 This is our decision making month and it's been a doozy. We started off with two amazing interviews, Dan Ariely and Eric Weinstein. How about that? Two people that we've been wanting to talk to for so long and because of this show, we get to have an opportunity to have a great conversation. Do you feel more decisive, Johnny? Absolutely. I feel more decisive. I actually fired up. We had some great tips in those first two interviews and then we dove deep into our toolbox episode giving you that great decision making advice for all of our indecisive listeners. Today we're gonna wrap with a Q&A episode and a deep dive into our mail bag which you can reach questions at theartofcharm.com or head on over to theartofcharm.com slash question to submit an audio question. Now we get a fair amount of questions from you on the topic of decision making so we're gonna dive into that. We're gonna talk about letting go of your ex and of course how to deal with comparison which I think we all struggle with in the social media age. Before we get started, I just wanna remind you all that these Q&A episodes are powered by your questions and we love answering them. So let me tell you how you can get them to us. Go to theartofcharm.com slash questions or you can email us at questions at theartofcharm.com. You can also go to any of our social media at the art of charm and leave questions there. We love reading them and we love answering them. All right, first question of the day. Jack wrote us with this question. I'm 35 years old and work as a manager at a great restaurant slash bar. I'm not really enjoying my job anymore and I don't think I could do this long term. The pay is good and at this point I basically make my own schedule. My friends tell me I have the perfect job but I'm not happy. How should I go about a career change? Johnny, I know this is a question that we often find a lot of our students at the boot camp are struggling with as well. Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm trying to figure out and this is all speculation about how Jack got into this line of work. And I'm wondering if it is a job that where he just kept getting promoted and kept getting offered some better pay and then a better schedule and he's chill but you know, I personally know when I got into my 30s, I started looking around and realized that I wasn't being stimulated mentally in the way that I wanted to be and so I had those thoughts as well, which led me in getting involved in self development in order to look inward to figure out what it was that I wanted to be doing. So, I mean, that's what I'm gonna guess but I can certainly understand it. I mean, at that time, he's already put in a decent amount of time at this job. And usually what comes with that is, well, if I make this change, then I give up my, what I've put into this. And that could be difficult for anybody. It's the same when people realize that their friend circle is holding them back and they need to bring in new friends but they don't wanna lose what they have but they don't know what's about to come in. Right, sunk cost. We get very tied to the effort, time and resources we put into something which often makes us less likely to make the decision to leave. Yeah, and you know, his friends are telling him that he has the perfect job. Sure, his friends are seeing him that he gets to hang out late nights. He's working in a very social job. He's not stressed out that he- He's making his own schedule. He's making his own schedule. So he's got plenty of time and he's got cash to burn because he's in the restaurant business. So he's coming home with some cash every night. And to them, I'm sure it does look like the dream job, right? They're doing probably nine to five jobs working their ass off, stressed out in the corporate, trying to climb the corporate ladder. And so looking at the grasses, of course, always greener on the other side. But if you're not being stimulated, if you're not working towards something that is larger than yourself, even though he has what appears to be the greatest job, it's, there's no real payoff. And at least he hasn't found one. He hasn't put it together. Now, should he look for a career change? Sure, if he wants to be doing something different, I'd like to ask him what it is that he'd like to be doing because that's a big piece of it. But the other side, he could also change the way he's looking at this job as well to see if there's any way that he can derive some value in it where he already is. I think he needs to make sure that that has been, he's looked at that first before he leaves because he does have the time in. And I would imagine because of where he is, he's managing it, that he's probably pretty good at it. If he's making his own schedule and no one's breathing down his back, that means that he has it running very well and that the owners are not gonna mess with it. They're not gonna mess with something that's not broke. Well, what do all the younger guys who come through program always wish they had more of? Experience. And a lot of us don't realize the value in said experience. And I think this is one of those situations where, listen, you're experienced managing a restaurant, managing a team of people, providing hospitality and great service to customers. That's highly valuable experience in other lines of work. So what I would recommend is really thinking about what are the parts of your current job that you love? That get you fired up? And then start looking for opportunities that also check that box that are outside of a bar or restaurant environment. There are certainly opportunities in hospitality services outside of restaurant and bars or he would be spending his mornings interacting with customers instead of evenings if he was managing a hotel or if he wanted to just remove himself from servicing others, right? Maybe he doesn't like hospitality. We live in the information age. This is a phenomenal time to scratch that entrepreneurial itch, whether you follow Gary Vee or even Ramit Satie and some of their programs around designing your dream job or scratching your entrepreneurial itch. Then we also look the opposite end. There's stuff like Seth Godin's alt MBA where you can learn online. So he has all this access to time, setting his own schedule. Well, you don't even have to get in your car and go to a campus anymore. You can plug in and do college level work at home to scratch some of these itches and see if maybe getting some more classic business management training online might be beneficial to see if, you know what, maybe starting my own company would be a lot more fun and interesting to me or it could just be a hobby that he develops out in his spare time. But I think we're in a very unique opportunity now where with access to information and the ability to start your own thing online with a very low barrier to entry, why not give those things a try with this free time and see if scratching a few of those itches might lead to the career changer after. Yeah, and you don't really have to really give up much. But even if he did walk away, he's not giving up that experience. That going on a resume, that going into a job interview, even in a more corporate environment is going to be invaluable. I know all the struggles that we've had over the last 12 years managing people. When someone comes to us with management experience, especially where their client or customer facing like a bar or a restaurant, that's a valuable skill set. Certainly when you're at 35, this is, so your body and brain and everything is basically wrapped up growing at 27. That begins the long, slow slog down the hill. And I don't like the sound of that. Yeah, so where he's at in his age, there's already some time of going down. And this is where you start to wonder like, is this it? Is this what, is this the rest of my life? Is this how it's going to be? And without that something that is greater than yourself to get fired for, when you're start to ask these questions, this is when the next days, they start bleeding into each other. And then all of a sudden after this, you start to feel as if you're missing out on life. And then this is where depression can grab a hold. And then if that is the case, your next move is not caring anymore. And what usually happens at that point is he'll, and this is all projection, but I've seen this a million times where at that point, you just start throwing wrenches into the machine that cause a little drama to stir things up, but it's all in a very unproductive, negative, unhealthy manner. And this is, at least he's listening to the show because he's putting some pieces together that are going to allow him to start looking around and look for productive ways to start getting excited and change and shake things up. What I will say is that gut instinct that you have, just because other people are saying this is the perfect job or projecting all of their own issues or likes or dislikes onto you in your current position, really stay and pay close attention to that intuition, that gut feeling that you have. I know when I listened to my gut instinct, it led to massive change in my life, but for the better. And I think when we remove the intuition part of it by just constantly seeking outside advice and only listening to what other people are saying about our path in life, where we need to be, what success is, we can lose ourself and it can become very jury, as you said. So going online, access to information, trying some new things and looking at the skillset you already have and if there's overlap in some other industries where you could bring that passion and that skillset and change your environment, change your scenery and maybe change the trajectory. One of the things that also speaks to me in this question is he's at the beginning of that period where he's questioning everything and it's a very scary place to be because you haven't, this is his first time venturing down this road and so all of a sudden you open up some of these doors, some of these questions and it's a can of worms. One leads to the next and leads to the next and then he's starting to, so it's like he has to find out what he's interested in. What other things excite him about life? He has to go inward to start asking himself questions of what it is that he wants to be doing, who he is, it's all about self-discovery and where it says how should I go about this career change? Like these doors, he's just cracking these open but as overwhelming and terrifying as all standing at these doors might be, it is a very wonderful experience if he's looking through them with positivity and excitement and to look to be productive and to contribute to the world around him. However, it could go the other way as well but since he's listening to his show, he's reached out, I think he's on the right path. He just, it's a very scary place to be at that age. We got a question here from Lisa whose situation is kind of similar to mine. I'm a med student and I've been doing some soul searching. I think I wanna go to school for computer science. The job opportunities are great for this career path and I like the challenge more than medicine but here's the thing, if I change my academic path I risk upsetting my parents. They've always wanted me to be a doctor and that's cool but I want something different. I feel like this question hits our inbox pretty regularly now that we've been sharing our stories more on the show around this decision and I think parental pressure that's being put on kids to overachieve and a lot of times fulfill the parent's own narrative more so than the kids can create a lot of dysfunction and ultimately depression and unhappiness and I know that as I was saying with the last question listening to your gut instinct and that intuition and I will be honest with you graduate school didn't afford me much time outside of the lab and outside of class to explore but every minute that I had I poured into the podcast and I poured into coaching and those spare minutes turned into hours and turned into days and weeks and all of a sudden I had some momentum going with the podcast enough to feel comfortable saying you know what I can't do this anymore and it sounds like she's at that cusp where she's now identified something that she's really interested in pursuing computer science and again like the last question these are fully accessible online you can take a coding bootcamp online and start working on your coding chops now that spare 20 minutes, 30 minutes you're spending listening to the podcast if you threw that towards a coding program online you might find that you take to that like a fish to water and this idea of walking into the unknown or those opening those doors that Johnny spoke of earlier becomes a lot more comfortable and easy to take that step. Now, family, guess what? We're stuck with them in good ways and bad ways they are going to love and support you no matter what we are not talking about criminal activity here we are not talking about something that leads parents to disown their own children they ultimately want your happiness and security now the problem is that for a lot of them they've bought into this narrative that the only way for our children to achieve happiness and security is an advanced degree and a reputable occupation like a doctor like a lawyer and what ends up happening with this narrative is we buy into it and we think that our own happiness and fulfillment will come from it and of course as you move through the system as you move to the upper rungs out of your education if you're not in love with it if you're not driven by it you're gonna struggle because in the meritocracy that we're in that passion, that zeal leads to more hours spent more work in the lab, in the clinic with patients than you may be willing to put into it. This narrative idea is I don't think people understand just how powerful narratives are, right? These are stories that stir you up emotionally that logically makes sense but it's a story in which you get emotionally engaged so it's hitting you in both senses and you hear it enough times then it becomes the narrative in which you are running on. The problem with this is we have to understand having Eric here we talked about this where you have all these news organizations that are all pumping out their narratives. Why is there so much? Why is there a war, an information war? Why is so much money being dumped into these narratives? Because if you're able to control the narrative you're able to control the masses and this person is in school. I think there's also this idea because she's heard this narrative so many times that if she just keeps going that she'll eventually like it, right? Like I'm supposed to like it, I'm supposed to be doing this because she's heard it from so many people including her parents who she's scared that it's going to be upset about this career change but these narratives need to be challenged because a lot of times they go against your own thoughts and feelings but you just heard them so many times that you start adopting them and then also some of these narratives they go against your own gut and intuitive knowledge on who you are. So you have to step away from these and just go this is a narrative. How much do I buy into this narrative? Because if you don't look at it objectively you're just going to take it over. This is called waking up and then deciding, okay, here's always different narratives which one am I gonna buy into? If she continues to go to med school it's only going to continue to get worse and the other thing is I remember the very first time that we had a client decide to make a career change and I don't know if you remember this but there was a young guy who was in IT and he had come through a program this was early on in our history and I had spoke to him about a month afterwards for his follow up and he goes, well I went home I quit my job, I sold all my belongings and I'm getting on a motorcycle and I'm going to travel the country until I find where I want to be. And I freaked out because there were- That's not a narrative that you buy into. Well it was just, I guess you could make an argument for that but I was also just worried that this person who had this career just up and left but the reality of it was that this person then did find exactly where he wanted to live and started the company that he actually wanted to be doing. And let's talk about that for a second because this narrative that your career is linear and it's a straight line to success is complete BS. You look at every successful person out there there is not a straight line into the top of the mountain. There are going to be mistakes, there are going to be choices, there are going to be new paths that open and appear that you're not even expecting. And let me add to that. Let's just say that lightning strikes and for whatever reason, whatever you started out on, let's just say you did a YouTube video and it went viral and now you're a YouTube star. Or that you wrote a song and you put it on SoundCloud and it just for whatever reason it blows up and you're automatically thrust in the success. That was a very linear line. I wanted to play music, I wrote a song and now I'm famous. If it comes and if you get success in that manner, the rest of your time dealing with that success is going to be murderous on you. Well, your insecurities don't disappear the second that happens. When we think about this narrative of like, oh, okay, he's giving up his career to hop on a motorcycle. He's not. No. Careers pause, careers go left, careers go right, careers sometimes take a dip and then explode with an upward trajectory. But it's not a straight line to the top. Unfortunately, from our perspective at the bottom of the mountain, that's all we can see is the straight line to get to the top. But if you ever hiked a mountain, it doesn't work that way. There are going to be paths that are straight, that are flat, that slope downward and you're like, but I'm trying to go up. That is exactly what your career journey is going to be. So ask yourself, can I see myself doing this for the rest of my life? If the answer is no, I can't, I hate it, then I want you to sit down with your parents and ask them, why is this narrative so important to you? Why is it so important that I become a doctor? And I guarantee you their answer is going to be, well, we want you to be successful. We want you to have financial security. We want you to have better than we had, right? That's every parent's dream. Absolutely. Well, then you understand the core motivation is not about medicine, then it's your job to explain how computer science offers you that same security and that opportunity. And you can sell your parents on this idea. And for me, it's taken a very long time and the salesmanship that I've had to go through this experience has taught me a lot that at the end of the day, my family cares more about my health and happiness as disappointed as they may be with certain life choices. We're not talking about criminal offenses. We're not talking about things that'll wipe away the rest of your career. We're talking about choosing a different path to get to the same success that your parents are after for you. Next up, we got Will. Will wrote us in with a very common question that we get at our boot camps. He says, hey, AJ and Johnny, my friends always give me a hard time. They say I analyze everything. I didn't always do this, but in my 20s, I've read a lot of self-development books and listened to a lot of podcasts, including yours. Now I worry that overanalyzing has gotten in the way. I'm starting to think I'm missing out on some opportunities because I often feel paralyzed by this overanalysis. How do I fix this? Sounds like indecision speaking. Yes, certainly. Well, you know, there's a, I have this saying that there's pluses and minuses to everything, right? There is pluses and minuses to being an overly analytical problem-solving type person. And we see these folks all the time who that sort of cognition allows them to rise in their line of work in very well. And when you're successful in that area, you wanna use those same tools in other areas because they do so well here. But sometimes those tools don't transition very well. Certainly stuff that is gonna allow you to excel in engineering is certainly not going to allow you to excel in socializing. Why? Because they're completely different fields. One is an art form, and the other is a matter of fact by the numbers situation. And we had an Instagram post recently, and I love this little meme. Bunch of dots, knowledge, right? All we're doing here is collecting knowledge. We're watching videos, listening to podcasts, reading books, we're collecting all of this knowledge. The problem with all of that knowledge is unless there's experience, you can't link those pathways together to actually utilize the knowledge that you've been accumulated. So no matter how much you are analyzing without experience, that knowledge and information that you've put into your system to analyze is not helpful, is not beneficial to your goals. So we have to first, and this is why we talk so much about core values here on the show. We talk about it with our boot camp students. We need to get a greater sense of what our purpose is, what we're interested in in life, what really drives and motivates us. And then we can start linking decisions to those values and those decisions start to become a lot easier. When we talk about over analysis, a lot of times over analysis is also coming from a place of fear, right? Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of failure. Fear of things that could be used against us. Well, this is why when we get letters asking about our career change or how do I get into whatever it might be. And one of our laugh inside jokes is, I read all the books. Cause we hear this all the time. I've read all the books on social dynamics. I've read- Everyone wants to talk about our favorite books and all the books that they've consumed as well. Yes. But they're still in the couch. But there's- For boot camp. Why is that, Johnny? Why with all this information are they still struggling to put it together? Because in order to gain experience, you have to make mistakes. And if you're making mistakes, it means you're outside of your comfort zone and you're in a place where you're learning competency and it's uncomfortable. And especially when it comes to socialization, there are social consequences at times for things not going well. But I think a lot of those are largely exaggerated as well. Also social consequences to inaction. Loneliness, depression, feeling disconnected, not being with the right person. Yep. What did Dan Ariely tell us earlier this month? He said to become more decisive, put a deadline, put a timeframe in mind so that it forces you to make a decision. There are no perfect answers or solutions. We may think we can analyze our way to the perfect solution, but they don't exist. They don't exist. And I wanna add another one to that. You need to make a list of everything that you are responsible for, everything that you can control when it comes to certain situations. And then look at all the things that you can't control. Any of the things that you cannot control, throw them away. You don't have to worry about those. Those are outside of your control. So if you are overanalyzing, seek experience. Say yes to every experience possible and put yourself on a timeline or a deadline. I know when I first floated the idea of a half marathon, just floated the idea in conversation with Johnny. He was like, yeah, that's a pretty cool idea you got there. Okay, yeah, I could see that. And then the second we put down our registration money and made it public that that was happening, the difference in the training, the difference in the game plan, the difference in making the decision and committing to it, night and day. Absolutely. When you put a deadline and a timeline to your choices, you find that you become more decisive and you lose this over analysis. This is, so in the past, and I still do it now when I'm playing in new bands, it's about booking the show. So you book the show a few months out because now there's a deadline and you have to get things together and you have to get serious and things will come together. Without that show, it's still like, well, you know, we'll get together next week. So for myself, deadlines have always helped kick things in gear. Yeah, the firmer, the deadline, the better too. Not all I'm gonna throw it on my calendar knowing that I could move it or snooze it. All right, Leah sent us this question. Hey guys, love the show. I'm in my mid-30s and I work in a male-dominated office. I've recently been passed over for a promotion twice and I'm beginning to dread going into the office as I'm starting to feel embarrassed. I thought my work would speak for itself but clearly that hasn't been enough. I know networking and selling yourself as a candidate is important. I've heard you guys talk about it on the show but I don't feel confident connecting with colleagues simply to make myself more attractive as an employee. So what do I do? We certainly have talked about this many times and once again, you have to separate the process of connecting with everybody to the expectations you put on yourself of you need to be the person in the office that everyone looks for and everyone's saying hello to and you're running the room and it lights up when you walk in, none of that needs to happen. How do we become more likeable as coworkers? Well, we become better listeners. Right in the question alone, I know networking and selling yourself as a candidate is important. Let's think about that for a second. Just those words, right? Networking, selling yourself. Immediately we're all like, oh, I don't wanna do that. I don't have to go into work every day and sell myself to other people. It sounds exhausting and it is. And it's not actually going to be beneficial to your goal which is the promotion. So the science says likeability matters more than hard skills. Now, that likeability, as Johnny said, doesn't have to mean that you are running in full blast energy and positivity and over the top and out of character. Likeability simply says you have a high emotional intelligence, you're a good listener, you anticipate people's needs within the office and you're a good team player, meaning you're supportive. So you can do all of those three things that I just listed without selling yourself or bragging about how amazing you are. Those are not requirements to get promoted. But unfortunately that is often the first place we think when we're like, oh, this is how I'm gonna get ahead. This is how I'm gonna position myself to win. When it comes down to is this person a great candidate to move up, we're looking and business owners and managers are looking for those traits, understanding that can you anticipate someone else's needs and desires in emotional states so that they can perform their task unencumbered? Absolutely that's important. Are you supportive of team members who may have made some screw ups or are you someone who castigates them and calls them out for their mistakes, right? If we're supportive and we're a team player and we're anticipating what our bosses need and what our teammates need, we're a much better candidate for that promotion. Now, of course networking, trying to make yourself more attractive in the office. I mean even reading that, I'd be like, I don't wanna go into this office, that sounds terrible, no. What I do wanna say that is important though is a lot of times we internalize and we have a perspective of course that we're getting all of these great results for the company and everyone must be able to see this. And unfortunately that's not always the case. What you have to do to position yourself as a stronger candidate is you have to talk about your successes with your superiors. You have to illustrate it for them. You don't have to rub it into your coworkers face. You don't have to talk to the people that you managed about how you're a great manager, how amazing you are. But you need regular cadence and check-ins with your managers and superiors around the results you're delivering for the company as well as showcasing those qualities that I outlined. When you have the likability plus results, a promotion is practically guaranteed. Absolutely. When you mention about these words, right? Networking, selling yourself, be more attractive. That's a lot of work. A lot of times it can just come down to a straight up visual positive attitude coming to work. Like if you're coming in and you just keep to yourself and you do your job and you contact. Not making eye contact, rarely smiling. Closed body language. The boss is gonna look to you and think, well, they do their job and they don't bother anybody. That's enough to keep your job and to keep you safe, but that is not going to have people want you to be around that is. Feel supported, exactly what I was saying. That outward expression of support is not just in words, it's in our actions too, the way we carry ourselves. Are we an active participant in the meetings? Are we supportive of what our coworkers are bringing to the table in terms of ideas and in terms of their struggles? And have we created a judgment free, criticism free environment? A lot of times when we are hyper critical, we may think we have the right answer that criticism hurts our likeability in the office. Also, it's even though for yourself, you might think yourself like, well, I don't bother anybody and I have a decent attitude and I don't cause any waves. That might be how you see it, but the rest of the office like they're a loner, they're weird, but they do their work. You're like, just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean that's what you're projecting. And this is why we do video work in our workshops so that you can see what you're projecting objectively for the first time. And it's a shock to a lot of people. And the sense of relief at the end of the boot camp when our students realize that becoming more likeable actually doesn't have to be that much more work. It actually can be a lot of fun to be a little bit more interested in my coworkers, to share a little bit with some great stories here and there. And you don't have to be this incredibly adventurous, most interesting person in the world to connect with your coworkers. But a lot of times when we're coming in with not the greatest body language, we don't have a little bit of energy. And on top of that, we're not really disclosing much about ourselves. Well, of course our coworkers are gonna feel unsupported. And of course our superiors, the managers who are in charge of making these decisions are gonna feel like, well, this person doesn't really wanna be here. And that's not someone that ends up getting promoted. Here's another question that we found in our mailbox. I'm divorced below the knee amputee and I can't get a date from Tinder, Bumble, or even out in public. I'm straightforward, but any girl that I do talk to, I feel like I'm getting strung along or I'm their backup plan. What can I do? We actually thought our coach, Michael, would have something to say about this. If you listened to our Q&A episode with him, episode 766, you'll recall that he's also living with a disability and he struggled with dating as well in the past. So we got him on the line to tackle this one. Yeah, hi, glad to be here. Here's the thing. I've certainly been in this gentleman's situation, well, not divorced, but been living with a disability all my life and I've certainly struggled with dating quite a lot in my past as well. But I wanna look at something that maybe goes a little bit deeper than that because what I see here is that he describes a situation in basically two sentences. And I think there is more to that. So in cognitive behavioral science, you talk about a concept that's called the conceptualized self. And this is basically the story that we tell ourselves about who we are. So in my case, if you ask me, Michael, who are you? Well, I could say I'm German. I have five siblings. I'm confident. I'm also good at connecting to people. I tend to procrastinate and I'm not really a good cook, stuff like that. And immediately you'll probably say, this is already overly simplified, right? Because you can't describe my life that's been going on for 40 years now in a few of those terms. So usually what we try to do with this overly simplified view is that we wanna take out the bad stuff and we wanna only keep the good stuff. So for me, you could say, well, there are certain things I can't change. I can't change the fact that I'm German. Can't change the fact that I have five siblings unless my parents do some other stuff and get a little bit more active there. But you could say that stuff like confident, procrastination, good connector, there's good stuff there and there's bad stuff there and it can be changed around. So the confidence stuff is, of course, really, really good. And the fact that I procrastinate sometimes is not really good. And here's the problem. Sometimes it's not like the moment you hold on to something like that rigidly. You have a problem because say, for example, I'm confident and that's, of course, really, really good. Well, not always because say someone invites me out to go to a cooking class or a TV show where I have to go into a cooking competition. Now, my idea that I'm really confident is going to be challenged by that. So I'm not going to do it because then my story might fall apart. Someone might ask me to go out dancing and I'm thinking to myself, well, I'm not really good at dancing. I'm not gonna do that because it challenges this idea that I'm confident. So here's where I'm getting with this. This gentleman described himself through his disability and the fact that he's divorced. And dude, there's so much more that comes with you and your personality. Like it's more than those two things and that needs to come out. Like that needs to show in both your outlook on life and it needs to show in your dating profile as well. Like there's so many things that are good about having a disability. I certainly been told quite a few times that I'm very strong and I'm always happy and how on earth do you do that? There's also probably good stuff that came with the divorce. So it's not always like just bad or just good. Just in general, holding anything with a label like that and holding anything as rigidly as that is going to be a problem. So actually, Abram Masloff, the guy with the permit of needs, he had this concept of what he called dichotomy transcendence and this is actually one of the most important elements of self-actualization. And it's the idea that you're not one thing and you're not the other. You can be both. You can have this attribute and this. You can have a disability and it's bad and you can have a disability and sometimes it's really good. You can be divorced and sometimes that's bad and sometimes that's really good. You can be confident and sometimes that's really good and sometimes that's a little bit bad. It's the idea that if you hold anything, if you put anything into stone, you have a problem. Okay, now I've been talking long enough, H.A. Johnny, I'm curious to hear what you two guys have to say about that. So talk to you guys soon. I love what Michael had to say there. So much good stuff. And the most important thing, we come back to this narrative idea and the narrative that the guy is telling himself about himself and to be able to change that. Look at all the positives and look at the things that are giving him strength and wisdom and those are the things you have to focus on. One of the things that we do in program is put together a new narrative. And the problem with that, telling yourself a new story about yourself is that it's usually weak at the beginning. However, you can put steps together to strengthen that story. We call it strengthening the frame. The frame is what is going to hold the story together. And the idea is that every day that you get up, you have an opportunity to do things that supports the narrative that you've drawn for yourself or it doesn't support the narrative that you've drawn for yourself. If you get up and you don't do things that support the narrative, then the frame in which the story is hold is weak. If you get up and you're doing things that supports the narrative, then you're strengthening that. This is why if you say that you're a healthy person, if you get up in the morning and smoke a few cigarettes and eat some cheese dogs, that frame will always be weak. Why? Because it's unsupported by evidence. If you wake up and you're hitting the gym and you are intermittent fasting and have cut out all the bads, the sugars and protein and greens, then you're actively strengthening this frame. And every day that you do these things, you strengthen it that much more. This is the journey that we're all talking about. And it's a very fun journey because every day that you act in supporting the narrative, it's better than the day before. And so every day that you act in that manner, it is that much better. It's the 1% better than the day before. And each day that you're adding to that, the frame becomes more and more strengthened. So this is how you change that belief about yourself. It's not going to flip a switch. It has to be created. It's the process. What I also wanna say is this idea, I'm straightforward. I wanna unpack that a little bit as well. Because sometimes being so direct with no backstory or anything is just putting a lot of pressure on the other person around deal with this. We actually had a coach way back in the day who was in a serious accident, motorcycle accident. And he had broken his leg a number of times and was basically on crutches for an extended period of time. And what was so interesting about his interactions for all of our clients was to see him interacting with women in particular because they felt, wow, if he has the confidence to do it, I could do it. And what was remarkable was the way he crafted his narrative around the accident, right? There's the accident that it was a motorcycle was involved and of course there's a tragedy associated with that. But then there's the flip side of how can I turn this into an over-the-top compelling, ridiculous story that's gonna make people laugh, take it less seriously, push away that pressure or judgment that they may be feeling because when we're being straightforward, we're putting all of this on the table at the very start of getting to know someone. That's pretty heavy, that's asking a lot. But he had a fantastic story, I can't remember it at the moment, but it involved drop kicking alligators and X, Y, and Z and all of a sudden it became a laughter for everyone and it took the pressure off. Yes, he had crutches and he couldn't dance as well as the other people on the program and our other coaches but he had fun with it and made it his story and it actually attracted more people to him. And that was what was so remarkable to me of having a sense of humor around it, removing the pressure, that putting that straightforward, hey, I'm an amputee in the message, in the photos, in that moment where they're like, hey, I just, I wanna get to know a little bit more about you than this disability. And people tend to fear what they don't know and don't understand. That is human nature and that is normal. If you take that into account, then you can work around that. Having a sense of humor about the situation is what allows people to relax so that they can begin to learn about you and get more comfortable. Now, I'm not saying self-deprecating, right? I said it was drop kicking alligators, right? That is not self-deprecating. So we're not asking you to craft a weak narrative, as John has said. We're asking you to craft a strong narrative that's a little fun and engaging for the audience, which would be people on Tinder, Bumble, and people you're meeting in real life. All right, this is a lighter question here, Johnny. Hey, Jay and Johnny, I wanted to ask about sentimental boxes from past exes and what it means to keep these boxes and what it means to get rid of them, thanks. Well, as we know, Johnny loves holding onto things, especially gifts, tokens, mementos. So you must have ample boxes in your apartment of all of your exes' stuff, right? No, you know, I was laughing about this because I just, I guess I just, I tend to be a minimalist, not for any particular reason other than it's just easy. Like I just get rid of it. I'm not a very sentimental person. And so it was just like, why would you want these things lying around? But however, if I take, if I think about the, somebody who is sentimental, then it would be nice to see these things and remember the past and the good times. You know, I also, you know, if it wasn't for Facebook, I wouldn't have any pictures of my, you know, like, but in the past, you'd have all these polaroids and envelopes and folders lying around the house. Yeah, you'd trust Zuckerberg with all of your mementos. Yeah, he, listen, if he wants to use my face to hawk anything, he's more than welcome to. He already is. For me, I've had some boxes that exes gave me of stuff and they've accumulated. And I actually went through a massive move back in Michigan when my dad passed. And I encountered some of those boxes. And yes, there are some sentimental memories associated with them. And I held on to a couple. Now, I draw the line. I'm not creating a shrine. I'm not living in the past. I'm not stroking ex's hair before I go to bed at night. It's in a box. It's on a shelf. It's something much like a yearbook you'll look back on. Maybe you'll share it with your children of, oh, this was interesting. But at the end of the day, I like to put more of my emphasis and focus on the future. So I do find that accumulating too much of that can weigh you down. And I want to focus on all the great things that are gonna be happening in my future less so than holding on to all of the great things that happened in my past. Here's the question that we got through Instagram. You can do that at The Art of Charm. This is our last question for today. Can you ever truly stop comparing yourself to others? Or is it human nature to be managed? I love this question because I had thought about this a while ago because I was doing some research and it was just astonished by how susceptible we are to influence from all stimulus around us. And when you begin to understand just how susceptible you are and how much that you buy into without even thinking about it, well then of course you're gonna be comparing and contrasting constantly. And certainly we're already seeing rapid amounts of depression and antidepressant drugs being divvied out because of this new age we're in with technology where social media is just that. It's comparing and contrasting. Hyper. Hyper. It's more than we've ever experienced in humankind history. Now, I personally like to be in control as much as humanly possible in how I feel. And I had to start unfollowing people who would give me just an emotional reaction that I did not like. And if I had that emotional action like three times in a week, unfollow. I have my feeds. So yeah, you must have like Puppers photos. Yeah, that's it. Just Puppers and I compare my contrasts because he gets better food than I do half the time. Yeah, I can see that as being frustrating. But it was important to me. And then I also realized how much that feed affected my mood and where I was and how I went on about the rest of my day and to have a few hours being ruined because somebody's post pissed you off. Like, this is ridiculous. So you're not going to stop yourself from comparing and contrasting. You have to be in control and curate your own stimulus and what you wanna be surrounded in at all times. And for myself, I do the best job that I can with that. So including my social circle, my social media and everything else that I consume. All those alt-right YouTube videos you're watching and the last we learned about this one. Well, I like to have my mind blown with insane stuff. That's part of the growing process. But for the answer of this question is you have to be in control of what you wanna be comparing and contrasting yourself to. I think comparing and contrasting gets a bad rap. Yeah. And we had a person in our life who was constantly comparing and contrasting and his reaction to comparison was always anger, frustration, beat us up. Not enough followers, not enough listeners, not enough X, Y, and Z. And what was interesting was my perspective was always the opposite of like, wow, that's possible. When you look at someone who's achieved something that you want, for me, that lights a fire under me, that's possible, I can get there, I can do that. But see, that is the- Perspective shift. And it's a perspective shift and to where that is now a positive thing, something that inspires you. As I said, you're always gonna be influenced. So you get to curate what you wanna be influenced and how you wanna be influenced and that's what's important. Right. Now, that doesn't always happen. There's going to be positive times. I would love to say it would 100% of the time I look at someone when comparing and contrasting and I'm like, look at all that possibility. That's amazing. So I've done the same as Johnny. I've tried to limit my exposure to that so that I'm not inundated with that constant state of comparison and contrasting with those around me and also limiting the amount of time I'm spending myself trying to measure up to other people. Because it works both ways. When we are seeking external validation, we are also the ones consuming more of the social media and the comparing and contrasting. So we wanna look both directions, not just at comparing to others, but what are the behaviors that we are engaging in ourselves to be measured by others and are we doing it for the right reasons? So I would like to work at both sides of that equation, but at the end of the day, this is human nature. It's not going away. It's part of our survival instinct. I think you have to be able to call yourself out as well. If you see yourself getting caught up in some of these patterns that are negative or unproductive to realize that and then either rewrite it or limit it or get rid of it. Absolutely, get rid of it. Limit it, get rid of it, contain it. But when possible, look for ways that you can change that perspective to the abundant side of it. Of that is possible for me too. And I can get there just like this person. I'm comparing myself too. Think about how some of this stimulus has you feeling in a negative manner. Imagine curating that to where it's inspiring and positive. If you're listening to the show, it seems that you've already begun doing that. Thank you for curating us into your ears. And that's it for today. Thank you to everyone who sent in questions. Johnny and I love doing these Q&A episodes because they allow us to directly support you through your challenges. Before we let you head out into your day, here's our challenge to you this week. The intent of this exercise is to loosen up that grip on your own story and make it less rigid and more flexible, like we learned from our coach, Michael. Start by taking a piece of paper and a pen. Don't use your phone or computer because they are just there to distract you, maybe even compare yourself to others. Then we want you to start writing down everything that you are. Write down the roles you have in your life. What are you good at? What do you struggle with? What do you like? What do you dislike? And anything else that comes to mind. And yes, that can turn into a long list, but that's the point. Usually our story is about two or three things that we find most salient. The problem and why we want you to do this exercise is for you to expand that view to include all the facets of your life and not just your past, but also your present. Let us know how it went for you. We're always excited to hear from y'all. You can send your thoughts by going to thearticharm.com slash questions or you can email us questions at The Art of Charm. Find us on social media at The Art of Charm. Also, could you do us in the entire Art of Charm team a big favor? Could you go on over to iTunes and rate this podcast? Hey, and if you also have time, leave us a review. It would really mean the world to all of us. The Art of Charm podcast was produced by Chris Holland and Michael Harold and engineered by Danny Lubber and Bradley Dunham at Cast Media Studios in sunny Hollywood. Till next week, I'm Johnny. I'm AJ, have a good one.