 The fact is, most of us in midlife are dating from a venue of most everybody has had a previous relationship or a significant relationship and a question came into the group is how long does it take for a man to heal after he's had a relationship that ended. So let's lean into this conversation a little bit, differentiating between those who have had a short lived relationship, those who have had a significant relationship and those who have had a marriage. Because some of you women might have found yourself in a situation where you are what's known as the transition girlfriend. Recently I did a video about the rebound girlfriend. And a question in the group was like how long does it take for a guy to heal and I think this is a great question to ask yourself and ask of a man. Now, when I say ask of a man, most men aren't even familiar with the word healing. So let's just understand that from the get go. I'm not to suggest men aren't capable of healing but they don't as seek out the same personal development in the area of relationship healing as they might in their area of building wealth or focusing on their professional life. Men tend to be more focused on their professional life their career because we have been conditioned you know biologically speaking to be the provider protectors. So most men's libido besides their sexual libido is centered around that. And what happens when a relationship ended ends and let's start with a divorce. There's an unraveling of the tapestry of your old life. And in many cases if there isn't some deep healing from that because in most cases, particularly in divorce there is some level of emotional trauma that occurs. And it can be difficult to begin a new relationship with someone in the sense of what's the definition of insanity doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. And what I mean to say is what was the cause of the ending of your last relationship. Look inward and say how was I responsible for the ending of my last relationship. And how can I overcome this or or move past it in any new relationship. And since women tend to do more work in the area of relationship healing. I think it's important to really dive into what was the cause particularly with divorce what was the cause of the ending of the relationship. Now most men and women throw their previous partner under the bus. Women claim most of the time men are narcissistic they were emotionally unavailable they were emotionally constipated they weren't attentive husbands. That's primary reason why men or women claim there was a reason for their divorce. Sometimes there's financial issues involved as well that's a significant cause for divorce or lack of physical intimacy and certainly there's infidelity as well. My coffee mug says don't make me go all psycho roommate on you. Okay. How do men throw women under the bus. They think say things like she was unappreciative. She was having infidelity. She didn't appreciate me anymore. She was wacko. She was a nut job. She was psycho. All those types of things. One of the things to determine if someone is healed from their past relationships is do they take ownership in their own part of the ending of the relationship. I know in the early stages of my divorce when my ex-wife and I or my now ex-wife split up I blamed her for a lot of the things. It took me years before I looked inward and say how was I a contributor to the ending of the relationship and I can honestly say I wasn't a very attentive husband. I was very myopic. I was focused on being the provider protector. I didn't even know how to be a good husband and quite frankly I didn't even know how to be a good father. Not to the extent that my father was a role model for that but I was so hyper focused in my career that I didn't pay attention to the balance of the relationship. Do you see how I took ownership of that? The minute we blame 100% the other party then there probably hasn't been some level of healing to take ownership in one's own responsibility for the demise of the relationship and it could be from the very beginning. Okay, so how do you know someone's healed from marriage is they take some culpability in the relationship both the men and women. Okay. And then there's the short lived relationship. Those are ones that are, you know, where someone has been divorced for example, and then maybe they are not a short lived relationship a significant relationship after their divorce. Well the same thing applies. What was the cause of the ending of the relationship and did they take some ownership in this. Now with divorce it probably takes a much longer time to heal. There's places like the naked recovery, the naked divorce. By the way, if you Google naked divorce and naked discovery, the owner is Adele Theron. I highly recommend reaching out to her. She mentioned my name. She gives a $50 discount on her products and programs. Why I'm mentioning this is this is a great resource to help one heal from a significant relationship ending. So whether it's a divorce or a significant relationship after your divorce, going through some level of healing process would be beneficial to approaching any new relationship. Okay. So I came back to the men who have been divorced and now they've had a significant relationship ended. And how do you know how long does it take for a man to heal from a divorce? I'd say a minimum of two years, minimum of two years. And what happens is like myself, I immediately put myself out in the dating marketplace because I wanted companionship. I wanted connection. I wanted sex, but it wasn't capable of commitment. I call these men the spenders. They want to spend time with you, but they're not capable of growing or building with you. And I'd say it takes a minimum of two years. And in many cases, it could take two to 10 years before they've healed. If they've done some introspective work, some personal development, self-help and spiritual work to heal. This is why I wrote my book. What the heck could self love anyway? Okay. For a short, for a significant relationship after a divorce, I would say at a minimum six months after a significant relationship ended. And it could be a year or two, even for those as well. It depends on how, how often they saw each other, how entrenched were they in each other's lives. And more importantly, do they take, was it they, do they, they blame the other person for the ending of the relationship? Okay. These are just some things to pay attention to. Okay. Let's just say someone had been, you know, since most of my demographic is midlife. Since most everyone in midlife has been divorced, been married and divorced roughly 75%. Most of them had some sort of significant relationship that was at least six months to two years or longer. Okay. Not that six months is a significant relationship, but I believe you can build a lot of intimacy, a lot of connection with someone in six months. And there's a rule of thumb. Sometimes people say it takes about half the amount of time. Like if they were in relationship for two years, they should take a year off before dating. That's some, you know, whether that rule of thumb is accurate. It's just something to pay attention to. I've always said for those of us in midlife that have had a significant relationship or at least a short lived relationship. Those are the ones somewhere between three months in a year that it's going to take at least three to six months. Before they've detoxed from the other person, there is a level of detoxing that I would recommend for someone before they put themselves out there. Have you done that yourself? Have you detoxed from a previous relationship? And then keep in mind within detoxing is are you frequently communicating with that person? That's another thing to consider because if that person, okay, so this was brought up because one of our members was dating someone and wanted to know how long it takes to heal from a breakup. The question is how actively are involved with their other person is a question to ask. For example, if someone has gone through a significant divorce, they most likely probably communicate with one another because they have children together. That's a valid reason to connect with one another. But someone who's had a one, you know, six month, one year relationship. How often do they communicate with one another? If they're still heavily communicating with one another, it's going to take much longer to detox from one another. I would say a minimum of three to six months of detoxing, maybe no communication during that time, but certainly limited communication. These are some of the things to consider when you're interested in someone who has had a significant breakup. This is why, folks, I'm a big proponent, asking more critical questions early on. I know some people don't believe in this, but what's the harm? If someone is in a good place in their life, they certainly can handle more of those serious questions. Only the man who wants short lived relationships, men are in it just for fun. Those people don't want to open up much emotionally, but those who are the grower and builders, the grower and builders have no problem talking about their past relationships because they most likely have done some healing after their relationship ended that puts them in a position they're prepared to lean into a new relationship. And so just keep in mind, asking deeper questions early on is absolutely imperative. I know most of the rhetoric will tell you the opposite. I'm here to say cut to the chase. Find out as much as you can sooner rather than later before you get attached to a person who hasn't healed from a significant relationship ending. Or more importantly, as I said, they throw their previous partner under the bus instead of taking some culpability. And ladies, this message is for you as well. I know a significant percentage of you women out there have not healed from your past relationships. This is why I recommend places like Naked Discovery, Naked Divorce with Adeltera. All right. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below. If you find value in the group, please tell your friends about Midlife Love Mastery. Send them to my website, JonathanAsley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm going to sign up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big check in at JonathanBear of Self Love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow. Give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye.