 You're listening to highlights from The David Feldman Show, heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio, or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, and now YouTube. Please subscribe to this channel. For more information, go to davidfeldmanshow.com. Thank you for listening. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad, pathetic humps. Joining us with his tail between his legs in Los Angeles. Crawling back to me to apologize. Comedian, comedy writer Liam McEnany. Hello there, Liam. Hi, David. How are you? It's so great to be on your podcast. Hey, congratulations. Thank you for an honor. Congratulations. Oh, thank you. Thank you for what? For getting on The David Feldman Show. You know what? I had a really hard time booking this podcast. I had to pick up my phone and say yes to you. You've been invited back. I have. I am a returning champion for The David Feldman Show. And let me tell you something. Of the 13 things I should be doing right now, this is easily my top one through 12th favorite. So are you going to apologize for leaving New York City and going to Los Angeles and discovering that David Feldman was right, telling you not to move, to stay in New York, to fight it out? Well, first of all, let me apologize to the good people of New York City for moving. I didn't realize what a blow would be to civic pride. And, you know, I found it really touching because actually the City of New York, to kind of as a gesture to reach out to me, I understand they threw an entire civic pride parade this past weekend. But like, show how proud they are of their city and how much they miss me. And I marched in that. You told me, you said to me, hey, David, there's a big pride to honor Leah McEnany. It would be really great for you to put on your short shorts and a tank type and march. Right. And I did. I wanted you to get a healthy tan. Yeah. And, you know, I guess like this symbolized that even though I'm gone, there's still a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I understand the city like supplied a lot of people with rainbow flags and outfits and ass with chaps. And I was really very touched at how much the entire city of New York missed me. Yeah. You know what I noticed how flamboyant your fans are? Oh, they when they get excited, they just can't help but dance and burst in the song. This is Leah McEnany best week ever. What's the name of your big show? Tell your friends about it or what's it called? The best week ever is definitely my best credit. I have done nothing in the last 11 years. So, luckily best week ever. There's one thing you know about Viacom shows. The VH1 gave me enough money to retire on after that. So, I'm deaf. If you're listening at home, it's not a sign of laziness that David could only supply a credit from 11 years ago. A sign that he did research maybe. It's just really kind of where I peeked in my career. That's not true. What's the name of your new comedy CD? It's called Working Class Fancy from Comedy Dynamics. You can actually hear it on Serious XM. It's in pretty heavy rotation right now. I'm very proud of it. A lot of people seem to like it. I really feel like I'm making an LA because I can see a Scientology building from where I'm sitting. Are you sitting out at the cafe near UCB? No, actually. I'm in Malibu right now in my rental. Things aren't going as well as I'd hoped out here. I could only rent a home out in Malibu for the season. Hopefully, things will turn around and I can buy something. But right now, I'm in Malibu. It's not as big as I'd hoped. I kind of have to share a beach with Madonna and Bob Dylan. Are you doing like an Airbnb where you live in the maid's quarters? No. This is Steven Cate. Steven Cate. Spielberg and Capshaw. They got divorced a while ago. This house was joint property and neither of them wanted to sell because it would mean that the other one made a lot of money. They just kind of leave it empty most of the year. Steve, you know Steve, right? Spielberg, he offered to let me rent it from him for a reasonable price. The whole house? The whole house. It's not that big. It's like a few bedrooms. I have a couple of friends who are going to come and stay with me over the summer. Oh, so you sublet? So you charge them to stay with them? No, no, no. They're going to... It's kind of like one of those deals where it's like I let Lauren and Michael, you might know them, and Marty Short and Steve Martin. I don't know if you know those guys. I let them stay with me and then we'll all go out to St. Bart's for a couple of weeks and I'll stay with them. It's just that kind of deal, you know? At least like a friend's helping each other kind of deal. So you're kind of like a personal assistant. The comedy didn't go well and you're kind of renting this house as a business. You invite these people like Lauren, Michael, Steve Martin, Marty Short to stay at the house and then you kind of make them dinner. Right? Now, it's more like I met Lauren, Michael, through Steven Spielberg. I think I told you I know him. I was writing a... I was helping him. I mean, God, I wasn't even writing it. I wish I was a leader. I was one of the people who was helping George write the new Indiana Jones movie. George? Lucas. He's half retired, so you might not have run into him. Oh, so you're... Hey, that's great. You're a writer's assistant for these guys. You know, you're going to learn a lot just typing what they say into a computer. And I bet eventually they'll take some of your ideas and trust you. You'll get to see some of your words on the screen, which... Boy, you pretty much describe what it's like to so-called collaborate with George and Steven. George just, you know, throws out ideas and I'm writing and I'm writing. And at the end of the day, Steven's just like, look, I've read your other work. I trust your gut. You can just throw that stuff away. This is such a great lesson in business management. Guys like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. They're filmmakers. I don't know if you've heard of them. Yes, I have. And the way... They direct. Okay. And no idea. No idea should be rejected and it doesn't matter who the idea comes from. If it's good, it should stand on its own. Right. And somebody like you who's been hired on as a writer's assistant is called a collaborator. And I think that's such a great way to run your business where everybody is kind of equal. Well, I'm more of a co-writer. But listen, enough about me. No, no, that's great. I heard you got nominated for an award for that puppet show you were writing for. What was that puppet show called? I want to get back to you moving to Hollywood and making a mistake, realizing that it wasn't going to work out. And then when it didn't work out and you realized you weren't going to make it, that David Felden was correct, you made lemonade. You did a gut check. You looked in the mirror and said, okay, I'm not an actor. I'm not a writer. Right. I have friends to learn. I'll go get it. I mean, I will be acting in the New Indiana Jones movie, but generally I'm not an actor. See, that's why... I'm only going to be like third or fourth billed. So, yeah, I mean, it's like not really that big of a deal. It's like you're going to school. That's what Steve... Right. ...in Spielberg and George Lucas do. They take somebody like you who, well, production assistant, a writer's assistant like you. Writer, yes. And they say, you know what? We want you to learn everything. We're going to give you a job as an extra in this movie as well. So, you're like in the background scene, right? Well, I'm in the background of a lot of scenes, but I'm mostly a co-lead, I think is the term. This is so great. It's so egalitarian that they would call an extra. Right. A co-lead. That's fantastic. Right. These are the Hollywood values that we have to bring to the rest of the country. These progressive... You know, Harrison, right? Whenever he's on screen, nobody's looking at me. I get what you're saying. And my job is mostly to react to whatever he's doing. So, you're right. You know, like I'm definitely like, you know, not the lead, but I would say, you know, co-star maybe or other star or star after the star maybe. You know, I've always wanted to start a comedy think tank with this podcast, and that's exactly how I would run it. Everybody's a co-star. Everybody is a writer. Because I think a lot of people feel like... Your podcast is a lot like community theater, you know, like comedy community theater, like a charity gig almost, you know? Like everyone comes in and pitches in equally. My concern for you, and I'm glad things are going well, and I think it's really great that you're... You know, things are... I don't want you to feel like... I mean, okay, so you know how like, you know that they're already prepping the new Transformers movie? Uh-huh. Right. So, you know, I was kind of, you know, asked to write the first few drafts of that. And then, you know, but the thing is because the last Transformers movie didn't do so well, like usually you get a half a million, 750,000, for this kind of work. But now they're saying like, oh well, we'll pay you 250,000, and then we'll give you a bump every 50 million that the picture grosses at the box office internationally. So it's like, yes, I could technically walk away with a million, but will I be making as much money as I should right off the bat? Not really. So I mean, I don't want you to feel like things are going that well for me. So that's what the guy writing the Transformers movie set to you to justify why he's paying you so little to be his assistant? Well, producing the Transformers movie, who hired me to write, when I had a conversation with Michael Bay about it, yes. You met Michael Bay? Well, some would say Michael Bay met me, but yes, I would say we met each other for dinner. You met him through the writer you're working for? The writer? He heard some of my comedy on the radio and then he asked for some writing samples and then he asked to meet me. Did you feel insulted that he asked for writing samples? I hope you put the writing samples together and you swallowed your pride because you never know, Liam, when one of these jobs can turn into something more than just being an assistant. Well, I mean, yes, I absolutely agree. I mean, like part of my deal because I'm getting paid so little is the studio has to finance the script that I sent them as a sample. You know, they really liked it and at first they were like, no, but then the whole paid thing came up. So I'm going to write and direct it and star in it, kind of do the Woody Allen thing. That could be a big budget deal. Hold on to that dream, my friend, because you're meeting the right people and eventually this could come to fruition. Well, I mean, we'll see, you know, it's just like it kind of stinks because if this film thing goes through then I'm going to have to put my sitcom on the back burner and that was just kind of what I came to LA to do, you know? Are you spreading yourself too thin being a writer's assistant to Michael Bay's new writer and then being a writer's assistant to George Lucas and Steven Spielberg? I mean, being a writer's assistant takes up a lot of time. I'm worried that you're burning the candle both ends. I was also worried about that and then I read this book. It's kind of my how-to manual on surviving in Hollywood. It's called The Kid Stays in the Picture and Robert Evans. Oh, you've heard of it. You know, Robert, I met him, you know, whatever. He seemed nice enough guy, but in the book, they talk about this creative age that they use called cocaine and, you know, I hadn't heard of this cocaine before, but apparently it adds about seven to eight hours to your working day. How can you afford cocaine on a writer's assistant's salary? I mean, what do they pay? If I could also, yeah, if I could get one of my assistants fired and take their salaries then I wouldn't have to go out of pocket for this cocaine. Wait a second. That's a really good idea. This is so wasteful in Hollywood and it's generous, I have to admit. Writers assistants have their own assistants. I don't know if my assistants have their own assistants. If they do, then I could definitely see how I could maybe get some more money for this cocaine because I have to tell you something. I'm really enjoying the cocaine even more than the writing and the directing and the producing. But cocaine is very expensive. I just don't see where you have the money to buy something like that. You know what you caught me and I guess I wasn't going to talk about this because I'm only kind of talking about the glamour gigs, but I will be headlining a few arenas across the country over the next year. Like, you know, Madison Square Garden and O2 in London. You know, I just tell you a few, like, select bigger arenas. I'm going to have a Louis C.K. opening for me. Kind of deal. So that's pretty much where my coke money is going to come from. I don't understand. I like coke a lot. As you said, it's very expensive. The other stuff. The arena? Oh, I haven't touched the other stuff. I'd be afraid to try anything, you know, harder than cocaine. No, no, no, no, I'm talking about... I understand cocaine can be a gateway drug. No, no, no, I'm talking about you headlining Madison Square Garden? Right, Madison Square Garden. It's not a real garden. It's like a big arena where normally sports teams play. Yeah, I got that. I'm not doing like a garden. I'm not in the back of someone's house. It's like a real arena. I used to be in a place called Madison Square. I get all that. I know about Madison Square Garden. What I don't get is your headlining Madison Square Garden. That... I'm looking this up on the internet as we speak and I do see Leah McEnany, Three Nights at Madison Square Garden, August 5th, 6th and 7th, Louis C.K. and Todd Barry are the opening acts. Oh, Todd got on the show. Okay, that's good. What's that about? I feel like you kind of misled me here. Well, no, no, I just didn't know Todd was also on the show. I would have told you. Like you entered into this interview on false pretenses. Well, I mean, you know, it's like I've only been in L.A. for nine months. I haven't had that much time to accomplish anything. Well, I... But let's talk about you. How'd your show QED go last night? So, wait a second. So your headlining Madison Square Garden... Well, I would say I'm closing it out. It says here, star of the new HBO series, Liam. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know we were announcing that. Yeah. You know, it's like a... I didn't really want to do it, but then I did a Judd's show at L.A. You know Judd Apatow? You meant Judd? David? Hello? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Have you met Judd? Yeah. Yeah, you met Judd Apatow? Yeah. All right, so I did Judd's show at Largo. And are you not crying? It sounds like you're crying a little bit. No, if it does, it would be because I'd be happy for you. Oh, fantastic. I wasn't going to bring it up because, you know, I feel like some of my less accomplished friends get a little bummed out. I want to talk about how great... Do you think that I would be jealous of you for all this? That I wouldn't be happy? No. No, of course. I mean, you've got your memories of the Daily Show, and that's great too. No, I mean, you didn't... I'm just concerned that you started this interview... Uh-huh. ...and you kept certain information from me about your career. And I'm worried that you thought that I would resent your success because you think I don't have enough success in my own career, so you were just kind of trying to fit in by not telling me about Liam on HBO. Well, here's the thing. I had a long conversation with Alex, Brazil. You know him? He runs Showbird Studios. I haven't spoken to him. Have you spoken? He doesn't... I haven't spoken to him in a couple of weeks. Oh, yeah. He's always calling me just pitching his clients for different shows and jobs and stuff like that. I introduced you to Alex. Right. I think it's great that Alex and you have a relationship because that's what this business is all about. It's giving wings to youth and letting them fly. That's what it's all about. So you spoke to Alex, huh? I spoke to Alex, Brazil. He's telling me I should hire Matt Goldich because he's a great writer and he's like, you know who else is a great writer? It's Kevin Bartini who has a podcast on my network. Good. That's good. Because when they succeed, we don't succeed. Yeah. Good. Great. I hired my friend. I went to college with who's never written for anything before, but he would probably be good in a writer's room. And I was like, sure, I'll take a chance on that kid. Why not, right? Mm-hmm. So the guy at the deli across the street had a couple funny jokes and maybe he could write for your roast set next month. You're doing a roast? Well, Comedy Central is doing their roast. Mike Myers from Austin Powers and Love Guru. I didn't know that they were doing a roast. Yeah. Mike asked me to do it as a favor. I can't say no to Mike. So Alex, who's my producer and my manager, he probably... Oh, he's your manager? Oh, that's interesting. Oh. Huh. That's interesting because your name didn't really... So, all right. Well, okay, great. Sure. Yeah. My name didn't... He knows that I'm being very selective about my writing work. Oh, yeah, that's right. He said something about that. Yeah. He said you really wanted to focus on your puppet show and your podcast. Yeah. By the way, congratulations. Cable A-Sword? Yeah. I don't know. One of those things. So how long did you know about Liam being on HBO? How long did Alex know about this? I'm just kind of curious. Oh, it's just one of those things where, you know, I was at a party. Did Alex make the deal? Well, he's the one who introduced me to Lena. You know, Dunham? Yeah. She had a show on HBO for a little bit. Yes, he and her are good friends, and he's gotten a couple of people staffed on that show over the last couple of years before it went off the hair. So we went to the finale party and I started talking to some people and, you know, they were just like, oh, you know what? We've never seen your stand up or read a word he's written, but you're such an interesting person. You should just have a TV show. Anyways. I told you not to move to Los Angeles because it's quicksand. Dude, you were so right. You're stuck there now. You're stuck. I could have been, I could have been in New York City doing shows at QED. Now you're trapped. You know, living in a rent stabilized apartment in Central Queens like I was. Now you're trapped in this endless cycle of movies and sitcoms and on the road. I, you know, I told you not, you know. And it's like, you can't really have a relationship, like a strict relationship with a woman. You know, like it's like that kind of fulfilling relationship that you want. So I'm just like dating these two women and, you know, which is kind of. Yeah. So did Alex, did Alex, did Alex anything about my possibly doing a guest set at Madison Square Garden in between Todd Barry and Louis CK? Cause I'm. Oh, I love you, David. You're, you're like the best. Like I'm like this guy who became famous. And then you're like the rag picker that I fondly remember, you know, like giving scraps of food to, like I feel like that's the kind of relationship we have. Right? I love it when you know, I just. I love it when you make fun of me because I know you don't mean it. I'll tell you what, David, I'm offering, I am offering five minutes at my secret QED show. I'm doing a secret show QED midnight on. The time that I'm doing, I'm doing Madison Square Garden. That's all I can say legally. And I'm offering stage time to anyone who can hook me up with cocaine in New York City. You know, as fun as the Madison Square Garden gig is, it's the cocaine that I'm really, like it's really kind of become my, my overriding interest. The show for HBO, Liam. Yes. With an exclamation point. Where are they making it? Well, we're going to film it in New York City. At Buttercup over in Queens. Yes, Buttercup Studios. Oh, man. And also we're just going to be filming all over the city. See, that, again, I'm living in Manhattan. And the idea of having a get up and go take a writing job and schlep all the way out to Buttercup Studios in Queens. I wouldn't do that to you. I would never do that. Yeah. You know, when you get older, you need your rest. I get that. Yeah. You know, what's cool is there is actually a character in the show. He's kind of an older show business mentor figure, like a writer. He's Jewish. His name is David. Yeah. David Leibowitz. Close. You know, kind of like won a lot of cable ace awards in his day. Hmm. So you need somebody. You need somebody to, you need an actor. No, no, no. Oh, Lewis Black's going to play that role. But I just want to let you know that that's kind of one of the characters that's going to be on the show. So HBO's legal team kind of wanted me to tell you that if you try to sue them, they're going to destroy you. So I hate to be. Don't kill the messenger. Lewis lives in Manhattan. Yeah. Well, you know, when they, when they found out I got Lewis Black, they were like, yeah, we'll get car service for him. Like he doesn't have to wake up a minute earlier than he needs to. We're kind of working, working around his schedule a little bit. Yeah. But this is older. Well, you know how the older folks get a little bit tired and, you know, so I wouldn't want to do that to him. Like make him feel obligated. Hope. Yeah. Hope he's doing okay that he needs a gig like that. Have to. Yeah. We're kind of, I mean, he's going to be making a lot of money next year because we're co-headlining across Europe. Wow. Just seems like a shame to have to work that hard at his age. You know, it's two, two hours a night. Plus he and I are going to be actually, you know, he got either. I like to sleep. I like to sleep in my own bed. You know, I have my creature. So he's actually going to, he's going to co-author half of the scripts for this show. A lot of writing to do to pay the bills. I hope he, help his business. I mean, we actually steal his money. This is, isn't it so funny? It sounds desperate. Lewis Blacks, it sounds like he's desperate. I don't know. Well, I guess it's just they're doing something called preemptively nominating us for an Emmy just based on both of our track records. Sounds like just chasing gold and mammon at the expense of your spiritual growth. It just seems like an empty experience. I wish I could be back in New York City doing QED shows again. Oh God. I mean, that's because then you're doing it for yourself, you know? I mean, literally there's three people in the audience. So Alex. You're literally doing it for yourself. Alex, you spoke to Alex, huh? Yeah. He's the one who hooked me up with Lewis. It's interesting because five years ago, I introduced Alex was 18 at the time five years ago and I introduced him to Lewis Black, which is, he never would have met Lewis Black at an event for me. It's kind of interesting that. Kat's in the cradle, man. Kat's in the cradle. What can I tell you? Well, you know, the great thing is, because I handed Alex the script, the pilot script. He said Lewis would be great, not only for the role of David. We both agree that was our first choice. But also he said like, what you need is someone who's an experienced writer. You know, he studied playwriting at Yale and he said like, you need someone who's like really good at writing. Really, really good at comedy. Because we were talking about you initially. Really? Then we both agreed like, yeah, but then we both agreed like, that would make you feel bad. Like if your scripts weren't up to par or, you know, like if you, you know, like if they weren't any good or you didn't know what you were doing or, you know, like you freaked out halfway through the process and quit or, you know, like if you kind of just had a meltdown and cried a lot at the writer's table or, you know, like you just kind of embarrassed yourself or, you know, peed yourself at a party or, you know, didn't know who anyone was and kind of insulted everybody in the room or, you know, just kind of like got into a big flame war with someone on Twitter or, or yeah, any of these things that could possibly happen to you. We felt it wouldn't be fair to you to put you in the spotlight like that, like in the firing line. Thank you for that. And I'm being very selective. You know, also it's just kind of like, you know, we agreed like you're so comfortable in that, in that SRO you live in. You have your bathroom down the hall. I thought it, you have your kitchen and when Alex said he would get me SRO. I thought he meant standing room only like I was going to sell out a clock. No, he would never let you sell out. Yeah, true to your principles, man. Right. The only reason I'm in an SRO is I thought it meant standing room only. And I can't. Not that I need to stay at this. Right. But it, right. No, I understand you can't afford furniture for it. So technically an SRO, you know, standing room only. So that's what I heard. But I would never. Hey, so I don't know if Alex told you about my theory about back to zero. Have you ever told you my back to zero theory about comedy? No. I feel like guys like me who get really successful. Well, obviously, you know what success is like. Oh, I'm just stepping up the rungs of the ladder. I'm not ready. I wouldn't call. Look, just because of variety or, you know, the New York Times would call me huge success. I don't agree with that. Yeah. I mean, success is just anyone who's above ground breathing during the day. Right. So you're new to the success game. I've been around the block and I've been successful for a long time. You have been around successful people, right? I've been successful for a long and I stay successful doing this back to zero thing where I do a reset. Like a weight loss? No, it's I do a reset to keep my comedic chops sharp. One of the things I like to do is swim around in the muck with the new guys. And it's not about the money, believe me. It's not about the money. Right. I like that. Yeah. Occasionally, I'll staff up and take a job. Right. Just to mix it up. I'll mix it up with the young kids because they keep me sharp. They keep me honest. I kind of do it on the DL. You know what DL means? Yes. It means you're secretly gay. And maybe I was misled. What I meant is I don't make a big thing out of it. I go in there. I hang out in the writing room. I work really hard. I show up on time as though. Right. Like I'm just like a kid starting out. I don't make trouble. I keep my mouth shut. I'm very supportive of everybody in the room. Right. You know, I don't create camps. You don't have to worry. You're definitely known for showing up early and leaving late and asking if there are food or drink tickets. Those are the things you are known for. My back to zero program where I just shed all my accomplishments and I'm just a raw nerve starting out again. Right. Get that hunger again. Get that hunger because that's what makes a man funny. My back to zero program. Occasionally I will staff up. I'll go writer's guild minimum. I'll do the minimum. I'll keep my mouth shut. I'll work really hard. I won't make trouble. Right. I don't hang out. Get a minimum wage job. I got it. Writer's guild union job. I don't hang out at craft services. Badmouthing the star and the executive producer. Really back to zero is about learning to be a team player, getting out of myself and being part of a larger fabric. That's what I like to do. The same way George Clooney or Brad Pitt will take a supporting role in an independent film to help a new director, a young actor starting out. Yeah, I mean George has been really supportive of Liam. You're right. He's taking the fragment of him to have a co-starring role in my show. So I totally hear what you're saying. Yeah. And that's why I would never insult you by offering you any kind of pain gig whatsoever. You know, I think writer's guild minimum. In any form. I think both of us have gotten to a point in our career where obviously writer's guild minimum is slavery and it's insulting, but that's not why I'm going to do this for you. I'm doing it really for myself, Liam. No, I mean I understand. I mean, I hear what you're saying. I agree. I would never hire you. Right. Like I was thinking about it. Like it's kind of like one of those like, Hey, you know, whatever happened to like I was at NBC and I was talking to some people there. And I was just kind of like, Oh, what's David Feldman up to? And they told them that I was going to do your podcast. And they were like, Oh, yeah, David Feldman. That's a blast from the past from the distant past. Like, you know, you know, like a dinosaur times kind of deal. You know how industry jokes around like that. And we agreed, you know, that like, that what you're doing at QED really is important too. Right. It's important that that there's guys like you with a lot of street cred. And what are some kind of even living on the street cred? Yeah. And one of the, yeah. You know, one of the ways I keep my street cred is by going to work every day. Right. This back to zero thing. Right. No more than zero vision. Right. Zero and it's just all about serving others. Right. I think you would, if I decide to do this. Like a waiter. If I decide. Or a caterer. Yeah. Should I deign to go back to zero on Liam? Exclamation point. Right. You would learn what humility from me. Humility is more than just spiritual. It's just good for business. I think my humility will go a long way. Right. What profits a man who gains the world if he loses his soul? I know exactly what you're talking about. My back to zero thing to keep me funny. Being funny is a lot about humility. A lot of like working with Chris Gersbeck and, you know, Freddie Goldstein and kind of learning from them a little bit. Learning the basics of joke writing from them. I really need humility. Do you understand what I'm saying? I have gotten to a point where I've been so successful and things have been going so well. I'm kind of begging you. I know this sounds insane. Right. I'm kind of begging you to let me be humble before you and God. Right. You understand what I'm saying? You understand what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Like the guild minimum. I'm a big union guy. You know that, right? Right. Definitely all my shows are union. Yeah. And here's the thing because I'm big with the union all for one, one for all the unity. Right. We're all in this together. As a... Right. We can do it. Like Rosie the River. Right. So my thing is... And I'm only saying this because I'm going back to zero. This is about my humility and my support for the writer's guild. In order for me to understand how important the union is, I think it might be a good idea for you to pay me a little less than writer's guild. Maybe off the books. Maybe... Oh. So that... I can't do that. Well, I know you can't do that. It really makes me sick to even suggest this. However, I think I'd be doing my fellow union members the rank and file. I'd be doing them a favor because then I could speak from experience on what it's like to take a non-union job because I think I've forgotten it. Here's my thoughts about that. I just learned that I'm going to have to fire my writer's assistants of their assistance to pay for this cocaine. I'm not sure... I mean, like, if I'm getting rid of assistant's assistants, I didn't even know these writer's assistants had assistants. I'm freeing up this budget for cocaine. Right. And, you know, I got to be honest. Like, there's just not going to be... Really, once I'm done slashing the budget, any room for anyone other than me and Lewis, Alex's friends from the deli, Priskersbeck, I got him a job, and Micah Fox, and Karen Fien, and gosh, who else is on Jim Merle, and Barry Lank, and, you know, Tony Kameen, and... Oh, yeah, Aaron Sorkin. Okay. He's got a big seat. All right. And, you know, and then they all have to have their assistants. And so I'm looking in the budget for the assistant's assistants. Maybe if I could trim a few of those guys and maybe get a wholesale deal in my cocaine, I could afford, pay you $150? And is $150... I mean, that's a lot, right? $150 what? You know, $150. $150 what? $150k. $150,000? No, no, no. K is my shorthand for a week. $150 a week? $150 a week, yeah. A little below WJ minimum. In fact, it's so far below WJ minimum, technically, you would be building the credits, not at all. That's a lot of humility. You know, I would offer to pay you more, but you gave me this whole wrap about how you want to start over. I don't need to get that spiritual. How about something a little less enlightened? K, I mean, I could give you $100 a week. That's too purifying for me. You mean you want like a yoga mat? No, no, I'm saying is $100, $150 a week is too much... Too much? I got that, I got that. Okay, so $50 a week. I'll pay you $50 a week and you can have whatever's left over from craft services at the end of the shoot. My ego would just evaporate and while that's something that we all strive for, I really think I would get the bends from that. That's great. You said $150, I think that's probably in the range of spirituality that I can... I really like that a lot. Yes, so I start when... I like that a lot. When do I...? Oh, no, no, I thought you were talking about the bends, the Radiohead album. Well, you could, I guess, at $125 a week... Oh, that's a little... I thought... We would have to kind of cut into my candy budget. Hang on for one second. I really think $150 is like... $115, got it. No, $150. So at $115 a week... No, $150. I'm not doing it. Right. It's insane that we're talking about money because this is all about my spiritual well-being, but I think $100... And it's so awkward to talk about it with a good friend. Yeah, so $150... You know, $115, got it. $150 a week. Agreed, $115. $150 a week. $115 every other week, got it. I weekly. How about $115 a week? $115 by monthly, got it. I think you're just... You're just negotiating against yourself now, pal. Okay, so... I'm trying to bring you up to $115 a week. How about $115 every other week? Well, I'll be honest with you. Normally, I wouldn't make this deal, but really starving for spirituality and enlightenment. Right. Okay, well, I'll tell you what. Yeah. You know, I told my 10-year-old nephew he could have a job, and we were going to use that money to pay him because he kind of had a really good idea for Character Arc for the last three episodes. Kind of one of the most intelligent things that would ever be aired on HBO. But, you know... Okay, I'll just tell him that he's going to have to take an executive producer credit. You know, like it. What am I getting? You are getting $100 every other week. And if the WGA asks, I've never heard of you and also we might have to stuff you in a car trunk for eight hours if they come do an onset visit. Thank you. Thank you so much. I mean... Well, listen, man. I just don't want you to think... I mean, I like to think of myself as one of the few guys in Hollywood who remembers his friends. Thank you. And is grateful to everyone who gave him a leg up. There's a lot of people in this town that wouldn't give you that kind of deal. Well, thank you. Everybody, when they see David Feldman, it's like, pull out the red carpet. Let's all be successful and brag to David. Yes, give him your secondhand carpet so he has something to sleep on. It feels so good to be given an opportunity to just re-experiencing my birth again in show business. And I thank you for that. I thank you for the opportunity to be... Hi. Hey, congratulations. Oh, thanks. Thank you for what? For getting on The David Feldman Show. For more information, go to davidfeldmanshow.com. Thank you for listening.