 2 Disney Classics go head to head this week as I battle the huge, horrible beast versus the disgusting, disfigured ginger, Ariel. Let's start with the leading ladies, Belle and Ariel, and I'm going to get this out of the way right away. Belle is the hottest Disney princess, bar none. She's got some class to her, some sophistication, but she also falls in love with an ugly wolf creature. So she's got a bit of a freaky side to her, which I enjoy. Belle's no slouch either, but I feel like she'd be more interested in collecting who's it's and what's it's galore rather than spending time with me. But with Belle I could sit down by a nice cozy fire, have a nice read with her, then throw on my wolf mask and take her in the back and go to town on her. I'm sure I've already crossed the line somewhere in this episode, but let's move past it. Both films have a great supporting cast, with Mermaid having that cute fat little f***ing flounder, and the law-abiding citizen Sebastian. There's also a retarded seagull somewhere in the mix. I can't remember his name for the life of me, and I refuse to do any research going into this. On the Beast's side of things we've got a wonderful cast, we've got Chip, Mrs. Potts, the always douchey Cogsworth, the Devonair Lumiere, that rhymed, and it was an awful impression. And the villains on both sides are amazing, with Ursula being the raving bitch of the sea, and Gaston being the typical high school jock that never left his hometown who gave me wet willies in the third stall of the bathroom. I don't care what you are now, Garrett. I have a web show. I have a web show. I need to point out the Timothy Oliphant in the room, and that's that Gaston has three hot triplet sisters who basically throw themselves at him at any chance they get. So why does he give two shakes of a dick about this bell chick when he can tag into one of these- why is there so much sex talk in this episode? We have a tale as old as time versus a tale on a redhead. Beauty and the Beast is the story of a young gale trapped in a town full of simpletons who just wants more than her provincial life. Fortunately for her crazy old father, Maurice, she has more to deal with later when he gets her thrown into prison. Crazy old Maurice, eh? Crazy old Maurice is what Gaston says in the film. So you're welcome for the re-enactment. Come to think of it, we never do actually learn the Beast Prince's real name. So he's basically Edward Norden's character from Fight Club, and in death he shall be known as Robert Paulson. But I did some digging for you lovely folks, and it turns out his name is actually Prince Adam. My name is Adam, and I'm also a prince. So it looks like this thing with me and Belle, this little Sam and Diane thing we have going on, it was meant to be. Ariel's plot, on the other hand, is one of selfishness. She falls in love with some pretty boy sailor prince, trades up her tail for a pair of hot legs, and leaves the kingdom, leaving it under attack. Risking it all for some guy she barely even knows, instead of giving me a chance. Both these animated classics hold up wonderfully. Now of course Disney had to pull a Lucas on us, go back and change some of the effects in Little Mermaid, no more sex spelled in the water, no more priest raging boner during the wedding sequence, and I think that's a damn shame, we're missing key aspects of the film now. I wanted to know more about the priest and why he was so happy to see her. Or him. Yeah, we don't know, we'll never know now. The visuals really are a sight to see though, with light pouring into the ocean floor, beautiful musical numbers and beauty and the beast, and Little Mermaid. It's quite an accomplishment. Some of the most recognized Disney songs to date come from both of these movies, from Be Our Guest to Under the Sea, a little fun fact for you, an Adam fun fact. I used to rock that song pretty hard on my violin. We obviously can't forget Part of Your World, the showstopper for Mermaid, and also Kiss the Girl. I'm not huge on Kiss the Girl, but I get it. I get it. There's not a bad song on the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack, hell there's not even a good song. They're all flawless, from the opening number to of course Be Our Guest, all the way to Mrs. Pot's rendition of the beautifully sung, Taylor's Oldest Time, the cover, I can see myself dancing with Belle right now in the ballroom, nicely lit room, Gaston crying in the corner, Lumiere playing us out, Cogsworth, he's not comfortable with what's happening, but he's going to stand by and watch it, because that's the kind of guy he is. He talks a big game, but he's really a pushover. I don't know what I'm doing right now, if this is a dance, or just kind of go with it. It's all kind of go with it. Well here we are again, another debate well worth settling, which animated classic is the best, Beauty and the Beast or Little Mermaid, the one with the hot red head, Sebastian, or the one with the always gorgeous, always stunning, Gaston. Leave your comments below. More than just reviews, this is Movie Feuds. Thank you, shut it down. Taylor's Oldest Time, true as it may be, barely even friends, then somebody bends unexpectedly, just a little change. It's hard to say the least. Thank you.