 What was the most painful thing about the pregnancy and my reaction to it? First and foremost, can we introduce the newest, latest, greatest member of shared entertainment? Ryu Shia Brady Hey, give her a round of applause. We got a baby. This is going to be the first video that we put out as parents. Yeah, I know. So shout out to you for being on this journey with us. It ended up beautifully. She's awesome. I'm really enjoying my time as a mom. I feel like you're swimming. Yeah, swimming. Swimming in it. Oh, I'm basking. I'm basking. You are basking. I'm basking in the fatherhood. It's actually, it's been crazy. Do you think this has changed our relationship? I don't think that, I mean, we've had a baby for two weeks. So, I mean, everything changes everything. Yeah. But the reason why I wanted to do this particular video, which is just like a reconnection video. Yeah. Is because I feel like pregnancy was really hard in our relationship. Yeah. I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say hard, but yeah. I mean, 2020. How about 2020? The last video they would argue that I was an asshole. And then you told me that you like masturbate by yourself. I could tell you were hurt. You could see it in my eyes? Yes, I could tell. Did you get hurt that I was hurt? No. No? No. Some could argue that. Do you feel like I was an asshole? No, I would not say that. What was the most painful thing about the pregnancy and my reaction to it? That's a really great question because we went on that walk. Yeah. Maybe like a week before I gave birth. You know what I'm talking about? The night walk. Shit on Jared. Shit on Jared walk. That's what that was. And I said to you, I'm not going to look back at this time and say you killed it. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of shit is that? But I don't know if that's true. You did an incredible job. Yeah. But I'm not going to look back on that time and say that I killed it. Why not? Here's the thing. Ryu is healthy, beautiful and alive and vibrant because you killed it. Thank you, baby. Yeah. I think, yeah, that's the thing is like I take comfort in knowing all the sacrifices were for the life of our child. So I'm really proud of how I did pregnancy as a pregnant woman. But as Shan Boudram, Shan Brady. Yeah. I don't know if I'm necessarily that proud of the way that I like copular pregnancy. But like in bits and spurts, it means my first time doing something. Yeah. I think maybe mostly in terms of our relationship or just my relationships in general. Here's the thing. I had a few talk with other husbands and other fathers. And they were like, yo, the last few weeks, she going to be at your throat. So when you popped up and took me on that walk and, you know, just listed off. You ain't shit, Jared. I actually was like, I think I even said in the in the conversation, like I'm not going to take this personal. Yeah. You know, there's a whole slew of other things that are going on. Not even privy to me. Yeah. I'm just the closest person to you. So I just had to take that cannon hit. Mm hmm. You know, you've just gone through so many months of not feeling like yourself. And then towards the end, now you have the anxiety of labor. That's kind of a thing too. It's like knowing, I explained this to Los actually. Los was like, are you excited for labor? I'm like, imagine knowing that you're going to break your leg next week. You don't know when. You don't know how, but you're going to break your leg. Like the pain I'm going to experience is going to be tremendous. And it was. Yeah. I don't know if it's break your leg back. I never broke a leg before. But there is an anxiety that starts to build up because all your life you've been told this is the most painful thing you're going to go through. So I think that there was like a lot of just mounting things that were happening at that time. And so yeah, I think it was a strain on our relationship, which interestingly, I was listening to this talk this morning by my favorite Esther Perrell. And she said that a lot of people strive for a happy relationship. A lot of people strive for a peaceful relationship. She said, I think the true benchmark is who? I said shout out to APM. Oh, APM. So I think the true benchmark is a creative relationship. And that was like a massive weight off of me. Because I feel like with you, based on what I do for a living and just based on how amazing our relationship has been this whole time. If we're not like killing it, you know, like peaceful and happy, I start to feel really defeated. And that's because my goal is to have like the best relationship. No drama, no problems, great sex, great connection, great communication all the time. He knows my needs. I know his needs. We're mutual. We're emotionally regulating ourselves. We have self insight. But the truth is the real goal is creativity where we flow with the times and creativity is not linear. It's not predictable. It's not formulaic. So when you say when she says creativity, does that mean like creating a happy atmosphere? Or is that something that's like, let me ask you, what does that mean to you when you hear when I hear it? I think of creating a happy atmosphere like creating the vibe or the situation that you want together. I think of creativity like rising to the occasion based on the circumstances, not based on what you've done or what you've known before. You're not always trying to duplicate what's worked in the past. And so creativity for me means acknowledging that even if we did have a period of time where everything was perfect and cohesive and happy, there could be a shift in circumstances now that we have to be creative in making something new rather than trying to like force the old formula down each other's throat. So I think creativity, and you know, we describe our relationship as like a free relationship because we don't use the term open because no one has engaged in that way. But a free relationship to me means like, hey, it's always up for negotiation for conversation. There is no hard set in stone rules. I'm always interested in what your truth is and what your best case scenario is and vice versa, I hope for me. But creative, I think is even cooler than free. And I often say this whenever we do have arguments. It's like, I'm the one that's always having a change. Why don't you ever have to change? And I feel like I'm always adapting to our relationship. So I connect with that creative relationship heavy because I feel like that is what makes me an ideal lover. That is what makes me be able to know no offense, but work with anybody that I want to because I will be able to... Why would I take a bench to that? I don't know. Because we're not special or you know what I mean? So I thought you were saying it like work with anybody like I'm a special case problem. What you meant is if you're not with me, you'd be successful with someone else. Yeah, because I would be able to adapt to whatever their needs if I want to. If I feel like they're worth it or they feel like they have something that I want or that I feel like we can have a great relationship. I'm going to figure out what is bothering you or what is our downfall in this relationship and I'm going to adapt to what you need. And with Ryu coming into play, I feel like we've gotten into a few little tips about Ryu already. There was a night where we weren't getting along. Ryu was waking up every couple of hours. So we were all sleep deprived. And you said to me, you're not making any space. You want to do this parenting thing how you want to do it. Yeah. And I was so caught off guard because in my mind, the style of parenting that I always envisioned for us was us to do it together. So the thought of me pushing you out and not giving you room to be involved with Ryu was the same as I am being involved with Ryu. Kind of hurt me. Interestingly enough, what I think of her everything I just watched was like, that's exactly what I think I was saying to you but not knowing how to say. And it always goes back to understanding somebody outside of like your connection. So she was saying, you know, there's like two types of societies. There's independent societies and there's co-dependent societies or interdependent. So that means that people work together. And so interdependence would be societies that are more community based. But America is a very independent society. Like your dreams, your success, your this. And so some people grew up in families that were interdependent and some people grew up in families that were independent. And when I think about you, you were by yourself by 18 years old. You're not an only child. You have other siblings, but more or less you've always been like the outside son because both of your parents got remarried and had children with the person they were married to. You've always relied heavily on yourself. Jared went through a period of time where you were homeless. You went through a period of time where you essentially were estranged from your family for a little bit of time. My experience is the total opposite. I come from a very tight-knit family. I come from a family where I always know I can rely on them. And if push comes to shove or financial trouble, like I was asking you that, like when you were homeless, why didn't you go live with this person? Why didn't you reach that person? You're like, that wasn't even an option in my mind. And so I think sometimes your mindset goes to like, I can do this. I want to do this. I'm doing this by myself. Whereas for me, I'm like, how do we do this together? Yeah. So I think that in those moments, and that was a really telling thing, because I said to you, you're not making space for me. What I meant by that is my vision of parenting was like, you change a diaper, I'll throw it out. Even in terms of cooking, I'm like, I cook, you clean. You cook, I clean. Like we're doing things together. In my house growing up, if somebody came home with groceries, you got your ass up. And you put those away. You put it away. Because that person did that job. Yeah. So there was always this trade-off thing happening. And so I envisioned the parenting being kind of like that, where we were doing it together, where you said to me, I thought you'd be happy that I'm doing everything. Yeah. You envisioned me on the phone with my friends, like, girl, like, he was up all night. I didn't get it at bed. I didn't do nothing. I wasn't even like, I was in sleep land. Like he's doing everything. Like that being the story that I would tell. Yeah. And I think, you know, it's funny because I'm in a split right now, because when I think about our parent, like our parenting style, I would want it to be the one that you're describing. My nature is, you know, I went through the labor with you. I was there. I witnessed it, you know. So my mind switched from, when we get home, I don't want her to have to do any of the hard lifting with right. I want to do that right now and give her a break because she had to carry this baby. She had to do all of these things. So in my mind, I was like, if I'm up, I'm going to try to take care of everything so that she can relax. And I was kind of hurt to know that my mind or my decision to be helpful was actually hurtful. So when you told me my reaction was anger, you know, I just want to apologize for that for one. I don't envision. My whole goal is to make this as smooth and as loving as possible, never to be a hindrance or my actions to be added weight to whatever you're going through. No, thank you. And I obviously owe you an apology because the way that I had brought that up, but in moments of like stress when I'm feeling hurt, my mind goes to like, I don't need you. And so I think that my, the energy that I give when I'm like coming to you with these problems is that energy. Yeah. It's not an energy of like, hey, I'm hurt or hey, I feel left out or hey, like, can we work together? Yeah. My energy is very like, you're fucking up. Yeah. You're about to lose something incredible. Yeah. And I said to you in that argument, I'm like, I really make sure you choose the next hand of your mouth wisely. I hate when you do those threatened arguments. I was like... I think I've caused distress by my reaction to criticism. It is defensive. It's argumentative. And it is less to do with validating what you're feeling and more to do with me making sure that you still see good in me. And I think that is probably our biggest issue. I feel like it's hard for you to discern between I'm telling you that you're hurtful right now versus I'm telling you that you're a hurtful person. Yes. Yeah. And that's what I have to work on. It's something that it's on the forefront of my brain and to react slower and to listen to what you're saying more before I am trying to defend myself. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Why is it so hard to offer me my love language in times of conflict? Because it's the literal opposite of mine. It's like trying to back in, you know those parking garage things where they only let you drive in, but if you back out, you'll rip up your tires. It's like trying to go in through that entrance. And so every time that I am... I should give you your love language, I feel like I'm ripping up my tires because my entire instinct is to go forward. Yeah. I feel like I've caused you distress in this relationship by not taking my own advice. But this is a pregnancy thing. So the advice that I gave in this podcast I did was the secret to a happy, harmonious marriage is using your shut the fuck up filter. Yes. Meaning that not everything that you think do you have to say and complain about. Not every problem do you have to make into a mountain. And in every other relationship we do that. At work we let people do some crazy things then we go home and complain to our partner about it. Or if our family members annoy us we say, okay mom I'm just the Amazon person is here I gotta go, bye. And then we complain about it to somebody else. We don't make everything they do their business to like fix and work on. Well now that I'm not pregnant anymore I mean that's something that I want to be able to give back to you even like being like, oh maybe his back hurts I want to do something for him. Maybe he's having a hard day. Maybe he's emotionally stressed because something isn't working out the way that he wanted to. I feel like this entire year has been you know rightfully so. Yeah. About me, my comfort, my feelings, my pain, my experiences and as we transition as a family to a new phase obviously the person who can't speak or do for themselves is most important. Yeah. Because they rely 100% on us. Yeah. But I do want to go back to the style that we were in before where it was a lot more equal and a lot more mutual. Yeah. No I think it's getting there. I think our lives are getting normal again even though this new addition's only been two weeks but I do feel like we're starting to get the hang of it and things are going to swim, we've got a routine and I'm excited for us to just continue down this path and continue to grow and continue to get better. So yeah I'm just excited. And I feel more connected to you than ever. Do you really? Yeah. Are you saying that because of the video? No. I feel more connected to you than ever. I feel more in awe of you than ever. I say this all the time with you. The greatest thing I think about being with you is I always feel like I'm getting a new boyfriend. Oh my God. I always feel like new look, new vibe, new energy, new swag and your dad's swag is so hot. It's so sexy. I was saying to Ry you last night I was like how are you going to feel that all your friends are going to be like your dad's fine? Oh my God. Like your dad's so fine. So I'm just so, you know, I'm so in awe of you. I'm so in love with you. All right so before we go I got a question for you. How would you define the term creative relationship? And speaking of creativity, this video is sponsored by Squarespace as per usual and we're looking for a creative right now to join our team. We're looking for somebody who's going to be like a social media manager slash video editor and it can be anybody working from abroad. It's a paid job. So you can actually go to our Squarespace website to learn more about that. 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