 Hey, what's up guys drew here that anxiety guy calm how many times this Holly heard me say that many now Holly back with Holly live from Mallorca. Is it beautiful? Hey? It's beautiful. Yeah, it's early in the morning here, and it's freakin freezing. So enjoy the warm weather You're sitting outside. I hear birds like come on. Yeah If you're quiet here, you'll hear the heater that I have running in my office because it's so Cold So today we are gonna talk to a different group of people. So if you usually watch us Because you're dealing with panic and anxiety and agoraphobia and all that stuff Go make yourself a pot of tea or something and get your husband or wife or mom or dad or best friend or whoever is important in Your life and tell them to come watch this video because we're gonna talk to them. Yeah, this isn't for you Yeah, I mean it is watch along with them You know and fist pump and we say good stuff that you like But but this is a video for people who are living with and have relationships with and are you know have close Relationships are friends with people who have anxiety disorders panic disorder agoraphobia, you know recurring panic attacks OCD all that sort of stuff. Yeah So we're gonna talk to you So if that's your husband your wife your boyfriend your girlfriend your partner your best friend's your parent your sister Your sibling whoever if there's somebody close to you in your life that is dealing with these issues Then this we're gonna talk to you and what the best way that you can approach this and what you can do for that person and with With that person more so Tell them because they may not know how those these people do and I suffered from from these things You know big big time and now we are recovered and we don't anymore. Correct Yeah, so we make these videos and we try and help people through recovery of anxiety disorders and Panic disorder and agoraphobia and all that and now we're trying to say it to you to people around them because that's it Kind of big big deal as well It is so the people that we address all the time often have this topic that they want to talk about So the effect of the disorder on on their relationships of marriage or friendships or whatever So it is a big topic and I think so Holly's correct. We've both been down this road For quite a while and we've both been in the pits of it in the worst of it And now we're both living very normal lives and trying to help people out So I think the first thing I'd want to say to people who are watching who are dealing with somebody who has an anxiety disorder Crippling panic attacks won't leave the house keeps cancelling plans can't go to dinner has 8 zillion different Restrictions on how they have to do things so that they're safe can only go out with you or don't want to be left alone all these things Right, so we're not talking about just somebody who's anxious about their career. This is somebody who has an anxiety disorder Yeah, we should talk for at least a couple of minutes on on what it is and what it isn't like the popular Misconcept or the popular thing in the West like oh, I saw a commercial for anti-depressant on TV So just go to your doctor and get a pill and it'll all be better So we should probably talk about the whole cognitive and behavioral thing. Yeah, right? So yeah So so here's the deal Significant other friend whoever you happen to be watching and thanks for watching by the way It's you doing a good thing Like an anxiety disorder is a cognitive and learning problem These are bad brain habits that your person has gotten into over the years and it's essentially like a phobia, right? So like I forget if you get bit by a dog you could instantly develop a phobia of dogs Yeah, and so when you have your first panic attack. Yeah, what happens? Yeah Yeah, it's like it's because it's so intensely scary because and You know it like literally is sort of like feared distilled like chemically through your body to make you Like it makes you feel like the most scared you've ever been but you don't know what you're even scared of And it's such a scary thing to go through That you never want to go through it again that you develop a phobia of it of it happening again And that is panic disorder in its simplest form Correct So many many people in fact if you're watching you may have had a panic attack or two in your life Just that for you. You never developed the anxiety disorder. So yeah A panic attack is about the scariest thing you can encounter without actually being in danger because you are this person You know this person is really okay, but they don't know that they that fear is every bit is real to them as if they were Having an actual heart attack or a stroke or they were dying or going insane Or if somebody held was holding a gun to their head that fear is every bit is real to them and it is real fear It's just it just triggered at the wrong time. It's essentially the fight-or-flight response triggered at the wrong time Yeah, and it's such a bad experience that this person begins to fear the next time it happens And that's when it becomes a disorder So all the hallmarks what when when was your first panic attack? Let's talk about that for a second Would you remember where it happened? Yeah, I was just at home I was 11 years old and I was at home watching TV with my parents in the evening in November and Just out of nowhere I had a panic attack and yeah, yeah It was just the worst thing that had ever happened and I didn't know what it was or what was happening Or I mean I just you just feel like you're dying and going mad and just it's just yeah Yeah, it's horrible. It's just insanely awful. Yeah, it is horrible. So we'll use terms like that We always tell the actual sufferer like stop saying it's horrible Like we always say that to them, but to you if you're watching your husband We all know already yeah, right exactly, but I mean it is a horrible experience It's an experience nobody would ever choose to go through Especially when you don't know what it is When it first comes and you don't know what it is and no one even you never knew what a panic attack was or that this Is what it is that's happening to you. It is like it is really really scary The fact sort of can come out of the blue like that. It's just you know Yeah, yeah, it's really difficult to go through and so it's such a bad experience that Many people and some people have a panic attack and just go on with their lives And we don't know why one person does another one doesn't we don't know that But what we do know is that some people have that first panic attack and immediately begin to worry about it happening again So my guess is that you know usually one of two things either you sort of don't care But then it happens the second time and now you care or even the first time it happens You start to worry that it will happen again Yeah, and when you start I know you talked about struggles with being in school So the way it develops into lifestyle modification is wherever those symptoms of panic hit You start to become afraid of being in those situations So if it happens while you're in the car You don't want to drive the car anymore if it happens while you're in the supermarket You do not want to go to the supermarket anymore. You had issues with school I would imagine when you were young correct Because I mean when it happened to me it sort of seemed so intense and I was so young and Didn't really understand anything and it appeared to me like I had a panic attack that lasted nine months Obviously, I didn't because it's physically impossible but I Was just in this heightened state of like, you know, very frequent panic attacks So I couldn't go to like, I mean just the idea I couldn't leave my house, you know, I could Right Yeah, so I didn't go to school and I was so worried my my big fear was that people would see me having a panic attack So I was sort of like freaking out and crying and you know, like grabbing my face and you know Appeared like I was insane, right? So I didn't want anyone to see me like that. So I just stayed in the house, you know, I didn't leave That's the natural progression So a panic attack is that fight-or-flight response triggered at the wrong time It's incredibly scary even though there's no reason to be scared That's true and you know that you know that your husband or wife is okay But they don't know that at the time and then the disorder happens when you become afraid of the next one and panic disorder can Then you start to modify your lifestyle So like Holly said, she didn't want to leave the house just for various reasons Some people don't want to leave the house or can't go into certain situations or can't do it alone because they're afraid They're still afraid of those feelings and they believe the danger to still be real That's why I'm saying it's a cognitive and a learning problem. It's not a body problem. It's a mind problem So they still interpret those issues. They still interpret their heart pounding or sweating or feeling a little dizzy as actually dangerous and You're right And so one of the most common things that you know, you'll hear them say it felt like it feels like I'm going Yeah, I almost did this I almost passed out. It felt like I was going to die It felt like I was going crazy and me well for the for you The significant other the friend who doesn't have this problem. You're saying like no, you're not going to die You're not you didn't pass out. You're not going to pass out. You never pass out Right, right and that makes sense because that's rational and that's correct But to the person who is actually experiencing these panic attacks or these heightened states of anxiety It's there they will avoid those situations in their world starts to get smaller and smaller and they start to modify things And avoid more and more and more refuse to do things or require that you be with them to keep them what they think is safe So a recurring theme is the same person Yeah I would say there's a few branches that people go down One is that like then they will get smaller because maybe like me It was probably more like a social anxiety like Right of social anxiety base where I didn't want people to see me having such a bad time You know so I could stay at home and I was I was having panic attacks wherever I was There wasn't certain triggers for me. It was just like all the time or whatever or randomly Right, I would do better at home because at then at least no one would see me like freaking out You know, yeah, and then for other people When they feel the sentence that they have like a health anxiety and they're convinced that it's not just a panic attack It's actually something that they're having a heart attack or they're gonna have a seizure or a stroke or you know They're gonna pass out whatever so they think that something really wrong with them And so it makes them more scared and you know, and then down that route And then the other one is that like people have triggers that sort of caused their panic And they're so scared of how they feel when they panic that they just try and avoid all of the triggers Yes, and sometimes I mean to me it was probably like a combination of all of them as well It is it is but you know like they're the sort of like main sort of branches. I would say I might be missing some but like no then And so like I don't want to go so that's why you sometimes get like the safe Person as well because like maybe they were on their own when they had a panic attack And so they think that if they're with someone then they'll be okay Or they're worried that they're gonna have a seat like a heart attack at least if someone's with them They can take them to the hospital and you know, that's correct And I think that's why the safe person or that and that's why it's such a strange myriad of we see people who can't leave the house Or people who only want to leave the house People who develop the strangest safe zones if you will so people with advanced panic disorder that starts to lead to things like Agoraphobia, which can also lead to something called monophobia where that person is afraid to be alone It's all based on being afraid of something they don't need to be afraid of and Either you're afraid that you're gonna look foolish while this is happening like Holly's issue was primarily My issue was the being afraid of how it felt like I thought I really needed help or rescuing like I'm gonna need an ambulance I'm gonna need an ER. I'm gonna I'm gonna die like the most common fears that come along with a panic attack are death and Mental incapacitation Right, like I'm either going to die or literally go insane like the person literally thinks they're gonna go insane Uncle used to have it when he was younger and he wouldn't be left in a room by himself when he was having a price Because he was so scared that he would disappear and that no one would be able to see him And they'd all be sort of like talking and he'd be like, I'm here. I'm here and they'd be like, oh, where is he? So, I mean, it's so stupid. I know that was like a real that was a real fear Yeah, I mean I have and believe me so this is something I have been doing this I've been podcasting on this for four or five years now and And before that spent many many years interacting online with people who deal with this and I have heard many I've heard the best one ever and but these are real So if you're watching this because you your husband or wife or someone important to you is dealing with this Like this is real. I actually interacted with somebody years ago whose fear was that gravity would stop working My god and that was Yes, like how far out there is that and if you're watching it now And we could look as rational people and even most people with panic disorder Grotophobia you would say okay that is way out there, but to this person that was a very real fear That's it was as real to them as like, oh, I might you know stub my toe or I might I might get a cold Or the flu like we all would think we can get the flu That's a that's a possible thing that can happen This person truly had them self convinced that well gravity could turn off and what will happen like well all die so Like there's it There's an obsessional component to the anxiety complex usually some form of OCD comes along with it whether it's a Rational obsessive intrusive thoughts that fuel this avoidance and safety behaviors or there's a bunch of stuff And honestly your person might not as good as your relationship might be might not even be telling you all the stuff That they're thinking afraid of because it in their rational moments. They understand like oh boy that I can't tell anybody this This is too far out there So Holly's uncle was afraid that he would disappear and and I knew a woman who was afraid they gravity was gonna turn off So this is real. This is this is a real thing So and and I think just to sum that up because we spent 15 minutes on what it is and I think that's super important like To sum it up like the this is that thing where the person is afraid of how they feel and what they think So the approach the most effective approach We know of is not to try and stop them from feeling it and thinking it Like which is that the traditional way that we do it in the West Which is you go to your doctor and he or she gives you a pill a tranquilizer to calm you down and an anti-depressant and they tell you have a chemical imbalance and In the end that is no more effective and it comes with a slew of problems and side effects as the behavioral and cognitive approach That we're talking about here like it is by far hands down No question Mountains and mountains of decades of evidence that the cognitive behavioral approach to this is the best approach longest lasting Best no side effects, but as we're gonna talk about now your person has to do some very hard work Really hard work. Yeah, and scary has to do things that are intentionally very scary for them. So Let's move on to how do you deal with Yeah, let me just explain that the cognitive behavioral thing is that so the just quickly the idea is that thinking feeling and Behaviors are all interlinked and they all kind of affect each other and it's very very hard to say to someone like Well, just stop feeling scared Because you just can't really just change the way you feel about something like that And it's very difficult even to change your thoughts quickly, you know Like so we'll just stop thinking those things But what is very easy to change is your behaviors easy to a degree, you know behaviors the things you actually do and so the idea is that if you change the way the things you do When you are anxious You in turn it affects your over time in turn like affects the way you feel and the way you think about stuff and so that's how Sort of like the the approach really goes But those three things sort of affect each other and it's very hard to just change your feelings and change your thinking But you can change your behavior That's true So like the the basis of it is when when your person are gonna keep calling them your person when your husband Wife or whoever your friend when they're feeling okay Reasonably okay and rational they can work on how do I change my thinking? Let me look at those thought patterns learn to identify the negative thoughts or the triggering thoughts and Understand what they are and they can think rationally and work rationally to the thinking part But when the shit hits the fan for you know in plain English All that goes out the window and now the best you could do is learn to not react the way you've always reacted So the the best way to do that is if you have a phobia of dogs I think people understand this like if you were trying to get over a phobia of dogs You would you would probably sit down when you're feeling good and learn about dogs and learn how safe they are and learn You know their social interactions of what makes them okay that had to identify an aggressive dog You would do all that studying part But when you get in a room with a dog You lose it you freak out and the only way that you can get over that fear is to stop freaking out Yeah, and like in a methodical way begin to get closer and closer to that dog right dog We'll get closer to the dog. Yeah, correct So this is all about like learning the thought things and working on that but also slowly and methodically Actually going into the situations that you've learned to be afraid of so that you can learn that you don't need to be afraid of them There you go. Yeah To prop the phone up on like your coffee cup So Yeah, so that's the cognitive behavioral model that says you start to work on changing your thoughts and your behaviors and your reaction to the fear So the number one thing we're gonna we're gonna say to you right now is understand that this person their job is now To go directly into the fear instead of running from it and to surrender to it and not fight it Because Yeah, and I think that's that experiential learning thing that says the only way to not be afraid of a panic attack is to let it Do the worst thing that that person thinks it's gonna do So that their brain literally learns through experience is the best way that we learned as human beings that it didn't happen And then you do that again and again and again and it and over time the brain understands like oh That is really uncomfortable and I don't like it But I don't have to be afraid of it Yeah, because what's really important for everyone to realize is that the person suffering Anxiety every time they react with fear to their panic attack to their anxiety to the thoughts that they're having They are all they're doing is feeding The the anxiety even more because the adrenaline works in the way that so the your body's like flooding with adrenaline To make you able to physically like run or or or fight or whatever because it thinks that you're like a literal like physical danger It's like from the old like caveman sort of like guys, right? and so Because but because it's being triggered at the wrong time And so they're feeling all this and it makes you feel kind of weird You know as if like because it cuts off blood to your stomach and it puts more blood into your muscles And you know so you can shake your sweat all those symptoms that you get and it can make you feel really like weird and like out of yourself and all Every time you react with fear to that like oh my god. I feel awful. This is awful Because your brain like says like oh you're really really scared You must therefore like fear must equal danger because you wouldn't be scared if you weren't in danger So you must still be in danger. So I'm gonna keep sending you adrenaline I'm gonna keep you in this like in this response so that you can definitely get away from the danger Of course the more it sends you and the more you like react with fear to it The more it keeps sending and that's like the the fear cycle that we all get trapped into. That's so We are keep it like the person suffering is keeping themselves stuck by reacting every single time They're reacting with fear and what they have to have to have to do is break that cycle and not be And that's the bit where it's how like well, just don't be scared of it like yeah, right? Yeah sounds easy to say that's exactly right And then so as the rational person like the person who doesn't have panic the husband the wife, whoever you are Yes, it's super easy to just say oh that sounds so easy. Just don't be afraid But it's it doesn't work that way So the way your person has to do this is when those feelings hit they have to actually do the the exact opposite So this is almost always about doing the opposite of what they want to do like they want to run They want to call for help. They want to distract themselves They want to fight and tense and push it away and try and stop and and and sit there and go I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay and argue with the irrational crazy thoughts that they're having But that's not what you do because that says when I do these things when I snap a rubber band or drink water or eat Mints or they call you for help and want to talk. Please help me. I'm having panic attack Please talk to me when they do that They are actually reinforcing the mistaken belief that that phone call saved them from some horrible fate But it didn't so the person has to understand that even if they did nothing But lay still and breathe all alone in the middle of the desert on a boat in the middle of the ocean They would still be okay They need to learn that and they only learn that through experience and letting the worst thing happen because it doesn't happen so this is what they this is the process that they have to go through and So like how do you let me just a little programming note while we're at it So how we didn't plan this out so well we're 22 minutes into this. Maybe this has to be multiple videos We've talked a lot about what it is and the mechanics which I think people need to understand So now this would be the what you do as the person around the person, right? So like this is what it is. This is what this person is going through. This is what it's not a go get a pill It's not a ghost to the doctor. It's not to eat more. It's not to stop drinking coffee It's not any of these things. It's this is a learning and cognitive thing and the person has to start going into fear to learn Experientially that they don't have to be afraid and Maybe the next video has to be like, okay, then what what should you be doing because this is super long All right, so so that's fine. So stick with us Well, we'll wrap this one up I think and then we'll do another one maybe right away if you have the time I don't have yeah on how so people don't have to watch an hour with a video so So now that we know what the person has to do which is crazy hard Crazy crazy hard. Yeah, they have to do the opposite of what they want to do they want to go into the fear instead of avoiding and away from the fear and They manage Thank you. Yeah, why don't you why don't you expound on that a little bit because I think that's important to say like Just now be like, oh, well, you haven't left the house in six months So like but you have to go into the first so come on into the car Let's go down the shopping mall like no, no, no, no, that's way too much It has to be in small small manageable steps. Correct. It's just it like It's called flooding right and it just has like the opposite. So right Yeah, and so I think you know the other thing that we should add to that is even when and your husband wife Whoever it is they may have just stumbled upon this because most people don't they don't think they don't even know about this They just know they have this thing. They think it's an external problem. It's a mental illness. It's this thing happening to them And it's not it's really not and it's and it's cured cured I will use the word cure but people get over this millions and millions and millions of people all over the world get over this every year Every year like it's happening right now. There are people who used to have crippling agoraphobia that are living normal I was you seeing two of them right now. So So small manageable steps is one thing and you have to understand this is new to them Maybe like I have to do what I have to actually walk down the block by myself Like that seems crazy to them or incredibly scary Well, like why would you make me do that because it's like they're being asked to walk into actual danger They don't understand yet possibly that they're they're not like nobody's asking them to do anything actually dangerous So they have to get their brain around that task I think I don't understand that has to be broken into manageable pieces and the one thing, you know, maybe segue into what the next video is going to be that you always have to remember is That the person is Experiencing is as every the fear that they are experiencing is every bit as real as you would experience in the scariest possible situation you can imagine Right. So if you have never had a panic attack or you've had them But they're no big deal and you don't have a agoraphobia But your wife does your husband or your sister does or whoever in your life Just imagine Suddenly finding yourself where your chest hurts and you can't breathe and you are having a what you are Convinces a fatal heart attack as an example like how would that make you feel that is how your husband wife sister brother friend feels when this happens and Being pulled on them like yeah. Yes. Yeah, that's exactly how they feel. So if you take anything away from this, it's that that fear is real Yet it's an irrational fear and it needs to be uncovered as such so it's not a quick fix It's not a pull yourself together all the things we're saying but it is completely Recoverable It is it is completely and utterly recoverable I think and if you look at this problem that your your special person is having as a Bad brain habit as opposed to continually looking for what can you swallow? What can you change in your diet? You just we've heard all of these things you just need some fresh air You just you need to get out you need to have a few beers you need to have like we've heard all of these things Oh, you're eating too much sugar sugar is poison. It's giving you anxiety. No, you got to abandon all of those things That is not what this is. I mean will caffeine make somebody a little bit jittery sure it will but it's not too much caffeine That's causing this problem. This is not a body problem. The body thing is just the symptom of the problem. So That's what it is. Do you think we missed anything trying to explain What's going on because I think for a lot of significant others and fans friends and family like this is new information They would have never thought of it this way. It's you hear this all the time Yeah, yeah, my husband my wife just doesn't understand things. I should just get it together Like why can't I just do what I have to do? Well, this is why they can't do what they have to do Yeah, so what we're gonna be asking you to do is like a weird middle ground between between being very understanding and sympathetic but being like quite hard and and You know helpful Yeah, it's to like coddling and Enabling the anxiety which is a lot of the time what ends up happening Correct or the other either people end up enabling by being like too helpful to do like doing what the people ask them to do for them All the time. Yeah, and they actually just enables their anxiety or they're just like too harsh and like too Distant and cold and just go please off together you stupid person because there's nothing there You know, and this is like we're gonna ask you somewhere and like there's a middle ground. That's very very Good. Yeah. Yeah, I think in this second video What that we're gonna do what that's exactly we're gonna kind of teach you how to tow that line Between supportive but really what you're gonna be is you're gonna become a cheerleader And you're gonna become a source of Innisfree You're actually gonna become a model for that person because we often tell these people who suffer with this like just let your husband Or wife don't be angry that he wants you to go to dinner. Let him model that behavior for you So, you know, so you will become a model you will become a cheerleader You'll become a supporter sometimes your shoulder to cry on but sometimes you're a it's okay Like remember what this is remember what's going on here And I remember what you have to do and go do it and I'll be here waiting for you when you get back And you know, I'll root you on that's what you're gonna become more than anything else. So And we'll bring it on the next video Call did I don't know if it's like no, you're fine. I didn't even notice. Yeah And I think the other thing we'll talk about maybe we'll just talk about the next video is what what your special person's responsibility is in this They have a responsibility to so they have to acknowledge that these are bad brain habits And they're not really second and that they can fix it And if they can acknowledge that take responsibility and commit to doing the work Then you have to become a cheerleader and a supporter and on all of those things in a special kind of way So we'll talk about that in part two. Yes. Yes awesome. All right, so Thanks for watching. We're saying so weird because we're just gonna go right into part two and probably but we'll assume that you're watching at some Of the time who knows and I guess if you want to know more I mean if you're watching with your whoever this person is in your life They've already found us so they know the Facebook group and they know my website and all that stuff So just just see what they've been, you know, watch some videos with them and see what they're going through Really, I think they'd really appreciate it. They really would All right, cool. Thanks guys. Thanks for stopping in and we'll see you on the next the next version of this Hang in there. Bye. Stop recording awkward stop recording