 I have always worked on growing, healing, and evolving. And when I look at when I didn't want to have kids, I was really happy and content with where I was. But I was still trying to grow. Today, let's just say, let's just say I didn't have a child. I'd still see myself as evolved and continuing to. You never become fully evolved, right? But something happened and I just changed my mind. I said, you know what? Because, and it really is because I'm in a trustworthy relationship and I also I'm not being so hard on myself anymore and I've healed. I changed my mind and I said, you know what? I want to be a mom. I chose it. I decided to shift my perspective and choose this for myself. This week's topic is one that everybody can contribute and relate to to some capacity. Should you change core parts of yourself once you get into a relationship? And I'm talking about the big shit, your long-term goals, your value system, the core parts of your personality, how you function in your day-to-day life. Should those things be malleable once you now get into a relationship? This is what I discussed with Jeannie Mae Jenkins. This is a really meaty part of the discussion that I had with her. But if you want the full discussion, plus how I brought this dialogue into my personal life, you have to listen to the podcast, Lovers and Friends, available wherever podcasts are. But before we get into that part, let's get into this. Jeannie Mae. Hi, Shan. Hi, Boo. Hi. I am over the moon for you. Yeah, really. I really am. So there's a school of thought that when you get with somebody, they're supposed to love you for who you are. And you're not supposed to change for love. Yeah. Because love is about acceptance. And if you have to change for love, then it's not the right person for you. Right. But you changed a lot. A lot. I don't agree with that school of thought because I don't expect somebody to change for me, but I want them to grow and to become better versions of themselves for them. Like the person who my favorite quality in a person that I think is so attractive is self-awareness. I love when someone's self-aware to be like, you know what, that was kind of narcissistic of me, or that was kind of selfish of me, or that. And then whatever you see when you call that out, do what you got to do in order to kind of grow out of that, or stop or draw a boundary between you and that person. For example, I have a really hot temper. Not a lot of people know this, but it's just something in my family. I've seen it. My grandmother, I'm sorry. I saw it in my grandfather, to my grandmother, to my mom, to my aunts, to me. Right. But I didn't notice it in myself until I was with GZ. Interesting. You didn't notice in your previous marriage? No, no. Because it has to do with the type of relationship you have and the type of respect you have for that person to mirror things back to you, where you actually would stop you in your tracks and evaluate yourself, you know? So you had it. So I had it, but nobody ever called me out on it. Also, in my line of work, sometimes being a boss isn't so great for you, because you have a lot of people who just agree to what you want. They're yes men, right? And so I didn't notice that I had a hot temper until I got with GZ. And here's a person who is my equal. And I really respect. And when I would spew some of my old habits, and he was like, uh-uh, who, that's not flying here. And also, it would trigger him to come back at me with things where I was like, who the fuck do you think you are? But I was triggering him. So through work, we learned that we both have certain habits that to the everyday person from friends, family, fans, they'll never see it. But to the person who loves us deep enough, you can press that button and boom, the dragon comes out. And we both have it. So we had to work on that. But he never told me to fix my temper. I just saw it and I thought, unless I want to stay in this place where I lose this person I love, and I stay in my comfort zone of doing what I want to do and function the way I have for the last 40 years where nobody else had to stop me. Which obviously has done quite well for you. Right. I could have. But this was something greater that I wanted. And also a great challenge to myself to say, what if now that I know it exists and the dragon's there, what if I got rid of that? How do I kill that dragon or store it in its place so that it never creates havoc in my life? And that took work. So for me, I think I don't want somebody who doesn't change. I want you to change and grow. If it means growing into an even better version of what I fell in love with. There's this theory that's called the self-expansion theory and it essentially says that humans are unique to other animals and that rather than just needing the basics of food, water, shelter, safety, belonging, we also need achievement. And that's what makes it different. So we are just as driven to find somewhere safe to sleep as night as we are to get up in the morning and strive for something. So when we're in a relationship, it's an opportunity for achievement because you can learn something else. You see the world broader. You have a new circle. So we are... When you're in a relationship, it's an opportunity for achievement. Yes. That is why I'm in my relationship. You just nailed it right there. What's that thing called again? Self-expansion theory. I'm all about the SET. That is, that, that, yes. That is me. Everybody always asks why in this relationship are you, has it changed you? Has it made you softer and different in these different ways? And I, of course, he's a great man, but what is it beyond his looks or his accolades that make me so attracted to this relationship and working for it? Like actually working for it. Like changing myself, growing, doing things. It's the ability to achieve. It makes me actually like myself more. I want to say something that someone said to me and I want to know what your reaction to this is. Okay. Okay. So we're going to role play and say, Janie, the last time that I saw you because I haven't seen you in a long time, you didn't want to have kids. Right. And now you've evolved into a woman who knows that it's her time to share a life and to give life. It's beautiful. You really dug in there with that evolve. You really, oh, I didn't like that one. I'm trying to process it because I'm forgetting you were role playing. But I was like, what do you mean by evolve? Like it has nothing to do with whether or not I chose to have kids be evolving to me, just means growing into understanding and accepting myself more. And that could also mean not choosing to have children. But that right there hit so low behind the beyond below the belt because you almost made me feel like I was stuck in a place that I would never recognize was lower than other women out there. That because now I changed my mind, I've caught up. And that is insulting. I really don't understand why and moms now that I'm a mom, I'm speaking to moms out there too. I don't love when moms make you feel like they feel bad for you if you don't see it. They actually sympathize like, but you don't know they're the real love of a mother. There's nothing like it. And you'll never experience life until you see it this way. And those things, I look at the I try to play devil's advocate and I see what you're saying in the sense of another type of love. I'll never know that until I've experienced it. Yes, that is true. But that doesn't mean I will be shorted on the type of love that is available for me because I didn't choose to have kids. And so when moms, which happened my whole life, looked down upon me because they were like, Oh, poor thing. She doesn't get it. Because you'd also hate the person who is super rich and you offer them a bottle of wine. They're like, you don't know. You actually haven't really had have you not been to the Himalayan Mountains? Right. There's a cave you got to go. You won't experience wine until then. And you're like, Fuck you, bitch. My $7 bottle of wine is delicious. And it works for me. Yeah. And it gives me a damn good time. And if you try some, you probably know. Right. For me, I feel great just saying, I changed my mind. I literally just changed my mind. I have always worked on growing, healing, and evolving. And when I look at when I didn't want to have kids, I was really happy and content with where I was. But I was still trying to grow. Today, let's just say, let's just say I didn't have a child. I'd still see myself as evolved and continuing to. You never become fully evolved. Right. But something happened. And I just changed my mind. I said, you know what? Because it really is because I'm in a trustworthy relationship. And I also, I'm not being so hard on myself anymore. And I've healed. I changed my mind. And I said, you know what? I want to be a mom. I chose it. I decided to shift my perspective and choose this for myself. You're finding yourself now in this space where not only do you love yourself more through the partnership that you're in and like yourself more, which I think is very, very different. Yeah. Liking yourself in reflection of your partner. But you now are creating something with your partner, which is another life. Yes. Have you thought about what does the next version of you look like with Baby J in your arms? As an American, it's my responsibility to understand the lives and the needs of the cultures that exist around me. So whether it's Black, Native American, Hispanic, I live and dwell with all of my neighbors that are of different races. So I need to understand what each journey is because not everybody is the same. But then now being married to a Black man, I need to understand even more. His journey and his perspective so that I can be of genuine support and allyship to him. But then now having a blood child who's going to be of those mixed races, I need to learn even more and adopt it because I can't have this Black child only be grown up to know Vietnamese culture. This Black child can't just be Vietnamese and not understand where his ancestors, his or her ancestors come from or what hardship the Jenkins had to go through specifically or what Black people had to go through to get a voice in this country. Like there's so much more now because you carry the blood of lineage and have so many who have done so much and died to be in your place, you know? Yes. So that's how that has evolved for me.