 Okay, today's episode, Kirsten and I are the only ones that have seen it, I think, and we just really enjoyed it because it starts out with a sincerity of the heart to get married, but unlike our community where there's all this support and joining and opportunity to work through grievances and unhealed issues before they actually get to the altar, so to speak, this wedding ceremony is actually used to flush up kind of like in the early days of and we had friends about 10 years ago that just them getting married, the parents didn't like it, and others just flushed up all this stuff in here, all of their grievances come up because of their commitment, and they can't really make the full commitment until some of these deeper abandonment issues are faced, and it's really funny because those of you seen touched by an angel, there's angels, Monica, Tess, and Andrew, and Monica is still an angel in training, so she's got this pure heart and beautiful words, but instead of just wearing her role lightly, she takes her role very seriously every time, and so in this episode she's a wedding planner and actually becomes a wedding planner and forgets she's an angel here to shine the love of God, so she's getting prompted throughout the episode didn't you forget something? Didn't you forget something? And she's like, what did I forget? I've got the cake. So it gets revealed what what it is she forgets in the end, so I think you care about it. Yeah, it's just very clear as it goes through. It's like you can't say yeast to God you can't say yeast to love, so you can't really even get married to a person while there's this deep hurt and belief that you've been abandoned by love or betrayed by love underneath. It would be just over the top and so the bride, she actually can't even make herself go through with it, something in her nose that there is a deeper call for healing that she has and so the wedding day is like it just brings it all to a head of everything that needs to be seen and faced just gets pushed up to the surface and it's so beautiful to see that just like for us there's a whole team of angels there to support them to go into the deeper healing together. It's not about a wedding and then half the group there are like the family members saying let's get on with the ceremony we're here for a wedding and the ones who are aware that you know this is about awakening, this is about relationship with God saying it's not about a wedding. There's something much deeper going on so it's very clear it's a very clear purpose episode. And even the angels who are miracle workers they don't know everything just like you're only given what you need to know because it's for healing you can't just step ahead and orchestrate what you think is supposed to happen. They say things moment by moment because those that need the healing have to speak and go through it. Allow it. It's the thing the healing has to be allowed so even though it's a wedding and on the surface of things you would want everything to go according to plan God's plan is healing. God's plan is awakening. It's allowing the healing to come up and so it doesn't go according to plan always. It doesn't look tidy so it's I love that they just give full permission and allowance for what it's really for. Now that was a good little synopsis for all of life. You have an event which this world has lots of events but then suddenly throughout the event we heard the words you need to forgive so that was an important first step right there because there were grievances grievances starting to fly grievances coming up and then there was a sense of an unwillingness to forgive and there was a fear underneath that and part of the fear was not knowing how to forgive like like was daunting like an overwhelming wall so even though the words were coming in there from Monica you need to forgive and even saying sometimes it's for yourself it's not for another person so the incentive should be there but there still was this fear about how and it seems like as it went on more and more the wedding was stopped and all the emotions came up and all kinds of other things started to swirl. There was something that was forgotten that had to be included a forgotten letter a forgotten invitation to invite God in which is really the awareness that you can't personally do it you need help to forgive you need God or the Holy Spirit to forgive and then it seemed to just spin in a way where they was out of their control out of their hands as it must be always in a recognition that it's out of our hands and then finally a very strong commitment like it they were both spoken through like the Holy Spirit the presence of God was invited in and they spoke through the commitment that didn't have anything to do with time didn't have anything to do with who was diagnosed with leukemia gripping up of the letter but it's finally that commitment and it's it's interesting that it cannot be difficult to do the tasks that Christ would have you do because it is he who does it it's Christ it's the Lord it's the strength of the Lord that is the how there is no earthly how there is it's not a personal responsibility it's not something you have to figure out all you have to do is open your heart to it a very short prayer here I am Lord it's a prayer of openness and here I am I'm here to serve I'm here to help I'm here to heal that's my only purpose that's my only function and that's an that's an honest prayer there's no pride in that prayer when you say here I am Lord and you mean it you feel so peaceful used to suddenly are open in alignment with love you could see it on their faces at the end the the sincerity the devotion you know it kind of just burst through both of them simultaneously when they were in a place of here I am Lord it's it's amazing to think that all we have to do throughout the day is just to hold that prayer in our heart like to step aside from all the busy running around and in this case it was all the wedding planning and the flowers and the cake and the relatives and the parking and logistics just go on and on and on and on and this is a world of temptation and distractions if you want it to be which you can bring an end to those distractions and temptation with one prayer here I am Lord the power of one prayer makes all distractions go silent makes all temptations silent because what do we know about the Lord the Lord cannot be tempted the Lord has overcome temptation the Lord has showed the strength that's available to us in our lives in our hearts by his demonstration and now you know it's up to us to say yes to that demonstration to say yes to that prayer some of you remember the Lord's prayer lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil deliver us we have been delivered but we have to accept it for ourselves we have to have that prayer right on our heart here I am Lord to stay in that prayer that's how we truly live that's how we feel the joy and the love and the peace and the passion is through that prayer and it's been said that prayers are answered it's more a question of be careful what you pray for is really you know we have we were created by God so we are powerful beyond measure to be created by God so it's like be careful what you pray for because prayers are answered you pray the prayer here I am Lord you're just getting your full focus and attention to really what you're here for and that's why you receive the blessing of it immediately and you prayed that prayer and if you've noticed your mind it's got pulled off onto some meaningless idol some temporary nothing that she'll surely pass away it's here today and gone tomorrow you can say whoa wait a minute there's this there is a prayer that I want to offer here I am Lord right now and that brings the peace right back and it's great this is it's great we have a beautiful marriage ceremony and then we have this because you know I think that marriages and relationships are it's a very important topic it can get you right down to the core of things in a hurry just like when Christmas time rolls around you know it's a symbol of the birth of Jesus and you know there's so many suicides there's there's so much intensity there's so many counseling calls there's so many reports of stress in families maybe families that haven't even been together the grievances have been simmering then they come together over the holidays they even make movies of that they make millions of dollars all they do is they bring a family together over the holidays and they get some good actors and actresses we have a good script it doesn't matter it's going to be a hit because because even watching those movies triggers starts to bring up those those emotions there's so pretty intense emotions around relationships in this case a father that was distant and that she had no contact with but you know there's a lot of intensity there and I think we should be grateful for these opportunities when that intensity comes up because that's really our opportunity to heal you know we can kind of push it out of awareness but when it finally comes into awareness then that's what this whole episode was about it couldn't be pushed away so you couldn't they couldn't just go through the motions and you know let's get it over with and you know it's not about the event it truly showed us it wasn't about the event of a marriage they even said it's not it's not about that ceremony marriage ceremony it's about the marriage the staying with what's in your heart what's important that's what is the focus the focal point so we have a roving mic here I'm pretty sure yeah tech support right there James has got it ready and if you have if you watch this episode or or even had emotions during the ceremony earlier that you the things started to come up and this this is the day for for the healing this is the day for the healing of those intense emotions I didn't have intense emotions but I think when I had to I had to laugh that's an emotion when she when he explained to his parents that she when he did the files was as if he was reading a phone book yeah I say that but like yeah I've been like that too I just get numb and like but then not knowing I had this in his relationship with Dennis and then this was like it's like you don't you don't care I don't care why don't I feel anything now this movie shows me that yeah I didn't trust before me and goes deeper because I saw I was in a relationship with Dennis but oftentimes I just acted out as if he was my father like I was like how can I have a relationship like as if he's my father and just before coming here I had this conversation with Gina and yeah about yeah yeah and it came about about that was about my father as well and last night I dreamt that my father was really angry like he he had hit me a couple times when I was younger yeah and I think that I felt like a bad girl I'm a good girl but I don't love don't love myself and be okay I dreamt that I yeah that my father was really aggressive in my yeah in my dreams he was really aggressive and then it turns out that he I was looking at him and he looked so confused after a while I have this fear of aggression so I I press my I don't want to feel my anger as well and you talked about that the other day how you pushed down the anger yeah I'm afraid of it but in my dream yeah my father was really aggressive and then I looked at him as if he was confused and this morning I thought like okay I don't have to fix anything I'll just give it over to the Holy Spirit so yeah when I could feel here while you were talking and doing the movie I feel like oh yeah it's about trusting God like I don't trust I want to but I have this fear and this movie showed me again like my father did it maybe a couple of times but I didn't I don't trust him like I want to I love him but at the same time I don't trust men and I could see like oh yeah it's for me to trust yeah to trust God like I give myself to him I can really feel like yes I'm ready I'm like yeah I can like yeah made it bow to him oh that's beautiful oh it's precious you took your bow today too yes yeah thank you thank you it's interesting that we were talking in there exactly about fathers and my father was very physically abusive and I left home at 15 so um I never went back home so I was telling her that eventually that God moved on my heart to forgive him for who he is he said I want you to forgive your father for who he is you were placed in that home for a reason because of who you are becoming and um that was a weird kind of a weird thing for me to be able to do but when I was finally able to do that it showed me that um I don't have to be a part of his anger and things like that anymore I don't have to be ruled by that anymore and then in a lot a lot of women we as women we we want that male role in our in our lives so we end up marrying the same type sort of and then you know ends up when after the other sometimes and ends up in bad relationships and we really just wanting our father to love us and so then when we look at God and he's it's called he's called a hymn it's very hard for women who've been abused by their father to embrace God because we see him as hymn as well so um I just think it's precious that she is able to do that today and then all tied in together and with marriage as well yeah it's beautiful it it is that we have these concepts and memories in mind and and they're the past so we're trying to relate as we move through life we still have those memories from the past and and we're it takes a lot of devotion to open up to a spirit that's neither male nor female that's that's pure I am this that's our destiny that's our true will and and Jesus used when he prayed he would talk about Abba father but but now we know that that God isn't male or female or masculine or feminine it's just love and we have to rinse our mind of all these concepts and attractions where we seem to replay the thing like you mentioned partner after partner or groundhog day just reliving the same day over and over stepping in the same puddles you know falling for the same traps it can be frustrating when you're aware of it when you start to see the repetition of it and you don't know how to stop it but that's what this was really about too the power of prayer the power of staying open to that guidance moment by moment is quite an adventure and so I really think that the vows that were shared that Nicola and you just shared is not really different from the vow that you shared it's the same vow you all have the same smile on your faces like you've just made a very important vow one that will carry you in a new way in a brand new way and keep things brand new always ever fresh and innocent and new not rehashing the past because that's no life to rehash the past or to search for someone to fill a perceived lack and have the same disappointment come over and over that's very sad and frustrating and it's not really God's will for us to go that way for me a wedding has always symbolized the end of separation the return to heaven um symbolically speaking what was separate is now joining in one and I've always thought it was it was very you know very very beautiful and uh you know I when I think about the way so many marriages go today the statistics are not kind they're not kind and uh you know what I witnessed out there today just the the authentic you know genuineness that you you can't fake I mean just just the love and the joy that I witnessed it's I could say it's inspiring but that doesn't describe it I really can't put words to it and I just want to say that you know what I've seen I'm so happy to be a witness to and my my prayers that used to stay together forever that's I just want to wish you the best I'm going to talk about why I was so upset I don't really know why I was so upset but um it seemed so sad to me that the mother manipulated the letters like that and it was just crushing for me that she didn't get to be where the father wasn't in her life like that I'm not really sure why that tore me up so much it just seemed really sad like something was lost like there was I I think I believe in loss that um as we can talk about that it it would be sad and it would be hurtful if if manipulation had a had a reality to it in other words I think when I think of manipulation I think of control and really this whole episode was was a total let go of control you know the angels had to let go of control it it kept going that way even the angel of death who was doing the filming test was saying get out of my face you know she didn't like that there Monica was trying to do her job but then she said you're ruining my wedding when you invited the father because from the perception this was like a father that had not been there and now you're ruining who invited him I was just doing what I was said to do you know so it's the spirit is behind all the symbols of the world and brings in all the ingredients brings in everything we need just to find that forgiveness just to find that innocence and then the hurt can come in is when you start to look at it from like a time perspective like oh she was robbed of years and years and years robbed of a loving relationship with her father because someone else hid something or manipulated something or controlled something but if we actually go into that manipulation more and more you can see there's feelings of betrayal that come in there's rage under this belief in manipulation and control as if one could control another one could prevent love and God is really teaching us that we have to lift that up we have to get past this idea of victimization because there's always hurt and always pain with victimization and in the Bible it says you know all things work together for good for those who love the Lord we're back to here I am Lord as soon as they open up as soon as they open up to God they invite God in at the end as soon as they open up and start to feel that love activate in their hearts then then it clears and and so that's great that you can observe that that's what we want you to do when we show an episode just to watch you could feel it in yourself you know this hurt and and then as you go through that healing then it opens up your whole life a new gives you new opportunities to to love and to extend love to be an agent of God you know on earth extending it's which is really what you want that's what you're praying for yeah but I'm glad that you were able to get in touch with that because it would be sad if manipulation was was the fact of it we just have to really lift that up and then I wanted the father to get to walk down the aisle I had a huge attachment to that outcome but the mother get she like did that to her the whole life and that revenge or something I don't know well you know that's the fun part of watching a movie together or episodes because if you go around with the mic you know people say I wanted this to happen I wanted that to happen and really Christ is saying to us if you really look at your own mind it's pretty wacky because there's a lot of different outcomes that may you may even be thinking of the conflict with each other which you think I think well actually I kind of mind it no you know it's like we're not sure actually what outcome we actually want if we're honest we start to see that it's pretty wacky in there and then that's why we need the healing you know that's why we're here that's why we have relationships that's why we make commitments a relationship is a commitment a diet is a commitment the yoga practice is a commitment going to job to a job and working and showing up on time of whatever days or hours you're supposed to work is a commitment we're given these little mini assignments and commitments by God to strengthen our own integrity our own alignment with spirit and so it's important to not push those assignments away and that could be part of what Levy talked about like when you know when Dennis was there there was an assignment but at least you can notice that you were kind of afraid of something and numbed out and now you're getting tired maybe it had a lot to do with my relationship with my biological father which is still in memory it's not like he's physically even present but in thought in memory he was there and then that gets put on to Dennis and then there's a numb kind of feeling and then it can be reflected back like don't you care I love you so much don't you care you know it's it's that's how it goes and it gives us a great opportunity to heal the truly crack open and live and love so it's it's beautiful it's I just have such a gratitude for the opportunities we get so many so many opportunities thank you welcome is it on if I can use marriage as a symbol of a relationship that's what I got out of that movie for me the focus on finding forgiveness finding a relationship with God through a relationship with the other whether it's husband wife or my parents you know for being here for a week so far all these relationships are coming up and they're all becoming real mirrors for me personally and I think you mentioned it in the film touchdown at the end but it wasn't really the focus of the film but it was very important to see that the the the groom said to the wife to the yes to the bride this is about you this isn't about your mother or your father or siblings or whatever you had you felt like you needed to forgive them but it seems like it's on the planet it's becoming more and more a focus that I need to do forgiveness I need to forgive it's personal responsibility and it's becoming more clear in my life as a the focus on my in my spiritual life now is on becoming more conscious of my own decision to hold grievances or grudges or sins against the other and then finding and within myself and and this is really helping me to see that it's no more a focus on you know who did something to me but more about me and God and that's where I'm finding it so helpful the world is kind of disappearing and it's more about and then of course I'm feeling like I'm disappearing very really you know so and you're all helping me to stay focused on this can stay focused you know no it's not over there I think I see it over there it's like it's really coming around back it always comes back to me and I see that you have a lot of helpers here huh yeah everywhere and then I then I'll go back and get some clarity by talking to the person the last thing I want to do and and then I'll say what is this what you meant and come up all of a sudden find out that's not really what they meant that was my projection or perception um so this is so powerful I can't tell you I can't even figure out how I haven't figured this out in the last 15 years since I first met you David and others um but it took me to get away from my world back east to really and get away from my job family friends selling my house you know almost getting rid of everything to you know stuff things that I identified myself with to get back to my relationship with with God and then I can have fun rather than holding grudges with everyone I meet you know I don't know if I really have a question but that of course the question that part I was like what is that question and all I could think of was the answers in the question and uh inviting God in for everything this was a real burden for the first three days here was like because it kept on it seemed like it was like I don't and I remember doing this you know many years with this idea I was like I don't you know you called it metaphysical ghosting I think I heard it brought up and that really helped me because I've been doing that and staying focused on the relationship what's really going on and dealing with it not stuffing it down but really dealing with it and so many here have helped me to stay focused on it so that's it's a it's like a training it's a because it's easy to like just think you're doing it right and you can't you can't do this alone I am convinced I'm sold on that there's one experience I'm learning here is in a very few and I think you got somewhere with it I don't I don't know about your personal actual you somehow were able to throw yourself out there in a way that's been very learning for me but I don't think most humans are able to do that if that's what you did I don't know but maybe you had companions there that you just arranged your saint an angel so that's that was great I was like how an angel can make a mistake you know she's like what is it I'm supposed to be doing here she's like I'm just trying to make a wedding happening happening everyone's been keeping us all focused and it's it's such vigilance it takes to stay focused on we're not just here about putting these banners up and and the wedding cake I loved when I saw the wedding cake the focus obviously for them was not on the externals you know even the flowers I thought maybe you picked them out of the ground or something but it was still beautiful you know it's like don't get sidetracked by the by all the by the form the the wedding ceremony and all that and I've seen that so many times from my background and experiences yeah your mind goes with you wherever you go so you know you're able to hear from from the far east that sounds good but it came from hell part of in the far east and then the same you know exactly the relationships show up and then you talk about selling your house and letting go of your job but but Ken was a woodworker and there was wood all over I mean it's like it's like you it's all spirit the spirit's like here it's like giving you those old symbols and it's like saying let everything be made new let everything be made new just have a fresh moment a fresh start with everything there's a lightness to that that's what we want we don't want to be tied down to our past and finally feel like a new creation yeah that's great I can see it on your face you're smiling more than ever I got me interested in the wedding cake I gotta see it before it's all carved up see what Ken was talking about there it was from our usual very excellent supplier supplier our usual supplier the free store food bank the party that affected me in the movie was where she was trying to write her vows and she said that how can you write your vows when you have hate in your heart and that was so big for me because I keep thinking okay I'm giving my life to God whatever I'm giving I'm I'm gonna give it over whatever and then I think oh but is there still something there that I'm still hanging on to I'm still blaming somebody I'm still and then I think well that's maybe my block that I can't write my vows because I can't I have to do some more forgiveness or yeah release that so I that was a big thing for me in that movie I thought yeah that could be it you know I just have to start looking more and more at who I'm not forgiving and who I choose to keep hanging on to and who uh yeah who and uh I'm so pleased to be with you guys for this day and that's all I got to say yeah yeah I think it's so important because we talked about how like lovey talked about pushing the the hatred down like it's frightening because and I know so many people who tell me that like well I don't like repression and I don't like the now but I'm not letting that be stepped because I don't like it's not going to be pretty if it comes up but um really that's what the spirit is is telling us that that you you can't be free of it until you're willing to look at the full extent of your own self-hatred you will not be willing to let it go and that's an important idea until you're willing to look at the full extent of your own self-hatred you will not be willing to let it go so that can be a little scary but it's also helpful to be pointed in the right direction and uh I don't know if you remember that Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia did a movie years ago when a man loves a woman remember that's a when a man loves a woman it's a great movie because she seems to be the one that's got the addiction issue and so it seems like she's the one in the relationship with the problem but then when she goes through 12 steps and she opens up to her mighty companions and she starts to heal and she heals and she heals and she heals and she's got men friends that are part of the program that are like really helping her like her husband will say okay I have a little time and I really have to call so and so she's she's right in the healing process and she realized it's taking her in a beautiful direction but she has to let go of all that stuff of conventions how much time I'm spending whether to her friends or male or female all the typical things because she's she's been an addict and she wants to be free of that and then she heals and then suddenly the Andy Garcia character it starts to be like where he's hanging on all of his jealousies it was always her problem her problem her problem he was never looking inside he was never taking responsibility for his state of mind and that's part of why relationships can be so filled with heartache it's the codependent aspect it's the I want you to rescue me you know like John Wayne come riding in the man or the woman come riding in and save me and it's as if there's such a self-hatred that still had held on to within the personality self that it's like well if I could just find my other half that'll solve it but it doesn't work that way in fact there was a great great family therapist you might have heard of John Bradshaw he's an excellent family therapist and he said most people think that relationships are one half plus one half equals one and he says only problem is it's a multiplication sign there in the middle one half times one half equals one fourth you feel like the one fourth you you think you fall in love and you're going to go through this relationship with your other half to complete you and you don't realize it's a big scam it's a scheme that you can't actually achieve it that you will never find that one half times one half equals one because it's multiplication you'll feel like that fourth and you'll think you're so unworthy and so deficient and then you might start singing that Eric Carmen song never going to fall in love again I don't want to start with someone new because I'm a one fourth now and I don't want to be in one eighth or one sixteenth so you see if you know if you really are are down on yourself you're thinking oh I messed it up I done the one one half times one half I'm a one fourth then I do the one fourth times one fourth and I'm now a one sixteenth it's like okay I'm entering the convent and well I still have something left I still have a I still have a sliver left so maybe I give it back to God you know here I got a one sixty-fourth can I still come back to heaven but actually what John did he always like I told you Jesus comes through with the positive he said no it's actually this is the equation one times one equals one you have to come from your own wholeness you have to come from your own confidence in God you have to come from your own joy and that's what holy relationship is when you are coming from your wholeness your healing your completeness your confidence then you've got something to give you can take your one and multiply it with the one and you still have one and you've always been one because there's only one yes to whom God has joined together in creation man cannot put asunder that's what the teaching is that's the great marriage teaching whom God has joined man cannot put asunder you can't split up the one you were never a half you were never a fourth never a sixteenth it was all part of a belief in lack that somehow you were separate from God and if you have a belief that you're separate from God what else but prayer here I am Lord joining with God saying be with me come into my relationships come into my life come into everything just just come and and show me the way guide me lead me and we can't we can't hide our light so don't put your light under a bush or you can't you can't hide it some of us had grown up and we had a joy or a passion as a child to sing you were saying nine years old you were already singing country in bars in bars but you love to sing and then you marry the son of a preacher man and I did but I had several marriages before him you're the one at the well and you said that you were you were told though in that marriage that particular marriage that I don't want you singing country yeah he told me he took my identity away from me you know as a child really um that's what I was meant to to do I just picked the guitar up one day and it was just in there in me so when I married um when I married this son of the preacher man which I did write a song about by the way it's called married the preacher man I'm not want to watch it on youtube it's pretty funny but anyways I my thought process was um all right I have been married to the um I've been a childhood bride to get away from my dad you know I purposely when they found me you know as a runaway and put me back with my father I purposely said the first guy that takes a trash out I'm marrying him you know in a trailer park and seriously that's what I did and it was a horrible mistake he was a way worse abusive than my father but I had my daughter with him and you know of course that didn't last and so then anyway by the time I make a long story short by the time I got to the preacher man I thought now this has to work because he's so far from what I've always chosen right it has to work God's involved and the problem was he um I call it defrauded me because he didn't tell me that he was uh he was bipolar and he um had grown up you know with with bipolar and who should be on medication whatever and and his thought process which is correct in some aspects was I'm healed you know I'm totally healed and um I don't need to take that but there's a manifestation of healing I you know I mean if it's not manifested and you're abusing your wife and you're like this you know there's something wrong you know with that and so that damaged me 13 years of that damaged me uh me Christianity and churches you know we get out in the parking lot and we bet I just leave wonderful praise and worship service and we'd be at each other's throats in the parking lot and so that back and forth deal it damaged me in a lot of ways so I when I did leave him two years ago I ran as far from Tennessee as I could to Idaho where my family are and so for two years I've been going through a process of everything being stripped away from me everything which is um the best thing that can happen to me but yet it's the most hurtful and the most um humbling in the most emotionally stripping you know I've always been the strong one no matter what I've gone through I've always my sisters say oh my god she's so strong I've never seen anybody like her but I felt so weak yesterday it was so weak that I was ready to check myself into mental hospital before I contacted you and when I contacted him it's like I don't even know it was quick he called me and I was shocked because Christian leaders don't do that I mean they don't not in the church I can contact a Christian leader about my marriage and say please help me and I wouldn't get an answer for a week later so that it shocked me whenever he called me it's like almost immediately within what 30 or 45 minutes or something and then it all worked out whether they were able to come here yeah it's such a clearing too because because we you have gifts that that can be used in a far greater plan and and you know that inside and and everything that seemed to hurt us or damage us or be hold us back or however we look at it we have an opportunity to kind of empty our heart out empty ourselves out and say okay god I'm I want to be used by you for your glory for the good of everyone and then that's when things start to turn around that's when we we don't need so much to rely and lean on other people or even lean on relationships but we can let the spirit bring them as a blessing and then we can always give the glory to god so we so we don't have that dependency that's it's on the flesh it goes more and more to the spirit but it's great you took a lot of courage just to reach out and to write that email you know to search online and say okay here I am in you talk right up first one I'm like okay this looks interesting this is because I am like not I have a religious bone in my body you know so I'm so like more open to like you know I know there's more than just what I've been taught you know and I want to know I'm the type of person it's like a bulldog I want to know what it is I want to know why I'm here I want to accomplish what I'm supposed to accomplish and I want to be I want to to to do everything I'm supposed to do before I go and I pray that every day I have a lot of health issues and I pray every day God not going anywhere until I've accomplished what you've put me on the earth for and it's funny that you write you say here I am because I wrote a song called here I am or take me here I am take me wherever you want me to go and so that that witness to my spirit I really appreciate you mentioning that always but always we always had a resident singer and at four o'clock in the morning Ricky got up and was Sarah took her and put one on a plane one on a plane swooped down over to pick the next one up and brought her out here even have the same same guitar keys and like I just put this on a plane there is there is like that's about it you're like the monica the the irish angel going okay lord whatever you got oh drop one singer off and oh they got the same guitar case that's a nice little touch there but you know it starts from a higher perspective you see how wonderful it is because it's beautiful Ricky actually had been out here and had been helped preparing for this and then she was getting she was time for her to go back to our campus place because she's going touring for anywhere between a month and two months and she had to gear her mind up and get prepared for that tour and everything and so it was like one out and one in this music we love music we love live music we love music from the heart it's it sues our soul you know it's it's it's a big part and and I do see it that that's how it's like God just providing for all of us it's a blessing for all of us it's a blessing you could feel the blessing right away but that's how it works we just have to trust it we have to trust that without trying to control it or or figure it out it's just going to happen to us if if that's a prayer of our heart it's beautiful I do want to say this the song um it actually I was taught something today about selfishness because the song that I wrote I thought that was about me when I wrote it about this is about my forever love you know all this kind of stuff that one you know once even after she's been married many times and hasn't found it just being honest right so when I wrote it I thought it's so beautiful beautiful two weeks two weeks ago and it has to be about me more you know and so then when I when you guys were doing your vows I was like crying and I sing this song Lord told me you were selfish this song was not for you or them so you need to put aside your selfishness sing this song for who you wrote it for and like wow you know that is just how God works yeah I just I just had this occurrence when um your she and you were sharing how on the internet and David popped up first and it's been for a while now part of our task was you know engine searching doing this doing this am I are we like promoting something are you trying to sell something it feels like a company a business and I've joined with um a couple of people and they're doing this non-stop and they're just losing it and I'm like I don't know what anything's for like we really don't and yeah you showing up this is just a witness like there's a call for help and it's just spirits coming in through so fast yeah no delay hey yeah you just go wow I don't know what anything is for I think it's sitting on a computer transcribing something or we don't know like the calling is out there so strong now but yeah it's just coming in so the prayers are answered the internet the powerful tool so quick exactly it was so quick yeah it was being used by spirit it's like Ricky she actually when we just got this monster going I guess it's been going like seven years now the center and it wasn't it was probably going a couple two or three years and then we got this email from Ricky and she's like yeah what's going on I'm in Nashville and I've written all these songs and but my career's not taken off and and I don't know what it's for and this and this and this and she's a strong woman too she's very powerful voice very strong but she started to be like more taken down to her knees like like she's going to be a rock star and hit all these things her sister's like did you get that big break yet oh I'm with you and you get that big break but she found herself in a motel room with her guitar and her dog and this course of miracles book and that's it and she just was like okay is this where's this going to go then she told me she wrote I always used to get at least I could get a restaurant gig I could get always fall back if I couldn't get a singing gig I could always get a waitressing gig and then she would start writing likes what is up I seem like I'm just in this motel room and I'm it's like a real prayerful time but it's like things are being taken away like the doors are all closed there's nothing not even a waitressing gig she says is something up something's happening something's going on and then some months went by and she wrote another email and then I called her and I said I think you should come and so she said okay I'm in Nashville I got to sell some guitars and and I've got to find what to do with my dog and then I'm I'm going to visit my family because they're in Florida and Louisiana and so forth and I'm coming she got a little CRV Christ remembrance vehicle and she hopped in and she sold her guitars and she came out in her little CRV and she came here and then it was it was tough because she had done an album she actually had a CD but then she I said great I'd love to sing me something oh my you got a great voice well send me your CD so she sent me the CD and then the next time I talked to her she said before you listen to it I said well I already have she said oh god because there's one song I don't want you to hear because there's some lyrics that I just don't want them to go in your ears and I said oh you mean that song where you say saying I want to walk through walls and still get laid she goes I gave her the exact lyrics that she didn't want me to hear on the phone she's like oh my god that's the thing I didn't want you to hear and you're giving it right back to me so but anyway she came out and and that began like unloosening of emptying out letting go of pride and and she kept thinking I want to sing sing for the lord and right she's a songwriter write songs but there was so much purification they had to happen I don't know what was it like three three years it's about three years of purification and then I think she was out here at the monastery where she started to put down these lyrics and or make a song from something that Suzanne had written and it started her kind of ignited her of being used in a very very direct way my god now she travels around and she sings and she witnesses and she is transparent and shares her stories and sings her songs and it's all beautiful and and so it's beautiful that how it works and it is interesting because with all the different things we're doing with SEO and this and this and then for me to pop right up there in that answer that the spirit has to use the symbols so people can find their what's in their heart of course it's got so many symbols going to movies and music she's she's the queen of of symbols she's she's a track yeah she's a tracky she's pitch she's rolling them in send them in as fast as they'll come actually the first first day here I thought okay I'm gonna do what Nicholas said you should start writing them down so I go to bed and I think I got seven down from the first day and thought oh this is going to be way too burdensome and really there's been dead things day after day the movie the peaceful warrior I woke up at the spirit woke me up at 515 am you know six o'clock is early enough at 515 and word of the day is trash like are you kidding look up the word trash the theme for today is trash I said oh I better do that bathroom that's my duty to take my garbage out and then when we're watching the way of the peaceful warrior take out the trash you know I had a hint of thought that it might be something like that but I just wasn't watching for it and boom so I was glued to the movie trash in your mind right that was boom yeah it was whole different connotation that you thought I've had lots of votes here I just want to say something following on what Portia said I was in the casita in the Casa de Malagros with a group and I was just telling them or I guess we had just seen the movie there and that same line came well Tia we got to take the trash out of our minds that's the whole thing remove the obstacles to God's presence and then we hear this creature breaks right outside the the building and the guys call it basura which is trash in Spanish perfect timing coming at you every angle when you're ready it's coming at you to a theater near you your mind that's the closest theater it was today was very fan from the mic I don't know why but it started at 3 30 in the morning and took Ricky and you know there's been this real experience lately of any idea of knowing anyone our friendships or anything even though there's so much love here and all for the last six months or so it's been a real releasing of persons and the idea of persons and to Ricky and I had just a really joyful trip in it was very high and in purpose and we were just very joined in our function we realized that if if for one split second we thought there were two people who loved each other in the car we could end up in Reno by accident because you know the energy of that was that excitement energy which is not the same as the still deep you know and we both were having that same healing all summer so we were very willing to stay and get her on the right lift off but to come and pick you up because remember I've been driving it's dark and I've been looking front on hearing a voice beside me and that a national style voice like yours the same tempo as yours the same case the exact same thing and how this really strange feeling after I put Ricky on the curb and said goodbye I was like that's it I don't understand that like if this feels I remember I said something like say hello to the boys it was something like bizarre like like a person lying and I'm like strange and I got in the car and and then and I've had this experience with with you to this summer too where I had to say oh gosh you know I can't have a thought of how much I love you as a friend anymore can afford it because this experience that's coming in and she asked me to take the photos today and everyone in this community knows that I'm hard to get any photos because I've taken most of them so I couldn't do it anymore I said I really just want to sit and watch you get married I really just want to sit we just watched Walter Mithy and he didn't take the picture of the snow leopard when they tracked up to the top of somewhere in Afghanistan and they sat there and so this morning when I turned to him I just said I just I just don't want to watch the snow leopard and he said that's okay and it was so it was just so great because this willingness to release each other even from the helpfulness or something and and again with my mighty companion here like I surrendered my Monica being any kind of a wedding planner even though my heart leaps at those thoughts I couldn't do anything for you we had this talk it was all given for you to do the things that I generally would think I would love to do and it was my greatest pleasure to watch myself myself do everything with the exact love of just watch myself do everything and like I felt like I got to have the lesson of this touched by an angel sequence today already by setting back and then joyfully the camera arrived in my hand anyway and photos appeared but I didn't I still had my leopard moment so I don't know it's just everything was given and I just that's all I want I just want to surrender this idea of my myself more and more and I just really grateful for all the opportunities and the reflections and yeah that's all thank you sir this was the snow leopard day for all of us really beholding