 Ychyd yn mergynydd i gymryd arall mewn tyfodol mewn y gallwn bwrth posiol iawn o beth sy'n gynnhod cael mynd i agwysgau'r gwaith ac mae wedi gynnwys ei gwaith ym mwynio'r cymdeilio i'r rhan fwy fyddeiddiol ac mae'n gweithio'n cymryd o'r blynedd a wefgysig. Fy Quärtyn i chi! A gynhydd chi'n gweithio'r gwaith Cres-Baker, y cysbeth Cres-Boyn Iann! Felly wedi ei gwaith, gallwch chi ddech chi, ae, rwy'n gweithio. Rhaid yw'r gilydd, mae'n olygu swyddwyr yma'n cyffredin, felly mae'n edrych i chi ddim oherwydd gilydd arfer, gofyd a'i bwyd at Diwrnodnaeth, felly mae'n wneud ardweud o'r cyfrwyng, beth oherwydd sy'n gwneud i chi gynnal amersiaid, gallwn i chi'n ddim oedd iawn i'r ffordd gannig am y cyfrwyng. Mae'r ffordd sy'n gychwyn i chi'r ffordd i chi'n ddechrau, gweld i chi'n gwrdd cyniol, felly mae'n gwneud i chi'n ffordd i chi'n gwrdd swyddwyr, ond instagram wedi'i gilydd y peth o'r hyn. Rydyn ni'n fawr o a ddefnyddio i Krishna fair oes yn gweithio'n gweithio'r diref. Ma'n gwneud yn cael eu bod y company..... Mae oedd eich wneud yn cael ei ffordd. ..beithio'n ddifor i chi... Mae angen i chi nhw i whatch chi'n gwael. Mae hyn yn cael eu bod hyn o'r cyffredinol. Felly roedd efallai'r ddaeth diddor yn oed a oedd gwaed i chi'n gweithio. Mae'n cyffredinol ar fy mod i chi. Felly oed ddaa yn ymddug. The nice lady at the end of her landing on the block that used to let me in and give me sweets and play with her. She's now chasing me calling me the N word and she's putting rubbish on our door. The caretaker's moving funny. The whole neighborhood changed because he was televised and they'd seen him and obviously didn't agree with what he'd done. I was instantly rejected and I felt shamed. Then it was just like this woman's chasing me and I didn't get it. I kind of pushed my mum away and she was trying to comfort me and went out and played out in the street and got commended for the way I was acting. It's like yeah come here and then negative emotions I'm feeling. I'm getting kind of hugged from the streets and that's where it started. I found a belonging or some form of where I should be or a purpose that I felt or some misguided belief of what I should be doing. What age were you when you started getting into trouble? I would say it started from then so about 10 I would go out and start being more mischievous and like more angry and negative emotions. But first actual fence I think I got down as 12. But it started from then. Is that you trying to get the not the gratification but feel part of something because your dad was missing again? Yeah I felt like that's where I could get my validation and it's what I'd seen him doing. It's about how I'd not so much respect but like feel that belonging because I didn't feel like I was worthy or whatever. I just was going out and just my mum's I was just not listening to her and she was kind of she felt guilty and look what position he put her in. So renders position to be put in as a parent like having to break that to your son because of his behaviour and I have empathy for that. But she never punished me because she felt guilty for that. So anything I'd done even at school if I'd get chucked out I'd come home and there would be. I knew I wouldn't get punished for my behaviour because she'd feel like it's she'd feel responsible for his what he's done. So that was sort of free passes though to then cause me him. I knew that as well and yeah she tried but it wouldn't she would never stick to it because it would be guilt and I was good at playing on it. And yeah it was I knew that I could do what I wanted like in a sense and yeah my the way I looked at things was just not proactive. It was totally believing that everything I was doing or behave that way is the way to be and this is going to make me a man or what like my dad would behave. I spoke to enough people now when you see the behavioural patterns you see the trauma responses to everything they're doing coming from the broken home. How much that affects kids, male and female it's scary I think. Someone I had on says that over 70% of people in prison are from broken homes. Yeah I've read studies myself adverse childhood experiences there's 80% of prisoners in the UK that I've got that one or more. And then there's like 48% I've got four or more because there's a there's a scale of 10. There's 10 questions like you've got a parent that's abused you or gone to prison or domestic violence or parent with mental health issues. And if you've got a score of up to like six or whatever there's more significant impacts. And yeah in the prison now at least 80% of one or more which is crazy because you can go to prison now and you don't even get asked about it. And they will just say to you if you've got substance problems they'll be like doing substance misuse course. But that's like looking at the leaves but not the root because in prison it's stress free isn't it? Like you're there you haven't got no stresses really like you might have the wing politics but there's actually no striving to be successful. There's no like out here to be a man and to be doing something positive it takes a lot and it's hard and it's hard working. And you're going to get knockbacks and but in prison there's none of that. So when you've got them issues you do this awareness course you come out back into reality and then stress is here and you're back on the substances. I think that's why I want to share my journey I want to explain. So I want people to be looking more at the impacts of this trauma in prisons. So then we can reduce the offending rates and use this as an example if it resonates with people that's that's that's what I want. Did your mum was she worried that you'd have went down the same footsteps as your dad? Yes she was petrified. How many times she sat me down and had these conversations but it just went in one ear and out the other because what I did is I demonised the good and I glorified the bad in my head and that's how I looked at the world. Like being bad is good and being good is bad and it was just yeah that didn't resonate what she'd say. Were you drinking smoking weed or anything? Yeah I started smoking weed. I just think that's a go to drug for everybody, for everybody from the streets anyway. Including my era lesson I was on it for 12 years and I ever smoked it till later because it kind of kept me wouldn't say sane but it kept me more of a recluse because I was on the coke at the booze I was a fucking loose can but if I was on the weed I was stable I was in the house I was just eating food. My life was going down the hill because I was putting on weight I was haggard I was a lazy cunt anyway even though when I'm on it I'm still fucking lazy but the weed kind of it's funny because I've the drug problem at that time I've come through and it kind of kept me alive even though it was killing me as well but why do you think that's the go to drug to weed? I don't know it's like the gateway drug isn't it? It's like we started a weed and you build yourself up I don't know. For me it was just like I suppose again everyone was doing it it's part of like yeah let's try it and I don't know why I went to it but it's always the one that everyone starts with. I don't give a fuck what anybody says it's just I know people can still function on it but it's the chemicals and stuff and everything that's spread with it now you don't even know what you're smoking we're just picking it off the street same as the street valium that was killing everybody you just don't know who's creating it who's making it obviously people get their grows and stuff but they're still spraying it with mad shit and we're just fucking puffing our brains out for me it was just it made sense at the time but I look back and I look at all photos and I think how grey I was you turn green and I think with the shit that was going on. When was the first time you went to prison? Did you ever get jobs or anything beforehand? After my school I got chucked out of three different secondary schools. What for? I was just not able to have the courage if they asked me to do something because I was so fearful of rejection or people laughing I would abuse a teacher or be rude or maybe fight people fighting. I would always get chucked out for my behaviour because I couldn't have the confidence to stand up and read or whatever they would say. No not even I can read well but it's just that I didn't want people to judge me or stand up in that like I don't know it was a major fear that when they asked me to do something I'd be like no. I think it come from like I don't from that young when I was asked to like watch this news and then anytime someone asked me to do something I was like no no fuck that. I was rude to teachers always getting chucked out for stupid shit and I just couldn't settle in schools and then you go to a new school and you're trying to settle and you're having the same problems and in the end I got chucked out at 15 with no GCSEs. Are you bullied? No I'm not bullied. I think people would say things because I'm just quiet and then it would be yeah and then I would like go angry because I couldn't control my emotions but yeah like I was quiet and the quiet ones obviously people think that's a weakness before. Were you doing draw buddies in that beforehand? Not at that age it started more like 15, 14 that started yeah. Stealing? Shoplifting? Yeah it started with like petty shit like opportunist stuff like shoplifting thefts probably knocking a bit of weed out yeah just them sort of crimes nothing too serious. When was the first time you got proper and trouble though present at that age? I wouldn't even call it proper like I'd done more crimes between them because I'd moved from Enfield to Chesent now and I started like robbing all the dealers in Chesent because I thought that was cool me and my guys would come get the people in Chesent and I'd set them up and we'd take all their drugs and things like this year and then I refused to do a probation. They told me I've got to do some what's it called community service and I said no I'm not doing that and then they put me in prison for like 12 weeks to 6 the first ever time. I was like 20 that was the first time I ever went to prison. What was that like? It's easy on that? Not at first if anyone says that I don't know maybe that's for them but in that sweat box when you're pulling up it's the unknown like I don't know what's going to be in here I don't know who I'm going to see that I've done a wrong into. They're going to be patterned on the wing and nice and I'm landing in their thing and it's going to be on. You don't know what you're to expect but once you get in there then it's easy like I say there's no stresses in prison. You've got no there's no nothing you've got to worry about nothing. Obviously your family and you think but when you're in prison you only really think about yourself like I'm doing the time but actually it's your family that impacted but you don't have the stress of life when you're in there because just everything is just a supply for you. You don't have to do nothing. Especially the shorter sentences but like you say it's going through in the bus thinking what's behind there is there any enemies you hear about because I used to see it all the films and you think that's what it's like but once you're in the majority of people are fucking drugged up anyway. There's a lot of weak links in the jail and once I went through the gates by Linnie and then once I went in and met people straight away from Porcel where I was from and I thought it was the Billy Big Bulls. So that's wagging about and it's like yeah on the street you're in like a patch and we're in prison. I've only done it a few months and you're out and you're swaggering and it's a fucking joke. That's when it escalates because you come in and you think is that the worst they can give me right and you go back out and then I was just active like I remember we went to go and do a deal at his house and we had to smash the front window climb through the window then we're in the house and he's got a knife and then I'm attending I've got a knife because I didn't and he's rocked it. Luckily there was three of us and then we just took all the drugs and now we're doing all these mad aggravated burglies for drugs and it's reckless because now you know you've been to prison and the worst they can do is this and I don't know I was just trying to prove that in some misguided way that I'm something. Then not long after getting out of there I bought this bike and it was stolen because I was on a ban and I'm driving that around doing what I'm doing and then I was with my friends in the pub having a drink and he gets a call his missus has crashed the car that was the police that called him and his little girl was in the back and his missus died and he had to go. It was like really traumatic because and we're sitting there drinking and then I went left on the bike my friends and don't go on the bike and I ended up driving the bike got to where I was going and someone else called me and I went there and as I left them. That's when the blue lights come behind me and I just tried to leave them come to the bend too fast in Cheddon and then I started snaking and I just went through this wooden fence thing. Into a 16 foot ditch down the helmet come off I hit my head and I'm looking up and it's like a police officer that I actually know from school and I'm like in the ditch and my arms are open fracture and yeah and all I remember is them bringing me up on a stretch out of the fireman and the police officer said I need his blood he may have been drinking and all this and like the next thing I woke up in a hospital. With like 10 broken ribs, punched lungs, shattered scapula, broken pelvis, broke breaks in my back. I pulled the nose out of the spine here for this arm. Yeah it was and I come out this induced coma with my family there and I'm like get me a drink Bill and then they all cry him because they're waiting to see if I had brain damage when they come out and yeah the dynamic changed then. Because I'm living that I'm in now I'm having to deal with the fact that my arms you know it was there but it's in a sling and the emotions that were going through me feeling sorry for myself and then they come to me and say we're going to have to amputate it because it's got sepsis and I pointed out I wanted to just bear with it. I was letting out and they had to because they said if you don't sign your mum will have to and yeah it was yeah that was probably the, it weren't in our heart moment like what I turned but it was the hardest thing I had to deal with yeah. Yeah I imagine so fucks it losing an arm and a leg and people say there's so many things you can still do but again at that what hand did you meet with? I was right handed yeah. That's what you have to fucking start all the shit again, whanking and fucking writing all the mad shit you know what I mean? Fuck the writing mate is your whanking hand done mate? That's the only way I'll be thinking what? Like a stranger in Britain. I'm dying mate fuck it take me to hell mate. I was saying that but they weren't going to let me. Ah fuck you know it was yeah it was difficult man but I didn't learn honestly I didn't learn I just wallowed in self pity guilt because I was drinking I had no one else to blame but myself. I hated myself I was less confident I was insecure and I was more like I'd carried knives before but I'd never stabbed no one but at that point in my life it was like I needed that because I'm still well first of all I was in my house for two years but like after that I'm still like I needed that weapon because I'm in that life with nothing I've got one arm and I'm extremely vulnerable and I know that. And yeah it just changed the dynamic and made me probably more aggressive or more stupid should we say. So see that night your friend has lost his missies and then the same night you've crashed and nearly died as well. Yeah it was crazy. And the screws are just looking over you not caring about whether you'll ever die they just want a blood sample. Yeah that's all the police said then I'm in a wheelchair right because at first I was bed bound for weeks I was in hospital six months. I'm in a wheelchair and I'm one arm I'm going around in circles James. I'm going around in circles James. They roll up to the hospital right and they're talking about we're going to nick you for drink driving on a ban all this whatever it is. I'm like do you think I give a fuck fuck off and then the nurses told him get out of here like doctors told him go like he doesn't need that right now and that's all they cared about. And they did go to court for it in the end and the judge was like to me I can never punish you more than you punish yourself and I want to see you again. But like the lack of empathy they didn't give a fuck it was like yeah good. But you can understand that as well with the shit that you were doing or what your dad's done they were thinking fuck him. Do you know what I mean? Do you ever think that the shit that you were causing the fuck it cut his arm off? Did you ever think about that? That's just a paranoia I can't hear about thinking because you were doing shit at the time. I thought fuck him cut his arm off. I'll keep him on the streets. I'll keep him off the streets. Not to about 20 seconds ago. Because I know where you could have saved them. I was begging them. I was begging them. They took like things out of my leg and I don't know what exactly. I can't remember. They put something in the arm and they was trying to save it. They were operating for 12 hours when I got there. They wanted to airlift me to Royal Free but I was too critical. So they tried. That's what they told me. But to be honest, I don't know if I was in a better hospital. Maybe it would have got saved. Chase Farm wasn't the greatest. I don't know but it ended up being like I think I've seen someone say before. Like your worst nightmare. Your biggest gift that comes to disguise as your worst nightmare. And it actually ended up in the end helping me change and growing from it. Yeah but don't know surgeons and that. Don't they do some amazing jobs to see it. For me, I don't. But Tharmysutocondustru is a different story and a different topic we can touch on. But for the surgeons and these people who do amputations and saving lives and taking other bits from your arms and legs to keep you alive. The work that those people do is unbelievable. That we need those people and like I say, it's scary at the time but they've still saved your life at the time. You probably thought I don't want to be here but now thankfully it's all paid off. We're in the coma as well. Yeah for two weeks I was in an induced coma and that's when I come around because I had the helmet come off, I had a serious brain injury. Not a head injury sorry. And they thought I might be mentally gone or whatever it's called. And then everyone's waiting to see if I know anyone when I come around and that's when I said to Bill get me a drink because I've had tubes in my mouth for two weeks and he's like everyone's just started crying because they understood then at least he's not going to be. I think the arm was gone then but they just didn't want me to wake up with no arm, can't move in a bed and not sure if I'm going to be able to walk. It would be too much emotionally I think because the arm's stunk man. Honestly you could smell it James. It was like you left gone my food for time. It was just like rotting. It was just dead. It was there. It was lifeless. You just have metal over it. You could tell they weren't ever going to save it but I was still hopeful I suppose. It's mad doing that. What was the coma like? Now that people cast out their voices and shit did you ever go through any of that? I didn't remember none of that. I just remember when I come out of it. I don't remember. From when I got in the ambulance I think I lost consciousness then. I lost a lot of blood. I had a lot of blood transfusions. So yeah I don't remember that all I remember is up to going in the ambulance him asking for the blood then waking up out of the coma. Did you just have a pair of jeans on t-shirt? Yeah a jeans. None of the stuff? None of the equipment? No nothing man. That's a big man act. It's something that doesn't wear a seatbelt in a car they think they're fucking tough. Fucking crazy. Yeah it's stupid man. I was in jeans as well. I never wore the stuff. I never considered crashing. You don't think like that. So how did the coppers chasing you when you crashed? Yeah they put their blue lights on. They didn't have anything that day? No they couldn't keep up. Was that a bike? Yeah it was an R6. Was it a rapid then? Yeah and as they come behind me put the blue lights on I dropped a gear shot off and they weren't knowing where to be seen but as I come into the bend too fast it's like going like this and then I just remember looking up in the ditch and seeing him like yeah him saying don't run and all this water it was a stream and it's going over me and I'm like thinking it's blood but I'm still trying to get up and run but my arm weren't coming and it was just... So you'd just become a recluse then? For two years. Because all the things that you mentioned about yourself you already had that before the crash anyway. So I'd imagine that just enhanced that where you thought why me? Mate I just wallowed in self pity. They put me straight into a place where my cousin used to live actually my auntie's son and it's in Ternford and Cheson and it was... I just didn't come out my friends would knock on the door and I'd pretend I weren't in I'd ignore them because I didn't talk to no one I sat there for two years and like I have very often had people come around I didn't want to come out I didn't feel comfortable how I was I had this prosthetic arm that I wore anytime I'd wear it and then I started... I did start coming up and it would either be to get higher and get drunk and then go back to sleep like it was that cycle of numb the pain, sleep numb the blame, sleep and that's all it was I didn't do nothing for them times like it was just horrible horrible time like a feeling sorry for myself obviously I was clinically depressed they said I had PTSD I'm on grieving of the seal of loss of my arm but I'm doing nothing to actually walk on making myself feel better I'm just wallowing in my negative emotions and feeling sorry for myself and everything's just getting worse because the way I was looking at the situation How was it using the left hand again drinking paints and... It was horrible like I just felt obviously I can't when it happens you kind of your body's amazing it adapts quite quickly to the situation it's in but it just I just never felt obviously something was missing like I didn't feel like myself I felt low confidence I see that difference in people people that are not trying to lower anyone but people that wouldn't say nothing before and now are like piping up like now there's an opportunity to get me back for being a comfort before and it's like you cheeky fucks you know like and that would be the thing that got to me like people just show no now you're not no threat you know like you understand that if you're robbing drug dealers listen calm as a bastard whether you've got one arm no legs whatever the fuck you're blind if you've give somebody pain and abused them and beat them I'd be thinking the same one arm or not I'm getting that cunt and I used to get messages like off of fake accounts even while I was in hospital like how glad you lost your arm and I'm like yeah I suppose that's someone that I've upset but yeah cool so I understand that but that's when it for me is when I when I did start coming out and getting back into that life and trying to become that person I was because I was searching to be back who I was even though who I was before was not a person to be if that makes sense so I started getting back involved in the same shit like robbing dealers and we're running off the road off the robbing we held this guy in his house and made him order the drugs because he had to tell the person he's got the money there the drugs come we take him off him we're running off the road and I'm running my prosthetic arms falling off because he's fucking because when you run and get sweaty it would come off and it was just like what are you doing like when I look back now it's like what was we doing I was trying to validate myself to be that person and it was like everything I was doing was just to get higher and forget about it I even went for a stage of gambling anything that gave me that don't mean hit that made me forget about the situation I was in I was chasing anything negative shall we say and yeah then I started getting back into dealing and that whole last so now I'm believing that I have to have a knife because I'm extremely vulnerable and I know that people are going to fist to fist going to meet me come on target yeah especially when the shit you're doing anybody that's involved in a life of crime they don't forget there's a ruthlessness there like I say one arm one leg whatever the fuck it is doggy doggy I'm going to pay back and people would be glad to do it with a smile on their face so see when you're doing turns and stuff even though you're kind of incriminating yourself because of the fucking one arm it's easy to sport the method of thinking in that that is deludied to think you're going to get away with anything and falling off because you see the security guards maybe let's say they're guarding the king or the queen or whatever it is they'll have the prosthetic arm so they can keep their arm in their jacket and the walls get the hand in the gun but they've also got the fucking dummy hand but you can spot it a mile away do you know what I mean so what was the arm like when you were doing turns it would just stay in it it would just stay in it it just hangs it doesn't do nothing it's just not functional it's just to mask my insecurities and funny you say that because when my ex was going on my friends were getting active in it and I'm like I'm coming I'm coming they're like you're not coming it was in the van and they're like you're going home you'll get us all back and I was like no and at the time I was like I want to come they're like you stupid we're all your unknown associates you ain't coming go home we're dropping you home you ain't getting us caught because of your situation and when I think about it like they was moving smarter than I was at that time so what are you doing? so when did you end up getting a 10 then because it was again the shit that you put your mum through the stuff that she's already been through and then losing your arm being in prisons and then she's probably thinking oh maybe it'll calm down but it seems you got worse yeah definitely got worse I was doing stupid things like I said I was carrying a weapon and I would use it if I had to and I had done it a few times but then this guy was working and I never saw nothing big because I knew I'd be a target if a big bit so it's just a good ticket line at the time and he was running it for me and he basically took something that wasn't his I was higher when I found out and I'm doing the most stupid thing I got a knick for a kidnap Fawr's imprisonment sorry section 20 in black now so basically I demanded the money that he took off him with menace and he got stabbed in his lower back and I got a 10 and a half EDS for that so it's an extended determinant sentence and they have to do a dangerous man act assessment so you get assessed by a probation whether you're suitable for it and the crime I did before normally you have to have a continuous pattern of that but the judge wanted to get me and he said because I've escalated from an affray which is fuck all to this he deemed me dangerous because of the arm I'm not learning and that emotional turmoil whatever he wrapped it up in that cause of my arm I'm actually escalating in crimes and gave me an EDS sentence and that he said that you'll serve five year three months out of it I went back to the prison and they said no you've got to serve seven years and at that time it was like fuck it all them same issues I had and I was having troubles in prison behaviour and a bit of conflict I was in a block on a good order and I'm sitting in a block and I'm like you've got all these same ongoing issues you still feel this trauma this pain this but now you're just fucking burdened for five years like seven years they're saying but five the judge said and nothing's changed like nothing's changed because you've just been wrapped up in your emotions I'm sitting there and yeah it was fucked I was like so depressed so so feeling sorry for myself still yeah it's mad and I will feel sorry for myself and everybody's to blame but when you're in there you're in prison you'll see people with no legs and wheelchairs like a dwarf as well it's mad to see but you'll tend to see a lot of these ones are more up for it than most because they feel as if they've got something to prove to make themselves one of the boys or one of the lads did you feel that as soon as you were in there or did you think fuck it I need to change or was it at that stage you just wanted to keep doing what you were doing yeah at first I didn't change like I said I was getting in trouble because I do have that because I'm still very defensive at that time very argumentative very wrapped up in my emotions so it's hard to get along with me so I'm causing myself conflict just by the way I carried myself and yeah I suppose you feel like you've got something to prove but in the end it's just like prison can humble you quickly man because you're not a cripp for that Chris I learned pretty quickly what you think you're doing without a weapon a prison where it can go off in an instance you're not a cripp for this and that really come that awareness come probably when I got to Loudon Grinch and it's like a long-term beaker and people there don't play if it goes off it's serious and yeah I just started to change my ways a bit then and just understand that you don't have to act this way or have this bravado so yeah it was Do you get any special treatments by your own arm or is it just the same as everybody else are you on a lower floor or anything how does it work so yeah I could get a lower floor and I could manipulate the rules a bit more to get a bit more freedom so if this like bang up I would say I need this done, I need this person to help me do this, you need to open my door let him do this writing and do you know I could depending on the prison I could pretty much have it nice hit a bra, have it nice certain prisons they don't care they're like fuck it that's your problem get over it and you have to like go through the procedure to get it but not really like you don't really get it in every prison there's not support or help or special things in every single prison that's not but some you can get extra things like your door open a bit more help if you need it but yeah not in every prison did you get tested much? not really, do you know because I think probably people just when I look back at it probably just allowed me more than anything and I was cheeky and I'm very defensive I was at them times but I was good at FIFA at table tennis I'm poor and people was like we'd have banter about that and I got on with the people that really run the wing so in a way I was kind of cool for that I had a few incidences but nothing nothing that nothing major how do you end up good at pool? practice I suppose just how do you keep it? I can fucking barely keep it straight with two hands I use the triangle so if it's in the middle of the table I put it on the triangle and do it like that and just practice and yeah and FIFA the same I just had to practice and I was beating people in there so how do you do FIFA on that with one hand? so we're talking Xbox 360s in prison we're going way back and I put my palm on that the ball and then I'll do the fingers with this but yeah and I had to play people and majority of people would know that I'm quite good and it was just fun see when you start doing that stuff badminton, pool FIFA and one hand does that then start giving you confidence and realise wait I've got one hand on the world did you start growing in confidence that you can still do things or were you doing that stuff before you went to prison? yeah I was doing it a bit before but do you know like I was so competitive I noticed this about me I was so competitive if I lost I would get so defensive argumentive and I started to that I was putting out my validation on the win and that was my self worth it would become like something where I would be so overly proud of winning and it would bring up these emotions and it made me go like negative and so I had to work on that and I started understanding that stop putting yourself on a fucking game so at first it didn't give me confidence only if I won and it's false confidence because I'm putting the validation on it so it was never really stable confidence like I feel now it was just if I won confidence so not really it was superficial how many definite prisons were you in? I started in Bedford I got chucked out they put not for return because that's my local all my friends are there and in Bedford you can I don't know about now but if you're on COA you can ping over the wall and there were suspicions we was getting parcels and all this they put us in a good order, shipped me to Peter Brown my friend to Leicester and then they didn't let me come back but I've been there before a few times because I've been on Remarne in Bedford and we didn't get on I think it's because I got a lot of friends in that jail at the time so then they shipped me to Peter Brown Peter Brown is like a stroll in a park man I've never been to a prison like it you can tell them what to do they ain't really got a clue you can go in and rat your own movement slip and go off the wing, go to reception tell them that you want your pass there's no authority in there I don't know about now but we're talking in 2015-16 they didn't have no authority in the prison because it's all people just coming from McDonald's and working and it was like young officers have no clue man and they ain't got a clue but then I went loud and I've been knotting them briefly Pentonville scrubs Bullendon, Wayland the Mount, that's not all on one sentence because I've had a few other times I've been to prison as well after I got 15 months but they just ship you about when you're messing about What did you get 15 months for? The most stupidest thing, I'm on the train and with one of my friends and the transport police are coming up the train for us and we're moving that other way and he pulled the door, made the train stop and we jumped off to get off because we've got stuff on us and they gave me 15 months in prison for pulling the door and jumping off the train Many sentences you've done I've had a lot of remands I was on remand for a knife point robbery after a festival that I didn't even do the crime I've had probably about six, seven remands and not all of them have come to cases sometimes you get released after it sometimes you get charged for it and then I've had probably four or five times and then the big one but yeah, like I said, I was on a remand for a knife point robbery at a festival a guy had to sell, sold me a ticket I brought it off him someone else comes in and says they want two tickets he's only got one left, he said to me he let me get that back because the guy's offering him more he dath, like fuck off and I had the prosthetic on at that time he's like no, give me the ticket I was like no, he went to the police they didn't really listen to him they come and arrest me for a knife point robbery he's gone and told them that I robbed him a knife point when I've gone to trial for this year because they reminded me straight away gone to trial for it, they might tell me how did he take the ticket off you and hold the knife which hand did he take the ticket if he's got the knife and he said with his other hand and then instantly the judge directed the jury saying look Chris couldn't have done that he's got one arm, he had one arm at a time do you not know that he must have not known because I had the prosthetic on I don't know but not guilty but I've done six months for him on for it so how much pressure was on you once you lost them and doing all the other shit but did you feel more pressure in your life to then try and keep doing all the dath shit yeah I felt like it was fucking, it's delayed thinking though isn't it it's crazy man 100% James, when I look back at it now it's like what was I thinking it's like I was searching to become the person I was before to make myself feel better for the loss the person I was was another person to search for so what I was going for was never going to be a positive outcome but it was like I was looking for that to feel how I felt before but how I felt before was acting in a way that it was destructive so yeah I felt pressure, I was struggling mentally I didn't feel good, I was going to the doctors that just give me tablets yeah it was just and while I was in on that sentence like for majority of the beginning the first two years, 80 months I didn't feel good at all How many people look with disabilities and stuff are in prison when you were there I've seen a few, I've seen like a couple guys in wheelchairs I met another guy with one arm um but like physical disabilities I've seen a couple with legs missing um but yeah, not like serious crimes not, I wouldn't say I don't think any of them had an EDS but one of them got 16 years in a wheelchair for guns so that's a serious crime and one got a 10 for food in a wheelchair paralyzed so yeah I've seen a couple of people like that How do you handle the word disabilities do you use that or do you try not use it because it's a horrible word that in it? 100% I used to I didn't class myself as disabled but now yeah I do it's it's a hand I've been dealt and I am disabled and I have to be confident in who I am now today and that's part of it I suppose, that's part of the journey that I'm on What about running and stuff because obviously you see people in the Paralympics they're fucking smashing they're strong, they're powerful it goes to show what can be done with the mind as well I imagine they felt like quitting at the start I imagine everybody would have lost a limb but when you see them and effort they put in and the work rate the running and the exercise, gymnastics whatever it is in that field for not to give up and keep going it's some strength it must be some strength Do you ever look to these people as well and think fuck me, life's not quite over but even though when you think it was at the start they're just not even looking for inspiration from no can it took me a while before I started changing at first I didn't look for these inspirations I got mentors that helped me in that journey I would say and that come I started writing my life down in a autobiography I read everything down and that gave me some clarity I started to understand what I've been through and how I'm letting this come out in other ways so while I'm in the sentence I'm doing that then I started writing a call I've had my sentence reduced from ten and a half years now to eight and a half so I'm thinking now I need to start progressing and I met this guy and he said to me let me see your OACs which is basically your risk assessment score in prison and he's like oh my god your score is ridiculous you need to do the courses and if you want to get decad and go home you could be in decad over in a year so then I started playing the game I suppose as they call it and trying to progress done all right with the courses and he helped in a sense of like making me change but it started me thinking about emotions because I'd never even considered what emotions were I didn't really have not I was totally naive I knew nothing about it so I started working and writing help then I eventually did get to a decad and that's where I met some guy that probably changed the trajectory of my life because he was an educated guy told him about my story, he read it and then he was probably the first man in my life and that I admired and was inspired by it and he helped me to change the way I see things because when I'll talk to him I'll think how I'm thinking is just so thick like he would make do you know when you're talking to someone that's clever you're like I don't even think like that and it just started making me see and he was very good at making me see things differently and from then that's when I started looking at more in depth of why I do this how what I've been through is impacting the way I show up in the world and started really reading because I was like to him I want to publish a book he's like well do you read I was like no he's like well no and I started reading about adverse childhood experiences and how they impact brain development and how you're more likely to not be able to regulate emotions or you're going to more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviours and this is resonating with me I'm like okay and then you're more likely to engage in poor coping mechanisms and then I'm looking at the impacts of how you can overcome this and it's like fitness, nutrition positive mentors and like a purpose and things like that and then I just started working because I was fat this time I was like 17 stone with one arm big belly and just started working on myself and losing weight and doing fitness and doing fitness for me was honestly that single handedly took me out of depression and like gone from fat yeah I used to think that the weight had nothing to do with it or not being active had nothing to do with it it would single handedly took me from someone on depression tablets to not I lost five stone I had continually working doing exercises even though I fucking despised it at first that gave me some like discipline that I've never probably had in my life like doing things that I hated doing and from then on it was all about progressing mentally, physically, emotionally spiritually and that continues and becoming more self aware of how these traumas these triggers impact you because I've read a great book The Body Keepers of Scorn he talks about hurt people hurt people and it's like I couldn't stop hurting people to understand how that would hurt was hurting me and that's where like that our hard moment was it was like okay now this turns into something and he helped me that guy helped me all the way and I met Andrew in at the same time who you know and he was helping me because he'd be writing he'd written an urban smuggler and I'd be in there it was a computer room and he'd be in there doing his work every day after work and I'd be in there every day doing my book taking it from because I had to write it with my left hand which was like torture because it was like kids writing so then I had to print take the writing that I'd written and type it up into a computer with one hand and that was like this but I'd done it and he was there every day and he'd seen me working and that we would become friends and he was friends with a guy that changed my last Sam and that helped me to see things differently and then now it's just been a continuous thing and the thing about this adverse childhood experience is that 80% of the people in prison have suffered it one or more but no one's doing nothing in prison about it and you can go into prison today and it's like they don't even ask you about it but if you've got a substance problem they'll make you do an awareness course but they're chopping at the leaves and then you're coming out of the stress free prison like I say to you and going back into an environment to become successful or do anything worthy is stressful and then then stressors you straight away back on the substance in that cycle of crime, prison and nothing changes like I feel like that's why I want to share my story because people need to be able to work on and become more self-aware of how the shit we go through at a young age is how impacting how we're showing up in the world and if we can do that we can reduce crime but then do they really want to because there's a whole other concept of adverse childhood experiences that impact or make you more likely to have cancer Alzheimer's, heart disease, diabetes and this is all factual you can search it on the internet and it's like do they really want to do you really want to put a dent in that because prison system is money bro it's 40 50 grand a year per inmate and it's a money system that's slavery when they don't want change like 80% or over 70% of the people who are in prison re-offending and end up back in prison it's a system, it's flawed it's a system, it's not working it's a system where they're happy to feed you fucking what's the green stuff you used to drink what's the fucking for people hearing addicts they're happy feeding methadone and all the tablets and come out zombieed up and then because life is tough without any childhood trauma how was it working within, how was it looking at where you were and why you acted the way you were because that is a painful journey in itself it's a journey I'm still on to hear, to understand it and look at it and then understand how it's impacting you then I was in a position where I could consciously start working on it because before I didn't even know I was like a zombie that was reacting to something so trivial in a moment not knowing that that's bringing up something that is triggered from before so I'd perceived that disagreement but it's really bringing up these emotions that I wasn't even aware that the root cause so understanding that gave me the strength to not live my emotional life on the weakness of others and then I was in control so it was like hard and it is hard to look at things and take accountability and work on it and go through it but that's the only way to change the reactive and aggressive way that I was in my opinion how I was to understand it and you have to go through it and look at everything and work out why that's showing up and how you can work on changing that from showing up it's not easy it's probably the hardest thing to do to actually say well I'm in control of this this is my destiny I have to address this yes I've had things happen that wasn't my fault but when you're consciously aware of that and you continue to do it then it becomes your problem and you need to address it yourself work through it and that's where the support should be imprisoned it isn't there it's mad childhood trauma as well because some people die with their childhood trauma some people never speak about it and some people when you do speak about it it's not until your 20s or 30s or 40s where damage has already been done if a kid is going through trauma they don't really know it's trauma until they're older and that's the thing that even as much as domestic abuse in a house it's that scar you infox yourself up with relationships and addictions and everything that that's connected to it and it's sad because the majority of households have got that anger issues and it's not people are bad it's just the pressure of life is already known seeing their fathers doing it and their mums and dads and grandparents and it just passes down but if you don't if we don't heal the pain now that affects our kids our kids who need to fight the pain and try and break the curse face to face with whatever shit we're dealing with we just pass it down and then we leave it on their kids and then their kids and it's just generational so it's important to face your fears head on now if not you're passing it down to your future and that's why I think this whole fucking generation is fucked in the head I think a lot of shame is a problem because it's like you've had that and in shame detention you don't want to open up because it's like this or you feel like you either deny it or you don't want to talk about it because it's painful and it's hurtful and that's like you say it's a problem and I feel like if we don't start talking about it or dealing with it and working for it then you're just going to live that cycle of in and out thinking that these beliefs are alright and justifying it for some misguided opinion that you have of why you're doing it and it's just I don't think people are really doing all this stuff they do for post codes because that's what they stand for I think that comes from somewhere surely You know what I mean? 100% there must be more to it and you have to just work through that and it's the painful but it takes courage and the other side of it is just I think for me it's been joy and deeper relationships and like better living and stress free you know and as hard as it is it's just something you've got to do especially within the prison system When was the light bulb moment because there's a lot, not a lot of information but it takes a moment you go fuck me a little bit of misery and pain of course there's a moment where you realise what was I thinking, what was I doing was there a moment for you and you realised what the fuck was I playing at It wasn't just one thing I think it was like all of these things pulling in one thing but like it wasn't like a hard moment it was like once I understood what I'd been through I'd really start consciously making better decisions because I've actually now got the awareness and unless people get that I don't think that you can make that decision because sometimes you're just reacting without knowing what's coming from, that's how I was and then once I understood it that's when it was like alright now you've got to take action or you can't blame no and now you know what you need to work on and go through it and it wasn't a single of thing that's the mentor that Andrew and Sam that people guiding me, supporting me showing me that you can do this do you know like there was fitness there's so many, I got into meditation like these things all helped at their own time the natural things the natural things and life that we don't use enough the things that make us feel good but yet we'll self harm, we'll weak junk food drink drugs, gambling, violence all the negative traits something internally to your wiring in the body it scares you, I've spoken to enough people to understand how humans operate and what makes them operate and how they become who they are but it's just fucking sad because there's so much great remedies out there to then because even overweight when my weight goes up and down my weight goes up, there's something not quite right when you're eating that emotions and not really speaking about it and I notice that it's not to put anybody down that's overweight but people who are overweight are struggling in life it's a depression in my eyes you're eating something to take away the pain that's happening internally and you say when you start exercising start looking after yourself you can tell when somebody's in a good place by their appearance in a way and it's not like I say shoot anybody down but you can they're just a different energy and a different vibe where they truly love themselves because they're looking after themselves more than the average person like I say just sitting vegetating eat away at life which I do sometimes you think fuck this it's easier, it's comfortable but it's just the way it makes you feel there's no better feeling an exercise in our cold water therapy or try to raise the bar and try to bite at yourself but the majority of people don't because it's hard it's painful try to work on yourself and keep progressing look after yourself when it's just easy to go and eat shit we're living in a super process world isn't we like everything's just marketed at you it's hard to not and to eat well it's hard isn't it and then to be disciplining such a load of easy options like you say and they're comforting there's something they do I think they have that neuroscience working to make it taste away to make you feel a type of way so it's hard to be disciplined and eat healthy yeah but there are benefits and what comes with it is so beneficial in my because being from someone else overweight to being around now yeah it's like it's so beneficial man because even the foods in the shop was like Las Vegas so just all the bright colours but foods in the shop and supermarkets and petrol stations they aren't food that's cravings there's a difference between eating food and craving food sometimes you go up a bit of chocolate it's not really food it's just the craving of the sugar of the taste of the taste buds what it does to the reward system in the brain but if you actually ask yourself would you eat a bit of fucking asparagus or carrots and if you didn't want it because if you're hungry you would eat anything anything no matter if it's fucking salads or whatever it is but it's the cravings it's the sitting the boredom to then I'll go and get a pack of cris what I do nearly everything just something kicks in where I feel as if I'll reward myself something doesn't quite quite feel right so I'll reward myself for the junk food to reward myself just for a split seconds and it's sad man because the majority of people feel like that and like I said it's not to put anybody down it's overweight or underweight or whatever it is but there's teas and tools to feel better, think better act better but it's difficult because it's everything's glamorous out there you get into supermarkets and the aisles are just we don't even read what's actually on it including myself sometimes I'll be on it and I'll go and I'll fuck that and I'll be amazing for six weeks then something slips the craving takes over again and it's like I said there's just so much out there see when you started losing the weight and training hard was that when you thought okay the confidence started coming back and you started believing in yourself that life's not quite over and I don't need to be that person that I was yeah for sure like once I started training I was reading meditating and that was in prison and then I started working at a charity and I was going out every day and I'm around positive people so I'd only stay in the prison at the weekends and then you go on a home leave because you're just an open prison so I was around all these people at charities they were all like kind and at first I felt like what's going on I felt uncomfortable because they were all being so nice I even said to them I don't feel because I'm not used to this isn't it when people are like that in prison there's an ulterior motive and it was like being around them people hearing what Sam and saying and Andrew and fitness and having that discipline and eating well and then believing like I want to I didn't know how I knew I wanted to use my experiences what I've been through to help someone that may be going through what I've been through like the trauma and using it in a negative way and it's not an excuse because people have been through worse and never done anything bad but when when you're living in the deprived areas and you're getting commended for your bad behaviour then it's kind of like you kind of idolise it so I wanted to help people I wasn't sure how exactly but I knew that I was going to and yeah I wanted to do public speaking I've written a book so I just wanted to just make a difference and that all them things happened at once and it was yeah it was just what's the book called for people who make better I haven't published it yet it needs a structural edit because I'm not a writer but that will be coming next year I've written two actually I've written a practical guide as well of like what we just talked about how I overcome this offending behaviour that was in my opinion driven by the trauma that I've been through and just step by step what I did might not work for everyone but it's just how I had done it and that will probably be out before the autobiography but that's going to be next year looking at how I need a structural edit on it I would love to make it into a course or something like an ace awareness course an adverse childhood experience course in prisons that just gives them the understanding of how it affects your brain development emotional regulation increasing retaking behaviours and substance misuse and then how you can overcome it and then giving people that curiosity to say alright do I want to do the graph myself or am I going to continue to blame people because then people that are sitting in position of blame probably ain't going to change at that moment so I would love to that's the goal to eventually do something but I'm going into prisons next year doing talks so things are happening but it's slowly slowly You're already doing it brother think of where you've came from 100% because you know yourself it's the environment it's the circle we keep so when you came out were you already on that path of 100% starting to know who you wanted to be or were you thinking about getting active again No I never had any idea of getting active so I come out and I was trying to like do positive I end up on a tracker for 6 months I get released after the tracker comes off I get arrested for a crime I was at a party I dropped this guy back I got arrested for a kidnap with a firearm now I didn't do this they didn't charge me but they rang my probation up and told him we got him on this charge I end up NFA in it so I never got charged I never went to court but I got a recall for that so I've done a year on a recall after being out for 7 months and I was like right I need to and that's when I come I got a recall I end up getting a parole and they released me instantly because there were no charges I shouldn't have been in and there's so many people in prison now that are getting recalled without any charges because the police tell the probation that they think they're doing something and they're in prison and the police get up to 2 years to investigate that so if you've got a long licence they can take 2 years if they want and you're in prison but now did you not see the news the other day they're saying that they're not going to put rapists or burglars in prison but you've got people on recalls for phone calls how about letting them out before you start do you know what I mean the system is just crazy but so I come out then and I was more focused I was like fuck that I'm working with anyone that can cause me that and if I do it it's going to be in a controlled environment where I can back up my so I can't get recalled for a phone call and that's where I've been working with Andrew working with other people, mentors I've got to just get out there I want to do more public speaking I want to do maybe some corporates on resilience overcome university but more I want to get into prisons and help people like me or schools to maybe drink driving just to get this message out and maybe change some narratives and be proactive in society instead of just criticising and complaining actually contributing for once what about the soccer you kept before you went in because you know yourself and need to distance yourself from everyone I don't know no one from before I know them but I don't talk to no one from before and it's that happened naturally because they showed when you're in prison you see who people are especially when you're doing five years or weren't there so if you're showing up when I'm getting out I don't care because no one comes to see me and I probably wouldn't have I was in a bad place but yeah I didn't I'd never kept no friends from before What's your mum's city all now when I think about the shit I put her through it makes me upset now she's so proud of me and which that makes me happy but it's been a journey through so much shit and when I look at it the stress I've caused her is just like I can't do nothing but yeah now she's happy for the first time we have probably the strongest relationship we've had and that's not because it's because I'm in a position to offer that it's always been there but I've not ever seen it or been the man I needed to be to have that relationship and that's the one thing about embracing your vulnerabilities and looking at all your weaknesses and coming more up aware with your traumas you actually build deeper and meaningful relationships with people because you're in a position to yeah and my family and me are getting on better than I ever have and that is probably one of my proudest things actually so far That is the most important thing, same as myself as a father in that and passing the kids around when you get them just for other people to watch them and you're doubt fucking getting high and hiding and pretending and being weak and soft and vulnerable to fucking life because you can't handle it, you blame everybody else but when the changes happen that's the hardest thing for me and I always say it's when you start making changes it's the pain that you've done beforehand is to accept that and sometimes when you're in a good mid you'll think about fuck me or the pain and misery I caused my dad was dying of leukemia and I had a damn response through the door and it's three months to live and I'm out fucking high as fuck partying and you just think fuck me or that how do you do it sad as your life to not be a man and protect your family and be there for your family and make sure they're safe and I made everything unsafe because I was a fucking loose cannon and that's the thing when you make changes like you say proudest thing no matter if I get books out or having a podcast or whatever it is the most proudest moment is your mum going to sleep at night and only your baby is fucking on the right path no to sleepless nights or the phone calls at five in the morning because only time we get phone calls at five in the morning there's two reasons because somebody was out partying or the coppers were at your door do you know what I mean or somebody had been fucking short do you know what I mean the constant worry of not knowing when your son's out for three four days or the son's in prison with one fucking arm and do you know what I mean because men are on this planet to provide and protect but also mothers are protectors they protect their babies and then you destroy that and it fucks them up because they must struggle with PTSD struggle and have sleepless nights thinking fuck me the shit that I've been through but as a woman they just soldier on we are like the women we are the ones always complaining and this is what I always say women I believe are stronger than men men build the world yes but with the women and how they give birth and how they create life and what they put into trying to keep a roof over the kids heads and stuff it's unbelievable what they do men and women they have both roles and beneath each other there's a lot of talk now about the argument and fighting about men this and women this and both need each other but for me women are the center there women are the ones who who keep the world going men build it but women are the strong ones women can give a buffer nine month and do what she does to keep that kid healthy with the breastfeeding and the energy that she gives to keep kids there listen we need father figures we need that masculine energy million percent but women have got it sucked out more than men and I believe it's your mum what was it like when she said she's proud of you yeah it was a good moment because I hadn't given her many opportunities to say that before and now she says it quite often so it's like yeah it's such a good feeling and to actually acknowledge it before I didn't even think when I look like you say when you look back and you think what you've done it's so selfish so self-centred and yeah I can only now just try to make it a better future for her like I will show yeah it was lovely to hear so it's the most important thing that you've learned for people who do watch and listen like I always fucking repeat this but the majority of people do struggle in life and a lot of people are just happy going through their life working hard there's so many amazing people out there who just provide and try and do the right things for their family get up at five in the morning go to work come home at night have their dinner go to bed and then repeat that same cycle but I know a lot of people are in robotic mode we don't really know in depth how much childhood trauma affects them but what's the most important thing that you've learned going through your own journey is to just work through your shit go back look at your life adventure most critical moments the most things that are vivid in your mind and then assess how these especially obviously the negative things and then just understand how that's coming out how it's affecting you because it must be especially if you're in and out of prison how is it showing up how can you address it nowadays you don't need to be intellectual you can just go on chat gbt and ask it what are the best leading professor in childhood trauma would say and get the information so you could have it as your therapist if you really wanted to so you can work through this stuff but you just need to take that journey of addressing what's happened how it's showing up is it giving me negative beliefs am I in control of things you know like get control of your mind just become more self aware about what's happened in your life and how it's impacting the way you show up it's such a hard journey James to acknowledge that you are at fault for everything that's going on and to stop it and change it and stop being reactive or acting how you feel it's hard to accept that but for me once I did the narrative changed and I was in control I no longer was living my life from the weaknesses of others my emotional life anyway so yeah I had to had to go through that and just understand it and writing it down for me was the massive like okay okay now you get clarity from that who's leave now yeah it's good man honestly I live in steam and it's just I love it it's just I don't know I'm really I see a few people in the gym I'm just out here trying to slowly build I've got a few speaking events coming up I work with a charity like I said I'm going into prisons in January like I want to get more speaking sharing this message I'm going to publish these books next year and just yeah I'm just trying to slowly make a positive impact in society and things are really really good for me physically, mentally and spiritually I've worked on every bit and I feel so much better for it yeah I don't obviously we have days where you're down but I don't it's not like depression it's just you don't feel great to take it on with it you know that and things are just good yeah how's that in the gym and stuff because people are nosy people are always going like we're trying to look but even when you're trying to look you always get caught so you must see eyes on your old friends you know what I mean we're not being bad we're just nosy like how do you deal with that that people are looking at you at peace with it now or do you still kind of get it it used to be such a problem it used to be so defensive but now I get it you just are curious you just want to understand how that impacts your life because it's not normal to you so I get it and the gym people always ask me because I've got this thing that clips on and I do my chest as much as I can with a cable and that side and obviously it's never going to be the same as I'm going to be able to dig it cut from it's an above elbow amputation so it's not for whack then so you still get movement yeah I've got some like I can do a bit of chest here yeah it's people look and they're always going to look and I don't wear a prosthetic on them or because for me it was like why am I trying to mask and have something that has no benefits it's just there for aesthetics because I don't know but when I was in hospital they told me that I had a and I don't know if I'm saying this right a brachlo prexis fracture or something like that which basically means you've written the nerves at the top of the spine or something that's what I remember it as but these times are very vague and that means that the nerves something to do with them arms so I think the nerves kind of work with arms but because of that injury I don't I don't really understand but they said you wouldn't be able to have one of them robotic ones but I've never ever a symud wnaeth ymgolwyr i am wneud i ddim yn ymdill ac yn wneud i'r iawn am y gynhyrchu o'r wneudio phall erioedd yn beth oherwydd i gael. Ac yn uwch, mae'n ei gweithio'n llaw iawn i'r llaw. A pob o'n amlwch i ddim yn gweld o ff breadau sydd yn hynny, byddwch'n llaw iawn gyda'n gwybod yn gwneud o ddod yn mynd i fod yn llawer o'r blannu yn llaw iawn ar beth o'r llaw iawn. Yn g borders. yw'n ddweud? 100% I was talking, I was working with another charity and I worked there and there's these people, they have a couple guys that come and work sometimes and this guy was there on a three month contract and he'd been in prison and he was lost he was like to me, I don't know what I want to do and I'm like, I've been there, you know and you've just got no purpose and you don't know what you want to do and I'm like to him, what do you like and I was just trying to chat with him and he was like, I don't know this contract's ending soon and I don't know what I'm going to do and I was talking to him and trying to help him and then he ends up back in prison now he's in prison and I felt like I should have been able to help him more but you can't tell someone what they're going to do you can only share what you've done and if it resonates with him you can't tell him what to do and now he's in prison again so it's like how can I next time make that less of a chance of thinking about that myself like how can I share more or help him more because obviously me talking to him didn't change him going out and getting into trouble in that scenario but not everyone's ready for change are they you can't save everybody either sometimes actions can be enough for people to go if he's doing it I can do it instead of words because some people ain't ready to listen because if you were active and somebody says to if that guy who you looked up to a few years before that you'd have told me to fuck off I used to tell him about my drinking and drug taking all the time I used to think yeah yeah I used to think fucking mug you know what I mean if I try to tell kids now listen this is you can start now and have the fucking positive life in your 30s and 40s I'm working at mains late 30s 40s 50s I'm not 20 years behind but because I've learnt a lot in that life but if you can eliminate those negatives you can think and see things differently but if you don't it takes away your free thinking doing all the negative stuff see that waking up full of anger and fucking rage that's the worst feeling ever the time you don't always do but when you think about it now when your life starts becoming calmer it does become boring but that's at peace when your life's full of chaos and noise and the phone going there's problems here I've got this turn you want to make money here and it's all negative interactions there's smoking weed that's fucking drink it's violence it's cocaine it's parties it's just 100 mile an hour there's never any rest but when you actually take a day off you feel as if there's something missing so you get back involves in the chaos but a strip mold that back is painful taking away that fucking rider diamondality you do become lost and you think am I doing the right fucking decisions but when you start making the better plans the most important thing from always where is the relationships that you touched on is building those relationships have a better relationship with my family now the kids my mother and my sister and being present with them you need me am there sometimes people needed me and I was phone was off for 3-4 days because I was just fucking loose cannon you know it's heartbreaking because everybody's got goodness in them everybody's got change in them to be better to do better because man boxes are flooded with people who struggle every fucking day I'm on the hash or weed or fucking coke or I'm boozing or I'm struggling with my relationship but the only thing is you need to dig deep and make the changes yourself that can only say a few words and sometimes it could be the wrong thing I say sometimes it could be the right and some people do listen but it's the people who make the changes for 3 month of life who's going great and then they slip back into it it's just to keep reminding yourself why you wanted to change do you ever think about the old life and miss it not at all you know when I got recalled it was like I felt like down and it's like I'm back in this thing and I've not even done it I don't want this life and yeah no I don't miss it maybe financially you probably do at the beginning because it's hard isn't it and I'm still on the journey at the beginning but I never ever considered going back that way no I can't I can't do that to my family not like I just said to you I'll build these relationships and I can't put her through that no more because it's a sales habit as it comes with it you've got a couple of books ready to go out you're loosed all the way you've done it all but even the thing about changes where and doing the right things sometimes we feel as if it's all going to end anyway because we're used to fucking negative madness where nothing ever becomes good so we actually do good you think it's going to get stripped away so what we'll do is rip the whole ceiling down anyway we'll destroy it before it even fucking happens but in time it might not even happen anyway but did you ever feel the self-sabotage thoughts coming in or you totally passed that no I don't really get that if I I don't get self-sabotage thoughts I just try to stay focused and have a strict routine because I continuously do that I don't slip into that I think it's the people I'm around as well and they don't allow but they don't think like that I'm not in five companies to make those five choices and I think they pick me up when because the hardest thing is to continuously working and not seeing progress sometimes you don't see it but you've got to still continue and then it will come and that's when you start getting enforced but I've got the people around me that just say just keep doing what things are going to happen so at the moment it's been fortunate enough to stay away from them self-sabotaging thoughts for anybody that's watching this and that struggle they're now saying under that dark cloud and they think fuck me that that wasn't going to change, what advice would you have for them? change yeah that's a good question you have to, like I said already you have to look up what's gone on you have to analyse who you're around because the company you keep man it was major it's in a way I show up as well so it would be working for your own stuff and working out the people around you bringing positive outcomes if not then you need to address the circle you keep and the way you see the world because nothing's going to change if you keep seeing it the same way blaming everyone, no accountability no self-awareness you have to work on yourself and no point in working on yourself if you're keeping the same company because it's never going to it's never going to go together so just work on yourself and watch out for who you're around personally how important is meditation for you? every morning it made me more present because I suffered from hypervigilance through the PTSD I used to be always watching out being meditating just focusing on that breath for 30 minutes every morning makes me calm it sets my day before I go to gym I do that when I wake up and then it's like when I have conversations I can be there I can focus on one thing more it just made me more able to be present in conversations before I'd be like in thoughts in thoughts going on that's been massive I have to do that every morning without doubt probably as important as fitness to me watch your social medias for anybody watching maybe want to get you speaking in schools help you if you have bootcooking people contact you Chris Baker double underscore Chris double underscore Baker double underscore I'll give you the link Instagram, Twitter everything is the same would you like to finish up on anything I said bye? I'd love to say nothing here I'm not trying to glorify anything this is not me trying to say that crime is good or telling you my story for it's all to add context to how people can address their own stuff it's not about saying crime is good or trying to get ratings off of what I've done I'm actually not happy with the things I've done right there this is the reason I want to change and I just want it to resonate with people really just understanding that it's not about I'm not here to glorify anything that I've done but I think people who work the UK probably end up bro they'll see that, they'll see that good guy I've made changes, we're not here fucking yeah it's just getting involved in this we've still got to touch on your past for people to understand you because if you just come in here and think oh I've lost my arm I've made changes, I've lost five stone it's a good story but it's not as powerful and impactful as wait a minute I was still fucking robbing people when I was doing this my head was fried, my dad's fucked up I put my mum through pressure every day of her life changes and then what happens is the thing about these podcasts is to get an understanding of your story no stone is unturned, this is your life you're fucked up here but you're doing fucking amazing so everything you're doing I'm proud of you losing the weight, staying on the journey, writing the books I'll promote anything you need promoting when the books are out as well I'm happy to help I'm a very busy man but you've got my number so any questions, anything I'll always be in touch so I assume for coming on and telling your story I'll see you in the future, keep shining that light try to do the right thing God bless you bro