 The evident Costello program brought to you by camel the cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records See if your throat and your taste don't make camel a first with you, too. Find out for yourself Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie rich and his orchestra the swingy singing of Connie Haynes And that roly-poly little roadhog who whenever he stopped by a traffic cop always says Hey, Costello Costello come here. Where have you been? Hey, wait a minute, and where did you get that suit? It looks like a naval officer's uniform. Oh a naval officer's uniform. I should have to tell you have it I'm gonna join the Merchant Marine. How do you like the French uniform? Get all the gold bread on my cap the gold bread on my sleeve. Wait a minute Costello That's a nice uniform. All right, but you've got the pants on backwards. I know I want to be a rear-admiral I Look you can't get it in the Merchant Marine. You couldn't pass the physical examination Who couldn't have it? I walked in the recruiting office afternoon. Everybody stood up and the captain pointed at me and he said Boys, there's a whale of a man. The captain said you were a whale of a man. Well, he didn't use them same words What did he say? He said boys get a little of that big hunk of blubber You know, I can hardly wait till I get on my ship Abbott Sailing sailing over the bounding New Jersey now wait a minute wait a way wait a minute. That's over the bounding Maine I come from Paterson, New Jersey. Why should I give a plug to Maine? No, I love Oh, there you are that shows you you know nothing about the sea. You're not a nautical man. I'm not what I said You're the you're the least bit nautical. Oh, I have my moment. Oh, no you don't have it No, no, no after all a fella can't be nicycle all the time There's no sensical and be a nicycle when you meet a little cuticle Who wants to be nautical? What are you talking about? What am I talking about? Yes. Well last night a girl I met a cuticle riding a bicycle I bought her a popsicle and just as she was going to give me a kitsicle a Copsicle on a motorcycle blew his whizzicle and gave me a slapsicle in a pussicle and sent me homesicle That's enough that silly talk What do you mean by coming in here talking about being a sailor? You don't know anything about the sea who don't my whole family were sailors Abbott Even my uncle Artie Stebbins was a sailor. What was his capacity five quarts? No, no, no What did he do is the sailor? He was on a tanker. Where is he now on a bender? Now will you be serious, please now? Take me who wants you in our shut up. I love the sea the sea is in my blood Sailboats steamboats rowboats. They're all in my blood. No wonder your skin is so lumpy Oh You can joke all you want, but I love the sea do you realize that I lived on soft water for 20 years How can you drink that stuff? Oh, never mind that the ocean is wonderful Did you ever see the flying fishes fly all the leaping tuners leap? Nope, but I saw the dolphin's doubt and heard the porpoises pork Look castella, I'm going to see how much you know about boats now Have you have you ever been down to the docks? Yeah, I was at the docks this morning Did you see any vessels? Yep, the nurse carried one in I'm not talking I'm not talking about that kind of a doc. I'm talking about a walk a walk a walk walk walk walk walk Oh, that's cute habit now. Give me your paw The walk is where the boats embark do what embark embark What are you doing? I didn't know you want to play doggy. Oh Castella, please. I don't think you know anything about boats. Do you know anything about sloops? Oh, I'm crazy about sloops. There's nothing like a hot bowl of sloop with plenty of clackers You dummy, you wouldn't know the difference between us. I'm starting to talk like Charlie Chan Listen to me, please I'm just I'm just after telling you you wouldn't know the difference between a sloop and a gunboat That's what my mother made for lunch. She made what chicken gunboat sloop You please talk sense. Look, how about this boat you're going out on? How fast is it? How fast is it? Yeah, it goes 40 miles an hour. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't mean miles You mean your boat goes knots my boat goes knots certainly every boat goes knots What drives them knots the engines the engines engines drive the boats knots. That's right We got to get work through the gene artery. He'll fix those engines. No, no Little people. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I know, I know, I owe everything but I'm not talking about engines Engines engines the faster the engines turn the more knots you get and the more you talk the more knots I get Will you please listen knots or nautical miles? For instance, if you ask a sailor how fast the boat is going he won't say miles to you He'll say knots to you And I'll say knots right back to him. No, no, no, no, no You're a fine sailor a great guy to have on a boat in case of an emergency Look, what would you do if you were on a boat and it started leaking in the middle of the night? I put a pan under it and go back to bed. No, no Well, isn't that right? No, certainly not Suppose there was a big hole in the side of the boat and the water was rushing in What would you do? I put a hole on the other side and let the water out Now you see there you go again. Why you don't even know what part of the boat from Why you don't one part from the other? Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do. Yes, I do Well, let me let me here. Let's see. All right. Go ahead. Name the different parts of the boat Okay, the bow the bow is the front of the boat. That's right. The stern is the back of the boat And the starboard is on the right side. Yeah, where's the port and a bottle in the icebox I told you look look suppose suppose you were out in the boat and a strong east wind came up What would you do? I throw out an anchor. That's right. All right. Now, but suppose a terrific west wind came up I throw out another anchor, but suppose a north wind came up that I throw out another anchor Hey, wait a minute. Where are you getting all those anchors? Same place. You're getting all that wind Castella you are without a doubt the most imbecilic moron I have ever met in my life. Thank you, Abbott And I wish you'd tell that to my uncle already sevens. Why? He thinks I'm a jerk You know, you hear all sorts of rumors about the cigarette shorty Theories are tossed around like confetti at a new year's eve celebration Well, I'm not going into all the whys and wherefor's but I can speak for the makers of camels More camels have been made than ever before in our history and still the demand can't be met But when you do get camels, they are camels still a cigarette of costlier tobaccos blended in the time honored camel way Not one shred of tobacco that isn't properly aged is being used Camels reputation will not be sold down the river no matter what the pressure of these times Ask for camels every time you buy cigarettes They're rich full flavor and cool mildness make them worth asking for again And again War or peace camel is still camel Camel cigarettes now presents ready rich with a wonderful arrangement of sweet dreams sweetheart What's the idea dragging me down here to shipyard? Well, Castella if you're going into the merchant marines You've got to learn something about boats now. Is he right over there tied up to that pair? You see two schooners and a skiff. Oh, this must be the place where my uncle Adi Steppins was last night What do you mean? He had two schooners and he come home skiff. No when you cut that out, please Hey have it have it look look what's that funny-looking boat over there without any top on it? Oh, that's one. They're just building. That's a hull of a ship. You're telling me, but what kind of a boat is it? Hey there fat boy step aside. We're about to christen a ship All right, lady break that bottle of champagne over the stern In all this fog, I couldn't tell one tub from another Let me at that day Get away from there Castella. It's not her fault. She mistook you for a ship. I I hope I didn't hurt you Oh, no, you didn't you just cracked my boilers and my engine room was flooded I should let girls around shipyard have it. I'm telling you. Oh, I have a perfect right to be here It looks like a blood transfusion. All right, never mind that now I said that didn't I perfect right to be here in fact, they named this boat after me because I have such graceful lines My friends tell me I look just like a streamlined ship. Well, don't look now kid, but your cargo has shifted Hey, wait a minute. What are you two guys hanging around here for my friend castella here wants to be a sailor Oh, he does. Yes. Oh, come on fat boy. Grab that duffel bag and follow me. Okay I'm sorry Lee and all this fog. I couldn't tell one old duffel from another Castella come on. Let's go Come on, please. Let's get going. Come on. Yeah, step right into this office and we'll examine you Now that's it. I'll uh Open your shirt castello and let me see what kind of a chest you've got. Oh, I couldn't do that. Oh, come on castella Open your shirt I can't I feel too embarrassed embarrassed to show your chest I forgot the comet this morning Come on here. I'll help you off with your shirt. Come on. Hey, you got some nice tattooing there What's that picture of that lady on your back? Oh, that's whistler's mother Whistler's mother or one of those two sailors doing their weather those are the guys she whistled at Hey castello, I see you've got generalizing now a tattooed on your chest Yeah, and I got general Montgomery on one shoulder and general Patton on the other shoulder Have you got any more? I wish I could show you Hitler Why not? I don't want to take my shoes off. I might catch cold Well, castello, you seem to be all right physically now Just step in the next room and see the officer in charge of personnel Hey, look castella, it's Kitzel Can you imagine? Well, well, well, for goodness sake, what can I do for you boys? I'm in charge of the CBs CBs? Um, yeah, could be Just a second castello, what are you doing with your hand? I'm saluting you That's a very funny salute Can I help it with my nose ditches? Castella behave yourself Kitzel, could you use a man like Castello on one of your ships? Oh, yes, indeedy. You know, I've got a ship leaving tomorrow for the underwear island The underwear island? Uh-huh, the West Undies Oh, I was telling you last summer what a picture company in the West Undies I was making shorts He was making shorts Oh, I get it Making shorts I don't wear them Now listen, Kitzel, where else does your boat go? Well, after it leaves the West Undies, it goes to Cuba for the RICO and Haiti And what comes after Haiti? Haiti one, Haiti two, Haiti three Oh, I bet this guy is nothing but a big no-bab What is a no-bab? So backwards, baboon Oh-hoo, who are you calling a baboon? In my country, that means fight Well, in my country, that means fight, too Well, how do you like that? We're both from the same country Castella, quit arguing, or Kitzel won't give you a job Yes, sir, Mr. Castello, and you know I got just the job for you We're looking for a brief boy like you to fight man-eating sharks in the water I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid I'm afraid I couldn't take that job on account of my middle name as Earl What's your middle name got to do with it? Earl and water, don't mix Castella, don't be such a coward Why don't you admit that you can't swim? Who can't swim? Every night I go swimming after dinner You mean you swim on us, a full stomach? No, I swim on my back Last night I was out swimming in the ocean I saw a school of whales swimming eight feet above the water Oh-hoo-hoo, now just a second, just a second How could a school of whales swim eight feet above the water? This was a high school Ah, goodness sake, a high school Well, we're going to see how much you know about swimming I challenge you to our swimming race right now You are, Castello, Kitzel is calling your bluff Yeah All right, Kitzel, tell you what I'll do Do you see that little red light way out in the water? Yeah Well, we'll swim out to that red light in back And the guy who makes it in the fastest time wins Okie dokie, I'll go for you Go ahead Well, there he goes, Castello He's swimming straight for the red light We'd better be ready to try it when Kitzel gets back Kitzel ain't coming back Isn't coming back? What do you mean? That red light is on the back end of a boat going to China Tonight, Connie Haines sings a beautiful ballad for her camel audience I'm making believe In the corner of Maine and Catawpha streets, two men were talking So I said to him, Frank, I've been buying from you for 14 years You've got to give me some camels Yeah, then what? Stoop down under that counter, I said Come around here and see if yourself he said to me No camels? No camels Yeah, same with me too So I've been smoking this brand and that Remember how those guys in the radio used to say Compare camels with other cigarettes? Now when you've got to compare, whether you want it or not You really begin to catch on to what great cigarettes those camels are Yeah, mile before, what a flavor You knew you were having a smoke of camel But I keep on buying camels, asking for them Every time I buy cigarettes, get them too sometimes And you know I was talking about them Yes, folks, keep on asking for camels Costier tobaccos really age and still blended in the traditional camel way This is one brand that will not be sold down the river Camels, war or peace, camel is still camel Castello, this is ridiculous We've been rowing around this, hobbering the dock for over an hour And they've chased you off every ship Nobody wants to hire you as a sailor And besides, I'm very hungry Oh, here's a bottle of milk, catch yourself a fish What kind of a fish could I catch with a bottle of milk? Catfish Oh, look, let's go back to shore Not me, Abbott I'm going to every boat in this harbor until I get a job Hey, hey look, there's a boat bearing down on us now A dime for a cup of coffee, who are you? Oh, just a tramp steamer Here's a quarter of an aisles, go scutting yourself will you? Hey, Castello, there's a big ship laying at anchor And there's a ladder hanging over the side Look, I'll grab you by the coat and boost you up What rip? Your coat is gone Then you better grab me by the shirt What rip? Your shirt is gone now I'll grab you by the trousers I'm afraid to ask What's coming off down below? You'd be surprised Better get to a board Never mind a board, give me a barrel Hello, I'm sending down my first mate Put something around me, Abbott quick, his wife is coming down Ahoy up there Don't bother sending down your first mate All right, I'll send down my second mate How do you like that? The guy's a pygamist Don't send down your second mate either How about the third mate? The guy's got three mates What is this, to see a matrimony? Go ahead, Castello, climb aboard Welcome to the SS sponge This sponge is soaked Hey, you must be our new admiral Just a minute, Captain Wait, McQuatt, McQuatt What's the matter? Abbott, this guy thinks I'm an admiral Oh, this is my big chance to run my own ship Take it easy, here I go, watch me put it on Take it easy, go ahead Crank up the ship, let's get started Pull it in gear Oh, but sure, you can't start the ship until you get steam up I'll get steam up Hey, steam Yes, sir Get up Anything else, sir? Yeah, batting down the hatches What the hatches are all batting down? Batting them down again We'll show those hatches Wait a minute, Castello You can't make this ship go until you weigh the anchor Okay, Abbott, bring me the scale No, before you start, Castello You'd better get all your hands on deck Get what? Your hands, where are your hands? In my pocket, you dope Castello, what about the weather? Did you get the weather forecast? The what? The weather forecast How do you find the weather? I opened the window and there it was No, this is serious, Castello Suppose we run into a storm Oh, I don't think we'll have a storm How about a shower? Take one if you think you need it And I think you need it Never mind I think we both need it All right Come on, Castello Let's go up on the captain's bridge On his what? That thing over there is the captain's bridge For goodness sakes, how does he get that big thing in his mouth? Pardon me, sir, but we'd better not set sail The barometer is falling Well, pick it up and let's get going Abbas, you slobs, swabs, bang sail, raise the jib sail Lower the sheets and change the bedspread Well, we're moving, Castello Isn't this wonderful? Here we go over the bounding waves Up and down Up and down Up and down How do you know? Are you psyche? No, I'm seasick Ah, you'll be all right in a minute Let's take a walk around the deck Hey, Abbas What? Isn't the air wonderful? What's that little coop up on top of the ship? That's the crow's nest The crow's nest? Let's go up and take a peek at the little darlings No, please, please, there are no crows up there And what are those big birds flying around up there? Those are gulls How can you tell the gulls from the boys? No Come on, please, Castello, please Wait a minute, wait a minute I mean, I want to climb up in that crow's nest And gather some eggs There are no eggs in that crow's nest There must be a couple of them just dropped after that last gag Look, please, forget about the eggs I wish I was an egg What do you mean? Now, take it easy Recitation Now, wait a minute Recitation Just a minute, look Now, look Now, be careful what you're saying I'd like to be a little egg sitting in a tree When you'd walk by, I'd break myself and splatter thee with me Some yoke Yes, plenty Castello, please, cut that kind of stuff off Well, I think I'll go below and get something to eat And where do I? Well, you can mess with the captain's wife Not me, I ain't messing with nobody's wife Oh, pardon me, sir But we'll have to turn back We're going to run into a squall A squall? What's an Indian's wife doing out here in the ocean? Castello, look There's something looming up ahead of us in the pod Hey, do you see it? Something looming up ahead of us in the pod Yeah, he's trying to run into us Yes Hey, you! Don't you know the rules of the sea? Get out of the run, India This is a lighthouse Well, get it out of the way, there's a street anyway Lights, you're blinding me Castello, you'd better let me take that wheel before we're all killed Don't you get worried, Abbot, don't you worry I can steer this boat I know every rock along this coast That must be a strange one Hey Castello, what? I think you struck a reef A what? Reef, reef You were barking much better in the first spot Hey, we're moving again Look out, Castello There's a little fishing moat dead ahead Press your clams at 25 cents a thousand Press your clams at 25 cents a thousand Clam a chow at 10 cents a bowl Clam a chow But give me some clackers, I'm in a sloop again And Castello will be back for camel cigarettes in just a moment Thanks to the Yanks of the Week Tonight we salute Lieutenant Everett E. Pruitt of Monday Taxes In one night he led a patrol across the Royal River Through minefields and into Siegfried Line position He brought back free wounded men under machine gun and artillery fire And single-handed fought off eight Germans with a rifle and hand grenades Until the wounded men were safely away In your honor, Lieutenant Pruitt The makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes Each of the three camel radio shows honors the Yanks of the Week By sending free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas A total of more than a million camels sent free each week Camel broadcasts go out to the United States Three times a week are rebroadcasts To practically every area in the world where our men are fighting And in cooperation with the Good Neighbor Policy Also to Central and South America Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Duranty and Gary Moore Monday to Bob Hawk in Thanks to the Yanks And next Thursday to Abbot and Castello And I'll hear Bud and Lou back with a final word Say Castello Yeah Did you know that your kid brother Sebastian Was sitting in the control room all through the show tonight? Yeah What's he doing in there? I'm gonna find out Hey, Sebastian So come on out here Sounded it tonight to ask you guys to do me a favor Well, what's on my mind? I mean, what's on your mind? Abbot, if I'm gonna play these double parts, I want more money Come on, Sebastian, what do you want? Well, Uncle Bud, I'm thinking of starting a program on my own And I got a couple of good guys to help me do it Made you shields and Tommy Lam And we want to put on a nice program Now you know all the big shots in radio, you can help me Well, we'd like to help you, Sebastian But really, we don't know anybody Don't give me that I heard this program tonight You must know somebody Now look, Sebastian I'm surprised at you To think that you would come out here on this microphone And deliberately tie to discredit the acting ability Of your brother Lou and myself How can you be so ungrateful? What in the world is the matter with you? Good night, folks Good night, folks Good night, everybody It's your turn to tune in next week For another great Abbot and Castello show And remember, camels are worth asking for every time See for yourself how camels' mildness, coolness, and flavor Click with you A suburban railroad station Two men go into the smoking car As I was saying, George, that's one of the best-looking pipes I've ever seen Beauty, isn't it? My son Tommy, you know, the one in the 8th Air Force He's home on furlough Brought me this from London, but, uh, yes Well, I hate to hate the kid's feelings But the big, odd, down thing burns my tongue brutally If it only smoked as good as it looked Why, oh, why doesn't someone tell the grieving gentleman About Prince Albert smoking tobacco? Real he-man tobacco flavor And yet gentle to the tongue as a mother with her babe No bite treated to take out all the bite and parts Crimp cut, too, for perfect packing, smooth drawing, even burning And the bargain Yost about 50 pipe folds in one regular two-ounce Prince Albert package The Abbot and Castello show for camel cigarettes Will be back at this very same time next week Don't miss it This is Ken Niles in Hollywood Wishing you all a pleasant good night This is the National Broadcasting Company