 Hello, and welcome to Sports Show. You all know that we like to have a lot of laughs as well as being informative on this show, but today we're talking about something serious. Sports Show wants to publicly declare that we are separating ourselves from Kanye West. He will never appear on Sports Show again because of his abhorrent statements that he has made being so anti-semitic, so hateful, so harmful. So Kanye, please don't even try messaging me or emailing me or making a new email account to email me after I block you because you're not going to convince us to let you back on Sports Show. I've blocked Ken West on every platform, all my apps, rotary dial phone, you name it. You even have stated very bravely that you're so upset with his actions that you have decided to never pronounce his name right again. Correct. Ken West. You're not welcome here. Ken Westicles. This is just a little announcement before the show that we are publicly distancing ourselves professionally and personally from Kanye West, and he will not be featured on Sports Show ever again. Enjoy the episode now. One man who actually watches Sports for Fun. One adult woman who no longer looks like her parents. 16 more legendary athletes. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Sports Show. And now your host, backed by overwhelmingly popular demand, my dad. Hi, everybody, and welcome back to Sports Show. Sports Show. Singular. This is the show where our sports expert, Julia Dapper, will be given a tournament style list of sports personalities and she will decide who is the most. The best at the MVP of all time. Very clear. And today's program is brought to you by our new sponsor. We appreciate them. It's the Taco restaurant. What the shell? Because of their gracious donations that we are able to afford. An upgrade. I hope nobody's paying that they ran out of tape. So we're going to get started in the first round. We've got the eight and nine seeds facing off against each other. Number eight seed is Latrell Spreewell. He was a pro basketball player. During a practice, his coach, PJ Carlissimo, told him, Hey, you got to make better passes and Latrell Spreewell choked his coach. He went to the locker room, came back out and attacked the coach one more time. He like took a second to cool down and then said, No, I'm still mad. Got back to it. Now that was back in 97, 1997. So that's a little dated and Latrell's out of the game now. But we're freshening up with a current sports personality and that is Hans Nieman. Hans is 19 years old. He's a grandmaster in chess, which is very awesome for the age. Middle name is Moak. Moak, Moak. Anyway, in September of 2022, he was faced off in a match against the longtime number one ranked player in the world, Magnus Carlson. Amazingly, the young upstart, Hans Nieman beat Carlson. Carlson then accused our man Moak of cheating. And you might know a little more about this. I do. So I have inside information as our resident sports expert. Nieman has undergone multiple tests trying to prove that he wasn't cheating, including metal detector taking his coat off. He has said that he would be willing to play naked if that's what it took. But the internet has come up with is a new theory, a new novel way of cheating, which is that he has some kind of vibrating device of his ass. You just spit on our cat. Sorry. That he has some vibrating device of his ass supposedly sending him Morse code so that he can win every round. Trust speaks for itself. So who will advance? Spreewell, the literal choker, or Nieman, the possible cheater? Okay. Thing about Spreewell is I respect his drive. I like his spunk and his energy. If you're willing to beat the shit out of someone twice, or suggesting that you play better, you're on my team any day. How about an athlete with a device up his wazoo? So here's the thing about the chess guy. Everyone is so sure that he's cheating. Everyone is 100% sure. How do you know that he's cheating? Like, I have not heard one person explain what is so suspicious about him. Because when he plays chess, he looks like every other person playing chess. Like he looks like he's having no fun because he's playing chess. And as far as I know, it's not against the rules of chess to have a plan for how you're going to move the pieces, right? There's a difference between a plan and an implant. Well, I don't know. I just don't know how everyone is so sure. Considering that he'd be willing to get naked to play chess, I don't doubt at all that he'd be willing to undergo a colonoscopy. I'm not checking it. I'm checking it. I'm out. I sense you're leaning on sword spree. I do think so. Nieman, if there's one thing about me, it's that I am okay with cheating as long as it's entertaining enough. And so I'm not disqualifying him for cheating. I'm disqualifying him for playing chess. It is a little bit too convenient that we're talking about him in this sports show. After a couple of videos back, I made an entire video talking about people who look exactly like me. And then I looked up a picture of Hans Nieman. His hair could not possibly look closer to mine. Next matchup, number seven and number 10 seeds. Number seven is George Forman Boxer. He was an Olympic gold medalist. He was also a two-time world champion as a professional ordained Christian minister. Made really a ton of money with the George Forman Grill. And married five times, has five sons. George Jr., George III, George IV, George V, and George VI. And among his seven daughters is one named George Atta. Do the mothers have any control over what their children are named? When you make as much money as he did with the grill, you can let him name the kids as he wishes. He's the seven seeds up and against number 10. And that is Pete Rose, who was a famous professional baseball player. Charlie Hussle was his nickname. And he was tremendous. He still holds the major league record of the most hits in a career. Wow. He is not in the baseball hall of fame because he's a good man for life. Because when he was managing the Cincinnati Reds, he was accused of gambling, which is the number one, number one sin in baseball. Everyone knows that no athletes are able to gamble and have successful careers. Anyway, we've got George, kindly grill master and father of many Georges, against Pete Rose, Charlie Hussle, who's still begging his way toward the Hall of Fame, but unlikely to get there. I'm admitting this to you and to our audience because I trust that I won't be mocked or made fun of for admitting this. I didn't know that George Foreman was a person. I thought it was a grill. I didn't know that it was a grill named after a person. Good for him, though. What sport does he play? He was a boxer. Oh, okay. Sports expert. I've said before and I'll say it again. I support cheating as long as it's clever enough. But gambling. Draw the line. I draw the line. So George Foreman. Oh yeah, grill master. Okay, you didn't know it was a real person. Our next matchup is the six and the 11 seeds. Number six is Wilf Chamberlain. Unfortunately departed. He has died, but tremendous career in college and professional basketball. He was Wilf the Stilt. He was seven foot one and he was tremendous. Interestingly, when he wrote an autobiography called A View from Above, he claimed to have slept with more than 20,000 women, which when they did the math, they said basically he had to be having an intercourse about every seven seconds in his adult life. But what a legend. You know, that's Wilf still. He's up against the number 11 seed and that's John Daly. John Daly is a professional golfer. Still kind of hanging around the game, but not getting into too many tournaments, but still makes an income endorsing things like hideously patterned pants, hangs out at Hooters a lot, smokes like a fiend. This guy sounds awesome. His one tremendous accomplishment, though, when he was in his younger prime, he was a substitute in the PGA championship in 1991. He won the tournament, but he's been suspended and penalized for many times for things like walking off the course during a tournament. He's a bit of a character. So we've got Wilf the Stilt, basketball player and Lothario, and we've got John Daly, golfer and partier. So John Daly walks off the field when he's mad? If he's playing poorly, he'll just say screw it and walk right off the course. If I were on a golf course, I also would want to walk off the golf course as quickly as possible. And so if he can come up with any excuse to get off, I support him. The other guy, Wil Chamberlain, just said slut. That's his whole thing. Don't ask me. You're the expert. Okay. Sexpert. I'm going to let John Daly go forward because I love a train wreck. We're going to our five and 12 seeds. The number five seed? Secretariat. Secretariat was a racehorse back in the 1970s, known as Big Red. Noteworthy because 49, it'll be 50 years ago soon, this coming race season, won the Triple Crown, the three major races in the United States, and won them by record-setting times and distances that have never been touched. Featured on a U.S. postage stamp in 1999. Also featured on the show Bojack Horseman, a recurring terrifying character. Up against the 12 seed, Tom Breneman. Tom Breneman was a broadcast, longtime play-by-play guy with the Cincinnati Reds baseball team. Unfortunately, he's not known for that as much as he is for one slip-up when he thought that they had gone to commercial, but it was still a hot mic. Somebody said that they were heading to San Francisco. He had a term to name that city, and it didn't go over well. I'm also noticing we have a lot of non-athletes in this roster of sports show. Sports related. Sports related, sure. I got to give it to Secretariat. I'm not mad at Tom because of Thumb. Thumb? Thumb. I'm not disqualifying him for being homophobic. I'm disqualifying him for not being a real athlete. You've drawn the line again. Our number four versus 13 seeds. I think it's our first Dwayne. Dwayne Johnson. Dwayne the Rock Johnson? Dwayne the Rock Johnson, who was a college football player at the University of Miami, didn't make it into pro ball, really made his career as a wrestler and now actor. I remember, I have a long history with Dwayne the Rock Johnson, because for some reason, I feel like it was to promote some movie. For some period of time, you showed up on every show on Disney Channel, like as a special guest, and they always introduced him as Dwayne the Rock Johnson. And so I thought that his entire name was Dwayne the Rock Johnson. It is. We also need to note in his bio that he's a singer, or rapper perhaps. Oh, it's about drive, it's about power. So he's up against the number 13 seed Al Unser Jr. and now retired, was a professional race car driver, highly successful. Won two Indianapolis 500s, came from a family of successful racers. Off the track, a bit of a wreck. Tremendous alcohol addictions, lot of marital strife, and some driving convictions. So. How are you a driver who gets arrested for driving? Because your blood alcohol point is about 0.28. So I will note this, he is currently on the straight and narrow to the best of his ability. And he is promoting it through a book and any appearance he can make. We wish him the best. So Dwayne the Rock Johnson, singer against Al Unser Jr., car racer, and car wreck. I must say, not only because I feel like driving a car isn't really a sport, but I gotta send Dwayne the Rock Johnson forward because, God, is there anything this man can't do? Well, we're gonna find out if there's something he can't do as in win the sports show. Okay, we're gonna move on to our number three. We're getting up there. The number three seed against the number 14. You could call this the dog bracket, and you'll see why in just a moment. Number three seed, Joey Chestnut. 15. Oh no! Time. Nathan's hot dog eating contest champion holds a record for eating 75 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. Holy shit. He's also won food contest eating fried asparagus, grilled cheese sandwiches, waffles, crystal hamburgers, bratwurst, chicken wings, pizza, and macaroni and cheese, where he ate 10 and a half pounds in seven minutes. Everything I learned about Joey Chestnut makes me more afraid of him. And let's note security man, where this year, during the 2022 contest at Nathan's, he took down a guy who'd run up on stage and then proceeded to eat some more and win. The number 14 seed, Michael Vick. Michael Vick was a college and pro football star, but when he was in the pro game, pro football, it was discovered he had been deeply involved in a dog fighting operation. And gotten some big trouble, spent 21 months in federal prison, actually, but you know the NFL and their tough disciplinary standards. When he got out of prison, they welcomed him right back into the game. So we've got dog eater, safely, legally, Joey Chestnut against dog fighting manager, Michael Vick. Michael Vick, he was on the Vikings though, right? And worked from Minnesota. And so I feel like he... I don't think he ever got here. He played against them. I swear he was on the Vikings. Editing Julia, put a fact check up on the screen and agree with me because I'm right. Thanks, past Julia. Unfortunately, I come bearing some bad news. And that is that I looked it up. I did extensive research. I went beyond a shadow of a doubt. And in fact, Michael Vick was never on the fucking Vikings. But according to my Google search suggestions, I wasn't the only one who had some suspicions. And Joey Chestnut, the guy who ran up on stage, he was like a protester. I like to imagine that the protester was like, against landmines or something. And he's like, I'm protesting against landmines. And then Joey Chestnut was like, I love landmines. If you watch the video, I don't think he cost Chestnut half a dollar. It's terrifying. It was quick. Everything about Joey Chestnut is so fucking scary. I'm going to give it to Joey Chestnut, however, the spookiest man on this list so far. Vic, I don't know much about you except that you beat dogs and you were on the Minnesota Vikings at some point. Fact checker. Yeah, we're going to check that. Back me up on that. I'm sorry, I cannot, Bestie. We are getting up there. We got our number two seed against the 15. Let's start with the 15. In fact, hope so long. She's now 41. She was a collegiate and professional and Olympic soccer goalie with the United States Women's National Team in Olympic and World Cup levels and was a champion, won gold medals. Oh, off the field. That's where they run into trouble. Her husband got arrested for a DWI while driving the U.S. soccer team van. Hope got suspended. Dang it, the U.S. soccer team van. And this past year, Hope got a DWI while she had her two-year-old twins in the car with her. Oh my God. Now, delighted to say everyone will stop safely and she, I believe, is on the road to rehab. So that's all good. All good. Number two seed, a tennis star, top player in the world right now, Serbian professional tennis player, Novak Djokovic. Djokovic, the Joker. He's won 88 titles so far, 21 Grand Slams and a gold medal in 2008. The problem in the past year or two, he hasn't been able to compete at every Grand Slam event because he won't get a COVID vaccination. One thing that I do know about Djokovic is that he's called the Joker because he's from the notoriously funny country Serbia. Let's hear one of your zingers, Joker. I gotta give it to the Djokovic, the definitely not terrifying or depressing man. To the top of the heap, the number one seed going against 16 here. Start with our 16, Oscar Pistorius. Oh, fuck. South African Paralympic sprinter. I remember him. Highly successful, very inspiring, and he was known as the Blade Runner. Tremendous success in the Paralympic games, but Valentine's Day 2013 shot and killed his girlfriend at his South African home. Claimed he mistook her for an intruder, shot her four times. Damn. Currently in jail. Really? Yes. I'm genuinely surprised that he actually faced consequences for that. He's going up against the number one seed and this will lighten things up a little bit. Gritty. Gritty, no. So, Gritty is the official mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers of the NHL. Made his debut in September of 2018. He's seven foot tall, orange, and furry. Holy shit. And currently has over 393,000 Twitter followers. His Twitter feed is tremendous. In the backstory, when they were renovating the arena in Philadelphia, they knocked down a wall. Gritty was living in the space inside the wall. He was waiting for his chance. Yeah, he is a star among mascots. So, wait, who is the first guy again? I heard Gritty and I forgot everything about him. Yeah, understandable. Oscar Pistorius the Paralympic. Damn, man. How can I not give it to Gritty? That's the thing. Gritty is the Tanya Harding of this round of sports show. Speaking of which, I'm kind of pissed that she wasn't included in this. I thought we had an understanding that Tanya Harding would be involved in some way in every round of a sports show. It's like Jeopardy has a tournament of champions. At some point, she could be in a sports show tournament of sports. Oh, okay. She could be back someday. God, I hope so. Just not today. We've gotten through our top 16. So, we're going to get ready and move on to round two. All right, we're going to move on to the second round. So, and we've got some really tough matchups. So, you're going to do the best of your research. Okay, good. I have it. The sports research team down in the basement is really provided with a lot of great notes. It looks like we have reseeded. So, the second round, we're going to start with the three against the seven. And number three is Joey Chestnut. Hot dog eating champion. Terrifying. Going against professional basketball star and sex star, Wilf Chamberlain. Aside from having sex with 1 billion people, has he done anything else interesting? Well, he's now dead, but he was an epic professional basketball player. Has he done anything funny? I'm sorry, Wilf. I got to give it to Joey Chestnut. I mean, as far as breaking records and pushing how far the human body can go, I don't think anyone does it quite like Joey Chestnut. Also, he's in my dreams sometimes. Understandles. The next matchup is the four against the five. The four is Duane Johnson. Duane the Rock Johnson. It's about drive. It's about power. And he's against the noble steed. The number five seat secretary at the race horse. I got to give it to Duane the Rock Johnson. So, Rock moves out of the second round as well. We've got the two against the eight. The eight is Littrell's free will. The coach choking basketball player. Against number two, Novak Djokovic. Oh, man. This is a hard one. If you can stop laughing. I know. It could give me an adult diaper. Am I right? In the second episode, we made a joke about adult diapers in a row. So, Littrell's free will. I love his drive. I love his power. You can get on him for an unprecedented act of violence as much as you want. But consider this. If his story were to be one of those feel-good sports movies that's like based on a true story, you can't tell me that he wouldn't be like the guy who breaks the rules but he gets the job done. And the movie would pose him as a somewhat good character. Right? He assaulted a human being in the normal everyday practice of executing your jobs together. And in the movie, after assaulting that person, the coach would get up and be like, I've had about enough use free will. But damn, no one else does the job as good as you. So, you're back on the team and I'm not pricing charges. I'm hearing a lot of high praise for Littrell. And probably he has not heard this much high praise since the incident. Jokovic versus Littrell. Yeah, wow. Unfortunately, as you all know, I like to stay as objective as possible. Simply, if we're talking about the better athlete of the two, not to mention the funnier guy of the bunch. Jokovic, I think, I mean, you said he won however many records I wasn't paying attention. I think that he should go forward next. Okay, all right, Jokovic. Wow. It was a tough one. Our final pairing in the second round is the one V11. The 11th seed is John Daly, golfer, trainwreck, Hooters fan. And he's up against the number one seed, the big furry orange one, Gritty. Oh my gosh. Gritty versus Daly. See, this is unfair. I was not expecting Gritty to be included in this. What could you possibly do to go up against Gritty? Besides get your ass beat. And get mocked on Twitter. And get clowned on. I gotta give it to Gritty, man. He's kind of a gotcha card. You'd have to be pretty spectacular in order to beat him. And you know who is spectacular? Tanya Harding. Well, people are texting in and asking, are you putting Gritty on a level with Tanya? I'm going to need to do some soul searching about that. He's a pretty powerful cat. Yeah, one athlete that I must say I'm glad is not returning is the one and only, what's his name, Tom Brady, the Sun Kisser. As far as I'm hearing his Bruja ex-wife has put some kind of curse on him that causes him to lose a gallon of blood every day. Tom, yeah, Tom is not in today's field. Just wanted to clown on him a bit more. Giving yourself the opportunity to show a visual of him kissing one of the boys. I promise you I am. There's so fucking many of them. We're going to move on to the semifinals and it gets tough. Now you're not known as somebody who just goes chalk as taking all the higher top seeds. But we have ended up with the top four seeds advancing to our semifinals. Dang. Which is remarkable. So we're going to go to our 2v3. Number three seed, Joey Chestnut. Security expert, hot dog eating champ. Number two seed, Novak Djokovic. Ooh, because both of these guys are freaks of nature. Like we can say that, right? Joey has been voted most likely to eat a human being in his high school yearbook. And Joker, I mean, if you're that funny, it's kind of inhuman, am I right? Let's hear another singer from Djokovic quick. He's killing me. He's killing me and all those around him who are immuno compromised because he has not yet gotten vaccinated against COVID. Honestly, it could be a coin toss. I think both of them deserve to move on. One has to be eliminated. Only one has to be picked. I gotta say Djokovic, he deserves to win something after he hasn't won anything for a few years. It has been a while. The number one against the number four, the four is Duane Johnson. Oh man. Singer extraordinaire. Against our number one, the big orange thing, Gritty. You know, it should be a compliment to both of them that I am struggling so hard to choose. I think they both deserve to win. One. Hold on. I'm going to contact our research department and see if we can dig up anything problematic on Duane Johnson from his past. I might have made some bad movies. What are you talking about? Sorry I blew up. We have to give it to Gritty who also, apparently you're in love with, I must say. You are talking better about Gritty than you've ever talked about me or any of my siblings growing up. He is the master of all mascots, although that could be another sports show. Mascot edition. Mascot edition. All right. Welcome back. I apologize for the unprofessional look, but it is getting hot and really competitive as we've gotten down to our final matchup. We again want to thank our sponsor, WhatTheShelf. Nobody else has jumped on that bandwagon quite like I'm driving it. Our final pairing, the championship round, and it is our number one, the number two seed. So hats off to our research team. Their seedings were spot on. As usual. See, I thought we went through all the best athletes the last time, but they were able to really do their job. Even though Tonya Harding should have been here and was not. So number one versus number two. Our number two, it is Novak Djokovic, tennis champion, anti-vaxxer. And he's up against the number one seed who has just marched right through this one, like a big orange thing coming through a concrete wall and that is Gritty, the mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers. It's the battle of the comedians. We've got the two funny guys up here. They are entertainers. So Gritty and Joker. Oh man. Who wins Sports Show round two? Once again, it's really a question of how fair is this because there is no other answer than Gritty. I gotta give it to him. Wait a second, hold on. My research team is giving me new information. There's been an upset. Turns out the actual winning is Tonya Harding. She swept it again. She snuck in there. Thank God, I must say. I was worried about this episode. So if Tonya wins every Sports Show, who's going to be in the tournament of champions? Eight Tonyas. Yes. Who else needs to be there? Just her and her many personalities at different podiums. Okay. Is that right? Okay. They're telling me in the booth that they're going to allow you to pencil in your Tonya as the champion. But they are naming Gritty as the people's champion. Okay. He deserves it. He can join the champions. All right. Wow. I do want to note this. Nobody's ever seen Gritty skating and Tonya Harding skating at the same time. So I don't want to. She can still win. Well, that's the biggest question. If we do have a tournament of champions, is it even worth it? Will you even open your mind to any competition besides Tonya Harding? Would you even listen to the arguments of a Gritty or a Rock? I'd listen. I'd listen to whatever Gritty has to say. It doesn't talk or is he just an athlete? Mascots never speak. But he tweets and threatens other mascots. tweets tremendously. So a big congratulations to apparently two winners, Tonya Harding, who seems is going to win every time. And also to Gritty, the people's champion who was crowned and then sort of had the crown snatched off them. I'm not trying to discount Gritty. Yes, Gritty is the winner of sport show round two. I will let him have that crown. Okay. Well, congratulations Gritty and all the best to you. And if we could share this with Gritty, maybe we'll see if Gritty will tweet about the sport show. That would be... I'm scared about what Gritty's going to tweet at me. I get mean tweets already. About the wig and that sort of thing. Oh, God. I want to thank our research team down in the basement and our sponsor, WhatTheShall. Thanks very much. We'll see you next time on the next round of sport show.