 The Kraft Foods Company presents Willard Waterman as the Great Gildesleeve. The Great Gildesleeve is brought to you transcribed by the Kraft Foods Company. Kraft, makers of the one and only Miracle Whip salad dressing. We say one and only because there just isn't any other salad dressing like Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip is different and it tastes different. Miracle Whip tastes so good it's become the most popular salad dressing ever created. More Miracle Whip is sold in the next 20 leading brands of salad dressing combined. Try it. Make your salads better tasting with the one and only Miracle Whip. Carpet store to buy him a suit and while he was there he bought one for himself too. Did he have a draft? Not the water commissioner. He's wearing it home and it's quite a suit. You bet. Latest thing. Dil Pickle Green. On the side of the street. What for, my boy? There's not so many people over there. With you in that suit walking in this crowd is dangerous for a little kid. I get to look at you and walk right over me. Well, Leroy, let's not be jealous. You have a fine suit too. Holy cow! I've got colors. Dil Pickle Green. You can wear that to a masquerade party. Masquerade? Sure. Put on a mustard shirt and get to go as a hamburger. That'll do, Leroy. You're just a little boy and you don't know anything about fashions. This color is so good it hasn't even been in the magazines yet. Now, how about getting some popcorn and go to a movie? No, no. We have to get home, my boy. Birdie will be waiting dinner for us. Bye, George. This is a good looking suit. Nice lines. Snappy. Pardon me, madam. Well, I just flinched from the shop window. Yep. Color fits nice too. Just like Esquire. Why do they make these store windows so short? Can't get a good look at yourself before you hit the doorway. Excuse me. All right, Leroy. I'm looking for something. You're right here, in fact, in this big shiny window. This is more likely. You can't tell anything in those triple mirrors where they sell the suits. You see too many people. Look into a paint store. Let's go home. Well, I may want to buy some white lead. Yes, sir. Give the Steve, you look pretty good. In this coat with the belt in the back makes those shoulders look fine. These pants are nice too. Aunt, I read a story once about a guy named Narcissus. Huh? All he did was sit and look at his reflection in the water. Oh? You know what happened? What? He fell on the lake. Hey. All right, Leroy. We'll go home. My name is Narcissus, and I'm not going to fall in any lake. Hey, you've got a tag on the right of your coat. Oh, right. This is your name. Well, the clerk probably left it there. What does it say? That's dine. Boiled and free shrunk. You didn't recognize me, did you, Birdie? Babe, would you look at that. Mr. Guilty, you got a new suit too. Yeah, the latest thing, Birdie. This is what they're wearing in New York now. It has pleats in the pants. How do you like this coat, Birdie? Ain't that fancy? You know something, Mr. Guilty. The way that coat made your shoulders is catching up with your waistline. Oh, Birdie. Look at the shoulders on my coat. Of course, I only bought this suit because I needed it. The man has to have more than one suit, especially when he's a water commissioner. You know, for corn sake. How do you like the color, Birdie? Oh, that's nice. What color is it? Jill Pickle Green. All the young men are wearing it this year. Well, it sure makes you look young, Mr. Guilty. Well, I am young, Birdie. Yes, sir. In that outfit, you could have gone to the college football game and sit in the Root and Tootin' section. Sure, I could. Well, you could go to them games and help with the Root and Tootin' section. Yeah, I know, Birdie. You fit right into that Root and Tootin' section. All right, Birdie. Mr. Guilty, do you know what you could do in that era, Birdie? Yes, Birdie. That's right. I'm no more spent. Funny you're firing me yet. I'm full of beans. Oh, my dear. Hello, my dear. Leroy, you look so nice. Yeah. My dear, you know the same thing about me? Well, here we go again. Oh, that's a lovely suit, auntie. That's fish green. Jill Pickle. It gives you a wonderful figure, Uncle Morris, like a Jill Pickle. It... Leroy. Well, it isn't all the suit, my dear. Most of this figure is mine. Ron, the waist is all his. Little jokester. Trouble is, Marjorie. The clothes I've been wearing before made me look older than I am. Now, I'm not old. Oh, of course you're not. I'm right in my prime. Man doesn't come into his full strength until he passes 40. That's right, auntie. Yes, sir. Of course, my waistline's a little large, but I'm not fat. I'm just heavy. You're wonderful, Uncle Morton. We love you. Oh, thank you, my dear. Don't we love him, Leroy? I think I'll go upstairs. Good. Wash your little face for dinner. I'm going out and see Birdie. Great. I think I'll slip in and take a peek in the hall mirror. Couldn't see much in that pink store window. Well, that's better. I'm not being like that fellow narcissist who kept looking at himself in the water. I've got something to look at. George Gildersley, why don't you admit it? You're a powerhouse. You look at those children. In those arms, really a sleeve fold. He is the head of our fold. The white stallion leading the white horses. The bull moose leading the mooses. Oh, there's Bronco. I've forgotten about him. Oh, Mr. Gildersley. Well, hello, Bronco. Marjorie, here's your little husband. Oh, hello, dear. Hi, honey. The twins are over at your mother's and we're having dinner with Uncle Demise. My little family. What do you have in the package? Oh, well, this. All these are some scales. Scales? Yeah, I'm going to put them in our bedroom so I can watch my weight. I weighed myself today, Mr. Gildersley, and I've gained three pounds. Well, good. You're growing. Oh, that's what worries me. I got quite a shock yesterday. Oh? Yeah, when I dressed in the morning, I forgot to put on my belt, and I didn't notice it until noon. What was holding your trousers up? That's what worries me. Bronco, you never look better. Certainly, you're just a boy. You could use a little weight. If you're going to lead the wild horses, hey, I mean, be the head of a family like me, you've got to build yourself up like me. Oh, no, Mr. Gildersley. No, just because I'm the father of twins, I'm not going to let myself go. No, just a minute. Oh, he's being silly, isn't he, Auntie? Look at those muscles in his arms. Show him your arms, Bronco. Marge. No, Leroy, Bronco doesn't want to show his muscles. Wait till he grows up. That buffalo is going to get bigger? Leroy, stop embarrassing your brother-in-law. He's just a boy buffalo. I mean a boy. Bronco, remember how you used to chin yourself in the doorway? Go ahead. Show us how you chin yourself. No, leave him alone. If he doesn't want to chin himself, he doesn't have to. I don't even know if I can do it now. But I'll try. Oh, boy, look at the beef. Isn't he wonderful, Auntie? Oh, yes, yes. Show off. I can only do 12. Pretty bad. Let's see you do it, Aunt. Well... Dinner's ready, Mr. Gildersley. Oh, good. Dinner's ready. Let's go to the table. Everybody, time to eat. Come on, Leroy. Auntie can't do that. That's not for a fat man. I mean, not that you're fat. I mean, for a large man. Oh, is that so? I'm not fat. I'm just well-built. Go ahead, Aunt. All right. Stand aside. Watch this. Don't rush me. Stop. Hey, look on, Mr. Gildersley. You're breaking the door frame. Could have done it, though. That wood's pretty weak. So funny, my dream. The day we went to the zoo. Wolfer, come to the table. Bronco, you sit on the left. Marjorie over here. Leroy over there. This is where we always sit. Well, sit there. Living here, crawling around the back of a chair without touching the floor. Leroy, Marjorie married a husband, not a performing seal. Oh, I remember that trick. Bronco was the only boy at school who could do it. Birdie, bring the dinner. He did that one, Bronco. No, I couldn't do it. Sure you can. Leroy, he said he couldn't. Don't you believe him? Go on. Bronco, you can do it. Well, all right. Oh, my goodness. This is pretty difficult. You've got to go around the back of the chair without touching the floor. Oh, I should, Bronco. He's doing it, he's doing it. Oh, keep your feet up, Bronco. Yes, that was nothing. Let's see you do it, huh? No, just a minute. Oh, Leroy, don't be silly. Uncle Mort couldn't begin to do that. Try it if I were you, Mr. Gildersleeve. You keep out of this. I'm the boom-oose. I mean, the head of the household. I can do anything that kid can. I can do it better, too. I can glue it back together. The heck with the chair. Excuse me, children. What about here, aren't you going to eat? I'm not hungry. I'm going to my room. And there you are, Gildersleeve. Just an old tub. Moon going down. Nurse, this is you fell in the lake. The great Gildersleeve will be back in just a minute. Ever entertained buffet style is fun, isn't it? Fun for the guests and fun for you, too. Part of the fun is setting a beautiful table, wouldn't you say? And finding attractive new settings for your food. Let's say, for example, you're serving cold slaw for the salad part of your meal. You might pile your cold slaw in orange shells, from which you remove golly inside. Arrange them on a tray with a generous amount of parsley garnish and just watch the surprise faces. And if you've made that cold slaw extra good with Miracle Whip salad dressing, you'll see happy faces, too, as your guests taste that delicious salad. Miracle Whip gives cold slaw such marvelous flavor, a flavor that's lively, teasing, just sharp enough. And it's a flavor you won't find in any other salad dressing because Miracle Whip is unique. 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No wonder the family laughed when you couldn't chin yourself even once when you fell off the chair trying that trick. And that Bronco thinks he's smart. Well, I'm smart too. And I'm not so fat either when I pull my chest up a little. And this mirror must be warped. And I wonder what the family will say when I get on the breakfast. Well, they probably won't say anything. Probably forgotten the whole thing. Sure. You know, just act as if nothing had happened. I mean, by George, I may bruise easily, but I heal fast. Coming, Birdie! Good morning, Anki. We came over to see if you're all right. Yeah, I'm all right. Good morning, Mr. Gilles Lee. Good morning, Bronco. Hi, Aunt. Good morning, Leeroy. Gilles Lee, you're in. It's all forgotten. How's the acrobat this morning? Oop. Acrobat? What do you mean? Now, Leeroy, you hush. Sit down, Anki. I put a pillow on your chair for you, Aunt. I don't need it. Your chair in the dining room is going to be all right, Mr. Gilles Lee. I'm gluing the seat back on. That's fine, Bronco. You're baking an egg, Miss Gilles. No, thank you, Birdie. You ought to have a good appetite this morning and missing your dinner last night. Yes. We're all sorry about last night, Mr. Gilles Lee. It was my fault. Oh, no. No, it wasn't Bronco. We'll just forget the whole thing. Let bygones be bygones. Oh, it's mighty nice here, Mr. Gilles Lee. You're a big man. Thank you, Bronco. What a fine boy. We all want to apologize, Uncle Morch. We didn't mean to. I mean, when you fell off the... If you could have... My march cut it out. He couldn't help it. Excuse me. Miss Gilles Lee, may she go eat your bacon and egg? No, thanks, Birdie. Where are you going? If I can squeeze through the front door, I'm going to waddle downtown. Everybody loves a fat man. Well, they don't love me. And I'm not so big, but putting yourself in the sleeve yard, too. Well, con fun, if I can put on weight, I can take it off. Lots of people do. Look at those ads in the paper. Mrs. Hogtite Coon of Elbow, Indiana, loses 20 pounds in eight days. I'll show the family. I'll trim down. I may be a barge today, but tomorrow I'll be a speedboat. I'll bet PB can help me. Hello, PB. What can I do for you this morning? I want to get some reducing medicine, PB, for a friend of mine. Yeah, fine fellow. But he's a little chubby. Well, I have a number of popular brands. Does your friend have any preference? Well, he doesn't know much about these things. Of course, neither do I. I can see that. Now, here's a very popular reducing product. Dr. Beagle's Golden Formula. It hounds the pound away. I don't think my friend would care for Dr. Beagle. And now here's a preparation product. A number of people are buying. Aunt Marion's Wasteline Reducer. It's very effective. They tell it one fellow who used too much in his wasteland experience. Oh, my goodness. He had quite time keeping his trousers up. He finally used his wristwatch for a belt. PB, is that story true? No, but it sells a lot of merchandise. Well, let's get back to my friend. No, that's Mr. Beagle to save. How many pounds do you want to lose? Oh, about 50 or 50. PB, I didn't say it was for me. No, you didn't. Well, all right. It is for me. But it's not that I'm overweight for my size, PB. I just thought I'd trim down a little. Well, probably the cheapest way is to stop eating. And it's very effective. I know, PB. Now, you look at the camel. When he goes along while without eating, his humps disappear. PB, I'm not a camel. No, I'm not trying to be a service. Have you tried Judge Hooker's rowing machine? Say, I'd forgotten about that. Rowing is awfully hard. Well, I'm desperate. Well, you might give the judge a call. No, well, don't want to risk a call. The way I feel the day I could get stuck in that phone booth. I'll go right over to the judge's house and get started on that rowing machine. Yeah, good luck. Don't fall overboard. See you later, PB. You're perfectly welcome to use my rowing machine, Gelde. It's here in my bedroom. Well, let's get started, Judge. My position as the head of the family is at stake. I'm going to lose some weight if I have to row this thing clear to Greenland. Nothing like a rowing machine, Gelde. That's how I keep my perfect 36. All right, Horace. Every morning a brisk turn at the oars, and then I have a pick-me-up. Half a ride, Ben, and a beaker of Kailak water. Judge, please. I haven't eaten anything since last night. Oh, would you like a snack, Gelde? No, thanks. Maybe those camels have an idea. How's that, Gelde? It's nothing, Judge. Brother, I'm weak. Help me into the boat. Sure. Now, you're at the oars. I call my bedroom Hooker Lake. Yes, yes. 250 strokes on the oars will get you a cross. That's from Wash Stand Bay to Pillow Slip Point. All right, Judge, let me get started. What's the difference? I'm rowing. But you can't get across the lake unless you go straight. Oh, my goodness. Left oar. Judge, are you in the boat with me? Certainly. It's a long trip. I'm going along to keep you company. Oh, brother, going across Hooker Lake on a rowing machine with an old goat. Water commissioner, this time you've struck a bottom. 48. Left oar. 200 left oar. We're almost there, Gelde. 250. We made it. You rowed across Hooker Lake. How do I look, Judge? Have I lost any weight? Oh, I'm sure you have, Gelde. You're the picture of hell. Well, thanks for the use of the rowing machine, Judge. But Gelde, you're across the lake. Aren't you going to row back? No, you can row it, Judge. The way I feel, I'll just catch the first breeze and fly back. I'm home, Bertie. Mr. Gelde, you look awful thin. I do. You feel all right? You know, I feel fine, Bertie. Never felt better, in fact. Where are the children? Miss Marge and Mr. Bronco are over at their house, and Leroy's out in the yard. You're just in time for lunch. Lunch? But no, I'm not going to eat, Bertie. I'm reducing. You what? Bertie, do you know that when a camel goes without food, his humps disappear? That's what I'm doing. Disappear? I'm losing weight. But you got to eat. Everybody's got to eat. Well, not me, Bertie. Call Leroy. I'll sit down at the table with him. But I'm not eating. I'll sit down here at the table where he can see me when he comes in. Bertie noticed I was thinner. Leroy's bound to see it. All right, Gelde, you get to sleep when you set your mind to something. You do it. Hello, Anki. Oh, hello, my dear. Hello, Mr. Gildersleeve. Having lunch, are you? Well, not exactly, Franco. Hi, Anki. Hello, Leroy. Boy, am I hungry. Where's the food? A you children notice anything about me? You got a spot on your necktie. It's something bigger. Yeah, I mean, don't you notice something? Well, I don't see anything, Anki. You look fine to me, Mr. Gildersleeve. Children, can't you see? I've lost weight. I'm thinner. I haven't eaten anything. I've been exercising. Uncle Mort, you aren't doing this because we laughed at you. Well... Oh, Mr. Gildersleeve, not because of us. Well... Gee, Anki, it doesn't mean it. You didn't? Oh, Anki, we wouldn't have you change for anything. We love you just as you are. Sure. Don't ever change, Mr. Gildersleeve. Children, this touches me very deeply. I should have known that you wouldn't. Excuse me. Hi. What's the matter, Anki? I can't get up. I was going out in the kitchen for a drink of water, but now I can't move. It's my own fault. I'm not eating since last night. Rowing across Hooker Lake. My strength is gone. I can't get up. Mr. Gildersleeve, I know why you can't get up. Huh? I glued the seat of your chair this morning, and it wasn't dry yet. Stuck to the chair. My new suit. I'm sorry, I can't help it. Heck, with it, go ahead and laugh. Bernie, bring on the lunch. Mr. Gildersleeve will be with us again in just 30 seconds. Making a fresh fruit salad, to be sure your fruit is at its flavorful best, take it out of the refrigerator a little before you want to use it so that it's cold but not too cold. Another way to make sure that salad will be delicious is to use Miracle Whip salad dressing. Miracle Whip has a simply wonderful flavor, a special lively teasing peppy flavor that no other salad dressing has. Make all your salads extra good with the salad dressing millions prefer, the one and only Miracle Whip. Fine lunch, pretty. Thank you, Mr. Gildersleeve. Bye, George. I'm the fool to worry about being a little chubby. Who cares? After all, it gives him a good, solid appearance. Makes him look important and successful. Who, me? I wasn't looking in the hall mirror, Leroy. Just passing by and having to glance at myself. Yeah. So what if I am on the chunky side? I'm the water commissioner. Takes a big man for a big job. You can't hold a freight train with a bicycle. You got to have a locomotive. Yeah. No, no, Bronco, what is it? Oh, I've got trouble with the car out in front. I need some real beef. Well, there you see. When there's a big job to be done, the tune changes. You're all right, Bronco. Where do you need the real muscle? Oh, I don't need muscle. I got my bumper locked with another car. Would you stand on it while I pull him apart? Where does it unite, folks? Willard Waterman, the show is written by John Elliott and Andy White on this transcribe. Included in the cast are Walter Tentley, Mary Lee Robb, Lillian Randolph, Earl Ross, Dick Crenner and Dick Legrand. Musical compositions by Jack Meakin. This is John Heaston saying goodnight for the Craft Foods Company, makers of the famous line of craft quality food products. Be sure to listen in next Wednesday and every Wednesday for the further adventures of The Great Gilded Sleeves. Calling all sandwich makers. Be on the lookout for miracle sandwich spread when you are shopping. Take a jar home and discover what a delicious different flavor this wonderful spread gives your sandwiches. Miracle sandwich spread is made by craft from America's favorite salad dressing, miracle whip and spicy relishes. Use it along with the meat or cheese sandwich filling you like best. Or for the quickest, easiest, thriftiest sandwich you could want. Use it alone between slices of bread. Get it tomorrow. Miracle sandwich spread. Forest fires create a shameful waste which weakens America. So memorize and observe these four simple rules of forest fire prevention as advocated by Smokey Bear. One, crush out cigarette, cigar and pipashes. Two, break matches in two after using. Three, drown all campfires, then stir and drown again. Four, find out the law before using fire. Smokey says remember, only you can prevent forest fires. Tonight, enjoy the best of Groucho on NBC.