 From Hollywood, the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Yesterday, there was a big football game between UCLA and UCLA. I mean USC. Bill and Frankie had two tickets for the game, but they never got to see it. Let's go back to yesterday and find out why. Oh, I can't wait to see that game today. Aren't you excited, Curly? Sure, I'm excited. Naturally, it's gonna be a honey. Takes me back to the days when I used to play for my college. What college did you go to, Daddy? Uh, takes me back to the days when I used to play for my high school. What high school did you go to, Daddy? Takes me back to the days when I was the best full-backed Colton Myers kindergarten ever had. I was known in those days as Twinkle Toes Harris. The way I used to tightrope down the sidelines, ah, it was a pretty thing to behold. Ain't that right, Remly? You say so. For a substitute waterboy, you weren't bad. Now, the kids, if you want to see class, you should have seen me. Rump along, Remly, they call you. Did you and Daddy play together? We sure did. Let me tell you about it, kids. You see, we... Hey, wait a minute. Now, let me tell them. Why, kids? But, Curly, this week it's my turn to do the lying. It is not. You had your turn last week when you told them about the time you hit the three home runs in the World Series. I know, but how about the week before when you swam the English Channel? No hands. I don't care who tells us, but one of you start talking and this time make it good. Yeah. Last week was so corny we had a tough time keeping a straight face. Don't worry, this is gonna be a good one. This happened in the Rose Bowl. The opposing team kicked off. Frankie and I stood on the goal line waiting to receive the ball. Frankie caught it, handed it off to me and I started up the field. Curly. 10 yards, 20 yards. I stiff-armed one player. Curly. Side step, two others and continued past the midfield strike. Three tacklers converged on me, but I bowled them over. Curly. Continued down the field. I got on to the 30, to the 20, the 10. Four tacklers jumped on me, but I carried them over the goal line to score the winning touchdown. Curly, what do you want? You'll have to come back. I forgot the hands of the ball. If you forgot to give me the ball, what was I carrying under my arm? Your other head. What kind of story is that to tell him? Your kid's better run along. Your father ain't in very good form today. Okay, I've heard enough anyway. Me too. Come on, Phyllis. Let's go down to the corner and have a beer. Yeah, you kid, what? You're going down to the corner for a what? A root beer. See you later, Daddy. I'd be scared for a minute. Did you get the tickets for the game, Curly? Yeah, we're supposed to pick them up at the box office. Hey, we're lucky to get these two seats. Phyll, what were you two fellas telling that girls about you having played football? I wish you wouldn't fib to them. What fib? We did play football, didn't we, Frankie? Of course we did. I'll never forget the time I starred in the Rose Bowl at Pasadena. It was on New Year's Day and I zig-zagged all over the field avoiding tacklers. Did I right, Curly? Yeah, with a few corrections. The zig-zag you were doing. But it wasn't New Year's Day, it was New Year's Eve. And it wasn't the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, it was the Hotel Lobby in Milwaukee. The only guy trying to tackle you was the house detective. Hey, Alice, he wasn't the star of that game I was. Which game? The one at Pasadena or the one in Milwaukee? The one in Pasadena. Oh, that was that day I made them 12 touchdowns. They couldn't lay a hand on me on small, wonder. In those days I had the speed and grace of a gazelle. Gazelle, you say. Let's forget this small talk and let's have lunch before we go. Alice, I'll have a ham and cheese sandwich on white toast. And I don't want no tomato on the sandwich. Instead of tomato, I want sliced pickle in the sandwich. And I want the toast light and warm. Anything to drink, Your Highness? Yeah, I'd like some coffee. No cream, two and a half lumps of sugar. Would you like it served in bed? No, on a saucer, like I always have. Never! We'll fix our own lunch and we better do it now if we want to get to that game in time. Oh, Bill, I meant to tell you. You won't have to go to the game. Won't have to? What do you mean? I have a surprise for you. You could see the game at home. I bought you a television set. Alice! I told you never to mention that word in my house. I am a radio man and we of radio refuse to acknowledge this Johnny come lately. Bill, television is a wonderful form of entertainment and it's here to stay. Ba, humbug and Balder Dash. And if you needed a dash of poppycock too. Gee whiz, entertainment, she says. It's nothing but stary optic and slides with the shakes. How did you know? You never gave television a fair trial. No, but I've given the shakes a test. When TV first came out, we had a set here for a full evening and what did they show? Puppets, wrestling, old cowboy picture. And beautiful dames with low-cut gowns. Yeah, beautiful dames with lo... What kind of a set you got, Clyde? We only have some wonderful shows on television today. Educational programs like Shakespearean dramas, child psychology, political forums. I'm a Ray Hutton and Dagmar. They're educational. Depends on what you're studying. Bill, why are you so dead set against television? Well, I don't think it's ready yet. Let's face it, Curly. You're just sore because you can't get a job in the media. Nobody wants you on television. What does that prove? Nobody wants me on radio either, but I'm on it. I think I could have picked a better way to prove my point. Hey, where's the set, honey? Well, I sent Willie out to buy one. He's such a shrewd chopper. I think you'll change your mind when you watch some of the programs, Bill. All right, all right, so I'll give it another chance. Hey, Remly. Yeah? Call the Coliseum and cancel our tickets. Okay. Honey, honey, I know you'll like television once you get used to it. There are some wonderful artists on television, good comics, dramatic stars, and some of the female singers are beautiful. Beautiful? Are you kidding, honey? They won't see anything until they've seen you. That's when they're gonna see it because you're my idea of a beautiful singer. Oh, thank you, dear. I, wait a minute. What are you leading up to? The same thing you're leading up to, your song. Thank you, dear. ["Why Fight the Feeling"] Why fight the feeling, the feeling, the fabulous feeling? Why fight the feeling we're face to face with romance? Why miss the magic, the magic, the moment of magic? Why miss the magic, relax and give it a chance? We're right on the very brink of kiss number one. There's no time to stop and think. It's too late to run, the beginning's begun, so why fight the feeling, the feeling that started us reeling? Why fight the feeling that says tonight is the night? Why fight the feeling when it's oh so right? The fabulous feeling, why fight the feeling, relax and give it a chance? We're right on the very brink of kiss number one. There's no time to stop and think. It's too late to run, the beginning's begun, so why fight the feeling, the feeling that started us reeling? Why fight the feeling that says tonight is the night? Why fight the feeling when it's oh so right? Here I am everybody, I bought the set. Oh Willie, you dove you. I can't wait to see it, where is it kid? Right here under my arm. Under your arm, what kind of a set did you get? Alice told you to get a 21 inch screen. Oh nonsense, the size of the screen is unimportant. This is the best second hand portable set that money can buy. Oh that was a present for Phil. Why did you have to buy a portable set? And a second hand one at that. I don't think you should keep sinking money in this husband of yours. It's like counting sand into a rattle. Besides this has a good sized screen, I'll open the cabinet door and show you. There, how do you like it? Take it back, it's damaged. It is not. Then what's that small piece of adhesive tape right in the center for? That's the screen. Oh goody. We get to see Fay Emerson in a plunging bandaid. Willie, how can you be so cheap buying a set like that? Hey Remly, take a look at that thing. Have you ever seen anything like that? Anything that's small in your life? Not since you gave me my last paycheck. Be sarcastic fellows. You get a wonderful picture on this set. I'll just plug it in and show you. There. Now I'll just turn it on and adjust the picture. There we are. Oh it's a beautiful picture. Let me see it. You'll have to get in line honey. All this thing can handle is one eye at a time. Look at that nice large picture. You couldn't get a... Oh dear, there's something mechanically wrong. The picture blacked out. Oh I'll fix it Willie. There. Oh the picture's back Philip. How did you do it? It was easy. I just brushed the fly off the screen. Oh we can't watch a football game on this screen. We'll all go blind. Come on Remly, we're going to the Coliseum and see that game. We can't Curly. When I canceled the tickets they said they were no more available. Well we can't get tickets and now we can't see it on television. We can still see it on television. How? All you have to do is go out and buy a 21 inch screen. They're very expensive. Now if you know where to go... I can get one a lot cheaper. Now where are you going to get one cheaper? I know a guy. Follow me Curly. All right. Well here we are Curly. Just wait until you see my friend's merchandise. This is one of the swankiest house furnishing stores in the city. Yeah, a nice location too. Right next door to the city dump. It's ideal. Gives him a chance to pick up a lot of unusual items. Sounds like an enterprising fellow. Oh he is. Where do you meet him? Hi Grogan. Well Frankie, how are you pal? You too Harris, good to see you. Now wait a minute. Hey bud, ain't you the guy who was in the counter-fitting business and wanted to sponsor me on the air? The same. I hated to give that business up when I had to. The government complained. Oh, I can't imagine why. Jealousy. I was turning out better stuff than they were. I made a $5 bill that was a doll. Your money was that good, huh? Well I ain't want to brag, but once the banks handled my stuff they refused to carry that inferior merchandise the treasury was handing out. It was only a question of time before the government went bankrupt so being a good American I stepped out. That was a patriotic gesture. Yeah, yeah. Harry was very grateful. He gave me a presidential citation and an autographed record of Margaret singing The Thing. How can I do for him? I'd like to hear the record. Look Grogan, I want to buy something but before I do are you sure that this is a legitimate business? Well naturally this is a legitimate business. If it wasn't how could I display all this merchandise out in the open here? Everything you see here was bought on the level as pianos, refrigerators, lamps, end tables. There ain't a hot piece on this floor. Now what do you want? Well I want to see a television set. Follow me. What are you doing? Opening a trap door to the hot goods department. Now wait a minute, you might as well hold it because I ain't buying those stolen goods. Mr. Harris, I resent your straight laced attitude. I do business with all the big stars and I got some wonderful sense. Well, I gotta admit that you do have some beautiful merchandise. That's a nice looking set over there. Well it should be. It was custom made for Bing Crosby. How'd you get it? Well me and a couple of friends at Bing one night I casually mentioned that's a lovely set you got there. I'd like to have one like it. Bing said, if you want the set, take it. Bing told you to take it? Just like that? Yeah, yeah. It's amazing, isn't it? Two guys with me were so surprised they almost dropped their guns. You stole that set from Bing? Oh, Everett's gonna hate you. Look, Grogg, I told you I don't want to buy no stolen goods. Well, all right, if you're gonna be picky on about it. I got a set right here that belonged to Jack Benny. Now, Jack's some bought a new one for me. He tied this one in and I can let you have it at a very good price. I don't know. Don't look very modern to me. Well, it may not look modern, but just wait a minute, I'll tune it in for you. Well, what are you reaching inside the set for? So I can get the cat's whisker in a good spot on the crystal. Oh, fine. A crystal television set. It's the latest thing. The picture's great and just wheel you here to reception on it. Here, put these earphones on. You mean I gotta listen to this with earphones? Well, naturally. Now you put the earphones on while I tighten the crank. What's the crank for? You want the pictures to move, don't you? Groggie, you may think that I'm a hard man to please, but I don't believe I want this set. I don't blame you, Curly. I've come to the conclusion that you shouldn't buy a set. Then how are we gonna see the game? Build our own set. Build our own with a kit? Now that appeals to me. Buying a kit is cheaper anyway. Sure. Once we get the set built, it'll be just like being at the game. We'll see all the plays, and at half time we'll see the card stunts, and hear the band playing, and those college kids singing, and we'll- Holy smoke, Frank. Thanks for reminding me. Of what? I haven't sung yet. What's that? Automatic pitch pipe. But she got caught when her house fell in, so you see there's got to be just one road for you and me. Let old Satan know he lost the fight, cause you can't do wrong doing right. You gotta do right. Ah, make me know. Yes, you gotta do right. Well, preach it to me. If you want to see the lights. Oh, hallelujah. Cause you can't do wrong when you're doing right. There's them that's good, and them that's mean, and them that's somewhere in between, but it looks to me from what I've seen that you can't do wrong doing right. There's them that's meek, and them that's bold, and them that's bold. Now don't ask me, but I've been told it's the meek that plays them hops of gold, cause you can't do wrong doing right. Now look at ol' big guy, ragging about his side, taking on little David. But he got his right between the eyes, so you see there's got to be just one road for you and me. Let old Satan know he lost the fight, cause you can't do wrong doing right. You mustn't do wrong. Oh, that's right with me. Oh, you mustn't do wrong. That's philosophy. If you want to get along. Yeah, I believe it now. Cause you'll never get along if you're doing wrong. Now they threw Daniel to the line, the king had it done, he's the law, but it wasn't long till Daniel and all of them cats drinking milk out the straw. So you see there's got to be just one road for you and me. Let ol' Satan know he lost the fight, cause you can't do wrong doing right. You know you can't do wrong doing right. Cause you can't do wrong when you do it. What is wrong? You mean you're going to try to build your own television set out of that kit? Sure, it'll be a cinch. There's only 2,784 parts to put together. Certainly we have each part numbered and all laid out in the line, and then we got Willie and the kids helping us. But you have to have the part spread out all over like that. Well, they're not spread out all over. Now come on, Remli, let's get started. Okay. According to the directions, the first part I need is number 97. 97! 97! Thank you. Now I need part 568. 568! Uh, while you're up there, hand me part 2522. 22, it's out here on the roof. I'll just reach out and... Now what happened? Look, baby outside and pick up part 2522 and bring it in. What about Uncle Willie? Ain't nothing the directions about him, let him lay. Yeah, let's hurry and put this thing together. The game will be on in an hour. Let's see. Next thing I need is, uh, rotary condenser. That's part 256. Oh. 256! Philip, I've got a rent sacroiliac. Sorry, we can't use it. For a rotary condenser. Thanks very much, it's fine. Look, there are too many people trying to help. You all beat it, leave this to Curly and me. Look, Curly, it's too much trouble running all over the house to get the parts. Let's start at the beginning of the line and put the parts together as we come through them. Yeah, I'll do it. Well, let's get started. We did it, Curly, we did it. Sure we did. Now let's talk about this silly girl. There ain't nothing we can't do. Just look at it. That's what I call a television set. I did it, Dandy. Oh, man. She's a little spread out, but look at that cabinet we made. Ain't that a thing of beauty? You see that slanted top? That gives it that streamlined effect. Hey, I brought in the groceries. Hey fellas, what's the idea of bringing that little house inside? Look, Julius. Why don't you leave it out and back in a big house where it belongs? Why don't you beat it, kid? I will, this country. What rumor? Is it true that Mr. Remley is the thing? Now get lost while we try this television set that we just made. He's made a television? Nothing you guys can't do wants the tool you put your mind to it. You mean our minds? Plural. I mean your minds. Singular. It means to fill up two heads. Snappy retort. I don't have you know we did a great job on this set. We haven't tried it yet, but I'll guarantee it'll work. This I gotta see. Okay, this you're gonna see. Hey, Remley. Yeah? Crawl under the cabinet and turn the picture on. Got the controls under the sets? That's so the kids can't mess around with it. Okay, the set's on, Curly, and it's working great. How can you tell you got the screen under the set? Of course not. If you'll just step in the kitchen, I'll show you the clearest picture you ever saw. How's the sound, Curly? I don't know. I'll go in the dining room and listen. Kitchen and the sound in the dining room? What's in the bathroom? Alice, give me that line again, will you, boy? Don't go that far back. Alice, she's taking a bath. Gotta be fast on your feet, kid. Finally, there's something wrong. I just looked in the kitchen. There's no picture on. I can't understand it. I thought it... No wonder. I forgot to put the plug in. Oh, no. There now it's on. Oh, look at those tubes light up. Yeah, look at that machine glow. Yeah, and look at the smoke coming out of it. Now, that's just one of them cigarette commercials. Oh, yeah, listen to your say. Quiet, kid. I'm lucky I'm in one piece. Curly, you okay? Oh. Curly, speak to me. Say something. Is there anything I can do for you, pal? Yeah. Hand me part 822. What's that? My nose. It must be around here someplace. Hey, folks. I really get a chance to be an actor on this week's Lux Radio Theater. Dan Daly is ill, so he called me to take over his part and assure my everything. And I'll get to a moat with my favorite star, beautiful Anne Baxter. Now, remember, I'm on the Lux Radio Theater this week, so don't forget to listen. Now, head a hopper, then Gloria Swanson and the theater guild on NBC.