 You're listening to highlights from The David Feldman Show, heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio, or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, and now YouTube. Please subscribe to this channel. For more information, go to davidfeldmanshow.com. Thank you for listening. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad, pathetic humps. Back by popular demand, Jim Earl. Hello, Jim. Do we have a bad connection? I don't know, do we? Did you just belch? Yes, I did. On my show? Okay. No, on my phone. Hey, congratulations on being invited back to The David Feldman Show. Oh, is that what this is? Congratulations. This is a great day in my life. Thank you. Hey, Jim Earl. So how's Jimmy Dorr? I want to challenge him to a fist fight. Seriously. Is it the only reason you have me on so you can dig at Jimmy Dorr? I think I'm going to fly to L.A. Marquis to Queensbury Rules. I want to go 13 rounds with Jimmy Dorr. See who's still standing. Would you relay that to him? I see you. There you are. Going on with your elitist Queensbury Rule thing from Harvard or wherever you went to law school. We can do the Dingleberry Rules. Marquis to Dingleberry? Does it come out of Yale? The Marquis to Dingleberry Rules are a lot of clenching, a lot of holding. You never say break up. That's the Marquis to Dingleberry. A lot of pinching, a lot of loafing. So seriously, tell Jimmy Dorr, I want to get into a ring with him and go 13 rounds. Well, what possible good would that do? Just to see who's stronger, who's smarter at the sweet science of boxing. Who do you think would win if Jimmy and I went 13 rounds? I think the American public. So you're doing Jimmy's hugely successful show on YouTube with the Young Turks, right? Well, I write a lot of things for this show, yes. All right. Well, tell him I miss him. He won't return my calls. He is like the Republicans in that he needs an enemy. If he doesn't have an enemy, he can't get out of bed in the morning. He needs caffeine and his caffeine isn't coffee. It's somebody's slighted him. It's always an imagined slight and that fuels his creativity. Gee, I can't imagine why he doesn't want to talk to you. I just don't get it after that. Because when I run into him, like at the conventions, I weaken him. He's no longer angry. And then he goes, damn, now I have to think of somebody else to hate. Otherwise, my juices drain. He needs, he needs me to hate me. He has to see me as his enemy. Otherwise, he can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I saw it when I ran into him in Philadelphia. He melted when he saw me because he loves me. And then he thought I just don't have the time and energy to find somebody else to hate. So this is what your therapist is telling you? No, this is what I know about him. Your therapist tells you this. In order to make yourself feel better about yourself, the therapist gets another paycheck. Have you ever done therapy? Only you pay your therapist in drink tickets. Who bossed the flappers? Who bossed the... Three passes to Bitberg's fart oven. Bitberg's fart oven? Yes. Yeah, Reagan. In Snatch Haven, Connecticut. In Snatch Haven, Connecticut. Yep. Bitberg's fart oven in Snatch Haven, Connecticut. That's right. It's an actual club, yes. I know. Very popular. Snatch Haven, though, it's by the sea. Snatch Haven, Connecticut. What has to be. Yeah, why? Well, there are a lot of odors. You know, you've got to have those nice ocean winds coming along to help you out. Right. Didn't you have like a little boat to go off into the water near Snatch Haven? Oh, yes, the SS Quief. The SS Quief. Snatch Haven Sound, I believe it's called. You had a little boat, but you had a captain who would steer the boat, right? Right. He was located in Cape Snatch. Cape Snatch. But yeah, he would steer the boat. But he would disappear and you had trouble finding that little captain in the boat, right? This is getting dirty and I don't like that. The little man in the boat, you always had trouble finding the little man in the boat in Snatch Haven. That's right. In Snatch Haven, Connecticut. Well, now you've explained it. That makes absolute sense. Did you live in Snatch Haven? No one actually lived in Snatch Haven. You can only stay in Snatch Haven three weeks of the month. Uh-huh. And then you got to leave. And how hard is it to get to Snatch Haven? There's only one entrance, right? Yeah. It's gated, right? Yeah. It's a gated community. In order to get in there, you got to show ID, you got to do some sweet talking, right? Yeah. Bring some liquor. Bring some liquor in the front. Bring some liquor in the front? Right. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm living in Manhattan these days. I should probably try to visit Snatch Haven. Well, it's right up your alley. Well, that's another town, but I'm not allowed to visit. Now, up my alley, Massachusetts, that's a big Greek community, right? Yes, it is a Greek community. Greek? Greek. The Greek community. Right. Up my alley. You know, if you've got a Snatch Haven on your free-masted schooner, they'll flush your main mast from the mizzen on down. Jim Earl. So let's talk about Georgia, the sixth district. You like this. Oh, yeah. Karen Handel, you like this woman. You said she's a Republican, but in name only, you think that she's going to take on Trump and the people of Georgia made a wise decision picking her instead of Ossoff. Is that what you said? No, I never said anything of a sort. Oh, no. You were the one who said General Sherman should have burnt the entire Confederacy to the ground. I think that's... Yes. Right. I'm in favor of General Sherman, but I think he should still burn it to the ground. Well, it wasn't total war. I think a lot of the problems we have, and I don't mean to piss off our listeners in the South. But one of the reasons Germany and Japan, and we've talked about this before, the one of the reasons Germany and Japan are so successful is we turned both those countries into glass and then they had to rebuild themselves in our image and they've surpassed us. I think the disfavor we did to the old Confederacy was not letting Sherman set fire to the entire South. We've done a disservice to our nation and to the South. We allowed remnants of their belief system to sustain over the years, and that's why we're in the trouble we're in. Right? Remnants of their belief system. Yes. Sure. I don't know what to say. I don't have any ancestors from the South, but you probably do. Oh, yeah. Because the Jews controlled the cotton industry. Mm-hmm. The primary slaveholders, weren't they? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The Feldmans, in particular. Well, yes. The Feldmans, we owned a couple of plantations, and I remember reading my great, great, great, great grandfather, Jedediah Feldmans' logs. He wrote, we're paying the slaves nothing. How can we pay them even less? He was trying to figure out. Jedediah Feldman was a senator to the Confederacy, representing Georgia. He proposed legislation that would have charged slaves $50 a day for the privilege of being a slave. Well, that's like being one of the slaves that Hillary Clinton had in the Arkansas State House. It was a privilege working for her as slave labor. She had slaves? Well, she had prison labor, yeah. Oh. And they were all black. Black prisoners, around 30 years of age, been in there 18 years or longer. She found, according to her book, it takes a compound or a village or whatever the hell it is. The ones who were lifers gave her the least trouble, so she kept them in the slightest mistake. She would send the others back to prison. You're saying that when Bill Clinton was governor of Arkansas. Yes. He would hire prison labor to work the governor's estate. Not hire. They didn't get paid anything. Maybe $0.07 a day. That's what they get now, $0.07, maybe $0.15 a day or an hour, something like that. That's slave labor. Right. And you're saying Chelsea is the product of a union, not between Hillary and Bill, but between Hillary and one of those prisoners. I'm not saying that. That's what you just said. Oh, I did? You just said, you said, and I can play the tape back, you said that Hillary and Bill went to Yale, which was in New Haven, Connecticut. Right. It was 50 miles away from Snatch Haven, Connecticut, which was one of Hillary's favorite places in the world. And she asked one of the prisoners to trim the garden to make it look like Snatch Haven. And then he stayed late. He ordered him some lemonade. And she had a glass of lemonade and peed out Chelsea, because that's what babies... I like how you commit to this. Because that's how... Even when it's got on the tubes. That's how you make babies, right? You drink lemonade and then pee out the baby. Is your mom still with us? No, she had to go do Mark Marin's podcast. She was pretty funny today, wasn't she? Why? I... Yes, she's still with us. Really? How old is she? I'm not allowed to talk about how old she is. She's very vain. E. Very vain. But she's... Veiny. Veiny. Yes, she's veiny. She's part of the Greatest Generation, isn't she? Yes, she was. She was tried at the Nuremberg Trials. She was Ava Braun's hairstylist. Does that include the Germans when they say the Greatest Generation? That's for some. I think you would say the Greater Generation. Rare. The Superior Generation. Hey, they found a treasure trove of Nazi memorabilia in Argentina. Did you see this? Yeah, I did. And what was the thing... What made you laugh? There was one thing they found that I thought of you. I thought it was the big Nazi mug with the handle on the inside. That made me laugh. World's Greatest Racist. You don't have to be racist. You don't have to be racist to do this extermination. But it helps. Right. And then there's Hang In There, Baby. You know, after the assassination attempt and the show trials and the Hang In There, Baby poster. Yeah. Was Ramo hung? I think he committed suicide. No, no, no. I'm talking about what his wife said. I think he committed suicide because he had a small penis. God, I love talking history with you. I don't... It's so enlightening. One of the things they found was this compass to measure skull shapes. Did you see that? No, I didn't. Oh, yeah, go look it up. Somebody brought to Argentina, you know, the mugs and the busts of Hitler and these, I don't know what you call them, but they're skull shape measurements for phrenology, which you still believe in, right? I believe in skull shapes. There are many different skull shapes, but I don't believe in phrenology. You don't believe that you can determine the intelligence of an individual by the slope of their brow because I've heard you talk for hours on that. I've never said that. I've sat in bars with you and you've bought me... Drinks. You could bet a guy... I bet I can predict your SAT scores, sir, if you let me measure your brow. You don't remember that? No, no, because I've never been in a bar with you. I would never allow that to happen. Remember Barry Lang's impersonation of me when I was an alcoholic? No, I don't. Do you remember what he used to walk around imitating me? There's something like, you don't know who I am. He used to say, this is Feldman. Let's go get a drinks. Yes. Let's go get a drinks. You knew me when I was drinking. You had the funniest plural, non-plural jokes of any comic out there. What was I like drinking? I don't remember any of that. I don't think I was around you that much when you were drinking. I remember you came to my apartment with Barry Lang and I smoked a lot of dope and got drunk and you and I got into a big argument. Do you remember that? About what? It was the first time we had met and you came into my apartment and you pulled some sarcasm with me and we started arguing politics. I don't know what it was about, but I remember thinking, this guy's an asshole. I could be friends with him. And you had a balcony. We were arguing on the balcony. It was like a cat on a hot tin roof. And you had a very expensive apartment in a Tatsy Tatsy part of town. What are you talking about? We can never figure out where you got your money from. I lived on Dwight Way. I was living with three other guys. How was that an expensive apartment? The luxury inside that apartment. And you had a balcony. I had a balcony, yeah. What else? A piano. Well, the plumbing, the plump piano, the baby grand, Steinway, 1920. They had gold fixtures. The Gustav Klimt in the airy. The Jan van Eyck painting in the foyer. My butler was not British. He had a southern twang, which I was always ashamed of. Why do you say I had money? You had a trust fund. You had a huge trust fund. A trust fund, baby. We all know that. A couple of billion. I went to a boarding school in Geneva to keep an eye on my father's Nazi gold. You went to a boarding school for young boys. Had a lot of troubles there. But it really shaped your character in later life. How so? Well, you like horses a lot. You became a veterinarian, traveling from farm. Traveling from farm to farm. Putting your fist up a dairy animal's anus. Turns out that's not where veal comes from. I thought if you put your fist up a dairy animal's anus, as it's pronounced, veal would come out. Delicious veal. Are you familiar with Latin? Anus, anot, anot. Anus, anot, anot. Anot? A balloon knot, I think, is how it's pronounced. I love that. He loves ass. She loves ass. I went to bed at 5 a.m. and got up at 6 30 to go do a seminar for fresh books. My friend Saul Colt, great guy, did a seminar for fresh books for people who are independent contractors. And I was on a panel at 8 in the morning at Caroline's Comedy Club. 8 in the morning to talk about what it's like to be a freelancer. It's kind of interesting. So I'm sleep deprived. Have you ever had a full-time job? I guess writing, right? Working for Liz Winstead, working on The Daily Show. That was a full-time job, right? That's not freelance work, right? It was a full-time job. We had contracts in Air America. Full-time, we had contracts. And do you like working on Union? That's right, that's right. I know that John Stewart was very upset that The Daily Show was non-union. Hey, you know, we shouldn't worry about the Georgia's District 1 results. You know why? Why? Because Democrats are planning to rebrand the law says enhanced winning. I think it's Georgia 6, isn't it? Or really? I think. I'll rewrite that. Rewrite that. What's the best joke you ever wrote? What's the one joke that you think if I have to get into heaven and you're at the pearly gates and St. Peter says, I'll let you in, but you gotta tell me the best joke you ever wrote. What is it? I don't know. There's so many of the chews from. But if I had to pick one that is kind of my favorite would be my dad's a horrible racist. Yeah. And when I say horrible, I mean, he's just not very good at it. Yeah. He's always screaming things like God damn Sarah Hittites. Motherfuckin' Etruscans. Motherfuckin' Etruscans? Etruscans, yeah. He was out of touch. He was old. Now the Etruscans, were they from Central Italy? Is that who the Etruscans were? Yes. I believe they were Central Italy before the Romans. Were Romulus and Uncle Remus Etruscans? I don't know. Now Romulus and Remus, I heard that Romulus was from ancient Rome, but Remus was from Greece. Is that it? Yeah, I didn't see that one coming around the anus. So your dad was a horrible racist? Yeah. Yeah, that was the end of that. That was your best joke? I don't know, I got others. I like that. What was the first joke you wrote for stand-up? It was a prop joke. I would go up there with a container of head and shoulders filled with tomato juice and do a mock commercial. I'd show it and I'd say new improved head and shoulders. Then pour it into the glass, take a drink out of it. It's got sheep's blood. And how did that go over? Not very well. Were you disappointed by the intelligence of the comedy audiences when you were starting out? Did you think they were going to be a lot smarter than they turned out to be? Are comedy audiences limited? No, I wasn't disappointed. It depends on which neighborhood you are in and what club you're in and the type of clientele that the club attracts. There were some very, very smart places and fun places to play. There were some kind of dumb and humorless places that you wanted to get off stage as soon as possible and collect your check. Can you talk about anything in front of a comedy audience even when you're famous? Can you talk about anything and keep their interest and get laughs? Or is comedy limited to just a few subjects? I think you could talk about anything. Can you get laughs and keep the audience's interest and can you make a living and sell tickets? Or is comedy like pop music in that it has to keep this certain AABB structure? I don't know about any AABB structure but I think people will laugh at anything if it's done right in a new and interesting way. Are you a fan of Mort Solz? Not really, but I appreciate the precedent that he set. I appreciate his position in the history of comedy. You don't think he's the best as well as the progenitor of modern stand-up? No, I think Eddie Cantor. Seriously? No, seriously, Eddie Cantor. Eddie Cantor, you can go on YouTube and look up his first talkie and it's basically 20 minutes of him on stage doing a stand-up act. It's the first visual and audible stand-up I've ever seen recorded. It's basically somebody going up and doing a stand-up act about how dumb their girlfriend is and all this kind of stuff. I'm not that familiar with Eddie Cantor but what I'm saying is in terms of modern stand-up Mort was the first one to talk about something other than his wife and his girlfriend. He was the first one to talk about something meaty. The issues. I guess so. Okay. I guess. And you don't think that's important? Well, yeah, I do. That's what I mean. I don't think it's that funny. I think it's important. George Carlin, there's somebody, his stuff lasts and he grew kind of like the Beatles of comedy. He would have a new incarnation or he would grow with every trend, you know? And is he your favorite? For political comedy or something like topical political comedy, I guess so. He and the Smothers Brothers, I thought the Smothers Brothers were great. That's interesting. The show or their nightclub act? Both. And I thought they were dangerous. I think they were truly dangerous. And I think W.C. Fields is very subversive and in a way political comedy too. How so? I think he did more to comment on how America is full of dollars and common people, family life can be so horrible and tedious. I think he was brilliant. Every aspect, visually and subtly and outrageously. It's a gift. Yeah, he would murder. Yeah, it's a gift. He would murder things under his breath, you know? And he always was always in a fight with the censors too. Right. And he would raise his hand to baby Leroy, which was hysterical. Right, right. I mean, he would threaten to hit a, not a kid, a baby. It's not funny to threaten to hit a, like threatening to hit a kid is like, ooh, that's creepy. But threatening to hit a baby is funny. Right? Yeah, I can be. Right. Right. All right. People love you on this show. Well, not after this one. This was our best one. Have a happy holiday. Yes and no. Yes and no. Means some of my kids called me. Well, they all called me an asshole. Yeah. See what I did? Yeah. Words are my tool. That was misdirection. And your tool is constantly misdirected. Yes, you're talking about. Yeah. You have a curved penis. It's Peroni's disease, right? Peroni's disease. No, that's when a woman gives you a blow job and burns the roof of her mouth. That's Peroni's disease. When doesn't that happen? Well, I, as you know, served in Vietnam and my semen has Agent Orange in it. So kind of... What? Have you been doing stand-up lately? I did it last night. Didn't go well. Really? Did not go well. Did not go well. I was at Danger Fields. And it went okay. It could have gone better, but I was tired. You know, it was like a cattle call instead of me and a couple of friends. It was a long night of comedy and waiting around. And by the time I got up, I was a little tired. But Peroni's disease is where your penis curves to the left or to the right. Bill Clinton had that. Or upwards. Or upwards. If it's optimistic. Right. Or downward. Your penis curves upwards and you had to go to the doctor complaining that you couldn't get it down. Most people can't get it up. I can't get it down. Right. Because it curves up. Well, that's why I used to wander around the south. Helping the people find wells with my penis. It would dip down during periods of drought. It was a divining rod. Yes, I would help starving farmers find water for the crops. But then they accused you of actually making the water with the divining rod. And exposing myself. And exposing yourself. Oh, I remember a joke that Larry Brown hated of mine. Remember I came up with a heckler response? Yes. I have one in particular. But you go ahead. I'll tell yours after you tell your... Larry was a pa... Somebody heckled me and I said, hey thumb dick, drop your pants and hitch a ride. Do you remember that? Hey thumb dick, hey thumb dick, hitch a pants and hitch a ride out of here. Uh-huh. And I remember I said that one night and I was so proud of that because I was, you know, learning to put down audience members. And Larry was a pa... Do you remember that? I was there that night, yeah. Hey thumb dick, drop your pants and hitch a ride. And I shook my head with confidence. I thought it was hilarious. Do you really remember that? Yeah, I thought it was hilarious for the wrong reasons. I'll tell you, I had another... another heckler line. Hey asshole, why don't you go to the bathroom and lick the semen off the walls? That's the worst thing I've ever heard you say. I never said that. You did. Did I really? Yeah. You did. No, I did. Did I really? Yes. Did I? Wait a second, but I didn't do that like, hey, I wrote a put down for hecklers. This is going to be like one of my stock put... Maybe I accidentally said that. Remember that sex, that female sex therapist who was big in the 80s? What was her name? She had a... Friday? German accent. Oh, Ruth West... Hyman. Ruth West Hyman. And this... I still have this on videotape from an open mic at the Holy City Zoo that we hosted and you came on stage. And you introduced your Ruth Westheimer joke. And that's the only thing I remember... Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. This had to have been like 85, 84? Probably, yeah. And you have this on videotape? Yeah, 86, I think, yeah. 86? I always use... Was it me repeating something over and over again in her voice? No, it was basically this Ruth Westheimer. What a whore. Wait, that's not it. I didn't say that. This Ruth Westheimer. Have you seen it? What a whore. What a fucking whore. I didn't say that. There's 30 seconds of silence with the mic feeding back. I remember having a bit about her. I don't remember what the joke was. Well, the next time you call up, I'll have the video ready to play on my computer and you can hear it. You have video of me from 1986? Yeah, Barry and I, when we hosted the Lankan Earl Freak Show and all those open mics at the Boys City Zoo, we would tape everybody we could on primitive videotaping machinery. To laugh at them behind their back or did you think this would have some historical virtue? Both. You don't have any Feldo the clown, do you? I think I might have... No, I don't think I do. Yeah, I don't think it exists. I know that I put the clown suit on again to be filmed by somebody, but I don't know... You see, that was your problem. I don't understand why you gave a Feldo the clown. That could have been, like, that would have made you famous. It didn't work. It didn't work. How bad was I when I was starting? The audiences hated me, right? They still do. No, the first time I saw you was at the punchline open mic. Before I started doing comedy. And you came on with your glasses and a newspaper. Like Mort's father started reading the headlines. And this... And what'd you think? I thought you were trying to be Mort Saul. I was. I was trying to be Mort Saul, joked about taking a shit in his cat box. This Melvin layered. Melvin layered? What an asshole. That was Raymond Donovan. Yeah, I wanted... I was like, yeah, yeah. Well, we don't need to. Memory lane. When did it all turn sour, Jim? When did it all go bad for us? At the beginning. They never went bad. It's an unending pageant. What was the best day of your life in comedy? The best day where you just go, well, I had this day. Everything was worth it. I think it was when Barry and I first did the Russian roulette bit. For the very first time on stage in front of like 40,000 people at Comedy Day in the park in San Francisco. What was the Russian roulette bit? That's where Barry says, oh, you know, we wanted to come out and try something different. And then I pull out a revolver and said, so we brought a gun. And and Barry says, that's right. I'm going to tell a joke and Jim will point the gun at my forehead and slowly pull the trigger. If I survive, I will then turn the gun on him and do the same thing. Well, he tells the joke. Yeah, we did that two or three times until I just kind of snapped and started snapping the trigger at his head. Sorry, folks. Sometimes I get a little impatient and I was groundbreaking back then and bring a gun on stage and make jokes about guns. And there were kids in the audience. Yes. And you got off stage and what did you think was going to happen? I thought it was going to go well. I thought it was hilarious. I thought people would be shocked by it and find it funny, you know. And it still makes people laugh, I think. Did you ever... Did you ever fly to Hollywood thinking this is it? It's going to happen? Yeah, for a Burger King commercial try-out. Seriously? Yeah, we had a Burger King... Remember they had Burger King commercial try-outs at the Holy City Zoo and we get there late for it and go up and just start yelling, I don't want to eat this shit. Fuck this. Our careers are over. Two days later we get a call. Hey, can you come down to LA and do a screen test for this? Seriously? Yeah, so we do it. It turns out they didn't want that. Wait a second. Everybody showed up for this Burger King audition. You and Barry sabotaged it and they picked you instead. To mess with you or they wanted rebels? What do you think was going on? I think they liked the energy and the rebellious nature of it to use cliche terms but they didn't want that on... They didn't want that on video. They didn't really want that. It's like when you're hired to write for somebody and we love your stuff. Now change it. Don't write like you usually do. But we love your stuff. Well, that's the joy of being in charge. The joy of being in charge is that you can no longer get it up so you hire young bucks and abuse them. You did that with your podcast. That's what I would do. I was unable to get it up so I brought in young talent. Young men who were eager who my wife was eyeing and I tried to break them. I would break them. Break their spirit. It's the story of Hollywood. Isn't it? You made us spend a night in the box. Uh-huh. I'm not going any further with that. I know you're going uh-huh. Well, I was going to say that you were going to, when the boiled egg eating competition with my executive producer but I didn't want to go down that. I thought the work we did when you, me, and Rosenfeld Field, Rosen, how's Steve doing? He's doing okay. He's doing alright. One of the funniest people in the world. Yes. Credible joke writer. Joke machine. Uh, yeah. We had some funny stuff. I got to dig up some of those sitcoms. They were funny. They should. Yeah, I know. They were really great. So what are you going to do tonight? What are you going to do tonight? I'm going to wait until the UV index goes down to one. You know, hopefully get on my bike and ride to Echo Park Lake. Watch the geese and the ducks and then come back and maybe have some fresh spring rolls at the only place I can afford to eat at anymore. And then watch Benjamin Cumberbung on Netflix in the Sherlock Holmes series. Hmm. And what are you reading? I'm reading about the bombing of Dresden right now. A lot of great toy factories were in Dresden, weren't they? Yeah, a lot of dishes. A lot of dishes were broken that day those days. Well, they were having a Greek wedding at the time of the bombing. That really wasn't the Allies' fault. Was Dresden known for their dishes? Their ceramics? How bad was Dresden? How bad was it? The bomb. Oh, it obliterated the town center. Suck the oxygen, right? They created so much heat, it just sucked the oxygen. Yeah, first day the British came in and dropped bunker-busting bombs. The function of that was to blow the doors, windows and roof soft buildings. That day when the Americans, I guess, bombed with their incendiary bombs, it would make it easier for it to create firestorms. Right. Burn everybody. The British bombed at night. The Americans refused to bomb at night. They would only bomb during the day, right? They didn't think it would be morally right to bomb at night. I don't think they had anything to do with morals. It was just easier to see. Right, but they didn't want to hit the wrong targets. The British felt because of the battle with Britain, it didn't matter if they hit the wrong targets. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. A lot of back-and-forth in that war, you know. So much fucking... People getting even with each other. You know. It's hard to take sides. Right? Yeah, absolutely. Stay out of it. You know what that was like? America going into Europe during World War II was like a cop going on a domestic violence call. It's dangerous. And you don't know where it's going to come from. That's the most dangerous call a cop can make. You know that? That's what I hear. I think the most dangerous call a cop can make is primarily danger for the people they encounter. Because they're killing everybody. Well, you've had positive experiences with cops, right? The only positive ones I've had was when I didn't feel like I was going to be threatened completely. And that was because I'm a white guy. I've never felt comfortable around cops because a lot of them are insane. Really? In Texas. Barry and I, we just get out of it. We're near Johnsonville. Hang on, I have a bad... I apologize for this joke. So you hate the cops? Yeah. But they do the job that you're too afraid to do? Yes. Go ahead, you say it. And what job is that? You do it. You know where I'm going. And I can't help myself. You know what I'm going to say and I don't want to say it. But I've only had an hour to have to sleep. I think I know what you're going to say. So you say it. I'm not going to say it. No. Cops do the job that ordinary Americans don't have the courage to do. Please. Thank you. Say it. Go home and beat their wives? All right. My audience knows where I'm going with this. Go ahead. I have no idea what you're talking about because I don't think that way. You know? I'm a 22nd century man. You're a 22nd century. And you can trace your ancestry all the way back to the Mayflower moving company. Weren't your ancestors like Huguenots or something? Juguenots. Weren't they Juguenots? Juguenots? No. Oh no, they were balloon knots. And by that I mean assholes. Get it? Balloon knots? It's a callback to I think they were Quakers. Seriously? Hey, I had some Quakers. The Earls were Quakers. On the other side, they were Catholics from Prussia. Your Quakers side? They like to sew their oats because, hey, let me explain. I've had it. They like to, yeah. They hollowed out bodies with little drums with them for kindergarten. The Quakers did? You used to do that with Quaker Oats containers? We weren't allowed to play with our Quaker Oats containers when I was a kid because my mother and father would say Barbara Bush's faces on that box be gentle with it. Barbara Bush. What a whore. I never said that. I said she has bigger bags underneath her eyes than I have underneath my scrotum. David Mamet heard me do that joke when I was opening for Jonathan Katz and I apologized to him for that joke and he said he loved that joke. David Mamet. David Mamet. David Mamet. So you're part Prussian? No, that was three generations ago. That goes back to like the late 19th century. 1847. They came from Prussia, yeah. Were you a Holland Holson? A Holson. The same town that Frederick Engels spent time in at the textile factory there and formulated a lot of his ideas from that with Marx. He was like the Marshall Brickman to Karl Marx's Woody Allen. Right? Marshall Brickman wrote Annie Hall with Woody Allen. Where is he today? What's Marshall doing today? He actually wrote some Broadway play and is doing very well. Why don't you write on musical? I can't say because I'm not gay because that would be offensive. So I wouldn't say something like that. Why don't you just say because you're not talented? Because that's not as funny as saying because I'm not gay. But I wouldn't say that and apply that anybody in musical theater is gay. And that's not that's not fair. No, it isn't. You don't want to do that. No, some of them are gay. You're offended. Right. I don't have a bond to that. But thanks for drawing me into this. What? You were the one who was saying that we should still be bombing Dresden. No, I never said that. You said you never understood why the allies were bombing Dresden and that it would be a good job maker to bomb Dresden again. You just said that. Well, it sounds like a pretty smart thing to say but I never said that. I can't take credit for that. You're reading a book about Dresden. Who wrote it? Yeah, I can't remember. Some German guy. And what book did you read before that? I haven't read in a long time because the spark of life has been snuffed out in my soul. I don't have any desire nor the energy to read fiction any longer. So what about this fist fight with Jimmy Dore? I'm going to get back to that. Can you make it happen? You'll have to contact him yourself over that. I have no control over any of this. I highly advise against it because I think you'd lose just like that. What about a duel? Guns at three paces. Hmm. Would you be my second? Uh, no. I don't want... Hmm? I highly advise against any of this. I'm challenging him to a fight or a duel. You're just obsessed because someone is rejecting you. You should lay that to peace and move on to another person because has a woman ever accused you of harassing her? Not to my knowledge because I never... I wouldn't be caught dead listening to one, right? I didn't say that. I never said that. You told me to say that. Why? A fan of women, as you know. They're my third favorite... Hang on, I have a joke. It's gender. Yeah. I just made that up. I made that up. And you stepped on it. I came up with a joke today during the Fresh Books seminar. I was talking about raising millennials and got so bad raising millennials I had to give my daughter a trophy for getting a trophy. You get it? Yes, I do. Millennials are kind of spoiled when they expect everything to fall into their lap. I understand where you're coming from with that one. You spoke at a book forum. No, it was for Fresh Books. No, it was for Fresh Books. It's accounting software. And I was asked to join a panel discussion and talk about freelancing as opposed to having a steady job. It was interesting. You know lots of powerful, talented people in the business. You're never at a loss for work. As a matter of fact, every time you work and find a job, no one hears from you for like 10 or 12 months afterwards. And why do you think that is? Because you're a coward. Because you think everybody's going to try to take your job away from you. When all we want to do really is congratulate you and share in your newfound fortune. That's all any comic wants to do, but another comic gets the job. If I'm working full-time, I barely have enough energy to pull my pants down to take a leak. Because I have to sit. Most people unzip their fly to take a leak. I have to pull my entire pants down to take a leak. And why is that? Because oh god, I have nothing on this one day. Well, there are various ways we can go here. We can go positive and say my cock is so huge it doesn't fit through the zipper and the fly. So my pants have to go all the way down to my ankles. That's one way to go. Or I'm so old I can't control all my orifices at the same time. If one opens, they all open. So I have to sit to pee. Because you can't even chew gum and shit your pants at the same time. I'm not sure anybody listening to this this far who's been able to thank goodness at the occasional laughter. That happens every 10 minutes. I'm bleeding out a stultifying boredom. Why don't you promote your new book? What's it called? It's called Ferris versus Feldman. Oh come on now, be nice. Be nice. No! What's wrong? He's a funny man. Who was your favorite office mate? Did you ever have to share an office with somebody? Yes. That would be a Whitney Brown. Oh wow. I was just thinking about him. He was hilarious. He was always fun. At the school book depository building in Dallas you shared an office with somebody. Yes. My conscience. How much time before tragedy becomes comedy? Five minutes. Who do you think shot them? Who do I think killed Kennedy? Well, I think in all honesty I think that it was probably elements within the CIA and the mafia and the deep dark state that conspired So you believe in the deep state? I believe that there's a deep state that doesn't control America but America can't control it and I think they sometimes I agree. I think they bubble up sometimes. I think it's a narrative well child who can't really harm you but occasionally gets your social security number takes out a credit card and buys a small militia. That's what the deep state is. That's what I think. You know folks what we're doing right now we used to do this in front of a live audience. I agree. We used to do this. Alright my friend you'll come back I got fan mail for you somebody wrote in, hang on like today, hang on. That's good to hear from. Let me read it to you. Divorce divorce divorce divorce divorce divorce divorce divorce divorce divorce divorce and I'm going through my Rancho Gordo Rancho Gordo heirloom beans heirloom beans you turned me on to heirloom beans. Jim Earl where is this I got it today I get so many angry emails here more Earl thank you David for doing the episode on Medicare blah blah blah I really hope to hear more from Jim Earl he's hysterical well that's nice that's very nice they must not have been listening yeah I've got a couple of you should go out to a bar and start drinking again yeah Ray James is in town he wants to go out but I don't have I've had like an hour and a half of sleep did I mention that yeah but keep on doing that Trump gets no sleep too that's true thanks for doing this see in court how do people hear the clutter family get your tweets read morning remembrance and all that good stuff I'm Jim Earl 666 on Twitter just google morning remembrance with you in my name and you'll find the book funny obituaries there's a lot of compromising pictures of me on the internet as well and let's hear your closing your famous closer if you've been drinking please don't drive dead customers not a repeat customer I thought you were going to say see in court I love that hey Jim I'll see you in court what a whore I wish I knew what the joke was I never called a woman that on stage this is a challenge I'm going to look it up yeah it's there I got it you think in the Bay Area in the 80s I would call a woman a whore once again I do not know how to answer one of your questions I'll see you in court tell Jimmy Dore it's up to him pistols, fists or swords but I'm challenging him okay you should have a hard boiled egg contest a meeting contest you know what they said after the boiled egg eating contest what we have here is a failure to defecate because boiled eggs you're listening to highlights from the David Feldman show heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio or as a podcast on iTunes Stitcher and now YouTube please subscribe to this channel for more information go to DavidFeldmanshow.com thank you for listening