 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today, our topic, how men fall in love different from women. All right, really quickly, before we get started, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit that subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two is in your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectation. And one more thing, my channel is for those who are seeking partnership and relationship, not those that are seeking casual relationships, situations, friends with benefits, or any-ish type of relationship. So let's jump into how men, or men fall in love different from women. Now let me tell you where this broadcast was birthed from. I was reading an article about how men and women fall in love differently. So I'm gonna share what was shared in the article. I don't have the article listed for me, I just jotted some notes from it, so I apologize for that. But I wanna make an observation, and this is primarily because my channel is for women, helping them understand men, how to improve their relationship lives. And so while what I'm about to share may be directed from the perspective of looking at women and men, what I'm about to share goes both ways. This isn't single, what I'm about to share about women and men can go the other way around men with women, okay? So I just want that to be clear. One thing I've noticed though, because my channel is probably 90% viewed by women is I read comment after comment after comment, not all at the same time, of women who are in completely unhealthy relationships, dysfunctional relationships, and they stay in these unhealthy dysfunctional relationships, calling it love. And I think to myself, why does this happen? Why would a person, man or woman, stay in an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship and call that love? And I think it's because I think very few humans actually understand what really is love versus what's also known as attachment, attachment. So if you're not familiar with the book, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend checking this out. This will talk to you about what's known as love attachment styles, love attachment styles. And it goes into how we actually attach to another human being and not necessarily love another human being. Now, the other book you may wanna check out is called Getting the Love You Want by Harbell Hendricks and Helen Hunt. This talks about the amago. This talks about how we get attached to people who are similar to one or both of our parents. And what that means to say is this happens to most everybody, yourself included, is we oftentimes choose partners that are similar in personality or actually opposite of the personality of one or both of our parents because we're actually seeking, the little child inside of us is actually seeking approval from our parent but we choose partners to reenact this scenario that didn't happen in our childhood. And quite frankly, you could have had an extraordinary childhood and still experienced this or you could have had a rather traumatic and dysfunctional childhood and experienced this as well. And what happens oftentimes is people call this love, they call this love when they're actually literally reliving a childhood trauma with some person in their life. And I'm just gonna make an observation about women in particular only because I talk to women far more than I talk to men per se, is women oftentimes operate from a place of what I call martyrdom, martyrdom. In other words, they gave, they gave, they gave so much, they gave so much to the relationship, they gave so much in a unhealthy dysfunctional relationship, they gave so much and then they act like they're the martyr when the relationship is over. Like in other words, they suffered, they endured all this pain. And that's a very, quite frankly, that's a very narcissistic selfish approach to love because love doesn't operate that way. Love operates from a place of what can I give instead of what can I get? In fact, I Googled the difference between attachment and love, and I just wanna read this to you. You're more than welcome to Google this yourself. You could type in attachment versus love but these were the two things that came up. One is love evokes fond feelings and actions towards the other person particularly. Attachment is driven by how you feel about yourself with the degree of permanence and safety someone gives you based on past relationships. In other words, with love, your person is the one you have feelings for. I don't know about that last part. And then secondly, it says, the major difference between love and attachment is love is a feeling directed towards the other person while attachment is a self-centered meaning based on fulfilling one's own needs. And I'm not surprised at this because here in the United States we are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. We literally are suckling on that nipple. And so I'm here to draw attention to this because first off, okay, I'm yelling. I'm gonna chill out. First off, we actually have to learn to love ourselves to learn our love to learn to love ourselves. And I learned this the hard way after my son passed away those who've been following my channel know my son passed away. There's a picture of Connor there, there. That's with me and my son Colin. And I actually two months after he passed away I began writing a book about self love called what the heck is self love anyway which is a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work. It's a very tame entry point into learning how to love oneself. By the way, there's a link below to Jonathan recommends books or you can check out selflovethebook.com. Why am I suggesting this? Folks, we can't really genuinely love another person until we actually start learning to love on ourselves. And I don't mean, you know, getting manicures and pedicures and facials and massages that's self care, that's part of a self love regiment. I'm talking about that place of loving one ourselves so we don't need to become from a dependent place to love another human being. And sadly, here in the United States in particular we are very codependent or maybe even for some people codependent other people counter dependent counter dependent people are oftentimes avoidant attachment styles. Codependent people tend to be anxious attachment styles. Coming back to the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Let me repeat that. Codependent people tend to be more anxious counter dependent people tend to be more avoidant and secure people tend to be interdependent. In other words, you're not dependent upon the other person nor are you afraid of love. You actually work as a team, a partnership. So I wanna read this article to you. Some of the examples list in the article and I wanna give you my perception on it and see how you feel about this, okay? So let me put on my trusty glasses, pull out my notes. So number one, it says men might experience feelings of love faster. Men might experience feelings of love faster. I don't agree with that. Well, let me reframe that. I think women may get attached to men much faster, believing that is love. I'm gonna repeat that. I do believe women get attached to men, partially because the minute you have sex with a man, a chemical is released in your body known as oxytocin and that's a bonding chemical that bonds you to a man. And oftentimes that's perceived as love and I don't actually believe that attachment is true and genuine love. First off, folks, when I say the word I love you, this is what it means to me. I'm here, you matter, we are important. I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you, I'm here, I'm present. You matter, that's saying that you aren't just as important as I am. We are important, that means the relationship is a separate entity. I've got your back, that means I'm gonna be there through you thick and thin. I'm not going anywhere, I'm committed to this relationship and I only want you, means I only wanna fuck your brains out, not everyone else that comes across my path. That to me in romantic relationship is genuine love or at least a good starting point. So do men fall in love faster? I don't believe so. I think women get attached faster, I think men might experience lust faster, but let's keep going down this list and see what happens. Number two, men say I love you first. Now that I tend to agree with, I think women are far more afraid to say I love you to a man because they're afraid it's gonna make the man run away. I do believe that to be the case. I think women oftentimes stifle their boys, which is such irony because you ladies always talk about how important it is to communicate and communicate and communicate and yes, so many of you have duct tape over your mouth when it comes to communication. And again, this isn't being, I know this might sound like I'm being mean, but this is just my observation on what I've observed over the last decade and a half of being a dating relationship coach. Many of you are afraid to say things. So I do believe men say I love you first because women are waiting for some level of confirmation before they're gonna say it to their partner. Now, is this a good or bad thing? I'm not here to judge that as a good or bad. I'm just sharing my opinion based on this article. Number three, it says women might say I love you more often than men. Now that I tend to agree with as well. Not always, but most of the time. Now, I probably should pause here for a second because my belief system is that the majority of men and women are in dysfunctional relationships. Most men and women are in dysfunctional relationship because most human beings have terrible emotional maturity and relationship skills. And if you're not familiar with my chart, emotional maturity relationship skills, I believe 20% of the population has clinical issues. I mean, they're really fucked up. They can be in relationship, but it makes it very difficult for them. And while I say over here 20% are healthy and being generous there, I believe the vast majority of humans are dysfunctional. By the way, this is not a fact. This is an opinion, dysfunctional. So a lot of what I'm sharing here comes from a level of built in dysfunctionality. So why women might say I love you more, it's because they might be needing more validation because they don't feel safe in the relationship. And yet a healthy, happy relationship should be a nice ping pong table of I love you. Oh no, I love you. No, I love you. No, I love you. It should be a nice dance of being able to say those words relatively mutual to one another. I am blessed to be part of a community of friends. I would say there's roughly over a hundred, I call it my spiritual circle. They're just a group of friends that I've met over the years. It's kind of a community of friends. Roughly, I believe there's 40 to 42 couples in this group. That means there's 84 people that are in relationship. And these are men and women to me that are my role models. These are the people that demonstrate not only many, some of them met online, some of them met out in real life, some have been married for more than 20 years, some are newly married, some are newly in relationship. And what I observed and what gives me so much hope is I witnessed men and women with healthy communication with one another. And I know this because I've done workshops with almost everybody in this group. We do workshops together on a regular basis, personal development workshops, and I witnessed men who are absolutely capable of leaning into love. So I'm here to say it is absolutely possible as much as it's a shit show out there from a dating, mating or relating realm. And yet there are people, genuinely good hearted people falling in love regularly because they have done the work, they've done the healing. They've at least done some introspective work and some healing. This is why I continually recommend the book The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process to do a deep dive in childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that help prepare you so you can be in a healthy, happy relationship. By the way, of this group, I think over a dozen people of that circle of 100 have done the Hoffman process. They've done landmark, they've done insight seminars, they've done asked just to name a few, even onsite insight, there's a lot of different personal development workshops, Abraham Hicks, Wayne Dyer, just to name, I've named quite a few now, because these people recognize the importance of loving on oneself to actually be able to love their partner. And these couples also do couples workshop. They're part of a God and Goddess group. They're part of an Eden group. A lot of people that are saying, let's work on co-creating a relationship, co-creating a relationship. If you're not familiar with the book by Gary Zukoff called Spiritual Partnership, Spiritual Partnership, I highly recommend checking this out. By the way, the link below to Jonathan recommend books. Folks, if you wanna be in a healthy, happy relationship, it's time to co-create a healthy, happy relationship. But Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship. I don't know how to do that. Yeah, it's gonna be hard in a long distance relationship. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit back in my feminine energy and let the men do all the work. Yeah, dysfunctional men will do dysfunctional things and you're following along with the dysfunctional fallacy fantasy and all this. Folks, I'm here to be your wake-up call. That's why I yell so much. I'm shaking the camera right now. I'm not actually, no, I'm shaking the camera to be your wake-up call. That's why I yell so much because you got, listen, you can get busy living or you can get busy dying. And all I do is recommend great books to prepare you for a juicy, delicious, healthy relationship. Are you willing to do the work? Give me a thumbs up. Give me an amen in the box right now. Ah, I get so riled up. All right, number four, women may be more skeptical of men's commitment. Women may be more skeptical of men's commitment. I totally believe that's true. I think women are so fearful that men won't commit because most of you are entering into casual relationships. The penis gets to go inside the vagina before you ever really know something about a man because these days we're meeting total strangers and when they say, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, you ladies are just giving it fucking away. I say this over and over again before the penis gets to go inside your vagina. Read this book, Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. You should be vetting this guy for commitment. But Jonathan, he just says he doesn't want anything serious. Well, then guess what? You're gonna be skeptical of the guy. And how happy do you feel when you feel skeptical? It sucks. So start putting the odds in your favor. In fact, my coaching program, by the way, there's a link below to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you, is all designed to teach you how to ask the right questions based on your individual personality. You work directly with me to formulate those questions so you avoid the wrong people and you actually become a magnetic attractor for a guy like in my circle of friends that I just talked about. All right, the camera's a little off here. Number five, men are more likely to feel like their love isn't reciprocated. Yes, men oftentimes, they're biggest complaint after a divorce is they feel unappreciated in the relationship. I'm gonna repeat that, they feel unappreciated in the relationship. That's the common complaint by men. By the way, women you have your own, by the way, men are just as much jackasses as women are no picnic out there. Let me just repeat that. Men are jackasses, women are no picnic because dysfunctional human beings are out in the world mating with each other, which is really just spending time with each other and they're not actually co-creating a relationship because the bullshit narratives you're being sold out there. Why have to be sitting my feminine and be claimed? How well does that work? Yes, it works one out of, it's like a broken clock syndrome. You're hearing advice from people who got married at age like babies who got married, not us midlife folk. And yes, they're the exception, not the rule. And then they're giving advice like it's the rule, that's bullshit. Number six, women are more likely to focus their love. I didn't know what that meant, but what I think is they oftentimes, remember I talked about martyrdom, but you hyper focus on how much you're giving and not whether or not you're actually in a co-creative given receive type of relationship. I'm gonna repeat that you're often in a giving, giving, giving and then you're complaining that it's not a balanced relationship. That's on you, it's not on the guy. Choose a guy. Listen, you all whine and complain about communication. Yet you're terrible at communication. You should be reading the book, two books, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. And you should be reading, and I say should, I hear you, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. These are the books you should be reading so you can learn how to actually communicate with someone. Ladies, just because you have a propensity to vomit your feelings doesn't necessarily mean you're good at sharing your feelings. And listen, if you want, it's gonna take you to extract it from the guy. We weren't trained at expressing our feelings and yet you can be great vehicles to make that happen. You can be, I mean, you actually have the power to create an awesome relationship. Just don't give in the sex right off the bat and don't hyper focus on chemistry and romance as the indicator of relationship success. If you're not familiar with my relationship, Iceberg, this is a nice chart made by Georgie. The tip of the iceberg is chemistry. That's where we notice attraction, but real love happens in shared values, blendable lifestyle and emotional maturity because that's where compatibility comes in. But too many of you are hyper focused on who pays for the date. You're hyper, I mean, I did a post on this the other day and I can't believe some of the comments I heard. By the way, I'm really actually impressed with a lot of the comments, but by the way, the video is called man humbles room full of women. But who pays for a date is not the indicator of relationship success. Let me repeat that. By the way, a man doesn't become the provider protector until he actually chooses you. And I'm not saying choosing you to fuck you because men will choose women to fuck.