 The Jack Penney program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. You know, friends, nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And remember, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means, like a bagel, Richard tasting, like a bagel. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! Friends, I think you'll agree that smoking enjoyment depends on the taste of your cigarette. For nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And Lucky's taste better. Cleaner and fresher and smoother. You see, Lucky's better taste starts with fine, mild, good tasting tobacco. Remember, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. But equally important, Lucky's are made better to taste better. Made round and firm and fully packed. That's why Lucky's draw freely, smoke evenly, and give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother taste. So, friends, get the one thing you want most in your cigarette. Better taste. On your next trip to the cigarette counter, be happy. Go Lucky. Ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. You'll find, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis A. Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, last night, Jack Benny gave a party at his home for his sponsor. It's now the morning after, and we find Rochester with the aid of his boyfriend, Roy, cleaning up the house. I was too tired last night to get all these dishes, Roy. Yeah, there sure is a pile of them this time. Well, it was a pretty big affair. The president of Lucky Strike was out here, and since he's leaving for New York today, Mr. Benny gave him a farewell party. Again? Yeah. Every time the sponsor comes out to talk business, Mr. Benny gives him a farewell party. Well, why is that? To keep the sponsor from giving him a farewell party. Let's finish these dishes. Uh, how many people were here last night? Nineteen. Well, that's funny. I only counted eighteen dinner plates. Mr. Phil Ass was here, and he's not a food man. Everybody was here. Mr. Benny's cast, writers, musicians. Or were his neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman here? No, they were in fight, but they couldn't come. They both had coals. Well, isn't that unusual for both of them to have coals at the same time? No, they sat out in the rain all night to get them. Go and clean up the living room. Okay. You dust off the furniture. I'll empty the ice tray. Shall I dust off the piano? And the piano player, too. He's been there since New Year's Eve. Now, Roy, you keep on with the dust, and I got to look for something. Okay. Now, let's see. It ought to be around here somewhere. No, it's not under the chair. It's not behind the sofa either. It's not in any of the corners. There, that takes care of the piano. Hmm. It's not under the coffee table. You know, Rochester, whenever I see Mr. Benny, he seems so dignified. How is he at a party? Does he ever let his hair down? What do you think I'm looking for? Good morning, Rochester. Good morning, boss. Good morning, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Roy. Say, Rochester, wasn't that a swell party I gave last night? Yes, sir. I thought the caviar was wonderful, and the vichy swad just right. Boss. The baked pheasant under glass was done to perfection. Boss. I thought some of the guests preferred the breast of Guinehan. Boss, you careful, Roy. He washed the dishes. By the way, Rochester, did Miss Livingston call? No, sir. She said she would. I'm supposed to go to an auction with her. Well, she didn't. There weren't any calls at all. You mean Frank Remley didn't call up to apologize? No, sir. I thought that by now he would have slept it off and called me. Well, maybe he's waiting for you to apologize to him. After all, he didn't want to leave the party. You made him go. Well, certainly I made him go. If I told Frankie once, I told him a thousand times. It's not funny when he grabs his guitar, jumps on Don Wilson's back, and yells, look at me. I'm Roy Rogers. It was embarrassing. Oh, it wasn't so bad. Not only that, but did you ever hear such lyrics to the Madame of Zell from Arm and Tears? I never heard such off. See who that is, will you, Rochester? Yes, sir. By the way, Roy, I really appreciate your coming over to help Rochester with the cleaning. Oh, that's all right. Rochester's my friend. I know, but I want to give you this money to show my appreciation. Well, thank you, Mr. Benny. You know, I'm out of a job, and it's hard for two people to get along on unemployment insurance. Two people? I didn't know you were married. I'm not. I have to keep lending money to Rochester. Yeah, I can't understand it. I pay Rochester a nice salary. What does he do with his money? Well, almost every year, you go to England. And to celebrate, Rochester throws a little party here, which puts him in debt. Oh, so while I'm away, Rochester throws a party here? How long does the party last? That depends on how long you stay in England. The party lasts for two months? Plus six days if you come back by boat. Look, Roy... Next time, why don't you fly back and join us? I'll have to have a talk. Oh, Rochester, who was at the door? It was Dennis Day. He's waiting for you in the den. I wonder what he wants. Boss, I think Mr. Day wants to show his appreciation for being invited to your party. He's carrying a beautifully wrapped package that looks like a gift. Well, that's nice. I'll go talk to him. Yeah, I wonder what Dennis could possibly have brought me. I always thought he was a silly kid, yet he's the only member of my cast to show his appreciation. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Dennis. Gee, it's nice of you to come over. Thank you. I just came by to tell you how much I enjoyed your party last night. I'm glad that you invited me. Well, here, certainly welcome, kid. By the way, Dennis, what have you got in that package? Oh, nothing. Oh, come on, kid. Don't be a tease. What's in the package? Nothing. Now, Dennis, the package is gift wrapped and it looks so pretty. What's in it? Nothing. All right, if you don't want to tell me, at least give me a hint. Well, it's something a famous person wants wore. Something a famous person... Look, I'm no good at guessing games. What's in the package? Nothing. Oh, yeah, give me that package. I'm going to open it. Well, okay, here. Hmm. Dennis, this package is empty. I know. Well, Dennis, why in the world would you carry around an empty package? Well, that way, when somebody asks me what's in it, I can tell them the truth and still drive nuts. Well, that's about the craziest thing. Wait a minute. You told me that the package contains something that a famous person wants wore. That's right. Who? Lady Godiva. Can I try out my song now? Do anything. Just don't talk to me anymore. Okay. That kid drives me nuts. Love in your... You like my song, Mr. Benny? Aren't you going to talk to me, Mr. Benny? Sorry, I got your matter. I won't do it again. To be honest, I was only trying to have a little... Come on in. No, you come on out for a minute, Jack. I want to show you something. Show me something? Yeah. Come on. What is it, Mary? Can't you see? Mary. Mary, that new car. Is it yours? Uh-huh. Gosh, Mary, what a beautiful convertible. Congratulations. Well, thanks. Gee, a car like that costs about $5,000. That's right. Wait a minute, Mary. How can you afford a car like this? Well, after all, Jack, I've been working for you for 20 years. I know. So last week I went out of the bank, drew out all the money I saved, bought a raffle ticket and won the car. You see, Mary, I told you, stick with me and you'll do okay. Boy, what a car. Look how big the luggage compartment is. Gee, it certainly is roomy and... Wait a minute, I don't see any spare tire. Well, the car didn't come with a spare tire. Well, of all the nerve. That's awful. What do you want me to do? Go get my dollar back? Next time you buy a raffle ticket, read it carefully. That way you won't get stuck. Hey, Jack, I want to show you something else. Here, look at this. It's the latest thing. What is it? It's an automatic dimmer. When you're driving along at night and another car is coming toward you, their lights hit this little gadget and it automatically dims your lights. Gee, that's not so new. I've got the same thing. Jack, it's not the same thing. What? When another car passes your Maxwell, the wind blows your lights out. It does not. Let's go in the house. And then we'll go to the auction. Say, Mary, what is it if you're so anxious to bid on over there? Oh, nothing in particular, but sometimes you can pick up some very nice antiques. Oh, well, let's go in. I'll get my coat. Okay. Oh, look, Mary, there's Mr. and Mrs. Coleman out on the porch and Sherwood, their English partner, is serving him tea. Oh, yes. Hello, Ronnie. Hello, Bonita. He had to catch a cold. He wasn't even invited. Let's get in the house. Mary, when we get to that auction... Oh, hello, Mary. You didn't tell me Dennis was here. I know, I know. He's not speaking to me. Why, Dennis, what'd you do this time? I'll tell you what this silly kid did, Mary. Comes over here with a package under his arm that looks like a present for me. Makes me waste my time guessing what's in it. Then when he opens it, it's empty. Dennis, shut up! Gee, Mr. Benny, I'm sorry I made you mad. I guess it's no use. I better go. Goodbye, Mary. Bye, Dennis. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye. That I'll say to you. Now go already. Oh, say, Dennis. What? I want you to offer my congratulations to your brother. I read in the paper that he's going to marry Anne Blythe. Yeah, that's right. But, Dennis, there's one thing that I don't understand. Your brother's name is McNulty, and your name is Day. Why is that? Well, you know how it is, Mary. When you get into professional life, sometimes you change your name. Oh, so you changed yours? No, he changed his. He didn't want people to know I'm his brother. See, Mary, it pays not to talk to him. Oh, stop, Jack. Tell me, Dennis, when is the wedding? In a couple of months. Everybody's going to be invited. It's going to be a big wedding with ushers and bridesmaids and everything. Who's going to be the best man? My mother. Hot girl, didn't it? Wasn't I right? But I wouldn't listen to it, would I? You better go. Yeah, OK. Goodbye. Just can't figure that kid out. Ireland itself is such a lovely place. I don't know why I invited him to my party anyway. Oh, by the way, Jack, why wasn't Bob Crosby here last night? Oh, Bob, oh, he's making a personal appearance at the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas. Gee, I hope he calls me. Why? I gave him a quarter to put in the slot machine for him. I'll probably hear from him, you know. Oh, Mr. Benny. Yes, Rochester? There was a phone call for you while you were outside. Who was it, Bob? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Crosby? Bob? No, no, no, no. Was it Bob, Bob, Bob? Bob Crosby, Bob? Oh, Mr. Wilson. Oh, Wilson. He wants you to call him right back. He's in Studio A at CBS. OK, I will. Excuse me, Mary. So what if I lose the quarter? Who cares? Hello, Gertrude. This is Jack Benny. Will you please ring Studio A for me? It's busy right now. Will you hold on? OK. Same able. What is it, Gaytude? Is Jack Benny on the line? Yeah, I wonder what the schmo of Kilimanjaro wants. No, Gaytude. I haven't seen Jackie since I was out with him. And Mr. and Mrs. Jimmy Stewart, I knew you'd see. Yeah. I don't know why I took you out instead of me. After all, he knows me longer. Say, that's right. You knew him before you came to CBS, didn't you? Certainly. I met him years ago at Sero's. Sero's? Were you the cigarette girl? No, I was parking cars. Well, you and Jack made a lovely couple new years. Ollie, you should wear your hair loose, hanging down. Not piled up on top of your head. Well, why? Ears, it looks like you're waving at somebody. I remember once at a masquerade party, you painted a face on each of your ears and came as the Andro's sister. Jealous because Jack took me out on New Year's Eve. Why should I be jealous? I was with that big handsome football player. Oh, yeah. You know, Gaytude, I was kind of surprised to find out that he was still in high school. So was I. Uh, he's old enough to go to college, ain't he? He must be. He's got a son at UCLA. Wait a minute, Mr. Benny. I can get your studio A now. Hello? Just a second, Mr. Wilson. Mr. Benny's calling you. Go ahead, Mr. Benny. Hello, Don? Yes, Jack? Don, did you call me before? Yes, I'm here with a sportsman quartet and we're rehearsing a number that might be very good for your television show next Sunday. What'd you say, Don? I said we're rehearsing a number that might be very good on your television show next Sunday. What was that, Don? Hey, fellas, I think the old man's getting a little hard of hearing. I heard that, Don Wilson. And don't call me an old man. Now, what's the name of the number you said would be good on my television show next Sunday? It's Glowworm, Jack. Would you like to hear it? Over the phone? Sure. At least you can get an idea of it. Well, do you have any musical accompaniment there? Yes, Reveley's still on my back. Good. Let's hear the number. Oh, Mr. Benny. What is it, Gertrude? Excuse me for listening in, but our switchboard's so busy. Can't you hear the song some other time? Well, this won't take long. But there's so many calls coming through and we don't have any open lines. Look, this will only take a few seconds. Don, tell the boys I want to hear the number. OK. Take it, fellas. It is calling yonder. Shine, little glowworm. Glimmer, glimmer. Light the path below a ball. And lead us on to luck. A beacon. You are the scope that we've been seeking. Night and day, it's you we're puffing. Only you, because there is nothing. Quite like a lucky, nothing trimmer. Lowly and lucky, glimmer, glimmer. Luckies taste much better, it's true. Yes, lucky's a small for you. LSSL, SSMFTV, LSSL, SSMF-TV. I want to use the phone. LSSL, SSMFTV. Boys, I want to hear the song Mr. Paley was trying to get on the phone. It was the whole clam-bay. Come on, Jack. Let's go. The auction starts at 2.30 sharp. OK. Let's get going. They sure seem to have a load of junk in these auction galleries. Jack, it's not junk. Most of these things are valuable antiques. That's why so many people are here to bid on them. Can I show you folks around? You still have a few minutes before the auction starts. Yes, I wish you would, but... But you don't sound like the type of person I'd expect to find working here. Ah, you all right, lady. See, I'm just here taking my brother's place. See, he's not here on the count of jury, Dory. Oh, your brother's on a jury? No, the jury did its duty and gave him 20 years. Oh, tell me, Clark, what are all these rings in this glass case? Oh, them rings? Well, they all figured in great romances in history. You see, the one at the center is the ring Mark Antley gave to Cleopatra when he got engaged. Well, that's Latin. It says, Hark, Victor, Semper, Novidium. What, uh, what does... What does it mean in English? Oh, you kid. Ah, I should imagine that. This peculiar-looking thing. Oh, that's a very interesting piece of art. It's an umbrella stand made out of an elephant's leg. Well, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of. Who in the world would want an elephant leg? A tree-legged elephant. I'm waiting for it today, an elephant leg. That's without a doubt the most useless thing I ever heard of. Attention, please. Attention. Will you all please find seats? The auction is about to begin. Uh, let's sit here, Jack. Okay. Now, the first item on the agenda is this unique umbrella stand made out of the leg of the favorite elephant of the Maharaja of Suti Juldi. Now, who will open the bidding on this priceless curio? A bit of $100. Mary, did you hear that? How could anyone, how could anyone bid $100 on that piece of junk? Jack, you don't like it, but some people do. Now, keep quiet. I have $100. Do I hear more? $110. $110? That's stupid. All right, all right. By the way, Jack, I meant to tell you, I ran into Bob Hope last night. $110. $110. $110. $110. Do I hear more? Bob Hope? How is it? Fine, but he seemed a little upset that you hadn't sent him his check for appearing on your program last week. But, Mary... $110. $110. Do I hear more? $150. But, Mary, I wasn't supposed to pay hope for appearing on my show. $115 is bid. $115 is bid. Do I hear more? $120. Well, Jack, Bob didn't understand it that way. He thought he was going to get paid his regular guest fee for going on your show. I'm bid $120 for this elephant's leg. $120. $120. Do I hear more? Well, Mary, what is Bob Hope's regular guest fee anyway? $5,000. $5,000. So, to the man who sets this up! Congratulations, sir. Here's your elephant leg. Check, please. Me? I didn't bid on that. I wouldn't pay $5,000 for an elephant's leg, would I, Mary? You wouldn't pay $5,000 for your own leg. Jack will be back in just a moment. But first, a word to cigarette smokers. Nothing, no nothing, beats better taste. And remember... Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky's strike means, find tobacco richer tasting. Find tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's strike. Lucky's strike. Friends, it stands to reason. The cigarette for you to smoke is the one that tastes better. Because when all is said and done, nothing, no nothing, beats better taste. And Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, and smoother. You'll agree once you try them. And here's why. Lucky's better taste really begins with fine tobacco. Most anyone can tell you, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky's strike means fine tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco with a wonderful aroma and even better taste. And Lucky's also taste better because they're made better. They're round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother smoke. So get the better taste that fine tobacco and a better-made cigarette can give. When you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of Lucky's strike. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. What's that you're carrying? An elephant leg. I got stuck with it at the auction. Finally have to argue and I had to give the man $130 for it. Here. Boss, what do you want me to do with it? Put it on and kick me. Good night, folks, not so soon. Jack, many programs brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Stay tuned for the Amos and Andes show, which follows immediately on the CBS Radio Network.