 Now, Anacin, the tablet's thousands of physicians and dentists recommend for fast relief of pain of headache, neuritis, neuralgia, and heat. The lindament that's strong yet does not burn. Present Armist Brooks, starring Eve Arden. It's time once again for another comedy episode of Armist Brooks Transcribe. But first, every day you hear more and more about a remarkable way to relieve the pain of headaches, neuritis, and neuralgia. The name is Anacin, spelled A-N-A-C-I-N. Thousands of men and women first discovered these tablets when they were given an envelope containing Anacin by their own physicians or dentists. Perhaps you yourself at some time have learned about Anacin this way. If so, you know how incredibly fast and effective these tablets are. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anacin contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy to take tablet form. When headache, neuritis, or neuralgia pain strikes, you want relief. And you want it fast. So for your own sake, try Anacin, sold on this money-back guarantee. If the first few tablets don't give satisfaction, you may return the unused portion and your money will be refunded. Ask for Anacin tablets today at any drug counter. Anacin comes in handy boxes of 12 and 30 tablets and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. One of the truly fine friendships Armist Brooks has made in her years of teaching English at Madison High School is the one with her landlady Mrs. Davis. Their friendship is so close that there are times when each knows what the other is thinking without either saying a word. No, not even a word. All Mrs. Davis has to do is raise six fingers and I know just how many weeks I'm behind in my room rent. And all I have to do is make a circle with my thumb and forefinger and she knows how much chance she has of getting it. However, last Thursday morning when another week's rent was due, Mrs. Davis was at a meeting of her lady's aid club, preparatory to inaugurating their new clubhouse that evening. Taking her place at breakfast with me was one Walter Denton who usually managed to eat as if he were three Walter Dentons. And Thursday, he was doing his best to live up to his reputation. You enjoying your breakfast, Walter? Yeah, I have a whole finger. Just nod your head, boy. No words could possibly escape through that barrier. Pardon me, dear teacher, but you caught me with my jaws chucked full of Mrs. Davis's salubrious victuals. I know, the trick is to catch you when they aren't. Now, if you're through, we'd better be on our way to school. You're all right, but first I have something to show you. Really? What? Well, if you'll step to the window and pull up the blinds, I'm sure you'll get a big surprise. What are you going to do? Push me out? No, come on, Miss Brooks, it's standing right in front of the house. All right, let's see what it is. Feast your lovely orbs upon it, dear teacher, your newest means of transportation. Where? All I see out there is a broken-down moving van. Isn't she a beauty? I own it. Or rather, stretch snotgrass and I own it together. We traded our jalapes in for the moving van the day before yesterday. As soon as we saw it, we knew this would be the perfect business for the firm of Denton and Snotgrass, a firm that combines brain and brawn. Really? Who's the third partner? Oh, you're the brains. Yeah, and to prove it, I already have our first order from Mrs. Conway, a friend of my mother's. She wants this stuff delivered tomorrow morning. Out in Yonder Van is her entire one-room suite of furniture, complete with chandelier. Oh, good. My one ambition has always been to ride to school hanging from a chandelier. So far, you've had me hanging from everything else. No, I'm not kidding, Miss Brooks. This venture is the most important of my life. Unfortunately, I'm still faced with one or two problems, one of which I feel certain you can help me with. How, Walter? Oh, it's very simple. It concerns where I'm going to leave my moving van overnight tonight. I thought you would persuade Mrs. Davis to leave the van in our driveway. Would you, Miss Brooks? Well, I suppose... Oh, thank you, Miss Brooks. I knew you wouldn't let me down. Well, now that that's all settled, I guess we'd better be on our way to school unless you want to pick up something before we go. Only the rest of my last sentence. However, I suppose you could leave the van in our driveway overnight, since Mrs. Davis won't be using her car till it's repaired. Now, we'd really better get going, Walter. Unfortunately, I have to see Mr. Conklin first thing this morning. Oh, well, that is a coincidence, since Mr. Conklin happens to be the second problem you can help me with. I'm sorry. One truck is all our driveway can handle at a time. That is, you'll have to handle Mr. Conklin yourself. Oh, it won't be difficult, Miss Brooks. It's just that I have to drive this van past his office window to put it on the school parking lot. And if he happens to see it, he's labelled to erupt like old faithful. Our boy is at least twice as juicy. I fail to see how I'll... Well, all you have to do is keep him from looking out of the window for a few minutes, Miss Brooks. I guess I could do that. Of course you could. Just keep him looking at you. That's an idea, Walter. If he can spoil my morning, I can spoil his. Mr. Ladies, you speak when we inaugurate our new clubhouse tonight. Can't you possibly make it? Martha, there's nothing I'd rather do, nothing in the world. But can I help it if I have to be out of town tonight on business for Mr. Stone? I suppose not. Oh, and certainly came up awfully suddenly. Well, you told me about the meeting awfully suddenly. That is, I would have let you know sooner, but I didn't think it was necessary until you told me about the meeting. Well, it certainly seems strange to me. You had to go out of town for Mr. Stone. The last time my ladies' aid group asked you to speak, too. The man has a simply uncanny knack of picking just the wrong knives. Osgood, it isn't the fifty dollars you were asked to contribute after we inaugurated our last clubhouse, is it? Magnolia Blossom. How could you even think such a thing? If for a moment I thought it was the fifty dollars... Whoopsy girl! How could you doubt your Osgood? There's nothing worthier than the work done by your ladies' aid group. Why, that night, three years ago after I spoke, it was an honor and a privilege to be hooked for... to contribute. Now, just... just a moment, Martha, there's someone at the door. Come in. Oh, good morning, sir. I have the reports. Oh, it's you, Miss Brooks. Excuse me. My wife's hanging on the phone. Well, quick, cut her down. Oh, you're speaking to her. Go right ahead, sir. I'll wait. Hello, angel eyes. Now, just put all those horrid doubts out of your mind. When your Osgood says he has to go out of town on business for Mr. Stone, your Osgood means exactly that. I'll see you before I go. Goodbye, pet. Miss Brooks, can you imagine my wife not wanting to believe I have to be away from home overnight? Seems incredible to me. Then you really have to go away on business, your Osgood? I mean, Mr. Conklin? Well, of course I have. Do you think because my wife's ladies' aid group wants me to speak and perhaps contribute $50 tonight that I'd resort to the twin shames of deceit and subterfuge? Which hotel are you staying in, in town, sir? Oh, I wouldn't dare stay at a hotel. It's much too risky. Well, if you must know, I simply can't afford the $50, Miss Brooks. Now that my secret is out, perhaps you can help me find a place to sleep tonight. Oh, I'd like to, sir, but our driveway's already spoken for. That is, most of the people we know are members of your wife's group. I know, and if she ever finds out about this... I... Quick, quick, brief, what was that? What was what? Those sounds outside my window. That was either a truck backfiring or those were shots. I knew someone would catch up with Miss Enright sooner or later. Isn't it awfully bright in here, sir? I don't know when. I've seen such a glare from the sun. I'd better pull down your shades. From the sun? What are you talking about? How could there be any sun in here this time of morning? My windows face west. Well, the days are getting shorter this time of year. Anyway, there's no use waiting till the last second. I'll just pull the blinds and... That's the truck backfiring. Well, I'll soon see what it's doing outside my window. But, Mr. Conklin, I'm certain it is... Holy cow, it's a moving van! And Walter Denden's driving it to our parking lot. What's that idiot Denden doing with a moving van? Maybe his books are heavier than the other kids. Miss Brooks, you didn't want me to see that van past my window, did you? Now, suppose you tell me what this is all about. Well, since you've already seen it, sir, I suppose there's no harm in telling you that Walter and Stretch Snodgrass have gone into the moving business together. They've gone into the moving business? Yes, sir. They've already got their first order from a Mrs. Conway. Her entire one-room suite is in that van. They're delivering it tomorrow, and they just need a place to put their van till they collect the money for it. Tonight, I'm letting them leave it in our driveway, and I thought... Oh, so you're a collaborator in this scheme. A scheme which is against all the rules of this school. Using school property to conduct a full-time business is the severest offence I can conceive of. An offence demanding instant expulsion from they've got a one-room suite in that van. Oh, I tell them they can re-enroll now. Miss Brooks, is that a complete one-room suite? Yes, sir. Complete with chairs, bed, and built-in principal. Not everything, sir. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I think it might be just what I'm looking for, Miss Brooks. Yes, just what I need. A perfect place to spend the night. Now, no one must know about this, Miss Brooks. Oh, no, sir. Neither students nor faculty. This is a secret which you must carry with you to your grave. Understand? Yes, sir. If I don't, that may happen a lot sooner than I expect. Miss Brooks, wait up a minute. Oh, hello, Mr. Boyden. How's everything? Well, Miss Brooks, I'm faced with a problem. Now, I don't want you to think I'm crying on your shoulder. Just put your head there and let me worry. I won't, Mr. Boyden. What's your problem? Well, uh, well, it's the same old thing. That is, it's something old and yet something new. Make that something borrowed and something blue, and I might get interested. I still don't understand. Well, I'm slightly in arrears in my room, rent to Mrs. Miller. But we're all slightly in arrears in our rent, Mr. Boyden. How much are you behind? Accounting this week? Yes. Three months. I'll give you Mrs. Davis in six weeks. Say, you are in trouble, aren't you? Up to my neck. Mrs. Miller is so angry, she threatened to hand me my eviction notice if I didn't have some of the rent by tonight. She's stopping by before her lady's aid meeting at eight and again when it's over. Well, what are you going to do? Well, the only thing I can do is find some other place to stay overnight. I know by tomorrow she'll calm down and reconsider. However, I did think of one possibility. A place you could help me with where no one would think of finding me. Where I'm reasonably certain. Don't laugh when I say this. But Walter's moving van would be perfect for my purposes. That's not a moving van. That's a hotel. So I'd like to help. Well, Walter told me it'll be in your driveway overnight, and if you let me stay there, I'll be in your debt as long as I live. Well, all right, Mr. Boyden. But there's something I'd better warn you about in case you wake up in the middle of the night. What's that? If you happen to find two feet in your face, don't be alarmed. They're not yours. Friends, when agonizing pain of rheumatism, muscle strain, or backache makes you miserable, and every move is a torment, that's the time to reach for heat, H-E-E-T. Heat, the liniment that's strong yet does not burn. The moment you apply it, you can feel heat soothing warmth working to relieve your painful miseries. That's because heat penetrates deep, brings immediate relief to sore, aching muscles. Wherever you ache, just brush on heat. Heat penetrates deep, keeps working for hours to bring wonderful soothing comfort to the painful aching area. Your pain seems to disappear. Heat isn't oily, sticky, or messy. You just brush on heat with a handy applicator that comes with each bottle, and it dries in seconds. So remember, when pain of rheumatism, muscle strain, or backache makes you miserable, heat's penetrating warmth gives you fast, long-lasting relief. Get heat, H-E-E-T. Heat, the liniment that penetrates deep to bring immediate relief. Well, when I agreed to let Walter leave his moving van in Mrs. Davis' driveway overnight, I had no idea I'd have to put a quiet do not disturb sign on its rear doors. But with Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boyden persuading me to let them use it as sleeping quarters for the night, I felt like a desk clerk without portfolio. I was quietly cursing the brains of the firm of Denton and Snodgrass on my way to the school cafeteria at noon, when I happened to run into the brawn. Hi, Ms. Brooks. Hello, Stretch. How's everything with Denton and Snodgrass in company? I think you made a mistake, Ms. Brooks. A mistake? Yeah. Well, there's my brother, Bone Snodgrass, and me, Stretch Snodgrass. But there ain't no one named Denton Snodgrass. I'm talking about Walter Denton. Well, there ain't no one named Walter Denton Snodgrass, neither. There isn't anyone named Walter Denton Snodgrass, either. Then what are you asking me about him for? Hey, maybe you mean just plain Walter Denton. There ain't no one by that name, neither. Well, I'm going to meet Walter after lunch and, boy, have I got some good news for him. You have? Yeah. Now, Walter thinks he's so smart just because he got an order from Mrs. Conway. Wait a minute. Here's about the order I got. Mrs. Davis gave me an order to move all the furniture from our old clubhouse to her new one tonight. She can't do this, Stretch. Not with Mr. Boynton and Mr. Conklin. Excuse me, Stretch. I've got to make a phone call and an awful hurry. Call the people to pick to give the moving job to. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Davis. This is Connie. Oh, Connie. Could you call me back a little later? I'm expecting phone calls from Maude Richards, Peggy Lowell, and Sally Norton about the clubhouse inaugural tonight. If I talk to you, I'm liable to get all confused. And no, you won't get confused. I want to talk about clubhouse business, too. Well, all right, if you say so. Is it Maude? Mrs. Davis, please. Look, I'm calling about the moving job you gave Walter and Stretch Snodgrass. You've got to cancel it. But why, dear, Walter and Stretch are such nice boys. They deserve to get a start in business. Of course they do. And I wouldn't ask this of you unless there was an excellent reason. I'll tell you what it is if you'll keep it a secret. Promise me you'll forget it as soon as I tell it to you. Oh, you can trust me, Sally. I can't think of anyone I could trust more. All right, Mrs. Davis, the reason I'm asking this favor is that Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boyden are going to be in the moving van tonight. Really, dear? Who gave the order to move them? They're sleeping in it, Mrs. Davis. Neither of them once had known where they are for one night. How exciting. They're hiding out. Well, trust me to dummy up, kid. I wouldn't squeal when two of the mob are keeping undercover from the bulls. Oh, fine. Our television set has been fixed again. And then you will call Stretch, Mrs. Davis. Of course I will. Can I depend on it just as soon as I hang up? I'll do it just as soon as you hang up, Peggy. All right, then. Bye, Hortense. Gosh, Walter, I don't understand what happened. This dame gives me the order and an hour later she calls back and cancels it. Well, don't let it bother you. I got another order myself a little while ago. The biggest order we've had so far. Hey, that's great. Who'd you get it from? For Mrs. Conklin. I phoned her a half hour ago and we're moving all the furniture from her old clubhouse to her new one tonight. How's that for using the old bean? Well, I really got to hand it to you, Walter. Wish I'd have thought of that idea. Armistrooks will return in a moment. Won't be long now, as the old timer said when the lawnmower ran over his beard. Won't be long before the end of summer hits us right between the eyes. For motorists, there are still a few dwindling, priceless weekends for outdoor living and travel. And there just could be the temptation to do a little last-minute speeding and highway gambling before the summer ends. Take a tip from CBS Radio and make the rest of those weekends as safe as you've made the earlier ones. But we'll qualify that. If you've been taking chances, don't stretch your luck out any farther. There's always next summer. The mileage you don't get to put in now will keep until then. This Labor Day weekend and in all the remaining warm weather weekends ahead, check your impulses as well as your car and finish out the summer in safety. You may be prone to take chances, but we're sure you don't want to kill anyone, particularly yourself. So easy does it. Be your own traffic cop, and you'll never get another ticket as long as you live. Or another dented fender, either, chances are. Well, Miss Brooks has arranged for Mr. Boynton and Mr. Conklin to hide out for the night in Walter Denton's moving van. But quite unwittingly, Walter has agreed to move some clubhouse furniture right back to the ladies they're hiding from. Early that evening, Miss Brooks and Mr. Boynton entered the moving van. Gosh, Miss Brooks, I don't understand the rush to get over here. It's only eight o'clock. I wanted you to get comfortable before Mr. Conklin arrived. But you said he wouldn't be here till nine o'clock. That gives us an extra hour in this moving van. I know. Four hours. Alone. In the crowded moving van. Just the two of us. You and me. Us. We? Let's sit down, shall we, Mr. Boynton? Say, I just noticed there seems to be a lot more furniture in here than earlier in the day. The furniture chairs and tables? That big couch? Probably the rest of Mrs. Conway's suite. Sit down, Mr. Boynton. Maybe so, but those pictures of Washington and Jefferson weren't here earlier either. Nor this huge American flag. No, they weren't. Sit down, Mr. Boynton. What would Mrs. Conway be doing with a huge flag in her room? Maybe she likes to salute before she goes to bed. Sit down, Mr. Boynton. This table has a gavel on it. What would a table and a gavel be doing in a bedroom? Maybe that's how she wakes her husband up in the morning. Stand up, Mr. Boynton. Aren't we going to sit down, Mr. Boynton? All right. I suppose there's more than enough room for two people on this big couch. That's what I say, so why don't we try this little chair? This couch is nice and comfortable. You know, Mrs. Brooks, this situation would really be rather humorous if it didn't have such serious overtones. Did you ever imagine we'd sit huddled together in a crowded moving van, just the two of us, with just a dim light bulb between us in complete darkness? You haven't got a BB gun on you, have you? Well, I suppose we might as well do something while we're waiting for Mr. Conway to arrive. Yes, we might as well. We might as well do that. We certainly might. What would be something for two people to do in the semi-darkness of a gloomy moving van? Two guesses, and I'm already puckered up. Oh, I've got it? Of course. Let's play Ghosts. Why play it? I already am one. Mr. Boynton, if playing Ghosts is the only thing you can think of... Good evening, Miss Brooks. The van is haunted. I mean, I wasn't expecting you so early, Mr. Conklin. Apparently not. Boynton, what are you doing here? Miss Brooks, does Boynton know about me? Yes, sir, but you don't know about he, him. And Mr. Conklin, this is your new Bunky. My new Bunky? Yes, sir. You see, since we're both in the same boat, trying to avoid a member of the ladies' aid club for one night, Miss Brooks and I figured you wouldn't mind if I slept here with you. Oh, I'm no trouble at all during the eight hours I'm asleep. And to prove it, just watch him the 16 hours he's awake. Well, I don't care what kind of a roommate you are, Boynton. The doors is open, so I just... Snotgrass! What are you doing here? I think you made a mistake, Mr. Conklin. There's my brother, Bone Snotgrass, and me, Stretch Snotgrass. But what are you doing here, Stretch? Well, I might as well ask you all the same questions. It's my moving fan. Yes, but it's our question. Well, Walter and me have got this furniture to deliver right away. So far this deals with nothing but a lot of anger-ovation. Anger-ovation? Well, you know, exasperation. Well, you mean irritation. Irritation. No, if you'll step inside, Miss Brooks, I'll pull up the ramp. Snotgrass, where are you taking us? All right, Walter, let her go. Stretch! What are you doing, Stretch? Miss Brooks, we're moving! Yes, sir, that's what frequently happens with the moving fan. Snotgrass, I insist that you tell us immediately where we are going. It'll only take a couple of minutes to deliver this furniture to your wife's ladies' aid club, Mr. Conklin. And we'll have the van right back in the driveway. Well, if it'll only take a couple of minutes to deliver it, I certainly won't be unreasonable about it, particularly since we'll all be using the van for the rest to deliver this furniture to my wife's ladies' aid club! Is that the furniture to Mrs. Conklin's ladies' aid club? I vote aye and make it unanimous. Snotgrass, have Denton stop this van immediately! Immediately, do you hear me? Denton, stop this truck at once! Stop, I say! It's like he's forgotten the password. He can't possibly hear you, sir. All this furniture's made the interior sound proof. But Miss Brooks, in another minute we'll be at the new clubhouse. What am I going to do? I've only got one more minute. Please, Miss Brooks, help me. All right, you start thinking of a speech while I look through your pockets for the $50. The other thing I can think of is for you to hide, sir. Oh, good, good. Very good, yes. Where will I hide? Oh, how about the big couch? You could stretch out under the soft cushions. Good idea, under the cushions. But are you certain no one will see me under them? Even if they did, it would look like nothing but more cushions. Miss Brooks, can I use the couch, too? Nothing doing. You had your chance before. Maybe you could get behind the couch. Now, hurry up, the van's stopping. Stretch, lower the ramp and then go up front and tell Walter to stay up there till I can get rid of Mrs. Conklin. Okay, Miss Brooks. See you later. What a pleasant surprise. Oh, hello, Mrs. Conklin. Are you here to help us launch our new clubhouse? Just hand me a champagne bottle and stand back. I felt since Walter and Stretch were driving over anyway, I'd come along and wish you good luck. Shall we go inside? I'm anxious to see the new clubhouse. Oh, it's a madhouse in there, my dear. A hundred women milling around and practically no furniture. Why don't we just sit on the couch in the van and talk? Sit on the van in the couch? Sit on the man in the couch? Talk on the couch to the van? We can't sit on the couch, Mrs. Conklin. Why not? Nothing happened to it on the way over, did it? That's it. Something happened. Something dreadful happened to the couch. Really? To its legs? That's it. It acquired two more. I mean, it lost two. Well, it looks perfectly all right to me. I'm sure whatever happened won't prevent us from sitting on it. Oh, no, really, Mrs. Conklin. Don't sit there. You'd better not... What was what? When I sat down just now, I heard an oof. Oh, that was I. When you sat down, I said you'd better get oof. Miss Brooke, there's not a thing wrong with this couch. It's sturdy as can be. Look, to prove it, I'll stand up and flop right down on it again. Oh, no! Now, just watch. See? Nothing happens when I fall down. You didn't hear that, Miss Brooke? Maybe the couch creaked. Many couches do that, you know. I heard a groan. Very few couches do that. Really, we'd better go in, Mrs. Conklin. Miss Brooke, there's someone under those cushions. Oh, no, there couldn't possibly be. Oh, Miss Brooke, there's a body under there. Well, don't be alarmed, dear. I doubt if it's still alive. Well, I'll just take off this cushion and... Hello, poopsie girl. That's good. That's good. Conklin, of all the low down, underhanded molesters... Twinkle toe! You were as good a chance to explain. Oh, don't even try, sir. Mrs. Conklin, there's only one explanation that covers all situations like this one. One explanation? Oh, what's that, Miss Brooke? Your husband was standing on a corner minding his own business, waiting for a moving van. Our Miss Brooke, powering new bars in Frank Crouch, is produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Arthur Allsberg with the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Conklin was playing the piano with the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Leonard Smith, and Gail Bonney. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooke.