 Hello, I am Dr. Tarek Sani, I am a CBT practitioner, I am based in MacBook and today I am going to take you through some parts of assertiveness training. I will right away share my screen and we will see what assertiveness is and how it helps you. We will first see what is assertiveness versus passive behavior versus aggressive behavior. Then we will see unhelpful thinking about assertive behavior. We will examine assertiveness techniques and we will see how we can say no in six different assertive ways. Yes, there are six ways of saying no and finally, world peace because if everybody was assertive then we would definitely have world peace and we will see why. So, what is assertiveness? Assertiveness is a quality of being self assured and confident without being aggressive. It is a communication style. Of course, this definition is worldly and it does not really tell you what it is. So, I have made a more graphical version of this. So, what this shows is assertiveness is somewhere between passive behavior and aggressive behavior. In assertive behavior, you respect both your own needs and needs of others. Whereas, a passive behavior violates your needs and you look after the needs of others. Aggressive behavior, you put forth only your needs aggressively, forcefully and you violate the needs of others. There are many myths about assertiveness. I would like to dispel the top three of them before we go any further. First myth, assertiveness is basically the same as being aggressive only polite. Definitely not. Assertiveness is a very different way of communication wherein you put forth your needs and listen to the needs of others. Yes, some people who may have had advantages from your being passive may blame you for being aggressive when you start being assertive. But, assertiveness is not the same thing as being aggressive. If I am assertive, I will automatically get what I want. You will be able to put forth your needs. Being assertive is not a guarantee of getting what you want, but it definitely improves your self-esteem because you will be able to feel better having stated what you want. And further, if I am assertive, I have to be assertive in every situation, not at all. It is you who decides where you want to be assertive if at all. Why lack for assertiveness is a problem. Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no? Have you ever felt that you have to speak up in a meeting but you could not? Have you ever felt awkward returning a defective item to the store? All these are problems of lack of assertiveness. But, let us see point why what we will use today. First and foremost, problem of lack of assertiveness is a low surface. Then, you experience dysfunctional emotions like being anxious, resentful, guilty, stressed. And also, it is shown that lack of assertiveness can lead to social phobia and there is a greater likelihood of substance abuse in people who are not assertive. But, how do we become unassertive? Unassertiveness is a learned behavior. See, babies are assertive. Then, through conditioning, we learn unassertive behavior. We adapt our behavior to the responses we receive from our family, peers, workmates and authoritative figures. A few questions to delve into how you have particularly, you in particular have become unassertivist, ask how did your family handle conflicts? What did they do when they disagree with somebody or were upset with other people? How did your parents teach you to deal with conflicts? What were their messages around conflicts and stating your needs? In what ways did you learn to get what you wanted without asking for it directly? Do you cry, yell, making threats, throwing tantrums? Was this the way? Do you still use these ways to get what you want today? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. But, these are the ways, these are the questions that you have to ask about how you became unassertive. But, don't blame yourself or your family for your current condition. Because, if you are an adult, you always have the power to change your current situation. You may be wondering that if I want to be assertive, what stops me from being assertive? There are some self-defeating beliefs. For example, it is uncaring and rude and selfish to assert. This can be a childhood condition. It will upset the person you are talking to and ruin relationships. It will be terribly embarrassing. So, these are the self-defeating beliefs that people hold about being assertive. It can also be a skill decision. They just don't know what to do or it can be driven by anxiety and stress. Lastly, it can be situational evaluation or cultural and generational influences. So, this is what stops us from being assertive. If you want to change assertiveness, we need to understand what assertive behavior is, what assertive behavior is and what aggressive behavior is. So, next, before going into change, if changing to assertiveness, we will see and understand what needs to change. So, in passive communication, you want it your way. What are the thinking styles and chaos in the case of passive communications? Thinking style can be, I don't count. My feeling needs and thoughts are less important than the others. People will think badly of me or not like me if I am assertive or everything. If I say no, then I may upset someone and I will be responsible for upsetting them. So, you feel responsible for other people's emotions. What are the payoffs? Passive people are often creates for being selfish, unselfish, that is selfless and a good sport. If you are passive, you are rarely blamed if things go wrong because you haven't usually shown in the initiative, thus you are not responsible. If you are passive, others will protect and look after you. You avoid or postpone conflicts or high conflicts. So, in short term, it can lead to reduction of anxiety. These are the payoffs of deep passive. But what are the costs of deep passive? Passiveness, you are sometimes prone to build up stress and anger that can explode in a really aggressive manner. Others often make unreasonable demand of you. You are always going to ask to do extra things, extra work, go out of the way. You can get stuck in relationships that aren't healthy and find it difficult to change. You try to mold yourself or restrict yourself into other people's image of a lovable and good person. When replacing anger and frustration, this diminishes other more positive feelings of happiness and fulfillment within you and ultimately it leads to loss of self-esteem. So, these are the thinking styles and payoffs along with costs of doing passive. What does aggressive communication look like? Aggressive communication violates the rights of others. The thinking style is something like I will get you before you get the chance of getting and out for number one. World is a battleground and I am going, I am out to death. What are the payoffs? You mostly get others to do your bidding. Things tend to go your way, at least in the short term. You are less vulnerable if you feel strong. You like the feeling of being in control and being aggressive can be a release of tension to feel powerful but it comes with a cost. Your behavior will create enemies and resentment in those around. This is the obvious cost of being aggressive. This can also lead to a sense of paranoia and fear. If you are always trying to control others, it can be very difficult for you to relax. Your relationships will tend to be based upon negative emotions and are likely to be unskilled. So, aggressive people have unstable relationships. Aggressive people tend to feel inferior deep down really and try to compensate that by putting others down. Aggressive people also have feelings of guilt and shame and ultimately being aggressive will result in decreasing of self-confidence and also low self-esteem. So, we need to behave assertively. What is assertiveness? By the way, did any of you give a name to this dog which has been giving all the emotions? Yes, no, right? Assertive communication is a way of communicating our feelings, thoughts and beliefs in an open, honest manner without violating the rights of others. What are the thinking styles and payoffs in case of assertive communication? The thinking style or I think is something like I won't allow you to take advantage of me and I won't attack you for being who you are. The payoffs, the more you stand up for yourself and act in a manner you respect the higher your self-esteem. Your chances of getting what you want out of life improve greatly. Expliciting yourself directly at the time means that resentment doesn't filter. If you are less driven by the needs of self-protection and less preoccupied with self-consciousness, then you can see, hear and love others more easily. But even assertiveness comes at a cost. It's a trade-off, all kinds of things. Friends and families who may have benefited from using passive is sabotage your new assertiveness. You are reshaping beliefs and values you have had since colonization's childhood and this can be frightening and anxiety of yourself. There is of course no guarantee of output. There is often some pain involved in being assertive and that you have to bear. So people who start out being assertive when they face this are at times willing to give up just to stay the same because they don't like conflict, especially people who are coming from being passive to being assertive. But they have to bear the discomfort and go ahead because it is advantages for them in and out. So even though we have become adults and moved on from the experiences of our growing up, we may not have updated our thinking and that is what continues as our unassertive thoughts. So what are these unassertive thoughts? I shouldn't say how I'm really feeling or thinking because I don't want to burden others with that. If I assert myself, I'll upset the other person and ruin our relationship. It will be terribly embarrassing if I say what I think. If someone says no to my request, it is because they don't like me or love me. I shouldn't have to say what I need to or how I feel. People close to me should already know and understand. It is uncaring, rude and selfish to say what you want. I have no right to change my mind. Neither has anyone else. This is one of the common unassertive thoughts that you feel that you're stuck with whatever you have committed to and other people should also always stick to what they have said. It will work out in the end and anyways it is not my fault. Being unassertive allows you to give yourself an excuse for not taking initiatives. People should keep their feelings to themselves. If I express that I'm feeling anxious, people will think I'm weak and ridicule me or take advantage of me. If I accept compliments from someone, it will mean that I'm big headed. Take a minute and see if you can identify any more unassertive beliefs that you have or if you identify any of the beliefs that I just mentioned, write them down. Later, you can deal with each one of them based on what you learn here in this portion. Next, now that we have understood what assertiveness involves in terms of thinking, I would like to introduce you to something what is called as our assertive rights. You have a right to judge your own behavior. These are our rights. Every person has these assertive rights. You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. You have a right to say no more. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuse for justifying your behavior. You have a right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems. Many unassertive people automatically assume that they also have to find a solution to other people's problems or be in a problem solving mode for other people or sacrifice themselves for other people. So no, you have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems. Continue, you have a right to change your mind. Of course, you have a right to disagree with somebody's opinions. You have a right to make mistakes and offer a responsible problem. You have a right to say, I don't know. You have a right to be illogical in making decisions. There is no way it is written that you always have to be logical. It is preferable that you be logical that it is not absolute must. You are human and you can be illogical in making decisions and that you have a right to be illogical. You have a right to say, I don't understand. And finally, you have a right to say, I don't care. Many people have a difficulty with last one, but yes, you do have a right to say, I don't care. Remember, an important part of these rights is that they come made with responsibility. If you say, I don't care, then there will be a responsibility associated with it, which we will have to find out. Thus, you can see that assertiveness is what I call as a J-facelift. Assertiveness is a skill which will help you increase your self-esteem, be clear and confident in everything you do. It is a skill that will help you decrease your anxiety and stress. In short, if you are assertive, you have a much better chance of unleashing your true potential. Now we will go into the portion when we see how assertiveness techniques can be used. But when you practice assertiveness techniques, there are few points that you need to solve. Begin practicing assertiveness techniques in a neutral situation like this. I mean one where your emotions are not too strong. It's like running a marathon. You don't run a marathon the very next day you start. It takes time. As you become more skilled, you can begin using them in a more difficult or emotional situation. The first time you try these techniques, they may not go the way you plan. It is important you don't beat yourself up on this. If things don't go as planned, but look at what went wrong and how you might do things differently the next day. And then have another go over time, you will find that it gets easier. Now I will start with the assertiveness techniques. The first assertiveness technique is known as the basic assertion. Clearly, express our needs once we use our feelings. Typically, in basic assertion, you use I state assertiveness. I need to be away by 5 o'clock. I feel pleased with the way the issue has been resolved. We have basic assertion. Also, you can use basic assertions for praise, giving information or when raising an issue. For example, I haven't thought about that before. I would like to think about your idea more. I thought your presentation was really good. This is also a basic assertion. The cost will be $2,000. So, in basic assertion, be specific, avoid padding it with words, keep it simple. I statement shows that you are taking responsibility for yourself. The next assertiveness technique is empathetic assertion. Other person involved in the assertion may not fit the other person. You want to indicate that you are aware and sensitive of their position. Because you say something like, I appreciate that you don't like the new procedure. And until it's changed, I would like to keep working on it as it is. Or something like, I know you are busy at the moment and I would like you to make a decision. I would like to make a decision. I recognize that it is difficult to be precise on costs at this point, but I still need a reference. So, this is an empathic assertion. So, empathic assertion, you are saying to the other person that you are aware of their problem, but you are still putting forth your needs. Empathic assertion is useful for preventing overreaction or an angry remark or acceleration. Also, you should at this point watch that you don't become passive aggressive in guise of empathetic assertion. So, take note of your tone, the words that you use during empathic assertion. The next technique is consequence assertion. This is the strongest form of assertion and should be used as last resort behavior. This is used when someone has not considered rights of others or was aggressive. Work situations like guidelines and procedures are not followed. So, this is where you use consequence assertion. How do you do that? You inform the person the consequences for them if they don't change. Can be seen as aggressive. So, be very careful of the nonverbal signals you use. So, you shouldn't be shouting or hovering over the person or banging in the table when you do a consequence assertion. Ram voice, even pitch and volume. Good eye contact. Keep body and face relaxed. For examples of consequence assertion are, if you continue to withhold the information, I am left with no option but to bring in the production direction. I would prefer not to. I am not prepared John to let any of my staff cooperate with yours on the project. Unless you give them access to the same facilities that your people have. If this occurs again, I am left with no alternative but to apply for formal disciplinary procedure. I would really prefer not to. So, these are examples of consequence assertion. Next is discrepancy assertion. This works by pointing out a discrepancy between what has been agreed upon and what has been is currently after. This is very useful for clarifying misunderstandings, contradictions or any behavior misplaced that you may have answered. An example may be, as I understand we agreed that project A was top priority. Now you are asking me to give more time to project B. I would like to clarify which is top priority. Another example is call. On one hand you are saying that you want to improve cooperation between our departments. But on the other hand, you make statements about us that make it difficult for us to cooperate. I agree that we can improve the situation. So, I would like to talk about that. So, these are the examples of discrepancy assertion. It works by pointing at the discrepancy between what has been agreed upon and what is how. Next, negative feeling assertion. Negative feeling assertion is used when you are experiencing negative feelings towards another person like anger, resentment, hurt and so on. In a controlled and calm way, you draw attention to the undesirable effects of another person's behavior is having on you. This allows you to deal with the feelings without making an uncontrolled outburst and alerts the other person to the effects of their action on you. It has four steps. First step in negative feeling assertion is describe others' behavior to describe impact of that behavior on you. Third, describe your feelings. And fourth, state preferred behavior, alternate behavior in future. Let us look at few examples of negative feeling assertion and see if you can spot all the four steps in this negative feeling assertion. When you come home with it, without telling me before, I worry that something is wrong and I feel angry. I would really appreciate if you could ring and let me know before. It has all the four steps. You can work it out for yourself. When you continually interrupt me when I am working on the balance sheet, it means I have to start all over again. I feel irritated by this, so I would prefer you wait in line finished. So, these are two examples of negative feeling of assertions. Both these examples has got all the four components. Think about that. Last is the broken record sets. Children are exquisite. What it entails is preparing what you want to see beforehand. Repeated as many times as needed. Useful in dealing with clever articulate people like serious people. Stick to your different lines. Maintain steady comment, avoiding irrelevant logic or argumentative rates. This is a very good technique for season, not bad. My plan for it is, can I borrow $20 from you? I can't lend you any money, I have run out. I will pay you back as soon as I can. I need it desperately. You are my friend, aren't you? I can't lend you any money. I would do the same for you. You won't even miss $20. I am your friend, but I can't lend you money. I have run out. So, this is what broken record technique looks like. You have to practice the lines beforehand. You have to know what you are and you have to be calm about it. There are times when you need to mix and mix these techniques and this is what is called a technique escalation. You can combine broken record with other techniques and escalate your assertions. So, always begin with a mindless task and sequentially getting more and more assertive. Avoid jumping into the heaviest consequence stance because that would be a third not assertion. So, when you want to escalate the technique, start with basic then go to empathetic consequence. And this is how you escalate the techniques and get more and more assertive. Few more tips on how to practice this assertiveness technique begin practicing them in a neutral situation. First time you try, they may not go as you have planned. It is important that you don't beat yourself about this. Have another go over time you will find. It gets easy. Next we will see how these techniques can practically be applied to the act of saying no. Yes, it is just one type of assertion but act of saying no is an important assertiveness skill. Let us see what are the effects of not being able to say no. Effects of not being able to say no can read resentment and anger towards the person who said yes. You become frustrated and disappointed. You become overworked. You become stressed. Long term anxiety and depression can also result from not being able to say no. What are some of the unhelpful beliefs about saying no? Saying no is rude and aggressive. Saying no is unkind, uncaring and selfish. Saying no will hurt and upset others and make them feel rejected. Saying no to somebody, if you say no to somebody then they won't like me anymore. Others these are more important than mine. I should always try and please others and be helpful. This is a deep conditioning, this is a deep social conditioning that prevents us from saying no. Saying no over the little things makes me come across a small minded and practical. These are the unhelpful beliefs. We have to change it into helpful beliefs. So, what are the helpful beliefs of us saying no? Other people have a right to ask and I have a right to refuse. When you say no, you are refusing a request. You are not rejecting a person. When you say yes to one thing, you are actually saying no to something else. We always have a choice and we are constantly making choices. People who have difficulty in saying no usually overestimate the difficulty that the other persons will have in accepting the refusal. Think about this. So, we are trusting that they can cope with hearing no by expressing our feelings openly and honestly it is actually liberates the other person and gives the other person a freedom to say no to you as well. How do you behave when you are saying? Be straightforward and honest but not rude so that you can make the point effective. As a rule, keep it brief. Keep saying no very brief. Tell the person if you are finding it difficult to say no. Be polite. Say something like thank you for asking. We both say no. Speak slowly with warmth. Otherwise, your no may sound abrupt and aggressive. Don't apologize or give elaborate reasons for saying no. It is your right to say no if you don't want to do that. Remember that it is better in the long run to be truthful than brief resentment within you and bitterness as well. When saying no, take responsibility for the consequence. Don't blame or make excuses. So, in effect, you are changing. I can't do. I don't want. Ways of saying no. So, based on the assertiveness techniques that we have seen, the ways of saying no can be a direct no, a reflecting no, that is empathetic assertion, a reason no, a range of no, an inquiring no, and a broken record. So, these are the ways we can say no. A company you will find a link to a book, a brochure which has more details on how to say no. And that is how you start being assertive. It is by no means an extensive presentation. Actually, this whole workshop goes on for almost nine hours spread over six weeks. And I also have an online course which has to be done over 30 days. So, but this is enough to get you started. If you have any questions, you can find me as Arikshan on all popular social media. Thank you.