 J-E-L-L-L-O The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Abe Lyman at his orchestra coming to you from Radio City, New York. The orchestra opens the program with I double dare you. Change in the Jell-O program tonight, it comes to you from New York instead of Hollywood. But there's no change in Jell-O with its six delicious flavors. Jell-O is always good wherever you have it, New York or Hollywood, north or south, at home or in a restaurant. You can count on Jell-O to be tops in goodness every time. For Jell-O brings you that special extra rich fruit flavor. A flavor as delicious as the fresh ripe fruit itself. That's why Jell-O's six flavors are tempting and refreshing. All six colors are bright and gay. Just be sure to get genuine Jell-O when you buy. Look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O. You play by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who traveled all the way from California to New York. That tipsy of the airwaves, Jack Benny. Thank you very much. Hello again. This is Jack Benny, your little nomad talking. And Harry Von Zell, I want to tell you right now how much I appreciate you're helping me out tonight. It's a grand gesture. Oh, well, don't mention it, Jack. I only hope I'll be able to fill down Wilson's shoes. What is that? I said, I hope I can fill down Wilson's shoes. Oh, you can, Harry. You can. But don't ever get into his pants without a compass. You should see that guy. Well, tell me, Jack, what kind of a trip did you have in New York? Did you fly in? No, Harry, I took one of those new streamlined trains, and believe me, they are classy. I mean, they're the last word in luxury. Yes, I heard that. They tell me the service is marvelous. Oh, it is, although I think they overdo it a little bit. Oh, they do? Yeah, I didn't mind when the conductor sent me gardenias. But when the porter tucked me in my berth and sang, Rock-a-bye, baby, I thought that was going too far, you know? And the candy vendor was he Ritzy. He was Ritzy, huh? Yeah, you should have heard him. He walked up and down the aisle yelling candy, peanuts, popcorn, and annuities. I tell you, Harry, it is positive. See, it rings just like it does in Hollywood. Pardon me a minute. Hello? Who? No, I'm sorry, Miss. Phil Harris didn't come to New York with me. What? No, I can't run home and get him. Goodbye. It's all I've heard from every girl in town. Phil Harris, is he here? Where is he? Anyway, it looks like we ought to have a lot of fun though tonight, Harry. I don't know whether you know it or not, but your boss, Fred Allen, is coming up here. He is. Well, that's funny. He told me he was going to an egg roll. An egg roll? Well, maybe that's what he thinks this is. Hi, Jack, old boy. Welcome to New York. Oh, hello, Lyman. How are you? Little Bo Peep is here again. Oh, well. Hey, Jack, I want to thank you very much for letting me be on your program tonight. It was doggone sweet of you. Yes, it was. It was. Please try and act like a gentleman tonight, not a gorilla. Don't worry, Jack. I made up my mind to behave myself. I'm a changed guy. Well, that suits me, Abe. I'm glad to hear it. Believe me. Here, Jack, to show you my heart's in the right place, I brought you a bouquet of flowers. Flowers? Hey, wait a minute, Jack. Drop that bouquet. Well, what's wrong here? I saw Abe put a tarantula in that. A tarantula? Yes. Well, those things are deadly. Abe Lyman, that's positively the worst thing I've ever heard of. Well, gee, I only did it for a laugh. A laugh? What a sense of humor. You're the kind of a guy who would give your grandmother a hot foot. I do, and she loves it. You and your practical jokes. Hey, Harry, you know what Lyman did to me last summer in Hollywood? What? I was nice enough to invite her to my house for the weekend, and he put a shark in my swimming pool. He did? Yeah, I thought it was a rubber one till I started missing toes. How do you like that for a trick? That was one of my best gags. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, Abe, just attend to your music tonight and keep away from me, will you? Come in. How do you do? Greetings, Mr. Benny. I don't think we've ever met before. My name is Ripley. Oh, Bob Ripley. Believe it or not, man. It was awfully nice of you to drop in, Mr. Ripley. What can I do for you? Well, Jack, you know I'm always on the lookout for curiosities of all kinds. Yes. Yes, I... I never miss your program or your cartoons either. Well, what's on your mind? Well, I would like to get a few angles on you and your work as a curiosity. Oh, well, right ahead. Now, first, is it true that when you make a picture, you wear a silver box to pay? Yes, but only on special occasion is a rule I wear a subdued fright wig, like JC Flippans. You know, something... You're a musician, aren't you? Well, yes. Around Carnegie Hall, I'm known as Yasha. Is it true that the strings on your violin were made from the tail of a wildcat who later committed suicide? Well, he didn't commit suicide exactly, but he is wilder than ever now, Bob. Now, one more question, Jack. I understand that you were recently chosen as one of the best, best men in America. Is that right? Yes, I cannot deny that. Well, is that suit you're wearing now a sample of your taste in clothes? Well, of course. Don't go by this, Bob. You see, this is just a little lounging outfit, you know? Oh, you mean you'd look better if you were lying down. He's an undertaker. I'll scream. Now, really, it isn't fair to judge me by this suit, Bob. Really, Mr. Ripley, you'd love my soup and fish. You cook, too. I was talking about my formal attire. Any more questions? No. Believe it or not, I think I've got about all I need. Thanks very much. You're welcome. Oh, would you like a picture of me, Mr. Ripley? No, not unless you've got three arms. Goodbye. Harry Ripley seems to be a... I mean, well, Harry, Ripley seems to be a nice... Chef, although his questions were rather embarrassing. Now, what would I do with three arms? Well, you could play your violin and hold your nose at the same time. I could also punch you in the eye, Harry. Well, let's go on with the show. And now, folks, our conductor, Abraham Lyman, will play... What's it going to be, Abe? Here, it's written in this little book. Open it and read it. Why don't you read it yourself? If I could read it, I'd get my own program. Oh, oh, that's right. Go ahead, open the book. Okay. Ouch, my finger! I knew you'd fall for that mouse trap, Gag. Fine, I had to come to New York for that. Now, play your number and leave me alone. Okay. Now, hold it a minute. Come in. Well, well, how are you, old boy? Glad to see you. Say, you're a sight for sore eyes. Well, I... Believe me, it's like old times again. Yes, sir. Say, you've put a little weight, haven't you? Oh, a little, a little. You know, this is rather embarrassing, but I just can't seem to place you. Funny, I can't place you either. Goodbye! Play, Phil, or a... Why don't I stay home where I belong? A nice new number you gave me for my New York appearance. Hallelujah played by Abel and I hate to admit it, but it sounded all right, though. Say, your orchestra's changed a little. I see some new faces in there. Yes, Jack, and I'd like to have you meet some of the boys. This is my first violinist, Misha the Mug. Oh, oh, hello, Misha. Hi, it's us. Nice boy, yes. And Jack, this is my piano player, machine gunstackowski. My, what name? Say, who's that new saxophone player over there? You mean Butch? Yes, yes. I noticed he was scribbling on a piece of paper all during the last number. What was that for? Well, every month he has to write a letter to the parole board. Well, that's sweet of him to remember. Harry, that's a nice bunch of boys Abe has here. Yes, they are, Jack. They all came in caps, which they drove. By the way, Jack, since I'm taking down Wilson's place here, is it all right if I say my little piece now? Oh, sure, Harry. I've been sort of waiting for that. Go right ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're looking for an economical dessert, be sure and go to your nearest grocer and ask for a package of, uh... Jell-O for heaven's sake. Jell-O for heaven's sake. Three years I've been. It comes in six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, cherry and strawberry. Look, what happened to lemon and lime? Oh, yes, lemon, lime, strawberry, raspberry and cherry. Now, orange has disappeared in there. Look, just drop it. Let it go. Oh, no, oh, no. So insist on genuine Jell-O. Look for the big red letters on the orange. That's on the box! Poor Don Wilson. I'll bet he collapsed in front of his radio. Oh, well, thanks anyway, Harry. You tried. Well, what do we do now, Jack? Well, Harry, if I was in Hollywood right now doing this program, just about this time, Mary would walk in and say... Hello, everybody. Hello. Why, James, I've missed you a little lifesaver, you know. You couldn't have walked in at a more opportune time. Am I glad to see you? And I'm glad to see you too, Jack. Are you having a good time in New York? Oh, wonderful. Really a swell... Kate, you know Harry von Zell, don't you? Oh, sure. Hello, Harry. Glad to see you, Kate. And this is our temporary maestro, Abe Lyman. Yes, I've met Mr. Lyman before. Sure. Hello, Smitty. Don't mind him, Kate. He's a little on the rough side, you know. Don't worry, Jack. We'll get along all right. Sit down, slat. Well, I'm glad you're taking it the right way. I must tell you how much I've enjoyed your programs, Kate. They've been grand. Thank you, Jack. And by the way, Mary told me that as soon as I saw you, to give you her love and a great big kiss. How about Phil Harris? There you go. Just like the rest of... No kidding, Kate. Why do you... What do all you girls see in film? Well, he's handsome, charming, swab... Devonair. Devonair? Abe, where did you learn that word? Well, I was reading a book one day and stubbed my eye on it. I thought so. Well, anyway, Kate, how about that kiss Mary wanted me to give you? Now, come on. Come on. None of your lips, Benny. All right. You don't know what you're missing. You know, Kate, I'm a leading man in Hollywood. Well, I'll see you out there sometime. It's a date. You can always find me on Vine Street, right in front of the Owl Drug Store. Oh, say, I meant to tell you, Jack, Mary sent me a letter yesterday and it was all about you. Do you want to hear it? Oh, no. Don't bother, Kate. Well, I will anyhow. Don't bake me now. I'll read it. Be quiet, Jack. It reads, Dear Kate, glad to hear that you're taking my place. But as this is the first time you've ever worked with Jack, there are some things that every girl should know. It starts out bad. If Jack asks you out to dinner and tells you there's a marvelous floor show at the Automat, don't fall for it. Isn't that awful. However, if you do go out to a nightclub with Jack, and he asks you to dance with him, say no. As he'll want to roll up his pants and do the minuet. That's very comical. Give my love to all, and I'll be sitting in front of my radio waiting for your song. Well, that's a sweet ending, anyway. Kate, you are going to sing a number for us, aren't you? You bet I am. Would you like to hear this time it's real? Yes, sir. Give Miss Smith a melodious background and a nice, smooth rhythm. You mean I should be debonair? Yes, and tell your guitar player to put his shoes on. Sing, Kate. Debonair yet. Kate Smith, accompanied by Debonair and his orchestra. Kate, I must say that you sing just as good for Jello as you do for Calumet Baking Powder and Swans Down Cake Flour. See, I got them both in there, didn't I? You know, Kate, I would like to reciprocate in some way, and there's anything I can do for you while I'm in town. Oh, no, Jack, thanks just the same. Well, you've been so sweet, though, Kate. Really, I insist. Well, all right. If it'll make you any happier, you can buy me a nice ermine rack. Well, I'll do that, I will. And now, uh, hey, wait a minute. You mean real ermine? Well, of course, Jack. Well, Kate, I'd run right out and buy you one, except today is Sunday and every place is closed. I can get one of my boys open the store for you. Anyway, don't worry about it, Kate. I'll make up for this some way. Well, that's sweet, Jack. Hello? Hollywood calling? Yeah, this is Jack Benny. I'll take it. Hello? Oh, hello, Kenny. It's Kenny Baker. Well, Kenny, how are you, kid? What? No, she's not taking your place. Look, Kate Smith is a star on her own program. What? Why doesn't she stay on it? Now, Kenny. I'm sorry, Kate. Now, listen, Kenny, I don't want to discuss it with you any further. I'll see you when I get home. What? Yes, yes, I'll bring you one. Now, hang up. Goodbye. What a kid. What does he want, Jack? The little copycat. He wants an ermine wrap, too. I hope what he said didn't offend you, Kate. No. I think he's one of the cutest little brats in the world. Yeah. Listen, Jack, I'd like to stay longer, but really, I must run long now. I want to say thanks very much for inviting me up here. Well, it's been an honest to goodness treat. Don't forget it, Kate. Good evening, Mr. Benny. Were you looking for me? Yes, Rochester, just a minute. Goodbye, Kate, and thanks again so much. So long, Jack. Good luck, and it's been a pleasure. Thank you. I haven't seen you since we got off the train four days ago. Where were you? I've been weekendin' up in Harlem. We had a gin barbecue. I had to do all my own unpacking. What do you think I brought you along for? You didn't say. You're supposed to be working for me when you went to all the hot spots. There ain't no cool ones there. Never mind. I'll look, Rochester. Go right over to the Waldorf Astoria and straighten up my suite. Did you move from the YMCA? I just went there for a swim. Now run along. Okay, uh, boss, I'm havin' a little financial recession. Uh-huh. I see. I wonder if I could have an advance on my salary. Look, I already gave you an advance. I want somethin' in advance of that. No, all right. Here's $5. Uh, could you, uh... Could you elevate that to $8.50? $8.50? What for? I promised to buy my gal a sun lamp. We're leaving Tuesday, so be sure and be up at the hotel. And come in. Well, look who's here. Come on in, Fred. Me and two ass friends? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm certainly surprised to see so many of you in here tonight. It's, uh, not raining outside, is it? No, it's not raining, Fred. These people are all here to see me. And, uh, you're not giving away dishes or anything, Mr. Benny? No, sir, it's just me. Now, look, Jack, you couldn't draw a crowd as big as this if you were a gutter on New Year's Eve. Oh, I couldn't, eh? With running water, I'll throw that in. Listen, Fred, you're here to work, so take off your coat and let's go. Now, wait a minute, Jack. Before we start this punchin' Benny show, there's something we've got to straighten out right now. What's that, Fred? I'm not going to open my mouth on this program except to yawn until you give me what you promised me last week. What I promised you? No, now, don't play possum, Benny. Hand over that Boy Scout knife. Oh, yes, I knew you'd remember that. All right, here it is. Wait till I take the chain off. I want the knife chain and everything that goes with it. Oh, I suppose you even want this elks too. No, you can put that back in your mouth. Now, here's the knife, Fred. Take it and consider our deal closed. Now, wait a minute. You're not rushing me into this thing. Let me see if this knife's in good condition. There's the big blade. There's the corkscrew. The fingernail file. There's the ping-pong paddle. Hey, what's this thing here? That's a folding bed. Are you satisfied? Well, I guess it's all right. But, well, Jack, my mood changes here. I'm coming in the mood now. Have you been having a good time in New York? Have you seen any of the shows or anything? Yes, Fred. I saw the Edwin show. That was, well, I saw a George M. Cohen show. That was grand. And then I saw your picture. My mood changes here. There wasn't an S on that well, man. Well, what about it? Nothing, Fred. But if you got paid for that picture, and I think you did, you should have flipped 50-50 with Santa Claus. First time I ever saw a radio comedian who was his own studio audience. And, Jack, if you're... If you're a fine time I go on the first show, I didn't get on at all. Now, here's the second when I'm just creeping in at the finish. Listen, Jack, if you're referring to that screen triumph, Sally, Irene, and Alan, that picture is funnier than Don Wilson thinks you are. Is that so? Your jealous, that's all. Do you ever hear yourself enjoy you? Oh, jealous. What I made a picture last year called Artisan Models was a sensation. I got 85 belly lats. I'll say it did. You should have pulled in your stomach, too. My stomach had nothing to do with it. It was my performance. At least I photographed well. Oh, I suppose I didn't. Listen, Fred, I saw a sweepstake winner in a newsreel yesterday that looked better than you did. And he was selling fish at the time. Well, you put me in a picture with a face and I'll steal a picture, too. Artisan Models. What were you in that celluloid omelet? An artist or a model? I was an easel, Smarty. An easel? Yes. Well, how can a weasel play an easel? Now, listen, Fred. Shall I slice him down, Mr. Benny? Never mind, Rochester. Now, wait a minute. Who is this swami here? Swami? I'm Mr. Benny's butler. Two cateen jeeps. One more to word out of you and you'll be bottling in a shroud. Don't let him scare you, Rochester. I ain't scared. That's the stuff. Wait a minute. What is a shroud? A shroud, my untutored friend, is a windbreaker for a ghost. Oh, make way for a couch. Rochester, you see, Fred now probably have to get a new butler. Hello there, Fred. Well, Harry Fonzel, what are you doing in the enemy's camp? Well, I came here to help Jack out tonight. Oh, is he going to pay you? Certainly not. He's doing it as a favor. Of course, I will buy him a necktie or something. What do you mean, something? Something cheaper and shut up. I thought so. Benny, you're so tight. You not only got the first dolly you ever earned, you got the guy's right arm who handed it to you. Well, it was loose. Let me tell you something, Alan. Hey, pipe down, fellas. You're upsetting me. Are we bothering you, Abe? Why don't you just be debonair? Abe, if you say debonair once more, I'm going to ask you what it means. Well, how will you know if his answer's correct? Don't worry about me. I know plenty of big words. If I've got words I could cut in halves and you wouldn't understand either half of them. Now, look, you... Look, you... I, tiner and buffoon, the only big word you know is your right name. Well, if I did reduce it a little, my right name wasn't so long. It was, and while your name was so long, it used to take 15 minutes to write it in shorthand. Hmm. And then they had to send the pencil over to the mail, brothers, for relaxation. You should talk. When you were in vaudeville, they had to put your right name on a rubber marquee. Now, that's vulcanized slander, Benny. Why, you weather-beaten gargoyle, all there, Mr. B. I'll throw you out of here so fast you'll look like a jockey on a skyrocket. Now, that's enough, Benny. One more crack, and I'll hit you on top of your head so hard that your feet are bookends for your... for your head. I'm glad you loused that one up. I'm taking my Boy Scout knife and getting out of here. Oh, that's fine. Thanks for coming over, you town-all Buddha. You're welcome, you war-he can walk you. Nice enough to invite him up here, and what do I get? Hey, Jack. What is it, Abe? Here's your knife back. My knife? How'd you get it away from Allen? My flute player bumped into him. Oh, boy, that's marvelous. Thanks. And as watched to? Never mind playing. The crawling touch to a good meal is the dessert, the happy ending. Well, that's where jello comes in, the happy ending for any meal. For jello looks so festive and tastes so delicious it makes the ideal dessert for any occasion. And jello is quick and easy to prepare. Serve it perfectly plain, if you like, a clear, glowing mold of jello, or garnished with whipped cream, fruit, or nut meats. It's grand no matter how you serve it. But remember, only jello brings you that delicious, extra-rich fruit flavor. So don't accept any substitutes. Get the real thing. The one and only genuine jello. The last number of the 26th program in the New Jello series will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time broadcasting from Hollywood, California. I want to thank Harry Bonzel, Bob Ripley, Kate Smith, Abe Lyman, and Fred Allen for their cooperation. It was a grand gesture. And now, folks, come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. Just say, how did you get to New York anyhow? I flew in. I hope I land pretty soon. Oh, good night, doll. This is the National Broadcasting Company. You're listening to...