 You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications button so you're notified for when my next podcast goes live. Like I had an MDMA in Celestia. You fucking love it. You've mentioned off and round off about five different drugs here today. You're starting to fucking get me excited about that guy. I went up bang on a bang again. You just see me in your fucking mouth. I started so well that I was sure I was going to be the best thing in stand-up and it gave me a bit of a, I think this was a bit of a prick. And then when it all went away, I didn't like who I was and then when it all went away, like I kind of reset me a little bit and then with this gig there was no pressure. It was just a gig. There was no ambition to be anything more than I was. I did the DMC about two weeks before that first lockdown and I think if I hadn't done that and kind of being sent down that path, that lockdown of losing what I identified myself as would have fucking killed me, I think. My brain just goes, just kill yourself, it'd be easier. Just fucking kill yourself. Why don't you just kill yourself, just kill yourself, it'd be a lot easier. That little fucking weird voice. What happened? Oh, fucking don't get me started. Boom, we're on. We on? I looked at the camera dial, like a fucking girl's ass looking at. And today's guest, you can meet Dean Pogsman. How are you, brother? I'm good, I'm good. How are you? Good, mate. Flying high, bro. Clearly, mate, you're sitting across from the man. But love your stuff. It was actually my sister and my brother-in-law put us on to you. Said, you need to watch this guy, Liverpool. And I was saying, I didn't even, I seen you followed me on Instagram. I was like, fucking, yeah. I was watching it, I was watching it. I was like, hi, it's not that funny. But anyway, you were slating it. You get so many bizzies, mate, coming to your show. Oh, mate, I know people think I set that shit up, and I promise you the fucking don't. But it was, that's funny, man. It's not like a, is that your full sketch, like interacting with the crowd? No, I don't know what it is, right? People get that confused about this. Like, if you come, they're all shot in hot water. I don't know if you've been to the best club. And basically, about 10 years ago, I started hosting for them. So, like, I'd fell out of love with comedy, to be honest. I was just, like, fucking, couldn't be asked if they'd travel around me. I'd fell off with it a little bit. And then they were just, like, at open mic nights on a Sunday night. So, I went down, I went down pissed one day. I hadn't done comedy for a barbie, yeah. Forgot all my fucking jokes, got up. And I was like, oh, fucking hell. So I had to, like, start bouncing off the audience. And then I just had fun doing it. So they were like, we need a host. So I'd done a couple for them, and then they just said carry on doing it. So all those videos, like, they're me hosting the show. So there's me, and then there's normally three acts on, or there'll be more. The first videos that went out, there was, like, they only ever used to film on a Monday. And there was, like, fucking 10, there was, like, 10 acts on. And I'd do stuff that was going on in the middle, and he didn't even film me. They just felt, they had, like, people with cameras in the audience, so, like, they'd be filming. When I was on, they'd be filming the audience, you know, for, like, cutaways, and people laughing on that. And it was only that I got lucky, because some fella fucked off in the middle of the, as I'm coming on, he fucked off. He had to wait and talk to someone, and I just got a bit, where this lad was a drug dealer, one of the most famous ones, because he was just, like, fucking, he said he worked at Jag, and he had a fucking big watch on, and he fucking drove a range, and I went, you deaf folks don't do things. And it just went mad. So he started filming me, then. So there's loads of interactive stuff, and I've been dead lucky with that, because he don't see it on the telly, he just don't see it anywhere. Every comedy club in the country's got an MC, or a house, and there's some amazing ones, but the boss thing about it is, it's like, I do a show every year, which has material and stories and stuff like that, and I love doing that side of it as well. And you do need that side of it to kind of, when you go out and tour, and you're in a big theater, you do need that kind of big show element to it, but I do love the bouncing off the audience in a comedy club environment, and because of that, I've been able to get loads of stuff out. I think I've got, like, fucking, 200 hours of stand-up on the fucking internet. I think it must be a world record. I don't know, I haven't actually checked, but I think I can't see how anyone's got more stand-up on the internet than me. But it's class though, because there's no view at hundreds and millions of times. It's unbelievable that it just shows you what can happen just by a bit of consistency and just keep pushing back. Before we get into everything, I always go back to the start for my guests, where you grew up and how it all began. I grew up in a place called Cannae Farm, which is Stockbridge Village, but it's just on the edge of Liverpool, a bit of a rough area. It's so shit, actually. Well, I wouldn't say shit. It's one of them shits, always with boss people, do you know what I mean? We're the best people come from, but it's a rough gaffe. There's a channel for a program called Utopia, and you had to find a dystopian fucking, and he picked the flats that I grew up on. So I was like, I remember watching it, thinking, fucking, that looks familiar, and then some fucking, just some little fucking rough ass kid in the future. I was like, shit, that's where I grew up. So that's where I'm from. I can't even say, I mean, it's a rough background, but I can't really say the bad upbringing or anything like that. I was just living with my man, it was fucking sad. It's just, I got the piss stuck on me a lot when I was a kid, and I think that. Why? I don't know, it's just fucking grown up, ginger kid, fucking horrible teeth. Making up for the teeth now. Making up for the teeth now. It's one of them things, isn't it? I'm not a fighter, mate. You need to learn to fight, you learn to take the piss, you know what I mean? And I think I learned to take the piss and make people laugh and then people like to have a mirror on them, and it was a bit of a pothead and stuff like that. Yeah. And that's kind of, I think that's where the skill, the skill kind of originated from. And I think that's why I'm quite comfortable. For some reason, I always say this about people, like you've done comedy, you know, like, there's, a lot of people come on to you and you get it, a fucking, I'm funnier than you, I'm funnier than you. And you go, alright, then we'll do it, then you'll remain. And so if we're sat in the pub, a lot of people are funnier than me, because they're comfortable with you. But there's something about me, when I got on the stage, I'm more comfortable than pretty much anyone else I've ever seen. I'll just, because I'll stand there, so I'm just, I'm able to just kind of relax in that environment and then the humor can come through me. That's why I can bounce off the audience and so on and stuff like that. Do you think that's because the way you went through when you were younger, the kind of teasing, the kind of picking on you? I think it just, that was the, yeah, I think it's kind of, I had to become comfortable, as I said, because I wasn't like a hard kid or not like that. I was never going to be a fighter. So I had to become comfortable having that kind of, being able to hold the crowd and being able to be funny a little bit, you know what I mean? Yeah. Was that your, like, defence from pretending that you were okay, basically, like, trying to fire back through words, comedy? Yeah. That's all I had. That's all I could do, because I wasn't going to be able to fucking hit anyone, you know what I mean? Every comedian I know, mate, they are fucked up. Yeah, mate, there's not one comedian, but fucking... Gary Falls, D-Max Will, like, I love them to bits. Yeah. But they're fucking mental. They are mental, mate, and I don't know comedy in stand-up, but it's fucking so hard. You've got to be fucking, you've got to be broken somewhere, to want to... Because it's most people, most people would find it absolutely disgusting just standing there. Especially those points of tension that you feel when you're on stage and when the crowd goes quiet or pulls away from you a little bit, oh, like, fucking, we just come to the end of December now, just on all them fucking Christmas gigs with fucking work to do, with people who are all fucked up and half the people don't want to be there. Like, just want to stand there and have that attention on you is weird. Like, people just... I don't understand why I want to do it. And I recognise it, most of my closest mates are comedians, and we're all fucked in the head. Yeah. We're all absolutely fucked in the head. Yeah. We all pretend we're not. We all try and act like we're fucking... But I think anybody who's especially high in their craft as well, you've got to be kind of dirty and kind of psychotic to want to put yourself through that, kind of torment, because it's mentally draining. Yeah. Because you're a different character. We're all different characters anyway. I'm a different... I always betray myself as a nice guy and that, but once I'm home, I don't want to speak to nobody mate. I genuinely don't like... My job is to speak to people. Yeah. But when I go home, I just don't want to speak to nobody. If I'm down a supermarket and I see someone that I know, I'll go round the other side, so I don't speak to the cunt, but if he sees me, I'm all loving cuddles are you doing? But it's... So, I don't know what that is. I don't know... And I try and think, do you have fake James or you have fraud? But I just... It's mentally draining because I have so much energy. Yeah. I was just going to say this, I've come... We'll get on to this in a little bit because I think we've got a lot of similar interest in this area. But I've been fucking with Psychedelics quite a bit in the last couple of years. And it was not something I'd ever... ever really wanted to delve into, but for some reason, I just felt like it was time in my life and I started going into it a little bit. And one thing that it really kind of settled for me and was when you're on a stage, something I'd always known and I'd never really because I would always been like, I'm not an atheist, don't believe in no shit, you know what I mean? I felt like I was that way. But when you're on a stage, I've been there so many times and I've said this to comedians and there's no one who can explain it to me in a better way. That energy transfer that you've just said, there's some people who are just conduits for energy and I think that's why we're good at what we do or whatever. That's why we're talkers. We're good at taking other people's emotions and making people feel the same way. I think that's my main skill. And when you get on a stage, you can feel our audience, you can feel everyone in the room, it was a matter of it's 10,000 or 250, you can feel everyone there and you give and you take. The way I see it when you're doing stand-up, the way I do it is anyway, is like you're kind of... you're drawing all the negative energy through it and pushing positive out and giving it back to them, do you know what I mean? It is massively draining. I've come off stage sometimes and I don't do it anymore. The first time I did it, we're in the organiser, they can meet and greet after it and I don't mind meeting people after the show and getting pictures and stuff like that but this fucking meeting, I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown and I'm trying to hold it together but that was... I had so much more anxiety doing that because I'd just given everything that I had to this fucking 9,000 people and I come off the stage and I had to stand there and just be like, yeah, yeah, yeah and just like making small talk and shit chat with people and it's not particularly difficult and to them it's not difficult and it's not like anyone was doing anything wrong but I just felt like, oh, I felt like they killed me doing it and I just walked away from it and I was like, I'm never doing that again. It's a panic attack basically. Yeah, almost because it was just like, I just don't think I had anything left. I feel like it was just such a fucking jar of experience to have that much energy because I had like 9,000 people screaming at me and it was such positive. It was a lot of love, do you know what I mean? But it's hard to take that sometimes. It's hard to take that. One thing I've... I struggled a lot with them and I've seen a few people for it with like imposter syndrome because it happened so quick and you might have had the same thing. I don't know how like your ego's handled it all kind of being thrust into the limelight and loads of people recognize you when you go around and people do... I imagine you get the same way where people... when people bump into me in the streets it's always positive. I never really got anyone... 999,000 out of a thousand that'll be like, people that did happy to see you and they just want a little picture or just want to have a little... just want to say hello. They don't even particularly want a lot of your time. Yeah, that's what I wanted. I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be known. And then when I was starting making transitions by no drink, no drugs, no gambling once I started... because it means it's been small steps and it's gradually... it's not just being you see these kids on level and then boom, they're mega famous in the UK from a certain demographic. But for me it was kind of small steps but I kind of craved it because I thought it would be the answers I needed for all the pain. I thought it would have took away all the pain. I thought being in the newspapers and interviewing successful people would have been loving it. I thought I'd be more happier now than I would ever be but yet I tend to battle more now because everything that I've craved I realize it's not what makes me happy which is weird. But now I have to change it all again because everything I've set goals to get I'm achieving but I'm still battling that a brand new Range Rover Sport and nice clothes, nice hoodies big numbers, great guests and yet I still wake up and I'm not happy and I think can I remember getting the Range Rover and I think I drove along and I was trying to force myself to be happy I'm trying to force a genuine I'm trying to be happy because I've got a vision board and the motors are up on the wall and the houses, everything the majority is fucking it's been hot in three, four years and I thought man I'm not happy so then I had to change it all I got rid of the motor again downgraded and I'm starting to do more things I'm starting to, my mobile phones a massive thing 10 hours to 12 hours a day I put that down to four hours again I feel, I automatically feel better because on your mobile phone it raises your anxiety and depression straight away that's scientifically proven that's a depressant so for me to change that because when I post something if I get a post 5,000 likes next one gets 2,000 I feel as if nobody loves me anymore I know it makes me sad and I'm thinking James it's not real it's fake love anyway but now I just had to change my strategies again over the last few months because I don't want to bullshit people my platform's getting bigger and I thought that everything that I created would be everything and it's not it's kind of made things not worse but it makes me a pressure Did getting rid of the car make you feel better yeah yeah this is so weird because a few years, couple of years ago I'm coming round on this right I've just bought a Lambo bright orange Lambo right and about two years ago, three years ago maybe three I bought I had a Peugeot 108 I just started making money and then I got an e-class make and I loved it and then I fucking just went mad and I bought a GT 63S mango blue fucking fucking four litre V8 twin turbo fucking mad thing right it's both are on impulse just fuck I want that right when in the make I want it stupid amount of money and I got it and exactly the same thing didn't make me happy right and I was driving round and I felt like it was that walking everyone was looking at me it was that walking kind of imposter syndrome and exactly the same thing I had three months and got rid of it because fucking to a car that no one noticed because it's just fucking dumb me and at the time I was telling everyone I just didn't like it it wasn't for me I didn't like the car but it was that it was that kind of I didn't like I felt like a show-off in it right and I felt like I didn't deserve it or I didn't want it or whatever there was something about that to me and then going on this journey with the psychedelics and stuff and the people are being speaking to when I've done this stuff I've experienced what they call ego death or whatever and that was something I always kind of I was looking for a little bit because I thought in me I was like I don't want to get a fucking the worst thing for me was to be a big I like to people see me as a real person I like to think that about myself and if you come up to me in the street I'll treat it exactly the same as anyone else I've always been that way I'm a friendly person and I didn't want to start with a bit of fame start going to fucking being a knobhead and I think that's what that car done for me that's the way I was seeing myself and then I had this all these experiences and experience the ego death and I was thinking there we go ego death that's what I need to do I don't want the ego I want like I'm trying to get rid of it or the dark part of myself the part of me that wanted the fucking the designer clothes or the fucking bright blue cars and the fucking or whatever it was and then I spoke to someone about it and he was like because what I found was I was having these intense psychedelic experiences coming out to it for a few days feeling amazing maybe a week or two weeks feeling incredible feeling like dead zen not materialistic and then it was just keeping back in the phone everything else was coming back in all that nonsense was just seeping back in and it was seeming to come out or it was bouncing back worse and I was going up fucking when I bought myself fucking Rolex on a whim just that Rolex that I didn't want I didn't like it I had it on me risk and I felt uncomfortable and I was thinking what the fuck why am I doing all this and then I spoke to a few people about it and I don't know if you've ever read any Carl Jung or yeah so he talks about the shadow and I think all that side of me it's there it's a part of me there's a show off part of me that I can't get rid of because it's a necessity to what I do like there's definitely a fucking part of me that wants to be looked at and wants that status and stuff like that and I was trying to push it away or trying to eradicate it from me personally and it was just lashing back and lashing back at me so someone said to me you need to like what you need to understand is is that ego is not you it's not you you need to take a step back from it you sit behind all this and it's all part of you so you need to be feeding that kind of stuff so what I've what I've learned to do now is kind of feed me ego a little bit I'm trying to learn to feed me ego a little bit in a healthier way in a controllable way so then I can do the more spiritual stuff and that's not going to lash back at me if that makes any sense of course because it feels I feel guilty I do all this homeless work and I'm an ambassador for mental health but yeah I'm thinking I'm spending this on a watch or this on a holiday and I try and speak to people about it and they go you've earned that you've worked hard but I still don't feel it it makes me happy I don't feel as if I find my completion there a fulfillment there when I'm out walking I'm trying to enjoy my times with the kids but with my kids as well sometimes I want my phone because I'm thinking I need to get that guest that will bring a certain amount of views bring money in that way I can do that I can do that but there's no point in doing all this getting all this thing and I'm not enjoying it so if I've still got ego if I want to be the biggest in the world my plan is biggest in Scotland UK world and I'll achieve that in 35 years like it's not a problem I know I will I'm so confident but part of me that's still a bit psychotic because why can't I be happy just enjoying the process to always tell you enjoy the process and not concentrate on the finishing line I'll finish I'll create something hit the goal and then I've created another one straight away so I'm not enjoying it so that's to just come back and enjoy the journey I've been listening to more audio books again and meditation is very key for me going over affirmations to tell me that I'm good enough and this and that but if we're constantly working to be the best and hit big audiences there's something in us that only feels good if we're hitting big audiences and I think that's okay I think it's okay to have drive it's definitely having just come into terms of the fact that it's definitely okay or do we try and convince myself that but it's not going to make it's happy well I don't I think happy is a very loaded word and I think it's very it's a word that it's it's unattainable because what you're really looking for like what these things will give you is moments are like dope I mean much like internet and stuff like that but it's it's what I've found and the reason I went out and bought a bright orange lamp which is the most fucking stupid car I could buy is it was me going to me I do deserve that I've worked hard and I make a lot of people happy so like I deserve that and I deserve to drive around in it and that's fine and I know what I do on the side I know the charity stuff and all that I don't talk about it too much but like I know all that stuff I know I'm good with my kids I'm a good dad I do everything else everything else in my life is fine and I know as well that I'm looking after myself meditation wise and I'm doing all that kind of stuff so in order to feed my ego and give that I'll just give a little bit I'll just I'll let it I'm trying to treat it as its own entity so it's fucked up though on it it's absolutely fucked up but I don't say it's I've tried for years to not have it and it's not possible I just don't say it it pushes back and I think that's when I start fucking drinking too much and I'll be using stuff and it's trying to fucking cause you're basically telling yourself that a big party yourself is shit do you know what I mean and it's not good enough and that's where all those feelings come from I think but it's not it's just a necessary party that you need to be the person you are it's the game we're in it's the world we're in I've thought about just moving into the woods I just growing up growing the pubes and fucking growing my big rope and just forgetting everyone but then how can I then how can I help people how can I change the game if I'm not in the game it's not a big game to me anyway it's just a game that I'm trying to figure out the puzzles and the pieces to put them all together but if anything the pieces are just getting more scrambled because the more deeper I'm getting in the more understanding I'm getting to understand life the more questions I'm asking about certain things my mind is just have you ever had the big spring clean in your house yeah I'll do it this week before New Year when I'm out an hour in your house is fucked it's a shit all do you know what I mean I feel like that's where that's probably where we are do you know what I mean I should ask the questions but sometimes I think we can search too much and I forget to live like why my people say a lot of great more on that beautiful but I'll get one asshole who'll say you forgot yourself and part of me will think at night I have forgot myself well that's fucking I put that fucking car online and it was amazing how much positivity I got for it you've earned that you've worked hard and then I was driving out of town and some little fucking gobshite student was like oh he said he was like you've got a little dick like that and he was walking in the rain and he was like oh you've got a little dick and I just went all right mate and I drove my car off and I was thinking fucking I went to the town now as I know I haven't got a little dick I know exactly how big my dick is it's above average and I wanted to go on fucking because in his head I'm compensating for I mean I'll probably I'm compensating for stuff with that car but it's not that and I wanted to go I wanted to go on after debate with them because I hate when people feel like they know you when they don't or people feel just at that glance and we all do it we all I've probably do that about other people as well but I know exactly what you mean it's that that one person fucking about 15,000 people reacting positive to it and then one reacting badly to it and I was like fuck and it got me for a few hours but we all want to be loved and pray for ourselves who's good, honest hard-working guys but when you break it all down you just don't know what the fuck is going on we'd never go to figure it out I don't think I'm trying to but what was I'm trying to figure out life was a beautiful find your time as fuck priceless it's so priceless but yet I'm constantly on the road I've spent so much time in the road because I've got my family back in Glasgow or I'm running away or they use it as an excuse because I'm working to provide for them to give them nice things like it's a constant battle externally, it's a battle internally. I don't know if I'm making the right decisions. And no matter what I do in life, no matter when I was active and doing bad things, I had those thoughts. But now it's the thoughts that became more, it's like a minefield, man. It's like constant. Yeah. A question of everything, what I'm doing, who I speak to, what I buy is an investment for the future. But and then I try and tell my kids money isn't everything. But yeah, I'll go and spend fucking 10 grand on a holiday. And I'm thinking I just contradict myself when then I'll go home and think you're a fraud. I think you're so full of shit, man. You're so full of shit that you'll post motivational stuff online. And I'm thinking, I'm not even feeling happy when I'm posting that. No. So then I think, what the fuck am I all about? It's nuts. Like my method, they're thinking is fucking nuts. And that's why these even speaking to you, it's like therapy sessions. Everybody, I feel as if I put my emotions and everything into it because it's I need to release. Yeah. Because everybody's kind of on the same wavelength. You actually sit everybody down who I've interviewed you kind of see that everybody's got a very small connect or very big connection to each other. We just don't know what the fuck's going on. Yeah. It's such a fucking weird experience. How much, how much weed did you smoke when you're younger? A lot of weed. I mean, do you know what, right? I have this discussion. She might not thank me for saying this, but I mean, Mrs is lad. It's just started like for 50, 60, 60 and 16 just started dabbling a little bit. And I had quite a frank honest on because I'm not going to be a fucking hypocrite and say, oh, don't do that. Cause I never did that. I did it. And although I think I went too far with it and I had a negative effect cause I even had alls I did for about fucking 10 years just smoked weed. That was my life just sitting in the house, smoking weed. It was shit. But I don't necessarily think weed's a bad thing. I just think much like, I think people just use it wrong, much like alcohol or whatever. And I think some people have like, I'm quite an extreme personality. So like it's very easy for me to say things too far. Even the fucking packet of biscuits, I can't have one. I mean, I just had the whole fucking thing. Like I've had to fucking I've been struggling with drink quite a bit recently. Just fucking drinking too much. I've never had the problem with drink because it's always been weed and stuff, but then I kind of managed to, I've got a good relationship with weed now. And I use it. I use it as a tool and I understand exactly when I need to use it and I don't use it any other time. I vap it. So I don't get that nicotine addiction and shit like that. And I'm very good with weed now. But I feel like just this part to me that like, this is why I try not to like ever really get too into cocaine and shit like that because I try and distance myself from it a little bit because even with the drink, like I tell myself I like a nice whiskey and now cause I can afford it. I'm drinking fucking 18 year old whiskey thinking it cause it's 18 year old whiskey. I can drink a bottle of it a day. Do you know what I mean? And it's fine. And it's fucking not fine. It's still fucking whiskey. Do you know what I mean? And I'm fucking, I'm sat there just me, me kids are in bed. I'm in the house alone and I've done fucking half a bottle of whiskey and I'm sat there thinking what the fuck am I going to do here now? If something goes wrong here and I have to take one of these kids to Aussie, what the fuck are you going to do here? I've come to that tells me you're not in a good place, bro. Well, it tells me I'm not in a good place from time to time. And then I have that fucking, that's when the warning signs go off and those impulsive behaviors and going out and spending too much money and shit like that. That was kind of looking for those little hedonistic. That's when like those signals flag up and I'm like, I need to change something. Yeah. And I mean, I just go through cycles of it me. I love this towards the fame and the attention and because it's more pressure, it's more added pressure and people don't realize that I'm nowhere near the levels I'm going to get to. And I'm fucking stopped. People talk to me because they watch my podcast. They feel as if they know me. And I feel like a dick because I don't know who they are. I think, how do I know him? And then they go, I'll just be caught. And I'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll give them so much time. And then I go away and it's not here being bad, but I just, it becomes so fucking draining. And that's weird. I craved that. I thought that would be the cure to all my problems being successful, being well known. And it's fucking making them worse. But I'm not thankfully like I'm still footing the ground, not drinking, not taking gear, not gambling, I'm not doing this shit that I would hide behind. So you need to be careful because that half bottle of whiskey then turns into a bottle, then it turns into a fucking quarter of weed and then it turns into whatever it is you're chasing. Same as the psychedelics. Like for me, it's still a form of an escape because I know people that are smoke weed for 12 years. And that was the hardest thing. That in the gambling was so painful to stop, man, like nightmares coming off the weed was fucking unbelievable, man. Like you go psychotic, man. And where the psychedelics and I done the ayahuasca and I felt man, like, is this just another form of me escape reality? So I question that as well. And I'm still in a great place. A lot of majority of people who took it slip back. It's not a case that you take this medical medicine and then you see fucking rainbows and butterflies and you're skipping down the road. You need to work on yourself coming back. So I didn't want to sell people that dream of this is going to cure all your problems because it doesn't. You've still got to work on yourself. Yes, you see things and maybe it opens things up in the brain. I don't know. But I read there's one where you go seven days in a dark tomb and just nothing but darkness. And after three, four days, the brain releases an actual DMT. So I like that for everything internal. Scientists done a study on alcohol, drugs, psychedelics and sex. They rigged the brain up, marked the brain out, attend it in the response to it and how good it felt. Alcohol was an eight, sex was a nine, psychedelics was a nine. The only thing it was attend was breathing techniques and meditation. And that was the only one you never got to come down. So you can get to these higher states from meditation and you feel better and it lasts longer. So all that. You've done any of that? Yeah. Well, I do all the cold water stuff. Yeah. So I add to Wim Hof and stuff and people are always off at my DMT. I'm just scared if I start fucking taking that 50-minute hits. I'll be on it every day. Do you know what I mean? The DMT is a weird one because I don't want to condone this or say that anyone should do it because it's up to yourself what you do. But the DMT is the first thing I hit and I changed my life because it's the thing that gives you such a genuine sense of something else there. And I think it really helped me because I did the DMT about two weeks before that first lockdown. And I think if I hadn't done that and kind of being sent down that path, that lockdown and losing what I identified myself as would have fucking killed me. I think it would have done me. I think it'd have ended up in a really bad place. So I'm kind of thankful up for it. But I did the same thing. I went a bit, not far, but I went a bit showy off with it. Because I was being a bit evangelistic with it and I was telling me mate about it and I had something else and I was like, I have some of this, I have some of this. And I hated it a bit too much. And whatever's there, like believe this or don't believe it, it's up to yourself. But whatever's there, I truly believe you connect with something else that's there. And it told me off. It literally fucking, I was in a corner in a ball. We made this, watching me do this. I went too far with it and they were like, don't fuck about with this. And I just haven't had it since because I was like, it was not terrifying, but it felt like you were a toddler being told off by your mom, do you know what I mean? Like it was that kind of fear, do you know what I mean? The fear of your mum, do you know what I mean? Like I had never fucked with my mum and that's how it kind of related to it. And I have a lot of, I have a lot of time for mushrooms and I have a lot of time for it. But I think you are right. You've got to, I have had that as well where I'm like, am I just using this to kind of, it's that whole thing going back to what you said before about like with weed and stuff like that. I'm quite positive about these things, but then I do think fucking am I a fraud? Am I a fraud? Am I having these mushrooms and then telling people about them and my kind of trying to convince myself, is it? Is it some form of escapism? Do I just want some kind of spiritual spirituality that much that I'm just like attaching things to it? I think that's what it is. I think you're trying to convince yourself. That's what all I've done. There's always an excuse. There's always something I'm going to do. I ask because I'm making a documentary. I wanted to do it because I wanted to taste something again because I was clean from everything. I wanted to use it. Listen, I'm still in a great place where I can't fault it. It was just another form for me to use something and I don't know, I don't have all the answers to it, but my life is going good. I'm doing good things and I'm staying a clean life, but I still battle up here. I don't think any weed or valium or DMT takes that pain away, but I think it's got to face all your pain straight on, not the whisky, not the DMT, not the weed because it sounds like you're justifying as well some things and that's where your battle will constantly come across where you'll think, fuck it, I've had a bad day. It's stressful. I've just finished a tour or whatever. The first thing you want to do is just forget about it and kind of relax, but it's scary. We use weed or alcohol as a form of relaxation when you've got yoga out there, you've got hot yoga, you've got breathing techniques, you've got cold water therapy. That's as natural as you can be. There's no better feeling I get after doing the cold water in the ice. That feeling for a few minutes is unbelievable. It's better than every drug I've ever experienced. I want to do everything as natural as I can be because I don't want to say it to people. When I was on the weed, somebody told me to stop it. I've told them to fuck off because I needed it through all the family problems I was going through and all the misery and pain. That kept me alive. Weed kept me alive. That was a journey I had at the time because it kept me alone in the house, smoking joints and I was safe. I was safe towards myself and I was safe. Other people were safe because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing in my 20s. I was a loose cannon, but the weed kind of suppressed everything. But there comes a stage where I had to face it all and go, you know what? I can't smoke this anymore because I was becoming just a, I wasn't even a functioning addict. I just, I wasn't even functioning at all. Just sitting on my graph. I was on social media. I tried to get birds, slapping other DMs, just being a fraud and a fake. And then obviously when I started getting the ball rolling, started cutting those things out, life became great. But now I'm doing these other things and I feel as if I've had a standstill again. So I just need to reassess, reevaluate and then shoot for the stars again and I'll figure it out and you'll figure it out. But you need to be careful that you don't figure it out by doing everything that you're doing outside of you. I know you're me self with this because I've done a lot of the things you say. I did a lot of Wim Hof through lockdown. I do a lot of yoga and I've got great people around me who are like, go to like cold water therapy community and stuff. We go to Crosby Beach and I've been jumps in five, five in Max Gano and it runs away. And it's just, there's a lot of people around there, like around that kind of community who I'm plugged into. And I know, I know myself, like I've done Kundalini. I've done Wim Hof and I know how good I feel off doing it and getting in that routine. But it's just some part of me. And again, it might be, this is one question I have a lot of, I struggle with a lot in my life is it's the whole fate kind of, am I in control really? Am I actually in control or am I just on this journey? Am I just observing it? Because I do these things sometimes and I'm looking at myself doing it going, why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? And then I'm trying to justify it after the fact. With all of, I know what to do. I know the positive things that I should be doing in my life. I know the positive routines and the things that make me genuinely happy. But then I think like, sometimes when I slip out of that, I think that's when I'm more creative, like with what I do, that kind of, and I feel like do we need a little element of that darkness and do we need a little element of that fucking like kind of catastrophe in my life to kind of, because if I'm too, if I'm just too content and too zen, I find myself just dead placid on stage and I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not shit, but I'm not, I'm not as, there's no edge there. Do you know what I mean? There's, I feel like doing it, is life just then pushing me to the edge a little bit? Because I know I can get back, is it pushing me to the edge to kind of experience some of these kind of things so then I can go back and talk and I've got, I'm a more interesting and relatable person. Is it my job to kind of have these experiences and then be able to relate them to people in a funny way so that they can understand and maybe it helps them on their journey? I don't know. I don't know about all these things. But again, it's trying to convince yourself that you need it for your creativity. If people find you funny, no matter what, whether you're on DMT or I or Oscar or whatever, you've already experienced it so you can still use it as content. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Then I've got to experience the next thing, haven't I? And the next thing and the next thing. Natural cold water therapy, haven't I? Fucking content. Could you get out country swimming in the fucking cold water? That crazy bastard swimming under pants. Do you know what I mean at five in the morning? And you think it's good for you? Like there's no matter what you do, you'll find a creative edge anyway. Again, that's that convincing yourself that you need it for that dark. You're already dark as fuck, no matter if you go natural or not. We're already dark-tumoured anyway. We're all wired up wrong. We're all fucked up. Don't matter what you do in life. Everything's stages. Well, for me anyway, it's all became stages now. But I want to go to a stage where every year I improve. I want to slip back. If I was to drink now, everything I've created, I wouldn't never get it back again. I don't think I'd get out. That's how I don't drink because I don't think I would get out because I know how fucking hard that is to stop. And after you get through the first three months, six months, you start seeing the world. Definitely you don't act on it as much. But if I was to drink again, I'm gone. There's no getting out and that scares the shit out of me. Because then if I'm doing interviews and they're not becoming real because then I do feel like a fraud. I do feel like a fake because the drink will lead to the drugs. The drugs will lead to the gambling. The lying, the stealing, the cheating and I'll be doing bad things again to live a life that I can't find. How do you find... No, because you spend a lot of time on the road and it's obviously that there's no clear routine there. I struggle with that a lot. Like when I start touring and I'm literally in a different place every day, I find through lockdown, I find there a piece of pistol, do all the stuff, I get up in the morning, do a bit of yoga, have a cold shower in the garden, do some weights in the afternoon. I've got an fucking incredible shape. But it was easy because I had nothing else to do and I had nowhere else to be. Once I get on the road and again, I'm even listening to myself going, I know you're making excuses because there's ways to do it, but it's just so easy to just when you're out and about and you're in a different place to go, I don't know, I can't go to the gym today. I've got up a bit too late or whatever or I'm not going to go up at six o'clock in the morning because I've got to do a show tonight and then I won't be able to nap this afternoon. I won't be shot up and it's all that shit. Because you're out your comfort zone so when I'm down London every week or two, there's a gym around the corner. It's like F'd, 46 or F'd, I don't know what it is, but it's like class 45 minutes. For a year and a half I've always said I've went there and I've never went once. Not fucking once every time. I'll take my gym stuff, I'll take everything. It's only around the corner and I'd never seem to go because when I wake up I'll just sit on my phone and I'll wait for my guest to come. And then after that I'll get food and I'll just go a walk. I'm no routine. I go home bloated and then it takes me about two, three days to get back into a normal routine again. I'll go back to the gym and then but it's time to go back on the road again. So I know these things as well that I want to be in the best shape of my life. I seem to get there after 46 weeks and to push on for that extra six weeks to really get there. I fuck it. It's like self-sabotage. It's like I like to like harm myself. It's like a sense of harm in eating bad, feeling not good enough. So I'll sit in big packet of drills and chocolate and I'll sit and watch Netflix and I'll flip through my phone. Mate I checked my phone stats last night because I was trying, I'm trying to come off it this week so I didn't know you're flying. Last week man I was watching TikTok for over six hours. Six hours mate and I'm fucking thinking what the fuck am I doing? TikToks for fucking kids. I remember in my bed that I couldn't sleep and I was just obviously just watching fucking loads. I've had to do six hours and that was 14 hours on the phone but six hours were on TikTok. So I'm thinking that makes me a fraud because to be go levels in this game and I've got so much time I could be putting into other things and learning new crafts and educate myself more because I've done so many interviews I repeat the same shit as well. I can only repeat what I know and what I've been through but I need to educate myself more so I can adapt more and give more information because a lot of millions of people watch this stuff so to try and give them the right information to maybe give them the steps to change their life. I don't want to fool people I genuinely don't but part of me feels like I do still. It's part of that's that imposter syndrome. People always tell me how I'm amazing. I'm going and I think I've fooled you. You can't, you don't know half it man. You don't know fuck all that and that part of getting the car as well that it just didn't make me feel happy and I felt as if I was getting more noticed and I felt as if people would lose respect for me because I've came from the streets to then created something and been successful. I feel as if then people then change the perception of you that you have forgot where you've came from and that's fucking weird and I shouldn't feel like that but part of me is that imposter syndrome which kicks in. How are you in school? What do you mean? I'm in school. Are you a good kid or are you a hard working daydreamer? I was always clever and I started well. First couple years I was a bit of a nerd and I was but then I'm not going to say feeling with bad people because like me meeting a school with good lads and we weren't like the fucking hard kids or nothing but we were just fucking started smoking weed and I was 13 and then yeah just down as me and then it was just just fucking about taking the piss out of teachers and it was just like again and not necessarily a bad kid not getting into any trouble with the police or nothing like that but like just fucking I went into that half me GCSEs downed and then come out didn't know what I wanted to do. It told me Mara wanted to be in the countenance so she'd buy me a suit because I always wanted the suit got a suit and I went to do this countancy job for about two months and I just fucked that off and then went on to this stupid fucking multimedia course just so I could play games and smoke weed. Didn't have a fucking clue didn't have a fucking clue what I wanted to do and I'm kind of that's a very negative way of saying it. I'm kind of glad because I feel like let's say I was a bit more strong with the accountancy thing that at that time or I think there's a lot of pressure on kids and young people now to have this plan have the whole life planned out and kind of school doesn't provide enough experiences or it's not geared in a way it was never geared towards the way I work it was never geared towards me I'm a very very visual learner I'm very like I like to like I end up going back to uni much later on and doing philosophy and I always found that I learned a lot better if I sit and try and read the book I fucking read the same paragraph about 50 times it just doesn't fucking go in but like that's the beauty of YouTube and stuff for me information I can information goes in a lot better that way or if I sit and have a conversation with someone I seem to retain information that way and when I went to uni that was you have seminars and you sit and you have a discussion you argue about stuff and that's that seems to that seems to work a lot better for me and I just don't seem to do stuff like that and go I don't know going from back to here kids like the pressure there under now to know exactly what they're going to be and what they're under and the fucking the pressure that they're being put under I don't want to say listen I fuck my GCS he's up and obtained out of it because I think I'm a very marginal case you know me I've been quite lucky in that regard where I've ended up okay or I've had skills that have kind of I've been able to use my skills to be successful anyway and that won't happen for a lot of people but I don't think you should massively rush to know to to to lunge yourself into something that you're not necessarily going to enjoy because I think that happens to a lot of kids and they end up dead it up to fuck it's ended up dead it up to fuck going to uni doing something that the fucking don't really want to do and then they come out of it dead it up and end up stuck in a job trying to pay for that uni course for the rest of the life and they're never happy this is stuck in a race like as much as we can say that we're not happy we struggle at least we have the luxury to be able to to to have a lifestyle that we can do these things and and really we can try to kind of improve ourselves and try all these different things because we have the luxury of time do you know me can you imagine me working doing something without it like exactly because a lot of people are fucking so stuck in that and like I have to remind myself of that sometimes like I did comedy for 12 13 years before I made it I was I was making for about seven I was making a living for me I was scraping by how did you get in comedy? I did a comedy course at Rohard comedy at the Royal Court Theatre I was a graphic designer and I fucking hated it I was sitting in the office couldn't and then to be honest I was honest I've always been that kind of self-help book kind of self-improvement so I was doing all that shit I was doing a lot of fucking this is horrible story actually I was doing the I don't think I've ever read a book called The Game no it's a fellow called Neil Strauss because I wanted to be able to pick birds up and I got this book because my best mate from school I was supposed to go in the RAF and I was about 18 and my mate went in and I fucking shit I was I never done it and he's still in done well he's like a sad and so so no and he'd gone into the RAF and he had this car and he was living in Cyprus and he was getting married and I was flying over for his wedding and I was fucking shit about myself because I'm fucking still in my in my master bedroom fucking pothead and a fucking fella come on Richard and Judy while I was fucking hanging and me clothes to pack in my bag and he's going on about this fucking little baldie fella his little nerdy looking dude saying he's fucking black Britney Spears right and he could tell you how to do it I was thinking fuck off so I remember watching it and then I got in the airport I was there in WH Smith and I thought fuck it so I got it and I made and it's not like a necessarily like a how-to guy it's more like it's a biography of his like he goes with the whole pick up artist and he go out and he was just explaining how to pick women up so I thought I ended up getting into this stuff for a couple of years and I was trying to go out and like pick women up and it was just all fucking like it was like you had to like open them and showing value and all this shit and it was like explaining the proto anxiety why men have a proto anxiety from tribal things it was a lot dead interesting stuff fucking horrible it's just psychological fucking it's just like it's completely learning to be a false person it's so bad for it manipulation it's just it's manipulation it's all affectations it's all lame behaviors it's nothing real and you can't possibly maintain any kind of relationship because it breaks down after about fucking three or four days of someone really spending time with you and you're like I can't be this person anymore and I'm not the person they thought I was and you don't feel good about yourself they don't like it anymore it's fucking horrible but I was doing all that and the thing I hated was the whole approaching demonstrating value so I thought in my head I was like I always like stand up but in my head I was like well if I can go on stage and be funny then I've done that blanky to the whole room I've basically carpet bombed do you know what I mean I've just like that's like mass marking do you know what I mean and then I can go out and just fucking I've done I've done the odd job then so that was kind of I remember that was the thing that got me to sign up for the comedy course but then you know when you do something you think oh what the fuck have I done this and I thought I'm gonna tell everyone I'm gonna tell everyone so I can't shit out so I told everyone I knew and I got to get to the show and I was like 300 people and all the way through this course we'd been in a little fucking box room and I hadn't been able to get a joke out and I was thinking fucking and everyone's looking at me I'm just gonna be bad this it's gonna be bad and I knew kind of what I wanted to say everyone's like this gonna be bad this and I went on and I fucking smashed it so it came out of me so I just came to life and I remember walking off the stage in Chris Cairns you'd done the um you'd like taught the course it was like what the fuck did that come from they let me run over by about five minutes and I just I was just done boss now if I look back at the set it was shit comedy do you know what I mean like me opening joke was a fucking hello don't even tell him these lights brand the G word gorgeous do you get that from the game first opening joke ever it was a friendly crowd I always remember the fucking the second time third time it was like a gong show it was a much more a much more normal comedy crowd and I did that joke and some girl and fuck off and it killed me I died on my ass um how was it if you don't get laughs not as bad as you think why I don't think because it's it's very freeing to be honest it's I mean I'm not gonna say it's a nice experience but it's very freeing because the the thing you're always trying to do is that it's it's always the goal for that not to happen so you go always kind of got in your head or you can always feel the room you got it's like a balance in that where you're going all right I'm in control of this I'm in control of this I'm in control of it and it's always the fear um but when it so when it happens and you're not it's not eating you're not dying it's it's like you kind of you can't go all right well the worst happen now I'm I'm I'm in limbo yeah I'm in freefall just enjoy it so I say and you just do it the last time it happened it was something like a while a while ago the last time it happened to me was this fucking weird charity gig I got roped into by fucking Adam Rowe he couldn't make it apparently and then I got there I was like oh I fucking don't know why you couldn't make this yeah and he had the fucking little PA fucking thing um after people couldn't hear me bright room and I was thinking I fucking and I started and I tried but it was just fucking so it just me I just said the most fucking horrible stuff I just literally much like a therapy said I just told them all kinds of mad stuff about myself wasn't even trying to be funny just literally for us I'm just gonna tell these the fucking weirdest stuff I was like I've been watching tranny porn lately and shit like this and you were just fucking people were just staring at me like what the fuck is happening and I found it like I walked off and I felt like I felt like I waited being lifted and I really wanted to like I I always think back to that experience because I was like that was something that is something everyone thinks it can be the worst thing that could ever happen to you and it's just it's not the the worst ones like the worst gigs are those fucking ones where you just do all right like you just like the crowds a bit man you just you come off and you do all right and it's like waiting through mud and you get there but it's just like you've carried them on your back for the whole thing they're the most raining what's your worst experience doing comedy yeah um well I'm gonna contradict myself you know because it is the first time I've ever died in fucking Scotland um Edinburgh festival semi finals is so you think you're funny 11 hours on a fucking couch all the way upside next to the fucking this fucking smelly bastard and uh got the show is about half 11 right and I got on stage and very quickly realised that all these Americans in this audience did not understand jokes about fucking old swan in Liverpool so I started dying on my ass and I always remember I remember a program called Babylon 5 no sci-fi program years ago it was a fit woman on it and she's just an alien she had these things on her head and it's fucking to this day I've never spoke to her but I'm fucking 100% sure it was a I looked into the audience and I just seen it and I recognized and I had this like mom was like fuck off that's the moment of Babylon 5 and the whole room's silent just staring at me and I just seen it go oh this this little no that little micro expression of fucking oh what the fuck is going on why the fuck am I here and I was like oh it just killed me inside just killed me how do you do with that then well I was a bit you know what luckily I walked out and uh I think the best this probably the best thing that could have happened to me I walked outside I was fucking gutted I was gutted I was in my head I was like that's gonna be like I'm gonna win this I'm gonna win this and then that's like a p2k one that you know me and I was like that'd be me and I was fucking absolutely hooked and I walked out and I walked out uh and I bumped into a couple of Keith Carter who's a scouts comedian who I know and uh Stanley McHale a couple of other people and Richard Herring he was quite a famous comment and I saw him a bit like fucking asked Richard Herring you know me and he was like oh I went oh yeah he went where have you been I was like I was fucking died on my ass and he went to Richard Herring went you know what you should do and I thought he was gonna give me this like really profound like comedic kind of advice but he went you know what you should do you should get a t-shirt printed with all the judges on and then just jump off a bridge and kill yourself and I just and it was like this pause and then he laughed and I laughed and I felt alright and I just ended up going out and have a bit of you with them and it turned out to be quite a nice night because I thought I've been out for a pint with Richard Herring and I was quite happy with myself um and I think that was probably the best thing that could have happened to deal with it how do you manage to stay in a craft for 12 years without making any money and not giving up was that all the self-help books and all the no do you know what I think you might find this interesting there's a lot of contradiction in what I'm about to say I I did stand up for the first up until about so start 2006 up to 2009 I did quite well end up on Italian 2007 then I got some I got into junglers which was one of the I mean junglers when you're living back then it was like they had clubs all over the gaff it's gone now but and it was wasn't the best gigs to play but it was a good good living so it was doing alright traveling around wasn't making a million pound a year but I was I had to live in for someone's 25 26 at the time and I was I was quite like but the road life got to me the novelty was off quite quick and I was on my own a lot of the time that's not particularly good for me um and then I was in a relationship that didn't didn't really work out and it was my fault like I was in relationship with another girl who's involved with comedy and I was just I was just I was in a bad place and of course I'm just gonna fucking stop doing comedy I'm just gonna stop like I've had enough of it now because that relationship didn't work out and I was like I'm just gonna stop and I went and got a job and and it was quite a nice job it was because I'd done all the confidence stuff and all that this job was helping you know single moms who've been out of work for 10 15 years was helping them do CVs and kind of running these little courses for them and was always being kind of I'm a good writer and things like that so I've got this black bemain to this job decent decent wage done that for about a year and then at the same time I was still a bit down and I'd got like I'd gone into a good routine of I was training MMA at a place called the MMA academy just I was going to do jiu jitsu and Thai boxing and stuff like that and it's just had a dead simple routine quite a nice life and I was alright I was kind of happy didn't even like I was I missed it a little bit but I was like it was never going well at the time so I was like it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me then I bumped into a mate of my called Phil Shatman very good comic and because it was still something I identified that myself I still whenever anyone asked me what I did I still said there was a comedian just still said there was a comedian because it was just so used to saying it and so and it was it's more interesting than the alternative so I bumped into him and he was like where the fuck have you been and I was with another me mate from the gym who I'd always told was a comedian so I couldn't he was like where the fuck have you been why have you stopped doing stand-up and I was like I haven't and he was like you have I was like I haven't because I was embarrassed and he was like you can't stop doing I went I haven't I was done the gig last week and he was like so he went there's a new club hot water just opened it's just a new act and he said just ring up he just signed up and he made me ring up while I was with him and signed up for this gig and I signed up for it and thought I'd never got not doing that not doing it never never I'll just get him out of my life and then the fucking but then when I came round a few weeks later I was in I was in the in my garden with me mate who lived with me at the time just pissed drink we had them little fucking as the barbeque was out just fucking sitting drinking fosters and it come up I was like a little reminder and I was like I thought I meant to do this gig and he went come on it'll be funny it'll be funny come on we're going do it and I was like I've got so I went down and that's the night where I was pissed and I hadn't done stand-up for a year and it just got up and just just wing the audience and it was just I felt dead free on the stage and it was I think what it'd been before that is I started so well that I was sure I was gonna be the best thing in stand-up and it gave me a bit of attendance with a bit of a prick and then when it all went away I was I didn't like who I was and then when it all went away like I kind of reset me a little bit and then with this gig there was no pressure it was just a gig there was no ambition to be anything more than I was and I stayed in hot water for like 10 years and people used to come and say to me it's it's mad that it's happened because people used to go you need to get ground you're too good to just be in the one place and I was like I'm happy I just used to house that club go home add me kids add a nice life just add a nice routine and I think that's probably the happiest I've ever been like day to day content because work wise anyway because there was literally no pressure I had so much freedom to do or wanted they were never going to get rid of me there was no chance of me like I could I could literally get up and say what the fuck I wanted and I knew I had to free them and because I had that freedom I was so comfortable that I would never do badly I've it just wouldn't happen because I just did never put myself under that pressure so that's basically how it there was not there was never much money in that do you know what I mean there was just hosting a comedy club three end up seven nights a week but it's not the best club club comedies are not right living but it's not the best do you think the break from a year from it was gave you a rebranded yourself to then come out and do something different yeah I think it was necessary I think it completely because I wasn't a camper I wasn't like I was never so I was never a comic that was in the room I didn't understand the value of that um and then coming back to it and because I was resident because they made me resident and it was a small club so we had we relied on a regular audience I couldn't rely on the whole a lot of compares will go on and kind of crowbar jokes in and crowbar the setting and that's not not that's not me slagging anyone off that's just that's just the something you would do but I didn't have the luxury of doing that because they don't aid me jokes within about two three weeks so I had to just I literally had to learn to just make ever and about make everything in the room and just make everything in the room how was it when everything started to take off all of you has come in and a bit of money like how did you deal with that not well um second time well when when it went mad when the videos went online and it went mad and it came back off holiday I came I'd been away from in my 60s and come back off holiday and took the babies to Tesco these three lads were in Tesco and I was like they was just looking at me weird and I was thinking fuck I'm not getting mugged in Tesco with the baby in the trolley and I was like and I was walking down and they were like along the next fucking just like looking at me I was thinking what the fuck's happening here and then some woman stopped me went you know that lad off the off that comedy club and I was like oh yeah yeah yeah and she went talking I have a picture and I was like yeah alright and then because she that someone else asked and someone else asked and then the lads came over and they were made up and it just fucking me had fell off a little bit with it and I didn't even get bread in that I just took the baby and got off and fucking Tesco we were just like fucking with everyone's just gone mad in Tesco and started surrounding me she was like what off and I was like yeah it's kind of a fucking mad and then we did a DVD and I was like no one's gonna fucking buy a DVD so and the lad who runs the hot water me means go Paul as well he was like yeah I reckon it'll be alright you know we've we've just stored we just stored the summer see how'd he go and he had a little fucking thing on his iPad so it was on one of them Shopify's do you know what I mean and every time every time it popped up we'd make a tenner do you know what I mean it was just going bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup and I was like we both sat there going fuck off fuck off and it was just bang bang bang bang bang and we sold thousands of these DVDs and I was thinking what the fuck and then we realized we had no infrastructures to sell thousands of DVDs so we had these fucking DVDs in the box coming up to fucking Grimbo so we were sat in this fucking like writing envelopes out of fucking stacks having to go around trying to force them into post boxes and shit like that and all that was fun and then I was like I'd never had money before and I made more in that two weeks than I'd made in the two previous years and I was like just seeing this money going in my bank and he's laughing me out of the bar and then so that was that was that was dead fun and dead novelty but then it all kind of people start treating you a little bit differently and it's like it's it's weird you start like I'm not going to say people like start asking you for stuff and stuff like that because that hasn't really been my experience but like there's that sense of like people treat you a little bit differently when you think you've got money and whether that's your perception of or their perception or it's probably a little bit of hope it's probably somewhere in the middle but I started to struggle a little bit with it then and then that being relationship with me misses which was breaking down anyway broke down so that ended up in like a divorce and then but then obviously everyone thinks oh you're fucking that hadn't been working for a long time and but I had never wanted to be that type of person who because I grew up without a dad and I was like I don't want to be that type of person but it took me to the point where it was only at the point where I knew I could give her the house I was in make sure she was all right for money and get myself somewhere suitable for me kids that was the only point that I was ever comfortable to leave that relationship but obviously everyone on social media and everything's going out you made a bit of money and fucked your fuck your fuck your misses off and all the stuff you think you're fucking and it was I was getting all that shit I think that's when me had fell off a little bit because much like stuff that you've said you although you know it's not true you think fucking I have as my head fell off am I doing that you do question yourself a little bit with it you remain the journey is the best thing see like the first two years when I was doing this on the road and sleeping in the car sometimes because I couldn't afford hotels and I missed that yeah the grind the hustle nobody knew who I was and you say that working you could do that yeah I know I think man you've got it good now yeah and then and because I know how much money can be made as well well then I think don't fucking stop then yeah because then I think it's just crazy the constant battle it's not a bad thing but I think that's the scary thing about the you make a bit of money and you go and obviously your expenditure goes up anyway so it's like you're not even like and then you go I fuck I need to keep on making this much money now and I can't I it that's a it's that's a weird it's a weird thing about people say like my little brother he's he's just got a normal job and he's like normal he's quite a happy guy do you know me lucky bastard and he's from a side he's a bit of a potter but he's he's quite a happy guy for the dogs and then he's he's a happy guy but on paper you would look at us and you go fucking and he's smashing it like but on paper technically richer than me because you just leverage that you don't mean you just like you take on ours and mortgages and car finance and all this kind of stuff and it's just it's tethering you're a little bit and I'm not going to complain about it because I'm I'm in a very fortunate and blessed position yeah same man I don't want to sound like a miserable bastard just because I'm craving more I don't know if it's because I'm greedy I don't know where it is I'm craving because everything that I've ticked off it's not where you wonder that about like Jeff Bezos and that way anything like so you got 70 you got like 40 billion at what point do you start but you see them standing next to each other you've got Zuckerberg the amazon guy you've got tells a guy like and there's no Rolexes are no AP's no Lamborghinis like they're just at that point you don't need they don't give a fuck so that's when I know I'm still at that point where I kind of want to be accepted and kind of still show off there's no I've still got you go there there's no bullshit and about it like I still want to it does make me feel good sometimes but in other times it gets me down so yeah maybe I should just go do you know what fuck it enjoy it do you know that's the point I'm at now I've just about started to feel comfortable enough to show off and I think I think I had a dead interesting conversation with a guy who he's a billionaire and he's a fan like and we just got chatting and then you would never know you would just let never know he owns a lot of land in Liverpool and such a nice guy and we sat and I had a little I don't know if he was into property and stuff so I said I'd have a little chat about like I don't know where to put my money like so he said yeah but I didn't know to what extent and then he sat down he started like he was like he said how you find the money and I said I said I'm not gonna lie I've been a bit silly I brought like watches and he went out everyone does the same thing he went out I've had to say he went out because he knew bugs in my loan you know the rapper yeah he's a good guy I went he went I've had the same conversation with him as well he said you go through the phase he said I remember when I got I got me a because it it was his granddad's good he went I remember when I was 18 and I got me trust from through when I bought the yellow Lamborghini and stuff like that and I was buying all this stuff he said now I just wear these h&m t-shirts he said all the watches now he says the only thing and he had this like Cartier gold Cartier watch which just wasn't even like polished on off and it was just like nice looking watch but you would never notice it he went to he said like that's all I have now he went it's nice and he went JFK's watch that and I was like fuck you know but you would just never know he went he was just like no Scali's gonna look at that he said you've got that date on around your arm every Scali's going fucking because that's the way people think I don't want to think that I want to see success and hard working I want people to I want to lead by example where people go do you know what if he can do it then I can do it but I don't want to promote it I think most people do think that though I think there's the only people who the people who say that kind of stuff for people who can't like can't accept that you can do that without doing that you know me it's just it doesn't make any sense to them but it's just a closed mindset that you can you can't you can't do positive things and reap the reap the rewards what was the story with the busies and you's had the app and you just get fucking raided ah man fucking we we can't we yeah well it was in lockdown in it and fucking we were because we have the streaming service we just started playing old shows just to keep the streaming service going and someone reported us to the fucking 27 busies turned but we thought they were gonna announce a lockdown again last week for New Year's Eve so we had last New Year's Eve show ready to set up because we fought off we get we can get on to raiders again because that went like international news that it was on the news in America and everything it was fucking great such good math because I can't believe somebody stopped you in man that's funny so the busies raided the place and there was nobody there yeah it's fucking it's weird stuff like that it's like like what happened with these like the COVID passport shits and all that which we never we were never involved with there was like a testing trial that they asked us to do a show at the Echo Arena and we were like the lads got involved but then it got like because we were the first one we got like falsely advertised it's like COVID passport and it was all this mad fucking uproar and we were getting death threats and shit for like a couple of days and we pulled straight out of it because it wasn't us and we'd never do that that's not not something we were about but um in a weird turn of events I've been trying to get a fucking blue tick on Instagram simply because I was getting loads of scam accounts made of me every and people were like fucking losing money after because we just get loads of scams every time I posted it was just like oh you've won five thousand pound give us your bank details and some daft country do it you know what I mean yeah I still get that Facebook people doing that shit me bastards yeah it's fucking horrible so I was just like I was trying to get verified and verified for ages and they were like no because you've got no media coverage you've got no media coverage and it was just that news report because they put this fucking horrible thing about COVID passport and a picture of me on stage and I was at the time I was like why the fuck am I on it it's nothing to do with me like I'm just fucking that's why have you put my picture on it but then from blue tick the next day and I was like oh that's fucking weird random way that's mad as well the blue tick thing as well that I chased that and chased it and chased it and then you get it after that day you think what was that why was this chasing that for so long like all these things that people think that's where you're gonna feel great in life it's all bullshit no it's so much bullshit why did you start why did you want to take date have you tried ayahuasca yet no I haven't had the chance to try ayahuasca yet why did you do it DMT I don't know you're in a bad place no I actually wasn't in a bad place and I'd never done any psychedelics before but a mate of mine who is like a psychologist so I mean I tell a story this the end of me show now is the story of me doing DMT for the first time and he's just that I've got some there if you want to try it and he said I think the thing that got me with DMT he said it's like five minutes five minutes and just the curiosity of that I was like all right well it's five minutes because the thing with mushrooms and stuff that I'd always been scared of is I laughed them and go and then he fucking 12 hours in it to go no shit what the fuck can't get out of this now but with the DMT I was like five minutes I can handle that and I had just had a dead good experience on it I said they're really positive like experience with it and it it it shook me a little bit for a few days but you're at a dead good time with it and like I found that I think to call them drugs is wrong I think because I've done drugs and I don't think it's the same thing I think DMT weed all mushrooms they are kind of they shift your perception of things where it's like MDMA cocaine and stuff like that they shift your emotional state thing you're at and the perception of the world is still the same MDMA as well this is a lot of positives it's used old old plants used in a correct way I believe there's there's some sort of medicine in all these different plants leaky cocaine heroin like it's the way they're mixed yeah poison that the mind that yeah I believe everything grown from the earth is can be a positive I've used correctly like there's hundreds of thousands of plants on this planet for them to bring two plants together and create like ayahuasca is mad like when I done ayahuasca like I was in hell I was in fucking hell like a lot of just fire though I used to look up look through my arms because I was fucking scared man they kept telling me to go towards the pain go towards the pain I'm thinking I'm going fucking nowhere I'm going nowhere but it's like flames and then I used to see people dancing and I used to get envious yeah I used to get envious and I thought I'm fucking a dancing and I was in pain they kept rubbing my heart and then I was thinking this is like a cult like I'm going to get shagged in here like they could fucking they could pump you and you wouldn't know what's happening man because you're fucking just the same thing yeah it wasn't you it was a serpent big fucking Mexican hanging out your ass like let's give me a give me a give me another perception on the weed and stuff because like I think what to do is like if you have mushrooms or DMT mushrooms in DMT I think take you to the same place and the very similar experiences mushrooms are just slower it's it's a more sort of version of it and it's a more sensory you can spend more time there so you can move between this and that and it kind of shifts your reality it shifts your perception of what's that I think it's always happening you just see energies and stuff I think I've got a lot of nice paintings of mine like abstracts and stuff yeah and you can see the paintings they dance when you're on mushrooms and like that wouldn't move do you know me and like I've got like kids toys and it's like made in China or whatever there's no life in it and I'm kind of looking at that corner like where I can see the energy in that and weed as well I think the problem the problems people have on weed and the reason like people say causes mental health problems I don't think particularly that does and this is just my theory but just from my own experiences when people smoke too much weed whenever you smoke weed you shift your shift your perception to a slightly different realm so that's why you know when you when you're on weed you have these weed thoughts and they make total fucking sense to you and then when you're sober you try and tell someone about it I write jokes all the time I used to when I was on weed and I was like makes this not funny it doesn't make any fucking sense it does but not in this like kind of reality and in that reality it makes it makes sense and I think if you can just shift your perception over a little bit from time to time it's very helpful the kind of complement each other but when you smoke weed every day when you're getting up in the morning you're just smoking weed in the morning you're just smoking weed all day you spend so much time in that reality that when you try and come back into this one it's so guaranteed that that's where the mental health problems and the paranoia do not come in because it doesn't make any real sense to you when you start sobering up so you try and get back to there because it's where you feel more comfortable and I've never really seen it that way until I did the mushrooms because I would never get up in the morning and take mushrooms you know what I mean I've never do it but I found every time every experience I've had the mushrooms has been really profoundly positive and I felt great after it for a few days and since then I use the weed in a very similar way so I use I'll have to it to weed I'll come up and I'll use it for something I'll sit and I'll write or I'll sit and I'll do something I'll try and get something out and I won't go back again because I feel like the more time you spend there the more damaging it is but it can be it it if you if you just use it to as the tool it was intended it can be very very positive and very helpful you look at guys look too packed by gay like all the great rappers look they all smoke a lot of weed because he feels after it they're most creative yeah but for me I couldn't have one joint two joints yeah I'm hot nothing because it's so good not being in real life yeah because it's just vegetating but then I used to look at myself and I think you look I used to go gray but you do change color you change fucking color and I just I just because I'm lazy anyway so if I'm doing all that stuff I'm just nowhere to be seen and I listen life is amazing I feel good I feel blessed but I still got to force myself to get up I've got to force myself to hit the road again and drive hundreds of miles to hit certain targets and be two or three weeks ahead of the game like this is between Christmas and New Year now everybody's partying I'm working yeah I'm here smashing out four podcasts in two days like I'm already ahead of the game in January when everybody else is still trying to catch up that's my method of thinking like I want to be the biggest on the planet for me to do that I've got to work harder than the rest and distance myself with everything they can't do and achieve like me it's a fucking lonely road and I always say that's it's so lonely like being on the road but I just know what it brings to the family like we're going on holiday again in six weeks like I can fuck it I've got freedom but to keep the freedom up I've still got to bust my balls like I'm not at that stage where I've got to fuck you money and I can just leave things listening to three years it's going to come I might become a cunt I might be driving the fucking Ons Lambo and smoking DMT in the living room not giving a fuck like I just feel as if I've constantly got to work like I want nice things like I want beautiful cars I'll have a Rolls Royce that I'm not there yet but I will have it doesn't mean I'm a bad guy but it doesn't mean I wake up coming in my pants every day that I've got nice watches I roll it or whatever cars and whatever house it's not where I feel I think you do if it comes as a byproduct of this yeah that's fine yeah just to enjoy the small moments of it and be grateful for it and not understand that it's not going to heal all your pain no it can't yeah because that's just it's just it's impossible to be happy all the time anyway yeah it doesn't exist it's just doesn't make me feel happy half an hour after the gym yeah yoga or cold water therapy when I'm with the kid listening when I'm with my kids it's not as if I'm happy because I'm constantly on fucking edge and they do my head and they just fight like fuck so it's not as if people see all my kids making happy and I'm thinking you're lying but I don't know what it is oh my kids and my family making a happy little out for Christmas dinner just all arguing and fighting I'm thinking I just wanted to go fucking home you're just doing my fucking head I need people to say oh it's family time Christmas I'm thinking fuck them man give me some ice water man bad DMT a few mushrooms a bit of smack and fuck everybody else how do you deal with but oh like everything with your mindset and constantly try to sometimes barely get away but then to get your level man it's unbelievable what you've achieved that you can't fucking fault that like how have you dealt with it now though like you're at the peak of your game like everybody knows who you are and you're doing great um I'm dealing with it a lot better now I it's still a problem like I filmed a I filmed a little vlog like this year I filmed all the shows behind the scenes and we filmed them on put them out on YouTube and stuff and I think people have enjoyed that because I've been very open on it like with the ups and the downs and again like you say before people think that and your ass is is the worst thing that's that it's not it's like it's doing like I did two shows Newcastle and Newcastle is amazing do you know what I mean City Hall so we've got two two near two and a half thousand people in both nights rammed their good crowds loads of energy and they're absolutely amazing and you do these things and you hit that high and you come off and that's the that's for me that's like that's the best drug for me it's like you can't I've never had anything that will match that level of when you're smashing a gig for like when you've got that crowd and you can do anything with them and you're smashing that gig for an hour and a half and you come off I've got a stand in a vision and I've got a roll on tape and it looks fucking incredible do you know what I mean and then I got home and I just sat there and I just felt fucking awful and of course I'm going to film this because people I think that I think people who find that interesting so just got the camera and I just had a little chat to the camera and I was just felt like suicidal is probably a strong word but I get that fucking you know that little fucking intrusive thought where you just I mean I get it when I get a fucking park I'm fine or when I've got a fucking do me taxes or whatever my brain just goes just kill yourself it'd be easier just fucking kill yourself just why don't you just kill yourself just kill yourself it'd be a lot easier um that little fucking weird voice and so I'm chatting about that it's like it's those it's not the deaths that are bad it's the it's coming down from those peaks from those heights from from doing those big massive shows or as you say where you've got everything that you thought you wanted you've got everything that you thought you wanted then as soon as a little flicker of that little depression comes back in or that little sadness or melancholy or which is bound to you go oh for fuck's sake well what can I do what can I do because I can't possibly do better than that I can't do better than that I've got everything that I could ever want I'm I'm I'm blessed I mean I can't even moan now because I've I've literally I've achieved everything I want to achieve and now I'm still not happy it's a fucking slippery slope that though it is but then it comes back around to get that standing ovation to then this is your side of thought it's like yeah and it was less than a day do you know me and I'm sat there fucking in the kitchen just on my own depressed why is that the old comics do that because it's got to but it has to go somewhere it this is the thing I don't think people really realise about like it's such an emotional high and such an energy transfer you're giving so much and getting so much you it's got to go somewhere it's just literally go somewhere you're up there you've got to come back down it's got to be a balance to remain it's got to balance out to some points and from the high anything feels like to remain when are you're happiest on stage is that your because I see this all the time as well when I do these podcasts like I don't think about anything else yeah this is when I'm at my happiest and then I'll go home and drive and I think oh that was a shit interviewer I should have said this or I should have said that and I'm going home I'm just gonna lie in my house and on tiktok for the next five hours like these are like oh shit but it's like an escape man yeah just to be away because the brakes can multitask it can take you past present future it keeps me in the now because I'm concentrating I'm intrigued by your words I'm intrigued by what people say so I can interact with the story and take it on a journey and for people watching want to like that so I'll twist the sentences and I'll take it on a different journey for people to enjoy the experience for people sitting and I love them go fucking I enjoyed that I didn't expect that it's like a creative because I didn't know because I always crave sugar after interviews yeah and the camera man Ryan he says when I done he done a creative uh media course he says you've got to keep um glucose tablets because your glucose levels drop that's why I crave sugar to bring up my sugar levels but that's why I ask my excuse for eating shit yeah so that's why I always crave sugar after because you're giving so much energy towards that your levels drop you need to pick them up again but he says you take the glucose tablets it's not as extreme as binging on chocolate food food yeah so I didn't know that man so but I've still not listened to it because after this I'll get asked and I'll drive up the road and and then I'll think like what's next yeah it's fucking nuts mate jink my bonkers oh definitely do you know what and I think we 100% are but I don't really want to be I don't really like again going back to that is what I'm scared of fixing it a little bit yeah you feel like if I fix it and just become a well-adjusted individual and we're just I'm not going to lose yourself if you 100% truly that's a scary thought to have but to keep all the the madness in this is what I was going back to what I said earlier about like I feel like I think this is why my body sometimes I have these long periods of like being very well adjusted having a lovely routine fucking getting cold showers breathing doing yoga and stuff like that and then my body goes that's not interesting mate you need to go and fucking you need to be a mess you need to be a mess for a little bit you need because you need some tragedy in your life because tragedy is comedy do you know what I mean and you need that you need that in there um I'm getting less and less now I like there's a bit in me showing them so I can put it now because all me other shows have been like it's in a relationship I wasn't particularly happy and this is not to slag my ex off at all because she's a great woman like we got on we got on dead well now that's not what I mean to do but we've been happy together and a lot of if you look up back back at like my first couple of tour shows I'm jokingly slagging it off a lot and it was like veiled a lot of truth is said and jest and all that shit there's me missus now is amazing like we get on like we get on so well and like I was really fucking scared of that because I was like the fuck am I gonna moan about what am I gonna moan about on stage but then I just went on I I'm getting more able to go on and just be open now and just I'm I don't want to be that fucking oh family voice or whatever but like I'm getting more able to just go on and be myself and so I'm hoping that that gets to a point now where I can just I can be that kind of zen individual and still be funny but it hasn't happened yet you're scared that that doesn't happen if that I mean yeah yeah but fuck it on it fuck it if it does I just I'm I just fucking I I've I've come to drugs late in life as well I think that's that's a thing for me so like like I had an MDMA until last year you fucking love it you've mentioned off and round off about five different drugs here today you're starting to fucking get me excited so sorry I'll end up buying on it back again see me why do you think love a pool uh comedians and love a pool of flying high just now man like I think it's the club me you know Adam's fucking flying as well yeah well Adam started I hosted Adam's first gig and I honestly think it's the club I think it's hot water and it's the I would I quite safely say it's the best in the country um if all the comics in the comments in fucking I don't think many disagree to be honest I mean that if they do they'll be I mean I've been subjective do you know me and there's some fantastic comedy clubs uh but it's got to be in the conversation it's it's it's just phenomenal place um and I think it's up there with some of the best in the world I'm seeing some of them with Frankie Allen man a Tief and Tan man and so many so Scousers man I'm seeing on like what on the Instagram yeah it's the fame because like we've got like I don't like to go down the whole route of like like all Scousers are funny and all that stuff I don't like because I don't think that's naturally I I think any port town because I think it's the same as Glasgow it's the same as Newcastle same as the same as Bellfast same as Dublin same as that those places where you've had a lot fucking a lot of people match together and you've had to get along that humor comes out because it's the best way to break the ice of fellas do you know me and just fucking have that humor so I think there's a lot a lot of that going about um but I think having this club yeah but working we but what's happened is we've got me Adam you've got Danny Mark you've got Freddie we've got Phil we've got like all these all these acts who are having to be on the same bills each other like Troy or Milo plays Troy or got all these people who were top of the game so to be on the bill with them you've got to be as good as them or better and then so I'll push myself to get a little bit better than Adam goes all right well I've got to follow that so because we all switched around on the bill so we've got to be able to follow each other you can't be like you just can't not have that ability to do that so then I have to follow Adam he has to follow me I have to follow Adam he has to follow me so we're just pushing each other up in that way and it's just like it's just training with better people in there how you dealing with the cancel culture I don't particularly get bothered by it that much simply because no one really I'm not a particular although I'm only I'm edgy and I'm very graphic but I'm only I only ever talk about myself the only thing I've ever had the problem with is people saying I shouldn't talk about me so I'm being autistic on stage but I just told them to go and fuck themselves because I was talking about my experience of having an autistic son so they can like I wasn't talking about the experience of being autistic I'm talking about my autistic and I've had so many autistic parents of autistic kids come to me and say it was it's fucking hard being the parents of an autistic kid and they gave them it is able to make them laugh so don't give a fuck about that but I'm quite a lucky position where I'm not on telly I've got agent it's hard to cancel me because if if if they wanted to because like they can't really take it away from me because they're not going to stop me playing the club the people who come and see me decide to come and see me I'm not I'm not really that offensive to me. Yeah it's fucking embarrassing anyway for me is comedy's comedy mine it should be a free for all I'm very dark humor'd anyway I like that stuff I like doing that because it's it's so fucked up it's funny and you like obviously you get Dave Chappelle when I had Americans like he kind of just went all on these last show on Netflix and do you know what fair fucking player that like he's yeah I I I thought his last show was great I thought I thought he's he's so clever that he made he made the show up out he made the show about people getting offended who won't have seen the show and people got offended they weren't seeing the show and I thought that was that's like that's like next level masterpiece stuff but it's it must become a lot of pressure on some comics like people are scared to then be sitting on the fence but then you're not really a true comedian for me for me it's never lose that never lose you like I had Dapper laughs on and he'd done a joke and he had to go and say sorry about it in front of millions of people and I kind of thought and he knows this now but saying sorry and stuff kind of then sorry for what he made a joke and they tried to twist it and stuff and it obviously just backfired on him and it kind of destroyed he destroyed himself went off the rails but now he's back thankfully because fucking good guy but yeah I think apologizing for certain things just then it makes defeat like you're a you're a comedian you're supposed to say fucked up shit yes some people's not going to like it all like Frankie Boyle says a lot of shit and I think it's a wee bit too much but it's just these fucking nates you know it's just well every it's all perception and everyone gets offended by something I I mean it's very hard to offend me but if like going back to like if someone went on stage and started being horrible about autistic kids I'd probably wouldn't enjoy it but I'm not gonna go I'm not gonna try and cancel them because I understand I've got a good understanding of comedy and I understand intention as well like they're not particularly if they're just going on I'm trying to be a cunt for the sake of being a cunt and they're not funny that's the that's the biggest thing that offends me if it's not funny then it should but if someone says something funny then I won't laugh do you know what I mean it's all going to be something that's that's an air of like Frankie Boyle stuff where they say where the Harvey thing like I don't personally like that but you'll still think fucking that's sick but people will laugh like there's the sick jokes I'll laugh at other people won't laugh at so it's everybody's just different it's just yeah let them be who they want to be if you don't if you don't like agree with what they say but fucking watch them well like a good example of this the closest I've been to getting into any shit over the last tour was this is a clip of me at the start of me beaming him show talking to a guy in the front row talking to his daughter and she was nice and I said what's your name he's like eight and I said oh what you do eight and he went so not much and I thought he talked to a fella who's retired so I went oh you're retired like this lazy fucker and he went no I've got cancer right so I just fucking went on and I went oh fucking out thanks for fucking ruining the show eight fucking all that all going on about eight cancer and I just came below the ship but luckily in the room it went off like it was I think I've seen that actually and luckily I had the crowd shot and so you can see him in his mrs and his kids laughing the fucking hands off at it and I just proper went oh we've seen your own facebook oh it's back it's malignant oh shut the fuck up babe I gave him a load of shit about it and I come off the stage and I was like fucking out and my message rudy does all the film and did you get that and he went yeah yeah I was like thank fucking and I was like oh was it too far and he was like I don't know but like I'm gonna have to watch it back and but and I was watching it back in the break thinking fucking hell it's gonna be a good clip there's gonna be a good clip and then I got I went on my phone because I was about to ring the guy to say I was just fucking the maddest things just happened and I had the message of his daughter saying thank you so much for that like that's the first time we felt normal a long time and he and he messaged me as well saying oh thanks and that sealed it for me because I thought like and I got I've had a load of shit in the comments off it that's fucking taking the piss out of people with cancer because they're not really I'm not do you know what I mean they're not really listening they're not watching it they're just in the way of cancer and thinking I'm being a cunt and I mean we didn't help that by putting the caption too far on it but it's fucking comedy that's what the comedy is beautiful if you can take something serious and turn on their joke then for me that's comedy all I was asked about in that situation was he had a good night there yeah that man has sat there he's got cancer you know what I mean he doesn't need me fucking making the whole room feel tense about it you know what I mean he's brought it up that's the best thing I could have done in the situation and he was fucking made up about it and I thought that's all that's that's comedy for me do you question that sometimes though when you walk off you think fuck you know what afterwards after the fact because there's the same as anything to me all the stuff we've said today it's like we all have that we're second-guessing ourselves all the time but I knew it was the right thing to do because I did it in the moment in that moment I felt the tension in the room and I broke it do you know what I mean and I broke it and I kept everyone laughing which was my job everyone's paid I've got a thousand people there paid to see me and for me to make them laugh all night do you know what I mean they're all going through their own everyone's going through their own stuff in life and that's my job to just take them out of that for an hour and just make them laugh and make them feel a bit better and I did that for him and he probably well I know because he said in the message he said that's the most he's laughed in as long as he could remember and I thought well that's even if everyone calls me a cunt on the internet that's where if it's just for him who do you look up to is a comedian is there anyone that stands out you look up to is and go I don't know it's a tough question it's the question you gotta give a lot of thought it was a comedian because you do get asked it quite a bit and I don't think I ever really realized but I haven't given it a lot of thought I think and looking at my style when I do material I remember I don't have the best relationship with me dad but I remember when I was a kid one of the last things I can remember is he put me when we stay it is me and I could go to bed and then he let me get back up after I could go sleep I mean watch Doctor Who and then watch Dave Allen and I always remember laughing at Dave Allen I don't think I fully understood what I was laughing on at the time but I think I took a lot of his cadences on and a lot of his style of like storytelling because I tell really long form really detailed stories I try and get the most out of it and I watch back and Dave Allen if no one's seen him is I don't think he gets credited with it but I think he is the father of modern British stand-up because he did stand up in a different way to everyone else it was just stories and it was beautiful beautiful stories it's it's been a stand-up about teaching a kid to tell a time it's fucking phenomenal if you haven't seen it get on YouTube it's so good so I always say I'd have to say Dave Allen yeah where do you go now like you're at the top of your game like you're loved all over now you're selling out arenas what's the plans for the future just meet just carry it on just I I do want to do a bit more I mean talks with a mate of mine about doing a making a film possibly just self producing a little so I want to try and do something I dabbled with a little bit of acting and I enjoyed it but yeah stand-up wise just I'm happy with what I'm turning out to mean I'm happy with this this latest show that's just coming to an end this tour it's definitely the best I've ever done I'm happy with how I'm I'm quite prolific on stage at the minute and I'm just yeah so in that regard just keep on going because the shows I'm playing are just amazing and everyone seems quite positive about it so yeah when you're in Glasgow match fucking no no do you lie mate what happened oh fucking don't get me started fucking well it got postponed and postponed isn't it and when the kings which is probably one of my favorite venues and it just couldn't get a fucking date so we got moved to like july next year which is like the tour ends in february and then I've got them two fuckers out in july so I don't even know what's gonna happen it's probably that that'll probably be the first date of the next though no yeah we've got two sold out shows and that's fucking unbelievable what is that two and a half foes it now no what is it in the kings of fucking I want to say 1700 Glasgow first place ever got terrified with the the it was at the theatre royal you know to the side yeah it comes out the side door it's the first place I've ever thought fuck I might need security yeah and they were all dead positive but like they're coming out there and I've come out the side door and they were like hey fucking and they pick me up and fucking carry me down the street and I was like you know you kind of laughing along with me you think if these don't stop I can't stop don't you know I haven't done it but they just fucking dropped me off by the little there's a little whiskey bar called pot stuff I think the glass regions in the schools are kind of like yeah kind of fucked up in the head like six sense as you know like it's a good bond that kind of zero fox giving mentality wild yeah but they fucking show you a lot of love if they support the man like they're right behind you and that's a good thing like but for what you're achieving brought it's unbelievable yes you've got your struggles and battles like fucking every single person like you're not shying away from them we're constantly searching to try and fix them wow have I fixed my problem that's the thing isn't it you gotta look at the things in the mirror and just fucking try and embrace them and just understand them about yourself mad but in that life experience the journey but for anybody that's moving through some sort of struggles at now what advice would you have for them um if anyone's going through that's a tough one I think don't rush I think it's the best advice I could give like try and simplify if you're really struggling you really feel down I think just try and simplify as much just try and step everything back and just go back to the start it's never too late to just go back to the start and just just start try and find something that you you take some kind of pleasure in and like something that you get some value from like like me with comedy or you with this do you remain there's been points in your life that you I imagine you've been sat there thinking I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do I don't know what I'm gonna do you would never imagine you were gonna be doing this do you know what I mean and if someone would have said to you know you're gonna get a couple of microphones and some and some cameras and travel around so hundreds of people and millions of people are gonna watch you they'd be like what the fuck is all about do you know what I mean with a made no sense to you so like just because the answer is not apparent or you can't see the way out doesn't mean there's not a way out or there's doesn't mean there's not a lot of positivity and if you just just take your time with it simplify try and try and get yourself healthy and then just opportunities will come up which are social media links brother for people it's um all of the joker on instagram um and yes for any tickets and stuff just hot water comedy dot code uk you'll leave all the links in the description uh yeah and uh you can check my little podcast out who misses what's the story so you know couple yeah a couple of fucking psychers funny than me um dead good coming on today bro tell me your story a genuine guy good guy i wish you all the best for your future and look forward to coming to one of your shows bro god bless you