 Good morning. My name is Amy Melnkampa, Retired Irlington Schools Principal and Chair of the Professional Learning and Support Committee. And on behalf of the committee, I'm really excited to be able to introduce Dave Melnick to you this morning. Dave has asked me to read the following disclaimer for his presentation. Please be advised, especially those of you who are former English teachers, that Dave will be using a somewhat loose and overly fluid interpretation of various terms like metaphor, simile, comparison, symbol, idiom, analogy, figurative speech, and juxtaposition. Frankly, Dave will be taking great liberties with these words, often overstating that something is a metaphor, when it may be in fact a simile. Or a simple comparison. Dave reminds you that he got C's all through English, high school English, or candidly he got C's all through high school period, and he's been learning proper grammar, syntax, use of tenses, word choices, and sentence structure into his middle age. Without further ado, Dave Melnick. Almost three years ago, almost three years ago to the day, I was working at home. It was the Tuesday morning. Even though I was prepared for a phone call, the ringing startled me. I was focused on a work project. I picked up the phone and I very quickly said, hello, the person on the other side of the line said, hey Dave, how you doing? His pace was slow and deliberate. I immediately knew that there was bad news, just by his case and his tone. His voice was kind and warm, but it was just a bit more serious than usual. I responded to his question, good you, I said this as rapidly as I possibly could, in hopes to pry the information from him quickly. We worked together for about two decades and I trust him. I received a lot of good news, sometimes comical news, and on occasion better news from him. Pretty good he stated. Just came and slowed further. He knew exactly what he was doing. He continued. I looked everything over again pretty carefully. I know you said things hadn't felt right. He continued. Things have progressed a little bit faster than I thought. I think we need to take care of you right now. I stammered for a moment, kind of catching my breath and I said, well, how long? He said probably over night I imagined, unless I see something unexpected once I start. Still didn't know what the diagnosis was, so I said to him, what is it? Two months ago we were only worried about one area and things have gotten worse now. And he continued. He said Dave, you need to do a complete brain job. Calipers, bad rotors, the whole shebang. He said, I know this is like clouds on a sunny day and with your kids going back to college soon this is going to be a big financial hit. Darry, my mechanic, he's thorough and he always explains things in detail. Often with language that I frankly don't even understand. That doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to me that I don't understand the language. He always presents things in a way that is caring, patient, and collaborative. He does the work. He does the work. But we're partners. Three weeks later, three weeks later, I'm lying flat on my back on a gurney on the bottom floor of the UVM Medical Center. I'm cold and I'm really scared. I have one of those humiliating Johnny's eyes. And I have an ID port in my right arm. I have good veins for IDs that are set. With a little bit of my sarcasm still intact, I say, my mom would be proud. My wife, Hillary, is with me trying to look optimistic. That's what she does. She's a strong and optimistic person. The doctor I've never met before bounds into the prepping room. He's about 10 years younger than me. He shakes my hand, greets me, but shakes my hand in kind of a cursory way. And he makes virtually no eye contact. He completely ignores even disregard Hillary, who is literally standing just across my body from him. In that moment, my transformation begins. My transformation begins. It's clear that we're not partners in anything. I'm a body part that either fixes, passes on to somebody who can or ignores. My transformation begins when I just barely begin to recognize this. I've been around dismissive men before. I've witnessed my wife being dismissed. And she and I together have decided that we're going to challenge this type of maltreatment. That day I said nothing. Hillary's a determined woman. She's welcomed my voice and partnership at these times. My silence was as alien to me and to Hillary as was the experience of helplessness. There in my Johnny, cold and scared, felt ashamed. I was sick and I didn't even support my wife. The power difference felt incredible and I looked down at the floor. The doctor had fantastic shoes on. His countenance was cold, clinical, detached and I was freezing. He was cocky and remote and it was clear that he was comfortable with the power he had over me. The light of real class, well educated, middle-aged man. It was clear that he's in charge and that I was expected to be a passive participant. I'm broken. He fixes me. The message was clear. Dr. D explains three options about the procedure I'm about to have. Either he'll do nothing, he'll fix what he sees or he'll stop the procedure and inform me that I need major invasive surgery. He says this procedure could kill me. The irony felt kind of bad. Just a year before I finished the fourth marathon I've done in my life and two other half an hour, I had a great diet, had a somewhat unremarkable family history, strong, community of friends, no drugs, two beers a month. That's a wild one. Two male nurses, Jim and Ted, begin to wheel me into the procedure room. I begin to notice just how high I'm getting up for the medication. Once inside the procedure room, I catch a glimpse of Dr. D and a resident behind the glass to bide off. I look like a control room. My haze kind of deepened and my euphoria increased. Two more male nurses introduced themselves, Shane and Blaine, and they lived me until the procedure came. I slip into what I later understand as a slight hallucinogenic state. I look up and all four male nurses have white visors on and are smoking cigars. I think the hallucination is real. I say, hey fellas, deal me in. Melting from my fellas. After the procedure, two hour procedure, after the procedure, my knees clears. Dr. D comes into the recovery room. He, matter of fact, tells me that I have moderate to severe disease. I have to take three airport medications for the rest of my life. It takes me a decade to get to the bottom of that building. He remains arrogant and all too comfortable with the power he has over me. No collaboration, just control, no empathy. Just a cold clinical fact. I feel lost again on the floor in the plastic shoes. Dr. D tells me, he says, you're fixed up. Live your life and I'll see you in a moment. You're fixed up. Live your life. I'll see you in a moment. Problem is, ten days later I'm taking a walk with Hillary in our neighborhood. My head still adjusting to the meds. I feel dizzy. About a quarter mile from our house. I get clammy and lightheaded. I'm scared and I slowly fold down to the unpaved road. Soon I'll lie in front of my back on the ground. I'm not sure what's going on. Hillary bends down and says, I want to call the EMTs with understandable urgency. Not yet I say, I think I'm okay. I go inward, I am not okay. I get scared again. We make it back to the house, we call the doctor's office. I say, if things get worse, call the EMTs, go to the ER. And next morning I lie in front of my back on the bottom floor of UVM Medical Center. I'm cold and I'm scared. I have a Johnny on and I deport my left arm. They've previously been veins. Hillary's next to me trying to look optimistic. More bad news in the recovery room from a new doctor who says that Dr. D missed a spot. It's kind of hard to see, he said, with a bit of probato. You know, these are not plain as days sometimes. A few days later, I had my first office visit with Dr. D. With only a superficial greeting as he walks into the exam room, Dr. D says that he did miss a spot. You referenced my second procedure. Almost with an arrow, these things happen. I have a bit more of my analytic assertive self with me that day. I start to pepper in with questions. Idiology of this disease. How it works this. And again, most importantly to me, how this happened. I asked the doctor a couple of times what his understanding was. Those factors to me seem critical in my care. He says, Mr. Melman. I say, call me Dave. He says, Mr. Melman. You're an outlier. Blood work is great. Exercise, diet. He trails off for a second. And with great confidence. With great confidence. He shares the first of his metaphoric masterpieces. He finally makes eye contact with me. He looks me straight in the eye and he says, Mr. Melnick, sometimes shit happens. I froze. I'm the son of a doctor. And I've been cultured on having great respect for positions. But I found myself saying, look, I'm in a shit happens business. Every day I work with teachers and counselors and administrators and child welfare workers who choke back tears in dealing with the realities of what gets perpetrated against our kids. We live every day. Shit happens. I thought I had my mojo back until I realized I'm saying, hold this in my head. Shit happens. I repeat it to myself and look down the floor again. Now let's unpack that nifty little metaphor from the specialist doctor. Shit happens. This could mean bad things happen to people. You're not above the laws of science. I have no explanation. Stop being a baby. Move on. Get over it. Your number came up. It was inevitable. This is random. Life's not fair. Fate. Stop making a mountain out of a mole. One metaphor. Lots of meanings. Lots of meanings. That's what I'm messaging. The night of my second hospital stage is a few days before I'm up late at night. Can't sleep. I'm walking around and I meet up with the charge nurse. She sizes me up. She looks at me and she goes, smoke her, huh? Nope. She says, eat like crap. Family history. Nope. So I sat with her because she looked as perplexed as I had been. And I started talking with her about the ACE study. My first childhood effects study. She listened with great interest. She had no idea about the ACE study. It's 2016 and she has no idea. No wonder Dr. D thought I was an outlier. Would he have talked to me differently? Would Dr. D have talked to me differently having no idea about ACEs? Would he have been more caring? Dr. D thinks I'm an admiration. But I'm no medical outlier. Three months later the same thing. Lying flat on my back cold and scared this time in the ER. Another procedure, another intervention, and another office visit with Dr. D who performed this third procedure. Again, I respectfully question him about the causes of this disease. I'm kind of plead with him. If we don't know how this happened, the contributing factors, how are we treating the potential causes? How are we preventing reoccurrence? Look, he says. You and I know what happens when a man says look. He says look, Mr. Nolan. I think you just take your meds. Don't worry or stress a bit. And be glad you're not battling brain cancer. Be glad you're not battling brain cancer. Let's unpack that pithy little firecracker. Or a metaphor. Simile or idiocy. Be glad you're not battling brain cancer. That could mean your fight's pretty easy. You're lucky. You're at war with something you can beat. Be happy you have this severe disease. You can easily win this fight. Stop your whining. This is small potatoes. You're lucky to have this disease. That other disease, that's a real busy. Metaphors matter. And messages penetrate deeply. How you see me affects how I see me. Whether you're a vulnerable person or a strong person, whether you're a black brown or white person, whether you're a child of man, a woman, a gender non-binary person, we are impacted by the perceptions and the words of other people. Sticks and stones do break bones. But words, words can crush a soul. And obliterate hope. And words can empower fear. How a teacher or a power or a principal or a parent sees a child literally shapes the interaction. And the student's belief system. Our metaphors and messages communicate our values, our beliefs and our expectations. And metaphors are immersed in our language to the tune of about six per minute for the average adult. They are often unexamined and they become powerful vehicles for transporting messages. I want you to consider three factors now in transforming trauma. How to view our kids and our families and our workforce will shape how we interact and how we lead. Factor number one, three factors to transform trauma. To disempower. How you guys doing? So far, is it good? Okay. Number one, from the perspective of those with less power, those who suffer from the systematic effects of chronic trauma and those like you or me who might suffer situationally, how do you see me? That's how I see me. Those who are marginalized and subjugated, our students, their families, some on our workforce, patients in a medical setting, how they are seen, but that's how they see themselves. How you see a marginalized student affects how that student sees him or herself. Self-perception, self-esteem and self-agency are largely sharp shaped and influenced by other people. People are particularly vulnerable to our messages and our metaphors when the balance of powers stick against them. People are particularly vulnerable to our messages and our metaphors when the balance of power is tipped against them. They listen and they watch and they internalize and they make me. I'm a pretty secure, I didn't sound that in the beginning, I'm a pretty secure, well-resourced man who's been messaged in ways that have greatly affected me in the last three years. I felt belittled, weak, powerless, demeaned, scared, partially by the circumstance but largely by how I was treated by the professionals. Real body part. I'll fix you. You will comply. Get over it. Be lucky you have this. Imagine the impact that our messages and our metaphors have on 7, 11, 5, 15-year-old students from a traumatic background whose privileges pale compared to mine, to a child, to a student, to anybody in a lower status relationship, your view of me is entangled with my view of me. Every one of us in this room, every one of us in this room can be an ally or an assailant who constructs and self-believes. You can be an ally or you can be an assailant. You can build and you can dismantle. You can re-story a child's experience. You can re-story their experience. Or you can be just another perpetrator of what they've suspected about themselves all along. You can be a perpetrator of something they've suspected about themselves all along. Your view of me is entangled with my view of me. Trauma transformation begins to occur when we, those with power, are aware of the child's experience and the experience of people with less power. Empathy, compassion, validation, the hat-trick of trauma-informed care. Trauma transformation occurs when we understand that we are shapers of students' experiences. We are shapers of students' experiences. We're influencers of self-esteem and we are architects of young people's minds. These adult superpowers, we have these superpowers as adults to be shapers, influencers, and architects, these are baked into the adult child interactions. It is just what nature provides. Now, for those of you in this room, for those of you in this room, for probably more so on our workforce, those of you in this room and on our workforce that believe in the faulty perspective of individualism, those John Wayne and Marlboro Man sensitivities, those in this room and in our workforce that use that hyperbolic, I pick myself up on my bootstraps, and the kids can too. That hyperbolic, I pick myself up on my bootstraps and you can too. For those of you who have the belief that we largely construct our own meaning about ourselves and we create our own opportunities, you're wrong. You're wrong about that. And it's incredibly destructive for our kids. Everything about that notion, picking yourself up by your bootstraps, as this you've done it on your own, everything about that self-satisfying notion is wrong and it's dangerous to project that onto our kids. We are a social and communal species that only survived and thrived because of our capacity for kindness and compassion, limit setting, group think and altruism. We survived and survived because we're interconnected and interrelated. No healthy person in this room or anywhere, no healthy person is fully independent, nor able to construct your own identity. Healthy people are interdependent. Healthy people are interdependent. Everyone who has succeeded had help. How we see a person impacts how that person, especially a child, sees him or herself. We're farmers and we're gardeners. We help nourish and till the soil and reach our kids' growth. Factor number two, the privilege. From the perspective of those with power, educators, parents, social workers, police officers, doctors, white people, from those in power, me, most of my adult life, how you see a child, how you and I see a child is determined by our beliefs and our biases and our beliefs and our biases literally shape our actions and our behaviors. You heard some of that yesterday. What you see and what you do is based on your beliefs, your experiences and your biases. What you do is shaped by what you believe you see. Are you and I even seeing the same thing when a kid with chronic trauma acts out? We observe selectively as human beings. We observe selectively. We see what we want to see. That's both human nature and a neurobiological impulse. We observe selectively. We believe and then we see. Not the other way around. We believe and then we see. The old cliché seen as believing, that's a fallacy. We believe and then we see. We literally shape what we're looking at. Implicit bias, unconscious attitudes, they're dangerous reality when you work with marginalized populations like we do. The most common question I get from educators is some form of what do I do when, what do I do if? It's a fair question. It's a fair question. But it's also a premature and a dangerous question for me to answer. Before I can answer that question, I got to know what are you looking at? What are your beliefs about what you're seeing? What's the context for the chronic behavior? What are you telling yourself about that child and that behavior? What are you telling yourself about that child and that behavior? You see what we're looking for. Much of the post-traumatic behavior, and I'm going to push things a bit, much of the post-traumatic behavior that we witness, that you and I witness, most of the post-traumatic behavior that we witness is an optical delusion, or an optical illusion. We see what we want to see. That's partially a delusion. If I'm seeing a determined kid and you're seeing a defiant kid, you ain't seeing the same kid. Our strategies are born from beliefs, not from some objective truth about what that kid needs. What I might do is dramatically different from what you might do if we can't agree about what we're looking at. Let me illustrate this. I'm about to show you a slide that if you've worked with me before, you have seen this slide. If you've seen this slide before, I'm asking you to see it with a fresh set of eyes if you're up in stone. If you have not seen this slide, then I'm also inviting a level of open-mindedness about it. On the top, I hope you can all see clearly a shark fin. Everybody see that, okay? Here's what I'm going to suggest about the shark fin. Later this morning, we may talk a bit more about this, but for now, what I'm going to suggest about the shark fin is this. The shark fin in this metaphor is real, but often over-emphasized problematic behaviors that our students present. It's real what we're seeing, but we often over-emphasize this problematic behavior. So I don't deny that these behaviors occur. Threats, aggression, property damage, avoidance, running away, drug use, self-harm, passivity. I'm not denying that these are a concern in our schools, but we often pay too much attention. We even obsess over the shark. The shark is the hood ornament, not the driver. We often ignore the driver. The driver is obscured under the surface or behind the tinted glass. How's that for a mixed metaphor? Now, I'm only showing you half of the slide so far, so the top part is the very real but over-emphasized misbehavior, stress behavior of the students that you and I work with. The goldfish could represent a lot of things. When I showed this slide, I've had some conversations with some groups. We talked about this slide for two hours, and it was good news of time. I'm going to suggest that the goldfish represents fear, vulnerability, unseen beauty, natural desire to trust, determination, self-protection. The goldfish to me is a hope and desire and a desperate plea to be seen. I don't think this is news to you, but our kids, our students, they pine for us to see the whole story. This slide is about the whole story. They pine for us to see the whole thing. They actually pray that we might see a whole picture and then respond differently to that. The shark and the goldfish, I think this image is revelatory about students' exposed trauma. It challenges us to see traumatic behavior as a both and, not an and or. We rarely have the whole picture about a student. I used this slide to illustrate the illusion or delusion of traumatic behavior. You see what you want to see. You look for what you want to see. I think this slide compels us not. This slide compels us, and the concept more importantly behind it compels us not to respond to the first thing we see. Try not to respond to the first thing that you see. We always need a second theory. Every one of us needs a second theory. That's part of growing mindset around it all the time. Trauma is a wicked and compelling teacher. It teaches kids how to survive through whatever methods necessary. Ungoing trauma is like living in a war zone, awash with different rules for survival and self-protection. Showing your true self, showing the goldfish part of you is rarely rewarded in many of our kids' families. And it's ill advised when you're living in the trenches. Self-protection, not discretion. Self-protection, not discretion, is really the better part of valor when you're living under siege. Self-protection, not discretion is really the better part of valor when you're living under siege. Try to see a student as determined and defined. That'll prevent many tactical errors on your part. Our job as people that are trauma-transforming, people that are trauma-informed, our job is to decode, deconstruct, see below the surface of chronic stress behavior. Being sharp-like, threatening, avoidant, passive, defiant is a way to manage and communicate stress. It's a way to manage and communicate stress. You've got to see the whole kid. Now, let me get a little bit more tangible here. Say you and I are working with a student who presents with a lot of defiance. The stress behavior is chronic. And the classical view of defiance is that the students choose it to resist adults if they don't care that they're avoiding or they're seeking something. I'll suggest that after a kid is defined for five or 10 or 15 times, it's not defiance. It's not just defiance. That's the hood ornament, not the driver. Defiance does not drive action. Something much more fundamental does. Defiance, anger, passivity, running away, laziness, those are outcomes. They're not the motivation. If a student is chronically resistant, it's not just resistance. If a student's chronically avoidant, it's not just avoidance. Practice whole-child thinking. Either know or take a guess what's under the surface. Get to know the motivation, not just the behavior. Many of us are far too intimate with a kid's stress behavior without knowing anything about the motivation. Let me suggest this. When you see defiance as determined, when you see defiance as a kid being determined, when you see resistance as a kid being self-protective, and when you see avoidance as a person who knows their limits, if you see the shark, you are also obligated to see the goldfish. Use determinate. When you see determination and not just defiance and when you see self-protection and not just resistance and when you see self-awareness and not just avoidance, that'll matter a lot to a kid. It'll matter a lot to a kid. They are so... Could you feel the F-bomb coming out of there? My wife told me I couldn't say that today, so I didn't give it. When you see both ends, that's going to matter a lot to a kid. They are so fatigued. They are so fatigued by our negative and repetitive views of them. They are tired of it. What you choose to see impacts what you do. I love sharks, but I prefer to work, and I'm more successful when I'm working with goldfish, with the determination to self-protection and self-awareness that motivates the danger. One step deeper on this, and then we'll go to number three. I want you to consider this. I'm saying this about me, but I suspect the same is true about you. Every day of my life, every day of my adult life, in particular, I have the privilege of putting up boundaries and setting property aligns around my life. Every day I put up boundaries and set property aligns around my life. In my car, in my home, I have ways that say, stay away, I need space, let me be. I need to figure this out. I just need a break. I have armor and defense systems that are deemed socially appropriate, and I have privilege and resource that enable my limit setting and my boundaries. Beware. Do not enter. I can set firm property aligns. Why is it so difficult to recognize the ways that our students and their families, those adversely affected by chronic trauma, also set boundaries and establish property aligns? How do we miss so much brilliant self-protection, instead too often getting into unnecessary power struggles? When a student tells you to eff off, when a student tells you to eff off, repeatedly and chronically, why are they not afforded the same privilege of setting boundaries and property aligns? That's precisely what they're known for. I'm not endorsing cursing or disrespect, nor am I excusing it. I'm simply explaining the unity of purpose that we share with our students. We are interconnected in our desire to protect, to self-protect. We, the privileged, have just been taught different means to do it. Valor is subjective. Valor is subjective. And self-protection is often heroic. I'm challenging us. I'm challenging every one of us to look at chronic stress reactions that we see from students and the knee-jerk responses that often consume our practices. We often have knee-jerk responses and those consume a lot of our practices. I never permit kids to cursive me. Never. I don't like it, but I understand it. I sometimes even admire it. My understanding, though, and my perception of cursing shapes how I respond and the kid feels it. I always try conventional discipline first. I always try conventional discipline first. My batting average is about four hundred and four fifty. Four, five out of ten times I'm successful. Those are hall of fame numbers in some contexts, but not in the Charmine form world. Magically and perhaps a little ironically, when I see the brilliance behind the behavior, when I honor their need for self-protection and boundary setting, even in an inappropriate boundary like cursing at me, I actually shortcut the need to use it much. When they feel safe and validated by me or by you, they can lower their armor. Cursing is armor. Your choice about how to intervene will communicate a lot about how you are seeing a particular behavior. When a kid understands, when our kids understand that you understand, the profanity begins to lose its purpose. When they know that you get it, they don't have to curse at you anymore. Our students do say and do dramatic things. I'm not questioning that. Our methods actually often reinforce those. Dr. B, he sees me as a part that needs fixing and his style of interacting with me supports that belief. I'm a body part to him and he treats me in an objectified fashion. Darren, on the other hand, my mechanic, he sees my car as an interconnected system. What happens to my car, if it's serious enough, affects me, affects my bank account, affects my family, my access to work, my mechanic repair systems. Some of you might be thinking that it's a bit absurd to be comparing mechanics and physicians. Perhaps you're right. However, we're looking at brush strokes and not the whole picture. That sounds snarky. Yes, no? Sounds snarky in my head a little bit. We transform trauma. We actually transform trauma when we consider a second theory. When we challenge the certainty of what we see. Challenge the certainty of what we see. When we examine biases and clarify what we think we're seeing. Trauma transformation begins when we require reflective practices and self-inquiry. We need reflective practices and self-inquiry to help us reveal and challenge biases. Reflective practice, clinical supervision in the mental health world, is necessary for trauma transformation. As we can ill afford a workforce that has gaping blind spots about what they're seeing. We cannot afford a delusional or an illusion vulnerable workforce. People in systems only change when they reflect. People in systems only change when they reflect actively and often about their own beliefs, their values and their actions. If you don't reflect the consequences can be significant. Now, if you leave this talk and believe that I advocate for allowing kids to misbehave that I'm soft on rule and flattened fractions and I'm touchy-feely about kids exposed to trauma then I have either been miserably unclear or I may have been miserably unclear or you've not fully examined your own biases about kids who lack doubt. There's a motto in our world talking with kids that have been trauma exposed. There's a motto and it says connect before you correct. Connect before you correct. It's often an imperative for successful discipline with kids from traumatic backgrounds. They need to feel safe before they will change. They need to feel safe with us before they'll change. We transform trauma via equity and social justice. How you view problems and behaviors can be a dangerous accelerant of stress or it can validate, reduce and heal stress. Factor number three. I'm going to do a mini social experiment on you. Real quick without your consent but I hope you're well into it. If you look at the middle of those three symbols mostly everybody in this room will call that 13. If I showed you this slide first mostly all of you in this room would say that's a B. Now that I called it a 13 some of you are all kinds of messed up. Because you're not sure whether it's a B or whether it's a 13. So context matters a lot. If I had shown you the B first you'd be seeing a B. I show you a 13 first you see a 13. Context matters a lot. One of the many responsibilities one of the many responsibilities of the privilege is to understand context. It's essential that we see circumstances in setting. We've got to see circumstances in setting as determining factors in how well people perform and how well they moderate stress. In social work we say you can only understand a person within their environment. Some high school students some that you work with some high school students present very differently in math class than you do in social studies class. Same kid different environment. You change the context enough and you change the person. Behavior, misbehavior and stress behavior those languages will all make sense if you come to the strand. Behavior, misbehavior and stress behavior contextual. Action reaction counteraction that's human nature interconnected and interrelated. Every day your safety and mine depends on scores of people you know and hundreds of people you'll never meet. Like you I only arrived at this conference safely by choices that I made on routes 89 to 100 but you and I also arrived here safely because of the choices that hundreds of other people we never met made. All behavior, misbehavior and stress behavior are transactional and all of them have an origin story. Every challenge every chronic stress behavior has an origin story a bigger picture. We don't know we don't always know what it is so we will not always know the origin story of the kids that we serve but I will tell you that if you acknowledge that they have an origin story that what you're seeing is much bigger than what you're seeing that will actually change your practice and more importantly the kid will feel it. Now context is important it matters a lot. Realtors understand context because they say location, location, location they understand context and trauma expert Bruce Perry that he says all the time repetition, repetition, repetition when talking about the context for teaching youth new skills. You certainly know that as educators social workers and by the way we're the original resilience experts social workers say it's context, context, context it's about the context it's necessary to understand social milieu it's necessary to understand family dynamics and environmental factors sharks and goldfish defiance and determination if you as a leader if you as a leader look at the tree but never at the forest if you ignore the big picture and you never get a bird's eye view of what you're looking at you become dangerous you become simplistic judgmental and reductive as leaders it's our job to have a bird's eye view of what we're seeing context is a two-way street context is a two-way street first we've got to understand the conditions and settings of the children impacted by developmental trauma domestic violence parental addiction community violence, race these shape our kids we require our empathy our validation and our compassion not excuses it is demeaning to kids to make excuses for them and to lower expectations it is demeaning to them not excuses but an awareness that relational wounds and betrayal our children experience compels right action on our part it requires that we make relational deposits with kids coming from homes or we suspect there's trauma the context of trauma requires that we need to mend broken relationships in the trauma world we can talk a lot about what trauma does to kids it essentially destroys relationships and essentially our job is to fix that once our children feel more connected to us once our students feel more connected more understood we can hold them more accountable we can more effectively raise expectations and we can more sustainably build resilience second we're obligated to think critically about the context of our schools our classrooms our counseling and principals offices ball fields tech centers do these kids feel safe caring and respectful in our settings does our workforce feel safe caring and respectful in our settings are the settings warm and welcoming are we using restorative practices are we using restorative practices to welcome celebrate influence problem solve and address harm are we teaching kids to participate and not be bystanders in our school community is stress in your school community property is stress community property and the responsibility of everybody to moderate or if it's not community property it's not the responsibility of everybody in your setting and stress reduction might be considered private conduct and if it's considered private conduct it is vulnerable to the rules of the haves and the have nots resilience is contextual we have to fight against this individualistic notion that resilience is something that resides inside a kid when it is largely dependent on the resources and access to the resources that's what makes our kids strong there are some natural innate but it's more about resources and access to resources when kids are successful it's because their communities help them be successful resilience is contextual I've had an incredible privilege in the last and I've worked around a five weeks for 22 years now but in the last eight years I've had the incredible privilege of coming to a lot of your schools about 137 of them in the last eight or nine years one thing I've noticed about your school every school I've been in it's this you are resource rich at least one area you're resource rich at least one area the textbooks might be old but every school that I've been in every school has a wealth of positive adult relationships available to kids you have unimaginable resources unimaginable riches the connections you provide to our kids now mental health, ECF doctors, law enforcement we certainly have to be partners with you in schools but the reality is the cavalry's not coming the cavalry's not coming mental health has a piece state federal grants have a piece but most every school has existing human capital necessary for resilience if you optimize relationships and maximize connections at all levels talk about that in a second if you optimize and maximize relationships at all levels of your school many of you have a resilience jug or not and unhealthy kids are going to heal two concrete skills that enhance two concrete skills first is the tool of perspective we're seeing the same thing slightly differently people that have evolving practices in the trauma informed world people with evolving practices they actually see the world and see kids from a trauma history as if they're looking through a kaleidoscope imagine that you're looking through a kaleidoscope right now imagine that you have a kaleidoscope that's fixed on one of those students who struggles a lot you suspect comes from a background of trauma if you never turn the kaleidoscope it remains in a fixed position and you always see the same kid a disruptive kid a lazy kid an explosive kid an attention-seeking kid however if you turn that kaleidoscope you see it you see something different a different version of the same kid that's perspective when you alter your perspective when you see a kid slightly differently that actually breeds connection it opens the door for empathy and it enables us in the words of Stephen King it enables us to see an old thing in a new and vivid way I spent a career working with kids that are abused neglected to crime exposed to domestic violence racism, community violence 35 years in children who are abused are neglected chronically injured by adults they have an intense longing to belong they really long to belong to something when you have perspective about what you're seeing flexible and you embrace complexity a kid feels it they know it they trust that you understand how complicated their lives are it enhances connections and it breeds accountability limits and consequences they work a lot better when a kid feels understood second contextual thinking context, context, context context improves when we understand and use proximity proximity is the emotional or physical or psychological position we take with a kid with a family with somebody on our workforce being intentional about your proximity to a student or her family or a staff member to tell her to what you're seeing it helps combat the black and white view that we often have proximity to have multiple speeds if you remain very close and intense with a student coming from a trauma background you do have the capacity to feel it to live into it to live into that experience with the kid that provides great information however too much closeness too close proximity that's unbalancing it's consuming it's distorting and it's overwhelming if you remain too close to the intensity that we have to deal with on a regular basis you're going to burn out you're going to fatigue you're going to experience compassion fatigue or vicarious trauma family therapy reclinicians we're taught to be like a five-speed manual car when it comes to proximity have five speeds have multiple speeds you have more capacity in first gear we'll call it you need capacity for first gear close intense affective to rev high to actually feel what it's like to be in the family more distance matter of fact there are rewards and risks of each speed that we should have in terms of proximity with our clients and our students contextual thinking is kind thinking contextual thinking is kind thinking and it functions as a bridge to relationally impoverished people think about context as a relational olive branch for human connection now taking the last term here if you and I have worked recently together or if I have the privilege of working with you in the future I'm going to ask you about your stress I need to know about your stress I need to know about the full spectrum of your stress experience as leaders in the first meeting that I have with leadership teams around the state I ask about stress load of the leaders I get some fan I get some fascinating answers from your people I ask I ask because I'm an empathic person your stress matters to me more fundamentally though I'm asking because when you acknowledge as a leader when you acknowledge and your stress matters to me when you acknowledge and you share and address stress at a leadership level your courage is going to be rewarded as a person as a leader and as part of the team stress is more than just a reality of our jobs it seems to be in the DNA of our work with kids not talking about your stress not talking about your stress is simply a barrier to good leadership you will never maximize yourself as a leader if you're not talking about stress at work avoidance is never a solution talk to a mental health provider we know the consequences of avoidance on human beings when we bring stress right into the room when we bring stress right into the room leadership teams and we tap into the rich reserves of your self-compassion we awaken a level of self-awareness to you we acknowledge together our suffering and our hardships in working with kids and families this is not an act of selfishness voyeurism therapy or self-indulgence it's a powerful act of altruism in compassion and social justice vulnerability is a prerequisite for progress and change and creativity vulnerability is a prerequisite for change progress and creativity we are simply better professionals we're better partners we're better friends we're better leaders we're better colleagues when we understand and not deny our shared experience of stress at work it's a pretty simple formula the context of our work as leaders or we squander a lot of time dealing with the consequences the context of our work as leaders the context of our work as leaders has to change and along with it the armor selflessness and ego that has fed many of us martyrdom is too costly personally and organizationally and I was educated on the model of non self-disclosure I always talk to be really cautious about my personal information at work I have abided by that ethos for 35 years with my clients with the people I supervise and even most of my colleagues schools are my clients and my colleagues these days and I still believe in those boundaries I began to feel it was disingenuous I thought it was disingenuous of me to talk about trauma and metaphors and messages without challenging myself without altering my own context three years ago it felt like I got my teeth kicked in the best I can tell and in the absence of any medical evidence to the contrary I have a disease that resulted from toxic stress I knew about the ACE study even before it came out most of us with early childhood adversity we were living the consequences anyway I knew I knew that I worked with kids partially because I had great sensitivity to suffering when you connect with your own suffering as a leader when you connect with your own suffering and hardship you'll connect better with others getting sick getting sick put stress kind of blindingly right in my windshield I was in and out of the hospital three times in four months for a guy with a pretty solid ego about my health I was some nasty crow to eat I was nasty crow to eat this disease my disease put me into intimate contact with sufferers again with the consequences of stress within that first year that first year 2016 to 2017 I went from why me to why not me you know after all we all know that shit happens I had a reclaim that one my disease has been a wicked and compelling teacher I've doubled down on decreasing my own stress and I've painfully reflected on my own neglect of addressing this for years I'm trying to make sure that this doesn't happen I'm working to make sure that this doesn't happen to you I'm working to make sure that you're not hurt disabled or hardened and that our colleagues in DCF mental health and law enforcement will make themselves the object of conversation a little bit more my well-being in fact our well-being I think our well-being is an act of altruism and social justice I'm a better husband I'm a better father I'm a better social worker I'm a better colleague because of it my well-being is an act of altruism and social justice and so is yours kids need us we have to see suffering and the best behaviors that we deal with when we do when we see the suffering in ourselves and in our kids and our families and our workforce connections will flourish and when connections improve I think we can do anything suffering share suffering minimized trauma transformation trauma transformation requires that we disrupt and challenge conventional views and the simple math that we use to explain complex problems bad eggs, bad apples black sheep hell-raiser, smead kids we have to disrupt our notion we have to disrupt our notion that principles and leaders are dispensable and can be chewed up and spit out onto the next district I wasn't just a broken part lying on a gurney I was a tough, independent moody, passionate, grieving prideful man whose world just collapsed I didn't need a damn therapist I was going to say I didn't need a damn therapist but what I wrote was I didn't need a therapist so perhaps my anger requires that I need a therapist let me take that again I didn't need a therapist trust me, I didn't need a therapist I needed a professional to let some understanding of context what this disease was doing to me in my family, a mechanic who understands context I think we need to disrupt the AOE's well-intentioned pressure on schools as this often runs in conflict with trauma-informed schools our workforce but our workforce some of us included we need help in thinking differently and seeing things differently and believing things differently we have to end the obsession with what to do we've got to end that obsession with what to do until we have a workforce that understands what they're seeing every time you and I interact with trauma we have an opportunity to affect what we're seeing and we have an opportunity to affect those we are seeing we transform trauma when we follow the what is words of Brene Brown who asks us to take a hard look at the stories we're telling ourselves the stories that we are telling ourselves about people exposed to trauma about our own work habits and about our own practices what stories are we telling ourselves what stories are we telling ourselves this self-examination this reflective practice is the responsibility of our professions humility is a key ingredient to change how are you understanding trauma your own or other people's what's your lens what are you missing what do you think you're seeing and is that your privilege talking what stories are you telling yourself about people exposed to trauma as I reflect on my health crisis how I was made how it was made more painful by some of the very people charged to help me I've asked myself those same questions a lot my life man my life is a measurably safer more secure more resource and most of the trauma exposed people that I work with I have a terrific life two fantastic kids an amazing inner circle of colleagues and friends I have a disease that floored me and a disease that's a remarkable feature there have been times for me there have been times that I didn't know whether the disease or my shame, fear and critical self-examination was going to defeat me first today today, like every day for the rest of my life I have to take medicine that's still bruising to my ego damaging to my soul today and every day for the rest of my life it's my daily dose of humility and I'm not so sure that's bad for me