 The Jack Benny program Quality of product is essential to continuing success. In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts and lucky strike means fine tobacco LSMFT LSMFT LSMFT. Right you are. Yes, sir. Lucky strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means more real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. At the tobacco auctions they attend, independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen, can see the makers of lucky strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. This fine, lucky strike tobacco means more real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, lucky strike, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. I'm starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, to those of you who haven't been warned, at the close of his radio season Jack Benny is contemplating a concert tour. So let's go out to Jack's house where we find him taking his violin lesson. Oh no, no, no, Mr. Benny. You better try the exercises once more. All right, Professor LeBlanc. Oh no, come in. One and two and three and four and Do not make it too legato, grip your bow and place the cato. Softly like a birdie chirping, you sound like a horse that's burping. That's enough, Mr. Benny. Now try Intermezzo again. Yes, sir. No, no, no, Mr. Benny. Please, a violin is a delicate instrument. It has a heart, it has a soul. You have already broken its heart to fitty on its soul. I see. You see, you see, you see. Please, Professor, control yourself. Would you like glass of water? Yes. Put a little cyanide in it. Not till we finish the lesson. All right, all right, take the exercises once more. Yes, sir. Play it softly, play it tender. Where can I go to surrender? The notes say smoother, make sure this is worse than your last picture. Your head is getting woozy, onesy-toosy, I hate you, zero. All right, all right, Mr. Benny, all right. Now try Intermezzo once more. Yes, sir. Incredible. I'm sorry, Professor. Mr. Benny, the violin has only four strings. Your left hand has only five fingers. How can just the nine of you make so many mistakes? I'll try it again, please. And this time, just follow these simple instructions. Relax, become, and slide the bow delicately over the strings. Is that all? That's all. Now commence. One, two. You see, it sounds better already. They're picking the three. I'll try it again. No, no, no. Let's call it a day. The lesson she has done. Professor, look at the clock. The lesson still has 14 seconds to go. 14 seconds. That's right. And then you will give me back my pants. Very well, commence. The Frenchmen are so emotional. Forgive me, Mr. Benny. I forgot my sentence. Well, Professor, the lesson is over. You may go now. But, Monsieur, you've forgotten something. You haven't paid me. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, by the way, Professor, would you like some lunch? No, I want some money this time. I'll have to get it for you. Excuse me a minute. Come in. Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Come on in. The parrots. Don, what are you giggling about? Duffy, duffy. Nothing. You didn't come over here. Don, what have you got behind your back? Berry fillet dentists. Hiya, Jackson. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, for heaven's sake, I know Don is big, but how the three of you can hide behind him is beyond me. I beg your pardon, but would you mind waiting on me first? What? I saw this line, so I got in it. Look, Miss, would you mind one pound or where it won't show? Yeah. Nowadays, when you see a line, it's either for nylon, butter, or vaccinations. Oh, yeah, Jim. But this happens to be a private residence. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Goodbye. Oh, by the way, as long as you're here, would you like some lunch? No, thank you. Didn't even give me a chance to show her the menu. Jack Benny, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Mary, what's wrong with serving lunch? Imagine putting stools around your swimming pool and calling it the Seaside Cafe. So what? I serve good sandwiches and draft beer. That's right, Libby. Pickle in the middle and the beer on tap. Gag alone ought to get you a summer show. The kind of stuff won't keep in the summer. You kids can laugh if you want, but I have the best beer in town. Oh, Mr. Benny. Yes, Dennis? I'm going to deliver your keg of beer tomorrow. You are? Why? My mother sprained her back. Well, that's a shame. How did it happen? Well, yesterday, when my mother was at work, my father waxed the floor in the kitchen. It was sure slick. Oh, you mean when your mother stepped in her feet, went out from under? I think so. We got her footprints on the ceiling. Well, that's too bad. Did your father tape up her back? No, her mouth. You should have heard what she was calling him. I don't blame her. Anyway, kids, what's going on? How come you all dropped in together? Well, we're going to the beach, Jack, and we thought you'd like to go with us. The beach? No, no, I don't think so. Oh, Jack, stop being afraid. What happened to you last year won't happen again. What happened, Libby? Well, Jack was lying on the sand, and two men came over and tried to bury him. Yeah. Tried to bury him? So what? They were only kidding. Not when they were playing organ music at the same time. Yeah, imagine those 200 takers coming down there looking for business. Well, it was your own fault for lying on the beach in a tuxedo. All right, that wasn't a tuxedo. That was my old bathing suit, and the lapels were a little shiny. Anyway, kids, you run around the beach. I've got to stay home and practice my violin. Hey, Jackson, you're not serious about that concert tour next summer, are you? I certainly am, and no swing stuff for me. I'm going to play the classics. You know, that long-haired stuff. Long-haired stuff? Yeah. Wait a minute. You ain't got the talent or the toupee for it? I'll get along. No worry. Now, look, kids, I'm kind of busy today, so if you go to the beach, go ahead. Come on, kids, let's go. Say, Jack, is our program all set to Sunday? All except Dennis' song. Just run over it once, will you, kid? Yes, sir. Michel Benie, Michel Benie, I am waiting. Oh, Professor LeBlanc, I forgot all about you. You want your money. I owe you for six lessons, don't I? No, five lessons. I thought it was six. No, no, five. I am not charging you for the time I hit you on the head with the violin. Oh, yes, yes, that's right. Well, I'll get you the money as soon as I hear this song. Go ahead, Dennis, let's have it. Professor, put your pants on. Please. Are you going to the beach now, Mr. Benie? Yes, yes. Go ahead, all of you. So long, kids, so long. Sorry, Junefield, go in your car. And Dennis and I will follow you. Okay. Oh, Michel Wilson. Michel Wilson. Oh, Professor LeBlanc, you're not going to the beach with us, are you? No, no, no. But before you leave, will you please go back in the house and remind Michel Benie to pay me for his violin lessons? Oh, well, it's probably just slipped his mind. I'll go ahead and speak to him. You just wait here. Thank you. Oh, while you're waiting here, have a cigarette. Thank you. You'll enjoy that, Professor. It's a lucky strike. And you know, luckies are made of the finer, the lighter, the naturally milder tobacco. Please, Michel Wilson, go inside and speak to Michel Benie. You know, Professor, the more you smoke luckies, the more you're convinced that those letters, LSMFT, really stand for lucky strike means fine tobacco. All I want is my money. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. I gave him six lessons, but I am only charging him for five. So for real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that, smoke of fine tobacco. Lucky strike. Five lessons at a dollar and a half. And I'm not even charging him for the concepts I gave at his seaside café. Come on, John, we're waiting. Okay, right with you. Oh, Professor, you better go in the house and speak to Mr. Benie yourself. I have to leave now. Goodbye. Goodbye. All I can do is try again. Now, Professor LeBlanc, come on in. Gosh, how time flies. Seems only yesterday that I took my lesson. It was today and I want my money. Oh, yes, yes, your money. I forgot all about it. How much was it again? For five lessons, seven fifty. But if you give it to me now, I'll take six dollars. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to settle it for the full amount. You are very kind. Now, let's see. I owe you seven fifty. Is that right? Oui, monsieur. Now, France owes us four billion, six hundred, and six million dollars. But I did not borrow that personally. This is not an international affair. Did I charge you for the Louisiana Proceph? Just sit here, Professor. I'll go get the money. Good. I'll be back in a minute. Put your pants on. Yeah, Professor's a nice fellow. A little excitable, but he's... Save us. Oh, what is it, Roger, sir? Are you staying in for dinner? Yes, yes, I think I'll eat by the pool. You can't do that, boss. Why not? The elves are having a party out there tonight. Oh, then I'd better have a bite now. What have we got in the icebox? Well, we got some cold borscht, cheese blinches, sour cream, bagels, and matzo balls. Borscht, bagels, and matzo balls? Yeah, we had them left over from St. Patrick's Day. Make up a big batch of hot biscuits with lots of butter. Well, we're all out of butter, boss. We are. We'll go over next door to the Ronald Coleman's and borrow some. But, boss, every time we're short of something, you send me to the Coleman's. Oh, we haven't borrowed so many things from the Coleman's. We haven't. When the time comes to return home, it'll be easier to switch houses. Roger, sir, stop wasting time. Now run next door and get some butter. Okay. I'll be in my room practicing my violin. I have to practice all afternoon for my concert. So call me when lunch is ready. Yes, sir. Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Rochester. Well, Professor LeBlanc. Yes, Rochester. Will you please do me a favor? Sure, sure. What is it? Will you please tell Mr. Benny I am waiting for my money? How long have you been waiting? Since 12 o'clock. You're a beginner. I've been waiting since 1937. You better speak to it yourself. I gotta go next door and borrow a pound of butter. Eh, Professor? Yes. The lesson's over. Why don't you put your pants on? Oh, Benita, Benita. Yes. What was that you were talking to at the back door? It was Mr. Benny's butler, Manchester. Oh, what did Benny want this time? No, no, don't tell me, let me guess. Was it the garden hose, a cup of sugar, or my tuxedo? It wasn't your tuxedo. Good. The last time he brought it back, the pockets were full of sand. He wanted to borrow a pound of butter. Butter? Butter? What does he think this is? Shangri-La? All the man there ever does. Borrow, borrow, borrow. Dying don't be unfair. Once in a while he's loaned us things. Remember last week he let you have his lawn mower? Yes, but it wasn't much use to me. I could only mow half of our lawn. Only half? Yes, that's as far as the chain would reach. He means well. Oh, I know. And I really don't mind Benny too much. But sometimes he wants to borrow the oddest things. Last week he asked for some sympathy soothing. You know, Bonita, the sympathy is spelt backwards is ytapimus. Oh, yes, ytapimus, ytapimus, ytapimus. Ytapimus drives your blues away. Benny's a pleasant enough chap. With all his borrowing, I sometimes wish we weren't next door neighbors. Yes, it is annoying, but living next door to him has its compensations. Compensations? What do you mean? Well, he does serve the biggest glass of beer in town for a nickel. But that big electric sign flickering on and off, it keeps me awake at night. Yes, yes, and what a corny sign. Benny's seaside cafe, come in and drool by the pool. Right under it says, put your stomach in our hand. Oh, my goodness, look what time it is. And I haven't started to work on that scene from If I Were King. You know, I'm doing it next week for that benefit performance. Well, I won't disturb you, darling. You stay here in the library and rehearse, and I'll go into the other room. All right, now let's see. It's a better start with this introductory poem. If I were king, I'll love if I were king. What tributary nations would I bring to stoop before your scepter and to swear allegiance to your lips and eyes and hair? Beneath your feet, what treasures I would cling? The stars should be your pearls upon a string, the world a ruby for your finger ring. And you should have the sun and moon to wear if I were king. Ah, let these wild dreams and wilder words take wing. Deep in the... Deep in the... Deep... Oh, Benita, Benita! Yes, Johnny? Would you please put the cat out? And for heaven's sake, let her in! Things and wilder words take wing. Deep in the woods, I hear a shepherd sing. Oh, Ronnie, I couldn't hear the cat anywhere. Well, come in here and... Did you hear that? That was Mr. Benny playing his violin next door. I should have known. Our cat hasn't sounded like that since she had a strapped throat. Benita is awful, Benita. You know, I must rehearse. Well, darling, just go ahead, and if he starts again, don't pay any attention to him. Well, I'll try. I'll try. Yes, I bet it'll go over the love scene. Let's see. Here it is. Catherine is seated in the royal drawing room. I enter left, walk up stage, take her hand and speak. Darling, I love you. Love you because you are the loveliest woman alive. All my life I have read tales of love and tried to find their secret in the bright eyes about me, tried and failed. But when I saw you, the old heaven and the old earth seemed to shrivel away. And I knew what love might mean. For your love, I would face torture. For your love, I would defy death. For your love, I'd greet the gallows. I've got to have this stopped. Call the police. Call the fire department. Call Petrillo! Start again! And with that same old dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah. I tell you, darling, I can't stand it any longer. Darling, calm down. Some things got to be done. It can't go on. It can't go on. I'll answer it. Hello? Oh, hello, Ronnie. This is Jack, Jack Benny. Oh, it is, eh? And, Ronnie, I'm trying to practice my violin lessons. So, if you and Benita must argue, would you do it on the other side of the hall? It's nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, it happens in the best of families. Oh, Jack. Jack, you've got the wrong impression. Benita and I weren't arguing at all. Now, Ronnie, Ronnie, you don't have to stand on ceremony with me. Even Rochester and I have our little tips. But we always patch it up, and I'm sure you will, too. I mean, it's not hard if you'll just make... Hmm. How do you like that? You hung up on me. Imagine him being that mad at Benita. Oh, well, there's a job to be done, and I'm going to do it. Hello, Luella? This time it's the Coleman. Uh-huh. Like cats and dogs. No, I don't know how it started, but he feels awful. He cried to me over the phone. That's right. You're welcome, Luella. What? No, no, don't mention my name. I don't want anybody else to know I'm a heel. Good bar! Bar for five minutes now. I'm sure Mr. Benny's finished practicing, so go on rehearsing. Yeah, all right, darling. Let me see. Where was I? Well, there's the door. I'll get it. Yes? Excuse me, Mr. Coleman. But you're a good friend of Mr. Benny. Are you not? Well... Would you please do me a favor? A favor? Yes. Mr. Benny owes me $7.50. Would you mind speaking to him about it? You mean to say that Mr. Benny owes you $7.50 and won't pay you? That's right. Well, I'll take care of it right away. Goodbye. How do you like that, Benita? Benny owes him $7.50 and won't pay it. Give me that phone. Hello, Luella? Have I got something for you? You've seen a lot in the papers about a subject of universal interest. Automobile driving. Until newer, safer cars are available, we should drive our present, overused cars with greater care, thereby protecting ourselves and others. During these jalopy years, help cut down accident rates by encouraging better driving. When newer, safer cars replace the old ones, we'll all be better off because the streets and open highways of tomorrow will be free from the high accident rates of today. Thank you very much. The first here is my good friend, L.A. Speedrigs. In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. So, remember... Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. Here's what Mr. Reuben G. Fleming, independent tobacco buyer of Middleburg, North Carolina, said. Naturally, fine tobacco makes a fine smoke. And at auction after auction, I've seen fine mild leaf bought for American. For my own cigarette, I pick luckies. I've smoked them for 15 years. At auction after auction, I've seen fine mild leaf bought for American. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. So, for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, lucky strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. The famous tobacco auctioneer, so done to the nice programmer, Mr. L.A. Speedrigs of Goldsborough, North Carolina. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And Mr. F.E. Boone of Lexington, Kentucky. At 49, l-l-l-l 49, American! I'm Erickon. That's a rise deal speaking for the makers of Lucky Strike. LSMFT, LSMFT, LSMFT. Make no mistake, in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, in the near future, the United States government is making an atomic bomb test off Bikini Atoll in the Pacific. Among the ships to be used in this test is the famous old aircraft carrier, the Saratoga. And before this ship sails on her last voyage, we have been asked by the Navy to pay her tribute by broadcasting aboard. So next Sunday, our program will come from the hangar deck of the USS Saratoga in San Francisco Bay. I hope you'll all be listening. Good night, folks. The national broadcasting company.