 Is it love, or are you just a useful tool? It's a terrible question to ask, but a truth we should all know how to look out for. Admit it, we're not perfect and sometimes we can be blindsided by love. Are you the only one who gives time and emotion, or are you only thinking that way right now because you're upset? Are you asking them for too much, or are they truly ignoring you? To help you answer these questions, let's look to see if you're in a love shack or a toolbox. Number one, disinterest. What was that? I wasn't listening. Does talking to them feel like you're talking to a wall? Maybe you said you were hungry and got, uh-huh, and nothing else, so you ended up eating alone. If you feel like they don't know anything about you and aren't even interested in knowing about you, especially if they could be replaced by an object like a flower pot that says, uh-huh once in a while, that's most definitely not love. If you have a partner who suddenly stops caring about the simple day-to-day things, this is also another form of disinterest that warrants a closer look. Ask yourself, are you being loved, or are you just a placeholder labeled partner? Number two, when expectations go supernova nuclear. The legendary wordsmith William Shakespeare even said, expectation is the root of all heartache. Sure, we have some expectation basics that are essential, like basic chores, or being able to discuss matters calmly, and that's good. Red flag time is when those expectations become weirdly unattainable and never good enough to the resentment of your partner. It can feel like they're expecting you to be some sort of wizard, magically able to produce whatever fancy they can think of. This demonstrates their distorted understanding of other people, reality, and their own part in the relationship. You're human, not a fictional character. Number three, boundaries, they see no stink in boundaries. Have your loved ones trampled over a boundary they've clearly delineated time and time again. Perhaps you let it go once or twice because they laughed it off as, hey, just try this thing, it'll be fun, or don't be so hurt, it was just a joke. Looking back though, you realize you've already told them several times, seriously. I tried it, I don't like this, and it's not a joke. Yet they still shrug and steamroll on in the same fashion. They deem their desire worth your degradation. Silence is being equivocated as agreement, so you'll have to speak up. If, after a confrontation, the response is still, come on, it's not a big deal, or you don't really care about me. You're not a person, you're a tool. Number four, the relationship feels one-sided and imbalanced. The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. Henry Boyle. All relationships have their own dynamics. The give and take may not be 50-50, and in fact rarely is so cleanly, evenly split, going back and forth over time. At the heart of it though, there is still both a give and take from all parties in the relationship. So if the dynamic feels like only one partner is doing all the things whilst the other sits back and merely reacts to what is handed to them, it's not a relationship, it's a master and servant. Look out for imbalance and goals as well. If they're affectionate enough but are disinterested or even annoyed when the future is brought up. Number five, everyone and everything owes them. One does not get something for nothing, and yet this person seems to expect exactly that. You hear them rant about owed privileges, recognition and rewards, yet you know they haven't done a single thing to earn them. If you're with someone like that, chances are they believe that this is how relationships work too. Just for the honor of being with them, you're expected to love them and do anything and everything they desire without them lifting a finger to give love back. Number six, relationships are meant to grow, evolve and mature. You may settle on a type of rhythm, but you're always finding a renewed hope and pleasure in your time together. If the relationship doesn't even reach that point or stays immature, start to question what exactly is happening. After over a decade of living together and you've been trying to discuss marriage with someone since year two, if on your 11th anniversary you get a little promise ring, it's time to have a serious sit-down. If instead of growing and maturing, you find that it's only their bad habits rubbing off on you and you're learning nothing, they might simply be keeping you stagnant, so they have an excuse to not grow either. Number seven, navigating a minefield is easier than talking to them. Can you talk to your partner about anything, or is it more likely that your comment means the spikes come out and they go DEF CON 1 on you? If you share a frustration about the relationship and they dismiss your feelings, maybe even claiming you're defective in some way, or that you're too sensitive, what they're really saying is, I don't want to take accountability for anything. They're using you as the scapegoat for all their poor behaviors, enabling their ongoing lack of effort in maturing. And number eight, they act differently behind closed doors. This one is distressing because your friends and family think this person is so wonderful, so good for you, because in front of them this person is wonderful to you. Your family and friends just can't imagine that once the door to your home closes, your wonderful partner whips off the facade, revealing the condescending, dismissive, overly critical goblin underneath. You're being used as a prop in public. This Jekyll Hyde partner is using you to enhance their self-esteem by boosting their public image. If you feel used, it's worth the time to analyze why you feel that way. It might be due to a transient moment or bad day, but it could also be a signal for you to care for yourself and look at repeated behavior. If you do come to the conclusion that you're being used, perhaps speak with your partner about it and pay careful attention to what happens next. Is it a misunderstanding? Are they remorseful? Have you noticed something you're doing yourself? Relationships are a very complex stance, but remember it's always between individuals, not a person and a tool. Did any of these remind you of something or someone? Do you recognize any of these points? Feel free to discuss and share. Catch you next time.