 The Jack Benny Program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. Get better taste today. Friends, smoking enjoyment depends on taste, and taste alone. Yes, in a cigarette, it's the taste that makes the difference. And you can taste the difference in a Lucky Strike. So mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh, with better taste in every puff. Yes, Lucky's taste better. And here's why. First, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine mild tobacco that tastes better. There's no substitute for fine tobacco, and don't let anybody tell you different. Second, Lucky's are made to taste better. In fact, they're the best made of all five principal brands. Yes, that's a fact, established by tests, measuring those important factors of workmanship that affect the taste of cigarettes. Tests made in the research laboratory of the American Tobacco Company, and verified by leading independent laboratory consultants. So remember, your smoking enjoyment depends on taste, and taste alone. And you'll find Lucky's taste better. Always so mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh, with better taste in every puff. Make your next carton, Lucky Strike. Be happy, go Lucky, go Lucky Strike today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, now known. Well, ladies and gentlemen, last night Jack Benny returned from his trip to New York. As we look in on him, he's going through his clothes closet and picking out some suits to send to the cleaners. Let's see, I'll send this blue one, maybe the gray one. I wore that a couple of times in New York. Yeah, it better be cleaned. It's got lipstick all over the lapel. Gee, those subways are crowded. Oh, Rochester, Rochester. You call me, boss? Yes, send these suits to the cleaners, will you please? Yes, sir. Where have you been for the past hour? I've been straightening up my room. Oh. And I've been mean to talk to you about my room for a long time, boss. It's getting kind of shabby, and I think it's time it was fixed up a little. Fixed up? Yeah, we should come take a look at it. Okay, come on. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. No, I'm not. My room is so old-fashioned. Oh, stop exaggerating. Every time you want something done, you make a big thing out of it. There, boss, take a look for yourself. Rochester's so dark in your room, I can't see a thing. Wait a minute, I'll light the gas. Yeah. Let's see now. It doesn't look. Rochester, you left your pajama pants on the floor. Oh, yeah, I'll hang them up. Those are just the pants. What'd you do with the tops? Topps. You ought to know I don't wear them. I ought to know why. Don't you remember the ad I answered when I first came to work for you? No, what did the ad say? Wanted. Valid who only wears bottom of pajamas to work for gentlemen who only wears tops. Oh, yes, we've split about six pairs since then, haven't we? Now, let's see. Rochester, your room doesn't look so bad. What do you think you'd need? Well, I thought I'd like to have Venetian blinds. Why do you want Venetian blinds? I don't want anybody to know I ain't got a window. Oh, stop. It'll make you happy. I'll have them paint a window on your wall. Have them painted clothes. I don't want to get clothes. All right, I will, I will. I'll get it, boss. All right, Chester. Oh, come on in, Miss Livingston. Welcome back from New York. Well, thank you. Say, you look kind of happy today. I am, Mr. Benny's going to redecorate my room. Oh, that's nice. Say, Miss Livingston, maybe you can tell me something. Every room in this house has electricity in it, but the service room. Why does that room have gas? Well, it was done for convenience. Convenience? Yes, anybody that works for Mr. Benny eventually wants to kill himself. Mr. Rochester. It's me, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. What are you doing over here? Well, I just got a special livery letter from Mama with some exciting news. Oh, a letter from your mother, eh? Well, what does the hostess on the shrimp boat have to say? I'll read it to you. Go ahead. My darling daughter, Mary. I know you'll be surprised getting this letter so soon after having been here, but I have news. Your sister, Babe, is coming out to visit you. Babe, say, that's wonderful news. No, it isn't. Listen to the rest of the letter. Mary, the reason Babe is coming out to California is to get away from here in all the sad memories. Her boyfriend, Wilbur, is gone and he met a very sad end. He worked for a brewery and fell into a vat of beer. They saved him from drowning in the beer, but he died from pneumonia, which he caught from everybody trying to blow the foam off him. Oh, that's a shame. This next paragraph's about you. About me? Yes. Tell Jack that after he spent the night here, we found that he'd left his toupee and his toothbrush, so we're mailing them to him. The one with the handle is the toothbrush. As if I wouldn't know. Mary, ask your mother if she can... Come in. Oh, hello, Jack, Mary. Don, you're up. You're well. Gee, it's good to see you again, Don. Oh, thanks. So you're finally over your nervous breakdown. Yes, Mary. The third psychiatrist I went to cured me. The third psychiatrist? What was wrong with the first two? Their couches broke. What'd you come by for, Don? Well, I called the sportsman's quartet and I was told that they were over here. Yes, Don, and this time for our show, I had them prepare a song. Oh, you did? Yes, Don. You see, when you made your mistake on my TV show and you said, be lucky, go happy, instead of be happy, go lucky, I wanted to make sure that you never make that mistake again. So I had the quartet prepare a number in which they give you excellent advice. Oh, boys, boys. Now sit down, Don. Now listen to this carefully. Take it, fellows. Be happy, go lucky. Remember, be happy must come first and then comes go lucky. You must get this slogan right. You see, if not, you'll wake up at NBC. So don't forget who you stood here at this mic and did the commercial that you like. You want to stay with lucky strides. Now boys, boys, now tell Don how we'll all feel if he makes a mistake again. We'll be missing you always someone new for just L.S., not for just M.F., not for just F.T., not for just M.F.T. Well, Don, what did you think of that? Jack, that was excellent advice and I'm accepting it in the spirit in which it was given. Good, good. Well, I better be running along now. Come on, fellows. So long, Don. So long, Jack. You know, Jack, it's good to see Don completely recovered. It sure is. Excuse me, Mr. Benny. What is it, Rochester? The clear just came and picked up your gray suit and he told me to congratulate you. Congratulate? Oh, I got that in the subway. Now... You know, Mary, I've been thinking about your mother's letter. It'll be nice company for you having your sister Babe stay with you. Yes, and while she's here, Jack, I wish it'd be kind of nice to her. You know, she's peeved at you for saying all those awful things about her on the radio. Oh, well, I'll make it up to her. The first day that she comes, I'll have her over for dinner. I have Rochester make something special. What does she like? She likes most everything, but she's especially fond of meat. Well, I'll broise some steaks, Miss Livingston. How does your sister like her meat cooked? I don't know. She's never had it that way. Look, Mary, you told me not to... Excuse me. Hello? Hiya, Jackson. I called to see if I could miss tomorrow's rehearsal. Tomorrow's rehearsal? Yeah, I'm gonna have a tooth pull, that upper molar that has the bridge at that stood. Oh, that's too bad. When did the tooth start hurting you? 1935. 1935. That was 17 years ago. Why didn't you have it pulled out then? Because a fellow told me I could ease the pain by holding a mouth full of bourbon. Oh, did it work? Gloriously. But, Phil, how did you hold whiskey in your mouth for 17 years? I didn't hold it, Jackson. I just let it flow under the bridge. Well, okay, Phil. I guess you're gonna miss rehearsal. Goodbye. So long, Dad. Oh, say, Phil. Yeah, yeah. I want to ask a little favor of you. My sponsor may be in town to see the show Sunday, but I'd like everything to be as dignified as possible. Oh, what about it? Well, please speak to Sammy, your drummer, and ask him to take the silhouette of that bathing beauty off of his bass drum. That ain't no silhouette. It isn't? No, there's a midget inside there. Well, get her out of there. All right, all right. So long, Buster. Goodbye, goodbye. You know, Mary, that Phil, that Phil really is a character. You can say that again, Jack. Yeah, say it again, Mr. Benny. Dennis, when'd you come in? While you were talking on the phone. Oh. I came over to see if you let me use your piano to rehearse my song. I guess so. But, Dennis, you have a piano at home. I know, but I can't get in my house. It's quarantine on account of smallpox. Oh, smallpox? Oh, that's awful. Who's got it? Me. What? Well, Dennis, you look fine. What makes you think you have smallpox? Well, it must be me. My mother and father hung a quarantine sign in front of our house, and they haven't got it. Dennis, look it. I've got news for you. There's no smallpox in your house. Your parents are just trying to get rid of you. Oh. Well, if they're trying to get rid of me, why don't they do it in the usual way? Well, what's the usual way? Well, they start a game of blind man's buff, and while I'm it, they move. Look, Dennis, you can't blame your mother and father for wanting to get away from you occasionally. You drive people nuts with your silly talk. Why do you act this way? Well, I have a good excuse. Once while my mother was bathing me, she dropped me on my head. When you were a baby? No, last week. You had to ask him, Mary. I was going to leave it alone. You had to ask. Dennis, my piano's over there. Rehearse your song and go already. Yes, sir. Okay. It's no secret. Dennis, you sang that very well, but then why shouldn't you? You have such a wonderful voice, and it's such a beautiful song. Whatever happened to that lousy song you wrote? You went all the way to New York to try to get it published. What an awful thing that is. You say I beg your pardon, but then I'll come back to you. Dennis, be quiet. Huh? When I came back from New York, I called you and everybody else and told him not to ask Jack about this song. Mary, Mary, you... you called everybody? Yes, Jack. I know how sensitive you are about what happened in New York, and I didn't want anyone to hurt your feelings. Well, I appreciate your thoughtfulness, Mary, but you didn't have to do that. Just because I was unlucky in New York has no reflection on my song. I mean, even if they didn't want to publish it, the public loves it. I'm more popular than that song, and I've got smallpox. You have not. And Dennis, please, leave me alone. Go already. But I can't get in my house. Just get out of mine. Now go, go. Come on, Dennis. Let's leave Jack alone. I'll drive you home. Okay, goodbye, Mr. Benny. Bye, Jack. Goodbye, goodbye. Smart aleck kid. What does he know about songs? Mine has beautiful lyrics. Like the swallows at Serangles. Return to Capistrad. Oh, and here, I'm still tired from that trip. I think I'll go to bed. Come here going upstairs, Mr. Benny. I'm a little tired, so I'm going to turn in early. Well, I'll come up and make the bed for you. Okay. By the way, boys, I haven't had a chance to tell you, but I'm sorry your song was turned down in New York. Well, I guess. Wait a minute, Rochester. I haven't mentioned a word about it to you. How'd you know my song was turned down? When you got off the train, you were crying. Well... I haven't seen you so upset since the bank holiday in 1933. Never mind. See, these shoes are tough to get off. Here's your pajama tops. Thanks. Wow, look at the color of them. Bright purple. See, the bed feels good. Are you going to read a while? No, no, Rochester. Turn out the light, please. Yes, sir. Good night. Good night, Rochester. Oh, boy, I'm sure tired. That trip to New York took a lot out of me. I'll feel better after a good night's sleep. I've still got a lot of faith in my song. Those 378 publishers I went to could be wrong. That song will be a classic someday. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. When you ask me to forgive you while return, like the swallow. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. There is quite a bit of excitement here tonight as the entire musical world gathers for the opening performance of the New York Symphony Orchestra here at Carnegie Hall. Gee, gee, I'm at Carnegie Hall. Yes, this is a night that will long live in the memory of music lovers the world over, for it will witness the premiere performance of that classical composition. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. That's my song. My song. The New York Symphony is going to play my song. However, before the conductor ascends the podium, we have a few minutes which I will use to describe the scene to you. This vast hall resembles a who's who of the music world. The seats are filled with such famous personages as Arturo Toscanini, Sir Thomas Beecham, and Andre Castellon, it's in the first row. In the second row, I see Alfred Wallenstein and Yosha Heifetz. Sitting on an aisle seat, I see Artur Rubenstein. And sitting under an aisle seat is Phil Harris. We'll try to interview him. Ah, yes, I have caught his attention. He is coming this way. I'll see if I can get him to say a few words. Oh, Maestro, Maestro Harris. What is it, Clyden? Maestro, I understand that you are an associate of the composer we're honoring tonight. Yeah, that's right. Everybody associated with him is here tonight. That is everybody except Dennis Day. Oh, and tell me, Maestro, why isn't Mr. Day here? He couldn't come. His house is guaranteed. That's quarantine! Stupid Maestro. Maestro Harris is going back to his seat with a big smile for everyone. Why shouldn't he smile? He's got the happiest teeth in town. Ladies and gentlemen, we're quite fortunate another of the composers associates, Miss Mary Livingston is here. I'll see if I can interview her. Miss Livingston, Miss Livingston. Yes? Did you come all the way from California to hear this concert? Here, I was visiting my family in Plainfield, New Jersey. Oh, yes, your family has a farm there. That's right. Is it a large farm? Oh, just average. 60 chickens, 12 pigs, and four and a half cows. Four and a half cows? My sister Babe loves meat. Oh, I hope Babe ate the front half so they can still milk it. And now ascending the podium is the head of New York's largest musical publishing company, Mr. Martin Jones. Oh, wait a minute. Mr. Jones is acting peculiar. He's taken a revolver from his pocket. He's ascending the podium. He is holding the pistol to his head. He's about to say something. I'm killing myself because I turned down this wonderful song. Oh! Mr. Martin Jones. Mr. Jones has descended the podium. And now the great moment has arrived. The lights dim and a hush falls over the audience as Sergei Dimitrikov, the maestro, who will conduct tonight, ascends the podium. He wraps his baton and the orchestra starts tuning up. This is a strange thing. The silhouette on the bass drum is dancing. And Sammy never got her out of there. And now the maestro is turning to the audience. He is about to speak. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sergei Dimitrikov. How do you do? And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's my extreme pleasure to introduce the famous composer of that wonderful song when you say I beg your pardon, then I'm coming back to you. And here he is, Mr. Gigbeni. Gigbeni. Gigbeni. That's me. That's me ascending the podium. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Benny looks distinguished in those gray spats, striped pants, spiked tie and purple pajama top. Where did I get the striped pants? Mr. Benny is going to honor this audience tonight by joining the orchestra as first violinist. The conductor is commanding the attention of the entire ensemble. All eyes are on him, and those are the silhouette. He raises his baton, and now, ladies and gentlemen, the orchestra plays. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. Friends, whenever you want the smooth, mellow, completely enjoyable taste of truly fine tobacco, reach for a lucky. For the difference between just smoking and really enjoying your smoke is the taste of a cigarette. And luckies taste better. For two important reasons. First, LSMFT. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Fine mild tobacco that tastes better. There's no substitute for fine tobacco and don't let anybody tell you different. Second, luckies are made to taste better. In fact, they're the best made of all five principal brands. Yes, you'll be happy when you go lucky because luckies taste better. So mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh with better taste in every puff. So next time you buy cigarettes, try a carton of luckies. You'll find luckies taste better. Be happy, go lucky, go lucky strike. Oh, hello, Rochester. Boss, I hate to wake you up. You had such a smile on your face, but it's time for dinner. Thanks, Rochester. I just had the most wonderful dream. I was told saying that if you put a wishbone under your pillow, your dreams will come true. A wishbone? Yes. Boss, by the way, what were you dreaming about? Well, I dreamt that the New York Symphony played my song. Well, there's no use killing the chicken just for that. I guess not. Good night, folks. If you buy a Lucky Strike product at the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to your hit parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday night presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newspaper for time and station. The Jacqueline program has been selected. There's one of the programs to be heard by our Armed Forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces radio service. Stay tuned for the Amazon Andy Show that follows immediately. That's right. This is the CBS Radio Network.