 Mother, is Maxwell House the best coffee in the whole world? Well, your father says so, and your father knows best. Yes, it's Father Knows Best, transcribed in Hollywood, starring Robert Young as father. A half-hour visit with your neighbors, the Andersons. Brought to you by America's favorite coffee, Maxwell House. The coffee that's always good to the last drop. This, unfortunately, is the time of year when most young people become arsonists at heart. As they sleep, the gentlest smiles creep softly across their gay young faces. Smiles caused by a joyous vision. A glorious dream of the schoolhouse burning down. Yes, this is the time of year when the young ones return to their scholastic grind. And in Springfield, in the White Frame house on Maple Street, the morning is a hectic one indeed, like this. Jim! Who's in there? Jim, your coffee's ready. Do you want it now? I want to get into the bathroom. I have to shave. Betty? I... Well, who's in the bathroom? I... Blood! Did you want something, Dad? What are you doing in there? I'm taking a shower. Well, why did you lock the door? I don't have any clothes on. Okay, Dad, I'll be right out. He doesn't have any clothes on. Of course, everybody else takes a shower in a raccoon coat. I don't know what's gotten into that boy. He acts more like his mother's side of the family every day. Oh, the same old thing. Honey, isn't there anything we can do about a schedule for the bathroom that gets worse every morning? I'm the special morning. It's the first day of school, and the children are all anxious to look their best. But I have to be in Plainfield at nine o'clock. It's a very important deal. I told everybody last night... Of course, dear, I know just how you feel. And you'll feel a lot better after you've had your coffee. I'll have it ready in just a minute. You said it was ready. It was ready, but when you didn't come down... Look, I'd better go back upstairs and stand in line. Jim, it will only take me a second to pour you another cup of coffee. Well, okay. And anybody who thinks he can live in a house with one bathroom and three kids ought to have his head examined. What is it, bud? I'm out. Well, it's about time. Don't let anybody else in till I get up there. Okay. Jim, where are you going? I'm going to shave. But I've poured your coffee. Sorry, honey. You'll just have to pour it back. The bathroom's clear. I may not have a chance like this for another hundred years. Hold the fork, bud. I'm on my way. Thank you, bud. Okay, Dan. But I have to take a shower, and I have to go to school. And how can I take a shower if nobody let me get into the bathroom? Kathy, daddy has to go to Plainfield. That's 28 miles away. And he has to be there at nine o'clock. Why? Because I want to sell Mr. Butler some insurance so we can get some money so we can eat. Is that clear? I don't know. I just want to take a shower. Kathy, I have to shave, and I can't shave while you're taking a shower. Why? Because you get the mirror all steamed up. Because I want to get to Plainfield wearing both ears. And don't say why. Why? Why don't you go do your homework for something? Oh, I don't have any homework. School hasn't even started yet. Well, make some up. Bud, what happened to my shaving cream? You want me dead? No, I want my shaving cream. Where is it? Maybe there isn't any. I could have figured that out for myself, except that I just bought a whole tube of it. Margaret? What shaving cream, dear? The shaving cream I bought last night. I most certainly did. Didn't I? Well, I should have. Bud? Yes, Dad? Are you dressed? I'm tying my shoes. Well, run down to the drugstore and get me some shaving cream like a good fellow, will you? You bet. As soon as I finish my breakfast. Get it for me now. You can have your breakfast later. Holy cow, Dad. I haven't eaten since last night. Well, another five minutes won't make any difference. Use the car and hurry back, please. Okay. What in the... Who's in there? Kathy, come out of that bathroom this instant. Well, who is? I don't know. Betty, what are you doing in there? Well, open the door. That's got nothing to do with it. I was in the bathroom first. You had no right to sneak in when my back was turned. Will you put coffee while Betty is taking her shower? Why do they have to open the schools today? 365 days in the year and they have to pick a day when I have an appointment in Plainfield. There's no system in this town, that's what. They just run things to soothe themselves. Dad, the car isn't in the garage. It what? It isn't in the garage. Oh, that's fine. That's just great. I'm not having enough trouble. Now somebody stole in the car. Jim, put the car in the garage last night. I didn't use the car last night. I came home with Ed Davis, remember? Betty had the car all afternoon. Betty! Where did you leave the car? Just a minute. I'll be right out. But go downstairs and call the police. No, but wait. There must be a logical explanation to this whole thing. Of course there's a logical explanation. Somebody stole the car. Is anything wrong, father? Oh, no. Everything's just fine. Somebody stole the car. That's all. They did? Who? How do I know who? Where did you leave it? In front of your office. That's what you told me to do, isn't it? I told you to leave it in front of the office? That's right. You said if I got through early to leave it in front of your office and come home on the bus, then you wouldn't have to use the bus during the rush hour. But I came home with Ed Davis. Well, I came home on the bus. You know, Betty, you're going to be a great comfort to me in my old age. If I live that long. Father, I just did what you told me to. Why didn't you tell me you left the car downtown? You didn't ask me. You gods. 17 years old and she can't tell you anything unless you ask her. I'll be right back. Bud, where are you going? It's okay, Dad. I'll use my bicycle. No, Bud, come back here, Bud! He's gone, dear. I don't know. The only time that boy ever hurries is when you want him to stand still. Well, dear, you told him to go to the drugstore. I wanted him to go down for the car. How can I possibly get to Plainfield without a car? You can use the bus. Nobody asked you. But you just said I was 17 years old. Don't mind what I just said. What's that? What's what, dear? That's a car. Is it in our driveway? No, that's the Davis's. I guess Ed's going to worry. Ed, that's it. Betty, hurry up and get dressed. Well, what for? Never mind what for. Just get dressed. Jumping? Ed! Say Ed! Hi, Jim. What's up? Ed, I want you to do me a favor, a big favor. Will you wait until Betty gets dressed and take her down to my office? Sure, I guess so. She'll only be a minute. Okay, the color to make it snappy. Thanks, Ed. You're a pal. Well, that'll take care of that. Betty? What did Ed say, dear? He's waiting for Betty and he'll take her downtown and she can bring the car back. There, you see? There was no need to get upset about the whole thing in the first place. Well, that's a matter of opinion. Betty, what are you doing? I'm getting dressed. Okay, look, Ed Davis is waiting to take you downtown. Oh, he's the leg that's going to pick me up. He's going to take you downtown so you can get our car and bring it back here. But I can't, Father. I'll miss my ride to school. I'll take you to school. But Janie Liggett. I don't care about Janie Liggett. This is more important. Well, if it's so important, why don't you go downtown with Mr. Davis? I'll tell you why. In the first place, I haven't shaved. In the second place, I haven't had my shower. And in the third place, I told you to go down in the first place. Now, hurry up and get dressed. Oh, poo. And don't take all day about it. Double. What was that? A person gets you into a mess like this. The least they can do is get you out. If you'd used her head, the car wouldn't have been left downtown in the first place. First time in her whole life, she ever got through with it early. Jim, why don't you come downstairs with me and have your breakfast? You can save a little time now. No, I've got to shave. You can't shave until Bud gets back with a shaving cream. Well, I can take a shower and brush my teeth and... Oh, no. What is it, dear? Who's in there? Who's in the bathroom? That's a real cup of coffee. Nice words to hear at your table, aren't they? And tomorrow you can hear them from the world's greatest coffee expert. Yes, ma'am, because that number one expert is your husband. Of course, we think we stand pretty high as experts. Our Maxwell House coffee is America's favorite brand. But we know the final judge is that husband of yours. And tomorrow, if you'll pour him a cup of Maxwell House, you'll hear him say, now, that's real coffee. We're so sure of that we'll give you your money back if he doesn't. You see, we're mighty proud of that famous good to the last drop flavor. And we know no other coffee tastes like Maxwell House because no other coffee is made like Maxwell House. Get a pound tomorrow. Serve it to your husband. If he doesn't say it's the best coffee he ever tasted, why just send us the can and unused portion and we'll gladly refund the price you pay. Our address is right on the front of that familiar blue tin. Tomorrow start serving the world's greatest coffee expert, Maxwell House coffee. Always good to the last drop. Cleanliness is next to godliness. That's what they say. But there are times when it can be overdone. It's a cup of coffee later in the white frame house on Maple Street where the Anderson's bathroom is still giving a pretty fair imitation of the Grand Central Station. Father unshowered and unshown is low man on the totem pole and last man into the bathroom as usual, like this. They ought to pass an ordinance. That's what. What was that, dear? I said there ought to be a law. No house can be built without ten bathrooms. Jim. Well, look at the time. A quarter past eight and I haven't even started to shave. It won't take long once Bud gets back. I'll buy another cup of coffee. Well, okay. There you are. Thank you. Even if Betty gets back with a car by eight thirty, I won't be able to make it. Of course you will. Oh, it's twenty-eight miles to Plainfield in my appointments for nine o'clock. Jim, I'm sure if you explain to Mr. Butler, he'll understand. Oh, sure. I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Butler, but one of my children left the car downtown and the others wouldn't let me get into the bathroom. He'll love that. Hey, Dad. Well, it's a bad time. We're in here, Bud. Boy, did I ever have a time. You know what happened? Never mind what happened. Where's the shaving cream? Right here. Gosh, it was awful. You know what happened? All I want is the shaving cream. What took you so long? Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you. You know what happened? Mr. Crandall wasn't open yet and I had to find a drug store that stayed open all night. And then when I found it, I didn't have enough money for the large economy size and then he couldn't find the small un-economy size and he tried to sell me that smelly kind that you don't like. But I said, oh, no, and he said... Bud. Hmm? Give it to me. What? The shaving cream. Let me have it. Oh. Uh, it was 35 cents, Dad. I know how much it was. Hand it over. Well, my allowance is only a dollar and a quarter and I spent 60 cents last night and there's a whole week to go. Bud, will you let go of the shaving cream? I know you don't mean to forget things like that, Dad, but last year when I laid out 15 cents for the pipe cleaners... I paid you for the pipe cleaners. No, you didn't, Dad. As a matter of fact, I think I paid you twice. Well, anyway, it was only 15 cents, but this is 35 cents. Bud, let go. That's practically half a dollar. I said, let go. And I only get a dollar and a quarter. Bud, you're squashing it. So why don't you just give me the 35 cents? Because I don't carry money in my pajamas. That's why. Now, let go. But I'll give you the 35 cents. You will? Yes. Oh, well, here you are, Dad. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, that's okay, Dad. I was glad to help. Yes, I can see that. All right, Bud, sit down. Now I'll get your breakfast. Oh, gosh. You can understand how I feel. Can't you, Mom? Yes, dear. It isn't as if I didn't trust him, but look what happened when I bought the pipe cleaner. Pipe cleaners. My own son. You think I was trying to cheat him out of 35 cents? Where did he get the 35 cents in the first place? And look at it. If that isn't the messiest looking tube of shaving cream, got it all squeezed out of shape. Spend your whole life trying to make things easy for your family. Oh, God. Kathy! Kathy! Aren't you out of there yet? What? You've been in there long enough to grow new ones. Now come on out. You can brush them later. Open the door. Daddy, I have to brush my teeth. If I don't, I'll have to do it afterwards, and then I'll be late for school. I'll take you to school. Just let me get in there. I wasn't late for school even once last year. And this year, if I'm like the very first day... You won't be late, Kathy. I promise you. Now please, let me get through. Gee whiz. Just because I'm the littlest one in the family, everybody thinks I don't have any feelings. And I do. I've got as many feelings as anybody. Fine. I'll tell him when he comes in. You'll tell who? What? Who won't you tell when he comes in? When who comes in? I don't know. Well, stop talking about people you don't know. Kathy, I'd please shave. Then he comes in, and I said... God's now what? What is it, Margaret? Betty's on the phone. Well, tell her to hurry up. I'll be right down, Margaret. Kathy, don't ever get married. And if you do get married, don't have any children. And if you do have any children, don't try to shave. Grow a beard. No, stay out of the bathroom. Betty, why aren't you back here? Is that you, Father? Of course not. This is Admiral Burden. I'm speaking from the South Pole. Who are you? I'm downtown. That's nice. Are you having a good time? Father, the car's been stolen. Well, stop fooling around down there. It what? He said he saw somebody fiddling around with it this morning. But I guess he's... Betty. Yes, Father? Go over to the police headquarters. Give them a full description of the car. Make, model, color, license number. Have you got that? I guess so. Tell them I'll be in later in the morning to make a full insurance report. Is that clear? Damn. Yes. What am I supposed to do about my breakfast? Betty? Yes, Father? And Betty? Everything. Good. Right after breakfast. Betty? Betty? Conspiracy, that's what it is. The whole thing is a plot to keep me from getting to Plainfield. Anything wrong? No, everything's wonderful. This time somebody really stole the car. That's all. Oh, Jim. I'm up to my neck in appointments the busiest time of the whole year. Oh, shit. A thing like this has to happen to me. Sure, naturally they'd have to be busy. They'll probably be busy all day. Who, dear? George Phillips. If I can borrow his car, I can still get to Plainfield in time. But! Jim, I wouldn't count on that. George may need the car himself. Why don't you just call Mr. Butler? Because it took me two months to set up this appointment and I don't intend to lose it. And if George Phillips can't do a little thing like lend me his car, well, it's just too bad. That's all. All right, dear. I suppose you know best. But! You want me dead? Now, whatever gave you that idea? You said but. Who figured the rest of it out all by yourself? Isn't that wonderful? Now what did I do? Go across the street and ask Mr. Phillips if I can use his car. What for? I've taken a contract to fill in the Grand Canyon and I want to use the Phillips car for a dump truck. Why? Don't stop asking so many silly questions and do as you're told. But all I said was... But. Do as your father tells you. Holy cow. Ask a perfectly simple question and everybody jumps down your neck. Get a bunch of double talk about filling in the Grand Canyon. Jim, I don't think you were very nice to Bob. Well, I haven't got time to be nice. I've got to get a car. I've got to get to Plainfield, Margaret. Yes, dear. I'm going upstairs to Shave. Will you call Hector Smith and ask if I can borrow his car? I'll have it back at 12 o'clock at the latest. All right. And explain that it's an emergency. It's practically a matter of life and death. Yes, dear. I'll tell him. Oh, I've never seen a morning like this in my whole life. Everything has to go wrong. I don't even know why I bothered to get out of bed. Hello, Elizabeth. Oh, no. Kathy, are you in there again? I'll be right out, Daddy. I told you not to go back in, didn't I? You just took a shower. Everybody in the world's been taking a shower. I forgot to scrub my knees and I couldn't go to school the very first day if I didn't scrub my knees, could I? All right, Kathy, just let me in there. Don't they look better now, Daddy? They're gorgeous. Now, may I please get into the bathroom? Jim. What is it, dear? Elizabeth. That's great. Good old Hector. Good old reliable Hector. Dad. What did they say, bud? And he took the car with him. Oh, fine. And Mrs. Phillips says she doesn't think Mr. Phillips would let you take it to the Grand Canyon anyway on account of one of the windshield wipers That makes as much sense as anything else that's happened today. He's going to take me to school. Kathy, this is no time to annoy your father. But he said... It's all right, Margaret. I don't care. The way things have been going this morning, my mind is absolutely numb anyway. Dad. Two months, two whole months, getting Butler lined up for the kill and then a thing like this has to happen. Dad. Find a bunch of friends we have. The windshield wiper doesn't work. Hector ran into the back of a truck. No, but if he wanted to borrow a car, you can bet your bottom dollar there'd be nothing to matter with ours. Dad. But don't you ever keep still... I want to ask you something. Well, go ahead. Don't just stand there. Why don't you use our car? Just a minute, Margaret. I'll be glad to tell him. It seems, bud, that you have a sister who hasn't sensed enough to come in out of the rain. I didn't do any. She left the car downtown with the keys under the mat. And as a result, we don't have a car. Sure we do. But the car has been stolen. No, it hasn't, Dad. It's out in front of the house. I went downtown and got it. So the car has been sitting right out in front of the house. It seems like when you want something, it pays to look for it where it ought to be. Certainly that's true in buying coffee. You want the most for your money, the most in flavor and enjoyment. And as the world's greatest coffee expert will tell you, you'll find it right in the coffee famous for flavor above all others, our Maxwell House coffee. Sure, just pour a cup of Maxwell House for that husband of yours. He's the number one expert. And when he says, that's my kind of coffee, you'll know Maxwell House is your kind of coffee, too. Your best coffee by. Find out tomorrow. Start serving your husband Maxwell House and count how many truly good cups of coffee you get from just one of those familiar blue tins. We think you'll find it gives you the most for your money. So tomorrow, see how much the world's greatest coffee expert enjoys Maxwell House coffee. Always good to the last drop. A mere 15 minutes have gone by, but things in Springfield are pretty much under control, so far as Jim Anderson is concerned at any rate. With his hands firmly on the steering wheel of his car, only two things remain between father and his business appointment. Kathy's delivery to school and a 28-mile drive to Plainfield. He'll be a little late, but he isn't too worried. As a matter of fact, he isn't worried at all, like this. Daddy. Yes, Kathy. Why does everybody have to go to school? Is it that important? Of course it's important. It's practically the most important thing in your whole life. Why? Because, Kathy, if you don't go to school, you don't learn anything. And if you don't learn anything, you aren't prepared for the problems you meet later in life. What kind of problems? All kinds of problems, like, well, like how to answer the questions your children keep throwing at you. Things like that. It's very important. Daddy. Now what? Why is everybody so worried about the schools in Springfield? Well, they aren't worried, Kathy. Not if they're sound, public-spirited citizens. They realize that worrying doesn't do any good. It's action that counts. They know that better schools make better communities, and good citizens everywhere are helping to make our school system the finest in the world. That's pretty hard to do. Why? Well, it's on account of the last war, honey. During the war we couldn't build enough schools or train enough teachers. So now we have overcrowded classrooms and a shortage of qualified instructors for the lower grades. What's that? Teachers. Oh. Yes, sir. If more young men and women were trained to teach in the elementary schools, they'd find a wonderful career ahead of them. And they'd be helping to build a better country for all of us at the same time. They would? They certainly would. Well, then I changed my mind. When I grow up, I'm going to be a teacher, and somebody else can be a lady wrestler. That's a very good idea. God's now what did I do? He wants you to pull over to the curb. I don't know what he wants. I wasn't going too fast, was I? I don't know. I was going 25 miles an hour. Remember that. All right, Daddy. The light was green, wasn't it? Yes, Daddy. It certainly was. Hello, officer. Anything I can do for you? There may be one or two little things. May I see your driver's license, please? Of course. Carried right here in my wallet. Right here in the... Officer, I was in such a hurry this morning that I left my wallet on the dresser. But I can assure you that I've been driving... Could I see your registration certificate? Or would that happen to be at home on the piano? Officer, I have to be in plain field as close to nine o'clock as I can make it. And ever since I got up this morning... Just follow me, if you don't mind. But, officer, if I don't get to plain... Follow you? Where? We'll take a little trip down to the station house. And let's not try any tricks. Look, this is my daughter, and she'll tell you... We were going 25 miles an hour, and the light was green. That may be so, little lady. It may be so. But I just got a call from headquarters. And you're riding in a stolen car. Oh, no! Life is swell when you keep well. And post 40% brand flakes is the wonderful breakfast cereal... That gives you three extra keep fit benefits. One, brand to help prevent irregularity due to lack of bulk in the diet. Two, whole wheat values of these essential B vitamins. Three, a good source of these important minerals, phosphorus and iron. All that and delicious flavor, too. Try post 40% brand flakes, America's favorite brand flakes. Remember, life is swell when you keep well. Try post 40% brand flakes, America's favorite brand flakes. Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson, with Roy Bargy and the Maxwell House Orchestra, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee. Always good to the last drop. Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Now stay tuned in for Dragnet, which follows immediately over most of these stations. Listen now for Dragnet. Three times mean good times on NBC.