 Welcome back to the 21 convention 2019 of Orlando, Florida our next speaker. There's been a long time coming He's been recommended over and over again by some of our top alumni speakers like AJ Cortez and Adelaide Moore and Tanner Guzzi and more He is also the world's most controversial and the man is fear is most controversial dating coach Without further ado, please. I'll be welcome Pat Statman to the 21 convention stage We're gonna talk about that controversy a little bit later on in the talk, but First I wanted to introduce myself and how I got into this corner of the internet Like many of you it began with a breakup So spring of 2008 my girlfriend of many years high school girlfriend broke up with me and I was devastated. I didn't know how I got her to be honest She was a very attractive girl. She had pursued me and when it was over. I felt as if My entire history with girls was going to be over certainly with attractive girls Is that summer? I was like, I mean, I was just kind of in like a hopeless situation and I was taking some summer classes and I was walking down the street past the campus book store and I saw this book in the window You guys can guess what the book was, right? The game Now this book for me was a little bit interesting because months earlier. I had been just in the cafeteria I've been reading a book review and like the campus newspaper this girl. She was so pissed off about this book She was like, well, you know, this is this is completely ridiculous There's no way this stuff works if it did work like the girls or something was really messed up with them And I was reading this then I was still in the relationship at that point and I just remember thinking like well She's so upset There must be some truth to it And so when I saw that book I did a double take and decided to go get it and it changed my life Now Neil Strauss is a great writer. So it's easy to read and the material in it was very interesting, right? It gives a good foundational Idea of how attraction works, but the real thing about that book that changed my life was the fact that It showed me that I could change who I was I could change my behavior I could be a different guy. I didn't have to be a guy who is constantly being Having having to to be at other people's schedule, right? If there's an attractive girl I could talk to her I could make something happen And it was that mindset that that changed my life. And so I won't go through all the different Places that I explored during that journey that would be a very long talk Some very skeevy pickup sites one of the companies that really gave me a lot of perspective though as a social man and To 21 alumni 21 convention alumni Christian Hudson Nick Sparks. I trained under Nick Sparks in particular and His way of attraction really vibed with me because he understood game But there was other things that he understood too about being an authentic man and So when I was ready to leave my corporate job and I was in his alumni group And I had been doing a lot of stuff answering questions for other alumni. I didn't know what I wanted to do I was considering starting a cookie business with some friends which very good thing that didn't happen They encouraged me to become a coach because they said you're already been helping us like one why not do it professionally? And it was very strange for me at the time to think that the student could become the teacher But that took me out on this journey now the stuff that I had learned from Nick About authenticity it kind of got me down this other direction. So I started to go a little bit new age I was very curious about how deep could I go down that that rabbit hole of trying to explore yourself and figure it out And I learned some interesting things from them I thought that maybe they had the truth But when I spent a lot of time with them out in California I found out that that wasn't the case they had they knew some things but a lot of the people there They didn't understand sexual dynamics They understand themselves in a certain way because they were very depolarized and the guys who? Clearly had some degree of game were cleaning up with all the women were the guys who were exploring their feelings and sharing them weren't doing so well So I was trying to figure this out And so when I you know around 2016 2017 when I entered on to Twitter into the manasphere I kind of came back to my roots. I saw a lot had changed a little bit different than the the early years of pickup You had now people talking a lot more about macro level sexual dynamics rather than just game It was very interesting to me And so my whole idea at this time was trying to reconcile these different fields together What is the idea, you know, you have people who are all about game They think that game is the way that you attract women others. It's about authenticity others. It's about looks How does this all fit together? And so I started to ask some questions taking some of the new information. I had been learning in the manasphere and I found very quickly that for some people Asking questions was not something you were allowed to do And so very quickly I got the moniker purple pill Honestly, I don't know what the fuck that means It reminds me of a time when like I was that I almost got into a fight with this British guy in Krakow And he called me a muppet. It's like It's like laughed at him like a muppet. I'm not into all this pill stuff. I'm just a guy Who thinks? Who tries to figure stuff out who's looking for the truth and the truth is a never-ending process It's a never-ending dialogue The only real red pill is that there's another red pill And if you ever get comfortable in your assumptions That's when you start to get stuck and so as a man I want you guys to remember this before we go into the bulk of the presentation Which is the framework that I created just that this is my framework. I developed it From thinking about attraction from all sorts of different fields But just because I made up this framework. It doesn't mean that you guys have to follow it think for yourselves I am not the arbiter of your truth No one is and if someone says that they are they're an ideologue and they're very afraid of learning anything else so this framework is known as the three pillars of attraction and I know people are using pillars a lot but I've been using pillars for a long time. So this is you know, I can't I can't change it The first pillar of attraction This marker is kind of crappy first pillar of attraction is Pre-selection now pre-selection what is pre-selection and by the way guys I'm sorry about using the whiteboard, but when I left corporate I was like I'm never fucking using PowerPoint again. I just I hate PowerPoint so much So just gonna have to deal with it Pre-selection is your marketing It's also your passive framing and what does that mean? Well, if it's your marketing it means it's responsible for generating leads Because it's passive framing. It's the things that women see about you before you say or do anything at all Very very powerful stuff pre-selection Pre-selection can be divided into two different sections more or less You have aesthetics and you have status so as part of aesthetics You have things that are unfortunately not in your control for the most part, which is Your your bone structure. How does your face look your height? But you have things also that you can very very much control and I don't have to belabor this Every guy has been talking about the importance of it if you don't get it by the end of this conference You're never gonna fucking get it. You need to lift weights. You need to get in shape Aim for a body fat percentage between 10 to 15 percent If you're above 15 percent, you're not optimized if you're above 20 percent. You're overweight under 10 percent if you want to do it for yourself go ahead, but you're more likely to attract dudes than girls so Take that into consideration Grooming matters talk to George Bruno about that Style matters talk to Tanner Guzzi about that all of these things are What a woman sees about you at first and it gets her interested in you Makes her start to think who is this guy? He's attractive, right? He's attractive, but it's just the marketing just getting her attention Thank You Anthony the second part of pre-selection Is the status the status can be broken down into three main categories That's much better money Money is more of a comfort creator than a desire creator. It's part of attraction But the main thing about about money is that well first it sub communicates perhaps that there's more to you Because you have this money, right? So maybe you're an aggressive guy So there's all sorts of other subtle signifiers that money has But the real value of money is that it's an amplifier and it allows you to do all sorts of stuff with the girl So, you know, if you don't have any cash, okay, maybe you're a charming guy Maybe you're a good-looking guy and that stuff will work in your in your early 20s, right? You can take a girl out to like get fast food or something like that But especially as time goes on you don't get that pass as you get into your 30s having money becomes Something that's expected and in your 40s beyond it's it's frankly Unacceptable to not have it to not have yourself figured out because it communicates also are you somebody that she can respect? Can you provide for yourself? So money is very powerful in that sense and girls are going to be interested in you if you have money now The caliber of the girls some of their question Because you're leading with something that they might want to take from you And so you have to be very careful if you're leading with it, but there's no question that money is A marketing campaign for you It draws attention to you Then you have fame Fame in contrast the money is pure desire Now well, how do you get fame a talent or skill and you're good at it and you can perform with it So and I want to you guys to keep in mind with this a lot of people think fame like oh I'm not like a famous person. I'm not some you know, super big artist or some big, you know singer or whatever All of this stuff is relative Okay, so if you're in a room filled with a lot of attractive people you being attractive, okay? You're at neutral right now because everybody's pre-selection is the same so you don't stand out and So the same thing works the other direction So if you're a guy who's playing you know the guitar at the coffee shop, right? You have high fame in that environment people are paying attention to you a lot of guys have gotten late at parties Because they bring a fucking guitar and they're like do like play like same fucking five chords over and over again Girls dig it because girls want attention right girls want attention. It's their currency and so fame Has everybody's attention and so you the value of your attention is amplified because of everybody else looking at you And then you have popularity Popularity is a mix of both Popularity is something I work on a lot with clients. I'm a big fan of social circle game It's extremely powerful in my opinion It also has a lot of compound effects for your life because you have more people that you know When you're a popular guy you host parties, right? You bring people together You're a leader and you're a networker and so people want to be people want to be around you. They want to talk to you And if a girl sees that She's gonna want to talk to you too. You host a party with even just 30 people, right? And a girl brings her friends there Her friends are gonna see you and they're gonna your pre-selection is gonna be through the roof it's a very very powerful and It's it's useful because you just also have a huge much more network and people will come to you So that's pre-selection All things that work passively to set the frame that you are a valuable guy But it's only the first pillar Second pillar is persona persona is your sales Persona is what a lot of people will refer to as game Although it's a little bit more than that. So it's your sales And it's your active framing. So pre-selection works passively in the background persona You have to do something to create the same effects So with persona there are two main things that you have to understand to be good at it The first is awareness and discernment So think of yourself as if you're an infantry captain and you have to assault Let's say across the river, you know, but you know, there's an enemy over there But you don't know what's over there The first thing you have to do if you're a commander worth anything is gather recon get intel If you don't have any idea of what's going on anything that you do is gonna be bad You're you're like you're really making a big big risk for your men if you do that and the same thing is true with game You need to have an awareness of what's going on the situation So being able to read social dynamics being able to understand a woman's sexual strategy But also being able to understand psychology, right? Hypergamy plays a role in here because hypergamy is a woman's sexual strategy. So to speak But it's also the female shadow. So it's part of a woman. But what else is going on in that woman's life? Is she a confident woman does she have low self-esteem? What's going on in the social dynamics? How do the people know each other? How is she feeling and why might she be feeling that way? There's a lot more things you have to pay attention to if you want to get good at this because the second part of persona is your tactics Now I'm not going to go into all the specific tactics. There's like Well over a decade of people million blogs people Compiling them and it's great. I mean I encourage you to research them on their on your own This isn't a tactical speech, right? It's a big picture overview But to give you some general principles of how the tactics work with what the what's going on basically with it Is you have push-pull? Now push-pull is important for a couple of reasons because push-pull creates contrast That's the first thing and so contrast creates mystery. You have Jack Donovan, right Jack guy a lot of tattoos Maybe a little a little scary in a good way to a girl She sees that he's spending time with his niece. I don't know if he has a niece, but She sees like a picture of him. Oh, yeah, or they're on a date He's like, yeah, you know I like to go out and you know take my niece out places It's really like we have a really close relationship Creates a lot of contrast right there And that's not exactly what I'm talking about with like the push-pull There's some tactics that do it together Classically in game. You're going to be pushing forward making assumptions teasing challenging and Then pulling a little bit more which is compliments Vibing trying to connect with her And you're going to do that back and forth throughout the interaction Now the other part of push-pull is tension resolution the push is creating the tension the pull Creates the resolution and that actually ends up creating more tension on a macro level Because when you're creating small amounts of tension and you pulled away There's a higher level of tension throughout the entire interaction Very very powerful to understand this because Tension is the lifeblood of a type of attraction in the problem I see 90% easily of guys who are like I can't do well with women. They can't handle tension If you can't handle tension, you're not going to be able to approach because approaching is tension. You can't handle tension You're not going to be able to get the number. You're not going to be able to get physical Everything that's scary is tension, but if you can ground it Then you can move it forward because remember that she's feeling the tension when you feel the tension now Persona and pre-selection have an interesting relationship One's passive one's active So how do you calibrate? Well, you have to pay attention to both of these and I can tell you that this is one of the big things That's overlooked. I was working with one client. He was a just come back from some pickup boot camps and He was having some trouble He's very surprised. He's like, yeah, I was going out the bars using all this stuff. I learned That's and there were girls there They're like give me eyes and whatnot and I go and talk to them and then things would just fall apart I'm like, hmm. Well, maybe he's not you know, maybe he's not creating tension. What's going on? So I asked more questions. I'm always asking questions trying to figure out what's happening So I'm having him describe himself. He's a good-looking guy Good-looking guy very successful pretty confident What these pickup guys had him doing they had him going up to these girls who were giving him eyes and he was negating them Now, how do you think that's going to go over for a girl? Who at that moment is? Interested in you and it's maybe thinking a little bit more submissively that maybe her value is a little bit lower than him It's going to do two things. It's either going to Subcommunicate that he's actually full of shit Because he's this guy who looks so successful but has to overcompensate Or it's going to just hurt her feelings and she's going to slink away Pre-selection and persona are an axis together and if you have high pre-selection You want to tone back your pushing So guys who have who are who are in really great shape. They have their pre-selection together You always want to push pull I don't want anybody here to misconstrue this but the proportion is going to be a lot less You're going to probably want to approach a girl with a compliment Whereas a guy who doesn't have the push pull as much Rather who doesn't have the pre-selection as much Is going to have to push a lot more. It's going to have to maybe challenge and nag or tease Because what happens is that that guy When he's going up to a beautiful woman the beautiful woman assumes his value is lower And he has to challenge her frame he has to do that actively think about it in a macro sense If you have a really good marketing campaign on a sales call People are coming in pretty much ready to buy and so bad salesmanship is overselling It's talking too much. It's just like lead them lead them where they have to go Whereas if you don't have a marketing campaign at all You're cold calling and you better believe there's going to be a lot of resistance So this is one of the reasons why I really encourage you as you work on your persona to work on your pre-selection as well Because pre-selection is like it's just passive income, right? It works so Effortlessly for you once you put the work in can take time to build but the rewards are great in The game is always useful to know but you know some guys relish in it Like I I'm I have nothing but respect for the day gamers who go out there and cold approach cold approach But it's a very specific skill set and if that's not you you don't have to do that Don't feel like you have to do that. There's other ways. You don't have to over complicate this to get women So those are the first two pillars of attraction But there's a third You have your marketing you have your sales What are you selling? What's your product? It's your personality And this is something that has been Mostly My opinion ignored Too much recently who you are is extremely important to attracting women You can you can look good. You can have great game But what are you gonna get? If the product sucks Great marketing campaign great sales you'll make a lot of sales and you'll have a lot of churn a lot of very unhappy customers You've got a piece of shit And I see that all the time Now personality has two facets to it subjective value and objective value subjective value You are who you are And you can't change You came here you have your psyche you have your soul There is nothing that you can do about shifting that You came to this earth as a product. You're a car You have to sell to people who want cars That other guy, maybe he's an airplane different market You try to sell yourself as him You're not going to get very far Put a bunch of like cardboard things on the end of the cardboard wings on your car like oh, yeah, it's a plane Yeah, you should get it get in it try it. It's good. It flies You can maybe fool him a little bit and there are some girls right and this is where persona can become very valuable Who don't actually know exactly what they want They don't know whether they want a car or plane. They're in the middle and all your passive and active framing can shift their perspective Yeah, maybe that is what I wanted But there are some girls who are never going to buy what you're selling It doesn't matter if you're a billionaire It doesn't matter if you're handsome some of them won't even hook up with you And I know that people here don't want to believe that but it's true There is a connection that can exist between people that is very very hard to describe And you have to accept that it's real we're not going to explore it. It's too esoteric, but it exists and just know that it exists, but That's your subjective value. So you have a product But what's the quality of your product? There's an objective value to it too When I was 16, I got my license and I got my grandmother's car It was a 93 Mercury tracer my grandmother didn't trust the government very much So she didn't get anti-lock brakes or airbags on that car If you had it filled up with people it accelerated maybe about 10 miles per hour over 10 seconds It was like a glorified go-kart. I love that car by the way. I love that car But that car sucked. I mean it was a piece of shit, you know, it was a real piece of shit It's the kind of car that like people wouldn't steal You know they'd like break into it and like look for change and then leave it there Even though like be easy to hide like you know easy to hot wire Are you a Mercury tracer or are you Aston Martin? There's a market for cars. What kind of car are you? A lot of you are shitty cars You can become a better car. You can spruce some stuff up. You don't have to be shitty. And so there's two ways To improve your product. I look at it like a tree You have at the bottom Your masculinity the roots you can't find out who you are as a man If you don't know how to be a man and guys who embark on this journey of self-actualization and who ignore the very very crucial steps Of trying to figure out their masculinity It haunts them eventually they have they have to go back to it or they never get there It's part of who you are now the journey to becoming a man is not exactly the same as the journey to becoming yourself There are two different things clearing up internal dissonance Reconciling your conscious and unconscious mind shadow work stuff. I do with clients all the time to great effect these are things that improve the quality of your product because What happens is that you actually start to like yourself more start to love yourself more A lot of you have downloaded programming about yourself. It's gonna be a shitty tree A lot of you have downloaded programming about yourself that is very very negative You treat yourself like shit and a lot of masculine guys treat themselves like shit, too Constantly telling themselves that they're not good enough You have to have compassion for yourself You have to stop internalizing that critical voice A lot of this has to do with your relationship with your parents, which unfortunately I'll have an hour so I can't go into that too much, but it's very very important And all this stuff works to improve the quality of the product integration and masculinity These two things will turn you into One of the most valuable men internally with one of the most unshakable frames that you could possibly imagine Because personality is your core frame It's where everything else comes from your ability to maintain eye contact with a girl to be able to literally dominate her with your eyes That comes from your core frame So how does this pit? How does this piece together? How does your personality and your persona? How does that work together? Well a lot of guys don't want to work on this Because you know what? It's a lot fucking easier to learn a couple of tricks and techniques It's a lot easier than they have to address shit from your childhood They have to address the fact that you have a terrible relationship with your father It's a lot more difficult takes a lot more time a guy who's got this stuff mostly figured out But doesn't understand game It's fast can do that in three months. I can do that maybe in half of that time period But a guy who has this stuff messed up Takes at least months if not years really and it's always a constant process When I started this journey, I had such severe social anxiety that if I went to a party with people I didn't know I'd have a panic attack in 30 minutes I'd have to go back to my room and like write myself letters trying to get my mind from going crazy on itself I had a lot of bullshit and There's still some left Still a little bit left But I've done a pretty good job at working at it chipping it away little by little peeling back the layers of the onion So guys though who don't want to do this they're gonna adopt the fake persona They're gonna try to have their persona compensate for the weak personality. This is the fool's errands Because you'll hook up with girls from it But you'll feel worse and worse about yourself and I did this I had a psychological breakdown because I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. I was just regurgitating stuff Didn't feel good and when I stopped doing that and started to be a little bit more aligned My results tripled and I felt a lot better. So I don't recommend doing it. It's cheap now This is a very important concept as well and it's the relationship between Persona and personality when it comes to the decisions that you make a Lot of guys myself included especially even in my early career of doing this Are very very focused on tactics They want to know how to okay girl does this I Know how to do this I can I can turn the script in my favor It reminds me of this story story, it's history Hannibal of Carthage during the Second Punic Wars and History buffs if I apologize if I get a few details wrong here But the Romans basically at this point in the war had controlled the seeds They didn't think that Hannibal could get to Italy During the winter, but he did he crossed the Alps very very difficult place to cross in Liguria and Provence and kind of modern-day southwestern Italy and southeastern France And he got into Italy and then the Romans were freaking out so they raised four lesions immediately to try to deal with him and he completely messed with with the Romans He knew that the that the consul who was commanding the lesions was a very very in pest in What's the word? I'm looking for Impulsive guy right he had a he had a fiery temper you get him angry and he'd make impulsive decisions so first What Hannibal did was he maneuvered himself tried to make the Romans attack him But then he maneuvered himself they wouldn't do it And so he maneuvered himself between Rome and so now the Roman lesions were like crap Hannibal is closer to the Rome than we are And then he basically set up a trap one of the first record examples of a pincer movement He lured the Romans in and annihilated the entire army Four lesions 30,000 men a consul dead Rome completely undefended That should have been the end of the Punic Wars Hannibal should have marched on Rome And then Carthage would have been the world power in the Mediterranean not Rome But Hannibal didn't do that Hannibal was a great tactician, but he didn't have a strategic. He wasn't thinking strategically So he dithered He hung around the countryside took it easy other Romans don't you know we'll win this one no big deal And so eventually the Romans were like well, we're not going to beat Hannibal So we're going to go attack Carthage And then Hannibal had to go back to Carthage and try to protect Carthage, and he failed to do so That was the battle of Zama That was actually anniversary October 18th just a couple days ago Tactics versus strategy if you think tactically you're gonna end up being a bitch Guys who think tactically are very very good with game, but they put women on a pedestal. They put pussy on a pedestal They want to hook up with a girl so badly that they give up the strategic imperative Which is their self-respect? I want you guys to remember that It's not about you might know what to do to kind of get a girl to respond to your texts Right, I wrote a book on texting tackling texting. It's very very tactical But there's also strategic aspects here, which is that don't go after it if it's going to humiliate you It's going to demean you It's not worth it even if you get it. It's not worth it. It's never worth it That affects your core confidence Where does all this lead us? You have your pre-selection You have your persona You're getting girls But there's a difference between some guys and others you've heard a lot here about the sexual marketplace a lot of very sometimes dismal things about it, but there's not one sexual marketplace There's two and the one down here is where a lot of the misery peddlers In the radical red pill or whatever you want to call it Lurk and the rules are different If you're selling a piece of shit thing made in China You're gonna have bad customers customers who don't value the product They don't want to buy it again. They don't care about brand loyalty If you have a quality product people treat it differently. They think about it differently People are in business understand this if you want to have a good time in business Sell a premium high quality product people love it You make good margins A lot of people though, they want to chase the quick buck In the insecure market People are chasing external validation. They have no internal validation They don't love themselves. They don't respect themselves. And so they look elsewhere for it People who have developed that internal validation very very different They look for people who also have internal validation and that they come together Not because they need each other, but because they make each other's lives better And when you're in the secure marketplace, if you play games You're not gonna get those girls Those girls can see right through you And it's just because and there are people out there and they talk about it They talk about it all the time What they want you to be is avoidant This is attachment, right? Emotional attachment Emotional attachment as opposed to anxious And I get it but these are two sides of the same coin okay, an anxious person Is going to chase validation so a lot of Immature girls do this. This is an immature femininity and increasingly a lot of guys do it, right? because there's been due to cultural programming a polarity shift and And so What the I would say these more radical elements of the red pill Push forward is that well, you know, don't be blue pill. Don't be anxious Be red pill be avoidant Now what is avoidance? You get girls to chase you But you never commit keep them at arms length You got the power on the surface But it's a codependent relationship And what happens When you when the plates all fall down? How do you feel about yourself? Most of those guys shatter just like the plates They need to be chased to feel good They don't understand that secure guys don't even think about that shit a secure guy If he wants to date a bunch of girls he can do that If he doesn't he doesn't he does what he wants You don't have to spin plates You have to really ask yourself when you're doing it why you're doing it always ask yourself why Question those assumptions because it's the assumptions that lead you closer to the truth This is an immature form of masculinity. It's not confidence in a lot of girls Pray on it No one talks about everyone talks about guy game. No one talks about girl game. I talk about girl game I talk about girl game girl game is all about oh My god, I need you. I love you. You're the best Want to have sex with you all the time they want to do all these things for you there? They just need they need they need they need and these guys are like. Oh, yeah, she really loves me You know she's all about me. Haha. You know just kind of push her to side She keeps doing it He's like Dude you're spending a little bit more time with her. It's like yeah, you know, we're not serious or anything But you know, it's just like sex is good and she's like, you know really sweet Dude, you guys are like spending all your time together Again to a relationship and then what happens a lot of tests start going up, right a lot of tests and Some guys read it and they're like, okay fuck off some do But a lot then try to negotiate with it because now they're already in they're in the quicksand and Then what happens is the polls flip because in a relationship you can only have one anxious and one avoidant Someone has to chase the other now some relationships. It'll flip a little bit back and forth But what happens with a lot of girls is they'll consume guys like this and so then the girls suddenly She goes from sending you nudes goes from Talking about how you know texting you all the time willing to be with you to not respond to your text all of a sudden. What's going on? hmm curious Then she starts pulling away She looks for another host to feed on and you're left in the dust Reading blogs, right? I do not recommend you date girls like this. Although perhaps you need to to learn if so do what I do with my clients Which is proceed with a ton of awareness about what's actually going on. I have a client like this right now He's got all of the persona all of the pre-selection Personality though not quite built up the core is not quite built up So you got he's got tons of girls, which is why when I hear people are like Oh, this is like some like purple pill kind of thing like guys. Don't do that. It's like You have no fucking idea. Do you you have no fucking idea? Guys can sleep with tons of girls and not be happy and the fact that you think that that's like the end all be all is the ultimate pedestalizing a pussy Your life revolves around it your identity revolves around it. So This is where you want to go and this is where I work with guys to pull them out of here To here because what happens in here is reality This is fantasy Everyone down there because they have no internal validation. They don't have a good relationship with the truth Because they don't have a good relationship with the truth They project all sorts of idealizations on the other person Once you start to get a good relationship with the truth, you can start to move to reality You can start to be honest with yourself about why you're a piece of shit Because a lot of look we all have it man and The only reason most of us have less of it is because we worked on it No one gets through this life unscathed. I say it with love But find out what where you're a piece of shit and work on it be real about it in these kind of relationships You have polarity. You have sexual polarity. It's not the sort of honeymoon phase Ridiculousness that goes on down here But you have masculine feminine polarity, but you also have trust and you have alchemy Because while only a man can teach you to be a man One of the best ways to find out who you are as an individual is to be in a close relationship with a woman Because she will show you all sorts of shit about yourself that you didn't even see you had no idea existed That's the lecture questions. I love questions by the way, so please more the better Pat really cool Can you explain a little bit? I'm having a little bit of trouble understanding the subjective value part I think you mentioned you didn't want to go into it, but you mentioned it was like your soul and It has you have very little control over it Can you maybe give some examples of some traits of subjective value that a guy might have you said? You're born a car and not an airplane so other than like your age and And things like that. I don't think you're talking about that. You're talking about something else that you can't control So you've probably heard people talk about chemistry Right now as we know a lot of what people consider to be chemistry is either fantasy bullshit or it's you know, just well executed game, but There I mean the evidence is just overwhelming. I think most of us if we're being honest with ourselves We know that there's sometimes there's a girl that we would see she's maybe not even exactly our type She's not the hottest girl in the room, but we're very drawn to her for some reason And so there's something that's going on on a very unconscious level between people and it's very you can speculate about what it exactly it is, but it exists and Just as that exists in a very polarized state that like yeah me and this person Really one each other There also exists the opposite Right. There are some people who just you're just not gonna get along with you just don't vibe with it doesn't matter How hot they are that you just hate the girl And and so that's what I mean by subjective value understanding that that You are gonna have distinct connections with people for reasons that are very very difficult to explain There's not necessarily traits around it In other words So you are like you said you it's very esoteric and hard to explain But yeah, really true that you can't do anything about that. I Don't think that you can know I don't I don't I haven't seen any evidence You can I mean, I don't know whether it's some sort of very deep unconscious draw make some people trauma bond with each other Right But that's not quite the same thing. That's more of the fantasy bullshit, right? It's it's very interesting how it works, but I mean You know my wife's an identical twin like I went after my one after my wife very very quickly and not after her twin so Why you know, I don't know There's an amazing framework man. Thanks a lot. Thank you A great lecture thus far. You're definitely right about one thing. No one talks about that girl game I would very much appreciate it and I'm sure the rest of us would if you could talk a little bit more about that Sure so What girls understand is that a guy Wants to feel appreciated right a guy wants to feel like You know guy wants to feel like he is masculine, right? He wants to feel like he is a leader like he is dominant and so what a girl will do to get a guy is She'll play into that fantasy that he has of himself And so she works on his ego So guys who are not down doing a good job of developing their confidence Have a lot more fantasies around this because they haven't they don't necessarily feel if they are that guy And so a girl can play into that and trap them. I see it over and over again I mean, it's one of the most classic things really. It's amazing. It doesn't get talked about more because people like wonder like why they fall for these girls and they get burned and churned and You have to really watch your ego, which is the main thing which is one of the reasons why I'm like Get the fuck out of here like get the fuck out Because your ego is so invested down there and then that makes you vulnerable actually and I don't mean vulnerable and like I'm sharing things about myself because I don't give a fuck. I mean like really vulnerable to all the things that people Black pill about in the man of fear all the divorce rape, etc. That's the kind of stuff that makes you vulnerable Thank you. That was an amazing talk Question you mentioned that having a close intimate relationship with a woman will teach you a lot about yourself Which I totally agree with can you share you said you're married. Would you mind sharing maybe what the You know the last girlfriend or two leading up to your wife What are some of the things that they taught you about yourself? And what kinds of things did you really have to work on our course correct to get to the relationship that you have now? Well, the last girlfriend taught me girl game I'll even tell you for my marriage, that's fine When I first got married I'd you know come out of a stage where I was dating a lot of girls, right? when I decided to go for my wife and She basically taught me that I had all sorts of validation issues because I had all these girlfriends in my life Which played a very important role in my sort of social circle game that I had Cultivated but I didn't realize to what extent those relationships were mostly just bullshit and that I was only friends with those girls Not because I actually was friends with them But because I wanted the validation from them and so she you know shined a light on the fact that You know I had an insecurity right like I was married and yet I was still trying to collect validation from other women instead of generating it internally So that was one one way that it came out because obviously she wasn't happy about it, you know Yep, great talk Something I think is more than a little underrated is Especially a lot of guys who are looking to get into LTRs and maybe you know be married and have a family family one day is You know they all want to learn game when it comes to dating But then they forget to continue to game and attract their wife or their long-term partner Can you talk a little bit more about? How you best go about doing that successfully in your own relationship sure sure Well, it's a it's a constant process right you never stop doing it because you never want to I mean I think that a lot of misconstruing Misconstruences that people have with it So I'm gonna digress a little bit to get to the point so the honeymoon phase right everybody seems to idealize the honeymoon phase when there's this Really high amount of manufactured polarity because both parties are playing roles For each other to give each other the fantasy that they won the problem with that is it doesn't last Right so when we talk about gaming your wife a lot of people are like How do I make it so it was like in the first couple of days? I mean Even secure people have a little bit of this in the beginning and they may not take it too seriously and just enjoy the novelty But it always exists a little bit right So it's to set expectations on a first point that creating polarity in your relationship is Not going to be the same sort of you know game that you experience in the very beginning But you know it's like to talk about some some push-pull stuff right you know I say like oh like your your ass looks great Did you put on a couple of pounds right? It's like a like a you know tease and a compliment at the same time Right as it's kind of shit like that you just do it all the time and obviously have your shit together as a guy so that You know you are showing up in a dominant way in the relationship and she respects you and so then all that other stuff isn't just some sort of like Papering over if that makes sense. Did I answer your question? I think so. Yeah. Thank you. Okay Hey Pat How important of a role does social media play in pre-selection like Instagram and Facebook love it love that question Huge role if you wanted to One of the ways I was able to set up parties was by using Facebook I mean so it was convenient. I suppose you could say for events, right? But but even just having stuff now today like Instagram I mean it's fame, right? You're creating fantasies for people. You have to be careful with fantasies You'd be careful with it because people you know on a deep level people will get maybe the wrong impression of you I can tell you because I experienced this a little bit Like if you get into a serious relationship and you got into that relationship via a lot of seduction There's a big hard come down when you try to transition from here to here Because you create a whole bunch of stuff that maybe wasn't exactly true, but when it's if you're just talking about dating. Yeah, I mean It's very very powerful. You have a great Instagram. You're posting pictures of all these places. You're going cool things You're doing girls are gonna see that and Respond to it very positively Hi Pat. So you mentioned social circle game Can you describe how that works? because You mentioned that and then there's also the friend zone too, which you don't want to end up in generally Can you kind of just describe the two of them and what's the difference between the two? Sure. Sure great question So social circle game. I love it Because of all the different Leads and whatnot you're gonna get from girls. So how do you go about doing it? It's a concept that I call Planning trees not eating seeds So what a lot of guys will do is they'll meet a girl, right? maybe they've done some sort of new activity or whatever and They met some girls there or they met it through another friend They're gonna go after that girl immediately try to hook up with her. It's stupid Unless you have a really really strong connection like what we were talking about earlier some sort of weird subjective vibe What you want to do is you want to friend zone that girl And then you want to bring her into your circle and bring her friends into the circle And so rather than have one girl who you may or may not fuck things up with you solidify that social nexus and Then you bring in her entire network and you do that you can maybe do it again if you want to if you flick There's more leads there But it's this idea of being very patient and thinking long term Guys get friends owned by girls when they kind of lurk in the wings, right? They're trying to make something happen with a girl But if you as a guy are not thirsty and you hang out with the girl, especially a pretty girl You're like you're such a good friend. I'm so happy that we're friends, right? You should bring your friends to the party this weekend Well a couple fun things happen one as we just said you get access to her her network, right? But you also create a lot of trust Which makes it easier to close girls in that network But a funny thing also happens is that on like a mid to long term you'll often also close those girls Because you're a guy who's clearly not thirsty and of course you're gonna be teasing and bantering with her the entire time You're just not moving forward with it So it's a very flirty friendship and so there's a lot of tension that goes on between the two of you But it's not something that you Capitalize on you leverage rather and girls aren't used to getting friends owned by guys so it kind of fucks with their head a little bit Thank you guys that's all the time we have give it up for Pat Steadman