 The Herald Perry Show as Honest Herald the Homemaker. Well, it's midnight in the little town of Melrose Springs and all its good citizens are sound asleep, including the cat in the butcher shop window. Looking into the little house on 8th Avenue, we find the town's most popular radio figure, Honest Herald the Homemaker, gently snoring and evidently having a very pleasant dream. He- he- he- he- he- he. Herald! Herald, Herald wake up. Mother, Mother, what's the matter? Shhh. I think there's somebody in our cellar. What? I heard strange noises down there. Who did? Have a look. First thing in the morning. Good night, Mother. But Harold, it might be a burglar in the cellar. Burglar? Well, what the heck? Nothing valuable for him to steal down there except my Rudy Valley records. Harold, don't you think you ought to get up and take a look? Look? Well, all right. You ought to have a weapon, Harold. I'll go out in the kitchen and get the cedar mug. Yeah, good idea. Hurry now. Maybe it's just Mother's imagination. I hope. Guess I'll have to get up, though. The floor is cold. Now where are my slippers? Yeah, just feel around for them. Here's one slipper. It fits kind of tight. It's got crumbs in it. It's my box of Girl Scout cookies. Here they are. They're slipping into my robe now. Are you ready, Harold? Yes, Mother. I'm coming. Come on. Now we'll go to the cellar door and listen. All right. Now let's tiptoe. That rustling noise. What is it? Me? You put too much starch in my pajamas again. Here's the cellar door. Let's listen. I don't hear anything. Must have been your imagination, Mother. No, no. I heard something. It sounded like an awful big fella, too. I don't think so. There is a big fella down there that doesn't worry me. Remember in high school, how I could lick any kid my age? Of course all the kids my age were in college. I don't think you should go down in the cellar alone, Harold. Maybe you should call the Marshal. Mother, that's silly. There's nothing. Mice. Sounds like they're bowling down there. That settles it, Mother. I'm going to do it. Oh, you're going down in the cellar? No, I'm going to call the Marshal. Howler doesn't come upstairs. So do I. Don't worry, Mother. Pete, the Marshal, get here. He's the slowest, most aggravating human being. That must be Pete, Harold. It's about time. You'll probably want to spend a half an hour filling out a form. Hello, Pete. Hey, Pete. It's Pete. Oh, my goodness. Peace, old father. Where's Pete? Couldn't come. Just got called on a big case. What big case? He's watching the gum machine on Main Street. Somebody put a button in it last night. Oh, my goodness. All right, come on in. Pete, it's Pete. It's about time somebody got here. Now, what's all this ricky-dicky about? There's a prowler in our cellar. Oh, that's house-breaking. I know that. I want you to arrest him. Just a minute, Harold. I'll have to fill out a form. You too? Had the form right here in my pocket. Well, let's see. What's this? Oh, a poem I tipped out of the pass finder. Sort of humorous. You want to hear it? No. All right. A tutor who taught on the flute tried to teach two young tutors to toot. Said the toot is a tutor. Is it hard to toot or to toot toot tutors to toot? Toot? I mean, Pete. That robber will be making his getaway while we're standing here talking. Aren't you going to do something? Sure. I'm going to fill out this form. Now, a occupant of house broken into. Oh, that must be you. Yes, Harold Hemp. Let me write that down. Harold Hemp. Oh, for goodness. Name of the intruder. How do I know his name? He's in the cellar. Let me write that down. Pete, hurry up. I'm catching cold. Catching cold? Let me write that down. Is somebody down your cellar? Of course there is, and you're supposed to arrest him. Now, come on. There's the cellar. Hey, Doc down there. Naturally. Well, go on down, Cleet. After you, Harold. You're the deputy. It's your cellar. Oh, Pete's bad enough, but you're the most aggravating man I've ever known. Cleet, you're a nincompoop. Let me write that down. Come on, you can't spell it anyway. I'll go down and catch him myself. Can't see a thing. Want my bed, Harold? Oh, quiet up there. He's a big help. Don't hear anything down here now. Proller's probably scared away by now. Well, I'll look around just in case. What's that on my face? Cobweb. Let's take a look over by the cold bin. I've got my foot in mother's pickle tub. Where's that light? Oh, here it is. Yipe, I'm electrocuted. I guess there's nobody down here. I'll go on. Oh, somebody whacked me in the shins. Where are you? Oh, that wasn't in the shins. Why don't you fight fair? I got him. A little fellow. Maybe he's a midget. There's a circus in town. I can handle you. It's slippery. Come on, Shorty. We're going upstairs. Come on. Up you go. You bet. He put up an awful struggle that I overpowered him. Yeah, let's take a look at him in the light. Let me go. Why, you little boy? The poor child can't be more than 12. Doesn't make any difference. He's got an awful left hook. Young man, what were you doing in our cellar? I said, what were you doing in our cellar? I was looking for a damn place to raise mushrooms. Oop. Fresh. And maybe if I talk to him, Harold. This is a pretty serious offense, young man. Breaking into somebody else's house like this. What's your name? To use the colloquialism. Puttin' in tame. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same. Cleet, I'm not going to fool with this juvenile delinquent any longer. He's your responsibility. Okay. Come on, little fella. Oh, hold on. No. Can't take him tonight. What? Why not? Haven't got the right form. Cleet. You'll have to make him down in the morning and see the marshal. Oh, for the love of Pete. Not Pete, not Cleet. Good night. Good night. Oh, little boy, I'll bet you're hungry. Well, I'll fix you a sandwich and some milk. You two can have a nice chat while I'm in the kitchen. Yeah, thank you, mother. Sit down, young man. A few questions I want to ask you. Look, to save us both a very boring conversation, I'll give you the details. Huh? A, I'm not a juvenile delinquent. B, I've run away from home. What? C, I will not tell you who my parents are as they do not wish to return to them. D, you may call me William. You ran away from home? Yes. Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that, Willie. William. Yes, well, William, maybe I can help you. Now, if you were to tell me why you ran away, maybe we could sort of straighten this thing out, huh? You know, a lot of people consider me their friend. In fact, I have a radio program called Honest Harold the Homemaker. Yes, I've heard it. Oh, you have? It stinks. Now, look here, Willie, William. Oh, that sticky sentiment. You're a purile. Purile? Now, just a minute. We don't allow that kind of language in this house. For your edification, purile means childish, immature, and silly. A perfect description of you. Oh. Mmm. What's your IQ? Huh? What's your middle measurement? Middle measurement? Well, I wear a six and seven-eighth hat. You're quite stupid. Why, you little quiz kid, I'm going to take you over. My Harold. What are you? Oh, hello, Mother. Fine, little fellow. Oh, you've made friends already. Isn't that wonderful? Yeah. I was just going to massage his neck. Oh, hello, little boy. You can eat your sandwich and then go to bed. You can have Harold's room tonight. Yeah. What? All right. Good night, Honest Harold. I'll fix that little quiz kid. I'll glue the pages of his dictionary together. Aren't you asleep yet? Sleep? How can I sleep on this lumpy sofa? I look like a waffle in the morning. That little boy isn't asleep either. Good. Well, Harold, why don't you go in and talk to him? He probably feels lonesome in a strange house. Mother, I'm not going... Say, I could put those cookie crumbs in his bed. Hey, coming, Mother. You go in, Harold. I'll wait outside. Good idea. Hello, William. Oh, hello. Look at that little prissy pants. I'll fix him. Mr. Hemp, I hope I have an inconvenience to you. Why? I appreciate you letting me have your room. You do? Well, he's not such a bad boy. It's really quite decent of you. Oh, that's all right. Well, kid. I guess I just didn't understand you, William. Oh? You know, once in a while, we grown-ups forget that we were kids once ourselves. Because I was a little different from you. I was more the fun-loving type. You were? Mm-hmm. Yeah, when I think of some of the pranks I pulled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the time in the third grade when I fixed a bucket of water over the door and the principal walked in. His toupee floated way down to the gymnasium. And then there was the time that, well, what do you know? William's asleep. Look at him. Funny how innocent all little kids look when they're asleep. Poor little fella. Ran away from home, carrying that big dictionary. All alone now. Shouldn't have been so harsh with him. Guys, he's sleeping like a baby. He's a sweetest little fella. Everybody knows Do-ing at his man with eyes so shiny blue. Is he all right, Harold? Yeah, I sang him to sleep. Isn't that sweet? You know, Mother, I made up my mind. I'm not going to turn that fine young boy over to the marshal. He's going to stay right here with us till we find his parents. Oh, I'm glad, Harold. Ever get this bucket off my head? I can't afford you to hop along Cassidy. For the second act of our story, Honest Harold in just a moment. It's Bing and Bob Hope and Judy Garland on the Bing Crosby show again tonight. It promises to be another great half hour with these three top entertainers on most of these same CBS stations just a little later tonight. By the way, listen for Harold Perry's important announcement at the end of our show. And now back to Honest Harold, the homemaker. Well, Honest Harold hoped he could win little William over with kindness. But a bucket of water dampened his hopes. And also dampened Honest Harold. It's the following morning now, and we find our disillusioned do-gooder on his way to work at the radio station. Well, my mind's made up. Got William locked in his room. As soon as I finish my program this morning, I'm going to turn him over to the authorities. Of course, it's kind of a mean thing to do. He's just a little boy. He did look kind of cute when he was asleep. He's probably just a scared, lonesome little kid inside. Maybe I ought to give him another chance at...nope. Why should I get sentimental about him? That fresh quiz kid. That bucket of water was a sneaky trick. My bathrobe shrunk so much I'll have to use it for a smoking jacket. Good morning, station KHJP. Yes, I'll tell him. Goodbye. Oh, good morning, Harold. I said good morning, Harold. Hello, Gloria. How do you feel this morning? Oh, I feel fine. Well, you ought to notify your face. Mark on your forehead. Oh, that's where the bucket hit me. Bucket hit you? I thought you looked a little pale. Please, I'm not in the mood this morning. Stanley, come into my office. I want to talk to you. But to be careful of the doors, you'll break the furniture out here. Sit down. Yes, Mr. Peabody. Not there. That's my chair. Oh, excuse me. If no one was his chair, they both have skinny legs. What's this I hear about you taking in a runaway boy? I didn't take him in. He... As station manager and your employer, it's my duty to keep you from making a fool of yourself if that's possible. I also have a responsibility to the owner of this station, my uncle, Mr. Aloysius Carruthers. Name dropper. Hemp, just what do you intend to do with this juvenile delinquent? Well, Stanley... Quiet. I am talking. I suppose in your usual blundering fashion you're going to do the wrong thing and get yourself in this station into a lot of trouble. But Stanley, I've decided... Quiet. I'm just trying to say a few words. A few words is a filibuster. If I know you, Hemp, you're just the kind of soft, sappy, sentimentalist who will want to keep this boy at your home. Now, if this little ruffian has turned over to the law, properly punished, he still has a chance to grow up to be a fine, normal man. Like me, for instance. Grow up like you. That did it. What? The boy is staying with me. Hemp, you're acting awfully strange about this. I think there's something rotten in Denmark. It's a lot closer than that. See you later, Stanley. Over for poor Mr. Gantz. Good old mother. She'll have Gantz in my pants. Pinky, for three hours? Yes, some people do that, you know. Oh, yes. The young horse and wells. I think we can dispense with the social amenities. I know you've decided to turn me over to the authorities, so let's get it over with, shall we? Well, William, I wanted to talk to you about that. I've changed my mind. I've decided to keep you here with me. That isn't until your parents come for you. Are they coming? Well, I told my listeners all about you on my radio program this morning. I imagine your parents will hear about it. And another thing, William, you're not going to be locked in anymore. But I'll put you on your honor. I know you won't run away. Oh, you do? Yes, sir. I believe that if you treat children fairly, show them that you really trust them, they won't let you down. Uh-huh. And do you know what I'm going to do, my boy? I'm going down to docky antsy the veterinarian and get you a little puppy. Now, how would you like that? Oh, yes. Uh, are you going right now? Oh, yes. Yes, I'll be nobody home. And I'm going to leave this door unlocked and the front door unlocked. If you wanted to, you could walk right out of the house. But I know you won't. Mr. Hemp, where is the highway leading out of town? I believe it's two blocks down the street. Yes, you can't miss it. There's a big gas station on the corner. Thank you very much. Oh, you're welcome. Well, see you later, William. Wanted to know where the highway was for her. He couldn't be thinking of running away. No. Even this dog a haircut. I'll talk to you about a puppy. OK, Harold. As soon as I finish trimming Pierre. That dog's name is Pierre? Oh, do you expect him to name a French poodle? Oh, Roulin? Or Eagle Feet will slide it. Oh, for heaven's sake. There's no way to talk to a French poodle. What? Oh, listen to me. Bonjour, Pierre. Parlez-vous, Francais? Is that short enough in the back, Pierre? Doc, I'm in a hurry. Awful, smart dog, this Pierre. You know, I just taught him how to eat American dog biscuits. Caught on like a flash. Why, he ate two boxes before I could finish one. Well, what do they call you, Doc Yack Yack? Look, I want to buy a puppy. You do? A puppy for you? No, it's for that little boy that's at my house. Oh, that young scallywag still there? Well, I thought you were going to turn him over to the law. I changed my mind. I'm keeping at my house till we find his parents. Well, Harold, you're an honest boy, but sometimes you're a little too soft hearted. What do you mean? Well, if that boy should run away, you'd be in a peck of trouble. He's not going to run away. That's a trouble with this world. Nobody trusts anybody anymore. Personally, I believe in the honor system. When I was in veterinarian college, they tried the honor system on us. Oh, how did work? Fine. The teachers have the honor and the students have the system. So, if you want my advice about the boy, Harold. Doc, all I want from you is a puppy. All right, if that's your attitude. Pick out anyone you want in the other room there. Thanks. You're welcome. But I still think you're acting like a lame brain. Don't you, Pierre? Oh, go back to Paris. You speak English, too. William will be a happy boy when he sees you. I'll bet you like him, too. He's a little hard to understand at first, but he's really a good boy. Well, here we are. You'll meet him in just a minute. We'll surprise him, huh, puppy? William! Probably still thinking. William! What's that on the map? A note. My dear Mr. Hemp, this is our reward. Goodbye to you. Thanks for giving me the directions to the highway, Honest Harold. William. Sorry, little puppy. Looks like he disappointed both of us. I thought you two would have a wonderful time together. I thought a lot of things, but I guess I was wrong. I just had the idea that if you showed a boy like him he'd have a kindness and understanding. Hello, Mr. Hemp. William! I got as far as the highway, and then I found I really didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave my friend. Your friend? Yes, you. I also want you to know that when I ridiculed you for your sentimentality, I was wrong. I must admit that I find sentiment a very necessary emotion. You see, I'm not used to it. Our family has always been somewhat... well, sophisticated. Oh, I see. I'm glad you came back. Here's a little present for you. Here, take it. Thank you. Thank you very much. Look, he's looking my face. Yes, he's sentimental, too. He's cute. Come in. How do you do, Mr. Hemp? Hello, William. Hello, Father. Mr. Peabody at the radio station gave me your address, Mr. Hemp. I know I appreciate what you've done for William. Oh, that's all right. Look, Father, I got a puppy. Oh, yes. I didn't know that you were so fond of dogs, William. Well, I've never had one before. No, that's right. I'm sorry I ran away. Oh, that's all right. I think your mother and I know now why you did. We love you very much, William. After this, we'll try to find more ways to let you know it. Mr. Hemp, there are a lot of things I'd like to say to you, but, well, thanks very much. Uh, don't mention it. Shall we go, William? All right. Goodbye, Mr. Hemp. Goodbye, William. You may call me Willie. Oh, well, thank you. Goodbye, Willie. Nice people. Gee, I feel good. I think I'll go down and try that water bucket trick on Stanley Peabody. You have just heard the Harold Perry show, Honest Harold, who returns in just a moment with an important announcement. The supporting players tonight included Catherine Card, Leo Cleary, Johnny McGovern, Ken Peters and Jack Moyles, and featured Gloria Holiday as Gloria and Joseph Kearns as Old Doc Yak Yak. Norman McDonnell directed and the music was composed and conducted by Jack Meakin. Honest Harold, created by Harold Perry, was written by Gene Stone, Jack Robinson, and Bill Dench. Now back to Harold Perry. Well, Bob, I'm still looking for that laughing lady. A lady that we can invite out here to Hollywood on our show some Wednesday evening. We'll fly her out on a TWA constellation, and while she's here in Hollywood, she'll live at that beautiful country club hotel. Now all she has to do is enter the Honest Harold Laugh Contest in her hometown. Oh, speaking of hometowns, mine is San Leandro, California, and they're having a big contest up there. Mayor William Swift has proclaimed October 20th Laugh with Harold Perry Day. They ran me out of there once, though. Just kidding, of course. So remember, ladies, wherever you are, the Laugh Contest may be going on right now in your hometown, so laugh. That's all. Just laugh. Oh, that's wonderful. Stay tuned now for the Bing Crosby show, which follows immediately over most of these same CBS stations. Oh, that's a good show. This is Bob LeMond speaking, and this is CBS, where you thrill to suspense every Thursday evening the Columbia Broadcasting System.