darkness where there had been a light then she heard Mrs. Collins say I think it's all over dear the profile on the pillow seemed very little hold up his head so that if there's any breath it may come on the glass is it dead or right enough you say dear there's not a trace of breath on the glass I'd like to say a prayer will you say prayer with me yes I feel as if I should like to myself it is the hat wonderful End of chapter 44 read by Lars Rolander Chapter 45 of Esther Waters This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org reading by Lars Rolander Esther Waters by George Moore Chapter 45 She stood on the platform watching the receding train a few bushes hid the curve of the line the white vapor rose above them evaporating in the gray evening A moment more and the last carriage would pass out of sight the white gate swung slowly forward and closed over the line An oblong box painted reddish brown lay on the seat beside her a woman of seven or eight and thirty stout and strongly built short arms and hard-worked hands dressed in dingy black skirt and a threadbare jacket too thin for the dampness of a November day her face was a blunt outline and the gray eyes reflected all the natural prose of the Saxon the porter told her that he would try to send her box up to Woodview tomorrow that was the way to Woodview right up the lane she could not miss it she would find the lodge gate behind that clump of trees and thinking how she could get her box to Woodview that evening she looked at the barren strip of country lying between the Downs and the Shingle Beach the little town clamped about its deserted harbor seemed more than ever like falling to pieces like a derelict vessel and when Esther passed over the level crossing she noticed that the line of little villas had not increased they were as she had left them eighteen years ago Laurel's iron railing Antimacassar's it was about eighteen years ago on a beautiful dune day that she had passed up this lane for the first time at the very spot she was now passing she had stopped to wonder if she would be able to keep the place of kitchen maid she remembered regretting that she had not a new dress she had hoped to be able to brighten up the best of her cotton prints with a bit of red ribbon the sun was shining and she had met William Leaning of the Pauling in the avenue smoking his pipe eighteen years had gone by eighteen years of labor suffering, disappointment a great deal had happened so much that she could not remember it all the situations she had been in her life with that dear good soul misraised then Fred Parsons then William again her marriage the life in the public house money lost and money won heartbreakings, death everything that could happen had happened to her now it all seemed like a dream but her boy remained to her she had brought up her boy thank God she had been able to do that but how had she done it how often had she found herself within sight of the workhouse the last time was no later than last week last week it had seemed to her that she would have to accept the workhouse but she had escaped and now here she was back at the very point from which she started going back to Woodview going back to Mrs. Barfield's service William's illness and his funeral had taken Esther's last few pounds away from her and when she and Jack came back from the cemetery she found that she had broken into her last sovereign she clasped him to her bosom he was a tall boy of fifteen and burst into tears but she did not tell him what she was crying for she did not say God only knows how we shall find bread to eat next week she merely said wiping away her tears we can't afford to live here any longer it's too expensive for us now that father's gone and they went to live in a slum for three and six months a week if she had been alone in the world she would have gone into a situation but she could not leave the boy and so she had to look out for chairing it was hard to have to come down to this particularly when she remembered that she had a house and a servant of her own but there was nothing for it but to look out for some chairing and get along as best she could until Jack was able to look after himself but the very scrubbing and general cleaning that had come her way had been so badly paid that she soon found that she could not make both ends meet she would have to leave her boy and go out as a general servant and as her necessities were pressing she accepted a situation in a coffee shop in the London Road she would give all her wages to Jack seven shillings a week and he would have to live on that so long as she had her health she did not mind it was a squat brick building with four windows that looked down on the payment with a short-sighted stare on each window was written in letters a white animal well-air beds a board nailed to post by the side door announced that tea and coffee were always ready on the other side of the sign was an upholsterer and the vulgar brightness of the Brussels carpets seemed in keeping with the sloped-like appearance of the coffee house sometimes a workman came in the morning a couple more might come in about dinnertime sometimes they took rashes and bits of steak out of their pockets why don't you cook this for me, Mrs. but it was not until about nine in the evening that the real business of the house began and it continued till one when the last straggler knocked for admittance the house lived on its beds the best rooms were sometimes let for eight shillings a night and there were four beds which were let at fourpence a night in the cellar under the area where Esther stood by the great copper washing sheets blankets and counterpains when she was not cleaning the rooms upstairs there was a double bedded room underneath the kitchen and over the landings wherever a space could be found the landlord who was clever at carpentering work had fitted up some sort of closet place that could be let as a bedroom the house was a honeycomb the landlord slept under the roof and a corner had been found for his housekeeper a handsome young woman at the end of the passage Esther and the children the landlord was a widower slept in the coffee room up on planks laid across the tops of the high backs of the benches where the customers mealed mattresses and bedding were laid on these planks and the sleepers lay their faces hardly two feet from the ceiling Esther slept with a baby a little boy of five the two big boys slept at the other end of the room by the front door the eldest was about fifteen but he was only half-witted and he helped in the housework and could turn down the beds and see quicker than anyone if the occupant had stolen sheet or blanket Esther always remembered how he would raise himself up in bed in the early morning rub the glass and light a candle so that he could be seen from below he shook his head if every bed was occupied were signed with his fingers the prices of the beds had any to let the landlord was a tall, thin man with long features and hair turning grey he was very quiet and Esther was surprised one night at the abruptness with which he stopped a couple who were going upstairs is that your wife? he said yes, she's my wife all right she doesn't look very old she's older than she looks then he said half to Esther, half to his housekeeper that it was hard to know what to do if you ask them for their marriage certificates they'd be sure to show you something the housekeeper answered that they paid well and that was the principal thing but when an attempt was made to steal the bed clothed the landlord and his housekeeper were more severe a sister was about to let the most respectable woman the idiot boy called down the stairs stop her, there's a sheet missing oh, what in the world is all this? I haven't got your sheet pray let me pass, I'm in a hurry I can't let you pass until the sheet is found you'll find it upstairs under the bed it's got me slayed, I'm in a hurry call in the police shouted the idiot boy you'd better come upstairs and help me to find the sheet, said Esther the woman hesitated a moment and then walked up in front of Esther when they were in the bedroom she shook out her petticoats and the sheet fell on the floor there now, said Esther a nice botheration you'd have got me into I should have had to pay for it oh, I could pay for it it was only because I'm not very well off at present yes, you will pay for it if you don't take care, said Esther it was very soon after that Esther had her mother's books stolen from her they had not been doing much business and she had been put to sleep in one of the bedrooms the room was suddenly wanted and she had no time to move all her things and when she went to make up the room she found that her mother's books and a pair of jet earrings that Fred had given her had been stolen she could do nothing the couple who had occupied the rooms were far away by this time there was no hope of ever recovering her books and earrings and the loss of these things caused her a great deal of unhappiness the only little treasure she possessed were those earrings now they were gone she realized how utterly alone she was in the world if her health were to break down tomorrow she would have to go to the workhouse what would become of her boy she was afraid to think thinking did no good she must not think but must just work on washing the bedclothes until she could wash no longer wash, wash all the week long and it was only by working until one o'clock in the morning that she sometimes managed to get the Sabbath free from washing never, not even in the house in Chelsea had she had such hard work and she was not as strong now as she was then but her courage did not give way until one Sunday Jack came to tell her that the people who had employed him had sold their business then a strange weakness came over her she thought of the endless week of work that awaited her in the cellar the great copper on the fire the heaps of soiled linen in the corner the steam rising from the wash tub and she felt she had not sufficient strength to get through another week of such work she looked at her son with despair in her eyes she had whispered to him as he lay asleep under a shawl a tiny infant there is nothing for us my poor boy but the workhouse and the same thought rose up in her mind as she looked at him a tall lad with large grey eyes and dark curling hair but she did not trouble him with her despair she merely said I don't know how we shall pull through Jack God will help us you're washing too hard mother you're wasting away do you know no one mother who could help us she looked at Jack fixedly and she thought of Mrs. Barfield Mrs. Barfield might be away in the south with her daughter if she were at Woodview Esther felt sure she would not refuse to help her so Jack wrote at Esther's dictation and before they expected an answer a letter came from Mrs. Barfield saying that she remembered Esther perfectly well she had just returned from the south she was all alone at Woodview and wanted a servant Esther could come and take the place if she liked she enclosed five pounds and hoped that the money would enable Esther to leave London at once but this returning to former conditions filled Esther with strange trouble her heart beat as she recognized the spire of the church between the trees and the undulating lines of downs behind the trees awakened painful recollections she knew the white gate was somewhere in this plantation but could not remember its exact position and she took the road to the left instead of taking the road to the right and had to retrace her steps the gate had fallen from its hinge and she had some difficulty in opening it the lodge where the blind gatekeeper used to play the flute was closed the park pooling had not been kept in repair wandering sheep and cattle had worn away the great holly hedge and Esther noticed that in falling an elm had broken through the garden wall when she arrived at the iron gate under the bunched evergreens her steps paused for this was where she had met William for the first time he had taken her through the stables and pointed out her silver braids box she remembered the horses going to the downs horses coming from the downs stabbling and the sound of hooves everywhere but now silence she could see that many a roof had fallen and that ruins of outhouses filled the yard she remembered the kitchen windows bright in the setting sun and the white-capped servants moving about the great white table but now the shutters were up nowhere alight the knocker had disappeared from the door and she asked herself how she was to get in she even felt afraid supposing she should not find Mrs. Barfield she made her way through the shrubbery tripping over fallen branches and trunks of trees Rooks rose out of the evergreens with a great clatter her heart stood still and she hardly dared to tear herself through the mass of Underwood at last she gained the lawn and still very frightened sought for the bell the socket-plate hung loose on the wire and only fate tinkle came through the solitude of the empty house at last footsteps and alight the chain door was opened a little and a voice asked who it was Esther explained the door was opened and she stood face to face with her old mistress Mrs. Barfield stood holding the candle high so that she could see Esther Esther knew her at once she had not changed very much she kept her beautiful white teeth and her girlish smile the pointed, vixen-like face had not altered in outline but the reddish hair was so thin that it had to be parted on the side and drawn over the skull her figure was delicate and sprightly as ever Esther noticed all this and Mrs. Barfield noticed that Esther had grown stouter her face was still pleasant to see for it kept that look of blunt, honest nature which had always been its charm she was now the thick-set working woman of forty and she stood holding the hem of a jacket in her rough hands we'd better put the chain up for I'm alone in the house aren't you afraid, ma'am? a little but there's nothing to steal I ask the policeman to keep a look out come into the library there was the round table the little green sofa the piano the parrot's cage and the yellow painted presses and it seemed only a little while since she had been summoned to this room since she had stood facing her mistress her confession on her lips it seemed like yesterday and yet seventeen years and more had gone by and all these years were now a sort of blur in her mind a dream the connecting links of which were gone and she stood face to face with her old mistress in the old room you had a cold journey, Esther you'd like some tea? oh, don't trouble, ma'am it's no trouble I should like some myself the fire's out in the kitchen we can boil the kettle here they went through the base door into the long passage Mrs. Barfield told Esther where was the pantry the kitchen and the larder Esther answered that she remembered quite well and it seemed to her not a little strange that she should know these things Mrs. Barfield said so you haven't forgotten Woodview, Esther? no, ma'am it seems like yesterday but I'm afraid the damp has got into the kitchen, ma'am the range is that neglected ah, Woodview isn't what it was Mrs. Barfield told how she had buried her husband in the old village church she had taken her daughter to Egypt she had dwindled there till there was little more than a skeleton to lay in the grave yes, ma'am I know how it takes them inch by inch my husband died of consumption they sat talking for hours one thing led to another and Esther gradually told Mrs. Barfield the story of her life from the day they bade each other goodbye in the room they were now sitting it's quite a romance, Esther it was a hard fight and it isn't over yet, ma'am it won't be over until I see him settled in some regular work I hope I shall live to see him settled they sat over the fire a long time without speaking Mrs. Barfield said it must be getting on for bedtime I suppose it must, ma'am she asked if she should sleep in the room she had once shared with Margaret Gale Mrs. Barfield answered with a sigh that as all the bedrooms were empty Esther had better sleep in the room next to hers End of Chapter 45 Read by Lars Rolander Chapter 46 of Esther Waters This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Reading by Lars Rolander Esther Waters by George Moore Chapter 46 Esther seemed to have quite naturally accepted Woodview as a final stage Any further change in her life she did not seem to regard as possible or desirable One of these days her boy would get settled he would come down now and again to see her she did not want any more than that no she did not find the place lonely a young girl might but she was no longer a young girl she had her work to do and when it was done she was glad to sit down to rest and dressed in long cloaks the women went for walks together sometimes they went up the hill sometimes into Southwick to make some little purchases on Sundays they walked to Beading to attend meeting and they came home along the winter roads the peace and happiness of prayer upon their faces holding their skirts out of the mud unashamed of their common boots they made no acquaintances seeming to find in each other all necessary companionship their heads bent a little forward they trudged home talking of what they were in the habit of talking that another tree had blown down that Jack was now earning good money ten shillings a week Esther hoped it would last or else Esther told our mistress that she had heard that one of Mr Arthur's horses had won a race he lived in the north of England where he had a small training stable and his mother never heard of him except through the sporting papers he hasn't been here for four years Mrs Barfield said he hates the place he wouldn't care if I were to burn it down tomorrow however I do the best I can hoping that one day he'll marry and come and live here Mr Arthur that was how Mrs Barfield and Esther spoke of him did not draw any income from the estate the rents only suffice to pay the charges and the widows' jointure all the land was let the house he had tried to let but it had been found impossible to find a tenant unless Mr Arthur would expend some considerable sum in putting the house and grounds into a state of proper repair this he did not care to do he said that he found race horses a more profitable speculation besides even the park had been let on lease nothing remained to him but the house and lawn and garden he could no longer gallop a horse on the hill without somebody's leave so he didn't care what became of the place his mother might go on living there keeping things together as she called it he did not mind what she did as long as she didn't bother him so did he express himself regarding Woodview on the rare occasion of his visits and when he troubled to answer his mother's letters Mrs Barfield whose thoughts were limited to the estate was pained by his indifference she gradually ceased to consult him and when beading was too far for her walk she had the furniture removed from the drawing room and a long deal table placed there instead she had not asked herself if Arthur would object to her inviting a few brethren of the neighborhood to her house for meeting or publishing the meetings by notices posted on the lodge gate one day Mrs Barfield and Esther was walking in the avenue when to their surprise they saw Mr Arthur open the white gate and come through the mother hastened forward to meet her son the horse dismayed by the anger that looked out his eyes he did not like the notices and she was sorry that he was annoyed she didn't think that he would mind them and she hastened by his side pleading her excuses but to her great sorrow Arthur did not seem to be able to overcome his annoyance he refused to listen and continued his reproaches saying the things that he knew would most pain her he did not care whether the tree stood or fell whether the cement remained upon the walls or dropped from them he didn't draw penny of income from the place and did not dare a damn what became of it he allowed her to live there she got her juncture out of the property and he didn't want her to interfere with her but what he could not stand was the snuffy little fork from the town coming round his house the barfields at least were county and he wished would view to remain county as long as the walls held together he wasn't a bit ashamed of all this ruin you could receive the Prince of Wales in a ruin but he wouldn't care to ask him into a dissenting chapel Mrs Barfield answered that she didn't see how the mere assembling of a few friends in prayer could disgrace a house she did not know that he objected to her asking them she would not ask them any more the only thing was that there was no place nearer than Beading where they could meet and she could no longer walk so far she would have to give up meeting it seems to me a strange taste to want to kneel down with the lot of little shopkeepers is this where you kneel? he said pointing to the long deal table the place is a regular little batho our Lord said that when a number should gather together for prayer that he would be among them those are true words and as we get old we feel more and more with the want of this communion of spirit it is only then that we feel that we really with God the folk that you despise are equal in his sight and living here alone what should I be without prayer and Esther after her life of trouble and strife what would she be without prayer it's our consolation I think you could choose one's company for prayer as for everything else besides what do you get out of it? miracles don't happen nowadays you're very young Arthur and you cannot feel the want of prayer as we do two old women living in this lonely house as age and solitude overtake us the realities of life float away and we become more and more sensible to the mystery which surrounds us and our Lord Jesus Christ gave us love and prayer so that we might see a little further an expression of great beauty came upon our face that unconscious resignation which like the twilight hallows and transforms in such moments the humblest hearts are at one with nature and speaks out of the eternal wisdom of things so even this common racing man was touched and he said I'm sorry if I said anything to hurt your religious feelings Mrs. Barfield did not answer do you not accept my apologies mother? my dear boy what do I care for your apologies what are they to me all I think of now is your conversion to Christ nothing else matters I shall always pray for that you may have whom you like up here I don't mind if it makes you happy I'm ashamed of myself don't let's say any more about it I'm only down for the day I'm going home tomorrow home Arthur this is your home I can't bear to hear you speak of any other place as your home well mother then I shall say that I'm going back to business tomorrow Mrs. Barfield's side End of Chapter 46 Read by Lorsch Rolander