 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Bill Harris. Since the time RCA Victor first began serving the American public, it has become recognized as world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. RCA Victor first brought you the Superhetrodine sets, radio as we know it today. RCA Victor developed a 45 RPM system of recorded music, and RCA Victor was first with mass produced television for American families. The knowledge and technical know-how gained through such pioneering is your assurance of RCA Victor's quality. When you select any product bearing the name RCA Victor, you get the finest instrument your money can buy at prices that fit neatly into your buying budget. Let's take television, for example. RCA Victor and only RCA Victor brings you supersets with picture power. These RCA Victor supersets give you clearest reception possible even in fringe areas. There's virtually no interference. See this new RCA Victor television with picture power in big 17-inch television models. You get a choice of beautiful cabinet styles. Yes, on every count, RCA Victor is the finest name in television, the one the only name to remember when you buy your television set. So keep this in mind when you choose television, radios, phonographs, or records. Look for the name RCA Victor, the cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. Last night, the Harris's had a costume party at their home. The guests came dressed as their favorite historical or fictional characters. Everyone had a good time, especially Frankie. The party broke up quite late and Phil asked Frankie to spend the night. As we look in, we find Phil and Alice at breakfast. Phil, why did you ask Frankie to stay all night? Well, honey, the party broke up late and Remly was too tired to drive. I say, tired? Well, he acted disgracefully last night and he looked ridiculous in that costume. The plumed hat, knee breeches, and a sword. What was he supposed to represent? His favorite historical character, Lord Calvert. Well, you just don't read. He was, he was the hero of that famous book by Alexander Dumas. The one about the winos. About what winos? The three muscatels. Well, I certainly was ashamed of Frankie. He ate like a pig. I doubt if he'll be able to move for a week. Oh, wait a minute. Don't you worry about Remly. I guarantee that when he comes down to breakfast, he'll be fresh as a daisy. Why, he never overdoes anything. Here he is now. Good morning, Frankie. Curly, worry you'd keep your stomach pumped. Ooh, those pains. Wait a minute. I'll never eat another drop of food again. Frankie, it served you right for overdoing it last night. I never saw anybody stuff themselves the way you did. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Never mind the lecture. What do you got for breakfast? I'm starved. Frankie, you're not going to sit at the table looking like that. What's the matter with the way I look? You're wetting an old-torn bathrobe of pills. Your hair isn't combed. You need a shave and your eyes look like two eggs with the yolk broken. That's a fine thing. I'm a guest in her house and she insults me. Every time I eat here, I get insulted. I can eat in restaurants, you know. I don't have to come here. Then why do you keep coming? I'm a moocher. Now, if you want me to change, I'll do it. But it seems silly to get cleaned up before a meal. What's silly about it? I'm a sloppy eater. I'll only get dirty again. Now, will you go upstairs and change? Alice is right. You look horrible and you're not going to sit... And look, while you're up, see you's at the door. Yeah, all right. Yes? I've broken the groceries and... What's the matter with you? Tell me about it. I'm not Mr. Harris, I'm Mr. Remling. All right, beat it. I'll take the groceries then. Get your clammy mitts off of them linked sausages. I ain't leaving no groceries until I get the money. Oh, that. Just charge it to my account. Stupid remark. You ain't gotten off dollars and sixty cents. All right, if you want to be petty about it, I'll pay you now. How do you want it? You can have either an IOU or a promissory note of my personal check. Now, there's a nice assortment of absolutely nothing. I want it in cash. I don't have the cash. But would you accept the traveler's check? Yeah, yeah, traveler's check's all right. Let's have it. There you are. Thanks. Wait a minute. What kind of traveler's check is this? What's the matter with it? It's on the Moscow Express Company. This thing ain't no good. Of course it's good. Look, signed by the president of the company. Ivan Iron Curtain. I think I have stuff here till somebody pays me cash. Hey Remling, who is that at the door? Oh, here comes another deadbeat. About time you brought them groceries, kid. Here, I'll take them. I'll leave them till I get paid. I'll pay you. With what? With money. M-U-N-Y. With what? It's a ten dollar bill. That's about time. A pokey can you get. A Confederate bill. It ain't no good. What am I going to do with it? Save it, son. The South will rise again. Hello Julius. What's the trouble? I've brought some groceries and I can't get paid for them. I'll pay you. At last, real money. Oh, I'm here Miss Faith. It's something I want to talk to you about. Something that's for your ears alone. Well, do you want us to leave, kid? No, you can stay, Mr. Harris. I just spelled things out and you won't know what I'm talking about. What's on your mind, Julius? Well, I want your advice, Miss Faith. You see, I have a G-I-R-L and I want to get M-A-R-R-I-E-D. You think I'm too young? No, I think you're old enough to change your skates for a bicycle. Julius, are you serious? Excitingly. I'm in love and I want to get married. Quit kidding. What would want to marry you? A girl. She's in love with me. She thinks I'm the handsomest man she's ever seen. What do you think I ought to do? Marry her before she finds her glasses and changes her mind. We don't need... Can't take her home and live with my folks. Then take her back to Mars and live with her folks. Phil, stop making fun of the boy. Now, Julius, you're awfully young to get married. How long have you known this girl? Almost a whole week. You've only known her a week and you want to get married? Oh, the impetuosity of you. Julius, my boy, marriage is a sacred trust and before plunging into it, a man must know all about the woman he's going to marry. What do you know about the girl? Has she got a sterling character? I don't know. Has she got a good family background? I never asked her. Has she got money? $2 million. Has she got a sister? Uh-huh. Julius, I'm beginning to see this now. Look, kid, would you be so anxious to marry this girl if she didn't have money? Suppose she lost all her dough. What are you trying to do? Louse up a beautiful romance? But kid, listen to me. You can't marry a girl just because she has money and have her support you the rest of your life. What would you do about your self-respect? I don't know. What did you do about yours? Julius, I honestly think you're too young to get married. Why? When you and Mr. Harris got married, you were both young. At least you were. Don't you remember your romance? Uh, she'll never forget it. Oh, no, I won't, dear. It was so romantic the way we met. How did you meet? Well, one summer, Daddy took me hunting in Canada and Phil was our Indian guide. Oh, heap big joke. Then we brought him back to civilization and taught him the ways of the white man. How did you tame this savage beast? With music, I sang this song to him. If she sings the Indian love call, I'll kill myself. In the cool, cool, cool of the evening Tell him I'll be there In the cool, cool, cool of the evening Better save a chair When the party's getting a-blown And singin' Phil's the air In the shank of the night When the do-ins are right, you can tell him I'll be there Sue wants a barbecue, Sam Wants to boil a ham-grace Boats for Boonya-based stew Jake wants a weenie-baked steak And a layer cake He'll get a tummy ache, too We'll rare the Ted or Tee-pee Let the town cry or cry And if it's RSVP This is what she'll reply In the cool, cool, cool of the evening Tell him I'll be there In the cool, cool, cool of the evening Better save a chair When the party's getting a-blown And singin' Phil's the air In the shank of the night When the do-ins are right, you can tell him I'll be there In the cool, cool, cool of the evening Tell him we'll be there Cool of the evening Slicker on my head When the party's getting a-blown And singin' Phil's the air If we ain't in the clique And there's something to drink You can tell him Well, don't watch it, please. We're stereo. They're creepin' up the side of your garage. Any attention, then, Julius? Come with me and we'll discuss your problem privately, huh? Okay, much faith. Tell me something. What are that young, beautiful girl like you ever see in that wrinkled old chair? There goes a nice kid. Oh, great boy. He has all the charm of an old handball glove. You know something, Remly? I'd give anything to get rid of that kid. He's been driving me crazy for years. You know, Curly, maybe this romance of his is a way to get rid of him. What do you mean? Well, if we can talk Julius into eloping with his girl, we can tip off the cops and have him picked up on a kidnapping charge. He'll get life for that. Yeah, that'll... No, no. No, Remly, I can't frame the kid and have him sent away for life. Why not? That ain't long enough. Now, look, Frankie, all we want to do is to get rid of the kid, right? Right. So if we can get him to elope, that ought to do it. How so? How so. Here's how so. The kids' parents are against it, huh? Yeah. So if they elope, they'll have to leave town and then Julius won't dare to come back. Yeah. All we have to do is talk him into it. For us, that's a cinch. Oh, beautiful thing. I appreciate your advice and I'll do just that. Hey, Julius, wait a minute, kid. Hey, come in here a minute. Hey, Julius, what did I always tell you to do? She told me to wait at least a year before I get married. A year? Julius, you can't do that, Doug. Of course not. Love is something you can't keep waiting. Besides, we got everything arranged. What do you got arranged? I've planned an elopement with Mr. Harris. What if you think you're meant for each other? Go ahead. Julius, I'm not going to elope with Mr. Remley. Then you better keep your eye on him because he wants to elope with you. Will you try to get this through your flat little head? Now, Mr. Remley and I have planned an elopement for you and your girlfriend, Boog and Velia. Her name is Wisteria. I knew it was something that needs spraying. Look, kid, you love this girl and you want to marry her, don't you? So why not elope with her? Gee, it sounds wonderful, but I'm in no position to run away. I got no money and I wouldn't know where to go. Well, now we're going to help you. We're going to paper all your transportation, make your honeymoon reservations, and I'm going to loan you my car to go to the station. That sounds like a good deal and I accept. But how am I going to get Wisteria out of our house without her father knowing? Just leave that to us. You call her and tell her to be ready at 10 o'clock. Okay. Now, just let us know where she lives and we'll meet you there at a quarter of 10. Wait. Well, it's a bad time. What took you so long? I was detained. Say goodbye to your parents as a sad occasion. Julius, you didn't tell your folks what you're going to do, did you? What do you think? I'm soft on the head or something? I just made up an excuse. Well, did you call your girl and tell her to be ready? Yeah, she's all set. Good, good. Let's get started. Not so fast. Transportation and honeymoon reservations? Oh, yeah, I stopped downtown, took care of everything. Here's your hotel reservation. What kind of reservations did you get me? The best. I got you the bridal suite at the Black Hole Auto Court in Calcutta, formerly known as the Untouchable Inn in the Pine. It's the swankiest hotel in India. And you can have your choice of either Hindu or Muslim plan. Sounds good, don't it? Oh, yeah. Cut to the snake pit. I got your first-class transportation. Two lowers on the Ishtambu Kamal Express. Now, wait a minute. Calm down. You ain't going to India. We've got you train reservations to Fertiliter Falls, Nebraska. Fort Weiser Falls. On the banks of the Vigoril. I don't need the stuff, but I had to get out of that somewhere. Anywhere we got him, so you'll get your girl in a lope with her. Here's a ladder. Just put it up to her window and drag her down. Oh, fellas, I'm afraid to climb up that ladder in the dark. Oh, Julius, there's nothing to it. When I loped with Alice, I climbed up the ladder three times. Why three times? Once for Alice and twice for her money. Grab that ladder and get started. Sorry, fellas, I ain't going. You gotta go. We... Look, Julius, if I go up and get the girl and bring her here, would you elope with her? Okay, that way I'll do it. Good. Show me which house is hers and what room she's in. It's that big green house with the white shutter. Her room is the third window on the second floor. Got it. I'll be right back with it. You'll be ready for a quick getaway. Gee, Mr. Harris, I'm kind of nervous about getting married. Now, just take it easy, kid. Just be calm and easy. Hey, maybe I could calm you down if I sang to you. Well, that might work, except for one thing. What's that? Your voice makes me nauseous. The noisiest or not, you're gonna hear it. Now, sit down and put your chin on that curb and listen. I was riding down the lonely road one day in Tennessee. The time was nearly midnight. It was dark as it could be. Dark as it could be. When all at once I heard the sound of music from afar, that good old mountain music on a fiddle and guitar. Fiddle and guitar. Who wee, it was the Tennessee ghost. Who wee, it was the Tennessee ghost. A fiddler and a pickin' like a thousand menomore. The strangest mountain music you ever heard before. Who wee, a mighty man was he. The ghost from the mountains way down in Tennessee. So I rode on down the valley. Suddenly I saw that giant hill. Billy, my soul was filled with awe. My soul was filled with awe. One foot was in the valley. One foot was on a hill. A roar came from the mountain. One foot was in the valley. One foot was on a hill. A roar came down like thunder. He was laughing fit to kill. Laughing fit to kill. Who wee, it was the Tennessee ghost. Who wee, it was the Tennessee ghost. A fiddler and a pickin' like a thousand menomore. The strangest mountain music you ever heard before. Who wee, a mighty man was he. The ghost of the mountains from down in Tennessee. That oaky spooky mountain, that old man mountain from down in Tennessee. Well, Julius, how'd you like that? You said, how'd you like it? I can't hear you. Pock it and screw it back in my head. Pock it and screw it back in my head. Pock it and screw it back in my head. You can do it, too. Hey, Julius, I wonder what's taken Remly so long. Well, maybe he's having trouble getting my girl. Yeah, it could be. Hey, look, maybe you better get in the car and start the motor. Okay. That way, you see, then, when Remly gets here, you can make a fast getaway. Julius, get ready to go! Hey, good boy, Frankie. Dump her in the front seat next to Julius. Right? She put up a battle. She didn't want to go with me. Well, at least you got her. Now throw her in fast. Right? That's it. Okay, Julius, get going. Happy honeymoon. Happy honeymoon. Happy honeymoon. What'd you come back for? So I made a little mistake. What difference does it make? What'd I make? Don't be a sucker. She probably makes a better bed. Now, get going. Never saw such a fuss budget. When can a grocery boy get Remly? Go back and get his girl. Should I carry the maid back? No, no. She'll tip the whole thing off. Just put her in the back of the car and get the girl. Roger. Julius. Okay, we'll throw her in. Be careful. Hey. Huh? Hey, Remly, ain't you a little limp? Yeah, she's unconscious. On the way down, she banged her head on the ladder. Well, if she's marrying Julius, she's better off that way. Dump her in. Right. Right. Take her away, Julius. Happy honeymoon. Happy honeymoon. Can you be so stupid? This dame's a hundred years old. You got it. Fellow. Nothing doing. Now, Remly, look. Throw the mother in the back of the car with a maid. Julius, I'll go get your girl. I knew it. Middle room on the second floor. Got it. I got her this time. Here she is. Get going. Not so. I got in the right room, didn't I? Yeah, but you got in the wrong house. I thought her knees felt a little bony. Hey, Pop, why did you let me carry all the way over here? Why didn't you stop me? Why should I? This is the first time I've been able to get away from my wife in years. Where are you going, Fallon? Will you shut up? Hey, don't worry, Julius. I'll be right back. I'm going back once more. Don't bother. We got caught in it. What's going on out there? What's that ladder doing up against my house? Holy smoke, it's Wisteria's father and he's got a shotgun. Shotgun? Oh, come on, Remly. Let's get that car quick. We better get out of here. Yeah. Come on. Crosses. What are you doing here? I told you to stay away from my house. And this time... Please, please, please. We haven't got time for that now. If you want to save your happy home, call the cops and have that cop picked up. Why? Phil Iphone took your meter long to cook for them. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. You can take advantage of a terrific bonus offer if you act now. With a purchase of any RCA Victor instrument that plays 45 records exclusively, you'll receive, at no additional cost, over $6 worth of record albums. For instance, if you select the Victrola 45 record changer attachment, you get a $19 value for as little as $12.95. But you must act now. Now's the time to buy RCA Victor's 45 system of recorded music. Then you can choose your bonus record albums from a selection of 25 hits. Among them popular albums, classical, western, hillbilly, and children's albums, featuring such great RCA Victor recording artists as Tony Martin, Artie Shaw, Hank Snow, and Arturo Tuscanyini. Yet these are just a few examples. There are many more. So take advantage of this unbelievable offer. You'll receive over $6 worth of record albums at no extra cost. If you buy a Victrola 45 record player now. Folks, this is Phil again. I'd like to talk to you for just a few moments about something that is very dear and close to all of us. And that is being very careful when we're driving. I don't have to tell you how many traffic accidents are happening daily. It's way up. It's close to a million. Don't you be the millionth casualty. In other words, it's very simple. When you're in the position to where you know yourself that you're not able to drive, it's easy to put a nickel in the phone box and call a cab. Don't take a chance. You can always pick the car up the next morning. Even if you wouldn't hurt yourself for somebody in the car, there's always trouble that you might hurt somebody that you love very dearly. Remember that we'll be on with you each week at this time directly following the big show. And thanks so much for being so wonderful. Alice, won't you say a word to our audience? Oh, I think you're all darlings. Where's this come from? This program is produced and directed by Paul Phillips. Remember whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a Victrola phonograph or record. Put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television.