 Okay. Good morning. Good to have all of you here into the 11th week of our course. Thank you for joining in week after week. Welcome to the eLearning students as well for your diligence or staying through the course. We're at the last couple of weeks, just four more weeks to go and we'll be ending our semester. I hope it's been fruitful. It's been helpful for you. So the last week we started on specific issues of counseling. We focused on mental health and managing family the last week and today we'll be looking at abuse, different kinds of abuse. Now the topic in itself is extremely vast. It's big and there are so many kinds of conditions even through when we're looking at abuse. So we may not really go into much of details of it. However, we try and see as best as how we can form an understanding of it. So the objectives of this may be the class more is to help us be able to recognize signs of abuse that happens in the lives of people, as well as preliminary things that we as ministers can do to work alongside those who are being abused or those who are abused. So it may be not a complete detailed step-by-step process that we're going to be taking through. So they may be put in quite general and it will require a lot more of in-depth study, in-depth training to work with those who are abused. So this is just an overview. Please see this as an overview of what we need to be aware of. How do we recognize symptoms? How do we recognize people who may be going through these forms of abuse? And what could we as ministers do on a basic level to help and support those who may be in this category? Okay, so if you are to just turn, I'm at page 45 in the course notes and I don't have a PPT here. There's more of a more of, I think, a lot more of discussion that I will bring up. I could also put in some kind of a reading material in the course notes in the stream as well as help for the e-learning students so that if you are interested, you could actually read a little bit more apart from the two hours that we have in class. Okay, so to get started, let's look at a few of the, first and foremost, look at what do we understand by abuse. Abuse is anything that, so if you look at the word abuse, it is when something is given to you for your use, you do not use it in its proper form and you misuse it to a point where it causes damage, where it causes evil, where it causes definite depreciation in the life of somebody else or your own. That is what we call, that's what we would term as abuse. Okay, now abuse can be different, can come in different forms. It can be physical, it can be emotional, it can be verbal and it can be sexual. Now abuse can come in not just in isolation, but it can come in as a combination of one, two, three, maybe all of these together. Another part of abuse that we are also just going to briefly touch upon is neglect. Neglect is generally seen among the more vulnerable class of people that is maybe towards children or towards the elderly, where people are those categories of people who are not able to take care of their own needs or their own basic needs and require to be dependent on a caretaker or on someone like for children who are dependent on parents or guardians. Or elderly who are dependent on other younger caretakers, maybe children or other family members who need, who they are dependent on. So that's what we would call as neglect. So let's look at a few of them and we may just focus on one or two kinds of abuses in each and we could apply that over a larger understanding. Okay, so before we get started, I think it is important for us to understand that the Bible definitely talks against any form of evil that one does towards another. So if you look at in Leviticus, I'm just going to try and see if I remember where it is. Sorry, in Exodus, I'm just pulling that out. Exodus 21. Yes, Exodus 21 where it does talk about, it talks about evil. So it basically talks also about slaves, about injury, about any forms of physical abuse, physical violence towards others in any form. I think it's also then the previous chapter or the chapter after that I think I misplaced it and I'm not able to find it. But I think it's largely there in Exodus 21 where it's all about how anyone causing harm towards or striking somebody, striking a father or mother, kidnapping, cursing, any kind of accidental physical violence, physical abuse is definitely something that is brought about in that scripture. So we do see that any kind of violation of a person's space physically, emotionally, sexually is something that God abhors, that God does not desire that his children engage in. So when we're looking at physical abuse, what are we basically dealing with is any kind of harm or that is inflicted upon somebody's body. So it can be in the form of hitting, beating, pushing, shaking, biting, choking, throwing, burning, pinching, all of that. Any kind of physical injury or any kind of an inflicted injury that comes from hitting. Okay, that's what we would consider as physical abuse. And a part of physical abuse that we do see is violence. We see as domestic violence. So the fact that all of this was put in scripture in itself in those verses in Exodus 21 around I think from the 12th verse onwards, it shows that the Bible does condemn abuse of violence of every kind. So it not only describes abuse and you see that there are also other kind of stories of abuse that bring about and we know that it clearly condemns abuse of all kinds. So abuse generally of authority or power, that is abuse that comes as a result of somebody's authority over someone else or power over someone else is a sin. It's not an acceptable dynamic in any relationship and especially not that in a marriage relationship. So when you look at one of the verses in Psalms 11 verse 5, it says, the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion. And we do see that the Lord, it's talking about the Lord. He says, he examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion. So you see that God hates those who hate violence, hates anyone who does meet out violence as a state of authority or as a result of power. So we need to recognize, and if we look in scripture also, the fact that these verses were highlighted in Exodus and God actually brings this as an institute, it probably does show that there must have been these kind of horrific acts that were happening among the children of Israel. And he describes that it was given as a law that they should not engage in something like that. So we can probably safely guess that all of these things, any form of abuse that we understand and we know of, was something that also was happening even at that period of time. So we also see that the Bible also speaks honestly of abuse. It condemns abuse, even those who practice violence. And I think so the crux of counseling is to help people who are in those abuse places to know that God hears the cry of the abused, the oppressed, the torn, the battered and the beaten. And we see that in Psalms 10, 17, it says, you Lord hear the desire of the afflicted, you encourage them, you listen to their cry. So we see that God definitely is not deaf to the years of those who are abused. And we see that God is the one who understand it. When you look at Isaiah 53, 5, it says he was despised and rejected by men. He was a man who was familiar with that kind of suffering. So it's God himself, Jesus himself understood what it really means to be afflicted and depressed. So when we're looking at abuse, and so when I look at domestic violence, I'm looking at it, of course, within the marriage in itself. So it is important that all forms of abuse must be addressed and taken seriously by any of us who are ministering to those who are coming to us for help. So it's not something that can be minimized away. So when an abuse takes place in a marriage, it is important to ensure that that comes to an end, the abuse comes to an end. And this is the point of time when individual or separate counseling for the abused and the abuser is necessary. It's really important to identify the presence of abuse in marriage because if it goes undetected, what can happen is that these patterns can definitely affect the relationship, affect children, and later also affect the way the process of counseling could also go. So one of the important fundamentals of counseling is helping couples examine their own behavior so that they each understand their contribution to maybe a problem that's shared. But if there is violence in it, you need to come to a place of bringing it to an end in whatever means and we'll discuss some of that as we go back. So when counseling husbands who are abusive, it must be absolutely clear that the headship, the biblical headship does not entitle a husband to treat their wives in a violent or an oppressive manner. So in the core of most domestic abuse is the use of a husband's leadership to exercise control over another individual. And we see the biblical headship as described in scripture, it's a sacrificial servanthood, it's not unlimited authority, it's a sacrificial servanthood. So we need to be careful to help the husband see that when a husband demands his own way or dominates his wife, we do not call this his biblical headship. We call it an abuse of the power that they have. Now it can happen in both ways, like a husband abusing a wife and also the other wife abusing a husband. So in the light of this, what are some of the things that we may need to do? I think there are two important things that we may need to focus on. First and foremost is to identify what the immediate needs are. And second is to plan for long term care. So when you're identifying what is most immediate, the first need is in any violent situation, domestic violent situation, is to prioritize the safety of the person who is being abused. And often this is primarily just a matter of physical safety, making sure that they are in a physical space where it is safe without being confronting the abuse over and over again. So as a person who is there as a minister or as a person to help, the first priority is to ensure that they get the physical safety that they need. And I think it is important also, depending on what the kind of abuse has been, it's also to ensure to be able to whatever is needed to take it into a legal or a law enforcement. Because if there is significant violence, multiple violence, so much so that there's probably leading to death and leading to significant injuries, multiple hospitalizations, all of that, maybe a legal route also probably could be needed. But again, that's something that you see how you take that forward. Some of the times, again, even as I'm saying this, I'm not condoning that it's okay. It's the fact that when you're looking at the kind of abuse, the extent of abuse, what is it that is absolutely required? So like I said, the first and foremost thing is safety. So if the abused needs to be moved away and get to a safer place, that's something that is what is absolutely important. Now, what you're also doing is to assess the situation to differentiate abuse from everyday relational conflict. So sometimes, as a result of conflict, there may be certain kinds of abuse that could happen. But I think there is something that we need to understand. There are a number of issues that can really help us understand the difference between what it is abused and what we call as everyday conflict. So one is to see if the abuser is willfully using these tactics to get what they want. Now, they've been very intentional that violence gets resorted to so that they get what they want. The spouse gets what they want. Or sometimes they steadily increase their abusive behavior to get what they want. So initially it may have just been shouting, and then it must be threatening. And then it's like, you know, mild pushing and then the mild pushing goes into some kind of hitting and then that goes into stronger ones. And then, you know, so is it methodically, is it increasing? Are those abusive behaviors increasing? The next you would see is next what you would look for is is it a series of isolated events? Or is there a pattern of behavior that's designed to inflict harm on an individual? So is it something that's here and they're very isolated? Or is it there is a huge pattern that you see where there is significant inflict? The next thing that you would look for is what are the common tactics that are used by the abuser? Is there shaming? Is there exploitation? Is there threats? Is there intimidation? Is there significant pity that they're showing? And that becomes like a tactic. The power they use. Often the abuser can use certain power. Now this power can be physical. It can be emotional. It can be even monetary power. It's financial power in order to get control over their spouse so that in order not to give out what is required. So what kind of power do they use? Next is excuse me. The next is control. So how do these abusers keep their spouses under control? Sometimes abusers want their spouses to be under their control. So sometimes they do not permit them to meet with others, to be in touch with family members, to keep them controlled financially. Maybe even spiritually, not allow them to probably go to church or to meet with other people. So there is a control that is exercised. So by whatever means that's necessary, they would want them to be under their control. Next is the abuser wants what they want. So there may be certain needs or concerns that are discounted at the expense of what they desire. So that sometimes also becomes a characteristic or an aspect that you look for. So you need to understand that abuse generally escalates. It moves from one part, one to another. So there may be sometimes that the abuser recedes, but then when you're looking at the entire balance, the abuse generally tends to escalate and intensify if there isn't any kind of help or support or intervention that's given. So make sure when a person comes in with a complaint or with this issue, that you do not send them back to an environment that is unprepared. So it needs to be very carefully planned because if someone's reaching out to you and you've asked them to go back to the entire situation and the abuser knows that the abuse has actually shared content of abuse with someone else, it can actually further escalate. The second thing is to plan for a long-term care. Now that's the next priority. Now when there is physical safety, which is a concern, the physical separation is definitely advised. However, when you encourage the abused partner to separate from their abusive spouse, it's something that should be done also carefully. And I think as ministers or as church leaders, we need to act carefully. When we tend to act too quickly, when we question or confront the abuser before maybe the victim or the abused spouse is ready, then it can often cause more harm and sometimes it can even put them to danger because they could be silenced and they could be even punished by the abuser who now knows that they have spoken to an outsider. So it is important first and foremost to ensure that immediate safety is essential. But it's also important that you're looking at something that is also long-term. So we need to, at this point of time, remember it's not the time to deliver an argument about divorce and remarriage and all of that can probably come to a later point of time. The need at this point is to ensure that there is care and support of the abuse. The plan for a long-term can come always later. So I think often that I've heard people, especially when there are believers who are in abusive relationships who've come for counseling, give me a history about what they've been told by well-meaning believers. They tell God calls us to endure suffering. He can redeem you through suffering and hardship. That's true. All of that's true. But these principles must be balanced and it's something that everyone in a relationship should adhere to. So it is important to not encourage people to go back to an environment because we feel that the entire marriage should be protected. Yes, but at this point of time, when there is this kind of a violence, the safety is first and foremost needed. We look back later into how we can work through that. So what can you do as a long-term thing? You ask questions to the abused and maybe the abuser as in when time goes by to help you gain a better perspective and understanding of the situation. So at this point, there could be some people who might be fearful of retribution from the abuser and feel that they are betraying their spouse by actually answering such questions. And that's where we help the abused understand that sharing their story is not a betrayal of their husband or their wife. It's not a betrayal. Instead, one goal is actually to bring the abuser's sin to light so that they have an opportunity to turn back to God and as a result, turn away from whatever consequences as a result of that sin that they are in. Now, if the abused decides to leave the abuser, I think that that's where you help to utilize and work through every resource that we have to help those who are abused. So we work actively in our faith at that point of time and accompany whatever help we can give them support with whatever shelter or a job or whatever that may be required. Remember that it is important that especially when it comes to abuse that you don't handle the situation on your own. You may need to identify and find other people who can work alongside with you. Maybe other pastors, maybe a counselor, maybe a lawyer or maybe a medical professional just to understand how to work with them. And of course, you pray with your counselor but continue to work through with them. Now, what happens sometimes when people continue to remain in these abusive relationships? What should you do with spouses who want to stick back? The first and foremost is not to condemn, not to shame them. Sometimes what we don't understand is maybe the dynamics of seeking to separate from an abuser can actually be very, very complex. And leaving an abuser does not necessarily mean that the abuse ends because domestic abuse does not end immediately with the separation. There are many people who go through abuse even after separation. There are different forms of abuse that happens. So while separation from the abuser is recommended, that is not always what sometimes the abused may choose. So they may decide to stay in a relationship with an abuser and you would imagine that that would require significant strength from within both spiritual as well as emotional strength. They may feel they have an internal strength but this is the choice that they make. And it generally comes after a self-assessment in where they are at their relationship. So at those points of time, we do give whatever support we can at our end but it finally remains in the choice of the other person. So abuse of any kind, especially physical abuse of any kind, whether it's just pushing, pulling, all of that, it's something that is evil. And we need to condemn that behaviour and we know that it is entirely opposed to the way that God sees it. And it definitely requires our support to be able to work through those resources. Now, some of the questions that I think I just want to bring about is that there are questions that sometimes do abusers change. Now, depending on the nature and the severity of the abuse, there may be a need to be a lengthy period of either no contact with the abuser or maybe some kind of a restricted contact. Now, what does it do? It allows family members to really work or whoever is involved. Maybe a spouse, maybe children, maybe extended family, all of them to really heal and grow without the need or the pressure to having to interact with the abuser and the fear that a relapse could come about. It's important that the abuser, if you are working with an abused and an abuser, to get the abuser to spend time enough to get help. And that is generally demonstrated by their willingness and by the progress that maybe the spouse sees. So again, here it is to maybe not living back together, but going back to meeting or dating, what I mean is redating the person so that to really see how much has changed. So this again, this decision should not be made very early and neither should be done in isolation. You see one incident of good relationship between them and then quickly moving them back into it. I think it's important that trusted others also can help the victims to see or the abuse to see if there are any red lines and to know when trust or reconciliation is really premature or unwise. Abuser sometimes, the fact is that there are certain traits of abusers that we need to notice that they are particularly quite adept at concealing their abusiveness when they want to. So an abuser who has not really changed, who has not truly changed how he thinks will often try or how he thinks, often what the way that he thinks is to reclaim the victim if he can and deceptively bring them back into getting them back to the home. But unfortunately, when that happens, it typically brings about the worsening of the abuse because now the abuser is ticked off from what has been gone through. So if you look at statistics fundamentally, we see that abusers are fundamentally changing are quite low. It is because it's important for a victim to remember that when she feels the abused kind of feels tempted to believe that everything is okay and they hang on to this hope and they stay in that abusive relationship. Now that does not mean we are, I'm suggesting that they should not pray or trust God to intervene in the way that he can, but also saying that God can only work in a life of a person when the abuser allows him to. So change definitely takes time and because the ramifications of abuse are so devastating, we really need to see good demand, demand proof enough to see whether there has been a change before any of this can be recommended back. Now the question again will come about is to see, do you bring them to a place of reconciliation or no reconciliation? So just to, I think regardless of how badly people are treated in whatever relationship we know as it says in Ephesians 432, God expects us to forgive just as we have been forgiven by him. However, forgiving someone does not mean that you have to put yourself back in the way of harm. It does not mean you have to remain in that kind of abusive relationship by living together with someone who's not repented, not change their thinking and not change their actions or their ways or their violent ways. So if an abusing spouse gets the help he needs and is sufficiently transformed and the pain, the hurt, the wounds of the abused spouse is where they are able to let go and come to a place of healing, then yes, reconciliation is possible because that's what God does. The wisdom of being reconciled after abuse I think should be considered on a case-to-case basis with the proper counsel that it needs. A person does not have to reconcile with the spouse if they choose not to and if they feel that the extent and the damage has been really great and have not seen any kind of a retribution from the other person. Just another understanding also is that domestic abuse is not a marriage problem. So marriage counseling is not the answer to domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is the problem of, primarily is the problem of the abuser. There can be cases where the marriage relationship is also affected and that is a separate thing. The marriage counseling does not come to bring down the abuse and often what we see is a lot of those who are victims struggle with this truth because they are aware of their own weaknesses and flaws and they sometimes are aware of their own weaknesses and the abuser often takes advantage of this to blame the abuse on the partners and often gets them to accept that there is, get them to accept at least some part of the blame. Just kind of give me a minute. Sorry, I'll just repeat that point again that generally those who are abused often are not aware of the fact that abuse can be an issue with, I mean the abuse that's come is an issue with their spouse and they feel that marriage in itself has become a problem and that's why the abuse is happening. They need to come to this truth that abuse is an issue with the partner and they need help and after which is when marriage counseling can actually help in order to work through how to deal with each other because what can happen is abusers sometimes will take advantage of this and they blame the abuse on the other spouse hoping that they would accept some part of the blame. So sometimes when we are not in touch with the realities of domestic abuse and the presentation of many abusers, they generally deceive. So what happens is during counseling sessions in which let's say the abuser is present, in this case let's say it's an abusive husband, a wife may find it very difficult to really articulate or bring any clarity what she's experiencing. So she may be quite intimidated particularly if a counselor is very sympathetic to the abuser's complaints about his wife and this often can add a lot more injury. So individual counseling for the abuser needs to be targeted at changing the abusive thinking and the behavior and that's what we see as a best course of action alongside with spiritual upbuilding. Only once you're able to see sincere and prolonged change in the abuser, good marriage counseling have any kind of a positive effect. So in the meantime maybe the wife and the children can benefit from receiving other kinds of support or help to build themselves up to restore the brokenness that's there. And really help them to deal with that impact of that abuse. So how can Christian counseling help with domestic abuse or violence? So coping with an overcoming these effects of domestic abuse is not like I said is not something that should be shouldered alone. So just give me a minute. Yeah, so I think we've been looking at how Christian counseling can help. So those who have been abused or who are exposed to these kind of challenges, sometimes these issues may not surface until even after the abuse has ended. So some of these could be suppressed deeply hidden stays on for years till it comes up in some way or in some other relationship or in some other stress. So if in case the abuse is still happening, I think Christian counseling what you do is helps the person revealing just by helping them reveal what is happening, whatever has gone place in a confidential and supportive environment actually greatly enables them to sort out those conflicting desires or beliefs, faith related issues, helps them to develop a plan of safety and also helps them to make important decisions. Now in case the abuse is in the past, Christian counseling can help to connect whatever has happened back then and what they may be experiencing at this point of time. Emotional healing is something that healing and wholeness is something you can take them through. And I know that you all are probably doing a course on inner wholeness at this point. So there are some practical tools that you can discover in the context of our faith in Jesus. And that's how we can work with those who may be physically undergoing any kind of physical violence. I've taken an almost an hour in this but I think it is fairly important. Any questions here? Any thoughts? What if a person refuses to come out of a place of abuse saying that God has joined us together so no matter what happens I want to cling on to this. So that's where I think you open up the understanding that as I spoke about the biblical headship is not a place of meeting out power and authority over another individual. And maybe at that point of time it's to help them see that we are not referring to a divorce or a separation, long term separation but it is to come to a place of safety. It is to bring them to a place of safety. Something that they also need to understand which a lot of those who are in abusive relationships they don't see is that a lot of times the abused spouse may be enabling the abusive relationship of the other partner. They may be enabling it in some way. So in order to restore that to create a better flow of dynamics within that relationship a part of separation may be necessary till we can get the help and support. So these are certain things that you could do to make them understand or to change their form of thinking that there is a certain expectation even in a marriage relationship of how a partner treats the other and that's what you would like to address with the abuser. Now that's as best as you can do. The second thing that I and let's say they still resort to going back to the next thing that I would do is move them or convince them to open this up with somebody else probably a family member, a neighbor, someone where they can get some kind of a support from because often abuse worsens in isolation when there aren't people involved that's when abuse increases but when they know that people are involved people know abuse actually comes down and I've seen this very often. So even if it's just even if it's a counselor or even if it's a neighbor, it's one family member, the knowledge that somebody else also knows brings down abuse. So that's something that you can push them into doing is to share the information with somebody else so that there is some kind of check that's done or even surprise checks that can be done. That catches people at the moment. So that in itself often can be a protective face. But there could be even in the midst of that that's not available. That's not there. Then yeah, you you probably can't do anything more than that. That's why a sense of a network is always helpful, you know, whether it's a life group or a Bible study group or family, friends, all of this is helpful to keep some form of check on the abuse. I hope I answered your question. Thank you. All right, shall we stop for a break and we'll come back in 10 minutes at 11.