 I'm Jason McKenzie, I'm originally from Bathmaid, currently residing at Crystal's House. I'm 45 days older. Hi, welcome to another episode of Recover Loud. I'm your host, Mike Paddleford, and I Recover Loud. I'm here to speak about the pain. Recover Loud to normalize the disease that's been killing all my friends and my family. The time is now to let it all go and recover loud. The benefit is healthy people, family and friends that never have to overdose. Ever again, never have to plead out to a lesser defense. I'm proud to say that I Recover Loud. I never thought I could, but I'm so proud that I discovered how to live my life again, controlling my own destiny. I needed recovery. I still needed desperately. Addiction never defined my destiny. I Recover Loud here to tell my own story. I Recover Proud, save a life of like 40. I Recover Loud, yeah. I Recover Loud. I Recover Loud, yeah. I Recover Loud. I Recover Loud here to tell my own story. I Recover Proud, save a life of like 40. I Recover Loud, yeah. I Recover Loud. I Recover Loud, yeah. I Recover Loud. Hi Jay, welcome to the show. I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with us. You mentioned you're staying at Christopher's home and if anybody has been following me on Facebook, I'm the living manager here and you're one of the guys I get to support. You mentioned 45 days so far? Yes, 45. So how often does that happen for you in the past? I don't even think I can count one time. You have had periods of sobriety and how far did you make it before? I think my max of sobriety time is 27 days. When you were out using, what kinds of things were you doing? What was your drug of choice? Originally I started off with alcohol. That was for a long period of my life and then I found crack cocaine. How long would you say you were using crack? I started last November. I ended up going to jail for a small step and then I got back out and I made it through the summer and then I would say around October of last year. So that was the most recent drug that you were using? Correct. And when you picked up crack, what was that doing for you? For me, for the crack I switched over from alcohol because alcohol controlled my life and it made me do things that was out of my control because I'm a blackout drinker. So when I found crack cocaine, it covered up the same things I wasn't trying to deal with or feel without the consequences because I can kind of control my actions. And with crack you weren't blacking out? Absolutely not. Yeah, so did you feel like you were doing things that you couldn't control still even with the crack? Yeah, absolutely. I never had something grasping me so hard as cocaine and alcohol. I mean, yes it was addictive but it wasn't nearly as close to the crack. So for that last period where you were using, how bad did it get? I got to the point where I needed it every day and then I happened to find another substance which was meth which was even more controlled and even more addictive and that's when my life really swallowed out of control. How far down did it get? I got to the point where I was living on the streets of Lewiston for a few months and destroying everything in a way. Mainly relationships. So when you say you were living on the streets, was that actually physically on the streets? Yeah, it was definitely physically on the streets. Going like days and days out, showers, just struggling to get the next eye. And where would you actually find to sleep? I was living on the streets, different cubby holes and whatever I could find, like doorways and just random places. Now, had alcohol brought you to that point ever before? Absolutely not. Drinking alcohol was, I don't know, I grew up, I grew up like, I don't even know, I can't even explain it. Alcohol never dragged me down like that. So speaking of growing up, where was it you grew up? Originally I grew up in Bath Main but we relocated because my mom thought it would be a good idea to relocate because my dad was in a hot, so we ended up moving to Randolph where I grew up, the majority of my life. And Randolph's right down the street from us here, so this is your stomping grounds. So at what age did you move over this way? I think I was early, I was probably 14, 15. I ended up leaving Randolph because I felt like I didn't fit in with the other kids, so I ran to Augusta. And I found a crowd that I fit in with and that's where I resided. Yeah, and was that a good crowd? Yeah, for a short time, I ended up in the youth center. Okay, so how long were you in the center then? And that was around what age? I would say 14, and then from 14 to 18, pretty much the whole time I was in the youth center. So you were raised at the youth center. So did you ever graduate high school? No, I never graduated high school. My story led to the youth center and I went through a lot of abuse. And then straight from the youth center, I think it was 17, 18, they found me over and I did two and a half years in prison. And that's pretty much where my life been since, from 18 right up to 42. I've got a majority of my life in prison and that's what I'm dealing with today. So yeah, from 14 to 17, youth center, 18 to 40 in prison. So you haven't really had a whole lot of time to live on your own? No, not at all. And my main focus is being here at the Christmas house is trying to get my life back on track and learn as an adult how to provide for myself. And yeah, just learning how to be an adult, I guess. What were some of the things that you did that led you to prison? Oh man, my drinking, my drinking is definitely the cause of the time I've spent. It started out like petty stuff, starting to steal beer or whatever it was that I needed or a clothes. Because I've lived on the streets as a child too, as a kid, as a teenager, I was running the streets. So I just petty theft. So you said you were living on the streets basically and cast as well? Yeah, I bounce around for people's houses and lived on pretty much sidewalks and steps and whatever I'm fine. And where was your mom at? My mom at the time, I had no clue with all the youth center time. I remember one day my mom saying I was in the youth center just coming to visit. And she said that, remember this, I'll stick through you this one time. I did like four months in the youth center and she stuck with me. And she said it'll never happen again and she made that truth the whole time. So once you got in trouble again, she wasn't there to support you. I did pretty much 25 years well. My mom and dad and any of my family, no letters, no phone calls. So that whole time you were in prison, you didn't have family supporting you, writing your letters? None. Nobody visiting you? No. Yeah. I mean, and I can just imagine, you know, I spent a very short amount of time in prison, 10 months. And I had support. My family was sending me money. You know, I was getting letters from my grandmother and some friends back home. And that's really what helped carry me through that time. So to spend that much time without having any outside contact, you know, I'm sure that caused some trauma in itself. Yeah, definitely. So then when you got out on the streets, when you got out, were you being released into programs or were you just coming out without... Pretty much they just boot you with a $50 game money and then they send you on your way. And $50 game money, they don't go far. The first thing I would buy was probably a $30 rack in the back of the area. My routine was two or three months out on the streets and then right back to prison. So when you were released, did you have a plan? Did you have somewhere to go each time you got out? Were you headed somewhere? No, I think that's one of the reasons why I beat myself up because all the dead time I did when I could have furthered myself, whether it was education or just preparing myself to get out. It's pretty much sat around watching TV and let life let the time go by. And that's one thing that you've been working on here is finding things to do that are going to make tomorrow a better day for you. Without a plan, without resources, without support. I'm not sure what the system expects people to do at that point. The recidivism rate is so high because they're not offering people a plan, a program, support and resources when they get out. It's really difficult for somebody like you who didn't have family, if you didn't have that support on the outside or destination. So you mentioned alcohol, room, relationships. What's your relationship history like? My relationship history? Did you have any long-term relationships? Yeah, actually I had a nine-year relationship with my kid's mother. The whole nine years, most of it was self-destructive because my kid's mother was an alcoholic or addict and I was the alcoholic. And the destruction of that relationship lasted for nine years. So that's some of the guilt I hold on to today. Yeah, and that's something we all do. When we're using, we drink and it destroys things and we feel bad about it and we use and we drink some more. And in recovery, we have to face those things. And we can do things today to make that better, to repair those relationships. How old is your daughter today? My daughter is nine. And when was the last time you got to see her? I saw her a few weeks ago when she was coming up for a visit. And before that, how long had it been? It's been a few months, but before that it's been multiple years because I've been so caught up with my own emotions and things I'm dealing with and my addiction. I had no focus, I focus on everything, but that was the most important thing to me is my daughter. And building that relationship today is one of your goals and you're working on that. And that's one of the things that I got to get back was the relationship with my kids. My kids were always with me, but I was using all the time. I was high all the time. And they didn't necessarily know what was going on in the house, but when they found out later on, they connected all those dots and the resentments built. And I had my one son Dylan that joined the Marines for a while he didn't want to talk to me. And then because I was doing well in recovery, because I was working, because I was doing everything I could to make myself better, he decided to come back and be a part of my life and have me as part of his. So we know that that is one of the gifts of recovery. And she's still young enough that you can do the best you can today and still have a good future. I think for me as being an alcoholic addict, I chose to set that down because I was still actively using it. She's in a good home and I didn't want to affect her schooling or affect whatever her attitude is or what her feelings are. So I chose, I guess, to just step away and let her enjoy the things that she can enjoy without seeing me actively in use. And in order for her to enjoy that, you felt it was better that she didn't even have her father. And today in recovery, I think the best thing she can have is a healthy father. Yeah, absolutely. I might visit whether it was like the most amazing thing, like she took to me like I was never even gone. Yeah. Yeah, that gives me motivation to be in one of these like sober today. That's a major thing. Yeah. So we talked earlier, you said you had periods of sobriety, never more than 28 days. What did you do then to try to get sober? For them 28 days? Yeah. You just quit? Yeah, I just grit my teeth through it pretty much. Yeah, had you tried programs before? Yeah, I've tried multiple. I just, I don't, I think it was more due to the fact that I had to do it because I'm a coordinator of probation. Yeah, yeah. Now, is this program here something you're ordered to do? No, it's not. It's by my will. Yeah. But when I come into it, it was kind of for the wrong reasons. It was relationship-wise. Okay. I was trying to do it for somebody else. Yeah. And then that, that's a tough one, I guess. Yeah. Because I have to do it for myself. I have to realize it's for me. Yeah. Because I couldn't even do it for my kids. I got a 15-year-old daughter too that I ain't never done it for a while. I know two daughters that still didn't get me right to not want to use. I think what it is, is I got so much shit in the past that I still haven't, I've forgiven shit that's happened to me or other people that cause harm to me, but I haven't totally forgiven my own self for the things I put people through. That's my biggest barrier today. Yeah. We're, we're talking all these things, you know. Addiction is a disease. We don't control it. We have no control over it. We've done things in the past that we don't like, you know, we beat ourselves up over. But realizing that this is a disease that controlled us, you know, I'm always talking about choices. When we were using the choices, yes, are there. I can use or not. But the choice is always going to be that I'm going to use. Everything else comes after that. Now if I'm, am I going to take the kids to the little league game? Yes, as soon as I use. Are we going to go on vacation? Yes, there's money left over after I buy what I need. You know, so the choice to use or not wasn't there. The rest of it was. And as a result of me choosing, you know, as a result of me using, sometimes the kids didn't get what they needed. You know, not having grocers in the house. I didn't choose to neglect my kids. I wasn't able to once I got what I needed. So when I accepted that, I mean, I fully accept responsibility for all the things I put them through. But knowing that I couldn't have done any better. Because I was controlled. My choices were made for me. You know, helps me to, at least forgive myself. You know, because I was sick. I was not physically capable of making the better choices at that time. Now in recovery, I can start to make those choices. And making the right choices, I can be proud of that today. You know, so we can't fix the past. We can change the future by doing the work today. So hopefully soon, the forgiveness of self will come to you. It's working progress. Yeah, yeah, and you know, that's what recovery is. You know, for the rest of your life. For the rest of my life, I'm going to be working progress. You know, we don't know what we don't know. We learn things about ourselves as we go. We figure out triggers. We figure out, you know, character defects. And then we can start working on it. We're never going to know everything in the beginning. But once we identify something, we can take the steps to make that a little better. I don't know, since I've been here, I've noticed, like, change in the people in my relationships. Something that I didn't ever think was going to come to me. My mom, my mom's there for me now. My kids' mother's there. They forgive me for pretty much everything I put them through. You know, they tell me they're proud of me and stuff like that. And I'm in another relationship that I'm trying to fix now, but the destruction is there. I can't fix that. And I can't force that other person to whatever they're going through and feeling and whatever. I can't. I feel like I have to change it. I can't. Yeah, exactly. And that's another thing. We just worked the first step together last week. We were on the second step. And one of the things that, you know, the first step is all about, you know, we started talking about the Serenity Prayer. Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And really understanding what can we change? What can't we change? We can't change the past. We can't change other people. We can't change, you know, things that we don't have any part in. You know, we can change our reactions and our actions. How do we react to people and, you know, what we choose to do? So, you know, those are really the only two things we can control. And learning how to control that in certain situations, you know, sometimes I would react and I would run out to get high. You know, that is no longer a choice. You know, today I had that choice. And I choose not to, so I have to find another way to do that. Stick around after this commercial break as I finish this conversation with Jason. To this episode of Recover Loud, I'm here with Jason McKenzie, one of the residents at Christopher's home, a home that I manage. And, you know, I get the pleasure and the privilege to support you guys through your programs and, you know, help guide you to the resources that you didn't have before. So what is it you're doing today to work on your recovery that may be different from what you've done in the past? Today I would say that I'm giving myself a chance. I'm currently doing IOP. I got signed up for my DEEP. I'm currently doing DEEP. Trying to be more open and honest about things that are going on in my life. Just trying to be solo one day at a time. Yeah, so what is it? So you mentioned you're in IOP. It's an intensive outpatient program. What does that consist of? What are you doing there? So what I'm doing in IOP is we go to IOP. I go Monday through Friday for three hours a day. Sometimes it's time-consuming, but I just try to focus on what I can take from it. It's kind of like going to A.A. and pretty much leaving it to us. And so that's basically three hours of counseling. That is run by a counselor. And it's a group counseling session. I actually found a lot of benefit in the rehab I went to. It was all day, but we had group counseling. Different groups, different counselors, and they taught us different things. They taught us life skills, they taught us coping skills, they taught us relapse prevention. So yeah, in those group counseling sessions, I got to learn from other people their perspectives. And that's really why I work as a recovery coach, because I understand what listening to somebody else's experience can do for me. Because I'm learning things that I never knew before. I've got what I know. Learn from my mother, learn from the teachers I had, where I grew up. And I don't know what's on the other side, because I was never there. So you living on the streets, being in the youth center, going to prison for spending 25 years, you've got a lot of experience that I don't. And eventually learning how you got through things can help me and can help other people. And that's the value of sharing your story on Recovery Loud, really. So what else do you do? Are you attending meetings? Yeah, I go to as much meetings as possible. Yes, we go to meetings. I was able to pick up my 30-day chip, and now I've finally got past that. It boosts my self-esteem, and it pushes me forward like one more. Yeah, I remember actually, I think it was day 24. And that's when you told me that you were present. And it was getting real. And that you were about to reach that milestone that you'd never reached before. So I was actually, I was probably the day you picked up that chip. And I'm glad you were proud of yourself. You kind of beamed a little bit that night. Yeah, I definitely. And we should be proud of these accomplishments because we never reached those goals before. And one day at a time, you put 45 days together now. Yeah, it feels good. Yeah. So what else is coming up for you? What are your plans over the next 30 days? Oh, the next 30 days. I don't even try to think that far ahead. Yeah. When I was told it was one day at a time. Yeah. I mean, that's trying to, for a long time in life, I couldn't even fathom one day at a time. Yeah. You know what I mean? I see some of these guys in the meetings, anyone not that got multiple years in the same one day at a time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what it is because it's a daily struggle. Yeah. And you know, the only day that counts is today. It's the one we're in. Yeah. So congratulations on putting forth 45 days together. Absolutely. For the first time. You know, I've seen your growth and progress over the last 30 days. I've known you. And you know, it's exciting for me. And you know, I'm grateful to be a part of your journey. Thank you. So thanks for sharing your story, Jay. Absolutely. I appreciate you coming on. That's my favorite word, absolutely. Mind you. Absolutely. If I had advice to give anyone out there from my experience, I would say stop beating yourself up. Reach out to someone closest to you. There's no reason to hold back. I get the struggle. We all get the struggle in the act of addiction. If possible, reach out to somebody in recovery or someone close to that that you trust that you can get you to where you need to be. There's also people like Mike that you can reach out to and he can give you connections to whatever it is that you need to get to. We can't rely on everyone. We're in you. Surround yourself with positive energy. Judges hitting people with provocative penalties. Need to make a change. Advocate to change the laws through the people that it's not insane. When you stand behind a cause, I'm here to speak about the pain. Recover loud to normalize the disease that's been killing all my friends and my family. The time is now to let it all go and recover loud. The benefit is healthy people, family and friends that never have to overdose ever again. Never have to plead out to a lesser defense. I'm proud to say that I recover loud. I never thought I could, but I'm so proud that I discovered how to live my life again. Controlling my own destiny. I needed recovery. I still needed desperately. Addiction never defined my identity. I recover loud here to tell my own story.