 My name is Mike Gray. I'm from Maine. I've lived in Maine my whole life. Right now I live in Lewiston. I just came in from the rain. I don't always look like I'm sweating profusely, but sometimes I do. About five to six years, I'm not counting 2020 because as far as my records show, it didn't exist, so I don't count that year. But yeah, about five or six. As my real life persona, I'm kind of quiet and I just kind of avoid people. But on stage I'm, say I'm angry. It's all the stuff that I can't say in real life. That's my stage persona. So, while I've had several worst gigs, one time I was at Panucci's in Concord, New Hampshire and I was on stage and it was a little stage barely raised up and the bathrooms were right next to the stage. And this guy came out, middle of one of my jokes just goes, you suck! And yeah, that happened a few times at that place. The best gigs I've had here at the Franco, right here at CBU. I've had some of my best ones. The Shaskine, I've had some good ones. And yeah, typically don't write about anything unless it irritates me on some level. So if it's something that I find that is a contradiction or something I just don't like, or something with pop culture that I don't like, I'll start to just write it down. And I just start with a statement sometimes and then I just go from there and then I'll take all stuff out of it that I find funny and make a bit out of it. Yeah, Bill Hicks was the reason I started. And Doug Stanhope is one of my favorites. Jota Rosa lately has been one of my favorites and always Carlin, everybody loves Carlin and Bill Burr. And for Easter, yeah. Easter's one of my favorites because if you have a bunch of kids running around the party, I like to tell them there's Easter eggs hitting the woods. And see, my grandfather was a veteran so I guess I was born with this innate ability to read maps and apparently not everyone has because those kids don't always come back. I wouldn't have Easter any other way. I grew up in a small town a couple hours north of here called Carina. I don't know how many of you know Carina. Yeah, it's nothing to write about. But I grew up there and I didn't fit in as you can imagine because I looked like I fronted a Megadeth cover band, turned a magician or something. I'm not sure what my look is going for here. I couldn't go to town there. Every time I did I'd see this one guy and he would always have this rusted, shitty pickup and just tobacco spent all down his side door. He'd be revving up his engine, blaring country music out of it, impressing all the girls who wouldn't bang me because I'm too weird. And every time I saw that guy he'd have to roll his window down and go cut your hair back. That guy was my high school drama coach. That he was the most liberal dude in the whole town. I was just glad it wasn't my shop teacher because I have no idea what I would do. He'd probably just tie me up and drag me for a few miles. That's what you get for not liking Toby Keith and having a crew cut like the rest of us. That is horrible, man. And as if that wasn't bad enough, my mother is a Jehovah's Witness. Which, imagine how fun that sounds, right? Being raised in Jehovah's Witness, how fun that is. It's way worse. It's way worse than you could even, like if you had a really bad day, you woke up late and you're like, oh man, I gotta get dressed. I gotta walk the dog. I gotta get my coffee and then you get there and you mess up your coffee. And then you just choke it down because you need the caffeine. Then you get to work and you're late and you're just like, you know what, I'm not going to get lectured by my boss another time about being late. I'm just not going to go in. But you don't want to be a liar. So you just open your car door and you just smash your hand in it. And you're just repeatedly over and over again until you break every single bone in your hand. That's actually more fun than being raised as Jehovah's Witness. Because at least if I did that, I could go home and beat off with my good hand and not feel guilty. And I'm fun. I went to, we used to go on a vacation every year and I just went to Texas. And the second time I went to Texas, first time I was like two years old and I don't really remember it. And so we would get together every year, we'd get all our vacation stuff ready and then we would sit around and look at pictures of that vacation. That was our vacation for the next 15 to 20 years just talking about that vacation. My mother was always showing me pictures. Isn't this cool? You love them. I'm like, I'll take your word for it. I don't really remember any of it. Can we do this again maybe? Can we go back? I don't know, that's way out of the budget. But just having a child look like that, it's weird. My mom, despite all this, is proud of me. And she's like, you know, I'm really glad you never got into drugs. It's a wonder I didn't, mom. With this upbringing, you're lucky right now I'm not just like a porcupine with just heroin needles on my back. You're just so lucky I'm not that between her and dad because my dad was an alcoholic. I mean, he's 23 years sober now, but that's when he died. So technically he's been sober for 23 years. And that wasn't fun. That was weird. Because he would yell at the dogs every night. I don't know why. He would just always yell at the dogs. And he would take it personally when the dog wouldn't come to him. He'd be sitting there in his recliner like, look at this, look at this, Mike. Look at this dog. She's staring right at me. I'm calling her name and she's not coming to me. Just look at her. Just looking right at me, not coming to me when I call her. Dad, the dog's deaf. She's not going to come to you. She can't hear you. She literally can't hear you. And then I bring friends over and that was a treat because he'd be giving me drunken life advice. I don't know if it's the best or the worst advice. It's entertaining, but it's not going to go anywhere. You could do anything you put your mind to, you know that. You could be anything you want to be. You just think really hard like you read the secret and he's drunkenly explaining the secret to me. You can do anything you want. You just put your mind to it. Well, you're putting your mind to piss and all over yourself. My friend and I are going to go outside and hit each other with sticks because there's nothing else to do in this town. And my friends were always like, dude, is your dad drunk? You mean your dad's sober? Wait, so your dad doesn't get drunk and you have the dogs every night for no goddamn reason? What kind of utopia do you live in? And do you have a spare bedroom? I think it's 222 now. And I think sometimes science has given us things that we don't need and nobody ever asked for. Is anyone else getting that from science? Because they've been talking about increasing the longevity of human life and they're saying we could see ages of up to 150 years. 150 years old. First of all, they're saying that like it's a good thing. And if that were the case, the age of retirement would be like 108. And if you wouldn't age gracefully, no matter how much they say 60 is the new 40. Well, even if 90 is the new 70, you're not going to want to work for another 18 years. You're probably going to age like a normal 90-year-old now and that's it. You're just going to be stuck like that for 60 years. 60 years, oh man, I can't get around like I used to. 60 years like, oh, my knee's swimming up again. I think we must have a storm coming in. 60 years just like that. That means you'd be middle-aged at 70. You want to have that mid-life crisis? You wanted to buy a Corvette or a Bolt impulsively. You're going to your 70 now. You want to run off with that hot 60-year-old? You've got to wait till you're 70 now. Can't do that. I don't want to be middle-aged when I'm 70. I want to be on debt's door when I'm 70. I want to have one foot in the grave with nicotine reaching for the other foot and depression behind me with a shovel. That's where I want to be at 70. Sounds like a good life to me. One thing science gave us is NASA. And I like astronomy. I think astronomy is really interesting. It's cool. It's wild physics and all that. I love learning about it. But it also doesn't really... NASA, what have they done? What their latest excursion was? They shot a rocket at a meteor to just crash it on the meteor. For no apparent reason, the meteor wasn't heading towards us. Just how many millions did we have to spend so some nerds could target practice? That's my question in all this. And besides, you know what NASA was? How it started? It was just dick-waving at the Russians. That's all it was, the whole thing. Like, oh, hey, were you getting over there, Ivan? Oh, you got Sputnik, cool. We got satellites, too, actually. Yeah, we made it to the moon first. Did you know that? We made it to the moon before you did. We're actually looking at Mars now, too. So, suck on that, Ivan. Now that I've thoroughly depressed you, I want to bring up our first comic of the night. And this guy's awesome. I've worked with him several times. He's very funny. He once opened for the late Gilbert Godfrey. Very, very funny guy. Please welcome Nick Dufault. Hey, I'm Nick Dufault from Louis Domain. Actually, it is my four-year anniversary today. I had my graduation show, took an adult dead stand-up comedy class in April of 2018. So it's four years today. I think it's pretty close. I'm pretty self-deprecating. Probably some more on that later. But definitely a self-deprecating comic. I like to have fun and make fun of myself. So I would say it's pretty close to who I am off the stage as well. My favorite gig by far, it's kind of timely with the recent passing of Gilbert Godfrey, my favorite comic, got to open for him two years ago in January of 2020 in Rumford at 49th Franklin. So that was amazing. Got to chat with him a bit. And he's such a cool character. And I love, love his act. And he's really going to be missed by everybody. As far as probably one of my worst gigs, there was a brewery show up north that I just really didn't hit at all. And just, you know, if you can't take a bomb in comedy, you better get out now, because it's going to happen to everybody. And I'll have many more, but definitely just was not fun. And my best friend that was there with me said that he saw me quit during my set about three different times. So I quit comedy. Rathbroot Underground. Good evening. Mike said he looked like he fronted a Megadeth cover band. He looked like if the front man of Backstreet Boys didn't give a shit about his appearance. A lot less edgy. So we're going to just get right to it. As Mike said, my name is Nick, and home Nick likes to say some things that are edgy or a little risque, but work Nick wouldn't do that. See, I enjoy having a job, and I try to keep it pretty PC at work as a result. I had a good friend at work, and she and I joke around a lot. And I remember one time in particular, I went to visit her in the office and she had a breakfast muffin on her desk. And I remember work Nick thinking in his head how funny it would be to randomly walk up and squash her breakfast against the desk to get a reaction out of her. But what home Nick said out loud to her was so what would you do if I just went down on your muffin right now? Another time we had a plot lock at work and somebody had made some potato salad that I wanted to try. But there weren't any serving spoons for it. So I remember work Nick thinking in his head how the hell are we supposed to eat this? Am I supposed to eat it with my hands? But what home Nick said out loud to his female coworker was so what are we doing? Finger in this? I just don't learn. Another girl at work was telling me how she'd just come back from having a baby. She said a little later on in the conversation that she was getting ready to go do the mom thing. And it's in me I'm thinking oh, that's nice. She's at the end of her shift and she's going home to be with her kids. So I say enjoy that. She then gets a super disgusted look on her face. The mom thing that she was referring to was that she was going to pump. Now that I've got over the embarrassment I can't look at a glass of milk the same way. Every time I see one I'm the one that gets all pumped up you guys. Oh it's crazy. A lot of people are badass. I am not a badass or I am in my own right. And I have a lot of trouble with my feet so while my badass friends are busy trying to figure out which tattoo they're going to get next I'm busy trying to figure out which toenail I'm getting removed next. I'm addicted what can I say? Once you get one done badass is smoked pot. I have never smoked pot. And for the last 15 years when I go to my cousins for birthday parties I've thought he's had a skunk infestation in his house. I've given him an orc and gift card for Christmas as long as I can remember and the bastards never seem to appreciate it. I never knew why. My cousins always just like Why do you keep giving this to me? What am I supposed to do with it? It's just not going well for me. I went to visit my best friend and his wife right before she had a baby and I haven't been around a lot of pregnant women. I mean shocker, look at me. And I was pretty interested to hear what she was having to go through and I said to her never mind a whole new wardrobe you must need to buy a new coat when you're pregnant and everything. She says, yeah, I do need to buy a new coat when I'm pregnant. I said, oh that's funny, I have to buy a new jacket every nine months to have one that fits too. Do you say a silent prayer in your head when you go to buckle your seatbelt out across your stomach? She goes, oh absolutely. Me too, twinsies. It's just not going well for me with the ladies so I've spent a fair amount of time in the strip clubs and one time I went to a strip club in St. Louis and we got right in there and a stripper came right over and tried to entice me into getting a lap dance. I should tell you guys that I wrote my senior thesis in college on human trafficking in the United States. So I engaged in the very flirty and light banter of making sure she wasn't stripping against her will. You know, foreplay. It's just, it's crazy. I just, like, I do not want to be responsible for shooting a hostage if you know what I mean. That's not me. Where I haven't had much luck with the ladies I also figured out that they have condoms have expiration dates printed on them. You guys realize that's just a suggestion, right? That's just like the best buy date on food. You can still eat it. It'll taste like shit, but it's not going to kill you. And as a young teenager I figured I should start keeping a condom in my wallet just in case. Now that condom held the same significance as the red foam that was used for diplomacy between the USSR and the United States during the Cold War. You've got to make sure you have it. But 99.9% of the time you're never going to need to use it. When I wrote this joke it's here that I would say it's as likely that I get laid as we go through a nuclear apocalypse. But given the recent events with Russia I think it's safe to say I'm getting fucking laid. It's just, it's crazy. I went on a trip with my brother to see the Bruins play in Minnesota for his birthday and we ended up in a bar in Minneapolis. We wound up drinking this shot called a duck fart which is Kalua, Baileys and Crown Royal and I got messed up. Surprisingly whatever else happened that night only comes back to me in bits and pieces. After a few duck farts I remember simply quacking at the bartender in order to signal for a new round. Wank, wank, wank. I remember ending up in a diner and screaming at them. What kind of a diner doesn't have corned beef hash? Next thing I knew I was miraculously back in my hotel bed and was awoken by my brother yelling at me for pissing in his suitcase during the night. In my defense Samsonite is super waterproof. First birthday I got my brother a new urinal. I mean suitcase. Sorry. I've learned that there are three things sure about life, death, taxes, and if you order mozzarella sticks at a restaurant no matter who you're with, everyone at the table knows exactly how many mozzarella sticks everyone else has had. As soon as the mat sticks at the table everyone is suddenly a mouth whizzly freaking rain man with the toothpicks. You know what I hate? American cheese. How is the worst cheese named out for the greatest country in the world? Granted, American cheese is a product of industry and innovation but get that the hell away from me. However, if American cheese is all you have, give it to me. I'll take it. This chubby guy's not about to eat a regular hamburger. I'm no terrorist you guys. I love spicy food. I love it a lot. But I feel like this whole craze is going way too far. Nowadays everything is either spicy or flame and hot. There's flame and hot mac and cheese. Flame and hot smart food popcorn. Even flame and hot onions. When does it end? I saw an ad the other day and they're like bump up your soluble fiber intake with new flame and hot metamucil. How about no? And you guys know you know the next commercial we're going to be seeing is a guy coming home to his wife and he'll be like baby I know you said you want to spice up things in the bedroom. Sorry guys this flame and hot popcorn. But don't worry because it's Cheetos flavored for her pleasure. Growing up as a kid if I would be out in public with my parents together and they would introduce me to someone new that new person would invariably say I look just like my mother. Well that's when my dad would always speak up and say I look just like him from the waist down. I guess genetics is absolutely the reason why I've always hated my father. As I've alluded to multiple times I haven't had a lot of luck with the ladies but I did almost get some action recently even though I didn't want it. My uncle has a 240 pound bold mastiff named Tank. I went with my dad to visit my uncle and I sat on the futon. I didn't think much of it when Tank chucked up on the futon and sat behind me but I then became exceedingly concerned when I felt his massive paws on my shoulders. I then turned around in time to see his manhood exposed or doghood I guess really alright. Looking like a big pink crayon or as my uncle would say in his main accent Tanky's big pink crane so I start yelling at my dad and uncle for them to get the dog away but to my dismay they're both watching this all unfold doubled over and laughter. Thankfully I was able to get away from Tanky before any real damage was done and he got what he wanted. After I escaped I started screaming at my dad and uncle, what the hell why wouldn't you help me why wouldn't you get them off and my dad goes we were not about to help that dog get off I have these preconceived notions in my head that I can't seem to get rid of like every time I see a guy with a neck tattoo I say to myself don't ever trust anyone with a neck tattoo I think we're good I chucked all of you like it could be Steve from Blue's Clues singing along with a children's song but suddenly put a neck tattoo on that guy and I'm convinced that he just shanked five people ah man growing up it also didn't take me very long to figure out that I wasn't going to be very tall I got pretty depressed by this fact thinking what real mark on the world has a short guy ever made and then I thought of my dad's first cousin who was a jockey and won the Kentucky Derby in 1970 thinking that's it problem solved I'll just carry on the family legacy of being a winning jockey and then I happened to google the average weight of a winning jockey and discovered it to be about 125 pounds and that dream of mine went out the window in third grade you guys I do have a pending appeal out with Churchill Downs though to see if they'll allow me to enter the race riding two horses at once so cross your fingers for me please I'm a 34 year old man and a 65 year old man's body I take metamucil everyday I have a handwritten list of everywhere I can use my dine around club card and I have to sleep upright or recliner if I eat dinner any time after 5pm it's okay though it's alright because I learned a long time ago guys that 70 plus is my age demographic with ladies and not only do they appreciate a guy that can bite corn directly off the cob they also like a guy they can stay awake for the entire hour the price is right so send me off to the show if you want to date bring your AARP card oh man it's just crazy I was on a puddle jumper plan I went to buckle my seatbelt across my waist and it wouldn't fit obviously I'm a big guy you guys can see that but I'm not that big and that's the first time that's ever happened so I'm not about to call attention to my corp and ask the flight attendant for a seatbelt so when the flight attendant does bring out you know go through the cabin bring out maybe a drink before we take off and she makes everybody buckle before we take off I hide my belt under my coat and this whole messed up situation got me thinking if this plane really does go down it won't matter like couldn't you guys see that news story another news flight 98 was forced to make a crash landing today thankfully 384 passengers on board were unharmed but one fat fuck that couldn't buckle his seatbelt well he died back to you that wouldn't happen I was granted a make-a-wish by make-a-wish ironically enough when I was about 3 years old and they sent me to Disney World with my family it's memories that I'll have forever and I'll always be grateful however if 3 year old me knew then what 34 year old me knows now I wouldn't wish for a trip to Disney World I would've wished for a good metabolism in a girlfriend if 13 year old me got the wish instead of 3 year old me I absolutely assure you I would've wished for a lifetime supply of Juergens lotion who am I kidding I'd wish for that right fucking now oh I've been having a real hard time getting out of bed in the morning lately and I've been thinking I should probably invest in an alarm clock that would motivate me to get up and I was thinking it would be real cool to get one that used celebrities like the alarm would go off and it would be Bill Clinton I do not need an alarm no baby I don't need one now I am always up hi or Barack Obama you got up late yesterday but there was hope today is a new day and you can change but you're gonna be late again or the late great Gilbert Gottfried man it feels weird saying that he'd be another good one what you're still in bed son of a or our old Swartzenegger he might be my favorite he'd have a few different alarms sleepy time is terminated you guys probably thought a lot of different things about me when I first got up here but I doubt cancun swimwear model ever came to anyone's mind well it's true I was in cancun and had just got out of the pool to go to the bathroom I had on a swim shirt in this hat and I'm walking back to the pool when I noticed this beautiful tall girl alongside me in a bikini I guess I was pretty oblivious to my surroundings I was just thinking what any guy in a bathing suit would be thinking at that moment don't get a chow and then I looked down and noticed her footwear and I'm like what the hell is this girl about to walk into the pool with stilettos only then did I realize I walked into the middle of a swimwear fashion show and my buddies were watching this all go down from the other end of the pool so I decided I need to play this off pretty quickly or I'm going to end up looking even more stupid so I get onto the pool steps and I strike a pose I was smiling with my eyes and I strut a little bit you're welcome for their benefit that's when my buddy yells from the other end of the crowded pool introducing the fall 2019 collection from Paddington Bear fucking jerk if not for him I definitely would have had a chance with that model girls love Paddington Bear thank you very much on Nickton Fall he's got to go somewhere else alright this next guy to the untrained eye kinda looks like me my name is Ian McDonald I did my first open mic in November of 2018 and then it was about 6 months before I really got into it I did it for about a year before everything shut down I'd say my personality on stage is it's an element of my my full personality maybe just exaggerated a little bit very low key I guess a little bit downplayed definitely a big fan of Steven Wright I don't necessarily try to emulate any one comedian in particular I've watched a lot of comedy my favorite comedian was Norman McDonald who sadly lost last year he's my favorite comedian but I do watch a lot of comedy I I try to sit and write every day if I can it's a little bit of a challenge for sure most of the material I come up with is something that I would maybe not be able to keep myself from saying in a conversation with someone and get a laugh and then write it down and edit it to a scenario where it's like you didn't have to be there necessarily to try and make it people I'm talking to in the room feel like they were there for that conversation I did an open mic at a church it was a regular open mic and so they let me do like 15 minutes I'd only been in comedy for a few months at that point and I got out of the house the one who was hosting it was actually Groning it was the things that I was saying I filmed all my sets and I have this on video but she was sitting right there and just like pounding on the table and just like Groning and it was pretty bad that was probably my worst one one of my things that I had was I think 265 people I lost ballet for comedy festival man's wicked funny laugh off contest I think was the name of it in 2021 that was a great experience thank you oh there's Trump that's starting upstairs my mind my name is Yed McDonald I recently became a homeowner under the name Gertrude Hollister saw a headline in the news the other day said Alec Baldwin shoots down all responsibility to the incident on the set of Rust I feel like they could have chosen some better words for that article I also saw an article that said 58% of Americans get their information about the conflict in Ukraine on social media platforms while 65% of Americans get their information from traditional news sources I'm personally just glad that 123% of Americans are paying attention to what's going on in the world I had a bunch of other topical material prepared for tonight but I accidentally ingested all of it if someone wanted to call voicing control be appreciated I did have some pretty good angles on some of them so I'm just glad I didn't think they were suppositories I'm not going to talk about the pandemic I know we all had a similar experience the first 16 months of that ordeal self-isolation in quarantine spending our time carving soapstone statues of friends and loved ones to keep us company at night making small leather saddles for rodent rodeo or the time that we tunneled under the neighbor's fence and yard in the dead of night to get to the barrels of sweet sweet cider fantastic Mr. Fox had some great ideas a friend of mine grew up in Lewiston right over by the country kitchen factory he said at night you could smell them baking bread I grew up in Auburn near Tambrands and at night you could smell them cooking the tampons not quite as buzzing for those of you that don't know the main state prison is located in Warren, Maine surrounded by the towns of Hope Union Friendship Friendship it's all very inspiring I had gone to visit recently everyone there was so friendly I do feel like maybe they were just after my pudding it's a nice place but I don't think I'd want to stay it's actually all I had prepared I was expecting more laughing three of my very good friends lost their apartment when their building burned to the ground at the beginning of 2020 and they stored the few belongings that they were able to salvage in my apartment during the first 16 months of the pandemic and it was really starting to smell like a campfire it's tragic silver lining though been wanting to move for a while and they had a lot less stuff to move I love my friends but I'm glad for their suffering one of them was actually so devastated that he was going to hang himself but he lost all the rope in the fire I am glad they survived three funerals would have been incredibly incredibly difficult to work into my hectic schedule the worst part about all of this is that it happened on February 29th of 2020 on a lean day so I can really only properly celebrate the anniversary every four years trying to get in shape and exercising a little bit more really working on my core I'm pretty happy with the results so far I'm still not able to do a handstand but I did find I could do this hand thing while standing here thanks I could keep it up all night my doctor really wants me to do so many reps though he says I'm way too energetic I should probably give them a rest I've been doing a lot of runs lately I like to wear a bathing suit for maximum chafing trying to eat better eating a lot more vegetables got a pretty funny look last week walking down Main Street with a pumpkin just gnawing on it I've been eating a lot more carrots really plowing down the carrots I did read that if you eat too many carrots and overdose on carrots and your skin will turn orange if that happens I'm just going to remove my shins and become a chocolatier I got a big salad at a restaurant recently it was called the Titanic I was really excited I wish I had read the menu a little bit closer came to the table I was really excited at cabbages and carrots and cucumber onion dug in there's a big piece of iceberg really sunken for me is anybody here trying to beyond meat anybody here trying to beyond meat one time did you like it? I was thinking about trying to beyond meat I don't know it seems kind of expensive and a little bit risky buying all that meat and just letting it go bad so I was thinking about maybe instead doing an all ox tail diet the tails just grow back so you don't have to feel guilty and if someone were to say ollie ollie oxen free pop that bad boy in a pen good to go set for life I may have missed my window of opportunity since 2021 was the year of the ox I've actually never tried ox tail but if it's anything like cow tails those things are delicious you guys want to see a few impersonations that's my cat when it comes across something it doesn't quite trust that is a spray bottle that a waitress was using at Burns Irish Pub in Brunswick, Maine on March 22nd, 2015 that's a screaming goat that's a motorcycle thanks I've been working on that one I feel like it's come along very nicely 8 hours a day really only get you so far I was talking to somebody about motorcycles recently this young guy he just got his license to drive a car as soon as I can I'm going to get my motorcycle license it's like oh really that's cool I like the idea of riding a motorcycle that seems very freeing I don't know it could be so freeing about clutching for dear life to a piece of moving machinery as you hurdle down the highway I don't know anybody here ever been out of state? I'll see I went out of state once I have a car in case you were wondering and I was driving down I-95 in case there was any confusion about that I don't know if anybody has noticed this before but there's a sign in New York that says Maine worth a visit, worth a lifetime and there's an 800 number so you can call Maine the person on the phone was really helpful she directed me to the Lost and Found and I was able to get my hat back so I do recommend checking out that sign the next time you're on your way out of state it's very very helpful I've never purchased a mattress or a bed because I've always had them gifted to me I guess I have that look like I need a bed no I had always had a futon I thought I was doing really well at life multi-tasking with a couch that turned into a bed turns out I was failing at life I had an uncomfortable couch that turned into an even less comfortable bed my parents got a divorce I was about 30 years old and you would think that given my age at the time it would have been easier to understand and process everything that was going on but it was actually pretty messed up because I understood everything that was going on I imagine they stayed together for the kids they wanted us to know how to be in a loveless relationship I am a drummer by day boom people are always telling me don't quit your day job and I say okay drums are really expensive drumsticks themselves started about $10 a pair a friend of mine suggested that I get a lathe to make my own and save money but I don't want people to think that I'm lazy any wine fans in the audience tonight a few people they say once you go peanut in water you never go blank thanks growing up my brother and I should have roam up until my sophomore year in high school we had bunk beds given that age one or the other of us each night would make the tower shake but I'm left handed and I'm right handed so every once in a while things would sink up and it would keep pretty stable he came out differently than I did he was delivered as a Sarian aluminum is the smallest amount of aloo that you can have I have to apologize for my energy level tonight I was up really late last night alphabetizing my t-shirts went to bed when I realized they were all t-shirts did anybody hear how many dreams I have to mean to I have a dream to some day saddle and ride a manatee I also have a dream to go to a buffalo sauce factory and watch them freshly squeeze the buffalo hahahaha if anybody would like to go with me just see me after the show I think it would be a good time on gas and tolls seriously I'm desperate for company my mom says I'm good at making friends but it's true the other day he was like nice hat I hadn't gotten it back yet before I go just like to share one last thought with you all so we have reached that time it is our last comedian of the evening I started with a bunch of guys I actually started with my buddy who's still doing it and he actually started about a year ahead of me and so yeah and I started I took a class of a workshop down at the Portland Comedy Connect my name is Tim Farrell real nice guy in 2003 I did this graduation show they do a graduation show at the end and I'm like I fucking killed it and I was like oh my god I really like this so you know you write five minutes of comedy and you go up and you do anything so really from that point on I started doing more and more and more gigs and then I and I just started doing it eventually I had your first bomb and you get on stage and you're like oh my god I'm so good and then all of a sudden the audience is quiet and you're like what the heck did I do that's just part of the business you got a bomb now and then but I've had some awesome shows over the last 19 years I really have some awesome shows I've done a lot of sold out shows I've done some some shows where there's just five people and they're all good you know I always think you just bring the best you got every time you go on stage you bring the best you got and you give the audience what they want I'm this but a lot more exaggerated I'm really kind of known from my brother face I do a lot of facial expressions and so when I do a show and there's really poor lighting you know half of my sense gone but it's uh most of the time you know there's really good lighting and stuff so my buddy Tim Farrell who's who's like my you know the mentor he he said Johnny you got a million dollar face use it so I just when he said that I was like oh my god that's exactly what I gotta do I kind of put on my main accent a little more when I'm on stage because it's just you know people want to hear it so I do it and I'm one of them comics that gives the audience what they want you know you just get out there and you just give them the funny bring the funny really bring the energy you know I see a lot of comics there's some comics that can just be up there and you're really quiet I'm just like a burst of energy when as soon as I get on stage which is who I am so I love doing that my best gig was chocolate church sold out shell they were filming and it was just 400 people it was just I was headlining actually there was another headliner before me that actually went on after me so I wasn't really the headliner but I was the headliner the guy that went before me should have been the headliner because he was really really good and he just killed it and so I went on after him I did pretty good but it was just so much fun we're a show I've ever done I did a I'm not sure if you remember Lucid Stage but the day before it closed they had they had one more comedy show there and they got that black box theater and it was really great and so I was like I can't wait to do this, never did it and I was painting this guy's house I said hey come on down this will be great, the place will be packed so I got in to do the show it was him, his wife their son and one other person four people and I did 45 minutes for four people it was pretty painful but they enjoyed it hi you guys everybody, you guys doing good? my friend now are you a sister to Brenda or just a friend? good to see you, what's your name? Beth, nice to meet you Beth how is everybody, you guys doing good? another big round of applause for all the comics you're showing check in all of you guys working hard hey guys, I got some friggin' Jordanian t-shirts Jordanian Frigginian t-shirts that's me if I sell 35 I might get back to Lourston tonight so anyway I got them all back if you don't want one, just friggin' walk right by me don't even look at me that's what people usually do buying one of them friggin' t-shirts there's no friggin' way I can't afford that $175 for a t-shirt that's crazy there's no friggin' way I'm buying one of them I got this friggin' t-shirt if you can buy that one that's $400 right there for that fucking thing right there $400 for that one going once, twice sold you want to buy it, sir oh my god feels good to do comedy again though I tell ya, it really does before the pandemic I was all over the friggin' state of Maine I called it the fid tour it was like rum fid bitter fid friggin' hannah fid little friggin' showman I was like friggin' check out these friggin' coconut I tell you all the bastards feel good tonight I feel good tonight I'm gonna go home and remove my wife's panties cause they got cuttin' into me wicked cases he's doing it like I'm out there I'm just getting out of my granny panties I do have a thong on though I feel like it's a corduroy thong it's a little chilly tonight you know the only problem with those corduroy thongs that makes that sound when you run in it's like friggin' weird oh no I got a big announcement to make for a huge announcement I just celebrated 34 friggin' years of sobriety which is really cool thank you thank you so much I gotta tell you thank god for part never gonna die I was sitting here going you know what I mean I don't smoke pot though I love crack though Jesus let's get some shit done on crack I'm not sure if people who do crack do that but I just I'm like you ever see somebody on crack I don't know it's kind of like dry humping I'm in a big bag dry humping I used to dry hump everything I'd be like hey I ain't no one just dry humping again that's friggin' big anyway oh my god look at that that is crazy down there it's a big friggin' hole you guys want to come over here we can do the rug again anyway I did just become a grandfather for the first time which is awesome yeah thank you my first grandchild little Horace Enoch Mason Coffin Ada little girl she's beautiful 25 pounds nine ounces no friggin' main girl she's friggin' round you know they say we all grow up to become our parents you ever hear that grow up to become your parents it's weird though because I got my mother's moustache and my dad's boobs I feel bad for my sister Todd I got my mother's moustache and my dad's penis which is kind of weird but it's all good it's all good sorry did I just spit a little bit I'm sorry that's gross that was just gross let me wipe that off here we go it's crazy though I got a cousin I got this cousin lost one of his friggin' thumbs in a chainsaw accident the only problem is he he hitchhikes everywhere he goes it's weird he got stuck on that friggin' roundabout down in Bath where I left two weeks he was down there friggin' roundabout friggin' weird where's my married people we got some married people in here married? nice how long you been married sir? since last August really? that's awesome August 14th so one year almost it's like six months that's really you guys still must do it then that's good you still doing it a lot really right that's great you ever go shopping with your wife? yeah you might not be married much longer than that I go shopping with my wife she's always like this don't touch that don't touch that put that back you can't eat that yet don't eat it yet and I'm like one of my friggin' three years old here for God's sakes I said if you can help me out of this shopping cart I'm gonna go sit in the cart we're down at the beach today it was like 50 out and we were like let's go to the beach we're down at the beach we heard this guy hollering to his daughter he was like Montana, Montana my wife looks at me and she goes when did that baby was conceived I said hey Charles Packalott 7-11 let's go where's vaccine where the heck vaccine go come on back to have you seen self checkout anywhere where the hell is he self checkout get over here I hit it at the self checkout what's the big deal a lot of you folks might think I look familiar just think of Benny Hill and Captain Kangaroo had a friggin' baby am I right who remembers Captain Kangaroo by applause we got some people that know Captain Kangaroo another Mr. Green jeans love Mr. Green jeans I never knew why they called them Mr. Green jeans because we had a black and white TV we finally got a color TV do you know what black and white TV yeah you had the rabbit day of antennas going up with the woman in four going across the middle and you actually get up out of your friggin' seat and go change the channel you know then you had the channel change it would break off eventually and you had to use a pair of ice grips right somebody took the ice grips you couldn't watch friggin' TV anymore everything changed one night when my brother early walked by the TV he's got a metal plate in his head right we got friggin' cable I couldn't believe it, that was awesome you guys don't like the friggin' handicap joke okay good to know wait it was the little one anyway, it was I love auctions I love you like auctions you know the only problem with the auctions that guy talks so fast right you ever hear him that he's like fuck that's a good deal it's even better than the friggin' old old main guy auction, you know, the guy at the Green Hall up in Frickin' Eustace, you know, he's up there, you know, he talks really slow, he's like, first item up for bid is this chest of drawers that I got from my grandfather when I was 14, and I refinished it, because it was out in the rain for almost two years, and I refinished it, and it's got a nice patina on it, let's start the pittin' out at $30, alright, how about $20, somebody gives me $30 when you take it off my hands, oh my God, anyway, new joke, okay, great, anyway, it's coming, it's coming, I'm like, how you doin', sir, good to see you, what's your name, Mike? How'd I know that? Wow, somebody told me your name was Mike, so you're taking drumming lessons from Ian, huh? How's it going? Is it? You like it? So if you always want to be a drummer, I really give a shit, don't you? I don't care, you can talk to me if you want, I'm not gonna say much, I don't really give a shit. Where are you from, Mike? I live in Bowden. Well, you're right up in my neck of the woods, I live in Bath, did you hear about the foxes up in Bath we had up there? The little fox probably had rabbit foxes, it was awful, I had one happen, they don't really, had like nine rabbit fox attacks, true story, and I was in front of my, I was at my shop one morning, and right out in front of my freaking house on Middle Street, right out in front of my freaking house, there was a freaking fox attack. I'm sitting there, I'm sitting in my shop and I hear this woman outside screaming at the top of her lungs. I go outside, swear to God, there's a woman out there, she's got a freaking fox by the throat going, oh my God, what do I do? So I went in the house for like three hours till the screaming stopped. I hope she's alright, I don't know. Holy crap, that was scary. I think I saved her life, but anyway, my wife's got this friend, she's got this friend on match dog, did you guys meet on match or anything? What did you guys meet? At a bar dance. At a bar dance, nice, was that freaking auctioneer there talking? I'd like to introduce you to him, this is August and it's hot, but if you want to marry him, I'm also a minister, and I can marry you right now if you want. We'll start the bidding off at $20. It's a wicked smile. A wicked smile. I can tell by looking at you, that's a wicked smile, that's awesome. My wife though, she's got this friend that she's met on match.com, right, match.com and she's been on match.com and she's been through like 80 freaking profiles, right, she can't find a freaking match. Finally she came up to the house in the day, so we had a guy that she comes up, she goes, I finally got a match. Turns out it was her freaking brother. I'm not shitting ya. They're going out now. They got a lot in common, same mother and father. It's great, they're doing great. So anyway, boy I like the music upstairs, huh? That's nice. Hopefully, you know, it's not too distracting. That's good, good music. Run it away, Johnny. Would you say you want to see more? If you say you want to see more. Oh, no, no. I'm trying to get in shape, but I am. I'm trying to get in shape. I'm trying to lift and weight some damn freaking things heavy, huh? You know what it is? I got to lay off the devil dogs. I really do. I love devil dogs. They're going to be the driest food on planet Earth, aren't they? Remember the devil dogs? They're like, I should have put them in a dry wall, right? I think they should have taken two devil dogs in front of Hurricane Katrina, but I sucked it right out. There's your hurricane right there in those two devil dogs. You're welcome. Oh, I don't know. I'm trying to get in shape, though. I'm trying to get in shape. I am, it's terrible. I don't like to brag, folks, but I was actually with my football team in high school. You have the football scholarship. You're in University of Phoenix online. And, uh, and now, I'm trying to get in the cap when they wouldn't freaking pick me. Bastards. I was trying to get the man boobs a little bit. You've got them, but I can see them from here. I've got six freaking man boobs. You're weird. I walked by a baby the other day. The baby goes, so I said it, right? My god, I was lactating, right? You know, save that one again. I don't know. Just had the prostrate check the other day. Had the prostrate check, Mike and all. Lately, prostrate, you know, the old thing. Yeah. I went in the other day. I went into the urinologist guy the other day, and he's like, oh god, there was another guy that was never done it before, an intern guy, and I'm like, oh, he says, can this guy have a turn for us? I'm like, are you shitting me? This is going to happen in price? I said, all right, 50 bucks. Do I gave him the 50 bucks? I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I don't need this shit. I don't need this shit. Anyway, took a CPI course the other day. What's my CPI, people? Anybody know CPI? You're getting right. For CPI, what they want to do now with the chest compressions, they want to sing the song, and what is it? They want to sing it live, right? It's like this. I'll stop, Brent. That's awkward. It just gets so friggin' awkward. It really does. It's terrible. She's hitting that gun. Please, Johnny, stop. I'd rather see you melding. Stop singing. Oh my god. I had a chance to use it till this guy was laying down right in front of me over in Bath at Maxwell's, and I'm like, oh my god, let me see if I can remember how to do this. I run over to him and I'm like, here we go. I'm bites the dust. Shit! I was like, I'm like, I'm in the wrong last lady one time. I'm not sure if I did it right because she's pregnant now, but it sucks. It's just gross, isn't it? I'm going to save the life and career of life on the same regular night, which is pretty cool. So I'm a house painter. That's what I do during the day. I'm a house painter. My logo has established 1983 quality since 1987. I put it out on the paper last week. It says, teeth and drivers license optional. Must be willing to work at least one friggin day a week, and I'll pick her up at your mother's house. I got 14 calls from the mothers, come get this bastard. He's drinking all my Ellen's coffee brandy. Smoking all my Paul Mauls. Not right. Get him to work. I'm like, I had a guy fall off a ladder a couple of years ago. Fell off a ladder. True story. Right on his back, 20 feet. He gets up, he goes, that's how you fall off a ladder. I'm going to show you once. True story. Thank God we were all drunk. That would have been horrible. It really would have been. So married people, married, you guys are still doing it. That's good. You ever practice the odd of seduction? You're a good, you just, you just don't say, I'm going to do it. Just go do it. I got two words that explains my sex life. It's called planned and organized. Every Wednesday is two o'clock. It's weird. It was a friggin, it was like a friggin Tuesday the other day. I said, I'm going to do it. She goes, what did you say, pervert? So we just started this hot dog stand in our house right right outside our house and we're sitting there trying to figure out what to name this friggin thing. My son, he goes, Dad, how about doggy style? I'm like, what? I said, where'd you see that? He goes, it was on the calendar. Wednesday is two o'clock. Doggy style. It was just weird. You can't say that. You're friggin three. You shouldn't know that word. So I got my wife and I actually have this little thing that we do when we make love. We put a dollar in a jar next to our bed to save up for our vacation or something nice. I'm proud to say folks, after 30 years of marriage, I'm going to be taking a trip to friggin Sabatas next week. See if there's somewhere I can spend that five bucks. What my wife doesn't know is I have my own little jar that I keep under the bed for myself. You'll know what I'm talking about in a while. Before you get back from Sabatas, I'm going to Cancun. Just saying. We're upstairs, right? We're upstairs just about ready to make love, you know? We call it making love now. You guys make love and you can do it. Gas car? I don't know, what would you say it is, huh? She's about ready to make love and she goes, you know what? We got to start having no contact sex. It's not what you guys would think. It's what she takes the contacts out. We're just about ready to do it the other day. She goes, you know what? Another thing. I don't want you to make that goddamn face anymore at the end. I'm like, what face? She goes, you know, this one. So the end comes. I'm sitting down like this. She goes, I'm at the other one. Oh my God. So I'm a man. Where's my man as my applause? We got some manas in here. We like watching TV a lot here in Maine. I love watching TV. I think that I have like, see your size of manas though. Don't you? Can't you see it this coming this Sunday? See your size of manas. One car, one cup, one tooth. Oh my God, Johnny. Looks like everybody in this house got the same DNA. You have the same DNA. What is this? Sabetas? What is Sabetas? Sabetas, that must be some kind of dental thing. Oh my God. I was playing Scrabble with his wicked mana friend of mine the other day. And he kept on coming up with words like, haul off on her. I was like, haul off on her. I said, haul off on her is not a frigging way. Then he put down, get off on it. Get off on it. It's like a frigging paragraph. You can't use it. Then he put it down, book it. I was like, all right, I'm looking this frigging thing up in the dictionary right now. Sure enough, there it was, book it. What you do after you haul off on her. That was crazy, man. So anybody like the Uncle Henry's or love the Uncle Henry's? Love that. Love the Uncle Henry's. Yes. You like the Uncle Henry's? Gene? Is it Gene? Yeah, Gene. I thought it sounds like maps. Gene, Beth, you know, this is not the walk of life. I wrote a few of them down there the other day. These are from Uncle Henry's Free for the Taken. Uncle Henry's Free for the Taken. Four tires, not bold, not much trade either. Claim gold named Larry. She's good with kids. 20 feet of rope. That's it. Jigsaw puzzle. Some pieces missing. Switten road bike. No front wheeler handlebars. Ride's good. Uncle Henry's Free for the Taken. Who's got dogs? Everybody got dogs? Oh yeah. What kind of dog do you got, bud? There's three pit bulls. Pit bulls? Pit bull lap, pit bull out, and pit bull fun. Pit bull roddy? Okay, so you like the really tough dogs? They're the black pack. They're the black pack. What's that mean? They're all black colored. They're all black colored? They're all black colored. There's three of them. So you're a dog owner. That's good though. That's awesome. Oh my god, don't those freaking things eat. Unbelievable. 25 ton bag of food every other day. It's awful. One of them came out and looked at me and he goes, are you going to take me out or am I going to shit in the house again? Oh, it's going to be a big one. Oh, the crap. Oh, it's bad, yeah. You got a lot of hair in your house from your dogs. Oh, they're all short hair. Oh, they're all short hair? I got half freaking covered in my house. We're always sneezing because of the hair. Don't people sneeze weird? How do you sneeze, huh? If you would have sneezed bad. I bet you sneeze like this. I bet you go, do you? Or you're a teacher, so you do this. I do this. Anyway, I was down at the mall the other day, this lady in front of me, she sneezed just like Donald Duck. She was like this. Can I get you? This way to God's book, she looks at me. She looks at me and she goes, weird. Listen, before I go, I just got to ask the ladies, how many ladies have read the book, 50 Shades of Greg? You read it? You read it? You? Bath now. Okay, bath. You and I are going tonight. You and I are going out to have a drink after that. I'm going to give up 34 years of sobriety for you. I'm actually writing a book right now. About a couple from Savannah. Eunice and Larry. It's called 50 Shades of May. The love story of Eunice and Larry. It goes like this. She walked in the room and heard double layered flat old thong. With nothing on top but bungee cords. Securing the girls. She went to bed in longing anticipation in his clean, tidy whiteies with a wicked boner. That's what we call an erection. Everybody just say boner for me once. That's just a good word. Wicked boner. You can have a wicked boner. That means you haven't had it for a while. Just have a regular boner, but you just did it a couple days ago. Freaking ready. Cause I got a wicked boner. It's kind of like, you know, I don't get boners much anymore but I heard boners. Sorry Brenda. Alright. After checking each other for ticks they sprawled out on the 65 foot 40 foot blue top covered in freshly tat maple syrup and he hauled off on it. That's what I've got for now. Thank you very much folks. Have a good day.