 Hello and welcome to another episode of Frightfully Forgotten Horror Movies, but before we get started, what are we drinking? Today we are drinking Tommy Doyle's Crushed Pumpkin Ale. Today we're going to bring to you a Patreon request by John Goldie. And this one is 1979's Satan War. Sounds pretty epic, doesn't it? Sounds spying-tingly-dingling. This movie is directed by Bart LaRue, and he's actually done tons of voice work in a lot of 60s sci-fi shows. He's all over the original Star Trek. He does the voice of the Guardian in City on the Edge of Forever, which is one of the best episodes. Sally Shermerhorn is in this, and so is Jimmy Drankovich. Well, he's got a drank in his last name, so that's good. It's a one up for us. So this movie starts off with some pretty cool opening credits. There's a cool music playing, and it's like a slow zoom out of this painting. It starts with a narration saying Bill and Louise have just purchased this house, and they're moving in, and it was a good deal. It was reasonable. A little too reasonable. They start unpacking. You hear another voiceover of Sally. We had a big fight when we moved into the house. We've never had a fight before ever. I was crying. They're unpacking and they take out this cross that was on their wedding cake. So they put the cross on the wall. Then almost immediately, the cross starts turning upside down. That music... See that it's upside down? It's a little freaked out with nothing big yet. They kind of fix it. Louise goes to go make a pot of coffee as it's starting to percolate all this brown shit. I think they're alluding that it is shit coming out of this coffee pot. Bill comes in. What the hell did you do? It's clear what she did. She was boiling some shit on the stove. This chair kind of moves super quick and hits Louise. At this point, something's amiss. Cross turns upside down again. Super long. At night, they're trying to sleep and Bill kind of hears something. We don't hear it though. Not really. It's all muffled and everything. He gets up and gets his gun and six-shooter. He looks around and doesn't see anything. He goes in the bathroom all quick and Louise is in there. I thought I heard someone in the kitchen. She gets all kind of freaked out. She goes and grabs this cross off the wall again. It starts like, in the name of the Father and the Son of the Holy Ghost, get out of our house. I'm kind of unsure of who she's talking to at this point. Is it a ghost or is she actually thinking that will get an intruder on that? Yeah, this ought to do it. Right away, the house starts all shaking and everything. They grab each other and think it's like an earthquake or something. They run out of the house. What was that? Bill is like, it was just an earthquake. But it's all over now. Let's go back to bed. If it's some storm, how come nothing's happening outside? It's only storming inside. They put the cross back on the wall. They go to lie down. And the cross, you see it turning again. It goes upside down again. Louise is in the kitchen. She feels something sort of touch her hair, lift her hair up and feel something's there. And all of a sudden, you see these hands kind of come up her dress, right? At night, all this blue, green type shit starts oozing out of the cabinets and stuff. And when Bill first sees it, he kind of looks at it. He's like, ah, ah. Then he just goes outside and sits down and starts smoking his hands. Not urgency to clean this up. And they start cleaning it all up, jumping at it with their bare hands. Like, wouldn't you put on some gloves? You don't know what the stuff is. They go for some drive and they go to talk about it. Making fun of the fact that Louise got attacked. They're all kind of joking. You just tell him, you leave the rape, the sex, and the molestation to me. All right? So you're kind of blinded. You're a rapist. Then we see that cross turning again. Louise is in the room changing and she gets attacked again. And Bill is reading the paper and there's all these flames that come up from the paper. They get one of Louise's friends who's a psychic to come in and get a full picture of the house what's going on. Somebody committed suicide in the house and there's an evil presence. And she just kind of does nothing and then she's gone. I have to leave. It's like, okay, they decide to bless the house with the cross. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Leave our house. After that, things seem okay, I guess. He's all shaming. And there's this entity walking around in the house wearing like a ninja house and ninja robes. And he's got a knife. Bill gets up, he grabs his gun again and he goes to search the house to see what that is. That's where we're going to end the plot. So if you want to see what happens with the rest of the movie with Louise and Bill, this ninja entity of some kind, keep watching Satan War. The plot of this movie reminds me a lot of when you first bought your house and you thought it was haunted. Huh. Adam is coming over to see my new house. I am going to Justin's house to see his new house. I think my new house is haunted. Oh, see? In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, leave this house. Your table's at an angle. Oh, I did not notice. Everything's all right now. Satan War, is it trash or treasure? Well, that'll start us with the treasure. The effects for this movie, given the type of movie that it is. Given the low budget, yeah. Are actually not that bad, right? The whole attack aspect on Louise is kind of neat. Yeah, like the way they did it, like when her hair kind of just flips and you don't see nothing, it just kind of moves and then when those hands come up or dressed or whatever, that's a good effect. Yeah. And also when she's getting attacked on the bed too, you kind of see her movements and everything, but they just show from the chest up or the neck up almost. That's all you need, right? Yeah. It's effective enough. That is an effective scene. That green foam shit is neat. Again, it's probably a cheap, simple effect, but it works. Same with that brown shit. That shit. Yeah, that shit coming out of the coffee pot. The paper lighting on fire, that's kind of neat. Yeah, it's, again, a simple effect, easy to do, but it works, right? The whole rape or attack aspect of the movie, they kind of went there before the entity did. Right. Even though the book had been out already, but it's kind of neat that you see this on film. The final scene, there's that robe guy walking around the house and Bill's got his gun and good job of building up the tension. At that point, it might be somebody that broke in too. Yeah. The way it's done, right? Yeah. It doesn't necessarily have to be a ghost. Right, yeah. The music is treasure too. As soon as the movie starts with the opening credits and grips he is, this music is pretty kick ass. And that'll bring us to the trash aspect of this movie. Which is also the music. Yeah. Just because the music is good, doesn't mean it has to be played throughout the whole movie. Almost nonstop. The same music. Doesn't stop. It never stops. Or it gets to the point where it's humorous. You're just like, every time he hears like, oh, here we go again. Overshadows like the speech and what they're talking about doing everything. The music's too loud in the mix. You can't really hear the dialogue when they're talking because that music is too loud. The acting too for this movie is the shit. It is probably about as amateur as you get. It looks like a fucking high school project, right? And the dialogue that's written for the characters is abysmal. What is happening? I think we bought a haunted house. She's probably a little bit of a better actor than the guy who plays Bill, but not by much. You really think it's haunted? I don't know. I do. You do? The narrator says, oh, a young couple bought a house and you look just like, she's not young. She's like 40-something and he looks like he's like 20. He's like, what? They don't look like a couple at all. There's no character development either. They think the narration is good enough for character development, but no. She's like, we had a fight. Well, show the fight, show them moving in and getting into an argument. You don't need a narration to say that. The movie's only an hour long. You could have put that little scene in there where they get into a fight. Yeah, and it would sort of maybe allude to the fact that the house is sort of foreboding or something, right? You don't feel anything for these characters at all. No. And the pacing, it's abysmal too. And it's interesting because so much stuff happens right away, right? That has an aspect to the haunting. But it's too much too soon because of that it's almost pace too slow. You don't need to see the cross turn upside down super slow. The whole rotation, like four times in the movie, like every time they put the cross back on and it turns upside, they show the whole thing again. They show it starts. That's enough. It's all we need. You don't need to see the whole thing. And then when they're cleaning up that ooze shit, you show them start to clean it up. Good. Hot. You don't need to show the whole endeavor. You watch them clean up this green shit from start almost to finish. Like pull out the mop. Yeah, we get it. We know that you're cleaning it up. Boring establishing shots of outside the house. Like when you know they're in the house, you don't need to keep showing the outside of the house. They haven't gone anywhere. Yeah. We know they're in the house. It's shot so poorly and dark, barely see the house in these establishing shots. It's so dark that I guess that's a house. I don't know. It's just bushes. It starts off with this documentary style with the narration. Yeah. And then it just loses that from there on. So you're like, did they just give up halfway through and we're just going to make a movie now. It's not going to be a fake documentary. It's kind of confusing is what route they're trying to go. It tries to tackle a lot of things but it doesn't do anything well at all. This is like way below. I'm not sure even what tier this is just above high school project. And why is it what we call the Satan War? But there is no Satan at all. That ninja guy in the cloak is Satan. I'll take your word for it. Is this cloak guy like a ghost or is he like a real person? You never find out. You don't know. Because the movie ends with them leaving the house and that sick narrator. They never came back. Okay, good enough for me. After this movie ends, that narration continues into a different thing. 15 minute voodoo documentary after the credits. Like what? With that same music. Yeah, the same narrator and everything. It's like is this the same movie? It doesn't really have anything to do with the movie. It's one thing if it was a documentary about hauntings or something but it's a completely different subject. Why is it there? But is it trash or treasure? You know what? Treasure. I'm just saying treasure because it's so bad that it is good. Yeah, like you have to make light of the bad aspects of this movie and just kind of go along with it. It keeps you entertained because it's so bad. It's definitely worth at least one watch. It's only an hour long so it's not like it's a ton of time. You definitely give a Satan War watch if you're in the mood for a good bad movie. Don't be upset that there's no Satan. A movie called Satan War is like oh man this is going to be like the prophecy or something like some epic thing about it. Some epic battle or whatever. Nothing can do it. It's just a shitty amnivore. Well, until then, keep drinking.