 Transcribed. Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous, presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good evening, this is Ronald Coleman. Beneath the Coleman. Inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College as the guests of our sponsors, the Brewers of Schlitz Beer. Tonight's program is dedicated to Dr. Marion T. Harrington, president of Texas A&M College. The taste of Schlitz. The taste so many people prefer has made Schlitz beer first in sales in the USA. If you like good beer, do as millions of people are doing all over the nation. Ask for Schlitz, the most popular beer in history. That's around us here today. Welcome again to Ivy. Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. It's been an eventful day on the campus, not because of the usual activities of the faculty and student body, not because of what anybody did, but because of what one undergraduate refused to do. His actions thrown the college into an uproar with factions beginning to form on all sides. But Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, president of Ivy, is completely unaware of the incident, since he and his wife Victoria have been at the state capitol all day attending an educational conference. It's dusk as they're driving back home and they've just turned up Elm Street on their way to number one faculty role, as Dr. Hall is saying, You know, Vicki, if you ever had a rival for my affections, it would be this campus. Returning to Ivy, even after a very brief absence, is like returning to a circle of old and cherished friends. It's better. The campus doesn't call you up and want you to play bridge after you come home tired and hungry. Of course, I suppose my emotions concerning it are somewhat mixed, as I am both its acting father, so to speak, and one of its sons. Starting here as a freshman student, then coming back as instructor, then professor, and now as president. You know, I've always thought that you scholars ought to have decorations to wear on your chest, like campaign ribbon. Well, that's a splendid idea. Oh, nothing really. I've got ideas I haven't even thought of yet. Well, imagine meeting a fellow pedagogue in a hotel lobby, examining his chest and being able to read off his academic accomplishments. Aha, master of arts, with oak leaf cluster for advancing through smoke of burning midnight oil. Oh, bachelor of science, with purple heart for wounded ego when refused to raise. It ought to be a medal to heroism too, wearing a vest in hot weather just to show off a Phi Beta Kappa key. Ficky, my love, it's an inspiration. I shall lose no time in suggesting it to the next annual NEPAD meeting. What meeting? NEPAD? Yes, dear, N-I-E-P-A-D, National Institute of Executives, Presidents and Deans. It was suggested that we call it NEPAD because we spend so much of our time praying for endowments. Well, here we are. Well, again, number one faculty row still seems to be where we left it this morning, hasn't moved an inch. Ah, nothing has changed, apparently. Even the chimes are running on time. Toddie, suddenly I'd like to meet our bell ringer. I have such a charming mental picture of a little feather of a man swinging bravely at the end of a rope. A sort of human yo-yo. Well, I hate to disenchant you, my love, but our chimes are operated by an electrically controlled timing device. No, little yo-yo. No, dear, no, no. The age of electronics has eliminated the factor of human error while preserving the mellow cadences of the Middle Ages. We are rapidly advancing toward that happy utopia wherein human beings can be eliminated entirely. And the universe will be run by push buttons, pushed by levers, pushed by other push buttons. Eventually, we were... Oh, hello, Professor Maxwell. Good evening, Dr. Hall. Hello, Professor Maxwell. And how's our favorite astronomy, Professor, tonight? Well, I still seem to be rotating on my axis, and I've just paid my income taxes. Oh, say that, that's quite good. You follow me, Dr. Axis. Oh, I do, Professor, yes. Axis. You know, I don't understand why I never think of these things to say in class. Apparently, I'm just a sidewalk whip. But a classroom bore. Well, with warmer weather approaching, you might start holding classes on the sidewalk. You seem to handle the abstract better on the concrete. Oh, okay. You sure are an absolute rock. Won't you come inside, Professor? Oh, no, no, no, thank you. It's not really a visit. I just thought perhaps you had heard, but... Oh, no, you were away all day, so you wouldn't have. And you must be tired. It is dinner time, isn't it? Well, I won't bother you now. Oh, but if it's something important, you wanted to see me about... Well, I... No, no, no, I really... You know, I never noticed it before, but you get a very good view of Castor and Pollock from your front porch, don't you? Do we? Yes, yes, indeed. Oh, here I am talking shop again while you're politely shivering. I'll drop in another time, if I may. Oh, please do, Professor, anytime. I'll make it soon. Thank you, thank you. I will. Good night. Good night. Ah, he's such a cupcake, isn't he? He enjoys his little joke so much. Yes, he's a completely unpretentious scholar, and a brilliant one. I wonder what he meant by perhaps we'd heard. Oh, you're coming. Good evening, Dr. Hall, Mrs. Hall. Ah, Louisa. Have a nice quiet day while we were gone? I don't know, Mrs. Hall, I've been too busy. There's a fire in the library. Good heavens, did you call the fire department? Send the fireplace, Mrs. Hall. Here's a list of phone calls. Thank you, Louisa. Anything urgent? Doesn't seem to be. Capricorn was here on and off. Capricorn? I'm afraid we only have orange marmalade for dinner. Only marmalade? Well, of course, it's always wise to eat lightly after a long trip. Small saucer of marmalade, not to bed. Well, we're out of strawberry. I hope you like it. Charlie killed it himself this morning. Charlie killed his strawberry? No, Mrs. Hall, fried chicken. Oh, oh, yeah. I put fresh towels in the bathroom. Hot biscuits, too. My work to do. Well, there goes the world's greatest antidote to locustity. Capricorn. Oh, I know that's our little star man, Professor Maxwell. Oh, yes, yes, it must have been. Then he was waiting to see us. I wonder why. Maybe he wasn't just joking about his income tax. Maybe now that he's paid it, he wants to raise. Come on, darling, let's go in and sit for the fire until Louisa calls us for dinner. Yes, in the words of William Cowper, we shall stir the fire and close the shutters fast. Let fall the curtains, wheel the sofa around. Ah, so let us welcome peaceful evening in. Oh, so cozy. Oh, there goes our peaceful evening. Oh, don't bother, Louisa, I'll get it. Yes, I know it's dinner time. Why, Mr. Wellman, good evening. I couldn't wait. I simply had to. Good evening, Mrs. Hall. Come in, won't you? I hope you haven't heard yet because I wanted to be the one. Oh, Mr. Wellman, I thought you'd never. So you finally got back, Dr. Hall. Well, not finally, Mr. Wellman, just. Just what? Oh, I see, just a fact, yes. Do you miss us, Mr. Wellman? Well, what I miss, it's what you miss. I have been laughing all day long. I couldn't wait. Well, if it's that good, by all means, let's hear it. He simply got up and walked out, Dr. Hall. Walked out. I can't wait. Give us a punchline. Well, well, well, Mrs. Hall, you won't believe it. He just slammed the paper on the desk and said, I refuse. Refuse, by you. That is, he said, I refuse to take this examination because it's too ridiculously easy. Easy. Then he got up and walked out. What do you think of that, Dr. Hall? Well, who is he? What paper and where? Young Leslie Gifford refused to take an examination in Professor Maxwell's astronomy course today, period. Too easy. Professor Maxwell. Well, Dr. Hall, what's the matter? You're not laughing. Perhaps I missed something. Don't tell me you don't think it's funny. Now, Mr. Wellman, if you're telling me that a student made a public demonstration about an examination paper, then it seems to me that the boy was extremely rude. Rude? How can you be rude to Professor Maxwell? Paid in the stars doesn't even know what kind of day it is. Strange, you should say that. Professor Maxwell, of all people, knows with astronomical exactitude why the time of day is the time it is. After all, if it went for our astronomers, the farmer wouldn't have his calendar of the seasons, the fisherman his table of tides, the statesman their maps, the sailor his means of navigating a ship into port. Farmer, steamships, fishing, politics. What have they got to do with young Giffords? I'm asking you, don't you admire his spunk spirit? I call it very bad manners, Mr. Wellman. I don't think it's very funny. Oh, you don't? Well, Mrs. Hall, it may surprise you to know that now that I think of it, I don't think so either. It's a disgrace. Oh, Mr. Wellman, you gave in awfully easy on that one. That's what's disgraceful. That's what they call Professor Maxwell, easy maxi. Why everybody knows it is a pipe cost. Why the students say, take Maxwell's class and get a good day's sleep. Dr. Hall, you should give Gifford a medal and fire Maxwell. Are you suggesting that every time a student refuses to take an examination, you'd fire the professor? Dr. Hall, this is no joking matter. I mean, what happened to my joke? I thought it was very funny. But Dr. Hall, if you don't speak to Maxwell about his scandalous latitude, it won't be. Funny, I mean. And you know what I mean. Good bye. Oh, Professor Maxwell of all people. I hope he won't become the victim of one young man's impudence and flippancy. They didn't abet it by Mr. Wellman's flipping. Yes. As Addison observed, Vicki, the talent of turning men into ridicule is the qualification of little, ungenerous tempers. But lest we be ungenerous ourselves, we'd better have a talk with Professor Maxwell. Yes, and find out what kind of an examination was so easy that a student wouldn't take it. I can't remember any other instance in my entire career when a student complained because he knew the answer to a question. When I turned up my coat collar to combat the icy blast blowing down Ivy's main street, I noticed I needed a haircut. So I dropped in a dark fish's tonsorial parlor and shading him for him. Well, well, Mr. Carpenter, you're in luck today. I have a haircut here that's just your size and at a price you like, too. Good. I didn't know if you'd be busy or not, Doc, but I just take a chance. Shucks, Mr. Carpenter, it's been so quiet today I haven't even got the clippers warm. What'll it be? Oh, usual things. There's us on the side. How long have you been the college barber here at Ivy, Doc? Well, we've seen now nine to 35 years, I guess. I've clipped more people than a spry politician. Yeah, 35 years last spring. I remember the day I opened the shop here. It was a Saturday, hot day, too. I put in a mighty good day's work. That was back when the faculty had its hair. And after closing up shop, I went home, sat on the porch and had a big, cold glass of beer. Man, did that beer taste good? I can remember it yet. When I say that beer tasted good, I mean tasted good right down to my tired toes. Doc, I hope it was Schlitz because you know... Sure it was Schlitz. What else could it be? Yes, sir, I know all about Schlitz beer. I've been drinking Schlitz for years. Best beer there is. Why, it's the best. I know, I know. Schlitz is the best light beer in America. And it ought to be. Seems like all McCrooney's like it better than any other beer, too. And their family's like it. I'll say this. People are drinking Schlitz and we'll go right on drinking it because it tastes so good. The beer that made Milwaukee famous. That's just what... Milwaukee! Now, there's a town. I know all about it. Mighty night folks up there. Good town, too. That's the road. To the Halls of Ivy. It's the next morning and Dr. Hall, while awaiting the arrival of Professor Maxwell, is absorbed in astronomical calculations. Is why Victoria's doing some figuring of her own. Let me see. £3, £1.38 a pound. £3.8, £24. £3, and £3. £3.3, that's nine. And £3 is 12. Oh, no. £2. And £3.3, £11. Do you know what that means, Charlie? Well, if £3.3 is at 11, it means your carriage are too, too far. It also means that I've decided we're not going to have breaded veal cutlets for dinner tomorrow night. As the old saying goes, when you can't make both ends meet, make one end potatoes. What are you thinking about? Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I was four million years away. Oh, well, then I'm glad I didn't order the veal. You might not have made it back to dinner at all. Whereabouts were you? I was on Nebula, NGC, 4157. Oh, I always called it Cloud Nine. What's doing on NG 4000? Well, a terrific explosion took place there four million years ago, but no one found out about it until February the 16th, 1937. Well, where was everybody? Huh? Where was Winchell? Oh, and that happened because there probably wasn't anybody. You see, since that explosion four million years ago, light rays have been travelling through the vast empty spaces of the universe until they finally entered Dr. Zwicky's telescope. This is that wonderful. Travelling through space for four million years and then hitting a telescope right on the nose. You see, Zwicky set up a system of photographing extragalactic nebulae. Extragalactic, huh? I love to have these little bits of startling information at my fingertips, but I don't think this is one I can use at the women's club. Now, come on, confess. You made it all up, didn't you? Including Dr. Flicky. It's Zwicky, Vicky, not Flicky. No. No, Dr. F. Zwicky. It's an eminence with scientists and his hypothesis concerning the catastrophic events observed in the supernovae is one of the questions in Professor Maxwell's examination paper, which I have been studying with great interest. And Leslie Gifford calls that an easy one. Oh, he ought to be ashamed of himself. What does he think he is, a Zwicky? Oh, it was easy enough for him. You see, I found out he's one of Professor Maxwell's brightest students. But I also found out that we... Yes? Excuse me. Mrs. Hall, I thought you'd like to know it isn't dripping anymore. But thank you for telling me, Louisa. I didn't know it was, but whatever it is, I'm feeling relieved it isn't. And Dr. Hall, I don't want to butt in, but he can't say I didn't tell him that Uranus was in his seventh house. Oh, I'm sure he can't. And in conjunction with Venus, fine thing. Of course, once Jupiter gets into his fifth house, things might look a little brighter for him. But that's not until late spring. Well, if I... If I knew how to get from the seventh house to the fifth house without breaking a lease... Oh, well, that'd be easy. Just pass by the fifth house. But Mrs. Hall, the way it pig is out, Mercury doesn't even show up in his sixth house until June. Oh, of course. It's stupid of me, yes. But what... Oh, now I see. Capricorn. So that's what you were busy with this morning, Louisa. Charting Professor... Professor Maxwell's future, eh? Like I told him yesterday, he's in an adverse cycle. Dr. Hall, he's... He's a nice man, but I don't know why you got him teaching about the stars. Why, he didn't even know he was born on the cusp. Well, Professor Maxwell is an astronomer, Louisa. Not an astrologer. What's the difference? It's all in the stars. Louisa astrology was an early attempt to study the relation of the stars and their influence over terrestrial life. Later, under the guidance of exact science, astrology became astronomy, which has attempted to solve the deepest problems of the cosmos. That's what I said, Dr. Hall. They're both the same thing. Except I... Eh, perhaps I might put it another way now. Let me see now. If you remember your Copernicus, Louisa, you must admit... Yes, yes, yes. That'll be Professor Maxwell. Show him in Louisa, will you? Yes, Dr. Hall. And Mrs. Hall, all it needed was a new washer. Imagine, whole sentences, Louisa. Maybe we better take up astrology so we can communicate. It would be worth taking up if I thought we could guide the stars into a more favourable cycle. Oh, come in, Professor Maxwell. Good morning, Dr. Hall. Mrs. Hall. Good morning, Capricorn. Oh, yes, yes. I didn't quite know what your housekeeper was giving at yesterday when she asked me for my birth date. I thought maybe she was going to send me a necktie. No, she just presented me with this. It seems to be a horoscope. Louisa has taken quite a personal interest in you, Professor. I hope you don't mind. Oh, no, no, no. Not at all, not at all. As a matter of fact, I have the highest respect for the early Babylonians and their magic. But when it comes to horoscopes, they have more faith in fluoroscopes. Aha! Now... Oh, yes. Yes, horoscope, fluoroscope. Very good, Professor. Very good, indeed. I don't know why I'm jesting in the light of what's been happening this morning. I'm quite perturbed. I suppose you know about what? Well, yes, Professor, but I wouldn't take it too seriously if I were you. Oh, I didn't. I didn't, but suddenly it's all over the campus. I realise that young Gifford was just being impetuous and I don't want him to be embarrassed by this any longer. I don't want this attitude to take, Professor. Do you mind if I speak to the boy? Of course not, Dr. Hall, but I wouldn't want you to penalise him. He's one of my brightest students and after all, I suppose I don't pay too much attention to examinations. You see, it isn't what my students put in their blue books that counts with me. It's what they see in the blue heavens. Oh, that's good. Blue books, blue heavens. Do you follow me, Doc? Oh, indeed, I do. However, we do have to conform to certain procedures in our educational system and one of these is examinations. So, with your permission, I'd like to insist that the Gifford boy take the one he brushed aside, so cavalierly. For all his brilliance as a student, he is flunking in manners. Dr. Hall, I'll take the exam. I didn't think it was going to raise all this fuss. And I'll apologise to old easy Maxie. I mean, Professor Maxwell. Oh, thank you, Leslie. Leslie, I was sure you would. Well, I wish somebody would explain to me what I'm here for. Everybody apologising to everybody else and everybody missing the point. What are you going to do about Maxwell? Well, so that we will all understand the problem a little more clearly, I thought I'd ask you and Leslie each a question. What kind of a question? An examination question. What for? I'm out of school. I admit I don't know everything, but I'm getting by quite nicely. Well, so is Dr. Hall, Mr. Wellman, but he's been asking himself questions all morning. And if I may quote him, an intelligent man is never out of school. Well, school is his business. Business is my school. That's very cultured. Well, after all, it's Max while it should be. All right, what is the question, Dr. Hall? Mr. Wellman, what do you know about Kepler? Kepler. Kepler. Oh, you mean Ira Kepler, wholesale mattresses. Detroit. Planet rating, Donald Bradstree. Well, how did he get into this? I know the students sleep through Maxwell's classes, but since when did we supply mattresses? In our astronomy class, the sky's the limit. Now, Leslie, I'd like to ask you the same question about Kepler. Sure, Dr. Hall, that's a cinch. Everybody knows that. Kepler gave us the laws of planetary motion and he was the man who... Of course, that Kepler. Well, that's different. Astronomy, not my subject. After all, a long time ago, too busy a man forgets. Slips. His mind, that is. Now, Leslie, I have another question for you. Can you, very briefly, cite Wesley Mitchell's contribution to economic statistics? Wesley Mitchell? Well, wasn't he the one who... I know he was an American. Seems to me that he was a... Economics is one of your subjects, isn't it, Leslie? Oh, yes, Mrs. Hall, but it's a required subject. Mitchell, Mitchell, I don't think I... Oh, goodness sakes, Gifford. You're taking economics and you never heard of Mitchell? You sleep through all your classes? This is shocking. Mitchell studies on business cycles, history of financials. And you never heard of him? How do you expect to earn a living young man? Marry the banker's daughter? You see, gentlemen, as the French might say, one man's fish is another man's poisson. Kepler? Kepler was a familiar subject to Leslie, who doesn't know a Mitchell from a meteor. While Mr. Wellman, the businessman, knows Mitchell like his Babson reports. And for him, Kepler might as well be throwing custard pies at Martin and Lewis on television. The point is that brilliance in one field is no cause for intellectual arrogance. And in publicly scorning an examination which was easy for you, Leslie, you accomplished nothing, but an exposure of your own vanity and bad manners. Yes, I know, sir. I'm sorry. I guess it was a fool. Oh, no, you're not a fool, Leslie. I guess I have to remember that pride goes before a fall and sometimes quite early in the spring. This is all very well, but I'm still not satisfied about Maxwell. His course is too easy to pass. No, there always have been, and I expect there always will be, certain courses known as pipe sauce naps. The student can coast through these, but coasting will get him nowhere except the bottom of the hill. He benefits only as far as he contributes. Astronomy is an exact science, but Professor Maxwell is not exacting because he realizes that the real discipline of a student comes from dedication and not requisition. That's certain attention, Mr. Wellman, packing, and I hope he packs for a long journey. You should feel well rewarded for your cunning ways, my darling Aquarius. Aquarius? Yes, astrology. I just need to look into Louise's book. Listen, Todd, under the sign of Aquarius, the water bearer. Every college president should be. It makes it easier to carry water on both shoulders and to dispose of any annoying little drips. Uh, naming. No name, of course. No. And you, my darling, you are Libra, aren't you? Libra, the sign of the scales. This accounts for the fact that I weigh myself carefully every morning and that I've weighed you in the balance. And found me... Wanting. Me. Or am I just being vague? Libra, my love, your scales will never be questioned by either the Department of Weights and Measures or William Aquarius Hall. Come here. Powering Mrs. Ronald Wellman has been presented by Schlitz, a beer that made Milwaukee famous. The taste of Schlitz. The taste so many people prefer has made Schlitz beer first in sales in the U.S.A. Why don't you too enjoy the most popular beer in history? Next time, every time. Ask for Schlitz beer. And now, here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everyone. Good night. Come on, sponsor the Joseph Schlitz growing company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and its thousands of friendly dealers throughout the nation. Good night. Ladies and gentlemen, it's just that the Halls of Ivy has been awarded top honors for 1951 by the National Association for Better Radio and Television. We'll be seeing you next week at this same time at the Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Mr. Wellman is played by Herbert Butterfield. Louisa is Elizabeth Patterson. Professor Maxwell is Bruce Payne and Gifford was Herb Ellis. Tonight's script is written by Barbara Milton Merlin and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The script was created by Don Quinn directed by Milton Merlin and presented by Joseph Schlitz growing company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. We're invited to enjoy on television the Schlitz Playhouse of Stars with Helen Hayes, Margaret Sullivan, Ronald Reagan, and more of the brightest names of Hollywood and Broadway. See your newspaper for time and channel. Ken Carpenter speaking.