 More than a couple of kids talked about how they feel like they're very tightly controlled by their parents or they feel that they don't have any freedom or they feel like their parents don't listen to them and they feel that they're not heard and then there's on the flip side their parents saying my kid doesn't talk to me I don't know what's going on in his or her life and how do I how do I get my children to open up. So before there can be any kind of success in any relationship it's really important that there be trust and that there be vulnerability and there be open communication and as parents it's going to be crucial that we learn how to set ourselves up for success so that there can be trust and vulnerability and open communication and one of the things that I know I found very helpful in our family and some of my friends have been implementing for a number of years and I've seen success in their family as well is setting up a weekly family meeting where there's a set time in the week where the parents get together with the kids and they're not allowed any distractions people aren't bringing their phones and their laptops to their meeting they're not allowing the house phone to interrupt them or other you know social activities or friends it's a dedicated time that the kids have on their calendar and that they know that from this time to this time on this day I have to meet with my parents and my siblings and I can't opt out of it and different families had different ways of conducting these family meetings I know one of my friends their family members took turns leading the meeting and then in other families it was parent directed but every family should figure out for themselves what's going to work best for them but the point is over time to create an environment where kids know that they're going to have an opportunity to talk about what's going on in their lives and parents are going to have an opportunity to talk about any concerns they have or positive feedback that they want to give it's going to take time to build that trust and vulnerability it doesn't happen overnight but it's worth the investment if you do it week after week month after month year after year you'll be surprised at what people are willing to share over time I know of a father who met with his daughter for brunch since she was like five years old every Friday they would go out for brunch and when she was younger they didn't have anything super exciting to discuss maybe it was even boring for the dad but now that the daughter is older and she's college age she's talking to him about a lot of real life issues and getting his feedback on things that are important to her so when dr. us had just mentioned about how vulnerability and trust is there are also elements of a friendship that just reminded me of a really fascinating article I just read recently about what it is that really makes a friendship it's also a TED talk and it was really interesting they these experts broke it down and they said that a friendship is like a pyramid a triangle and there's three sides to it and you need all three sides in order to have a friendship and when I saw that pyramid I reflected and realized why some of my friendships have really thrived much a lot and why some friendships of flounder despite my best efforts and the same three sides can be brought to your relationship with your children as well so the three sides to the friendship the bottom they said the base of the relationship has to be positivity so it has to be a positive interaction where somebody feels that they're seen they feel that they're heard they feel that it's a positive interaction they feel that they're not constantly being criticized it's not constant downer not constant doom and gloom depression making each other feel better so that's so if you look at your friendships that are probably the most successful you realize that there's a lot of positivity involved in your interactions and then the other two sides of the triangle were so positivity is the base the other side is vulnerability so that you have to be willing to share of yourself and talk about things you've been through and that you've grown from and then also be willing to hear another person share their struggles and then the third side was consistency so that you are actually seeing each other on a regular basis or making an effort to get together communicate talk on the phone whatever it is so that's where the family meeting can come into play because especially as our kids are becoming teenagers and going into the college age what I've been surprised by the most is really how busy everybody's schedules are especially here in the West everyone's running in different directions we're always in the car and we have to actually schedule time to get together and make sure that we're checking in with one another and in our family meetings originally when we started having them it was easy to start out those family meetings with just checklists of things that need to be taken care of and chores that need to be done but that can take away from a little bit of the positivity right so it's also going to be important to validate one another in those meetings one point that speaking about influence on our kids that really resonated with me was something that she had a lot of them but he shared a few years ago he said that our children at all times they're being influenced in three different areas at all times it's either the school or it's the streets and by streets he meant their social environment so who their friends are the school the streets and the home and he said that parents need to be winning in two out of three of those areas so two out of three streets school home two of those the parents have to be the primary influence on their children and a book that I would like to recommend that inch because it's very easy for us to say oh you need to have open conversations you have to get your kids to trust you the question is how right how do we get there there's a wonderful book called why parents need hold on to your kids why parents need to matter more than peers hold on to your kids why parents need to matter more than peers and it's written by two psychiatrists one of them his last name is mate spelled like m-a-t-e like mate and I believe the other last name is newfeld and e-u-f-e-l-d that book changed our parenting philosophy and many people have told me that that book was a very big created a big paradigm shift for them in how they raise their kids so and he starts out with talking about being with his teenagers so inshallah there'll be some very practical tips in that book and how to establish that trust with your children and one of the things that we told our kids is that at all times in every relationship in every friendship one person is influencing the other so either you're influencing your friend or your friend is influencing you it's never neutral and so to help our children to really reflect on what role are they playing in their different relationships and what role are their friends playing on them and what direction are they taking them into so to get them to reflect for themselves as well rather than us always talking at them one of my friends told me about something that she does with her daughter that has worked really well for them so I think it's worth sharing with others she said that she keeps a diary by her bed and her daughter has access to that diary anytime she wants and when her daughter has something that she wants to talk to her mother about but she doesn't feel comfortable actually discussing it face to face she'll write it out in that diary to her mother whatever issue she's facing and the mom will read that diary entry from her daughter and then she'll respond in that diary to her daughter and so she said that that diary has gone back and forth between her and her daughter for a while and they don't actually ever speak in person about whatever the topic is that might be bothering her daughter sometimes kids need a little bit of distance to actually be able to come close to their parents to communicate with them and anonymity can sometimes help some parents say that they have certain communications with their kids just over email because the kids aren't comfortable speaking face to face about certain issues I know some of my most valuable conversations have happened in the car when my child is sitting next to me and we don't have to look at each other and we can just have these really deep conversations but it doesn't get uncomfortable where we're like in each other's faces you know having to look at each other's facial expressions so just a little tip I wanted to share what can I do in a situation where the teenager does not want to talk he just wants to be left alone that's very very normal I think every parent here of a teenager especially those of us who have sons know that experience of young men especially wanting to pull away wanting privacy not wanting to be nagged not wanting to be asked a hundred questions about what are you thinking what's going on so it's going it's more important to create a positive environment and make sure that they feel safe and that they feel comfortable and that they actually want to just hang around with you in comfortable silence and sometimes something may come out after a long time of just sitting around quietly but not feeling like they have to produce or they have to present something to you when when you guys are sitting together it's important that again like that triangle we talked about of friendship the positivity being the base it should be a positive experience and that sometimes can mean just sitting in comfortable silence you can't force anyone to talk you have to make sure that they feel safe and the way they feel safe is by knowing that you're you know having a high opinion of them the way doctor has mentioned not constantly grilling them trying to get stuff out of them not checking up on them and letting them know that you accept them the way they are and that you're here if they ever do want to talk it won't last forever at some point kids do share it may not be today or tomorrow but it does happen