 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Fay show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos and Whitfield. The orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First a word from RCA Victor. Ladies and gentlemen, by RCA Victor, new orthophonic high fidelity recording, we take you to Carnegie Hall. On stage, Vladimir Horowitz. That was the Hungarian Rhapsody number two, exactly as Vladimir Horowitz played it in the famous concert commemorating the 25th anniversary of his American debut. RCA Victor made an actual on-the-spot recording of the entire concert. From music to applause to encores, it's all captured for your musical pleasure in RCA Victor's new orthophonic high fidelity album, the Vladimir Horowitz 25th anniversary of his American concert debut. Listen to this magnificent album at your dealers. Hear it on an RCA Victor high fidelity phonograph. RCA Victor high fidelity vichrolophonographs let you enjoy the exciting realism you've always wanted from recorded music. They give you the delicate overtones. You hear each thrilling note as though the performance was in your own living room. See your dealer tomorrow for the Vladimir Horowitz anniversary album, the exciting new high fidelity vichrolophonographs by RCA Victor, first in recorded music. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Ladies and gentlemen, a short time ago, Phil Harris made some new recordings for RCA Victor, and today he was informed that the check for the recording date was ready. So we find Phil with Elliot walking down Hollywood Boulevard on his way to collect the money. Come on, Curly, we'll never get to RCA Victor if you don't quit window shopping. You've been looking in this window for ten minutes. Well, what's wrong with looking in a window? I can't help it. I just can't go buy a pet store without stopping. Hey, Elliot, look at those little puppies in there. Hey, look at that little spotted one. Ah, he's wagging his tail. Well, you stay here, Curly. I'm going up in front of Suzanne's negligee shop and wag my tail. Come back! Oh, look at this little rascal right there with the floppy ears. Hey, look at it, Elliot. You know something I had a dog just like that when I was a kid? Yeah, he was a pointer. You mean he was one of them hunting dogs? Well, I never did learn to hunt very well. I took him out bear hunting once, but, well, he just didn't seem to quite understand what a pointer should do. What do you mean? Well, I sent him into the woods and pretty soon he came out with a big bear and pointed at me. I've never seen a bear with so much confidence. He had a napkin around his neck and he was carrying a bottle of Adolf's meat tenderizer. And they lived happily ever after. Thank you, Uncle Remus. Now, can we please go get our check? Will you stop, Deep? An RCA victor is right across the street. Come on. Hey, look out, Curly! That crazy Marlon Brando! Hey, Curly, I want to last long enough to get that money. Let's not live so dangerously. Will you stop? What are you, a chicken or something? I'll be afraid. Just follow me and we'll get across the street okay. Come on. So, Curly, that's the safest way to cross mine street, all right? Yes, sir. Hey, don't forget to put that manhole cover back on. I did. Come on, let's go in and collect the loot. Hey, I don't get it. We walked all the way down to the recording studio. Now we're riding around town in a taxi. What gives? That's just because you don't know what happened. My check this time had an extra $500 on it. What for? What for? Well, look, I'm a singer, ain't I? I make records for our RCA victory, don't I? I'm their fair-haired boy. What's the $500 for? That's rich. Yeah. What is it for? Elliot, the whole thing is obvious to the thinking mind. This extra $500 is in appreciation. In appreciation for what? Well, how about my record of Ebtide? Yeah, how about it? It was never released. It was in my fault. There was too. To get that ocean effect, everybody else used seagulls. What'd you use? Pelicans. That's why the record didn't sell. Well, maybe you're right. Nothing sounds worse than a pelican with a mouth full of sardines. You know what you want to do with that extra money, Curly? Why? You want to take Alice out for a big evening. I should? Sure. The little girl is faithful and kind to you, year after year, asking nothing in return. Here's a chance for you to be a big man, Curly. Take her out, paint the town. Yeah, paint the town. Yeah, with a tuxedo. Yeah, tuxedo. And buy an orchid. Yeah, an orchid. Buy two orchids. Two orchids? Sure, you want me to look pretty too, don't you? Oh, gee, this'll be fun. I know just the place we can go. It's called Luigi's Wine Seller. It's upstairs over a garage. A wine seller over a garage? Yeah. Luigi had a maid that way. It's real fancy. Have you ever seen a bandstand that comes up out of the orchestra pit? Sure. Well, at Luigi's, he presses a button and they come riding up on the grease rack. They've got a new group playing over there now. Sam Dorsey in his Grammar C5. Sam Dorsey? Sure. Didn't you know they had a sister? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I remember that band. Sure, Sam Dorsey. They used to play at Grace Hayes' Lodge. Man, man, man, what a silly combination. A piano, two clarinets, a trumpet, and a Saint Bernard. Name Rodney. A Saint Bernard? Yeah. When they play, I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter. Rodney licks the stamp. Yeah, I saw Luigi's ad in the paper yesterday. They've got a special attraction now. They've got a bubble dancer with a slow leak. Wonderful. We'll go early and stay late. No, no, look, Ellie, come to think of it. Luigi's ain't a high-class enough joint to go for this occasion. This celebration calls for, well, something extra fancy like seros or macambo. Crazy, man. Hey, if you really want to go first class, the place is La Ruse. I'll call my girl Jacqueline right now and have her make our reservations. Wait a minute. Wait, hold it, Radcliffe. Hold it. What's the trouble? Didn't you kind of edge in the side door? I don't remember asking you to go along. You mean you'd leave me home in my lonely little room? Yes, I would. This comes as a deep shock to me. You've just taken the bright shining torch of our friendship and dashed the flame into the black curtain of night. Well, to Lula, I did not. My friendship has left nothing to be desired. Why, when you were in the hospital that time and needed a transfusion, I gave it and you didn't even know I gave it. Oh, yes, I did. How did you know it was my blood? The doctor couldn't give it to me till he took out a liquor license. All right, I guess you can go with us tonight. Now you're talking, Curly. Oh, hello, Alice. I thought you were upstairs playing a game of Scrabble with Phyllis. I was, but I came down for glass of milk. Gee, you look beautiful, Mom. Thank you, honey. What a beautiful evening gown. I've never seen you so dressed up before. Oh, Alice, I dress up every time your daddy takes me any place. Well, I've never seen you in anything but blue jeans. That's the kind of places he takes me. Your father's a natural born square dancer, but tonight's a special occasion. You know what we're going to do? Hey, Alice. Hey, honey, I'm looking for my cuff link. Hello, Daddy. Oh, hi. Hey, babe, how are you? Fine, Dad. Gee, I wish I had a lot of pretty bottles of perfume like these and what beautiful names. Purple Twilight, Hyacinth, Blue Gardenia, Essence of Rose Petals, Jasmine, and April Dawn. Careful, honey, you might break one of those. Come over to my dressing table and look at mine. Well, I got all those beautiful bottles because I happen to be a test pilot for Elizabeth Arden. Say, Alice, did Julius get here from the grocery store yet? Not yet. Well, I'm going back upstairs. See you later. Okay, baby. Well, what did you ask about, Julius? I thought we were going out to dinner. Oh, we are, but I asked Julius to stop by the place where we rented the tuxedos and pick them up for Elliott and me. Hey, honey, I can't wait until he gets here. You know something? I haven't worn a tuxedo in years. Oh, I can't wait to go out either, Phil. And by the way, honey... Huh? I just want you to know that I think this is the nicest thing a man can do for a woman. Darling, it will bring back old memories of times we used to have. Yeah, yeah, I thought of that. I thought we might have dinner in that little gypsy tearoom, the place we ate the night we were married. Oh, you mean that cozy little place with candlelight and wine? Is it still there? Yeah, yeah. The gypsy tearoom is still there, but the Hollywood freeway goes right through. Oh, then we can't have dinner there. Well, we could, but we might have a little trouble keeping the candles lit. But don't worry, honey. You know something we're going to be on the town tonight? Elliott's making reservations at a very exclusive supper club and the sky's the limit. Did you ever, did you ever, did you ever kiss before? Did you ever, did you ever, did you ever whisper just once more? Did you tremble, did you tingle, did your heart begin to tingle like a pocket that was loaded full of dimes? Did you like it when you did it? If you did it, then admit it. Did you have such wonderful times? Did you ever, did you ever, did you ever get that thrill? Did you ever, did you ever, did you ever feel your heart stand still? I don't care who held you tightly. I don't care who saw you nightly or who shared your kiss. But did you ever, did you ever, did you ever love? Did you ever feel your heart stand still? I don't care who saw you nightly or who shared your kiss. But did you ever, did you ever, did you ever Oh, thanks, honey. Boy, are we going to have a real ball tonight. You know something? We're going to be the sharpest-looking couple of... Anybody home? Never mind the groceries, Julius. Hey, did you bring the tuxedos we rented? Yeah, I got you from. What do you mean? I stole it in business. Second slice? What news for you, buddy? It'd better fit. Now unwrap it. Let me have a look at it. You know, I wear an extra-large size. Did your uncle have extra-large? Here's the jacket on, Phil, and see how it fit. Yeah, yeah, it's a good idea. I'll just step over here in front of the mirror and then I'll... Hey, wait a minute. You sure I got the right one? Yeah, that's yours all right. That's the showboat model. I believe you from the side. It looks like the paddle wheel got stuck. Actually, it doesn't look so bad. Mr. Harris, you ain't got no appreciation for the history of that garment. No kidding? Yeah. What's this rip in the lapel? That's a... Carnation in the hole and nobody'll notice it. I'm not gonna let nothing spoil this evening, Alice, because I... I'm sorry I'm late, but it took me a little while to get in this tuxedo. It's kind of tight. Oh, hello, Elliot. Hello. Hey, Julius, I suppose this came from an Italian wedding, too. It might have come from a wedding, but it wasn't Italian. What makes you so sure? The pockets were full of egg-foo young. Now, look what's in the cups of the past. Soy sauce. Honest? Yeah. The vest smells so much like chow mein. I didn't know whether to wear it or fry it. And here it looks like it's been boiled. What contract? Which front? Yeah, suppose we don't want to get them back by midnight. A song of old Santa Claus Where in dreams I live with a memory Beneath the stars all alone It was there I found beside the Alamo Enchantment strange as the blue up above A moon that passed that only she would know Still hears my broken song of love Moon in all your splendor, no only my heart Call back my lips so sweet and tender Like petals falling apart Speak once again of my love Still live in my heart all alone For that moon that passed by the Alamo My rose of Santa Claus So sweet and tender Like broken song of the words I know Still live in my heart all alone Pass by the Alamo Zach, well, it's going to meet us inside, you know. Yeah, she'll be there all right. Well, I just wanted to stand here on a sidewalk, Alice. I don't get to Beverly Hills very often. And I love it. Even the air out here is different. That's my tuxedo, the Chinese food stolen. Here we go. Hold on tight, honey. Because this is where we start to live. Oh, this is lovely. What a gorgeous lobby. Yeah, man, yeah. Hey, look, this joint must be packed. They got that velvet rope up. Don't you worry about it, Curly. Jacqueline made the reservation for us. Hey, that's the head waiter right there. I'll handle this, Curly. One moment, please. You say I say that is a very odd thing. Yes, indeed. We have a French chef and a Danish pastry cook. And yet I could swear I just smelled egg-foo young. Look, I'll take care of this, Elliot. Haven't you read the rules, young man, on the kitchen door? No bus boys in the lobby. Come on, now, come along. Look, Lisey. Table 18 wants some more hot rolls. Table 18 wants some more hot rolls. Look, buddy, you're all wrong. I'm with them. I mean, that is, look, I mean, we're all together. There's some mix up here. We were hoping to have dinner. This is my husband. Oh, dear. Why don't you look on your book and see if there's a reservation for Harris? Oh, very well. You may check your things for the moment. We ain't got nothing to check, mister. We figured why should we check something and then spend two bucks to get it back. Elliot. So we left our hats and coats in the car. Indeed. And where did you leave the car? Home in the garage. Yes, well, I've been looking at the list and I do find the name of Harris. However, there is a question mark beside it. Who made the reservation? My fiance did. Miss Jacqueline Matthews. Hi, Jacqueline. Here she is now, mister. She made our reservation. Yes. When I came to work tonight, I wrote it in your book there. You, the cigarette girl, had the audacity to write in my reservation book. No. I used the last two words in your paper, May Pell. Tell them, honey. And another thing, Mr. Headwaiter, I deplore being referred to as a cigarette girl. I may be a cigarette girl now, but I've been studying nights and mark my words. Someday I'll be checking hats. Indeed, my dear. Very dramatic. But I do not comprehend your vernacular. What she's trying to say, Bob, is someday, one of these days, pow, right in your butter plate. Now, are we going to get a table or not? What are you going to do? Oh, yes. Decided to, sir. In fact, I'll take care of you myself. Follow me, please. Now, which table shall I... Tell me. Tell me quite confidentially. Do you smell egg-foo-young? No, I don't. Me, either. Well, I do. So take this table here right by the open window. The window isn't open. Forgive me. I couldn't wait. It's about time we got a table. I'm starved. Now, can we have a waiter? Yes. I'll mail in your request right away. We've been sitting here two and a half hours, and we haven't got a waiter yet. Oh, it's murder. What time is it, anyway? Well, I've got 11.38. No, you're wrong, Alice. I got 11.42. You are all wrong. It's the 12 o'clock under the nose. 12 o'clock, how do you know? I'm a brusio. Take off with the tuxedos. Wait a minute, Mr. Brusio. You can't take back these tuxedos now. You'll bet you my life I'm going to take them. I got to those rent already for tomorrow. If you want these tuxedos, you've got to take them off of us. Take them off of you, you say? Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, no. I like the nerve of that little guy tackling both of us. Hot-headed little guy like that, telling us he's going to take our tuxedos away from us. I guess he'll remember that battle for a while. Yeah. It was pretty cold out here on Sunset Boulevard with nothing on. You know, if Jacqueline hadn't been so nice, we wouldn't have anything to cover us. Yeah. Good old Jacqueline. Hey. Hmm? Put it up here in front of both of us, and then we'll walk close together. Yeah, okay. Uh-oh. Here comes a cop. Yeah. Cigars, cigarettes. Cigars, cigarettes. Yes, Phil. Honey, it ain't that I'm suspicious. It's just that he doesn't trust you. I do too. Only, honey, this note I found looks kind of peculiar. It's a phone number in your handwriting, Quincy-1995. Oh, Phil, I can explain that. Just a fact, ma'am. We just went with the facts. I wanted a radio for Mother, and... Well, what's that got to do with a phone number? Well, it's not a phone number. Quincy is the name of a wonderfully low-priced RCA Victor Radio with the Golden Throat Tone System. And $19.95 is its price. $19.95. Hmm, a radio for the old battle. I mean, your mother. That's right. As little as $19.95. Yes, Phil. Why, at that low price, anybody can afford this swell, RCA Victor Quincy Radio. Of course. Then let your mother buy her own. This is Phil again. Folks, 1954 may be the showdown year in the 16-year fight of the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis Against Polio. Because of the discovery of a proven weapon called Vaccine GG, no child or parent may ever again have to live in the shadow of this dreadful crippler. Won't that be wonderful? So if you haven't already done it, put a buck or two in the mail for the March of Dimes. Won't you? Thanks. Good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribed were Shirley Mitchell, Hi-Abrabeck, Jerry Desmond, and the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC Radio Network Presentation. Does your radio sound like this? Does the volume fluctuate? Is there an annoying hum? If your radio has any of these symptoms, the trouble may be a weak or worn-out tube. If so, have your service man install dependable new RCA tubes. Experts will tell you, RCA radio tubes give you the best performance your radio can deliver. I'll hear Merrill Muller in the news on the NBC Radio Network.