 David just cows here. Hello. I love you. I love you, too You made my night. Yeah, I'll tell you what you did for me because I've been very happy lately and Thrilled about what's going on in my life and the world So Alex Brazell has been telling me about that is he's just the guy who is destroying my career Single-handedly single-handedly. He's got showbiz studios. He's building it on my on my back It's worth it. It's amazing. It's incredible. It's beautiful. He's got Andy kindler now. He doesn't need me. What he's got Jay Elvis Weinstein Is that true? Yeah, and Andy kindler. They have a new podcast called thought spiral Which is hysterical. I'm sure it is and there's good. Oh my god and Jay Elvis Weinstein I don't know who he is. Oh, he mystery science theater freaks and geeks. He's great writer Oh, it's right. Okay, right from Minnesota. The Joel something was the guy from mystery science theater Joel Hodgson, right? Right, that's not him. No, he didn't change his name, right? No, but he did change his name. Oh Unfortunately, he didn't he wasn't told you're supposed to change Weinstein Right, exactly. That's why I never understood So I remember that girl from the love boat Lauren Tweed's Julie. Yeah, she changed her first name instead of that ridiculous last name that nobody could pronounce I remember that as a kid. I'm like, how's the matter with her? What's the matter with her? She's crazy. Is that a joke? Is there something like my name is David Feldman and yes I changed it for show business. My real name is Fred Feldman That's really that is really funny, okay Fred Feldman's funny anyway, so Fred by the way, did you grow up in New York, New Jersey, New Jersey There was a Fred Feldman on W. O. R. Who was a traffic copter guy? Oh, he was yeah In my mother we grew up, you know watching all that stuff, but I don't remember Fred Feldman He was on W. O. R. And we'd be driving and my mother are the radio on the radio Okay, my mother would be driving me to music lessons now. Let's go to Helicopter just 74 to check in with Fred Feldman. My mother goes see you don't need to change your last name Well, that's probably why you remember Because you had that I never would have remembered the I mean I only listen to Harry Harrison on WAVC Yes, those guys, you know Well, I'm gonna tell you how I'm just waking up by the way. I understand you're in show business You get up you get up late. I have a regular job and I'm Let me introduce David just cow again and why you why I love you even more than I thought I loved you You've been doing a year of the godfather At the cellar where you bring your friends comedians And you do and this is a compliment A mad magazine version of the godfather. Is that a fair estate? Yeah. Yeah, I was nodding my head when he said that's interesting Yeah, I thought of course I worship mad magazine. So yeah makes sense I thought this is a mad magazine interpretation of the godfather and you have Jim Norton and already Lang and Yeah, that's right. Rachel Feinstein or Feinstein. It's it's stein. It took me a long time to figure that the white you'd want it more Jewy That's the way I remember it And you get up Do the godfather Do Couple of scenes you worked your entire way through the godfather this year kind of like the torah It's exactly like that that we're going to start the reading again and knock over So I was in a bad mood Finish on some castora we should have Yeah I got a Jew down this show. Sorry. Sorry Feldman. Yeah, I know So Alex took me to the cellar I Will give you another compliment pat and Oswell and david cross you sustained readings Of the day of the clown cry. Yes, I remember and One of them was kind enough to give me the script because I wasn't in LA when they were doing it Uh, I remember they gave me the script so I could read it David cross genius Genius read the script. He was the narrator. So he would be doing that 15 years ago. Yeah And he would read it verbatim. He would read the action And treat it as though it were citizen kane And then all the comedians would act it out My god the first time I I said, okay, this is just an event. I'm gonna go I know it's not gonna be great But I'll watch it anyway because it's just it'll be a goon. I'll leave A half hour in but at least I can say so some of it. I showed up I think I laughed. I think borat made me laugh harder That's the only thing that made me laugh harder that I took some people they did it again I took some people I laughed even harder. It was even funnier So alex told me about the godfather you staged the godfather reading. I knew I was gonna love it I knew I was gonna love it because we had spoken before because if we hadn't spoken before and we didn't I didn't tell you maybe some of the guys you might have thought They're gonna destroy You know what memory I have so this is it's a risky thing. This is the thing that I was thinking And then I'll shut up. I have to stop talking. Why because you're sure this is exactly I know but I you know, I'm so lonely and I see you and I want to I want to talk at you So I listen that's that's a a character flaw I showed up I cannot see the godfather anymore I've been watching it on my kindle On a small screen to the point where It's like watching a home movie. It's just like it's it's I can't write it doesn't mean anything to me anymore Watching your version of the godfather. This is what I this is a terrible thing to say This is what I thought this how mentally ill I am if I were in hospice This is what I was thinking if I were in hospice, this is what I would want every day if I had the money I would ask you and all the comedians to come in every day and do this This is how I would want to leave this mortal coil. Wow just every day looking forward That's what I was thinking because I'm mentally ill You play marlon brando. Yeah You sit on the lines It's like we knew there were certain lines that you know, we're waiting for like Reads the funny papers right when you said reads and the expression on your I'm gonna shut up It was just great. Well, you see you and I know it's like I I the next day I always go on my podcast and Uh yell at all the comedians that are in the show because they what's the end of your podcast The Dave just got podcast. I got very creative. I have to do it. Um I just always Yeah, I Call out everybody on their horribleness In the fact that I'm like, how can the men not have it seems like nobody's seen the godfather And you and I know one lines to hit and gnome the owner of the cellar knows exactly what to hit And you should see him yelling at natterman when natterman doesn't get it But we can let that go because natterman's what we used to call a retard So we let that go but the other guys I just don't understand I really feel like they haven't seen the godfather or they are just the worst actors in the plan I don't know and that's you see you get why i'm Hitting those lines that we're waiting for you and I right and I don't know why I mean we work with natterman We tell him we're like no you have to pause here Because that's what the people are what it's a very important line in the show that everyone who's here who's actually knows the godfather Is waiting for he just doesn't understand. It's like if we tell him he makes it worse. I don't know whether he's doing it to disrespect authority or I I was so frustrated that I'm not a success watching this Because Alex in my mind you are a success. Well, yeah Alex brazil and I left and we kept saying if only I were Lauren Michaels You know if I had the power Because I would stage this at the tribeca film festival. I would call up right scorsese Notice I said scorsese. I would call copula. I would call Well, you know, it's funny when I would do it with godfather actors when they were doing with a soprano's actors Oh god, that would be funny too. Do you remember when they were doing the 40-year anniversary? Mm-hmm last weekend. Yeah at radio city. Um, I said I was like we should send them I the show before this Um, we had come back after a little like six month break So I had the star wars crawl as the godfather credits You know, so it said when last seen the the evil barzini the evil gangster barzini has put michael into hiding in the remote planet of Sicily and we did it just like that But the complete the way they write empire strikes back and we thought that would be funny They would probably like that at the radio city. They would let me hear. Let me hear barzini's a pimp Barzini's a pimp. Right. Remember I played it out Is a pimp But I wasn't until today. No, no, it's to tally is a pimp. That's what it is. Oh, that's right. I'm I mix it up too I'm cloudy. I'm glad tally is a pimp Yeah, because barzini's you never could have outthought sent, you know, I'm sorry. I interrupt. Just say that again, please Tally is a pimp I really went for what I had to exaggerate a little because I know you're waiting for it I know only you is waiting for it. I think I said it on my pocket. I'm like, thank god David Felton was there. I'm not sure who else would get the Clyde Tolson joke I feel like I only wrote that for you You can hear you laughing on the tape. I Put it on the show. It's clearly you laughing exactly where you were sitting And so somebody said who was that guy in the back on the side who was laughing at every That was David Felton. I was in heaven. I could I wish I didn't have my laugh It's I have kindler and I have kindler has a sweeter laugh My laugh is aggressive. It's Huh? It's maniacal. It I left like a hyena. Yeah, I can't there's certain laughs that I have My ex-wife had a loud laugh too and when we thought something was funny your ex-wife was ester coup Thank you I'm not going to say anything. I know I have something that I'd like to say But let me weigh how much it would cost Yes, so the the god let's by the way, I know it's hard to believe David Just-Cal but People don't know what we're talking about. So why don't we start from the beginning? What do you do at the cellar you you a year of the godfather who who Who what did I see last week? It's something I've been planning for a long time. It's just it's a It's a it's just like you were talking about the day the clown cried We are reading from the script the godfather, but I changed the script and I doctor it. Yeah, just a little to me Right, which makes it so funny. Yeah. Well, we're basically taking all the stuff you and I know about the godfather And bringing attention to it Like for instance the smallest of instances like when Abe Vagoda is on the phone At the end like we're on our way to brooklyn and how is it possible that No, the guy who's on the phone what doesn't know everyone's dead or I know there's no internet or cell phones or anything But by the way is the timing that is in brings in question by the way You referenced something that has been annoying me about the godfather for centuries When they send Michael Corleone to Kill sterling Hayden that Italian restaurant. How's that Italian food here? Right? Is it salatso? Salatso they tried to kill Salatso and McCluskey and McCluskey. I played McCluskey, right? How's that Italian food? You gotta go Say why weren't you at that one? See I hate you now They needed you at all of them Abe Vagoda knows about the toilet as a chain pull down. We talked about that last time Yeah, and then I yeah, I think I did a good. I mean I Like who knows about you have a clip? I I told him about to pull that clip if I Yeah, if you have it we don't we never I've never played a clip. That's all I do on my show Oh, I played clips all I've clipped a couple of people on this show What is this? I think that's when they said I'll kill them both maybe is that what it is? hours past There is more laughter after this one line from michael when Bazzini beats westerly in a game of wits in the princess bride There is more laughter from this one line than when peewee herman asks if there's a basement at the alamo There is more laughter from this one line Then there is at a dan natterman headlining weekend at the chuckle hut in cleveland Hey, that's rick crow. What are you gonna do nice college boy? I didn't want to get mixed up in the family business. We were looking for what are you gonna do? You're gonna go down to the captain right because he slapped you in the face for a while because doesn't it It goes when they're eating the chinese food late So it's later on like this and by the bing you blow the brains all over your nice ivy league suit. Come here Sorry I got this suit at gimbals Why weren't you there? Let me hear this You are taking this very personal tom. This is business and this man is taking it very very personal Where does it say that you can't kill a cop? Come on, mikey Tom, wait a minute. I'm talking about a cop that's mixed up in drugs I'm talking about a cop A dishonest cop he's so bad Who got mixed up with the rackets like groucho. Oh, he was coming to him That's a terrific story. And we have newspaper people on the payroll. Don't we tom? They might like a story like that They might It's not personal sonny. It's strictly business But if i'm being honest, it's a little personal too. I knew it He's al pechino now Uh, yeah, yeah, he's playing him like It's saying i'm gonna be the cia The horrible al pechino Oh, let me hear al pechino is Michael corleone in the 70s. We got people on the payroll Doing it like jimmy gift house. Yeah, I can't forget it right Come on Your ink isn't dry on your divorce You're doing it perfectly am I But that wasn't a scene that was um, what what we did was uh He says uh, sure. I know the place. It's got one of those old-fashioned pope change pilots I really got into the apagoda character. I did it really well And then he goes like, why do you know so much about toilets and then he goes i'm gonna test you here I'm gonna be like, uh, uh, whatever the place is luchows. I'm second to say sure It's got one of those dual flush systems. He goes through all the toilets in the city Why do you know all the toilets? I don't know spend a lot of time in the birth It's a gift something like They go through the whole they go through the whole system Each quizzes them on a three restaurants in the city. I love you. I love you That's the funniest thing and it's like this flaw in the godfather that I yeah, why does he know all the toilets in the city? Look Mike Sure, I know the place good family place Everyone minds their own business We might be able to plant the gun Mike can you take off the handcuffs? I think I got a for going it down pretty good. That was the problem too. I'm the only one that's doing imitations Everybody else is just doing it straight. So You know, it's kind of a bummer like I wish I just wish other people had seen the godfather. I don't know. It seems like nobody's seen it How it drives me insane. You know what you know what have the clip You know what when you know where he has the club you and I Watched it too much. We drained all the Go ahead Is that reliable That's my man in McCluskey's press precinct. The police captain's got a be on call 24 hours a day He signed out at that number between eight and ten 24 hours a day. Jeez. No wonder he's so great Anybody know this joint? Yeah, sure I do It's perfect for us a small family place good food Everyone minds this business. It's perfect Now wait a minute. How do you know it so well since when are you been hanging out in the Bronx? I hang out in the Bronx sometimes When lots of times bullshit name a time. I can't think of one right now Oh, you can't think of one right now. Hey, will you guys knock it off? Keep in my eye on you test, yo I don't know what it is about you but I know something detective fishy And yes, I said detective fishy to acknowledge your television work Nobody gets that fish Pete They they they got an old-fashioned toilet, you know the the box and the Just change We might be able to tape the gun behind it. Yeah, absolutely not. I'm not putting my hand back there It's like a box full of water with duty And how in god's name are you so familiar with the toilets in a particular restaurant? Why would the name louis in the Bronx register for you? Oh, yeah the one with the pull chain Now hold on. I'm gonna test you Okay, sorry Toilet with a pipe connecting the cistern to the pan is exposed Limby's on 49, so that's a back to the wall toilet where the pipes are discreetly hidden Blue child, that's one of those new water-efficient Well All right, Mike listen go to restaurant You talk for a while you relax you make them relax Oh my god, that's an album first of all I want to apologize to Dan Natterman He could I finally taught him how to talk into the microphone. Yeah, that's all right, but you know what? He's right he's an idiot he plays Michael Corleone completely wrong, but it works. I know it's amazing. You know what? It's great that you bring that up because when I first was going to use him what was going to happen I was going to use him in the first one And then I was going to play him In this one because it was more of a because Marlon Brando wasn't in this part So I was going to play him. Oh my god, and then Natterman did such a hilarious job I just let him go and he really is terrific when he talks to the mic and you can tell him Uh-huh like if we did an album where we could correct him. He would be fantastic Yeah, you know what it's and I also had him play ebony's or scrooge in the christmas carol in december What's funny about natterman is Be very wary of an idiot Because he plays it like an idiot And you think he's not getting it now. I listen to it. I go. Oh, he knows exactly what he knows. No, he knows He's very intelligent. I mean, he's very very bright. Yeah, he's he's right for playing it there Boy, you could make an album of this. Yeah, it's funny when you when you hear it back It sounds like one of those albums we used to grow up on as kids, you know Well, I wish I ran show business I wish you did too because if I if I were loren michaels or who runs show business these days loren's pretty good Okay, good enough. I would pick up a phone and demand That you bring in the sopranos The original cast from the godfather mix up the parts. I actually have jimmy kahn play marlon brad. Oh my god Can you imagine I asked carlo to sopranos versus good fellows doing the godfather? I mean you can mix it up, but it's also good with comics too. Even though they can act it drives me crazy, but if I could Guide them through it if we were recording Well, I guess you want to record in front of a live audience too. So I don't know But you're right. I I go I mixed I get mixed up sometimes I want to use actors But then using comics is fun because they're our friends This should be a mainstay of the trabeca film festival Somebody's got to get this to deniro and have have him do it. That's why that'd be terrific. It's so funny It's so well written. Thank you and it's parody. I don't think you're going to get into any trouble Yeah, I don't think so either but uh, I talked to carlo the guy who played giovano, ruby No, that's the different actor, right? But whatever that guy who plays carlo I asked him to play sonny In um episode four the guy who fingered sonny Yeah, for the bozini people. Yeah, um He said he couldn't do it for legal reasons and we all just made fun of him. Yeah, we're like, yeah, okay. All right Then I heard he was kind of a Jerk off. Yeah By the way, one of the things I've learned I used, uh, Todd Barry instead And he was hilarious and then I'll write for the person. Well, wait, he Todd Barry play carlo Oh, that's what he gets beaten up because uh, hey, sonny that garbage can's pretty painful We And carlo bitches, you know, I write for the person playing it sometimes. Oh, hey, conny shut up. All right All right, so that all right, let me calm down. Let me calm down You're giving me a thumbs up as in calm down or It's too funny We're having a good time. It's too funny I left there There a couple times, you know, laughter. I always I don't give a shit if the audience Feels good. This is all about me. Yeah You know, I'm just like People are in the audience and they're they happen to be laughing. That's important to me Uh, their laughter doesn't make me feel good But making them laugh makes me feel of course every comic's like that Laughing the way I did at the cellar to what I walked out of there for like three hours. I was buzzing I was it's the best. It really is. I forgot what it means to laugh that hard That's you know, you know, Gilbert did it to me at carolines. I remember that too borat A gold member a couple of oh really? Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, and I saw mel brooks Do blazing saddles at radio city music hall and what do you mean? They they ran blazing saddles while Mel brooks was there like talked about it afterwards. Oh afterwards. Oh, wow I didn't expect blazing saddles to be as funny as it is I thought it was I thought it was A moment in time Oh that it holds up. I was shocked by how it holds up beyond holds up Holds up because now everybody's so pc It's amazing that they were able to get this through anyway when then when you're thinking back then And that it was like the first of its time where It's the first movie ever where they threw around curse words It just treated them like they were just regular words And then when you think about it like that and then you think about how politically incorrect it is And why it totally would hold up today And it's offending a whole different Isle yeah, yeah, it's a whole different side of the isle that it's offending. Absolutely. Yeah, it's fascinating really fascinating Is that luck? I think that's luck Really? Yes. Yes, I do. I think he got lucky in that sense, but I mean you can never take away The the fact that it's a forerunner to every comedy we've ever known as as Men there's young men or you know, there'd be no caddy shack without blazing saddles or anything like that But he knows that that's the one I think he knows that I think he knows his place in the world Which makes him kind of and he should because He's terrific. Mm-hmm. Have you met him? No John fugl saying had him on the show. He did. Yeah him and carl ryan. Oh my god. Can you imagine? So you had sarah silverman. She actually told me that she went to Mel's house and him and carl ryan and they eat together like every day Like just from tv dinners like trade they watch tv together and stuff. They're like so cute their best friends still I I'm gonna say one bad thing about carl ryan and mel Brooks They taught me through 2000 year old man and dick van dyke and they taught me what comedy was me too However, when I moved to la and I'm not gonna trash the chinese restaurant They supposedly Have Chinese takeout from a chinese restaurant on pico So when we moved to la I insisted that we eat at this chinese Totally understand because it was where carl ryan and mel Brooks. I would do the same The worst chinese food I have ever had. Oh in my life and and remember you were in los angeles I mean, I'm not sure what you were expecting there. However, I found that chinese food is better than everywhere in new york I can't find a good chinese place here But don't you think mel Brooks and carl ryan? They should eat at a better place and maybe they're affected They've been in la too long. They're not new yorkers anymore Yeah, or maybe they're operating at such a higher level of chinese food. I didn't understand the nuance Maybe I mean you're coming from new york. You're expecting a certain thing with chinese food chinese foods No, it's coming from san francisco What'd you say nothing I called you a derogatory gay term They have great chinese chinese food I think they have great chinese food everywhere the best chinese food I've ever had has been in montreal and london and Quite frankly, los angeles was better food than I've had here I finally found a really good chinese restaurant here in town on first avenue and like delansey Which I think is really good Which place you come in? I can't hear you or turn your shanghai cafe. Where's that? Yeah, why doesn't he turn his microphone? He doesn't want to take the worst producer ever hear me turn your microphone. You hear me? Yeah, now turn it off He set you up shanghai cafe. Where's that the best it's in china town It's on moch street. Of course it is modern canal Well, that's the thing you have to find your place on montan canal where all those chinese food restaurants are But they're also a little dirty. This place is claims called kanji village Excellent chinese food. There was a place when I was growing up called new wad door And I'm not making this up. You're making it up. There's no name like that new wad door. It was a chinese restaurant and jackie Onassis Was dating mariece templeton. I don't know who that is mariece templeton was an ugly bald financier Well, as soon as you just until you said financier, I thought you were talking about myself and I don't remember Jackie Short dumpy bald again until you say financier you son of a And I look up with my parents and my my mother and father It's What's jackie onassis doing and my father points To the bald dumpy jew Of course, they're in a chinese restaurant. She's dating mariece templeton I think his name was mariece templeton. I don't remember is templeton A jewish name. I don't know. I've never heard of templeton as a jewish name. Well, as the word temple in it Yeah, but um I've heard I've heard names that should have Judaism in it, but they're not like I can't think of any Chinese food. I've kind of swore off chinese food. Really? I still worship it. I do too, but I can't stop eating it Yeah, so then it's just I know it's that joke, but it is so delicious. I can't stop you I can have it every day there and there are I know it's not good for you Well, even the vegan chinese food That can't be bad for you. Can it? Yes, because it never satisfies So I just keep eating it and eating it This uh, they have this shrimp with broccoli dish at my uh in my neighborhood that satisfies That gets me really full. It gets me too full. I can't I can't stop eating it Yeah, this is an old court. This is so in court. This is so embarrassing because jews who jews I know I know you said you have to stop Jewing up the book. I know now it's getting worse. It's worse. And then there's this documentary about shanghai You mentioned shanghai alex about the actual restaurant or shanghai the the town the town Because during was that a city during world war two They took in all the jews. Oh, they did. Yeah, there's it's nice. There's a document. I can't watch it because I know that if I see this documentary, it's all I'll talk about I know what you mean. Did you see that 60 minutes? I'm sorry. Just let me just tell you hang on Like I'm complaining about talking too much about being jewish and now I want to tell you about the document They took in all these jews During world war two. So there was jewtown in china. Oh, that's interesting. Which means every sunday the chinese Let's say I'm in the mood for jew But there was a little pocket in shanghai. I didn't know that of jews Would never have guessed that you don't suppose that's where the love of no no I believe The reason jews like chinese food is from what I've heard is that it used to be very cheap And it was easy, you know, it went in like brooklyn area or something used to be very cheap and and it was open on sundays Say cheap and jew and it was open on sunday. Just keep saying cheap and jew. You know what I'm saying More importantly, they don't use cheese Oh, so you can mix you can mix dairy and pork right? Well, I mean, aren't you always curious how jews got connected to chinese food? Yes, that's what it was explained to me Somebody on the show explained that jews became obsessed with chinese food For your reason days open on sunday inexpensive You could eat pork with impunity because you don't know what's in there, right? Right a lot of this stuff has pork in it, but you don't know right right and you can order egg roll Anything on anything on the menu will not have cheese. So you could mix beef You don't have to worry about dairy. Yeah, I mean it is fascinating why you know, I always wanted to know and that's What we've heard makes sense. Yeah, but to the point where people talk about chinese restaurants Like it's the kennedy assassination, you know calvin trillin from the new yorker, right? I've heard of him. I don't know him. He's part of this group that follows if they find a chef I'm not making this up. I believe you the mel brooks joseph heller Used to have chinese dinner together all the time with a group They would find a chef and they would follow him from restaurants or they would know smart Like like a rock star Calvin trillin writes for the new yorker very fancy upright member of literati He and a group followed a chinese chef down to south carolina. Wow to a strip mall the guy moved And they they spent a week in south carolina eating at a strip mall because the chef that's hilarious Yeah, that's amazing. I could see doing that if I had the money I would I would probably follow a chef around if I thought he was amazing Calvin trillin bobo is a jew, but wait. Oh, I hope so. Yeah, why would you find a chinese chef? I like asian cooking so I would totally follow a chef around I know people do that with like morimoto the japanese chef or something. They'll go wherever he's going Still happens Is it healthy to be this obsessed with food? I think so I mean everybody's obsessed with food. That's the thing. You just have to Try and put it in moderation not like difficult But now it's it's gotten to the point where it's obsessive in america in the world where Yeah, I don't know. It's a good point. I don't think people talked like this Back in like the 50s or anything like that, right? I don't know what happened Now I find myself eating just out of boredom because I have nothing to do which is Why I'm a little dumpy I think but I hate I'm not even hungry sometimes, you know, I'm just like I I don't have any plans tonight I'm gonna water something that's why I think it's dangerous especially since we're Older older and the country's gotten morbidly obese. Yeah, I mean half the country is fat And they blame it on fast food and stuff, but it's not just fast or maybe it is Maybe it's just so easy to get food and it's so easy to Have it delivered That's gotta be half the problem, right because people just used to cook And then they're like and then you would say, yeah I don't feel like I'm sure I won't eat. But now it's so easy To just call for dominoes and get it in, you know, 20 minutes I never did delivery when I lived in LA Well, they didn't have it then did they think you could have yeah Occasionally rare when they had somebody it wasn't like now where you could get every like if they have a seamless app or something like that Well, I mean rest there you'd find there were Chinese and Italian restaurants that delivered and there were occasionally we would Treat the kids in order of pizza because you're talking around like the 90s and early 2000s, right? Yeah Yeah, I remember being there then and I remember the only places that delivered I don't even know whether China maybe some Chinese places did but mostly like that Pig and whistle or whatever that replaced what that Little grocery store would deliver and that was like especially late at night Pig and whistle is what donald trump calls roseo donald's queefs You stepped on my horrible joke roseo donald's queefs Is what donald trump called? I'm a horrible human being Have you ever this is one of the things that I've noticed you can do in new york Because I've been here for three years now just three. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. Why'd you move back for some work? Right. Well, I figured but are you gonna stay I Until those charges are dropped back in LA So have you done this? I never knew that I could do this You know, you step outside in Manhattan. It's 20 bucks, right? Just you walk out and it's 20 bucks Yeah, have you ever said, you know what I'm gonna stay inside today And I'm gonna spend 40 bucks On takeout, but I'm not gonna leave the apartment do that every weekend I do it every weekend where you just don't leave I don't leave from sometimes from fridays to sun if I wasn't doing this podcast today I wouldn't have left my house all weekend I have never been like this before but I have noticed it's bad. It's bad. It's is it a man Is it a manhattan phenomenon where you Just say to yourself. I have nothing on the plate. Yeah I'm not doing anything. I'm just gonna read and it's a really good question because I wonder what would happen If I live somewhere else Well, you'd go for but I think maybe I'm that kind of person because when I go to LA sometimes and I'm in a hotel I'll stay there if I have nothing to do if I'm having a miserable time and I don't I don't have any plans Everybody else has plans. I'll just stay in I won't even or maybe there's just no place to walk I don't know. Fortunately. There's this lady in my building Sometimes she calls me for a dog walk. It's the only way to get out of the house But I have totally stayed in the house for a full weekend. If I didn't have a job I would never leave Let me ask you a question. Are you married? No, are you single? Yes. Are you in a relationship? No, I'm totally single because I think I'd never go out and meet anybody. So I was at FedEx yesterday This was really depressing. I don't even know if I should talk about this. Oh, Alex is this is I was sending stuff at FedEx and there was an elderly lady flirting with me And by elderly, I mean probably like two years younger than I I hear you Totally understand. Bob Sack, it's I find women my age attractive And Bob Sack, it says, well, I'll take you to the the morgue. We can just We can open up a couple of drawers. There's a couple of people our age attractors put them on the marble slab So no, there was an older woman flirting with me I mean literally flirting with me And she was in a rascal What what's that? That's what old people who want Attention, they're not really crippled. They just want you know, they're old and they're lazy And they want to gamble and they don't want to walk through the casino So they ride a rascal. Oh a rascal. Oh god That's not cool And she was flirting with me And there was this little part of me that thought what the hell What does that mean? Well, I don't know what it means I mean, it's like if I don't care what like there's a woman in my building who's in her 60s In mid 60s, but she looks amazing And I totally want to go out with her But she's insane. She thinks she's uh, she thought she was the running mate for hillary But she's really pretty so it's worth putting up with She thought she yes, she with a straight face. She will be like, yeah, I was supposed to be the running mate And I don't know You know, I think there's still a chance of going to be I think give me her number. I'll call I'd like she was in the movie trading places. I'd like to know I think this is great She's crazy going into the relationship. Yeah, completely. So you know what you're getting really hot that is so it's perfect Yeah, no surprises. Yeah, no, I agree Is this sexist I'm gonna say this about both men and women In the dating pool in manhattan, which is an island Is it safe to say that? It's impossible to meet A good decent human being in manhattan. You can meet them in queens You can meet them in the Bronx, but on the island of manhattan where everything is transactional People are here for reasons other than love that's Boy, that's a really excellent question having been single for so long Uh, never been married Been in a few relationships. You know, I'm still trying to date For me, I know that if I If I go to new jersey, I can meet I think more long-lasting relationships there Plus, I'm kind of a hero there because I have a regular job and I know sarah silverman Here I have a A meaningless job You know, and I'm just kind of a loser You know, because there's other people that have more money and there's people that are more Even more famous and why don't you know Amy Schumer? Exactly exactly. So yeah, so it becomes different in new jersey Yeah, I think I can meet somebody like a more meaningful Uh, and you know work it out, but yeah, it's the skyscrapers. It is very difficult in manhattan. It's the skyscrapers Everybody's looking up. Yeah. That's a good point. If I meet it's really difficult I'm I don't have high standards A woman looks at me and she goes third floor. I want to live on the 16th floor Then she gets the 16th floor and she says, you know what? I could probably get a penthouse. Yeah, and I'm not saying in terms of money. I'm not saying they're money growers But some of them are yeah, they're just thinking I can do better. I can do better I think that with every woman I go out with I'm sure they think of that, you know, because all comedians are like that We're all You know, I'm not like that. No No, I think any woman who loves me anybody who's stupid enough to love me I'm saying as you kind of say right, huh? Well, that's what I'm saying too Any woman that's stupid enough? See, I got I did something smart. I moved to san francisco No, no, no, I'm not going to do because I was smart. No, I know you marin lizz wednesday I remember the time that a bunch of you guys all moved to san francisco and did really well Because there were lots of spots out there and stuff you were able to but there was Unconditional love it taught me what unconditional love is I don't think people in manhattan manhattan Understand what unconditional love is when I moved to san francisco. I got married. I had unconditional love It became conditional but San francisco taught me what unconditional love is you don't have that in manhattan People love you on their terms in manhattan That's good. Don't you think I do think I mean, I don't have that much to compare it to You know, I've been to la a lot and spent some time there and I it for me I think it's easier to find women out there, but it's like what you're saying um It's still the same as here in way with los angeles But I've heard san francisco is more Yeah, you can find Unconditional love that I believe that I don't know if you still can when I move there You could I think it's changed because of the tech giants I also think the thing that I Don't think most people understand in manhattan That when it comes to love We're incomplete if you're looking for a love It's because you're half a human being And then once you Hook up with somebody You create something that's different Than what you were and what she or he was It's a whole different thing You can't go into a relationship with preconceived ideas. You just have to surrender and say, okay We're going to create something that We don't know we don't know what this is Going to be it's like a screenplay everybody reads the sidfield screenwriting book right and they do okay I'm going to do an outline first. This is act one. This is act two I know exactly how act three is going to be you can't write. I took all these screenwriting classes And they always said you can't start the screenplay till you know how it's going to end and then You know my screenplay sucked because I was I'd come up with an idea along the way I got a stick to the ending then I met harlan ellison. I asked him But he was you met harlan ellison. He goes f no f you just write Stephen king you just write harlan ellison wrote city on the edge of forever, right? That was I think people people Enter relationships the greatest like a sit field Screenwriting book. That's a good point. I need to know how act three that's going to be Boy, that's good. That's a good, uh That's a good analogy. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. We all do it in manhattan in manhattan I don't know. I think people I think everyone does that. I don't know if that's just a strictly Manhattan thing I guess I'm saying it's just blow me We'll see where it goes just give me a handy nobody thinks like that We'll see what happens especially women. I think they want to know where it's going where it's ending right away Maybe this is just a one-act play and I'm like you suck me off. I'm like a girl like I Will think right away if I meet somebody am I gonna end up marrying this guy? I mean I've always been like that I think like that Can it can this work the first day? Really? I absolutely do What because you're like me you're lazy You think that's all they think that's a thing of laziness. I think I think I always looked at it as more of hope I got it down to a science. Unfortunately. No other woman likes my my calculations I lie on the couch read work Eat sex exercise movie read sex exercise work movie Food sex just there are like five things I need Well, that sounds pretty good On my terms Well, aren't those everybody's terms? Yeah, I mean what what are we missing? I'm greedy with my time That's the problem. I think when if we were to meet girls They think they take into consideration. We are stuck in our ways, you know I mean, I certainly am you call them girls women. Yeah, sorry. That's you know because a year ago you were calling them whoers We have to take a break. Yeah Okay, we'll be back